Rough Draft... Friendship
If you don't want to, don't feel you need to read this. I don't know why I felt the need to post it...
FRIENDSHIP TALK
When I was given this talk, I remember thinking this would be the hardest and the easiest thing to talk about. And even as I started to think about it and write it, events in my life continued to twist and change it.
For as long as I can remember all I’ve wanted was a best friend. One to share my life with. One to have slumber parties with, do each other’s hair and makeup, talk about boys, you know…all that girly best friend stuff. Unfortunately, as much as that was what I wanted, it was the farthest thing from what I had.
I don’t remember much before Kindergarten, but I’m sure I had friends. Friends that were my friends because they were in my play group. But at the age of 3, who really cares. In kindergarten I met my first best friend. We both went to Divine Mercy Catholic School. We became friends for one reason and one reason only…our seats were assigned next to each other; well that and she had the same name as my sister, which we thought was pretty cool. We were friends pretty much all through grade school. And as much as I would’ve considered her my best friend, she wasn’t the kind of friend I would wish on anyone. Her friendship started a theme that I would see in all my friendships through high school. She was my friend to my face, but talked about me behind my back. I became the scapegoat. If there was a need for all our friends to dump on someone to make themselves feel better…that was my job. My middle school years were probably the hardest. I didn’t have a single close friend, and on top of that I was the class designated person to pick on. I would come into school to find notes from people telling me they wanted me to die, that they didn’t want me to ever come back. It became routine, it also became routine for me to not smile. My mom would say that it upset her everyday she would pick me up from school, see the solemn look on my face, and know how unhappy I was. I was told then, and I’m told now it was children’s jealousy. I should’ve felt blessed at that time, I was getting straight A’s, singing solos at church, and leaving all the time to go travel for modeling. But I wasn’t happy, and I would have traded everything for a true friendship.
When I graduated from 8th grade at Divine Mercy I was more than happy to go. I was ready for a new beginning, for the opportunity to find that friendship I wanted more than anything. A part of that quest started with my church youth group. Something I wanted to be a part of since as long as I could remember, partly having to do with the fact that my parents were the youth leaders. Along with starting at a new high school, in a new area, without knowing a single person, I was excited at the idea of this new start.
I started going to the youth group the summer after my 8th grade year. Right away I made new friends. Friends who knew nothing of my past. Friends that I spent every minute with. I met a girl who wanted to be a part of our group of friends. So I invited her in. She became my new best friend. Unfortunately that friendship started the end of my inclusion in that group. I became the girl she didn’t want around. She would invite everyone over, leave me out, and not let anyone call and invite me. The hardest thing to swallow was realizing the people I called my “best friends” were willingly letting me get hurt, they were joining in. I got used to hearing from others that my best friend was saying things behind my back. As much as I knew these things, as much as I was getting hurt, and how untrue our friendship was, I refused to cut it loose. She was my best friend. She was what I needed. I need that friendship. Eventually we grew apart. I don’t have hard feelings, everyone has their reasons for acting why they do. I don’t know hers, and I don’t need to. But I know that friendship wasn’t what I was searching for. So I continued on.
In my later years of high school I found my new friendship. It came in a group of 3. The three of us were inseparable. We were best friends, the guys we dated were best friends…it all worked out. Of course I dealt with those times were I became the third wheel scapegoat, but I dealt with it, because I told myself that’s what you do when you want to stay in a friendship. You deal with unfair harshness. I was afraid to ever speak up for myself, afraid that if I did I would lose what friendship I had.
College came and we were down to 2. Sarah and I moved in together in Orlando. We were going to go to UCF. I moved out first. I had joined a group called LEAD Scholars, and there was a retreat for all LEAD Scholars before school started. It was a wonderful, bonding retreat, and I made a bunch of friends. Unfortunately, Sarah didn’t react so well and didn’t want me hanging out with anyone but her, and she wouldn’t hang out with any of the new friends I made. I ended up losing my high school friend I had fought for...she moved out halfway through the school year.
In October of my freshman year I met the girl that I would end up referring to as my heterosexual life partner, my soul mate, my best friend. She is my complete opposite. She has a way of being harsh, that I can’t even attempt. She’s brutally honest, even if it hurts your feelings. She can be rude, and is real good at embarrassing you. But she is also beautiful, confident, witty, smart, talented, and wonderful. I love her. Our friendship has made me a better person. The way we are opposites, compliments each other. We bring something different to the friendship. Her harshness and honesty has helped me to become a stronger person. She calls me her “breath of fresh air”. She may have a way of being brutal, but all in a caring way. We show each other different points of views. We help each other to grow. But even this friendship has begun to hit hard spots. I’m afraid of falling into my high school ways. I’m afraid to bring up problems for fear of losing my best friend. It’s so hard for me, I find that nothing will be perfect. Misunderstandings, tempers, jealousies…
In times like these I have to remember my constant friendships. My family and My GOD. Whether in Kindergarten or in my second year of college, they are there. My parents and my sister will always be there for me, they’re blood related…it’s their job. And they are wonderful at it. But the thing that I have realized is that at every time in my life when I was looking for that best friend, someone else was looking at me to be theirs. GOD was. He has always been there for me, and he always will be. He is my constant. My rock. My best friend. Since kindergarten friendships have come and gone, but He has stayed. He doesn’t have the mortal downfalls we do, and he is always willing to listen to mine. And now, while I am going through problems, when I am falling to fear of losing my best friend, he will be there. He will give me strength. The strength to fix it, or the strength if I am left alone. Because in truth, I am never alone. He is always there.
FRIENDSHIP TALK
When I was given this talk, I remember thinking this would be the hardest and the easiest thing to talk about. And even as I started to think about it and write it, events in my life continued to twist and change it.
For as long as I can remember all I’ve wanted was a best friend. One to share my life with. One to have slumber parties with, do each other’s hair and makeup, talk about boys, you know…all that girly best friend stuff. Unfortunately, as much as that was what I wanted, it was the farthest thing from what I had.
I don’t remember much before Kindergarten, but I’m sure I had friends. Friends that were my friends because they were in my play group. But at the age of 3, who really cares. In kindergarten I met my first best friend. We both went to Divine Mercy Catholic School. We became friends for one reason and one reason only…our seats were assigned next to each other; well that and she had the same name as my sister, which we thought was pretty cool. We were friends pretty much all through grade school. And as much as I would’ve considered her my best friend, she wasn’t the kind of friend I would wish on anyone. Her friendship started a theme that I would see in all my friendships through high school. She was my friend to my face, but talked about me behind my back. I became the scapegoat. If there was a need for all our friends to dump on someone to make themselves feel better…that was my job. My middle school years were probably the hardest. I didn’t have a single close friend, and on top of that I was the class designated person to pick on. I would come into school to find notes from people telling me they wanted me to die, that they didn’t want me to ever come back. It became routine, it also became routine for me to not smile. My mom would say that it upset her everyday she would pick me up from school, see the solemn look on my face, and know how unhappy I was. I was told then, and I’m told now it was children’s jealousy. I should’ve felt blessed at that time, I was getting straight A’s, singing solos at church, and leaving all the time to go travel for modeling. But I wasn’t happy, and I would have traded everything for a true friendship.
When I graduated from 8th grade at Divine Mercy I was more than happy to go. I was ready for a new beginning, for the opportunity to find that friendship I wanted more than anything. A part of that quest started with my church youth group. Something I wanted to be a part of since as long as I could remember, partly having to do with the fact that my parents were the youth leaders. Along with starting at a new high school, in a new area, without knowing a single person, I was excited at the idea of this new start.
I started going to the youth group the summer after my 8th grade year. Right away I made new friends. Friends who knew nothing of my past. Friends that I spent every minute with. I met a girl who wanted to be a part of our group of friends. So I invited her in. She became my new best friend. Unfortunately that friendship started the end of my inclusion in that group. I became the girl she didn’t want around. She would invite everyone over, leave me out, and not let anyone call and invite me. The hardest thing to swallow was realizing the people I called my “best friends” were willingly letting me get hurt, they were joining in. I got used to hearing from others that my best friend was saying things behind my back. As much as I knew these things, as much as I was getting hurt, and how untrue our friendship was, I refused to cut it loose. She was my best friend. She was what I needed. I need that friendship. Eventually we grew apart. I don’t have hard feelings, everyone has their reasons for acting why they do. I don’t know hers, and I don’t need to. But I know that friendship wasn’t what I was searching for. So I continued on.
In my later years of high school I found my new friendship. It came in a group of 3. The three of us were inseparable. We were best friends, the guys we dated were best friends…it all worked out. Of course I dealt with those times were I became the third wheel scapegoat, but I dealt with it, because I told myself that’s what you do when you want to stay in a friendship. You deal with unfair harshness. I was afraid to ever speak up for myself, afraid that if I did I would lose what friendship I had.
College came and we were down to 2. Sarah and I moved in together in Orlando. We were going to go to UCF. I moved out first. I had joined a group called LEAD Scholars, and there was a retreat for all LEAD Scholars before school started. It was a wonderful, bonding retreat, and I made a bunch of friends. Unfortunately, Sarah didn’t react so well and didn’t want me hanging out with anyone but her, and she wouldn’t hang out with any of the new friends I made. I ended up losing my high school friend I had fought for...she moved out halfway through the school year.
In October of my freshman year I met the girl that I would end up referring to as my heterosexual life partner, my soul mate, my best friend. She is my complete opposite. She has a way of being harsh, that I can’t even attempt. She’s brutally honest, even if it hurts your feelings. She can be rude, and is real good at embarrassing you. But she is also beautiful, confident, witty, smart, talented, and wonderful. I love her. Our friendship has made me a better person. The way we are opposites, compliments each other. We bring something different to the friendship. Her harshness and honesty has helped me to become a stronger person. She calls me her “breath of fresh air”. She may have a way of being brutal, but all in a caring way. We show each other different points of views. We help each other to grow. But even this friendship has begun to hit hard spots. I’m afraid of falling into my high school ways. I’m afraid to bring up problems for fear of losing my best friend. It’s so hard for me, I find that nothing will be perfect. Misunderstandings, tempers, jealousies…
In times like these I have to remember my constant friendships. My family and My GOD. Whether in Kindergarten or in my second year of college, they are there. My parents and my sister will always be there for me, they’re blood related…it’s their job. And they are wonderful at it. But the thing that I have realized is that at every time in my life when I was looking for that best friend, someone else was looking at me to be theirs. GOD was. He has always been there for me, and he always will be. He is my constant. My rock. My best friend. Since kindergarten friendships have come and gone, but He has stayed. He doesn’t have the mortal downfalls we do, and he is always willing to listen to mine. And now, while I am going through problems, when I am falling to fear of losing my best friend, he will be there. He will give me strength. The strength to fix it, or the strength if I am left alone. Because in truth, I am never alone. He is always there.