Joni Minstrel's Gossype Guide to Renaissance Festival Romance
I wrote this for the entertainment of the GARF cast. Then I figured some of you might get a kick out of it, too, so I decided to go ahead and post it here. (If you're not into the Renaissance Festival, there is a very high likelihood that this will not interest you at all.)
So, you’re new to the world of the Renaissance Festival, and you are noticing that many of the people you meet are witty, talented, and attractive. But are they available? Should you flirt with them? And, if they are available, are they worth dating? Never fear, my young novice. I hereby present...
Joni Minstrel’s Gossype Guide to Renaissance Festival Romance:
Who You’ll Meet, and How To Woo Them
The Hottie
The hottie struts around site wearing vests without shirts (male) or scarves, jewelry, and little else (female). You will have the best luck catching a hottie if you are a hottie yourself; they rarely stoop to notice anyone they perceive as inferior in attractiveness (though they will occasionally make exceptions for musicians). Recommended flirting techniques include showing off your toned physique, playing a musical instrument well, and playing hard to get. Advantages to catching a hottie include making everyone jealous, having beautiful children, and enjoying the view. Disadvantages include a lack of same sex friendships (but who needs ‘em?), a constant need for attention, and infidelity/venereal disease.
The hottie might be interested in you if...
The Married Man/Woman
The married man/woman is not necessarily off limits; however, proceed with caution. Faire marriages all have their own specific rules, which you will have to learn on a case by case basis. Recommended flirting techniques include tight/small clothing, inquiries as to exact marital status, and making out at La Fi. Advantages to catching a married man/woman include complete freedom, sexual adventures, and the thrill of the forbidden. Disadvantages include notoriety, possible bodily injury (depending upon size/mood of spouse), and sexual frustration during the week.
The married man/woman might be interested in you if...
The Randy Old Man/Woman
The randy old man/woman will flirt with anything that moves, but he/she secretly prefers them young and dewy-eyed. Recommended flirting techniques include smiling brightly, moving just out of reach, and listening patiently to stories about the old site. If this person’s flirting makes you uncomfortable, remember that they truly A) can’t help themselves and B) don’t know they’re old. If you are tempted to spurn the attentions of the randy old man/woman, remember that this will be you someday.
The randy old man/woman might be interested in you if...
The Traveling Boothie
The traveling boothie is a lot of fun and should be forgiven for crossing the boundaries of good taste when flirting with you, especially if he/she has been on the road for a long time. Recommended flirting techniques include anything overtly sexual, such as flashing and inappropriate touching. Advantages of catching a traveling boothie include an open schedule during the week with lots of time for hanging out with you, fun potlucks at the campground, and good weed. Disadvantages include all common side effects of living without indoor plumbing.
The traveling boothie might be interested in you if...
The Local Booth Employee
The local booth employee is very interested in the goings-on at faire, though he or she is often puzzled by the language and customs of the people around him/her, particularly if this is his/her first season in Newcastle. Advantages of catching a local booth employee include occasional sneaky discounts, a nice stream of roses and poems throughout the season, and a stationary job (so you won’t have to worry about him/her getting in the way of any other crushes you might be pursuing). Disadvantages include incomprehensible/unfunny/boring stories, high-pitched giggling, and curfew.
The local booth employee might be interested in you if...
The Booth Owner
The booth owner is often too distracted to pursue flirtation due to the heavy cares that weigh upon him/her, particularly if it has been a rainy, slow season. The booth owner may tell you that this is his/her last season on the faire circuit because he/she can make a lot more money with a lot less hassle just selling on the internet, but don’t be fooled; this is the only place he/she truly feels at home. Recommended flirting techniques include admiring his/her work (loudly, in front of patrons), offering to entertain him/her with a song (for music lovers only; ask first), and offering to help out while his/her boothies are on break. Advantages to catching a booth owner include beautiful, handmade gifts, convenient ice and water refills, and use of a private privy. Disadvantages include pessimism, cynicism, and occasional ranting.
The booth owner might be interested in you if...
The Playtron
Playtrons can be fickle, but they are never cynical or jaded. They absolutely love faire, and the fact that you are a part of it means they love you, too. Anything you do that indicates that you have taken notice of them - anything at all! - will be rewarded with tips, favors, hugs, cookies, and sips of their contraband liquor. Recommended flirting techniques include mentioning him/her in a Move Over verse, commenting on his/her new garb (note: NEVER say "costume" in his/her presence), and saying hello.
The playtron might be interested in you if...
The Weapons Enthusiast
Catching a weapons enthusiast can be highly dangerous, but the satisfaction can be great if successful. The weapons enthusiast can be found at Starfire when he or she is not walking around the site looking intimidating. Most weapons enthusiasts have elaborate garb to go with their weapons and look very large and impressive, but beware; some of them are just compensating. To catch a weapons enthusiast, you will need one or more of the following: armor, a sword (or at the very least a dagger), cleavage, chainmail, a safe word.
The weapons enthusiast might be interested in you if...
The Gamer
The gamer is not difficult to catch, but you must have a good deal of patience and a high tolerance for leisure activities that involve rolling oddly shaped dice, fighting with weapons made out of PVC pipe and duct tape, and speaking languages invented by J.R.R. Tolkein. It also helps if you enjoy socializing in large groups; gamers run in packs. The gamer longs for romantic entanglements but is often shy and unsure. A gentle approach works best, and you may have to woo him/her in character as part of a role-playing game in order to win his/her trust. Recommended flirting techniques include learning his/her characters’ names and abilities, offering to help with intricate and time-consuming craft projects for his/her next campaign, and writing poetry in Elvish.
The gamer might be interested in you if...
The Self-Involved Musician
Often (but not always) male, the self-involved musician is relatively easy to catch but hard to tie down, as he is easily distracted and perpetually dissatisfied. Recommended flirting techniques include flattery, disparagement of other (particularly more famous) musicians, and provocative dancing. Advantages of catching a self-involved musician include entrée to the exclusive musicians’ clique, private concerts, guitar/drum lessons, and possibly a mention in some future song. Disadvantages include mind-numbing boredom during epic drum circles/jam sessions once your buzz has worn off.
The self-involved musician might be interested in you if...
The Friendly Musician
The friendly musician is quite crushworthy and makes a very good boyfriend/girlfriend during the rare moments when he/she is not practicing, gigging, or trying to get a gig. While very confident when performing, don’t be fooled; the friendly musician is often quite shy. Simply being friendly, funny, and interested in music is often enough to spark an interest, though you may have to beat him/her over the head with a large, heavy object and/or take away his/her instrument in order to get anything to actually happen between you.
The friendly musician might be interested in you if...
The Street Character
Street characters are, for the most part, not allowed to accept tips, and (except for those who play members of the court) their schedules are quite flexible, so they’ve got nothing but time; they are also trained/required to spend all of their time vigorously interacting with anyone who crosses their path. These traits make them ideal faire crushes, and they will enjoy anything that breaks up the tedium of doing the same bits with random patrons over and over again. Recommended flirting techniques include anonymous roses, invitations to the tea room, and vicious, rhyming insults.
The street character might be interested in you if...
The Stage Act
If you are not a stage act yourself, then you clearly love a challenge; members of stage acts almost never date/marry outside the circle of traveling faire performers. While they are almost always witty, attractive, and talented, they are extremely hard to catch, partly due to the fact that they are not required to interact with anyone at all outside of their designated stage times and partly due to the fact that they drink during the week, not on weekends; you cannot count on running into them at La Fiesta. Establishing any sort of a rapport with a stage act takes special effort but is well worth it. Overt flirting with a stage act will just scare him/her away, so it’s best to take it slow in the beginning. Advantages to catching a stage act include a fascinating, behind-the-scenes look at an underappreciated performance art (juggling, sword swallowing, fire breathing, etc.) and entrée into the exclusive clique of stage performers. Disadvantages include moodiness, diva fits, and long separations.
The stage act might be interested in you if...
The Production Staff Member
Production Staff Members have difficult jobs of the trying-to-please-everyone-at-once variety, so do not take it personally if they are too distracted to pay special attention to you. However, they are very good at flirting when they have time and will respond well to compliments, roses, love songs, rhyming insults, etc.; there is almost no form of flirting that will not be both appreciated and returned. That said, please DO NOT, under any circumstances, sleep with, date, or marry these people. Don’t make me tell you again.
The production staff member might be interested in you if...
So, you’re new to the world of the Renaissance Festival, and you are noticing that many of the people you meet are witty, talented, and attractive. But are they available? Should you flirt with them? And, if they are available, are they worth dating? Never fear, my young novice. I hereby present...
Joni Minstrel’s Gossype Guide to Renaissance Festival Romance:
Who You’ll Meet, and How To Woo Them
The Hottie
The hottie struts around site wearing vests without shirts (male) or scarves, jewelry, and little else (female). You will have the best luck catching a hottie if you are a hottie yourself; they rarely stoop to notice anyone they perceive as inferior in attractiveness (though they will occasionally make exceptions for musicians). Recommended flirting techniques include showing off your toned physique, playing a musical instrument well, and playing hard to get. Advantages to catching a hottie include making everyone jealous, having beautiful children, and enjoying the view. Disadvantages include a lack of same sex friendships (but who needs ‘em?), a constant need for attention, and infidelity/venereal disease.
The hottie might be interested in you if...
- you catch him/her checking a mirror right before/after you pass by
- he/she makes sure you have a good view of him/her dancing at the drum circle
- he/she picked out the outfit you’re wearing right now
The Married Man/Woman
The married man/woman is not necessarily off limits; however, proceed with caution. Faire marriages all have their own specific rules, which you will have to learn on a case by case basis. Recommended flirting techniques include tight/small clothing, inquiries as to exact marital status, and making out at La Fi. Advantages to catching a married man/woman include complete freedom, sexual adventures, and the thrill of the forbidden. Disadvantages include notoriety, possible bodily injury (depending upon size/mood of spouse), and sexual frustration during the week.
The married man/woman might be interested in you if...
- he/she has kissed you in a location other than hand, cheek, or mouth
- you have had long, heartfelt conversations about his/her specific polyamorous philosophy
- you have been assured repeatedly that spouse is OK with this... but you still have not been introduced
The Randy Old Man/Woman
The randy old man/woman will flirt with anything that moves, but he/she secretly prefers them young and dewy-eyed. Recommended flirting techniques include smiling brightly, moving just out of reach, and listening patiently to stories about the old site. If this person’s flirting makes you uncomfortable, remember that they truly A) can’t help themselves and B) don’t know they’re old. If you are tempted to spurn the attentions of the randy old man/woman, remember that this will be you someday.
The randy old man/woman might be interested in you if...
- you smile at him/her
- you laugh at his/her jokes
- you are a younger member of the opposite sex who is not his/her spouse
The Traveling Boothie
The traveling boothie is a lot of fun and should be forgiven for crossing the boundaries of good taste when flirting with you, especially if he/she has been on the road for a long time. Recommended flirting techniques include anything overtly sexual, such as flashing and inappropriate touching. Advantages of catching a traveling boothie include an open schedule during the week with lots of time for hanging out with you, fun potlucks at the campground, and good weed. Disadvantages include all common side effects of living without indoor plumbing.
The traveling boothie might be interested in you if...
- he/she has licked you
- he/she has become naked in front of you
- he/she has expressed the hope of seeing you (naked) at the funky formal
The Local Booth Employee
The local booth employee is very interested in the goings-on at faire, though he or she is often puzzled by the language and customs of the people around him/her, particularly if this is his/her first season in Newcastle. Advantages of catching a local booth employee include occasional sneaky discounts, a nice stream of roses and poems throughout the season, and a stationary job (so you won’t have to worry about him/her getting in the way of any other crushes you might be pursuing). Disadvantages include incomprehensible/unfunny/boring stories, high-pitched giggling, and curfew.
The local booth employee might be interested in you if...
- he/she times his/her breaks to match your availability
- you can see his/her "friends only" LiveJournal entries
- you are invited to his/her graduation party
The Booth Owner
The booth owner is often too distracted to pursue flirtation due to the heavy cares that weigh upon him/her, particularly if it has been a rainy, slow season. The booth owner may tell you that this is his/her last season on the faire circuit because he/she can make a lot more money with a lot less hassle just selling on the internet, but don’t be fooled; this is the only place he/she truly feels at home. Recommended flirting techniques include admiring his/her work (loudly, in front of patrons), offering to entertain him/her with a song (for music lovers only; ask first), and offering to help out while his/her boothies are on break. Advantages to catching a booth owner include beautiful, handmade gifts, convenient ice and water refills, and use of a private privy. Disadvantages include pessimism, cynicism, and occasional ranting.
The booth owner might be interested in you if...
- he/she greets you when you enter, even when there are patrons in the booth
- he/she refills your mug with ice water before you even ask
- you can convince him/her to come to dinner with you on a faire night
The Playtron
Playtrons can be fickle, but they are never cynical or jaded. They absolutely love faire, and the fact that you are a part of it means they love you, too. Anything you do that indicates that you have taken notice of them - anything at all! - will be rewarded with tips, favors, hugs, cookies, and sips of their contraband liquor. Recommended flirting techniques include mentioning him/her in a Move Over verse, commenting on his/her new garb (note: NEVER say "costume" in his/her presence), and saying hello.
The playtron might be interested in you if...
- he/she has invited you to become a member of the Rogues and Wenches Guild
- everyone who is a regular at the same Pub table as this person has coyly told you that "someone" has a crush on you
- Every time you smile at him/her, the bodice/codpiece gets a half size tighter
The Weapons Enthusiast
Catching a weapons enthusiast can be highly dangerous, but the satisfaction can be great if successful. The weapons enthusiast can be found at Starfire when he or she is not walking around the site looking intimidating. Most weapons enthusiasts have elaborate garb to go with their weapons and look very large and impressive, but beware; some of them are just compensating. To catch a weapons enthusiast, you will need one or more of the following: armor, a sword (or at the very least a dagger), cleavage, chainmail, a safe word.
The weapons enthusiast might be interested in you if...
- he/she has invited you home to view the entire weapons collection
- you have been presented with a new weapon and/or chainmail as a gift
- he/she wears clothing that shows off the wounds you’ve inflicted
The Gamer
The gamer is not difficult to catch, but you must have a good deal of patience and a high tolerance for leisure activities that involve rolling oddly shaped dice, fighting with weapons made out of PVC pipe and duct tape, and speaking languages invented by J.R.R. Tolkein. It also helps if you enjoy socializing in large groups; gamers run in packs. The gamer longs for romantic entanglements but is often shy and unsure. A gentle approach works best, and you may have to woo him/her in character as part of a role-playing game in order to win his/her trust. Recommended flirting techniques include learning his/her characters’ names and abilities, offering to help with intricate and time-consuming craft projects for his/her next campaign, and writing poetry in Elvish.
The gamer might be interested in you if...
- he/she lets you in on his/her gaming strategy
- his/her character marries yours during a game
- he/she rants to you at length about all the assholes who ruin the game for everyone else
The Self-Involved Musician
Often (but not always) male, the self-involved musician is relatively easy to catch but hard to tie down, as he is easily distracted and perpetually dissatisfied. Recommended flirting techniques include flattery, disparagement of other (particularly more famous) musicians, and provocative dancing. Advantages of catching a self-involved musician include entrée to the exclusive musicians’ clique, private concerts, guitar/drum lessons, and possibly a mention in some future song. Disadvantages include mind-numbing boredom during epic drum circles/jam sessions once your buzz has worn off.
The self-involved musician might be interested in you if...
- you have spent hours in his tent listening to him play his guitar/lute/fiddle/drum, wondering if he’s ever going to kiss you
- he makes eye contact during an overtly sexual love song
- he has invited you to a gig, then ignored you when you showed up
The Friendly Musician
The friendly musician is quite crushworthy and makes a very good boyfriend/girlfriend during the rare moments when he/she is not practicing, gigging, or trying to get a gig. While very confident when performing, don’t be fooled; the friendly musician is often quite shy. Simply being friendly, funny, and interested in music is often enough to spark an interest, though you may have to beat him/her over the head with a large, heavy object and/or take away his/her instrument in order to get anything to actually happen between you.
The friendly musician might be interested in you if...
- you have spent hours in his tent listening to him play his guitar/lute/fiddle/drum, wondering if he’s ever going to kiss you
- he/she glances over at you when launching into a difficult solo to make sure you’re paying attention
- he/she asks what you think of the new song - and actually listens to your answer
The Street Character
Street characters are, for the most part, not allowed to accept tips, and (except for those who play members of the court) their schedules are quite flexible, so they’ve got nothing but time; they are also trained/required to spend all of their time vigorously interacting with anyone who crosses their path. These traits make them ideal faire crushes, and they will enjoy anything that breaks up the tedium of doing the same bits with random patrons over and over again. Recommended flirting techniques include anonymous roses, invitations to the tea room, and vicious, rhyming insults.
The street character might be interested in you if...
- he/she frequently runs up to you, shouts something very loudly to the surrounding patrons, then runs away
- he/she has insulted you at Pub Sing
- you know his/her real name
The Stage Act
If you are not a stage act yourself, then you clearly love a challenge; members of stage acts almost never date/marry outside the circle of traveling faire performers. While they are almost always witty, attractive, and talented, they are extremely hard to catch, partly due to the fact that they are not required to interact with anyone at all outside of their designated stage times and partly due to the fact that they drink during the week, not on weekends; you cannot count on running into them at La Fiesta. Establishing any sort of a rapport with a stage act takes special effort but is well worth it. Overt flirting with a stage act will just scare him/her away, so it’s best to take it slow in the beginning. Advantages to catching a stage act include a fascinating, behind-the-scenes look at an underappreciated performance art (juggling, sword swallowing, fire breathing, etc.) and entrée into the exclusive clique of stage performers. Disadvantages include moodiness, diva fits, and long separations.
The stage act might be interested in you if...
- he/she is not interested in you
- no, really, not interested
- just stop
The Production Staff Member
Production Staff Members have difficult jobs of the trying-to-please-everyone-at-once variety, so do not take it personally if they are too distracted to pay special attention to you. However, they are very good at flirting when they have time and will respond well to compliments, roses, love songs, rhyming insults, etc.; there is almost no form of flirting that will not be both appreciated and returned. That said, please DO NOT, under any circumstances, sleep with, date, or marry these people. Don’t make me tell you again.
The production staff member might be interested in you if...
- you get a pass for being late to cast/fight/music call
- you get invited to join the cast for one day just so he/she will have the opportunity to flirt with you at Shiny Cauldron
- he/she seduces and/or marries you at the cast party