yesterday, today, tomorrow
If I could just go back to yesterday… If I could just turn back time…
The day felt like any other normal day. The eruption in the centre of a once placid and peaceful lake, causing ripples to disperse from the source, had only been a pin prick compared to what Okura had believed it to be. But from a perspective from the plains of the water, the huge waves were ready to dominate anything in its path and rage through any obstacle over and over again. Okura had definitely been in such a vulnerable position, sat on the face of the water barely touching the surface with his toes. Now that the worst was over, the lake was still, and would look frozen to anyone who wasn’t willing to give it too much attention.
Their argument had seemed to spring up from nowhere. The day before yesterday was peaceful, dreamy, something like heaven. How could it have changed so dramatically in the space of a day? Now that they were separated Okura could feel a sense of peace, but the only reason he felt it was because Yasu was gone and he had no one to argue with, no one to rant to and no one to cry to.
This was not the kind of peace he wanted.
He loved nothing more than to sit with Yasu and talk. When they were quiet they could both enjoy each other’s company without the need of communication. Those times had been precious to Okura, he would never forget them. Now, thanks to their argument, the memories seemed tainted for the simple reason that he feared there wouldn’t be any more of them.
He sat on his couch and stared out of his window at the fluffy white clouds. Just watching them float freely in the sky made him wonder how he had gotten so mad the day before. I guess I really am a very jealous person…
What he couldn’t quite grasp was how his own love for Yasu had gotten him into such a bad argument. How could love do such a thing? Because of this Okura had found it difficult to answer Yasu’s questions and consequently he found himself shouting back at the smaller man out of confusion. He’d never told Yasu how much he meant to him and so because of this Yasu would never understand why he’d gotten so angry. He probably thought Okura hated him.
Man I’m so stupid…
He clutched onto his cup. It had been full of warm tea when he made it, but the heat had escaped the liquid and the tea was now cold. He stared into the cup and at the reflection that the tea was creating on its light brown surface. Okura didn’t particularly like the look of his reflection; it showed a lonely looking man who couldn’t keep anyone happy, despite how much he loved them. If that much could be revealed in the space of a day then how much more was he going to find out about himself? Was he greedy? Was he selfish? Was he an ugly person?
At that moment he felt like he was. He held his head back and closed his eyes. If I could just prove myself… just one chance to show Yasu that I’m better than what I was yesterday… I could change this day…
There was a sudden and loud knock on the door.
Okura snapped open his eyes and jolted up out of his seat. That interruption had woken him quicker than any alarm he had in his apartment. Just before he walked to the door he realized that the scene out of the window had changed dramatically. He slowed down and pulled a face at the glass.
It’s raining? He thought. I must have fallen asleep…
He unlocked the door and opened it lazily. Stood in the doorway, to his amazement, was Yasu. He was wearing the same clothes he wore the day before; a blue and yellow jacket and slack blue jeans. The difference between the day before and the day present was that today he was drowned in rainwater. Locks of wet hair were dangling in front of his face that was pouting in annoyance.
“You wanted to talk to me?” Yasu stated rather than asked.
Okura struggled for words. He hadn’t spoken to Yasu since their argument so where had Yasu got the idea that he wanted to talk to him? Never the less, Okura decided to take the opportunity of Yasu being at his apartment and let him inside.
Is this my chance to make things better? He asked himself as he walked back over to his couch and cold tea. Oh whatever, I’ll make it my chance, it’s not like things will sort themselves out magically…
Yasu stared at the couch and the single chair to his right with a confused expression. He looked back at Okura blankly, but quickly he decided to frown at his taller companion to remind him he was angry. “I won’t stay for long.” He insisted, “And anyway if I… well… I’ll get everything wet if I sit down won’t I?”
The statement almost made Okura laugh, but he managed to hold it back seems so laughing at Yasu would be a disastrous thing to do. Even when angry you can’t seem to shake off your courtesy.
“You can sit down Yasu.” Okura mumbled, “I don’t care if you get things wet.”
Yasu bit his lip and nodded slowly. It looked as if he was at odds with what to do, but finally he plonked himself down on the couch and glared at Okura as if he were trying to anger the taller man. But, as Okura had said before, he really didn’t care about a wet couch. Yasu’s attempts were pretty pathetic, if that.
“So what do you want?” Yasu asked. “You’ve said quite enough already, I only came round because you sounded so desperate down the phone.”
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Okura sighed, “But I’m going to talk to you anyway.” He paced up and down the length of the coffee table and scratched his head nervously. Yasu’s eyes felt so pressuring upon him that he was finding it difficult to start off his apology. He’d only just been wishing for a chance like this and he could feel it slowly slipping out of his hands. Yasu was starting to fidget, and he knew that if he didn’t hurry up the smaller man would just leave.
He gulped and stopped near the centre of the table. “I’ve realized how stupid I was. I know what an over-protective and over-jealous jerk I am, and it’s not just that, I’ve been selfish to think that you would always be with me no matter what. I’ve been greedy keeping you to myself and I’ve been pathetic by shouting at you just because I was confused and worried…”
He stopped and bit his lip. Yasu didn’t look too impressed; in fact all he did was cross his arms and uphold the pout on his lips. Okura was probably just stating all the things that Yasu thought initially, so he decided to stop and start with something else.
“I’m so sorry I accused you of using us all…”
“You say sorry a lot.” Yasu grumbled. “This happens so much and you always apologize! Do you ever mean it?!”
“I didn’t realize how much of a problem it was.” Okura answered honestly. “You’ve never gotten angry about it. This time you knocked lot of sense into me.” Okura walked around the table and sat next to Yasu on the couch.
“It’s just… whenever I have a long relationship with someone, whether they are friends or partners, I always get worried that they don’t care about me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’ve been used so many times that it’s affected my judgment…”
“Even with me?!” Yasu cried. He turned to Okura with a far more expressive expression. “We’re such good friends, but you fret that I’m with you because I get some kind of profit from it. You accuse me of going off with Subaru as if I’m cheating on you. You can’t stand it if I’m doing a photo shoot with one of the other guys. None of this should matter if I were your friend, but that’s the worst thing, we’re not just friends anymore are we?”
Okura felt his whole body shiver.
“What do you mean?” He asked with a stutter.
Yasu rolled his eyes and look away from Okura. This action was enough to worry Okura, and he quickly lowered his head and played with his thumbs. It took Yasu quite a while to continue, he spent most of his time sighing in frustration.
“Your paranoia really got me angry, you know that much already.” He stated, “But it wasn’t just that that made me shout at you. One moment you are lovely and caring, but the next you’re cold and jealous. One day you’ll be almost romantic and the next you’ll be adamant that I hate you and that I’m far more interested in someone else. I feel like we’re stuck somewhere… like we’re in a limbo between like and love.”
“This is what I’ve been wanting to say…”Okura started as he wiped his face down.
“Well say it already!” Yasu cried. “I’m sick of you being so indecisive and so hot and cold!” He stood up and clenched his fists. “You don’t get it! You constantly complain about people using you and how upset you are that you can’t trust anyone, but because you can’t get over it I’ve had to hold back my feelings simply because I’m scared of how you’ll react! I don’t know you anymore! You act as if you can’t trust me with anything, why would you take anything I say seriously anymore?!”
“Yasu I’m…”
“Stop it! You’re never sorry! You’re the one toying with me, not the other way round!” Yasu stormed towards the door, “There’s nothing you can say to me before you sort yourself out. If you can’t trust anyone, you won’t get trust back. If you can’t get over the past, you can’t move on in the present. Most of all, if you can’t accept your love for someone, you’ll lose their love too.”
Okura rushed towards Yasu. There was no way in hell he was letting his chance to redeem himself go to waste. Yasu had taught him more about himself in the space of 2 days that no one else had ever done before. It was time to prove that he needed Yasu and that with the smaller man’s help he was getting better.
He grabbed Yasu around the waist and hugged him tightly. His angry and shaken up body seemed to relax a little, as if he were relieved that Okura had stopped him. His body was still wet from the rain but it didn’t bother Okura at all, he kept himself as close to Yasu as possible.
“Honestly, I’m really sorry.” Okura whispered. Yasu didn’t reply. “It’s all my fault that we never got to express ourselves to each other. But yesterday you showed me how selfish I was being, and that was why I wanted to talk to you so badly. Even though I found it very difficult, I wanted to tell you that I really love you, and that was why I found it so hard to trust.
“But I get it now, because of that I was making it impossible for you to say anything. I just didn’t know you felt that way. It just shows how much I need you Yasu, and I know it’s a little silly for a grown man to need someone so much, but I do, I really need you to keep me on track.”
Yasu stared at the door blankly. He was shocked at Okura’s sudden confession, and at how deep it was. Deep down he didn’t want to be angry at Okura any longer, but he knew it would take a lot of strength to turn around and hug him back.
He closed his eyes and sighed. What the hell, I’ll trust him too.
He span round and almost charged into Okura. He let his head rest on Okura’s chest and sighed.
“It’s not silly Tacchon.” He reassured. “And I love you too.”
Okura closed his eyes and sighed in relief. Thank god I was able to explain myself. How I did it is a different matter altogether…
His thoughts were quickly interrupted as Yasu pulled away slightly and looked at him suspiciously. “Wait, what did you mean by ‘yesterday’?”
Okura pulled a face.
“The argument we had yesterday…” He explained. Yasu shook his head and laughed.
“I think you’re going mad.” Yasu chuckled, “It happened a few hours ago remember? Does it really feel like that long ago to you!?”
Okura froze. Frantically he grabbed his phone from his pocket and checked the date - just in case he had in fact gone mad.
The phone screen lit up and revealed yesterday’s date. What?! He panicked and stared at Yasu for some kind of explanation.
“It’s definitely the 15th!” He cried.
“It’s the 14th!” Yasu cried back. “Are you loosing track of the date?”
“No it can’t be the…” Okura turned to the window and felt his heart stop dead. The rain he’d realized not too long ago was the same rain he had returned home to the day before. It was the same rain that had drowned him when he’d taken a long walk around the city to clear his frantic mind. The only thing that was familiar to the 15th was the cup of tea still sat on the coffee table, which was now steaming with heat.
Okura stared in horror at the cup. It had been ice cold a few moments ago. He gulped and stared out into the dull grey sky.
I could be dreaming… He thought to himself. But I think I just got my wish for a second chance.