Let's Just Be Friends, Being Friends With Your Ex, Dating Your Friends, etc.

[superhappytime]

"I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies" -Bright EyesWhen my last serious relationship ended it was the single worst experience of my entire life. I suppose that could mean I've lived a pretty fortunate life. Certainly I've been lucky with in terms of my health and that of my friends and family--at least for the last 8 years or

Comments

[katyblue]

hanging out with the ex is not cool in my book. Its definitely a no go in a serious relationship. Mucho props to the person who can actually say they're OK with that and not be lying. Catching up over coffee once, sure. Repeatedly making plans and hanging out with them without me, no.

[superhappytime]

What's the reasoning?

I know someone else who lives with her ex-boyfriend and says their good friends. I don't think (but don't know for sure) that it's ever had an impact on their future relationships.

People who get divorced and share custody of a kid end up together all the time--often discussing parenting situations that a boyfriend/girlfriend have no right to be privy to...I would say that's more intimate than getting a meal together...and much more likely to lead to something going wrong. Yet it seldom does.

I feel like you have to trust a person 100% to be in a relationship with them...I don't have anything in my email or phone that would get me in trouble with a girlfriend...but at the same time I want them to trust me enough to not dig through my shit.

Now, if they were ditching me specifically to hang out with that other person and not including me, that would be a problem.

[katyblue]

I dated a guy who still lived with his ex wife for financial reasons. Its completely different, than say, repeatedly hanging out with her and going on "friendship dates" because he enjoys her company still. Reasoning? I guess I don't want him spending quality, fun time alone with a woman he's had romantic feelings for. Thats not insecure, thats normal.

Also, I would never date a man with kids for that very reason. Also because I don't really like kids, and because when I'm pushing out a watermelon, I want it to be his first time too.

[superhappytime]

Well, yeah, it's probably the normal thing...but if it's not insecurity, what else would be the motivation?

So once you've dated someone and it didn't work out then you feel that you have nothing that can be salvaged with that person except the occasional catch up for coffee?

I don't know what's right or wrong, but I've known a lot of people who are much closer than that with people they've dated. I think it's possible. I think it's better than giving a couple of years of your life to someone and then coming away with nothing but memories...especially the older I get.

I have the same reasons for not wanting to date someone with kids (or divorced). If I'm experiencing something for the first time with them, I'd like it to be their first time, too...I don't want them already jaded from a divorce.

[ohmy]

I've always been the type of person who wants to stay close to their ex, but I'm realizing as I get older, that purely platonic relationships with exes don't happen that often. My experience has always been that one party would be okay with getting back together... and even if you don't act on it, sometimes it throws off the balance a little. I definitely want a friendship to come out of all failed relationships, but if I've broken up with someone and they still hang out with me as "friends" because they miss me and are secretly hoping to get back together, it makes me feel terrible and I start to distance myself because I don't want to give them the wrong idea.

I guess part of that means having a cool down period after a break-up to come to terms with feelings before jumping into friendship.

But sometimes, relationships run their course and the more you get to know someone, the more you realize how incompatible you are in any kind of relationship. Then what's the point of making an effort to be friends when you don't even want to be

[superhappytime]

I agree with the last paragraph in the cases where the relationship gets ugly. I've had a breakup where even years later I don't think we could talk long without getting angry. At the same time, if I genuinely cared for a person once, unless the screwed me over I am not going to stop caring just because I break up with them...if I sever contact completely it feels like cutting off a part of who I am...and that leaves a scar. I know people do it...people also end friendships or stop talking to siblings or their parents. I guess I just feel pragmatic...I want to find away to keep the good parts and get rid of the bad. Even if that means having to endure a rough patch where they try to win me back or are passive-agggresive and angry.

[ohmy]

Yeah, I can't really sever contact completely. It feels wrong. Cutting people off seems so unnecessary. However, I got out of a relationship in February, and I really don't feel like I want anything to do with him anymore, even just as friends, and the relationship didn't even end badly. I think it just ran it's course and for the first time, I really would like to close that chapter of my life.

However, even so... I still can't sever ties. So... I don't know!

[superhappytime]

yeah, but wasn't he like clingy to the point of getting upset if you were away for a few days? I mean, obviously that requires someone to be firm.

I guess I feel like that if I let someone into my life and take up their time and they commit to me, then I owe them something if I decide to end it for reason other than them being a complete ass. If they were angry or hurt because I dumped them, then I can get that if they don't want me to be around. But if someone gave me a significant portion of their life and I cast them aside, then the least I can do is also be there for them if they need something more after....

[selucius]

Can you please tell me where you're meeting these cute, stoner chicks?

[superhappytime]

That one, specifically, working the bakery in Panera.

In general, look for somebody who had 2 or 3 degrees but has never had a real job with a 401k for more than a couple of years. Or someone over 25 working on her degree for like the 3rd time who is in the meantime working at a bar/restaurant in Deep Ellum, Expo Park, the historic part of Ft Worth, or any bookstore, bakery, or coffee shop. Or buy some burnt orange and move to Austin. 

[selucius]

I've considered a move to Austin before, but will never be able to make myself wear burnt orange.

[superhappytime]

Well, if one is to believe rumors, you won't be playing TX again after this year. So maybe you can learn to love the longhorns.

I already have enough friends...

[dallasjen]

I think this response is perfectly acceptable (and have uttered it myself more than once), depending upon the circumstances under which you went out in the first place

Re: I already have enough friends...

[superhappytime]

well, yeah, if you meet someone from eharmony and get together the first time and don't like one another, it makes no sense to be buddies unless maybe you have a really great rapport but find each other sexually repulsive.

[fitfool]

I first heard the line "I have enough friends" from a man talking about why he didn't see the point of keeping in touch with his ex-girlfriends. In his mind, he was really looking to find someone and settle down and he had a limited amount of free time. So he preferred to split that free time between working on developing his own business, finding someone to marry, and keeping in touch with his existing friends. Still, if I've dated someone seriously, then I'm likely to at least stay a little bit in touch.

[superhappytime]

That would seem to be the opposite of all the people who say that if you're looking for someone to marry than you will not find them....