(no subject)
Title: Disbelief and Desire (1/6)
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Smut, Romance
Summary: Kame still has not dealt with the fact that Jin left KAT-TUN. Now that the soloist is back in Japan, Kame has to confront his own thoughts, as well as the feelings he had kept hidden for years.
Author's Note(s): A little background on just why this fic was written: I’ve been fixated with the song Go Away by 2ne1 since forever for no apparent reason. Recently, I realized that perhaps I keep on remembering the song because of another repressed thought: Jin leaving KAT-TUN. I’m an AKame fan, so you guys know where this is going.
Of course I don’t own KAT-TUN or any of the characters in this fic, and I don’t own the song Go Away, originally performed by the K-pop group 2ne1. And of course Kame didn’t write Go Away. Come on, does that have to be explained? xD
Some notes. 1) In this fic, well, Kame writes an English song (for the sake of the message of the song to get across to everyone, since Go Away is originally in Hangul). 2) Kame and Jin are portrayed as how they’d like to be portrayed: friends. And then the story progresses. *wink* 3) If Kame, or anyone else for that matter, appears OOC sometimes, well, I’m sorry. I tried my best, though. Please don’t kill me. 4) Most references in the story are imagined fictional, but some are factual. Those that indeed occurred or exist in real life are marked with a superscript number which corresponds to a note/link at the end of the fic.
This fic goes out to everyone whose heart is still in pieces (and I know quite a handful) over this parting of ways. We could well dedicate Go Away to Jin but on the contrary, as I’ve said over and over to anyone who would listen, my love (and I hope yours, too) for Jin, and KAT-TUN, will not be “over tonight.” Or forever.
oOoOo
[Love is over tonight]
Like any other night, Kamenashi Kazuya stayed at the recording studio beyond working hours. He had always been a workaholic, but recently, work felt like the only sensible thing left to do. Sure, he spent time with family and friends, but all other vacancies on his schedule were automatically devoted to more work.
“From now on, it’s going to be tougher on you,” Johnny Kitagawa said in a recent exclusive meeting. “You by yourself are going to lead a five-man team.”
Kame sat on a swivel chair in the studio, swinging around absentmindedly. He didn’t even know how to take the things that happened in the past few months. On one hand, it was definitely a gain to be the sole leader of KAT-TUN. K and A now stand for him.1 He had twice as much say on which path the group would take. As Nakamaru once said, everyone else depended on Kame.2 Now, it was official.
On the other hand, as he had read off so many blogs and rather emotionally-toned articles, KAT-TUN had six letters. It had been that way for almost a decade now. It made no sense that A suddenly wasn’t represented as another person. It made no sense that Akanishi was suddenly out of the group.
[Don’t try to console me]
Kame chuckled to himself, sitting up straight. Akanishi? He used to call him “Jin.” They used to be really good friends. Hell, Kame used to call him his best friend.3 There was a time when it did not matter that they stood on stage side by side and held hands, when it was completely okay to share clothes and accessories and other personal stuff you don’t share with people you’re not close to.
Now fans gush over a tiny speck of similarity spotted between himself and Akanishi, even if they’re literally continents apart and therefore could not possibly borrow things from each other. “What if they’re couple stuff?” some fans weakly stand up for the idea. Kame didn’t know whether to laugh or be irritated with the thought. Him and Akanishi owning couple things? The likelihood was as flimsy as Taguchi’s jokes.
[Who’s breaking up with who?]
Sometimes, Kame thought of what Akanishi would be doing. Even before the official announcement that he was leaving KAT-TUN, communication with him was already infrequent. Everyone was busy, and perhaps it just so happened that Akanishi was preoccupied with things that really did really not concern the group.
It was getting late. Kame got up and crammed his things into his bag. He’d continue writing this new song tomorrow. After all, music need not be rushed.
oOo
Kamenashi woke up to his clock alarming at 7 AM. Dance practice with the rest of the band was scheduled at 10 AM, but he wanted to get to the studio early and continue writing his song. Upon getting out of bed, he grabbed his towel and took a shower.
After his cold shower, Kame prepared himself a bowl of cereal with milk. He reminded himself not to grab an energy bar on his way out. People had been commenting about his recent weight gain. He remembered reading off some book that depressed people had the tendency to eat more, and thus, gain weight. Could he perhaps be depressed?
[It's disgusting, don't misunderstand]
Of course he’s not depressed. He was overworked. And when you work excessively, you have to compensate for the energy you lose. Sometimes, the body overcompensates, resulting in an inclination to consume more food than needed. Hence, his new, rounder cheeks.
Finishing his breakfast, he flung the bowl into the sink, taking a second look in case the dish broke. It didn’t. He would wash it later when he got home. He picked up his car keys and coat from the hallway table and got out of the house, locking the door behind him.
Kame drove through downtown Tokyo, the glass of his SUV completely tinted so that no one saw who was inside. Passing by some commercial establishments, he saw the billboards and enormous advertisements of “Jin Akanishi: Japan Top Star US Debut” and “Jin Akanishi: Yellow Gold Tour 3010.” They’d been up for quite some time now, and he supposed they were kept there despite Akanishi having finished his US tour because of his upcoming victory concert early next year. Some of the posters had Jin alone in snobbish but still very attractive poses, while others showed him in suggestive poses with a couple of female dancers from his tour.
[You’re so cheap and this isn’t like you]
Kame shook his head and smiled cynically to himself. Despite posing with women in the past for some solo activities, KAT-TUN had never been obliged to engage in such provocative images as a group. He chuckled as he came up with the idea that, perhaps, fan service with each other was enough.
“Jin Akanishi,” Kame said under his breath.
Akanishi even said his name in that manner now, given name first and family name last, unlike how it was usually said in Japan. Well, he was being marketed by Warner now.4 The name reversal was probably a move geared towards the international market.
“Kazuya Kamenashi,” he tried it with his own name. Somehow, it felt unnatural.
He entered the underground parking and was met with dim lighting, so he took his sunglasses off.
“Ah, Kame,” a familiar voice said as Kame got out of the car. It was Nakamaru Yuichi. “You’re early today. Well, you always are,” he added, smiling.
“So are you,” Kame replied. “What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing,” replied Nakamaru, giving his sports bag a heave as he and Kame walked into the lounge together. “I just want to practice some parts of the new choreography so that I can catch up later.”
Kame nodded to acknowledge he had heard.
“What about you? Are you practicing, too?”
“Well, no,” Kame said, adjusting his own bag on his shoulder as they entered the elevator. “I’m writing a new song.”
“Ah, sugoi,” Nakamaru remarked, patting Kame on the back.
“Ja, I’ll be in the studio,” the youngest KAT-TUN member said as he got off the elevator.
The dance studios were higher up the building. Nakamaru waved as the doors closed.
[You’re breaking up with me]
“[Interviewer] Do you still talk with the remaining KAT-TUN members?
[Akanishi] Yeah, if I have a chance.”5
Kame did not know what to make of such reply, as Akanishi had said in a recent interview. If he had a chance? That’s never, then? And as for “remaining KAT-TUN members,” Kame guessed the term did not include him. The last time he saw Akanishi was during the last shooting day for Cartoon KAT-TUN6 and had not had any form of correspondence with him since then.
Kame deposited his bag in an empty chair in the studio and sat down in another one. After a while, his facial muscles began to feel strained, and he realized that he was actually glaring at nothing in particular. His face was just contorted into an expression that looked a lot like anger. He let his elbows rest on the arms of the chair and brought his hands up to his temples to massage himself, relaxing his face as he did so. He was stressed out so early in the morning.
You’re stressed over Akanishi’s interview? Kame questioned himself.
He shook his head, much like a puppy trying to get rid of something unwanted on his head, and put headphones on. Over the night and as he was coming to the studio, he was able to think up some great lines for the song. He grabbed his notebook and pen and set to work.
oOo
[Fiancé? Beyonce
I'm walkin' out of destiny]
Kame snickered as he wrote the last two lines. Adding the American artist’s name was sort of random, but he liked her music, and some of her songs fit the emotion of the song he was writing, too. He imagined doing a moonwalk for the “I’m walkin’ out of destiny” part.
“Kamenashi, what are you still doing here?”
Koki burst into the room, looking like he had just gotten a shower with his scruffy black hair dripping over his towel-draped shoulders. Kame checked his watch. It was already 10:17 AM.
“Sorry, I was writing,” he replied, setting down his notebook.
“Let’s get going,” Koki said, motioning for Kame to get out of his chair already. “We have to perfect this, or else Akanishi’s going to get ahead of us!” he added, laughing.
“What do you mean?”
“Eh? You know he’s going to do a victory concert7 in January, ne?”
“Oh. That,” Kame simply replied as they boarded the elevator.
The dates for Akanishi’s comeback tour were very close to the proposed KAT-TUN tour dates, so there was a tendency for both parties to battle over audience shares.
“Surely, you’re not worried over something like that?” Kame said, stone-faced.
Koki glanced at him, rather surprised. Kame was never really as immodest as the remark he had just uttered made him sound. They stepped off the elevator and went down the corridor that led to the dance studio.
“Well, no,” he replied, running his hand through his untidy hair.
Both men fell silent.
“Oh, and another thing,” Koki said again, turning to Kame as they entered the studio.
Kame saw Nakamaru, Ueda, and Taguchi sitting on a padded bench, chatting.
“I’m sure you haven’t heard this yet, I just found out today,” continued Koki. “Akanishi is arriving today for a meeting with Johnny-san.”
“Really,” the leader replied offhandedly.
[I don't have time, I gotta go]
In truth, he was surprised to hear the news. He did not understand, though, why his pulse seemed to go faster. You’re not actually excited that he’s coming to Japan, Kame, he convinced himself as he changed into a plain white shirt and jogging pants. There’s no chance you’re going to meet him while he’s here. Why would you even want to?
“Ja, hajimemashou!” he said loudly, calling the attention of the four other men.
oOo
Kame hummed a preferred tune for the song while massaging his scalp. He was in the studio’s shower. It was 8 PM and dance practice was done for the day. He was quite happy with the new moves they mastered, and was pleased with how the choreography for his new solo song, Plastic Tears,8 was very much “about him.”
“Kame, we’ll be going now!” Taguchi yelled from outside the bath area.
“Ja ne,” said Ueda’s voice.
“Hai, otsukare sama deshita!” Kame yelled back.
He heard the studio door open and close, signaling that he was alone now. He turned the water on to rinse his hair.
He randomly remembered an old photo of himself and the rest of KAT-TUN resurfacing in the internet recently. It was taken when they were still Johnny’s Jr. talents, when they had a group onsen trip.9 The photograph showed them lined up, scrubbing each other’s backs and washing each other’s hair. Nakamaru was behind him, and the one in front was, of course, Akanishi. Admittedly, Kame missed those days, when Akanishi was very much open to the rest of the group that it was okay to bare it all in front of them. When he trusted Kame enough to let him scrub his back.
Kame recalled how, even back then, Akanishi already had the perfect body, flawless skin. He even had some muscle for his age. Kame began feeling hot and shivery at the same time, and, looking down, realized that he got excited picturing Akanishi. You’re actually aroused, Kamenashi? he said to himself.
Kame stared at the tiled walls of the shower room for a bit, the cold water running through his hair, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and the curves along his mouth. He decided not to give in to temptation and touch himself. He was fatigued as it were. There was no use wasting his energy on that. On him.
Upon finishing his shower, the JE heartthrob put on a printed white shirt and denim pants, as well as a loose black jacket. He slung his bag over his shoulder, now slightly heavier because of the wet towel inside, and walked out of the dance studio, turning the lights off as he passed by the switch on the wall.
[Pretending like you’re more sad]
Kame walked down the hallway to the elevator. As he waited for the elevator to come down to his floor, he tapped a rhythm he was growing fond of for the song he was writing. He was thinking of adding a bit of techno, club feel to it, but he was currently working on heavy guitars as the main accompaniment.
The elevator doors finally opened, and the inside was empty except for a single person.
“Oh. Hey.”
Akanishi spoke as soon as he spotted Kame. The younger man stared for a bit, shocked, but quickly regained composure and entered coolly.
“Hisashiburi, ne,” he replied, not really expecting the now-soloist to reply and engage in a long conversation.
“I know,” Akanishi said, further surprising Kame. “I just got off a meeting with Johnny-san.”
Kame stared at the elevator door, unsure of how to respond. Akanishi was actually trying to make small talk? That can’t be right.
“Congratulations on your new single, by the way,” Akanishi spoke again, referring to Change Ur World.10
“Thanks,” Kame replied, finally finding a safe response. “Congratulations on your US tour, too.”
Akanishi smiled politely as the elevator came to a halt. The doors opened, and Kame was first to step out. He made a small bow, never looking Akanishi in the eye, and then began walking to his car. He was about 3 parking spaces away from his vehicle when his innate foolishness got the better of him.
“Hey, wanna go get some coffee or something?” he yelled across the underground parking lot.
oOoOo
Part 2
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