Without You is How I Disappear - Chapter 1
Title: Without You is How I Disappear
Authors: superhero0008, carboncastel, cascadingmerrygoround @ Tumblr
Pairing: Akame, MaruDa, RyoDa (plus others)
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama, Smut
Disclaimer: We own no one in this fic except some minor OC. We own the plot.
Summary: World of Johnny’s Entertainment is burning with glitz and glamour. At the very top is Crimson Glory, the famous pop duo made up of the incredibly charismatic Kamenashi Kazuya and the enthralling Ueda Tatsuya. They are alike in that they follow where their hearts take them. Akanishi Jin is a solo artist who just recently debuted, slowly working his way to the top. Nishikido Ryo is an actor, and he goes for what he wants. Nakamaru Yuichi is the agency’s official photographer, and he’s happy with what he has. And Johnny Kitagawa. He doesn't make it easy for any of them. Well, except for his favorites, Shirota Yuu and Taguchi Junnosuke, and most especially, Kamenashi. What is true and what is false in this industry of illusions? What will they hold onto and what should they let go of?
A/N: Hey, superhero0008 here. Welcome to this new fic. We got the title from a song by My Chemical Romance, just to set things straight. Now go read and comments are love. And of course, we hope you enjoy! :]
Without You is How I Disappear
Chapter 1
“So... does this look idol-like enough?" Kamenashi Kazuya said aloud, adjusting the hem of his shirt.
His voice practically echoed inside the dimly-lit dressing room, which was large even by Johnny's Entertainment's standards. With him inside the room was a woman nearing her forties. They both inspected the clothing adorning the body of the young man. Unsure whether it looked good on him, Kame faced a mirror and stepped back a little from it, surveying his attire. The woman beside him chuckled as she helped smoothen out the wrinkles.
"It's fine,” Okazaki Sakura, Crimson Glory's manager, replied with a small smile. “It looks exactly like something the Crimson Glory would wear.”
At this, Kame frowned as he looked down at the shimmering designs of his black pants. Okazaki didn’t meddle with the creative aspects of their career, only busying herself with their schedule and earnings, but Kame would have wanted the manager to step in when it came to the glitter.
"I told you, it's fine,” she continued after taking a last look at his clothes, “I don't understand why you have to fuss so much over such a small detail," said Okazaki with a tone of finality.
Kame gave a little pout. Okazaki saw this and seemed to relent. With a huff, she added, "Besides, you look handsome anyway no matter what you wear."
Kame let out a pleased laugh and gave his manager's shoulder an affectionate squeeze. Despite her usually stern demeanor, Kame was actually quite fond of her. Okazaki, after all, was concerned for Crimson Glory in ways unexpected of a manager. She took care of Kame and Ueda like they were her sons.
Kame was grateful for that, since he never really knew his own parents, and his earliest memories were already of his time in the orphanage. Okazaki was something of a mother figure to him.
“Also, your partner doesn’t seem to mind the sparkling costumes.”
Kame had to laugh again. True enough, Ueda was more than willing to wear the flashy outfits the staff came up with. It was really more of his partner’s style, and Ueda always managed to look good in all those feathers, sequins and other nonsense. In the beginning, Kame just put on whatever costume was concocted for the duo for the sake of showing their unity, but now, he was not so sure that kind of image fit him as well as it fit Ueda.
“Maybe it’s time we started parting ways in terms of style? I mean, we’re an established duo now. We don’t have to look like twins all the time anymore,” Kame explained, still laughing.
Just then, a knock on the dressing room door was heard.
“Yes, who is it?” Kame called out from in front of the mirror.
The door opened by a small crack.
“Kamenashi-san?” said a familiar voice, and Kame recognized it to be that of Akanishi Jin, a fellow talent from the agency.
“Oh, it’s you! Come in.”
Jin opened the door and let himself in, peeking inside the room cautiously.
“Oh, Okazaki-san,” he said, bowing to the middle-aged woman.
Okazaki curtly nodded back after sparing Jin an indifferent glance. Jin always felt edgy around her, like he was always being judged or something. He didn’t like the feeling.
“What brings you here, Jin?” Kame asked with a gracious smile that pulled Jin out of his short musing.
“Kitagawa-san asked me to bring these to you,” the older man replied, handing Kame a neatly wrapped parcel with “Kamenashi” scribbled along the side.
“Did he say what was in it?”
Kame desultorily inspected the parcel. He was still rather absorbed in the details of his costume he found rather dreary.
“I’m sorry, but he didn’t say anything about that, Kamenashi-san,” Akanishi replied politely.
Too courteously for his image, Kame thought.
Kame placed the small package on his dresser, deciding that he’d deal with it later. He made a last nod towards Okazaki, adjusted his collar, and motioned for Jin to follow him out of the dressing room.
“Why are you so formal with me?” Kame asked with a chuckle as they made their way to the set of the PV shoot for Amaranth Promise.
The new song was going to be used for actor Nishikido Ryo’s upcoming drama. Kame was a professional. He regarded everyone equally, so that is to say he treated everyone nicely, but he couldn’t help but sometimes feel that Nishikido had a problem with him. But he tried not to think about it. Nishikido, after all, was a friend of Jin’s, and Kame got along with Jin pretty well. Nishikido can’t be that bad.
“I just called you ‘Jin,’ didn’t I?” Kame's tone matched his smiling face, as if nothing murky was going on in his mind. “You can call me ‘Kazuya’ if you like.”
Jin smiled, glancing sideways.
“I’ll call you ‘Kazuya’ from now on, then.”
“There we go,” Kame replied approvingly. “At least now we’ll sound like the good friends that we are."
Jin frowned, feeling rather off about the remark that sounded sarcastic, but he did not have the chance to express himself. Not that he would have dared, though, because they had then arrived at the set, and the makeup and style people instantly flocked around Kame. Jin looked at Kame as the latter just smiled and patiently allowed himself to be only short of shoved into his rightful place to be fixed and made up for the shoot, never glancing in Jin’s direction. Jin decided to steer clear of the mini-commotion over Kame and went over to his friend’s spot on the set.
Ryo was slumped against the sofa on the set, taking a sip from the already half empty water bottle in his hand. Jin sat down beside him, clapping his friend on the shoulder.
“How’s work?” asked Jin, looking around the people bustling about on the set. His own PV shoot didn’t seem too busy and cluttered when they made it.
“It’s going well, I guess,” replied Ryo noncommittally, not even glancing at Jin.
Jin glanced in Kame’s direction again. He seemed to be enjoying how people were busying over him. Jin frowned. He hated it when they crowd around him and touch him everywhere, feeling rather violated even if it were those people’s jobs to put makeup on him and fix his clothes.
He tore his gaze away from the younger man and turned back to his friend.
“And what’s it feel like to work with ‘Crimson Glory’?” Jin said, grinning and drawing quotation marks in the air with his fingers at the name of the outrageously famous duo.
Ryo finally returned Jin’s grin and said, “Surprisingly, they’re not as diva-like as I thought they’d be. Ueda’s great, we get along really well. But - ”
Ryo paused, as if considering his next statement.
“But what?” Jin pressed on, curious.
“But there’s something I don’t like about that Kamenashi,” continued Ryo, looking away again.
“Eh? Why’s that? He’s okay.”
Jin tried to sound unconcerned with his comment.
“I don’t know.”
Ryo made a face.
“I just don’t like him, that’s all.”
Just then, a man with light brown hair and glitters under his eyes came up to the two of them and said to Ryo, “Tired already, Nishikido-san?”
Jin recognized him as Kame’s partner, the other half of Crimson Glory.
“Yeah,” Ryo looked smugly at the idol as he crossed his arms. “Looking at all that twinkling things on that coat of yours tired my eyes out.”
Jin looked apprehensively at Ueda, expecting the man to be offended by Ryo’s comment. Instead, Ueda laughed, all smiling eyes and pearly teeth. It was then that Jin noted that the idol was just as attractive as, if not more attractive than how he looked on photos and magazines.
“Yes, well, only I can pull off all this glitter,” Ueda retorted, raising an eyebrow.
Ryo smiled and raised his hands in a gesture of defeat, “Point taken.”
Jin cleared his throat, somewhat in awe of Ryo’s all-too-friendly manner. The actor took it, though, to mean that Jin was feeling out of place.
“By the way, Ueda, this is my friend, Akanishi Jin,” Ryo said casually. “Jin, I suppose you know Ueda Tatsuya of Crimson Glory?”
Jin grinned and stood up to shake Ueda’s hand, “Of course, I know him. Who doesn’t?”
“Lots of people,” Ueda asserted humbly, reaching for the handshake and bowing at the same time.
When Jin sat down again, Ueda turned his back to them, scanning the crowd of people at the set.
“Let me guess,” said Ryo, looking up at Ueda with a knowing smirk. “You’re looking for the photographer.”
The glittering man couldn’t keep himself from grinning as he looked down at Ryo, “Who said I was looking for him?”
Ryo pointed an accusatory finger at the idol. Jin remained quiet at this fascinatingly warm exchange, silently observing.
“That grin says it all,” Ryo said, and then added, “He’s over there in that corner, sitting in front of those huge computer screens.”
Ueda quickly excused himself and made his way to the mentioned place as Ryo’s and Jin’s gazes followed him across the room. They saw the idol stand behind the man sitting in front of the computers. Jin knew the photographer, Nakamaru, he remembered his name was.
The photographer’s back was to them, but he turned his head to the side when he heard Ueda approach and greeted him delightedly. Ueda leaned forward, his face perhaps a bit too close to the other’s and then whispered something in the man’s ear.
“There they go again,” Ryo rolled his eyes and averted his gaze for a moment.
“What kind of reaction is that?” Jin asked, puzzled.
Ryo turned his gaze back onto the idol.
“They’re together, you know,” said Ryo quietly. “Him and that photographer guy. Shocking, don’t you think?”
Jin had to admit that he was surprised, but only a little. He himself was open to relationships with the same sex. Ryo doesn’t know that, of course. He looked over at Ueda and Nakamaru again thoughtfully. And then, for a brief moment, too fast for anyone who wasn’t watching to notice, Ueda brushed his lips against the man’s temple. The idol, just as fast as it happened, put an acceptable distance between him and the photographer.
“Now that was shocking,” said a wide-eyed Jin.
Even the photographer looked surprised at the gesture, for he was now craning his neck sideways, gaping at Ueda.
Ueda then looked around, probably to see whether anyone saw. He saw Ryo looking in their direction, and gave him a conspiratorial wink. Ryo raised his eyebrows, surprised, and just nodded awkwardly.
Ryo averted his gaze, and then saw Kame standing off to one side, looking at him. It appeared that Kame had been watching the whole exchange, as the staff had moved on to busying over the makeup of the minor actors in the PV. Kame glanced in the direction of Ueda, then smiled animatedly back at Ryo. The actor tried his best to return the smile, but failed.
Annoyed, Ryo looked to the side, hoping to find some sense of sanity at least from his friend. Unfortunately, Jin’s face was alight with a wide grin. Ryo groaned in exasperation.
oOo
Going to a club to unwind was not usually Kame’s thing, because he was more of the chill-at-home type of person, but he was more than happy to accept the invitation from his best friend, Tanaka Koki, whom he had not talked to in a while. Both of them were busy as hell during the past weeks. They agreed to meet up at the club that night after work and sat down at a table together, exchanging anecdotes about each other’s career and other interesting tidbits from the music industry.
“If the famous Kazu-chan of Crimson Glory ever gets tired of singing pop, I’d be more than willing to do a collab with you,” said the rapper, who was quite well-known himself in the hip-hop scene.
Their drinks arrived at the table. Koki took his glass and, his blinged fingers glittering in the faltering laser lights of the club, downed the beverage immediately.
“Of course! That’d be an honor,” replied Kame, chuckling. “But can you honestly imagine me rapping?”
Koki laughed and called a waiter to order more alcohol.
Kame had been sitting there with Koki for about an hour and a half, quickly getting bored listening to the repetitive thuds of the blaring techno music, when colleagues from the industry, Yamashita Tomohisa and Akanishi Jin, joined them. Kame was rather happy, albeit surprised, that Jin was quick to sit beside him along the round table. The two of them started chatting animatedly almost instantly.
Empty beer bottles littered in front of them and Koki brushed a spot of ash from his cigarette off the table as he spoke.
“Anything new coming up?” he candidly addressed YamaPi, as the singer-actor was better known.
YamaPi smiled back.
“An album, very soon.”
He raised his glass to his lips, but halted upon a second thought.
“How’s that collaboration with Sakurai Sho going?”
Koki smiled back, rather flattered that YamaPi was aware of the project.
“It’s going alright. We have so many ideas.”
Koki took a swig of his beer.
“You’re both rappers. It would be a shame if the two of you didn’t have anything to say!” Kame suddenly exclaimed from Koki’s side, sounding already tipsy.
The rapper glanced sideways at his best friend and tried to hide his astonishment at the fact that Kame and Jin were sitting so close. The soloist even had his arm over the younger man’s shoulders. YamaPi seemed rather awkward about this too, and looked very much grateful that at that moment, a tall woman with long auburn hair approached their table and greeted the artist. Yamashita instantly got up from his seat and went to dance with the girl. Taking this as his cue, Koki excused himself as well.
The rapper was momentarily lost in the crowd on the dance floor. Moments later, however, Kame fleetingly saw his friend in a far corner of the bar nodding in agreement with a dark figure that seemed somewhat familiar. Kame wanted to see what exactly was going on, squinting in the dim light of the club and through his drunken state, but his attention was brought back to his companion, Jin, who was now drunkenly sprawled against his shoulder and was - Kame gulped - nuzzling his neck.
“Jin?” Kame said, so that the guy attempted, and quite failed, to straighten up.
Kame chuckled, only hazily registering the scene, as he tried to turn. Jin grunted, putting his arm around Kame’s waist.
"Hmm," said the older man, the tip of his nose brushing against Kame's jaw. "I like the title of your new song, by the way..."
“What, Amaranth Promise?” Kame replied, his speech slightly slurred, as he reached for another drink.
“Yeah, that one, it has a beautiful meaning.”
Jin’s grip on Kame’s waist tightened. Kame was beginning to feel warm.
“Really? I’ll have to take your word for it.”
And the idol let out a little laugh.
“I don’t even know what the hell Amaranth means,” Kame continued, snorting his disapproval.
“You mean you don’t even know what your own song means?” said Jin, now lifting his head and grinning ridiculously at the younger man.
“I know the message of the song, okay?” Kame snapped back, taking a swig of beer rather sloppily now. “Just ‘Amaranth.’”
Kame’s voice trailed off, but after a moment, he couldn’t resist but ask, “Why? What does it mean?”
“Listen carefully,” said Jin, whose face was now mere inches from the younger man. “Amaranth means an imaginary flower that never fades.”
In his intoxicated state, Kame had to take a moment to process the information. Then, his eyes widened in amazement, filled with childish glee.
“But that’s… brilliant! Our song is great!”
Jin let out a peal of laughter and, taking Kame’s face in his hands said, “You’re really cute, aren’t you?”
Kame inhaled. Jin’s hands were warm and fragrant against his cheeks. He raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at the comment, though.
“What are you suggesting?”
“That’s my way of saying," and the solo artist leaned forward, speaking in a low voice, “I want to kiss you.”
Kame’s breath kind of caught in his chest, but not really, because he inhaled Jin’s scent again, just as their lips met in a warm and somewhat wet kiss. They remained like that for a moment, Kame was motionless, rather stunned, but then Jin’s tongue darted out and his teeth tugged sweetly at the corner of Kame’s mouth, begging for entrance.
Kame parted his lips to whisper that someone with malicious intention might see them, but then Jin’s tongue made its way into his mouth, brushing over his own tongue, and Kame just lost himself in the kiss.
oOo
When he thought that his date’s looks could make up for her less than stellar personality, he had been wrong. Because right now, Shirota Yuu was bored. The club was nothing special, and the people there were nobodies whose company he could do without. The women were pretty enough, but, faced with the prospect of having nothing to do the rest of the time but stare at women’s boobs and excessive make-up, Yuu would rather call it a night.
Just when he was about to feed some excuse to his companion, he bumped into Yamashita Tomohisa.
“Hey,” Yuu greeted reservedly as he and his partner happened to stand beside YamaPi and his supermodel of a partner on the dance floor.
“Oh, hi,” YamaPi nodded vaguely, looking puzzled for a moment before Yuu saw a spark of recognition in his eyes. YamaPi belatedly recalled the man’s face- a model, trying to break into the music scene.
Drifting away from the singer-actor and his dance partner, Shirota spotted dear old Kamenashi at a table in a corner of the club with - and Shirota just had to smirk - Akanishi Jin.
This wasn’t the first time he had seen them together. They were friends, from what he heard at the agency. But this was the first time Shirota saw them… like this. Even as he watched, the two entangled themselves and… Shirota’s smirk broke into a full grin as he witnessed Akanishi kiss Kame. He made a mental note and grinned as he turned back to his date. The night could still end well if she’d agree to go home with him.
oOo
“Sir? Your service has arrived.”
Jin, whose arm was still around Kame, felt the younger man turn to the waiter who curtly motioned to the exit of the club with a gloved hand. He, of course, meant the agency car that was waiting for Kame outside the club. Johnny never lets him go clubbing without making sure that he was going to go home safe. At first, Kame felt weird and embarrassed at this special treatment, but now he was used to it. Kame nodded to the waiter, and the latter bowed before leaving him.
“Jin, I have to go,” Kame whispered, almost giggling.
“Um… okay.”
They both stood up, and just before Kame made his way to the exit, Jin pulled him in for a hug.
“What are you doing?” Kame asked, amused.
“I don’t know,” whispered a smiling Jin, his breath hot against Kame’s shoulder.
Then, Jin began pressing soft kisses to the side of the base of Kame’s neck. Kame smiled drunkenly as the other man’s actions sent pleasurable shivers down his spine.
“That’s one hell of a goodbye,” said Kame, laughing. “But I really have to go now.”
“Right,” said Jin, releasing the other man from his arms. “Sorry,” he added, grinning, eyes slightly out of focus.
Kame laughed again before walking away.
Jin dimly asked himself what he just did, when YamaPi finally turned up again as they were at the edge of the dance floor, whispering to him and pointing in the direction of a tall man wearing a fedora that practically hid his face.
oOo
What was that about, Kazuya? Kame fuzzily pondered as he lay in bed, a hand over his forehead, shielding his eyes from the glaring chandelier that was his bedroom lighting.
He turned over in his bed, relishing the feel of the silk sheets against his cheeks that were still flushed from all the alcohol.
Well, at least he could be sure that the club management was discreet about anything that happened within the club’s walls. Because if they weren’t, Kame wouldn’t know how to explain to Johnny Kitagawa what just happened between himself and Akanishi. With that concern tucked away, Kame realized he had some more trouble to deal with. How would he face Jin after tonight?
Those were his last thoughts before falling into dreamless sleep.
~end of Chapter 1~
Chapter 2
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