(no subject)
I didn't notice
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere
Akanishi quietly fumbled with his fedora, staring at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. The truth was that he just didn’t want to meet the gaze of those passing him by. It was 7 PM and he was sitting on a bench in a corridor of the Johnny’s dance studios, waiting for Nakamaru. He disagreed to wait there at first, but the oldest KAT-TUN member insisted.
Jin had a few things to discuss with Nakamaru, hoping that the beatboxer would lend his skills for some of Jin’s new songs. Nakamaru seemed fairly excited when Jin called him. The press was even more wound up about it.
“Is it true that you’re going to have a collaboration song with Nakamaru-san?”
“What about with the rest of KAT-TUN?”
“Any chance of collaborating with your former group?”
Jin politely smiled in response during his most recent press conference. Their questions were blunt and absurd. Maybe it was the media’s fault that some fans still could not accept the fact that KAT-TUN was now a five-man team, and Akanishi Jin was, in his own right, Akanishi Jin.
“What’s the likelihood of having a project with Kamenashi-san?”
As he sat in the hallway, inwardly cursing Nakamaru for taking so long, he remembered how he struggled to keep smiling when he heard that question. Those people, they did not know anything. Those from the industry probably think it’s a long-running publicity stunt, that AkaKame thing fans have got going. Some even find it funny, like it was a joke.
They did not know that the name “Kamenashi” meant more to Jin than a mere colleague, or a friend who used to be really close. Akanishi never really displayed his affection toward the younger man, for lack of courage to do so, actually. He appreciated Kame, just as Kame overtly loved him. Jin was just not good at expressing it.
“Thanks for waiting,” the candid voice of Nakamaru Yuichi suddenly said to Jin’s left.
The soloist looked up and saw Nakamaru, hair still dripping from after-practice shower, grinning down at him. Behind him, walking in the other direction, was the rest of KAT-TUN, talking among themselves about where to have dinner after the tiring day.
“Don’t you have to go with them?” Jin asked, worried that he had interrupted group bonding or something.
“No, they know we’re planning tracks tonight,” Nakamaru said, motioning for Jin to stand up already.
“And they’re okay with it?”
The soloist stood up, put on his hat, and cast another glance at the four men, now further down the corridor. Kame was walking behind Taguchi, talking to Ueda who was nodding in agreement to whatever Kame was saying.
“Akanishi, what are we, preschoolers?” Nakamaru began, laughing. “Of course they’re okay with us working together.”
Jin continued to look uneasy, so that Nakamaru put his hand on the soloist’s shoulder.
“If you’re worried about Kame,” he said, a sad smile on his lips. “He’s okay with us working together. And… he’s okay in general.”
I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you
Kame tiredly entered his apartment and threw his car keys on the living room table. He set his sports bag down on the carpeted floor and collapsed on his couch with a sigh. Today’s dance practice was particularly exhausting, and it was only the start of the year. Kame thought that work would keep his mind off of things, but it seemed that, recently, his mind found nothing to think about except the things that, in fact, defeated him day by day.
It has long been over, Kamenashi, he always told himself. It’s been six months since the relationship ended, but it still felt like only yesterday when it happened, so that he had to keep reminding himself. His life did not change much when he and Jin got together, so that when they broke up, it was not exactly difficult. Looking back, Kame thought that sex was the only deed that qualified them as lovers. It was the only thing they added to their ambivalent friendship to be able to call it more than that.
Kame’s mobile phone made a muffled ring in his jeans pocket.
“Kamenashi desu,” he said tiredly, taking the call.
“Kame, do you have your water bottle with you?”
“Eh?”
Kame checked the clock on his living room wall. It was 9 in the evening and Nakamaru Yuichi was calling, asking about a water bottle.
“I think our bottles got switched.”
Kame reached into his bag, still not getting off the sofa, and brought out the bottle he hurriedly stowed along with his other things upon finishing dance practice. It was his own.
“No, I have mine here,” Kame replied, slouching back in his seat.
“Oh, really?” Nakamaru laughed. “This must be Ueda’s, then.”
Both men made random comments and reminders for the next few KAT-TUN activities before finally saying good night. As he pressed the “end call” button, Kame sighed. Nakamaru was supposedly out with Akanishi for dinner, and the KAT-TUN leader wondered if they had parted ways yet. Would Nakamaru call him in front of Jin?
After the break up, it felt like everything had to be hidden away. Contact was absolutely unwelcome. While Kame was aware that he had been very straightforward about his feelings, he wanted to be a man of reason. They broke up, and he knew that the rational thing to do was to move on with his life. It was easy. Akanishi did not have possessions left in Kame’s apartment, nor did the younger man bring things when he stayed over at Jin’s place. The few gifts Kame received over the course of their relationship were tucked away in the back of his closet, hidden from view lest they reminded him of what was now over.
Kame was fine, but he did not like being reminded of Akanishi. He had promised himself that the day Jin left KAT-TUN, the day Jin left him, was the last day he would willfully think of the man. Kame gave himself that day to grieve, and sulk, and cry, but after that, he hid everything. As if, with Jin’s departure, Kame’s feelings for him left, too.
One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home
Jin clambered onto the bed in his hotel room, slightly dizzy with the few beers he downed. One thing he liked about Nakamaru was that the guy was always accommodating about others’ whims, so that asking him to go drink with Jin was uncomplicated. He was even kind enough to offer taking Jin to his hotel, as the latter was already tipsy. Jin knew that, for his own sake, he had to manage the simple act of going home by himself, “home” being the hotel room he was currently checked into.
As he was never in one place for very long these days, management decided to check him into a hotel for now. Jin felt like it was a tactic to get him to work in the wee hours of the morning and very late into the night, since adjacent to his room were those of persistent staff members. He didn’t mind, though.
While everyone thought he was just being ambitious with writing a lot of songs within such a short timeframe and being wild with his night-outs bordering on scandalous, the truth was that Jin just wanted to keep himself busy. For the longest time, there was this empty feeling inside him that he did not know what to do with, how to fill.
It had been there even before calling it quits with Kame, so he guessed it was not about the younger man. But then, when they were still together, in the rare moments that Jin admitted that something was wrong, Kame was the one who tried his best to make Jin feel alright. He would cook for him (he was good at making cheer-up meals), get a movie for them to watch, sometimes instinctively please Jin, which usually ended up in sex (and he was good at that, too).
For the longest time, Jin thought as he stared up at the Victorian ceiling of the hotel suite, Kame had been his refuge from the pressure of work and all the demands of the world. Kame was the one person who welcomed him without expecting him to act in a certain way that was predictable of Akanishi Jin. He was really grateful for that, but he knew that he had never mentioned it, let alone make Kame feel that.
Perhaps that’s why he heard no pleas from the younger man for him to stay when Jin said that he was leaving. There was no drama. The news broke out to the press, Jin saw Kame at the end of the day, they talked about what was aired on TV, end of story. Jin didn’t stay over that night, and he didn’t go to Kame’s place again since then. Kame never called, and Jin knew it was only fair. Jin never gave Kame a reason to want to stay in the relationship.
Jin closed his eyes and placed a hand over his forehead. He could feel a headache coming on. That usually happened when he was not sober but not exactly drunk either. Somehow, his body couldn’t handle the uncertainty. He could hear his own heartbeat, gradually falling to its normal rate. He breathed slowly, feeling every inhale and exhale leave his parched mouth. Slowly and unconsciously, he brought his hand down to his lips.
Jin would not be able to count the number of women he kissed if he had to, but Kamenashi was the only man who had ever touched him. Maybe, just maybe, that’s another reason for Jin’s unsettled feelings about the relationship. For so long, it seemed like sex was the focal point of the affair, and he was satisfied with that. Kame never complained, and Jin never bothered to ask.
He did not just take advantage of Kame, of that Jin was certain. He could have sex with a hundred different women and still want to come home to that slender and firm embrace only Kame could give. That was probably the difference, anyway. Sex with Kame was always an adventure. His body seemed fragile under Jin’s touch, but, unlike women, the actor could be strong and forceful just as well.
Jin heaved a sigh. He felt hot, the alcohol finally starting to take effect, and thinking about Kame gave him a hard on. But it was stupid to even consider touching himself with the image of Kamenashi Kazuya, the man he had decidedly left, burning in his memory as he closed his eyes. It was unfair to both of them. Jin sighed again, his breath catching in his throat as he fought back tears.
It was in moments like this when Jin allowed himself to feel the pain. When no one was there to see. When he knew that he was too intoxicated to resist anyway. When his guard was down, his mind was flooded with what ifs and what had beens, with regrets and wishes from the depths of his heart he did not dare wish when he was sober. When he was all alone in his world, he could admit to himself that he was hurting and Kamenashi, the one person who used to make it all better, was not anymore by his side.
Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?
Kame was lying in bed on his stomach. He was tired but wide awake. Seeing Akanishi was really not good for his mental health. He saw the soloist sitting in the corridor by himself, and Kame ended up thinking about him for the rest of the night.
Jin was sitting on the bench in the corridor by himself. He looked nervous, perhaps aware that his presence in the KAT-TUN-occupied studio was uncomfortable for most of the staff. But Jin was always cute when he was unsure of what to do. He didn’t even notice Kame pass by and enter the dance studio as he was busy scrutinizing his fedora. Kame, feeling warm in his bed, closed his eyes and sighed. At that moment in the studio, he wanted to just run to Jin and embrace him. Kame missed the man so much.
But that’s what’s wrong with you, Kame reminded himself. He let himself love Jin too much. He never felt taken advantage of, but he knew that the scales had always been tipped on his side. Maybe there was nothing wrong with that. But then, he showed it too much.
Kame sometimes asked himself if he had, somehow in their restrained interactions, still managed to smother Jin. The older man never complained. He was more of a passive lover, which was totally okay with Kame, as long as he was staying in the relationship of his own free will. If truth be told, Kame thought he could endure whatever Jin did as long as they came home to each other’s arms and preferred the company at the end of the day.
There was this one time, though, when Kame asked Jin to come with him to visit the KAT-TUN leader’s parents, and Jin downright disagreed. Kame was disappointed, but he knew the reaction was normal. He himself did not know how long they would be sharing that kind of unnamed, cold, but exclusive affair, so having Jin meet his parents was undeniably threatening.
Jin loved partying and freedom. Needless to say, he would be the type who disliked commitments, and Kame was not about to try and fit a leash on him. He loved him too much to do that. But sometimes, Kame wondered how he could have done things differently, and if he did, would it have made Jin stay?
Kame pressed his eyes shut and angrily punched his pillow, partly out of frustration, but mostly out of annoyance with himself. There was no need to think of such things now. Jin chose to let him go. He had deemed he didn’t need the younger man, so it was only right and fair for Kame to let him go already, too.
What would you do if I could have you?
Oh if I could
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?
Akanishi Jin sat in bed, eyes still half closed and his brain barely awake. His hair was characteristically disheveled and his night clothes, a white shirt and plain pajama bottoms, were ruffled in places. It was 4 in the morning and he woke up feeling cold and remembering none other than Kamenashi. Alcohol had such an effect on him sometimes, and Jin did not know whether it was better or worse than the regular hangover.
Jin sat still, his back against the headboard and his legs sprawled. He listened to his own breathing, as if searching for answers from his own sounds. His eyes stared at the wall opposite the bed but didn’t really see. He was seeing Kame. Somehow, when he woke up, he was reminded of how it used to be between him and the younger man.
Jin knew that for the most part, it was sex that kept them together. At least, on his part it was. There were days when he’d be uninterested in Kame, but he would want to have him in bed and enjoy all the wonders the KAT-TUN leader could do. That was not to say that Jin did not take joy in gratifying Kame. That’s how Jin knew that he was in it for something else other than the sex. The acts he would never perform for anyone, he willingly did for Kame. He liked it when Kame was satisfied. He liked it that he was the reason for Kame’s pleasure, sexual or not.
The soloist sometimes imagined what he would want to do with Kame if they got back together. His thoughts, he noticed, strayed to not necessarily sexual acts. He realized that he would be happy with simple things. If given the chance, he would let Kame feel loved differently. (Sometimes kidding himself that he would finally let Kame feel loved.) He would work toward demonstrating this thing he kept repeating to himself over and over again: that he loved Kame.
He wanted to do simple things to show he cared. Perhaps try cooking for him (Funny how in such type of relationship, it didn’t matter which one cooked for the other, Jin thought), go shopping with him (heavily disguised, of course), and even just prepare a dinner date at home. Jin knew that if he could do those little things, he would be happy and feel good about himself as well.
Despite knowing his heart’s wishes, Jin thought as he finally felt sober for the day ahead, he knew that it was not that easy. He chose his own path, and he had to stick with it. He broke Kame’s heart for his own dreams, and getting back with him at this point would seem like a cruel joke that would probably break Kame even more. Getting back with Kame was a thought Jin constantly carried with him. He was not hoping for it, but he just thought it was a beautifully sad thing to be inspired with.
Jin checked the digital clock at the hotel suite’s bedside table. He had spent an hour staring at the wall, and the sun was beginning to rise, the first rays softly seeping through the window’s curtains. It was time for work again, and so it was time to push back into the depths of his soul whatever thoughts about Kame he had let out.
One of these days
Kamenashi entered the Johnny’s Entertainment building, smiling to himself about his plans for the day ahead. There was so much to do, what with various guestings with KAT-TUN and on his own, shooting for Going! Sports and News, and there, too, was Ks by Ks. But he was happy to be busy. Plus, he would be turning 25 in a few weeks. He was excited about the projects and programs he was going to have to do for his birthday.
Coming up to the floor where KAT-TUN held their dance practice, he went down the familiar hallway. As he neared the dance studio, he saw Akanishi pacing the corridor, looking nervous. The soloist’s hands were in his jeans’ pockets and he was biting his lip. Kame’s initial reaction was to slow down, as his heart began to race. There was, however, no other way to turn, and Jin already saw him. In fact, they made eye contact.
Kame wasn’t sure that he wanted to leave anyway. He missed this guy. A simple “Hi!” would do for the both of them.
I won't be afraid of staying with you
Jin stood in the hallway, walking to and fro in front of the dance studio where KAT-TUN practiced. He was nervous, but he had agreed to meet Nakamaru here. The both of them knew that bumping into Kamenashi was inevitable, but Nakamaru implicitly understood, or maybe just assumed, that Akanishi, in fact, wanted to see the KAT-TUN leader.
Jin made a few turns before hearing footsteps over his own and, upon turning around, he saw Kame coming down the hallway, bag in hand and a smile on his face. Jin unthinkingly stopped pacing and, instead, stared at Kame. There was a bounce in his step. Jin wondered what it was about, if Kame was happy about something, and if, perhaps, Jin’s presence would spoil his mood.
Finally, Kame spotted him, and there was an obvious decrease in his speed. Had manners been nonexistent, Jin thought the younger musician would probably have run in the other direction by now, away from the man who hurt him.
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home
Kame came to a halt in front of Jin, right next to the door. He carefully watched, unsure if the older man was prepared to see him at all. Jin, on the other hand, basically stared, his jaw hanging open in uncertainty. Kame watched and was somewhat amused as Jin opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fish. Kame guessed the soloist was just as nervous as he was.
This was the first time they were seeing each other since that night in July of 2010.
Finally, Kame smiled and said, “Hisashiburi ne.”
The smile, Jin thought, was so genuine and angelic that he didn’t deserve it for the things he’d done. Maybe he did not deserve Kame to begin with. Chances are, if they get back together at all, Jin would just do some stupid mistake to hurt the younger man again. Maybe the idea of getting back together was Jin being selfish as usual. Kame looked happy and content without him.
Kame stared, waiting for a reply, but saw that Jin was getting teary-eyed, and it confused the leader. Why was Jin crying? In all the years that they were together, both as bandmates and lovers, Jin never cried in front of Kame. Akanishi had never let Kame see him weak.
The tears disappeared as quickly as they formed in the soloist’s eyes. Kame had to hold back a sigh as he unspokenly told himself that, indeed, nothing has changed. Akanishi Jin was still Akanishi Jin. Strong, reserved, and cold.
Jin saw Kame’s smile flicker for a split second, but it came right back on. He was thankful for that smile. It made him feel forgiven, even if he knew he wasn’t. Even if he had not forgiven himself just yet.
“Hisashiburi,” Jin replied, finally smiling, too.
Kame was a bit surprised, but thought that, hey, they’ve known each other for a decade or so, and they’ve been together romantically for a couple of years, too. A smile wouldn’t do harm. It didn’t promise the hurt of the breakup to disappear, of course. In fact, it somehow brought back the pain and regret. It was ridiculous to hope for a resumption of what had been put on hold for the past couple of months, because it was not put on hold, but brusquely ended. But the smile promised friendship. A good fresh start.
Kame nodded as further acknowledgement of the company.
Jin smiled liked he hadn’t done in years. He realized that he didn’t smile like that a lot, like those facial muscles were reserved for certain people such as family, his closest friends, and, he realized, Kamenashi. Kame was important to him even if he never showed it.
He still did not know how he would show it. He knew, in his heart, he was still frightened of so many things that entailed a formal relationship. And now, the possibility of just hurting Kame again added to his fears. While he was having such realizations, the circumstances are still the same. He would still have to fly in and out of the country and tend to so many things. He had to organize his own life before he could try and actually learn how to properly love Kame.
But this was Kamenashi he was talking about. He was the most special person to Jin, and perhaps, Jin hoped, one of these days, things would take a turn for the better for both of them.
One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
~end~
oOo
pseudo-fic list here
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere
Akanishi quietly fumbled with his fedora, staring at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. The truth was that he just didn’t want to meet the gaze of those passing him by. It was 7 PM and he was sitting on a bench in a corridor of the Johnny’s dance studios, waiting for Nakamaru. He disagreed to wait there at first, but the oldest KAT-TUN member insisted.
Jin had a few things to discuss with Nakamaru, hoping that the beatboxer would lend his skills for some of Jin’s new songs. Nakamaru seemed fairly excited when Jin called him. The press was even more wound up about it.
“Is it true that you’re going to have a collaboration song with Nakamaru-san?”
“What about with the rest of KAT-TUN?”
“Any chance of collaborating with your former group?”
Jin politely smiled in response during his most recent press conference. Their questions were blunt and absurd. Maybe it was the media’s fault that some fans still could not accept the fact that KAT-TUN was now a five-man team, and Akanishi Jin was, in his own right, Akanishi Jin.
“What’s the likelihood of having a project with Kamenashi-san?”
As he sat in the hallway, inwardly cursing Nakamaru for taking so long, he remembered how he struggled to keep smiling when he heard that question. Those people, they did not know anything. Those from the industry probably think it’s a long-running publicity stunt, that AkaKame thing fans have got going. Some even find it funny, like it was a joke.
They did not know that the name “Kamenashi” meant more to Jin than a mere colleague, or a friend who used to be really close. Akanishi never really displayed his affection toward the younger man, for lack of courage to do so, actually. He appreciated Kame, just as Kame overtly loved him. Jin was just not good at expressing it.
“Thanks for waiting,” the candid voice of Nakamaru Yuichi suddenly said to Jin’s left.
The soloist looked up and saw Nakamaru, hair still dripping from after-practice shower, grinning down at him. Behind him, walking in the other direction, was the rest of KAT-TUN, talking among themselves about where to have dinner after the tiring day.
“Don’t you have to go with them?” Jin asked, worried that he had interrupted group bonding or something.
“No, they know we’re planning tracks tonight,” Nakamaru said, motioning for Jin to stand up already.
“And they’re okay with it?”
The soloist stood up, put on his hat, and cast another glance at the four men, now further down the corridor. Kame was walking behind Taguchi, talking to Ueda who was nodding in agreement to whatever Kame was saying.
“Akanishi, what are we, preschoolers?” Nakamaru began, laughing. “Of course they’re okay with us working together.”
Jin continued to look uneasy, so that Nakamaru put his hand on the soloist’s shoulder.
“If you’re worried about Kame,” he said, a sad smile on his lips. “He’s okay with us working together. And… he’s okay in general.”
I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you
Kame tiredly entered his apartment and threw his car keys on the living room table. He set his sports bag down on the carpeted floor and collapsed on his couch with a sigh. Today’s dance practice was particularly exhausting, and it was only the start of the year. Kame thought that work would keep his mind off of things, but it seemed that, recently, his mind found nothing to think about except the things that, in fact, defeated him day by day.
It has long been over, Kamenashi, he always told himself. It’s been six months since the relationship ended, but it still felt like only yesterday when it happened, so that he had to keep reminding himself. His life did not change much when he and Jin got together, so that when they broke up, it was not exactly difficult. Looking back, Kame thought that sex was the only deed that qualified them as lovers. It was the only thing they added to their ambivalent friendship to be able to call it more than that.
Kame’s mobile phone made a muffled ring in his jeans pocket.
“Kamenashi desu,” he said tiredly, taking the call.
“Kame, do you have your water bottle with you?”
“Eh?”
Kame checked the clock on his living room wall. It was 9 in the evening and Nakamaru Yuichi was calling, asking about a water bottle.
“I think our bottles got switched.”
Kame reached into his bag, still not getting off the sofa, and brought out the bottle he hurriedly stowed along with his other things upon finishing dance practice. It was his own.
“No, I have mine here,” Kame replied, slouching back in his seat.
“Oh, really?” Nakamaru laughed. “This must be Ueda’s, then.”
Both men made random comments and reminders for the next few KAT-TUN activities before finally saying good night. As he pressed the “end call” button, Kame sighed. Nakamaru was supposedly out with Akanishi for dinner, and the KAT-TUN leader wondered if they had parted ways yet. Would Nakamaru call him in front of Jin?
After the break up, it felt like everything had to be hidden away. Contact was absolutely unwelcome. While Kame was aware that he had been very straightforward about his feelings, he wanted to be a man of reason. They broke up, and he knew that the rational thing to do was to move on with his life. It was easy. Akanishi did not have possessions left in Kame’s apartment, nor did the younger man bring things when he stayed over at Jin’s place. The few gifts Kame received over the course of their relationship were tucked away in the back of his closet, hidden from view lest they reminded him of what was now over.
Kame was fine, but he did not like being reminded of Akanishi. He had promised himself that the day Jin left KAT-TUN, the day Jin left him, was the last day he would willfully think of the man. Kame gave himself that day to grieve, and sulk, and cry, but after that, he hid everything. As if, with Jin’s departure, Kame’s feelings for him left, too.
One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home
Jin clambered onto the bed in his hotel room, slightly dizzy with the few beers he downed. One thing he liked about Nakamaru was that the guy was always accommodating about others’ whims, so that asking him to go drink with Jin was uncomplicated. He was even kind enough to offer taking Jin to his hotel, as the latter was already tipsy. Jin knew that, for his own sake, he had to manage the simple act of going home by himself, “home” being the hotel room he was currently checked into.
As he was never in one place for very long these days, management decided to check him into a hotel for now. Jin felt like it was a tactic to get him to work in the wee hours of the morning and very late into the night, since adjacent to his room were those of persistent staff members. He didn’t mind, though.
While everyone thought he was just being ambitious with writing a lot of songs within such a short timeframe and being wild with his night-outs bordering on scandalous, the truth was that Jin just wanted to keep himself busy. For the longest time, there was this empty feeling inside him that he did not know what to do with, how to fill.
It had been there even before calling it quits with Kame, so he guessed it was not about the younger man. But then, when they were still together, in the rare moments that Jin admitted that something was wrong, Kame was the one who tried his best to make Jin feel alright. He would cook for him (he was good at making cheer-up meals), get a movie for them to watch, sometimes instinctively please Jin, which usually ended up in sex (and he was good at that, too).
For the longest time, Jin thought as he stared up at the Victorian ceiling of the hotel suite, Kame had been his refuge from the pressure of work and all the demands of the world. Kame was the one person who welcomed him without expecting him to act in a certain way that was predictable of Akanishi Jin. He was really grateful for that, but he knew that he had never mentioned it, let alone make Kame feel that.
Perhaps that’s why he heard no pleas from the younger man for him to stay when Jin said that he was leaving. There was no drama. The news broke out to the press, Jin saw Kame at the end of the day, they talked about what was aired on TV, end of story. Jin didn’t stay over that night, and he didn’t go to Kame’s place again since then. Kame never called, and Jin knew it was only fair. Jin never gave Kame a reason to want to stay in the relationship.
Jin closed his eyes and placed a hand over his forehead. He could feel a headache coming on. That usually happened when he was not sober but not exactly drunk either. Somehow, his body couldn’t handle the uncertainty. He could hear his own heartbeat, gradually falling to its normal rate. He breathed slowly, feeling every inhale and exhale leave his parched mouth. Slowly and unconsciously, he brought his hand down to his lips.
Jin would not be able to count the number of women he kissed if he had to, but Kamenashi was the only man who had ever touched him. Maybe, just maybe, that’s another reason for Jin’s unsettled feelings about the relationship. For so long, it seemed like sex was the focal point of the affair, and he was satisfied with that. Kame never complained, and Jin never bothered to ask.
He did not just take advantage of Kame, of that Jin was certain. He could have sex with a hundred different women and still want to come home to that slender and firm embrace only Kame could give. That was probably the difference, anyway. Sex with Kame was always an adventure. His body seemed fragile under Jin’s touch, but, unlike women, the actor could be strong and forceful just as well.
Jin heaved a sigh. He felt hot, the alcohol finally starting to take effect, and thinking about Kame gave him a hard on. But it was stupid to even consider touching himself with the image of Kamenashi Kazuya, the man he had decidedly left, burning in his memory as he closed his eyes. It was unfair to both of them. Jin sighed again, his breath catching in his throat as he fought back tears.
It was in moments like this when Jin allowed himself to feel the pain. When no one was there to see. When he knew that he was too intoxicated to resist anyway. When his guard was down, his mind was flooded with what ifs and what had beens, with regrets and wishes from the depths of his heart he did not dare wish when he was sober. When he was all alone in his world, he could admit to himself that he was hurting and Kamenashi, the one person who used to make it all better, was not anymore by his side.
Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?
Kame was lying in bed on his stomach. He was tired but wide awake. Seeing Akanishi was really not good for his mental health. He saw the soloist sitting in the corridor by himself, and Kame ended up thinking about him for the rest of the night.
Jin was sitting on the bench in the corridor by himself. He looked nervous, perhaps aware that his presence in the KAT-TUN-occupied studio was uncomfortable for most of the staff. But Jin was always cute when he was unsure of what to do. He didn’t even notice Kame pass by and enter the dance studio as he was busy scrutinizing his fedora. Kame, feeling warm in his bed, closed his eyes and sighed. At that moment in the studio, he wanted to just run to Jin and embrace him. Kame missed the man so much.
But that’s what’s wrong with you, Kame reminded himself. He let himself love Jin too much. He never felt taken advantage of, but he knew that the scales had always been tipped on his side. Maybe there was nothing wrong with that. But then, he showed it too much.
Kame sometimes asked himself if he had, somehow in their restrained interactions, still managed to smother Jin. The older man never complained. He was more of a passive lover, which was totally okay with Kame, as long as he was staying in the relationship of his own free will. If truth be told, Kame thought he could endure whatever Jin did as long as they came home to each other’s arms and preferred the company at the end of the day.
There was this one time, though, when Kame asked Jin to come with him to visit the KAT-TUN leader’s parents, and Jin downright disagreed. Kame was disappointed, but he knew the reaction was normal. He himself did not know how long they would be sharing that kind of unnamed, cold, but exclusive affair, so having Jin meet his parents was undeniably threatening.
Jin loved partying and freedom. Needless to say, he would be the type who disliked commitments, and Kame was not about to try and fit a leash on him. He loved him too much to do that. But sometimes, Kame wondered how he could have done things differently, and if he did, would it have made Jin stay?
Kame pressed his eyes shut and angrily punched his pillow, partly out of frustration, but mostly out of annoyance with himself. There was no need to think of such things now. Jin chose to let him go. He had deemed he didn’t need the younger man, so it was only right and fair for Kame to let him go already, too.
What would you do if I could have you?
Oh if I could
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?
Akanishi Jin sat in bed, eyes still half closed and his brain barely awake. His hair was characteristically disheveled and his night clothes, a white shirt and plain pajama bottoms, were ruffled in places. It was 4 in the morning and he woke up feeling cold and remembering none other than Kamenashi. Alcohol had such an effect on him sometimes, and Jin did not know whether it was better or worse than the regular hangover.
Jin sat still, his back against the headboard and his legs sprawled. He listened to his own breathing, as if searching for answers from his own sounds. His eyes stared at the wall opposite the bed but didn’t really see. He was seeing Kame. Somehow, when he woke up, he was reminded of how it used to be between him and the younger man.
Jin knew that for the most part, it was sex that kept them together. At least, on his part it was. There were days when he’d be uninterested in Kame, but he would want to have him in bed and enjoy all the wonders the KAT-TUN leader could do. That was not to say that Jin did not take joy in gratifying Kame. That’s how Jin knew that he was in it for something else other than the sex. The acts he would never perform for anyone, he willingly did for Kame. He liked it when Kame was satisfied. He liked it that he was the reason for Kame’s pleasure, sexual or not.
The soloist sometimes imagined what he would want to do with Kame if they got back together. His thoughts, he noticed, strayed to not necessarily sexual acts. He realized that he would be happy with simple things. If given the chance, he would let Kame feel loved differently. (Sometimes kidding himself that he would finally let Kame feel loved.) He would work toward demonstrating this thing he kept repeating to himself over and over again: that he loved Kame.
He wanted to do simple things to show he cared. Perhaps try cooking for him (Funny how in such type of relationship, it didn’t matter which one cooked for the other, Jin thought), go shopping with him (heavily disguised, of course), and even just prepare a dinner date at home. Jin knew that if he could do those little things, he would be happy and feel good about himself as well.
Despite knowing his heart’s wishes, Jin thought as he finally felt sober for the day ahead, he knew that it was not that easy. He chose his own path, and he had to stick with it. He broke Kame’s heart for his own dreams, and getting back with him at this point would seem like a cruel joke that would probably break Kame even more. Getting back with Kame was a thought Jin constantly carried with him. He was not hoping for it, but he just thought it was a beautifully sad thing to be inspired with.
Jin checked the digital clock at the hotel suite’s bedside table. He had spent an hour staring at the wall, and the sun was beginning to rise, the first rays softly seeping through the window’s curtains. It was time for work again, and so it was time to push back into the depths of his soul whatever thoughts about Kame he had let out.
One of these days
Kamenashi entered the Johnny’s Entertainment building, smiling to himself about his plans for the day ahead. There was so much to do, what with various guestings with KAT-TUN and on his own, shooting for Going! Sports and News, and there, too, was Ks by Ks. But he was happy to be busy. Plus, he would be turning 25 in a few weeks. He was excited about the projects and programs he was going to have to do for his birthday.
Coming up to the floor where KAT-TUN held their dance practice, he went down the familiar hallway. As he neared the dance studio, he saw Akanishi pacing the corridor, looking nervous. The soloist’s hands were in his jeans’ pockets and he was biting his lip. Kame’s initial reaction was to slow down, as his heart began to race. There was, however, no other way to turn, and Jin already saw him. In fact, they made eye contact.
Kame wasn’t sure that he wanted to leave anyway. He missed this guy. A simple “Hi!” would do for the both of them.
I won't be afraid of staying with you
Jin stood in the hallway, walking to and fro in front of the dance studio where KAT-TUN practiced. He was nervous, but he had agreed to meet Nakamaru here. The both of them knew that bumping into Kamenashi was inevitable, but Nakamaru implicitly understood, or maybe just assumed, that Akanishi, in fact, wanted to see the KAT-TUN leader.
Jin made a few turns before hearing footsteps over his own and, upon turning around, he saw Kame coming down the hallway, bag in hand and a smile on his face. Jin unthinkingly stopped pacing and, instead, stared at Kame. There was a bounce in his step. Jin wondered what it was about, if Kame was happy about something, and if, perhaps, Jin’s presence would spoil his mood.
Finally, Kame spotted him, and there was an obvious decrease in his speed. Had manners been nonexistent, Jin thought the younger musician would probably have run in the other direction by now, away from the man who hurt him.
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home
Kame came to a halt in front of Jin, right next to the door. He carefully watched, unsure if the older man was prepared to see him at all. Jin, on the other hand, basically stared, his jaw hanging open in uncertainty. Kame watched and was somewhat amused as Jin opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fish. Kame guessed the soloist was just as nervous as he was.
This was the first time they were seeing each other since that night in July of 2010.
Finally, Kame smiled and said, “Hisashiburi ne.”
The smile, Jin thought, was so genuine and angelic that he didn’t deserve it for the things he’d done. Maybe he did not deserve Kame to begin with. Chances are, if they get back together at all, Jin would just do some stupid mistake to hurt the younger man again. Maybe the idea of getting back together was Jin being selfish as usual. Kame looked happy and content without him.
Kame stared, waiting for a reply, but saw that Jin was getting teary-eyed, and it confused the leader. Why was Jin crying? In all the years that they were together, both as bandmates and lovers, Jin never cried in front of Kame. Akanishi had never let Kame see him weak.
The tears disappeared as quickly as they formed in the soloist’s eyes. Kame had to hold back a sigh as he unspokenly told himself that, indeed, nothing has changed. Akanishi Jin was still Akanishi Jin. Strong, reserved, and cold.
Jin saw Kame’s smile flicker for a split second, but it came right back on. He was thankful for that smile. It made him feel forgiven, even if he knew he wasn’t. Even if he had not forgiven himself just yet.
“Hisashiburi,” Jin replied, finally smiling, too.
Kame was a bit surprised, but thought that, hey, they’ve known each other for a decade or so, and they’ve been together romantically for a couple of years, too. A smile wouldn’t do harm. It didn’t promise the hurt of the breakup to disappear, of course. In fact, it somehow brought back the pain and regret. It was ridiculous to hope for a resumption of what had been put on hold for the past couple of months, because it was not put on hold, but brusquely ended. But the smile promised friendship. A good fresh start.
Kame nodded as further acknowledgement of the company.
Jin smiled liked he hadn’t done in years. He realized that he didn’t smile like that a lot, like those facial muscles were reserved for certain people such as family, his closest friends, and, he realized, Kamenashi. Kame was important to him even if he never showed it.
He still did not know how he would show it. He knew, in his heart, he was still frightened of so many things that entailed a formal relationship. And now, the possibility of just hurting Kame again added to his fears. While he was having such realizations, the circumstances are still the same. He would still have to fly in and out of the country and tend to so many things. He had to organize his own life before he could try and actually learn how to properly love Kame.
But this was Kamenashi he was talking about. He was the most special person to Jin, and perhaps, Jin hoped, one of these days, things would take a turn for the better for both of them.
One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
~end~
oOo
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