Maybe We're Falling (Chapter 5)
Title: Maybe We’re Falling (5/7)
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Beta: carboncastel
Disclaimer: Please just let them own each other already. I don’t.
Summary: After 2 years of making the US his career base, Akanishi Jin is coming back to Tokyo and is rejoining KAT-TUN. Time has passed. Some things have changed, some have not. Maybe we’re fallin’ in the crazy love.
A/N: A multi-chapter song fic based on KAT-TUN’s Crazy Love. Time setting of the fic is 2013, so that’s 3 years after Jin officially left KAT-TUN.
A/N 2: WARNING. Heartbreak ahead.
oOo
人混みに間切れ歩いてた
冷たい道で迷ってた
同じ目をしていた君と
何も無かったけれど
その心のカケラを
二人で持ちように温めた
それだけで
I walked blindly, jostled by a wave of people
I got lost in a cold street
Everything we shared
Has now vanished but
The fragments of my broken heart
Are warmed up by memories of the two of us
That is all it takes
Everyone in KAT-TUN gave his best in practice for the upcoming tour. Even the staff seemed hell-bent at showing people that “the bad boys of J-pop” were back. Somewhat broken, but not really, and they were alive. It was the 2013 tour, and Jin felt good to be back.
Jin felt good to be back despite the monstrous workload because it made him feel that he really belonged again. Besides, he liked getting tired. The exhaustion, the moments of breathless fatigue prevented him from feeling the haunting sorrow.
It was the last night of practice, the night before the first show of the concert series. Everyone was especially sentimental that night, since this tour, and this first show, marked great changes in KAT-TUN. It indicated moving on, although some were still reluctant to accept it. Jin, admittedly, was one of them.
Even with the emotional messages cleverly and suitably disguised as pep talk given out that day after practice, it still surprised Jin when Koki approached him as they were packing their bags, the final rehearsal having ended.
“I’m sorry to be doing this now, and only now,” the rapper said, standing in front of Akanishi and taking a deep breath before he spoke.
“What do you mean?” Jin asked, mildly puzzled.
“Well, tomorrow’s the first day of the tour,” Koki elaborated, hands in his pocket and his gaze anywhere but at his bandmate. “I don’t mean to mess your emotions right before we begin and hit the road, but I just can’t let another day pass without you knowing this.
“Okay…?” Jin encouraged, his brows scrunched up in confusion.
For a fleeting moment, it sounded so much to him like Koki was going to confess his undying love and Jin made an effort not to laugh at his own thoughts. He set down his water bottle and gave the rapper his full attention.
“Also, sorry for telling you this only now, because it’s been months but…” Koki hesitated, but continued anyway. “I never really got to clarify with Kame if he wanted you to know this or not.”
Jin’s heartbeat suddenly raced, but he told himself that there was no point in being nervous or scared. Months had indeed already passed, but Jin’s emotions still confused him, and sometimes it did more than that, messing him up more than necessary, when it was about Kamenashi.
“I just can’t let you - let me, and everyone else sing that song without you knowing that Kame - Crazy Love was the last song he submitted for KAT-TUN’s recording before he…”
Koki’s voice trailed off, and tears formed in the rappers eyes. Jin could feel his own eyes sting as he tried to hold back his emotion. Even Koki still couldn’t bear to say it outright. It had already been five months, but none of them could really face the reality that Kame was gone. But that was the truth. Kame was gone, and Jin, more than anyone, was hurting so much.
“But he wrote that song three years ago already,” Koki spoke again after an uncomfortable silence, his voice determinedly steady. “When you left KAT-TUN.”
Jin’s tears welled up, but he forced on a smile as Koki made his point.
“He wrote it for you, Akanishi.”
oOo
“It’s true that you’re leaving,” Kame said quietly, not even looking in Jin’s direction. It wasn’t a question.
They were seated on a bench outside the dance studio where they rehearsed for D-motion. Lunch break was almost over, and the two of them got back early from eating out. They didn’t have lunch together, of course.
“Un,” Jin responded, glancing at Kame to check for any hints of what emotion the younger man had.
“Take care, then.”
Kame made a little bow.
“Don’t you… want to stop me?” Jin asked. He was unsure why he did. He just felt the need to voice that out.
Kame chuckled, his eyes surveying Jin kindly.
“Are you asking me to stop you?” Kame said, crossing his legs coolly and turning to face Jin. “Or are you insulting me?”
“What? No!” Jin exclaimed. “I’m just - because you said - ”
Kame remained smiling, but he sighed.
“It’s been two years since Queen of Pirates tour, Jin,” he spoke gently. Jin liked it that Kame still called him “Jin” sometimes, although it was rather rare now. “If there’s anything I learned over those two years, it’s to stop hoping.”
Jin stared at the floor. Why did he even ask if Kame wanted to stop him? The turtle was right. It sounded like an insult, more than anything.
oOo
Jin sat in his car, crying.
Everyone else had gone home. Koki asked, before they parted ways, if Jin was alright, and Jin managed a smile, albeit a bitter one. The rapper even gave him a hug, which was totally unexpected, considering that Koki was known to be the one to have taken it rather badly when Jin left KAT-TUN.
Jin cried silently, his car sitting still in the Jimusho parking lot. He was sorely tempted to go to a club and get drunk until he can’t remember his own name anymore. He wanted, so very much, to forget. But then, he encouraged himself to remain sober, since tomorrow was the start of the tour.
It made no difference anyway. He could get drunk tonight and perhaps forget a little, but long after the effects of alcohol wear off, Jin knew the pain will still be there, still fresh, as if Kame passed away just yesterday.
The pain had engraved itself into Jin’s heart when he received news of Kame’s death five months ago, and never, in every waking moment and even in his slumber, did he forget. Finding out about the song’s purpose did not remind him of the sorrow, only increased it.
The song was born of Kame’s thoughts. Kame’s thoughts about Jin, when he felt that the older man abandoned and betrayed him. Kame wrote the song three years ago, but it pained Jin to think that Kame died without getting to tell Jin in person all that was in that song, and without hearing what Jin had to say in return.
This crazy love that will never happen again… Jin recalled the lyrics.
“Kamenashi, you fucking idiot!” Jin hissed through his sobs, slamming his fist on the steering wheel, tears flowing freely on his cheeks. “You just had to go and write that stupid song!”
Jin paused, his breathing labored.
“You said you stopped hoping already. You said you were kidding when you told me not to go. What the fuck is this song!”
Jin closed his eyes and let his head rest on his hands, still gripping the steering wheel, and he smiled bitterly to himself amid tears clouding his eyes.
What the fuck are you talking about, Jin? You were the one who left him. If he hadn’t died, you wouldn’t even have finally admitted to yourself that you had feelings for him. You wouldn’t have realized that you loved him back.
/To be continued/
oOo
PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. I had been heartbroken from the moment this fic was conceived. Of course we know that Kamenashi is alive and well, so really. Don’t kill me. Actually, some readers already kinda guessed it as early as Chapter 3, I think? And I’m relieved they didn’t blurt it out like, yeah. Apologies to those who actually prayed that it was not about Kame dying, because, well, as I’ve said, the outline had been done right from the start.
I hope, despite the heartbreak that is this chapter, that you do stick around for the last two chapters because if you came here for angst, this chapter is just the, um, portal to a whole new level of angst. And we’re almost done! So, yeah. Thanks for reading and rants go in the comments section. >:)
Chapter 6
Chapter 4
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