I Holidailied

[superplin]

Lessons

Yes, I seem to be on a kick of using Buffy episode titles and quotes to title my journal entries. Not sure where that came from, or whether it'll last, but why not, right?

Comments

[ann1962]

Joy to read. Thanks!

[superplin]

It was surprisingly (or maybe not) scarier to write than some of the more overtly personal stuff I've posted.

[mamculuna]

In my world, you're more than welcome to bitch about teaching and any aspect of it! We go out to eat and drink and whine about it, we gather at the mailbox and roll our eyes, we complain! And we're actually people whose main job is teaching and went into it for that (at community college--yes, some people see it as what they did when they couldn't get a real job, but lots of us chose it). But we definitely permit any kind of disrespect for the job, the students, and anything else.

[superplin]

There are so many great things about the job, but most of them get eaten up by the not-so-great things. I actually had a really great teaching semester: good groups of engaged students, most with a really positive attitude, who were willing to take an active role in their learning. Minimal complaining and grade-grubbing.

But the sheer volume of work that goes into prep and grading and the energy of being "on" for teaching is so immense that it tends to overshadow the stuff I'd rather be--and technically, am supposed to be--spending most of my time and energy on.

In conclusion, academia is a land of contrasts, mixed messages, and general mindfuckery.

[mamculuna]

I totally understand that. I think of all that I could have been writing all those years, and teaching just drained the life out of everything else.

[superplin]

I started this semester feeling amazing. I'd earned tenure, I had a bunch of projects I was genuinely excited about, no new preps, a renewed sense of purpose... I was happier than I'd been in years.

A few weeks later, I could barely get out of bed. Worst depressive episode since undergrad. My psychiatrist has upped my meds twice. My immune system has gone off the rails. She asked me, "What changed in the meantime? What do you think triggered the rapid downward spiral? Why did you suddenly go from feeling empowered to feeling powerless and hopeless?"

At first I said that nothing had changed. I did get physically ill at the end of September, so maybe that just sapped my energy and took away my mojo. But I've gotten sick during the semester before (most semesters, actually, although not usually so early), and it hasn't had this effect. Then I realized: as soon as the grading started piling up, my entire world went grey, and I felt like I was trapped in the same old cycle again.
Sigh.