Back from China in time for America's Birthday!
...where the meat and vegetables both taste like the salty peanut oil they're soaked in, and the only thing redder than that whole fucking country is your thick blood as it flows from wrist to dirt floor once you've accepted that's the only way you will ever escape.
Well, it sure is great to be back in the States! The History Channel reported this afternoon that 600 hot dogs are consumed every second in this fine country. Wowie Zowie! A lot of people have been asking me, "What's China Like?" and, "Is it different than America?" Well, my fellow patriots, I have come back with answers. We went all over China, and, I am very surprised to report that China is indeed VERY different from America. Here are some examples:
PEOPLE: Did you know that people in China speak incoherently? They try to speak English, but there aren't any schools in China to teach it to them. That's a shame. The no school thing is also the main reason why most people in China live in houses made out of mud, because they don't ever read "The Three Little Pigs."
HOTELS: Hotels in China are different because the help doesn't steal, because if they did their hands would be chopped off.
MCDONALDS: Did you know that in China, if you order a "Big Mac" you will get four all-beef patties instead of two all-beef patties. What a deal!
JOKES: People in China don't get my jokes. I think it is because they are depressed about being poor, which is understandable, but, really, if they don't want to be poor they could come to America where we have schools.