a letter to my parents
Josh reminded me of this email I sent to my parents last year during finals week. I found it in my "sent email" folder and laughed.
HOLA!
I'M COMING HOME SATURDAY! HOOORAH!
DAD/MOM, Please let it be known:
1) I am a vegetarian, pretty much, so, I don't eat meat anymore
2) MUH HARE IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! LIKE A BIG PIECE UF POO!
3) I SMOKE CRACK AND SNORT COCAINE, REGULARLY, PLEASE PROCURE THESE DRUGS FOR
ME, YOU CAN USUALLY GET THEM FROM MY FRIEND MATT KIRBY, HE SNORTS COCAINE ALL
THE TIME, AND SMOKES CRACK AT LEAST 456 TIMES A DAY, HE ALSO KILLS PUPPIES,
BUT THATS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE
4) I HAVE A FRIEND NAMED SNAKE, HE IS A SNAKE, A REAL LIVE SNAKE, YA KNOW, THE
KIND WITH FANGS AND SNAKE SKIN, HE IS DANGEROUS, BUT FRIENDLY
5) GIVE IT UP TO ME
6) I GOT A NEW T-SHIRT, I MIGHT WEAR IT, BE ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR MY RETURN HOME, I DESIRE:
1 Ticker-tape parade complete with a monkey band and elephant trumpeteers
2 Heads of lettuce
67 Sacrificial goats (upon Charles' request)
89098098098098098023498123095712039571029380129347123059170235 pounds of
everything in the world
YAY FOR BEN COMING HOME TO MUMSY & DUDDY!
p.s. please inform rebecca and lizzie that they are not your favorites, and
that I am, because we all know its true, duh!
r.t. my plane will be late, dont ask me how i know, well, you can ask me
later, or you can ask me right now, ok, ill give it up, i have connections to
certain radical organizations, dont worry, no one will be hurt, except muh
friend the snake, he'll try and save the day, but after all, hes just a
snake, and he cant go up against five guys with ak's
PPPPSSPSPSPSS: I have decided to drop out of school. Accordingly, I took out a
$30,000 loan in your name, hoping to make it BIG in Vegas, but after gambling
for only 3 minutes, I lost all the money after going all in on a pair of 3's
at a big money table in the back of the MGM GRAND. After desperately begging
for my money back from a mobster called, Timmy, "The Ben Killer" Smith, he,
along with his goooooonez, opened fire on me and Snake. Snake saved the day
with his magic and now we own Las Vegas. So you guys should come visit some
time.
see ya kids in a few days,
love,
ben
HOLA!
I'M COMING HOME SATURDAY! HOOORAH!
DAD/MOM, Please let it be known:
1) I am a vegetarian, pretty much, so, I don't eat meat anymore
2) MUH HARE IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! LIKE A BIG PIECE UF POO!
3) I SMOKE CRACK AND SNORT COCAINE, REGULARLY, PLEASE PROCURE THESE DRUGS FOR
ME, YOU CAN USUALLY GET THEM FROM MY FRIEND MATT KIRBY, HE SNORTS COCAINE ALL
THE TIME, AND SMOKES CRACK AT LEAST 456 TIMES A DAY, HE ALSO KILLS PUPPIES,
BUT THATS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE
4) I HAVE A FRIEND NAMED SNAKE, HE IS A SNAKE, A REAL LIVE SNAKE, YA KNOW, THE
KIND WITH FANGS AND SNAKE SKIN, HE IS DANGEROUS, BUT FRIENDLY
5) GIVE IT UP TO ME
6) I GOT A NEW T-SHIRT, I MIGHT WEAR IT, BE ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR MY RETURN HOME, I DESIRE:
1 Ticker-tape parade complete with a monkey band and elephant trumpeteers
2 Heads of lettuce
67 Sacrificial goats (upon Charles' request)
89098098098098098023498123095712039571029380129347123059170235 pounds of
everything in the world
YAY FOR BEN COMING HOME TO MUMSY & DUDDY!
p.s. please inform rebecca and lizzie that they are not your favorites, and
that I am, because we all know its true, duh!
r.t. my plane will be late, dont ask me how i know, well, you can ask me
later, or you can ask me right now, ok, ill give it up, i have connections to
certain radical organizations, dont worry, no one will be hurt, except muh
friend the snake, he'll try and save the day, but after all, hes just a
snake, and he cant go up against five guys with ak's
PPPPSSPSPSPSS: I have decided to drop out of school. Accordingly, I took out a
$30,000 loan in your name, hoping to make it BIG in Vegas, but after gambling
for only 3 minutes, I lost all the money after going all in on a pair of 3's
at a big money table in the back of the MGM GRAND. After desperately begging
for my money back from a mobster called, Timmy, "The Ben Killer" Smith, he,
along with his goooooonez, opened fire on me and Snake. Snake saved the day
with his magic and now we own Las Vegas. So you guys should come visit some
time.
see ya kids in a few days,
love,
ben