Just Jump
I've sort of felt out of it for a long time, I'm never really sure what is real and what is just made up. Nothing ever really makes a lot of since to me for a long time.
I'm really happy with some things in my life: I like my job (almost a year with KCLS!!); I totally love my girl Olyvia (#1); my family, especially Shane, I've been feeling a lot closer too recently (My bro is my my bro, but I also see him as my friend); I feel good about a lot of people I know, Griever and me and getting to be better friends all the time, Alec and Joe work a lot so I don't get to see them that much but I'll definetly miss then come September, Kayla and Kunz are good friends and a lot of people I mainly know through them brighten my day.
On the other hand, lets say the right hand for instance, there some things I'm not as satisfied with. First is my money situation. I am in debt about 300 dollars from my credit card and that sucks. I need to pay if off pronto and then I want to cancel it and never have to deal with money again. Im going to start to budget way more, not waste money on food or drugs, save way more. Its a shame my next pay check is gunna be about 420 dollars, damn signs pointing at me saying BE A STONER DUDE!! No but, I need to get 500 bucks together by September to pay for my car insurance and 100 dollars a month to pay off my car I got. Not worth the money I save on gas, thats for sure. Once I pay off the CC I will definetly be able to save way more money though, like 100 bucks of each paycheck or something would be a good idea. But then then I would en dup using half that for my car and 1000 a year for car insurance, leaving me with 200 dollars saved at the end of the year.
Perhaps the solutation is only to spend money on gas and save the rest. But then, my life would be incredibly boring and I would do next to nothing exciting. Cutting back on the stuff that you buy and then it disapears (food, drinks, drugs) is probally my best bet.
Something I'm changing for a while, to try it out, is this whole not smoking any chronic for a while deal. I'm by no means the biggest stoner out there or the biggest user of any drugs really, but I've been around ya know, I've seen what goes on. I love catching a high though, it makes everything seem so much better. But I havn't had a good smoking session since last Saturday, 4 days ago. Some people may say "Well thats not particularly long at all". But I would say that ever since I've been into the fire (probally around a year and half ago), 4 days is like as long as I've ever gone without it with that stuff. I figure I'll buy a fatty sack for my birthday and celebrate in style with a great gift - getting truly stoned off my ass.
After that, we'll see. It will depend on how I feel about the next 2 weeks when I've done then. Maybe I'll take a longer break, maybe I'll say to myself "just smoke every other day" but I know once I do that it will shortly turn into getting stoned everyday again and I don't know how I feel about that really. Well, all will be revealed before too long. I'll probally make the chronic something I do after school on days I dont work by the time September rolls around.
Something else I've been thinking about it's that I've found myself becoming more and more wanting to hang out with people less. I'm just really turning more inward and spending more time alone now, to a degree I havnt been sense Elementary School. Not to say I don't like haning out with people, I do, I just don't feel like I have to always be with others like I did largely from 8th to 12th grade. It's kind of liberating, having a closer relationship with myself.
Go in peace, True Believer!!!
Ok I'm going to bed now, too tired to think.