LJ Idol Week 15: Nimbus

[supremegoddess1]

I am a Scapegoat yearning to be an eScapegoat,
for whatever the fuck that means.

I am nebulous in my solidity,
Translucent in my opacity.
(If you have to ask if both are possible,
you don't know me...at all.)I aspire to the Queen of Wands

Comments

[basric]

I am not much of a poetry person but I enjoyed this, beautifully written.

[supremegoddess1]

Thank you

[the_vernacular]

Oh I really liked the sentiment here, and the metaphor of the anchor. I know the feeling, of always having to be the strong one and having people assume it means I never break.

[supremegoddess1]

This, exactly.

[the_vernacular]

It drives me nuts! Totally sympathize.

[myrna_bird]

I think the beauty in poetry is a lot like it is with Art. There is meaning in how it is done as well as what is being portrayed. It can mean different things to different people. This piece made me feel like there is room for doubt and growth to reside together. There is a sense of overlooking faults, like I'm okay, You're okay. I like it.

[supremegoddess1]

Thank you! I worked on it quite a bit.

[ecosopher]

Still Atlas gets tired, too,
and he has long forgotten how to Shrug -
Who carries Atlas,
when he is worn out and shaking?

Thought this was a great stanza.

[supremegoddess1]

Thank you!

[similiesslip]

I really liked this part a lot:

and Anchor-shaped girls
become Anchor-shaped women
become Anchors.

No one ever asks the Anchor
if it needs to be Held.

And Form follows Function,
so anchor becomes Anchor becomes ANCHOR,
and it no longer remembers
what it is to be Free.

To be ungrounded, floating.

(me again)

And...I'm not exactly anchor shaped, I am more portional but I do..I want to ...hard to explain.

I do feel people feel "She's big and tall she doesn't need to be loved or hugged etc" but...you can be tall and feel little and afraid.

And ...I really want to be healthier. (and if I am honest, healthy and skinny.)

[supremegoddess1]

I weigh 80 pounds less than I used to. My clothes don't fit. But I don't see that - I just see the fat girl in the mirror. I pick up a pair of pants and say "these will never fit" and then they're 3 sizes too big. The fat girl's still there, even when other people can't see her any more.

The shape part is more metaphorical though - we get pegged as being anchors/rocks early and force ourselves to fit the mold because that's what people expect of us. So we come to embody the anchor so firmly that we forget how to be anything else.

[similiesslip]

Don't you love the new clothes choices though? It seems that the clothes I want to wear are for "skinny people." I need to lose about 60-70 lbs to get back to where I was before I had my kids.

It's true that I am..expected to be strong. All the time. And, yes, sometimes I just want to..be allowed to not be? Or just that there wasn't such an expectation, that I could be seen as a person who might react any way so I am watched carefully instead of vaguely ignored because "we know what she will do."

I'm not sure I am making sense but thanks for explaining what you meant.

And congrats on the ability to wear new clothes. I'm happy for you!:)

[supremegoddess1]

I refuse to buy more clothes until I'm a bit closer to my goal weight, because I am broke lol. I have a "benchmark" dress that fit me when I was 17 - when I can fit in that again I will go shopping. I think it's an 8? Getting there, getting there...

I'm also expected to be strong...all the time...people are amazed when they actually see the cracks in my armor (see last week's post). Weird position to be in, and often frustrating. I'm human, too, dammit!