reality
Sometimes you realize deep down you are not a good person.
You can realize that and try not to be that person. You can start being that person and wake up mid person. Once you do that though, you have to own it. If you don't you continue to be that person. Owning it is worse than stopping and just moving ahead. Owning it means outing yourself.
This is as far as I have gotten. I am not sure if I out myself for me or for some other manipulative gain. I don't think so. I crash and burn and scorch everything around me. I am not sure if I am self-Sabatoging or martyring myself. Am I seeking honor? I dunno. I know I am punishing myself. I deny myself happiness. I don't end up with what I want. I know I am deserving. I think this is why I just don't seek things out anymore. This time I fell in it. Like a bucket. Stepped right in. I don't think I know how to people properly. I can be a nurse. I know how to be a parent and am ok I guess. I don't know how to interact with people on a close emotional level. I can be there for someone but not be in it. I can give someone everything and not expect anything.
I'm broke. I think maybe, I have come to terms with it and accepted it. I can just shut it off and go back to being a something. Not being in my head. Sometimes, I just feel really alone; and well it's lonely. I am not sure any of it is worth it.
I am gonna get back to getting up each day and being a nurse, a mom a provider, and going to bed and doing it all over again.
I can't person.
Not seeking sympathy. Just processing.