five days
It has been five days since I spoke to my friend, strange, is that what I call him?
So it has been five days. I am still counting the days so I guess I am not over it. I did have to look at a calendar though, FWIW. I called two forever friends in past five days, to cope. Coming to the realization now, that it was not ALL me.
Hard to own your crazy, which was all you ever knew, when your crazy is gone really and you just got triggered. It's hard to accept you aren't crazy anymore and a pretty fabulously functional person when old coping skills jump to the front of the line. It is difficult for me to hold others accountable when my default is "this is all my fault." Even when out of my mouth constantly comes blame for others. It is hard to see the others accountability through the fogginess of my own perspective. I still have dysfunctional personal views. I just know they are not true. I know now, it really wasn't all me. I did the right things. I was transparent with him, myself, my spouse and ultimately his spouse. I followed his direction to go forth and make friends with his spouse. Which is a friendship I will regret not having.
I should not be overly ok with being placed on a shelf for later. However, in truth, (or my tilted personal view, I don't really know) I was not. That is ok. However, when you are not the primary, you need to learn to fully accept the primary relationship. Not just in word, but in belief, action and process (thought.) I need to work on this. From a distance I get it. Up close is too close for seeing well. Being told to wait and be patient is ok. It is not being put on a shelf. It is taking time. Impulsivity is my issue, regardless of the motivating factors.
Alas, I will probably never need these skills I am working on. What went down was a freak asteroid of an event. I am not seeking a relationship. It is good to know I can grow though.
I am a good person. I did the right things. If the people involved knew me, they would not have perceived my actions as anything but what they actually were; kind and caring. I need to be ok with whatever they think of me. It should not matter. I guess I have identified the next level of learning and acceptance I need to work on.