Venting to help me sleep
I shouldn't have taken that nap earlier. Now I can't get to bed, and I have to be up in six make that five hours.
Oh well, I can't sleep anyway with all these thoughts in my head. This year has just been so horrible. I can't wait till it's over. I am so sick of these up-and-down moods.
It's so draining being both pissed off and devastated, and the other aspects of my life, especially work are suffering from it. He is, for all intents and purposes, dead to me. That's what it feels like more than anything, more than a break-up. I'm mourning the loss of my best friend and lover, whom I spent a large amount of time devoted to and with whom I had many great times. All that's left is the lying, hopeless, drug-using bodysnatcher that killed him.
I'm muddled between all these layers of feelings. I love him and want more than anything to be with him. Hell, had he been honest with me, I might have been angry with him, but I would've probably gotten over it and accepted that he does the occasional pot, provided that he didn't abuse it or do anything more serious.
But he lied to me. He broke my trust when he knew that it's hard for me to trust anyone. Supposedly, he didn't think it was a big deal to tell me. But after three years and plenty of conversations, he should have known that drugs are a big issue for me, and that there is no excuse for him lying to me, especially when I repeatedly asked him about it. But the worst part is, that when I was hurting most because of his actions, he seemed to feel no remorse. It was almost like he had to force himself to care.
Then there's the part of me that hopelessly loves the bastard so damn much that I'd consider trying to move on from this and work it out, cause I'm that sadistically stupid. But even if I wanted to, I don't think he loves me anymore. I asked him the day I left, and he said he wasn't sure. I think he's more in love with being high than anything.
I want to hold onto the unforgiving anger to get over this, but it's so hard to hate someone when you've been through so much with them. Seen everything they've seen, felt everything they've felt. He's been such a large part of me, and his presence still lingers, even though I want it gone.
I've done what I can to drive him out of my life. I deleted him from buddy lists, deleted old pictures txts. the only things I kept were the songs he sent me throughout the years that reminded him of me (gets me so fucking depressed, lol), and a piece of his writing because I loved reading what he wrote, especially when it was about me (it was one of the ways he made me feel special). And then of course, The Time Traveler's Wife, which surprisingly doesn't hurt so much when I read it, even though I've only read like 100 pages into it.
Still, no matter what I try, I can't forget about him. He's even haunting my dreams. I had the worst nightmare the other day that he got back together with his ex.
Okay, okay. That's enough venting about him. I just needed to get it all out. I think with a lot of time and effort, I'll get over him.
But then there's the other side of it all. Whenever I'm around people or keeping myself busy by reading a book or something, I'm okay. Especially around John from work. I know the kind of guy he is, but I find myself so attracted to him, and he makes me feel good in such a way that I haven't felt for months, if not longer. For the short moments that we hang out, he somehow makes me forget about all my worries and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. I hate it, cause it'd never work out. He's a big flirt, and has like two boyfriends already, and I don't want to get into anything like that. Plus, just getting out of a bad relationship, I feel fragile, and I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position or depend on him to get over my ex. But I'll stay friends with him, and whatever happens happens.
*yawns* Okay, I think I can finally sleep now. Bleh. So not looking forward to work.
Oh well, I can't sleep anyway with all these thoughts in my head. This year has just been so horrible. I can't wait till it's over. I am so sick of these up-and-down moods.
It's so draining being both pissed off and devastated, and the other aspects of my life, especially work are suffering from it. He is, for all intents and purposes, dead to me. That's what it feels like more than anything, more than a break-up. I'm mourning the loss of my best friend and lover, whom I spent a large amount of time devoted to and with whom I had many great times. All that's left is the lying, hopeless, drug-using bodysnatcher that killed him.
I'm muddled between all these layers of feelings. I love him and want more than anything to be with him. Hell, had he been honest with me, I might have been angry with him, but I would've probably gotten over it and accepted that he does the occasional pot, provided that he didn't abuse it or do anything more serious.
But he lied to me. He broke my trust when he knew that it's hard for me to trust anyone. Supposedly, he didn't think it was a big deal to tell me. But after three years and plenty of conversations, he should have known that drugs are a big issue for me, and that there is no excuse for him lying to me, especially when I repeatedly asked him about it. But the worst part is, that when I was hurting most because of his actions, he seemed to feel no remorse. It was almost like he had to force himself to care.
Then there's the part of me that hopelessly loves the bastard so damn much that I'd consider trying to move on from this and work it out, cause I'm that sadistically stupid. But even if I wanted to, I don't think he loves me anymore. I asked him the day I left, and he said he wasn't sure. I think he's more in love with being high than anything.
I want to hold onto the unforgiving anger to get over this, but it's so hard to hate someone when you've been through so much with them. Seen everything they've seen, felt everything they've felt. He's been such a large part of me, and his presence still lingers, even though I want it gone.
I've done what I can to drive him out of my life. I deleted him from buddy lists, deleted old pictures txts. the only things I kept were the songs he sent me throughout the years that reminded him of me (gets me so fucking depressed, lol), and a piece of his writing because I loved reading what he wrote, especially when it was about me (it was one of the ways he made me feel special). And then of course, The Time Traveler's Wife, which surprisingly doesn't hurt so much when I read it, even though I've only read like 100 pages into it.
Still, no matter what I try, I can't forget about him. He's even haunting my dreams. I had the worst nightmare the other day that he got back together with his ex.
Okay, okay. That's enough venting about him. I just needed to get it all out. I think with a lot of time and effort, I'll get over him.
But then there's the other side of it all. Whenever I'm around people or keeping myself busy by reading a book or something, I'm okay. Especially around John from work. I know the kind of guy he is, but I find myself so attracted to him, and he makes me feel good in such a way that I haven't felt for months, if not longer. For the short moments that we hang out, he somehow makes me forget about all my worries and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. I hate it, cause it'd never work out. He's a big flirt, and has like two boyfriends already, and I don't want to get into anything like that. Plus, just getting out of a bad relationship, I feel fragile, and I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position or depend on him to get over my ex. But I'll stay friends with him, and whatever happens happens.
*yawns* Okay, I think I can finally sleep now. Bleh. So not looking forward to work.