4o. | future unknown: it's a problem, i'm dealing
4o.
it's a problem, i'm dealing
if you're gone maybe it's time to come home
cook/archuleta (2243 words)
Another installment in the Future Unknown series! I wasn't planning in writing this tonight, haha, and therefore there are probably typos out the wazoo, but I think we could all use a pick-me-up, right? And hopefully this helps. :) As always, this is for Natalie. ♥
PREVIOUSLY:
David eventually stops clutching at the shower curtains, uncurls his fingers from around the plastic material and stares at his hands. His fingers are going pruney, but he slumps down in the tub and draws his knees up, thinking hard.
He can still see Cook's face, the shock and astonishment in his eyes when the door had given; the way his eyes had coasted down over David's exposed skin, which hadn't been much. It circles, a cycle of moments building to the whole thing, snippets and pieces coming together and they have to mean something, they do. His head is dizzy and steam drifts through the air around his head warningly.
His heart is going overtime, and his mouth is pressed so tightly closed that he's afraid to open it for fear of what will come out.
He is so, so confused.
THIS WEEK:
David knows logically that avoiding the issue can't be good. He's seen enough movies and read enough books that he knows that by avoiding it, all he's doing is delaying the inevitable.
But the alternative doesn't really appeal to him right now, so avoiding the issue it is.
It's not -- okay, so he's terrified that he's probably gay. There, he's -- well, not said it so much as thought it, but he's admitted it to himself, and that's a step, right? And the thought of that and the consequences are scary, but all the same, David isn't going to spend a long time angsting about how he's a freak or anything. Some of the best people he knows are gay. But it's not so much that he's possibly gay as it is that he's possibly gay for David Cook.
He had to choose the most unattainable guy in the whole world, David thinks miserably. Because first and foremost, Cook is David's friend. Maybe his best friend, and how can he try anything when it could go all wrong and ruin that? Plus, there's the part where Cook is just plain too good for him. Cook could have anyone he wanted, and the geeky little runner-up from Idol is probably not high on the list.
David knows that Cook is worried. He actually was worried enough that he stayed in the (David hates that whenever he remembers this he can feel his heart rate accelerate no matter what he's doing) bathroom instead of leaving the second it had burst open. Cook probably wasn't, whatever, not used to seeing naked people, but he would've known that it was incredibly horrifying for David and he had even kept talking to him through the door.
(David also hates that, as a teenager, the memory of that moment um, it does stuff to him and he feels miserably guilty and has to go to the bathroom a lot, it's awful.)
But even though Cook is upset, David's totally not aware that he's being obvious enough that Jared notices. He knows Jared spends more time with him than anyone these days (he feels the loss of Cook as the main part of his day acutely and struggles to maintain focus on whatever he's doing, because yes, it hurts, but it's probably for the best) but he hadn't thought that Jared would notice him being so gone over Cook.
They're in the studio, working on laying down some piano for a track for David to sing over later. Well, David's working and Jared is sitting behind the camera nibbling quietly on M&Ms. He plays the late note of the piece with a flourish and waits a moment and when the cut is cleared Jared claps.
"The fans'll love it," he says, grinning, and his smile is so bright that David returns it. Music has always been and will always be something that makes him feel better, so he's actually in a pretty good mood. Cook and the drama of the show are far behind him, at the apartment, and he's not going to worry about them until he has to.
"I hope so," David says. It had taken a lot to get Fox to clear letting the clip of the song go on air, but David had argued that since the song wasn't an acoustic piano, the clip was hardly giving out too much at once and after barely being in the apartment, he felt he owed his fans something. They'd given in, and David's week had taken a turn for the better, at least regarding his confidence to talk back to men in expensive suits.
"Hey, is it lunch?" Jared asks, looking at his watch. He's been doing that all day, which might be weird on anyone else, but Jared kind of has to eat all the time. It must have something to do with being eight feet tall, David decides.
"Sure," the sound guy says, waving them off, "I've got enough to work with for now. You guys go eat and we'll come back and run it through one last time just for posterity, cool?"
"Okay," David agrees, leading Jared out of the sound booth and towards the break room where people take their lunches.
"Oh," Jared says just before they go into the room, "Hey, I've got to go to the bathroom, I'll catch up."
David nods absently, trying to decide if he wants to really eat something or if he should just get something small from the vending machine. After watching Jared munch on M&Ms all day, he's kinda got a craving for them.
"Hey, Jar-" someone says, pushing open the door, and oh my heck, it's Jensen.
They stare at each other for a moment, David in surprise and Jensen with calm calculation, and finally Jensen says, "I thought he was fucking joking, fuck."
David is pretty used to Cook cursing, so he doesn't cringe, and instead says carefully, "Um, what?"
Jensen sighs and shuts the door behind him, looking uncomfortable. "Look, this is -- I love Jared, okay, but he's kind of an idiot." If David looks taken aback at his casual declaration of love for Jared, Jensen doesn't acknowledge it. "He seems to think that I should talk to you about your feelings for Cook, and I don't know why I'm the obvious choice, knowing you all of ten minutes, but I'm guessing this is why he told me to bring him something from McDonalds and then isn't here."
David is so stunned that he finds himself saying numbly, "If Jared is avoiding fast food, I'd say you're right."
Jensen laughs, short and surprised. "You know him well enough, see? I don't understand him at all. He's the better choice for this." But he sits down at the table across from David, setting the bag on the table and regarding him closely.
There's a moment of quiet, both of them looking at each other. David is well aware that the moment to credibly deny feelings for Cook has long since passed, and Jensen is probably trying to find the best way to let him know that it's not gonna work.
Finally Jensen says, "Want to eat Jared's food?"
And, without preamble, without even meaning to, David tells him everything.
Jensen listens, pulling the fries out, the hamburgers and the drinks following, and he nods every now and then to show he's listening. David tells him about the show, about what Cook means to him, how he knew when he saw Jared and Jensen kissing (he flushes and almost stumbles to a halt at that, but Jensen motions for him to continue), about the shower thing, about everything, how scared he is and what this could mean and just -- everything.
When the words trickle out finally, they've both finished eating. Jensen sips at his drink and looks contemplatively at him. David's cheeks are burning and he's embarrassed that he just said all that, but somehow doesn't regret it at all. His stomach doesn't have the lead weight in it that he's been carrying around all week, and he relaxes into his chair and waits.
"You know," Jensen says quietly, "you're kind of an idiot too." But he's smiling a little, and David smiles back. "That whole freakout you're having? We all go through that. But, even not knowing your family, just talking to you, I think you're gonna be fine, kid." He nods once, decisively. "I think you'll be fine. I also think you need to talk to Cook."
"I, what, I couldn't--" David sputters a moment and then blurts, "I can't do that now! I've been avoiding him and I can't just go up and be like--"
"I'm not saying confess your undying love and devotion," Jensen says, holding up a hand. "But if what you say is true, he's just as confused and worried as you are, and if Jared isn't full of shit, I've got a feeling everything will work out."
David's got a feeling he's being left out of a loop, but he's almost delirious with the relief of getting this all out finally, and instead he smiles weakly at Jensen and then burps loudly, which causes them both to crack up laughing.
That's how Jared finds them, and in the ensuing chaos that erupts over the loss of his lunch, David almost misses the way Jared's hand finds Jensen's. Almost.
There is no way to do this the right way, David thinks. There's just no way to have the I'm-not-homophobic-I-just-can't-handle-liking-you conversation. So he takes several deep breaths, squares his shoulders, and walks into the living room. Cook is sitting slumped on the couch, listlessly flicking through channels, and he looks tired and weary and David feels his stomach swoop because he's still so, so gorgeous. It hurts to look at him, but David has made up his mind and that moment when the inevitable happens is now.
"Cook?" he says quietly, and Cook looks over at him, eyes flicking sharply. David's stomach is going to eat itself.
"Yeah?" Cook murmurs, sitting up a little, patting the seat next to him. The television is muted and David watches the empty mouths of salespeople move uselessly. He sits down on the couch but not where Cook had motioned, and he'd have to be blind to miss the pained flash in Cook's eyes. He hates himself.
"I just -- what you said, um, earlier, about Jensen? That's not -- that's not it," he says, and oh gosh, this isn't going to be easy at all. He'd been hoping the same miracle that had possessed him to speak so freely to Jensen would take hold, but so far he's having to force every word past his lips like they were precious oxygen.
Cook, thankfully, isn't pretending to not know what he's talking about. He straightens and looks David in the eye and says, "What are you saying?"
David licks his lips, distracted by the way Cook's eyes follow the motion. "I'm not -- it doesn't bother me, Jensen and Jared. Or guys liking other guys in general, I guess. I'm not condemning them or questioning them or anything, I just -- they took me a little by surprise, is all."
Cook nods, but doesn't say anything, so David plows on determinedly. "Or, I guess what really surprised me was -- my own feelings," he finishes lamely, because he's just beating around the bush and not making any sense.
Cook is apprehensively tapping his fingers on his pants leg. David recognizes the nervous gesture and wishes he had the courage to reach out and grab his hand.
"Are you saying you like Jensen? Or Jared?" Cook ventures, and David is so appalled he flings a hand into the air, nearly hitting Cook.
"Oh my gosh, no!" he says loudly, then winces. "I mean, not that they aren't -- I just, no, I don't, not for them."
Cook nods again, eyes speculative. He looks like he's considering options, weighing ideas, and David's stomach has ceased to exist at all. "So," Cook says eventually, "you're just -- you've been worried about how I might feel about you -- what, being gay?"
Not really, David wishes he would say, but he grabs the thread and goes with it. "Pretty much, " he says quietly, ducking his head a little. "I know you wouldn't -- I know you wouldn't mind, really, but it might make things weird, you know, and I don't--"
David's barely registering movement before Cook's arms are wrapped around him tightly, fingers digging into his back almost painfully. He buries his face into the crook between Cook's shoulder and neck and breathes a little, burning with the desire to just go ahead and confess it all, say everything and be done with it.
But Cook's so warm around him, and his breathing is a little ragged and fragile, and David realizes that he's been aching for this for days now. He hadn't really expected to have missed the simple contact between them this much, but pressed against Cook like this, breathing in time with him and listening to his mindless whispers ("I could never," and "You're stupid, David," and "Don't ever, not again--"), David understands that he can't lose this again. He can't risk this, because if it hurts this much to be without Cook for a few days, he can't even imagine what it'd be like to lose him permanently.
He wraps his arms around Cook, feels his stomach drop firmly into place, and says, "I'm sorry."
it's a problem, i'm dealing
if you're gone maybe it's time to come home
cook/archuleta (2243 words)
Another installment in the Future Unknown series! I wasn't planning in writing this tonight, haha, and therefore there are probably typos out the wazoo, but I think we could all use a pick-me-up, right? And hopefully this helps. :) As always, this is for Natalie. ♥
PREVIOUSLY:
David eventually stops clutching at the shower curtains, uncurls his fingers from around the plastic material and stares at his hands. His fingers are going pruney, but he slumps down in the tub and draws his knees up, thinking hard.
He can still see Cook's face, the shock and astonishment in his eyes when the door had given; the way his eyes had coasted down over David's exposed skin, which hadn't been much. It circles, a cycle of moments building to the whole thing, snippets and pieces coming together and they have to mean something, they do. His head is dizzy and steam drifts through the air around his head warningly.
His heart is going overtime, and his mouth is pressed so tightly closed that he's afraid to open it for fear of what will come out.
He is so, so confused.
THIS WEEK:
David knows logically that avoiding the issue can't be good. He's seen enough movies and read enough books that he knows that by avoiding it, all he's doing is delaying the inevitable.
But the alternative doesn't really appeal to him right now, so avoiding the issue it is.
It's not -- okay, so he's terrified that he's probably gay. There, he's -- well, not said it so much as thought it, but he's admitted it to himself, and that's a step, right? And the thought of that and the consequences are scary, but all the same, David isn't going to spend a long time angsting about how he's a freak or anything. Some of the best people he knows are gay. But it's not so much that he's possibly gay as it is that he's possibly gay for David Cook.
He had to choose the most unattainable guy in the whole world, David thinks miserably. Because first and foremost, Cook is David's friend. Maybe his best friend, and how can he try anything when it could go all wrong and ruin that? Plus, there's the part where Cook is just plain too good for him. Cook could have anyone he wanted, and the geeky little runner-up from Idol is probably not high on the list.
David knows that Cook is worried. He actually was worried enough that he stayed in the (David hates that whenever he remembers this he can feel his heart rate accelerate no matter what he's doing) bathroom instead of leaving the second it had burst open. Cook probably wasn't, whatever, not used to seeing naked people, but he would've known that it was incredibly horrifying for David and he had even kept talking to him through the door.
(David also hates that, as a teenager, the memory of that moment um, it does stuff to him and he feels miserably guilty and has to go to the bathroom a lot, it's awful.)
But even though Cook is upset, David's totally not aware that he's being obvious enough that Jared notices. He knows Jared spends more time with him than anyone these days (he feels the loss of Cook as the main part of his day acutely and struggles to maintain focus on whatever he's doing, because yes, it hurts, but it's probably for the best) but he hadn't thought that Jared would notice him being so gone over Cook.
They're in the studio, working on laying down some piano for a track for David to sing over later. Well, David's working and Jared is sitting behind the camera nibbling quietly on M&Ms. He plays the late note of the piece with a flourish and waits a moment and when the cut is cleared Jared claps.
"The fans'll love it," he says, grinning, and his smile is so bright that David returns it. Music has always been and will always be something that makes him feel better, so he's actually in a pretty good mood. Cook and the drama of the show are far behind him, at the apartment, and he's not going to worry about them until he has to.
"I hope so," David says. It had taken a lot to get Fox to clear letting the clip of the song go on air, but David had argued that since the song wasn't an acoustic piano, the clip was hardly giving out too much at once and after barely being in the apartment, he felt he owed his fans something. They'd given in, and David's week had taken a turn for the better, at least regarding his confidence to talk back to men in expensive suits.
"Hey, is it lunch?" Jared asks, looking at his watch. He's been doing that all day, which might be weird on anyone else, but Jared kind of has to eat all the time. It must have something to do with being eight feet tall, David decides.
"Sure," the sound guy says, waving them off, "I've got enough to work with for now. You guys go eat and we'll come back and run it through one last time just for posterity, cool?"
"Okay," David agrees, leading Jared out of the sound booth and towards the break room where people take their lunches.
"Oh," Jared says just before they go into the room, "Hey, I've got to go to the bathroom, I'll catch up."
David nods absently, trying to decide if he wants to really eat something or if he should just get something small from the vending machine. After watching Jared munch on M&Ms all day, he's kinda got a craving for them.
"Hey, Jar-" someone says, pushing open the door, and oh my heck, it's Jensen.
They stare at each other for a moment, David in surprise and Jensen with calm calculation, and finally Jensen says, "I thought he was fucking joking, fuck."
David is pretty used to Cook cursing, so he doesn't cringe, and instead says carefully, "Um, what?"
Jensen sighs and shuts the door behind him, looking uncomfortable. "Look, this is -- I love Jared, okay, but he's kind of an idiot." If David looks taken aback at his casual declaration of love for Jared, Jensen doesn't acknowledge it. "He seems to think that I should talk to you about your feelings for Cook, and I don't know why I'm the obvious choice, knowing you all of ten minutes, but I'm guessing this is why he told me to bring him something from McDonalds and then isn't here."
David is so stunned that he finds himself saying numbly, "If Jared is avoiding fast food, I'd say you're right."
Jensen laughs, short and surprised. "You know him well enough, see? I don't understand him at all. He's the better choice for this." But he sits down at the table across from David, setting the bag on the table and regarding him closely.
There's a moment of quiet, both of them looking at each other. David is well aware that the moment to credibly deny feelings for Cook has long since passed, and Jensen is probably trying to find the best way to let him know that it's not gonna work.
Finally Jensen says, "Want to eat Jared's food?"
And, without preamble, without even meaning to, David tells him everything.
Jensen listens, pulling the fries out, the hamburgers and the drinks following, and he nods every now and then to show he's listening. David tells him about the show, about what Cook means to him, how he knew when he saw Jared and Jensen kissing (he flushes and almost stumbles to a halt at that, but Jensen motions for him to continue), about the shower thing, about everything, how scared he is and what this could mean and just -- everything.
When the words trickle out finally, they've both finished eating. Jensen sips at his drink and looks contemplatively at him. David's cheeks are burning and he's embarrassed that he just said all that, but somehow doesn't regret it at all. His stomach doesn't have the lead weight in it that he's been carrying around all week, and he relaxes into his chair and waits.
"You know," Jensen says quietly, "you're kind of an idiot too." But he's smiling a little, and David smiles back. "That whole freakout you're having? We all go through that. But, even not knowing your family, just talking to you, I think you're gonna be fine, kid." He nods once, decisively. "I think you'll be fine. I also think you need to talk to Cook."
"I, what, I couldn't--" David sputters a moment and then blurts, "I can't do that now! I've been avoiding him and I can't just go up and be like--"
"I'm not saying confess your undying love and devotion," Jensen says, holding up a hand. "But if what you say is true, he's just as confused and worried as you are, and if Jared isn't full of shit, I've got a feeling everything will work out."
David's got a feeling he's being left out of a loop, but he's almost delirious with the relief of getting this all out finally, and instead he smiles weakly at Jensen and then burps loudly, which causes them both to crack up laughing.
That's how Jared finds them, and in the ensuing chaos that erupts over the loss of his lunch, David almost misses the way Jared's hand finds Jensen's. Almost.
There is no way to do this the right way, David thinks. There's just no way to have the I'm-not-homophobic-I-just-can't-handle-liking-you conversation. So he takes several deep breaths, squares his shoulders, and walks into the living room. Cook is sitting slumped on the couch, listlessly flicking through channels, and he looks tired and weary and David feels his stomach swoop because he's still so, so gorgeous. It hurts to look at him, but David has made up his mind and that moment when the inevitable happens is now.
"Cook?" he says quietly, and Cook looks over at him, eyes flicking sharply. David's stomach is going to eat itself.
"Yeah?" Cook murmurs, sitting up a little, patting the seat next to him. The television is muted and David watches the empty mouths of salespeople move uselessly. He sits down on the couch but not where Cook had motioned, and he'd have to be blind to miss the pained flash in Cook's eyes. He hates himself.
"I just -- what you said, um, earlier, about Jensen? That's not -- that's not it," he says, and oh gosh, this isn't going to be easy at all. He'd been hoping the same miracle that had possessed him to speak so freely to Jensen would take hold, but so far he's having to force every word past his lips like they were precious oxygen.
Cook, thankfully, isn't pretending to not know what he's talking about. He straightens and looks David in the eye and says, "What are you saying?"
David licks his lips, distracted by the way Cook's eyes follow the motion. "I'm not -- it doesn't bother me, Jensen and Jared. Or guys liking other guys in general, I guess. I'm not condemning them or questioning them or anything, I just -- they took me a little by surprise, is all."
Cook nods, but doesn't say anything, so David plows on determinedly. "Or, I guess what really surprised me was -- my own feelings," he finishes lamely, because he's just beating around the bush and not making any sense.
Cook is apprehensively tapping his fingers on his pants leg. David recognizes the nervous gesture and wishes he had the courage to reach out and grab his hand.
"Are you saying you like Jensen? Or Jared?" Cook ventures, and David is so appalled he flings a hand into the air, nearly hitting Cook.
"Oh my gosh, no!" he says loudly, then winces. "I mean, not that they aren't -- I just, no, I don't, not for them."
Cook nods again, eyes speculative. He looks like he's considering options, weighing ideas, and David's stomach has ceased to exist at all. "So," Cook says eventually, "you're just -- you've been worried about how I might feel about you -- what, being gay?"
Not really, David wishes he would say, but he grabs the thread and goes with it. "Pretty much, " he says quietly, ducking his head a little. "I know you wouldn't -- I know you wouldn't mind, really, but it might make things weird, you know, and I don't--"
David's barely registering movement before Cook's arms are wrapped around him tightly, fingers digging into his back almost painfully. He buries his face into the crook between Cook's shoulder and neck and breathes a little, burning with the desire to just go ahead and confess it all, say everything and be done with it.
But Cook's so warm around him, and his breathing is a little ragged and fragile, and David realizes that he's been aching for this for days now. He hadn't really expected to have missed the simple contact between them this much, but pressed against Cook like this, breathing in time with him and listening to his mindless whispers ("I could never," and "You're stupid, David," and "Don't ever, not again--"), David understands that he can't lose this again. He can't risk this, because if it hurts this much to be without Cook for a few days, he can't even imagine what it'd be like to lose him permanently.
He wraps his arms around Cook, feels his stomach drop firmly into place, and says, "I'm sorry."