because of you
looking back on everything ... it's been good, rocky at times, but good . great even . you know me better than anyone else . i've told you some of the innermost secrets that i've experienced . i let you know me inside &out . i let you get close to me in a way that i never thought i would let someone get . you knew what i was thinking before i even said it . i thought we agreed on everything for the most part . i gave you everything . i treated you as a king . i gave you materialistic things . anything you ever wanted . money was no price for me when it came to you . because it didn't matter to me, as long as i had you ... the one person who was head over heels into me ... by my side at all time . even though i hated it, we were/still are looked at as 'sean-n-erika' . not two entirely different independant people . which became okay for me after a while . your birthday came in early december &i did everything i could for you . i faintly remember baking you the perfect cake . yellow cake with chocolate frosting ... your favorite . things were going amazing during that month . i spent hours thinking of the perfect christmas present for you, something that would tell you, 'hey, you mean a real lot to me . i care about you tons .' i got you things that no one else would have ever even thought of getting you . because i listened, to what you liked/disliked . this actually has nothing to do with materialistic things . it's the fact that during these past two months i thought things were absolutely unreal . i thought that we were unstoppable . i let you watch my favorite movie with me . i let you stay on my couch when you were too tired to go home regardless of how mad my mom was . i put up with so many of your mess ups &took you back every time . looking back on it, it seems like you were always saying 'sorry' for some reason . you lied, then promised not to lie again, then lied about that &lied again, &so on &so on . &it CRUSHED me . you didn't know that, but it absolutely crushed me having the kid i was head over heels with to make my heart ping out of tune all the time . so many times i've stuck up for you, telling people, 'no you don't understand how him &i are . we're un real ... you just don't understand .' little did i know that i should have trusted my friends ... like always . little did i know that the month of december was the month you decided to talk to her again because she was home from pennsylvania . little did i know that you were sneaking behind my back to talk to her ... inviting her over so that she could give you your christmas presents . you started deleting messages from her after this happened . you assured me so many times that i had nothing to worry about with her after this happened . at least when i fucked up i could own up to it . so i'm snooping like the typical ass i am today &i come across the infamous message . the writer of the message is stating that you should tell me what happened &that i should know about the trip to penn you've been planning . i freak out a bit &start to cry in the middle of my first period class . what else was i supposed to do ? i didn't want to believe it, &i kept telling myself, 'she's fucking lying ... she knows i read this shit that why she sent it .' so i brush it off for a while ... or try to at least . my stomach was doing somersaults all day long . i went home &got changed for work ... still moping around . my cell phone vibrates at work &i noticed the contact number is yours ... so i pick it up &you ask me what's wrong . 'why don't you tell me what's wrong ...' i wittly replied leaving you dumbstruck as to what i was talking about . (bet you never thought i'd find out, huh ?) you deny the entire story i spill out to you while trying to multi-task &wait on customers at the same time . hang up wars begin . you start to yell ... i hang up . easy as that i didn't feel like dealing with bullshit at my work . so then i get home . still feeling queasy nonetheless . someone who would never lie to me EVER calls me &tells me the same thing the girl told me . i know at that point that you once again had lied to me about something that didn't have to be so farfetched . you call me, finally confess everything, &that was it . my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach &then bolted back up to the top of my throat . 'what the hell did i do to deserve this ?' is all i can keep asking myself . you try to relieve me by saying you didn't mean for it or know that it was going to happen . but i don't believe you . you just lied to me well over twenty times . everything reminds me of you . everything i eat, drink, touch, smell, say, DO ... EVERYTHING . it makes me sick to my fucking stomach . by now my eyes are bulging out of my skull . they're as pink as the lilies you gave me, which by now are whithered on my cart out in the dining room . my skin flushed from exerting so my energy yelling back &fourth &crying . i know i'm not easy to love . but i didn't deserve this . not in a million years .