Birthday Fic~HikaNoo:Yoru wa Hoshi wo Nagameteokure
I know, I know I'm late and all but whatever.
Please, please if you want your life to be better listen to yoru wa hoshi wo nagametteokure while reading this ON REPEAT!
The shape of my back as I walk up the pedestrian bridge stairs
You're probably the one person who would say 'I like it'
To have you rely on my hands, to tease me
You showed me your teeth and laughed, I miss the you back then
"Kei...I--I like you..ever since the beginning." I turned around looking at the slumped being who just confessed his feelings to me. I met Hikaru when I transferred to the Junior High on the next town because I've been bullied on my previous school because of my feminine looks and intellectual capabilities. I'm not good in sports and I'm friendly with the girls around me which caused jealousy from the guys. Hikaru is the only guy who likes to be with me. He's cheerful and is close to everyone. He juggled and joked around whenever he pleases to. He is pretty smart too and he understands my tranquility and passiveness..well I'm not actually passive he learned that a few months after we met. I liked to cuddle soft things and eat cold things. I like watching scarry movies and funny variety shows..I'm just a normal guys, just like any other quiet guy out there....until you consider my looks.
To have you cry because of me
That's not right, for sure
I'm happy since right now, right here
You're here, I'm really happy for that
"You're crying after you confessed to me? Come on now Hikaru, you're making me look bad!" I joked as I lifted his chin to meet his eyes. I could feel him trembling and I tried to give him a smile. But the smile I gave felt so fake that I'm sure he saw right through me. After being with him for almost a decade now, we could practically read each other now. I...knew his feeling for quite a while now just right after I learned something else..
"I'm glad you liked me Hikaru, but please don't confuse love and friendship here. I know I look feminine and all but you've always dated girls right? I don't think it's right to take our relationship to the next level." I tried to reason out but the pain in his eyes looked so intense that I almost thought of taking back my words.
"You think I'm disgusting now, don't you? I confessed to you ready for the fact that I can be rejected but please don't use such petty lies to me! JUST TELL ME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME I'LL SUCK IT UP AND LEAVE YOU ALONE!" He burst as another round of fresh tears escaped his eyes. He looked so pathetic trying to stand on two shaky feet. I could have gotten mad for him shouting rudely at me if not for the fact that he couldn't even control the pain in his eyes. Knowing Hikaru that must be his way of begging and pleading for me to actually say yes. It may sound like a black mail..actually it is a black mail but then...I took a deep breath and spoke.
I love you Hikaru, oh you don't know how much I do.
"I don't love you Hikaru, not in the way you do to me. You're my best friend and I want it to stay that way always...but I guess that's quite impossible right now."
Even if I were to pass away
At night, I'll gaze at the stars and send it to you
It's probably laughing, that's me
Let's laugh together
See look, you're not sad, right
I knew that the words I uttered would hurt him. I know it could crush him but I thought that it would be the best decision there is. It is better to hurt him once and for all now than to let him fall deeper in love with me and leave him in the end. Hikaru took a step back clutching the wall beside him trying to find his strength again as he slowly turned around the opposite direction away from me. I knew that at this point he would never turn back again...I want him back, I want him beside me..I want to be beside him forever.
"Hi--Hikaru!" I called out trying my best not to extend my arms and wrap him in my arms and never let go ever again.He stiffened when he heard my voice and stopped. I thought that it was the best thing he could spare me with this situation so I proceed to what I wanted to tell him.
"I know I could never satisfy you with anything that I will say from now on but please..Don't cry because of me. Please be happy." I bore my stare on his back watching it tremble once again. After a while he slowly turned around and he tried to smile even though he looked so hurt doing so.
"You're quite selfish Kei, aren't you?" He smiled a sad smile one last time and turned around and walked away from me, this time without looking back.
"I've always been selfish Hikaru, but not this time." I whispered as the tears I've successfully held on in front of him poured out. My knees felt weak and it soon gave out and everything felt distorted and moving. It felt like everything is in flash forward except for me who is stuck in the middle clutching my heart and trying to get some air that seemed to be running away from me. My heart is beating frantically making my blood rush up but all of it could not compare to the invisible knife stucked on my chest by losing my best friend and the most important person in my life...the person I love the most.
Flash Back:
"Does your family have a history on heart illnesses, Inoo-san?" Sakurai-sensei, the school physician asked me when I woke up and found myself in the school's infirmary. Apparently I collapsed while we were playing soccer for our P.E. class. Hikaru carried me all the way here but was requested to go back to the classroom for the next class.
"I---My mother died because of heart disease, Why'd you ask sensei?" I asked tilting my head to one side in wonder.
"It's just that I found something irregular when I checked you up earlier. You might as well go to the hospital when you are free, and do it as soon as possible." The doctor looked troubled as I bid him farewell and went back to class grinning sheepishly apologizing to Hikaru for making him worry. I could see such deep emotions in his eyes but I couldn't linger on it that much as another thought occupied my mind. My aunt always reminded me to keep myself healthy when I was young. They didn't want me to go out that much that's why I have pale skin. They never let me engage in sports activities as well for fear of exerting myself too much. When my aunt went to America when I was starting my Junior High 5 years ago, my life wasn't that secluded anymore and I got to do a lot of things that were forbidden before. Soon after that I soon felt my heart contracting and I find myself running out of breath whenever I do something tiring and whenever I get stressed out. I used to ignore it a lot but when sensei gave me that troubled look I don't even need a doctor to tell me what's going on.
"You would need a by-pass operation but you would need to wait around 2 years just to be safe." The doctor on the hospital told me looking stoic and professional unlike Sakurai-sensei when he first shared to me his doubts about my health.
"What if I don't want to undergo an operation sensei?" I asked and he looked back at me bewildered.
"Ah--eh well, I guess you would have to take care of yourself naturally. Don't stress out too much and don't exert too much energy. I can give you some sort of medication as well for now." He cleared his throat after while grabbing his pen to scribble some notes on the pad paper. I grinned back at him trying to appear cheerful as I apologized for being rude and excused myself. When I was about to close the room I heard him calling back.
"Come back here if you change your mind. You can still meet a lot of people who can make you believe."
End of Flash Back
"I already met him back then. Long..long before I knew about this illness."
You said you wanted to go overseas, so together
We got our passports, but are you satisfied with just that
Someday let's go somewhere like that African Sahara
We talked about that didn't we, with overflowing laughter back then
Flash Back
"Kei! We have a month left before we start working! I suggest we went to a trip before that what'd you think?" Hikaru opened up grinning sheepishly as we sat comfortably on the veranda of my house looking at the miraculously present stars that night.
"We have to get our passports first, and where do you suggest we go Hikaru?" I asked preparing myself for something like Hollywood or England where his favorite pop icons lived. He pondered on it for a while and grinned.
"Let's go to Africa!" He announced gleefully. I almost choked on the drink I was drinking.
"Are you sure? You're not saying Hollywood or England?"
"Eh~ but that's boring!" He said I shook my head in disbelief. I could never meet someone more entertaining than Hikaru in my entire life I'm sure.
We didn't know that applying for a passport could take that long. We arranged the paper and all but in the end the passports were approved three weeks after leaving us with less than a week left. We walked back together after getting our passports. I was expecting that Hikaru would be disappointed that our trip would most likely be postponed but I was shocked to see him happily skipping looking at our passports like a fool.
"Look, look Kei we may not be able to go right now but at least we're always ready to fly whenever we want to, don't you think?" He got closer hooking his arms on mine as we both burst out laughing at the optimism he showed.
I was just hoping that there would really be a next time for us, Hikaru
End of Flash Back
Something like 'I can't live on by myself'
Please don't say things like that
I want you to laugh and see the future
Because with just that smile, I'm really happy for that
I'm still lucky that I managed to bring myself in the hospital before collapsing for good. My doctor explained that I'm at my worst condition now and the only way to save me is through the operation. I simply shook my head and he looked at me with pity and regret in his eyes. I know what I'm asking him hurts him as well. It is sensei's duty to do his best to help his patients get better but what I'm asking him is for him to leave me alone and let me die naturally. He once asked me if I want to contact my Aunt and I immediately said no because knowing her, she would definitely insist on the operation and then shut me from the rest of the world after. This time I want a complete control over myself. I don't want anyone or anything restraining myself even if it is the illness itself. It is something that nothing could make me change my mind.
Besides I don't have that much reason to continue living. I've pushed away the only person who loves me truly.
After two weeks of staying in the hospital a ragged looking Hikaru emerged from the door. I was so shocked to see him and he immediately went to my bedside and hugged me tightly that I couldn't almost breathe but I let him. If I would die, I would rather die in his hands. After a few minutes of him trying to control his breathing while cluthing my hands, he looked up and met my eyes for the first time.
"I've been looking for you everywhere. I waited for you in front of your house hoping I would get a glimpse of you but days passed and you didn't come back. It felt like you're hiding from me, but still I asked the people close to you and the people in your work place but the didn't know where you are and they too were getting worried as well. The thought of something horrible happening to you entered my mind and I couldn't stand still. I went everywhere you might be until I ended up looking at the hospitals. I was so relieved that you're still here!" He said sobbing quietly his face buried in my chest. I ruffled his hair and smile as tears escaped my eyes.
"You could have called me on my phone Hikaru." I said. He looked up again and smiled sheepishly just a little bit before returning to bury his face on my chest.
"I'm a-a-afraid that you wouldn't answer my calls and that you would push me away." He said and as if realizing his fears. He abruptly stood up and looked at me with fear. I got mad at myself with what I made Hikaru, the ever so cheerful and confident Hikaru turn into someone fearful and insecure. I reached for him once more and he immediately went back to my arms.
"I'm sorry Hikaru, I love you but we can't be together." I admitted as I let my fingers get lost in his silky hair. He asked me for the reason and I calmly admitted to him everything as well as my decision not to have the operation.
"Please Kei, just have the operation! I can't live without you!" He begged. It almost tore my heart to pieces.
"You said I was selfish when I rejected you right? Actually that was the most selfless thing I've ever done because I don't want you to be dependent on my existance knowing that I will leave you sooner or later. But this decision is the most selfish one I've ever made and I hope you would understand. I don't want to be always fearful of something that will come eventually. I don't want to run away anymore, I'd rather spend the rest of my time loving you than to fight a hopeless battle. For me this is fate. I don't want to leave someone behind who coudln't survive without me just like how I was so weak when my mom died. That's why I want you to be strong Hikaru. I want you to be happy."
"But how can I be happy without you in my life?!" He argued back.
"Who said that I will be out of your life after I'm gone?" I asked smiling sweetly at him.
It's not that the path has been blocked
So that you can hear it, I'll sing you a guide
It's hard for Hikaru to accept my selfish requests but eventually he started to understand. I promised him that I will always be beside him, that I will always guide him and love him. I asked him to live happily and to continue reaching for his dreams. I asked him to love someone else when the time comes but he shussed me and said he doesn't want to think about it right now when all he wants is me.
"As long as you are here in front of me I'm happy because this is reality. I guess I would have to treasure every second you have left." He finally smiled the true smile that I've always loved to see.
Extra:
"It has been three years Kei. I'm sorry I couldn't always come to bring you flowers. The company's been sending me to business trips every once in a while. I feel like I've been getting older and older each year. Every year there are new employees who would enter the company looking as fresh as we used to when we were just starting as well. A lot has showed interest in me but they couldn't even compare to you. Not with your kindness, not with your capabilities and most especially not with you beauty. I doubt it if I could ever see someone as perfect as you. I don't want to, I guess. I'm sure I wouldn't love anyone other than you. I couldn't help it even if you reprimand me. You're just so unforgettable." I said with a goofy grin and winked my eyes once as I put the flowers in front of the grave of the person I love the most. A strong gush of wind enveloped me for a moment and I laughed out loud as I saw a beautifu scenery of cherry blossoms dancing with the wind.
"Cheesy Kei, really cheesy."
And that is my mushed up thoughts, uncertain emotions and my lack of knowledge with medical whatsoever. I hoped you liked it folks!
my layout's font is italicized so I couldn't really use Italicized ti emphasize flash backs and thoughts so I just wrote FLASHBACKS and stuff>.<