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What I am and what I lack
I am a hippie goth who lacks self worth and self protectiveness. I play games to feel the competence that I lack in my real life. I feel alive and whole when I connect to people.
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my dad
My dad and I really got each other. We were both weird, with the same inherent need to connect. My mom and I have a surface relationship. We love each other, but it never gets deep down. Sheela and I had a deep relationship, but I never felt inherently accepted by her. I never got her approval. For that reason, I cannot help her, not like I ( Read more... ) -
Books
I love to get lost in a book, so that I can feel a character telling my story.
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Conjecture
Maybe it isn't him at all, but the act of openness that so drew me. I really know him very little. Nor shall I know him.
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A grave error
I never should havve let him in like that. I have no idea why I did it, other than it felt good getting close to someone. He has no obligation to be my friend. It is unprofessional of me to expect anything else.
I only had a crush on Graham like this for a few months. Maybe it will go away and leave me in peace.
I have no idea why I revealed what ( Read more... ) -
Games
Why am I so good at games like Solara and Life of A Wizard, but cannot project those qualities in a real life setting? Why do I spend hours playing Solara or Life of A Wizard, when I could be looking for other jobs? I like this fake, powerful persona. I like that sense of mastery over my environment that I gain from playing games. It allows me ( Read more... ) -
The other him
I guess I am starting to care. I am jealous, or at least a little wistful, that now that he's reacquainted with that other girl, he is doing things with her multiple times a week, while he only seems to want to see me once a week. I know that there is no fairness in love. As a professor once said, the psyche is not politically correct. And I ( Read more... ) -
Improper, inconvenient feelings
I wish these feelings never popped up. They could get me in a lot of trouble, if the wrong person found out, even though I will never act on them. Maybe they will go away by the time he leaves. I hope so. He doesn't even have a clue about how I feel, and that is a very good thing, because I am not supposed to feel it! Besides, I hardly know ( Read more... ) -
Alignments
I am too good for neutral, but not good enough. Sheela is a pillar of strength, and Shana the underdog. So naturally, I descend to be Shana's avenging angel, while I leave Sheela to her hardness. Sheela is Cordelia, while Shana is Gonarel and Regan. And I am King Lear, doomed to fall. Forever seeking validation, I never find it from the ( Read more... ) -
This journal
Many people use their journals to share inane links, funny jokes, silly pictures, etc. Not me... I use it as a true journal, to know myself better, to communicate something inside me to someone who might give a damn. So I plead with you, Dear Reader, that when I am gone, someone publishes it, so that somewhere in the world, someone can relate to ( Read more... )