as the smoke clears (watch as ashes fade away) [part 2/2]
Title: as the smoke clears (watch as ashes fade away)
Rating: pg-15
Pairing: sehun/suho, broken!kyungsoo/suho
Length: ~9400 words
Summary: And in the end, Junmyun learns it isn’t only Sehun who needs to learn to let go.
Written for aideshou's fifth challenge ^^
prompts used: i + ii
part i
Sehun is still sitting in the kitchen, staring blankly at the half-empty pot of soup when Junmyun walks through the door clutching several bags of groceries. Junmyun pauses as he sets the groceries down on the counter, and Sehun looks up and meets his eyes. They don’t say anything, but Sehun gets out of his seat and walks over to Junmyun. There’s a hint of hesitation in his actions as he stops in front of Junmyun, but it passes, and Sehun reaches over to take a bag of groceries. There’s another pause, then Sehun quietly takes the items out and sorts them, then looks questioningly up at Junmyun.
Junmyun has to think to remember how to speak again. “Anything perishable goes in the fridge. Everything else goes in the cupboards.” His voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, because even though he’s not entirely sure what’s going on, the way Sehun nods and begins putting the groceries away makes him wonder if they’ve managed to establish something along the lines of Sehun staying, of Sehun trusting.
And Junmyun realizes that he’s almost relieved. Almost.
-
“Hey, I can’t make it tonight for the date. Sorry. My mother’s sick and I have to stay at home.” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds cut off and distant, not quite sincere, but it’s over the phone, and he convinces himself that phone calls don’t reflect emotions well. “Don’t come over. It’s kind of complicated and she’s too frail to stand people coming in and out of the house. ”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” he lies. It hurts to lie. “I hope your mother gets better. Get some rest, too. I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
“Tomorrow. I promise.”
He hangs up first, not wanting to hear the click of a call ended and the sudden silence afterwards.
-
Days pass and turn into weeks. Sehun stays and the weather becomes even colder and Junmyun is reminded of another one of his mother’s sayings, something about how it gets worse before it gets better.
He hasn’t figured out what to do about Sehun, hasn’t figured out how to convince Sehun to stop looking for the murderer, hasn’t figured out what to say to make Sehun understand and believe him. He can’t wash away grief and hatred in such a short time, and Sehun continues talking of his plans. Every time Sehun says something about getting back at the murderer, something in Junmyun feels sick, and he thinks Sehun sounds so angry, too angry, and he wants to somehow take that anger away, because no one should go through what Sehun is going through.
Sehun slowly begins to relax around Junmyun, and as long as Junmyun doesn’t make any attempts to convince Sehun to stop talking about the murderer, he’s actually friendly and helpful, washing the dishes for Junmyun without Junmyun asking and holding proper conversations with Junmyun. It becomes a tacit agreement between them-steer clear of sensitive subjects and everything will be fine. Running away from what hurts. It’s what Junmyun has become quite adept at.
They sleep in the same room, now with Junmyun on the floor and Sehun in the bed, and no matter how many times Sehun claims that it’s because he feels nervous if he can’t keep an eye on Junmyun, Junmyun is pretty sure it’s because Sehun feels safer with another person around, and he can’t disagree to that. Sometimes, when they’re sitting on the couch together and watching some film or show on the television, Sehun scoots over and rests his head on Junmyun’s shoulder, and everything feels almost normal and right. As if there’s no one except the two of them in the world, as if life will just continue on like this, with no worries and troubles.
Somewhere in between cooking disastrous meals with Sehun and ending up ordering take out while laughing too hard for the delivery man to understand, and softly singing to Sehun when Sehun is too haunted by his past to fall asleep, Junmyun begins to fall in love again.
-
He glances out of the window, more out of boredom than a genuine curiosity to see what’s going on outside. There’s nothing much to see, merely lone streetlights casting weak beams of light in the darkness, illuminating barely anything, and he begins to turn away when a flicker of movement in the corner of his vision catches his attention. He watches as a figure hurries down the street, passing undr a streetlight, and to his shock, he realizes that the figure is Kyungsoo.
There’s no reason for Kyungsoo to be here. Kyungsoo had told him he was at home, caring for his mother. He hesitates, glancing nervously back and forth from Kyungsoo’s disappearing figure to the couch behind him. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then gives the couch one last glance before slipping out of the door and out onto the street.
He pauses for one last time, then begins following Kyungsoo.
-
They’re sitting quietly on the couch one night, Junmyun tapping away at his cell phone and Sehun gazing blankly off into the distance, eyes unfocused, obviously deep in thought. It’s tranquil, a false lull of calm before Sehun suddenly says, “I’m going.”
Junmyun looks up from the screen of his phone. “Going?” But he knows what Sehun is talking about, has known it for a long time. “You’re leaving to find him, aren’t you? When?”
Sehun looks slightly relieved when Junmyun doesn’t make any sign of protest. “Tomorrow. In the morning. I’ll leave before you wake up so you don’t have to see me off or anything.” He pauses, then says softly, “Thanks. For everything. I’m going to go to sleep now.”
It’s only then that Junmyun finally completely registers Sehun’s words, and he stands up and grabs Sehun’s arm before the boy can walk off. “Stop.”
Sehun looks up at him in confusion and Junmyun is reminded of someone else he couldn’t save because he didn’t love him enough, didn’t show him that he loved him enough. “You don’t understand,” he says quietly, “Don’t go. I’ve been trying to tell you all this time. What you’re doing-stop. It’s not the answer.”
“Not the answer?” Sehun backs away but Junmyun refuses to let go of his arm. “What do you think I should do then? If I’m not going to get my revenge, then what am I going to do?” His words are flat and angry, and Junmyun is reminded of the boy he had first met, the stubborn, suspicious, desperate boy who had grown up too quickly. He hasn’t seen that boy for some time.
“It’s not the answer,” Junmyun repeats, his voice faltering as he realizes that he can’t explain what he needs to with words, that there are no words to make Sehun understand.
“So you want me to stay here. You want me to give up on Jongin. You want me to give up on the only person who understood me for years. I thought you fucking knew and accepted what I need to do.” Sehun’s tone isn’t even angry anymore, it’s emotionless. Calculating. But when Junmyun shakes his head, there’s a flash of pain that crosses his expression.
“Sehun, listen-”
“I don’t want to listen to you,” Sehun cuts in, and it would have been childish if not for the coldness on his face, the betrayal in his eyes. It hurts. Betrayal hurts.
Junmyun lets the rush of anger overwhelm him, burn through his veins as he takes a deep breath and pulls Sehun toward him when Sehun tries to shake him off. He drags Sehun into the bedroom, and forces the boy sit down on the bed. “I know why you want to, and I understand your reasoning,” he begins calmly, but the effort to keep calm takes so much. “But I also understand why you can’t do this. Sehun-ah, you’re not a killer. You shouldn’t do this to yourself. The result-the result is much worse. Do you understand?”
Sehun opens his mouth but Junmyun cuts him off with a kiss, channeling all his desperation through it. He breaks away and they stare at each other for a few moments, Sehun’s eyes wide in shock, before Junmyun trails his fingers down Sehun’s jawline, hardly aware of what he’s doing. He doesn’t consider how Sehun might react, if Sehun will draw back in repulsion or not. All he knows is that somehow, he has to keep Sehun here, has to keep Sehun from leaving.
“Every time,” he whispers, “every time you say something about wanting to kill someone, about getting revenge.” Sehun sits still as Junmyun leans in to kiss him again and when Junmyun draws back, Sehun’s fingers find their way around his wrists, clutching at them so tightly Junmyun nearly winces, “It. Fucking. Hurts. So stop. Please.”
Something bright glitters in the corner of Sehun’s right eye and as Junmyun watches, a tear slides down the boy’s face, leaving a glistening trail behind on his skin. “I didn’t ask for this,” he says, voice thick, and Junmyun isn’t sure what this is. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up every day and remember everything I had and how it’s gone now. Everything.”
“Hey, kid, I’m here for you,” Junmyun murmurs quietly, “I’m here for you.”
“I know,” Sehun replies, voice half-choked, half-sob. He’s shaking, and Junmyun still hasn’t figured out why Sehun is crying, what the boy means by this. “I know,” Sehun repeats again, and he leans forward and kisses Junmyun back, still trembling as Junmyun pushes him into a lying position and wraps his arms around him.
“Just stay,” Junmyun whispers, when they break apart, running his fingers gently through Sehun’s hair, “Stay here. Don’t go. I want to wake up in the morning with you in my arms. Promise me.”
Sehun nods slightly, face tearstained, and Junmyun kisses him over and over again, whispering you mean so much to me, don’t leave in between, as if kisses and words will take away all of Sehun’s sorrows and fears.
And perhaps they do, because when Junmyun wakes up in the morning, Sehun is still there, sleeping peacefully next to him, all traces of crying gone from his face.
-
Kyungsoo makes his way through the city, weaving back and forth through crowded streets and every time he passes under a streetlamp, the dull yellow glow of light washing the sidewalk in scattered beams, Kyungsoo looks around almost nervously, turning his head around as if checking to see if there is anyone around him.
He keeps a safe distance away from Kyungsoo, always ducking or turning halfway around whenever Kyungsoo looks behind him. There’s something wrong about this, something wrong about following Kyungsoo in the dead of the night, because as he walks quickly and quietly behind Kyungsoo, he feels like he’s not trusting Kyungsoo-but then again, he doesn’t know if he can trust Kyungsoo anymore.
Kyungsoo stops in front of a seemingly abandoned building, then looks around. He ducks quickly, blending into the shadows as he watches Kyungsoo shrug and walk past the building, disappearing into a small alleyway behind the building.
He pauses. Hesitates. He can’t turn back if he follows. What sort of relationship are we in if we can’t trust each other?
He takes a deep breath and stares at the spot where Kyungsoo had vanished. His heartbeat races, his breathing quickens, and still, he hesitates, one foot stepping forward, the other holding back. An eternity passes in a blink of the eye, and still he hesitates.
Step once. Then twice. Then thrice.
He reaches the building, steps echoing on the cement in the quiet of the night.
-
“At least stay for a few more days. Just give it a chance. Don’t go yet.”
Sehun watches him with wide eyes, expression blank as Junmyun sits up in the bed. “Give what a chance? I thought about my decision for a long time. I promised you last night,” and he flushes slightly, “that I would be here in the morning. Not for a few more days.”
“So I didn’t manage to convince you.” Junmyun’s question comes out as a statement, emotionless, almost resigned. Tired, and really, that’s what he is. Tired. Tired of everything.
“You convinced me to not leave this morning.”
He reaches out and brushes the fringe of Sehun’s bangs to the side, fingers lingering along Sehun’s forehead. Sehun flinches slightly, and Junmyun draws his hand back, but then Sehun catches his wrist and clasps their hands together. He’s beautiful, Junmyun thinks, the sunlight streaming into the room casting a stark contrast on his face, dark shadows and bright light mixed together. “I thought maybe you understood that I meant to not go for a long time,” he finally confesses, staring down at their hands with a sort of detachment. They fit together perfectly, maybe even more perfectly than with someone else’s.
“I wasn’t aware you felt this way,” Sehun mumbles quietly, not exactly answering Junmyun’s question, and closes his eyes. “I don’t know.” He lets go of Junmyun’s hand and begins getting up, opening his eyes again. “I’ll stay for a little longer. But I’ll go one day. You know that.”
And Junmyun knows, but he can’t accept it, and maybe, maybe when Sehun climbs out of the bed and walks out of the room, there’s a trace of regret on the boy’s face.
He remains in the bed for a few more minutes, staring blankly up at the ceiling, before climbing out and grabbing a few coats, then walking out of the apartment before Sehun asks him what he’s doing. Junmyun runs for about a block in the cold, reveling in the burning sensation of freezing and how the air seems to slice sharply through his lungs with every breath he takes. He finally collapses against the wall of a building, half crying, half terrified as he struggles for breath.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s falling in love, and he can’t control it, but he’s so afraid of falling in love. And maybe Sehun returns his feelings, but he doesn’t want these feelings, he doesn’t want to feel so protective of Sehun, because the last time he fell in love still haunts him, and maybe it’s his fault, all his fault, because he can’t let go either.
When Junmyun gets back to the apartment, Sehun is sitting on the couch in the living room, searching something up on the internet. He almost turns away when the title of the page catches his attention. Court Trials and Verdicts. A vague feeling of panic begins to register. Something begins hurting.
“Hey, did you eat breakfast?” he asks casually despite the dread forming in the pit of his stomach, anything to distract Sehun.
Sehun turns around, eyes angry, and Junmyun steps back, because it’s game over and now the panic really begins settling in as Sehun points at a line of text on the screen of the laptop. “I was searching for Jongin and the trial,” he begins quietly, but his eyes are blazing, “And I found this instead.”
“I don’t-”
“Who are you, Junmyun?” Sehun finishes, even more quietly, the type of deadly calm that’s worse than anger, “Or should I call you Suho?”
-
The first thing he hears as he steps into the alleyway is a sickening crack and a muffled scream cut off abruptly.
The first thing he sees is a figure bent over another, knife in hand, blood still dripping down the blade and handle.
-
Junmyun stumbles back, shaking his head frantically, as if saying it will make it untrue. “No. Not Suho,” he whispers over and over again, “Not Suho.”
And still, Sehun’s voice continues above his whispers, steady and unending, droning on in his mind, “Kim Suho. Aged eighteen. Accused of killing Do Kyungsoo, also aged eighteen. Acquitted of charges due to evidence of self-defense-”
“Stop it.”
They stare at each other, shocked eyes into frantic, and Junmyun’s nearly crying in his panic, because Sehun needs to stop talking, because every word he utters hurts so fucking much, brings back too many memories better left buried in the deep recesses of Junmyun’s mind. Memories he’s running away from but can’t let go.
“You killed someone,” Sehun finally breathes, expression unreadable as he stares at Junmyun. “You were my age. Tell me it’s not true.”
“This is why,” Junmyun begins, voice trembling as he sinks down in a chair, not answering Sehun’s question, “This is why I tell you not to go. Because it’ll haunt you for the rest of your life, even if it’s for revenge. And if it’s someone you love…if it’s for someone you love, then you kill yourself.”
“So you did kill someone.”
There are so many things Junmyun needs to say, wants to say, but he can’t find the strength to answer. He nods instead, not taking his eyes off of Sehun.
Sehun’s expression contorts into something between anguish and hurt and confusion. “I trusted you,” he says quietly, and before Junmyun can react, he runs into the bedroom and slams the door shut, the sound echoing in Junmyun’s mind long after it stops.
He hadn’t thought it was possible for anything Sehun said to be even more hurtful, but somehow, the words seem to pierce his heart and shatter everything. What sort of relationship are we in if we can’t trust each other?
Sehun doesn’t come out of the room for the rest of the day, and Junmyun ends up sleeping on the couch that night, and he learns that it has become too cold to sleep alone.
-
It’s dark, but there’s enough light to see the general features of people’s faces. He screams, unable to contain his shock as the figure turns around, and Kyungsoo looks back at him, startled. “You-”
Flash to the announcements of murders all over the news. Flash to Kyungsoo laughing and telling him to not worry about him, that he’ll be safe. Flash to all the nights Kyungsoo had disappeared off somewhere, and how the announcements of murders came the next morning.
And suddenly, Kyungsoo’s behind him, pressing the knife on his neck, the blood from the previous victim dripping down onto his shirt and running down his throat, wet and sticky and warm. “I’m sorry, Suho-yah,” he says softly into his ear, and for a moment, it feels like they’re just hugging, in love. Time seems to stop again, just pausing in the moment, crystallizing it into eternity. Then Kyungsoo adds, “I can’t have you tell anyone.”
He feels the knife press harder, and as the adrenaline rushes through him, he kicks back, catching Kyungsoo by surprise as he ducks from the knife, reaches up, and snatches the knife from Kyungsoo before Kyungsoo can react. He hesitates for a split second, then stabs in the general direction of Kyungsoo, gasping as the blade meets flesh and Kyungsoo screams out in agony and collapses.
“Why?” He bends over Kyungsoo, choking on his sobs, clutching at Kyungsoo’s hands as Kyungsoo gasps for breath. “Why? Why did you do this?”
Kyungsoo coughs and blood trickles from the corner of his mouth. “Suho-yah…”
“I’ve killed you.” He stares blankly at the patch of blood spreading rapidly across Kyungsoo’s shirt. There must be something he should feel right now. Repulsion. Horror. Regret. Grief. Anything. But he’s emotionless. There’s nothing for him to feel. “I’ve killed you, haven’t I?”
“I love you,” Kyungsoo mumbles, clutching his hand even more tightly, “I have always loved you. I’m sorry…”
The police find him a few hours later, knife in hand and still staring down at the blood-stained figure, I love you unspoken on his lips, too numb to understand anything.
-
Sehun doesn’t speak at all the next morning, just stays in the bedroom and refuses to look at Junmyun. Finally, Junmyun tells Sehun that he’s going to get groceries again, and that he’ll be gone for an hour or so. Sehun doesn’t respond and merely crawls into the bed and stares up at the ceiling until Junmyun gives up trying to talk to him and leaves the apartment.
When Junmyun comes back, there’s no sign of Sehun, and a note on the table, scrawled hurriedly, I left, and I have the gun. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for caring. It’s not signed.
Junmyun stares blankly at the note. The bags of groceries slip from his fingers and drop on the ground, but he doesn’t care, because it doesn’t matter anymore.
In the end, he has still failed.
-
He has never liked the name Suho. He’s always thought that maybe it just didn’t suit him. Junmyun seems like such a better name. A new name, a new start, a new life, a new future. The courts decide that he’s innocent of murder. Life goes on. He changes his name, tries to forget his past. Tries to bury everything beneath other memories.
But the wound in his heart never seems to heal. And it haunts him at night, when he’s trying to think, because he wonders what would have happened if he had shown Kyungsoo that he had loved him enough, if he had given Kyungsoo a reason to stop, for his sake.
Starting over is so much harder than he has ever imagined.
-
He doesn’t call for a search for Sehun. It would bring the police into the investigation, and Junmyun can’t have that happen. He spends his days worrying, because he’s never had the chance to tell Sehun the what if the murderer kills you before you try to kill him. And if the police find out eventually that Sehun, if he manages to, has killed someone-he doesn’t even want to think about it.
And there’s that aching feeling in his heart, because Junmyun has fallen in love and life without Sehun suddenly feels so dull. He’s never truly understood how it felt to have Sehun nearby.
He has failed. Over and over. Again and again.
-
It takes two weeks. Two weeks of waking up and looking up to check if Sehun is still there out of habit, only to realize that Junmyun is the one sleeping in the bed and not on the floor, and that Sehun is nowhere to be seen. Two weeks of turning around to say Sehun-ah, where are the papers? only to realize he’s staring at an empty space and talking to himself. Two weeks to realize that Sehun will probably never come back.
The twentieth day after Sehun leaves, Junmyun spends his morning sitting on his bed, staring down at his hands as if he can read the future in the lines on his palms. He doesn’t react when there’s a knock on his door. It’s probably just a delivery man or someone like that-he doesn’t want to get out of the room at the moment. It’s harder to forget Sehun than he wants it to be.
Another knock. Junmyun contemplates getting up for a few seconds, then shrugs, deciding that the effort isn’t worth it. At least, it isn’t, until there’s another knock, and an all too familiar voice shouts out, “Junmyun! Open up! I’m freezing!”
And then he bolts up from the bed, out of the room, and rushes towards the door, throwing it open-he must be dreaming-and Sehun is staring back at him, the boy’s hand raised partly in the air as if he had been about to knock again.
“Oh. Hey,” Sehun says hesitantly, when Junmyun finally stops gaping in shock. His hair’s been dyed brown and he’s wearing the jacket Junmyun had given him when they had first met. It’s Sehun, but not Sehun, because Junmyun can’t see the angry boy who had grown up too quickly anymore. “I’m back.”
Junmyun doesn’t know how to react. “Sehun…”
Sehun smiles shyly, and Junmyun is taken back by how carefree the boy seems, how relaxed and normal he’s acting. “It’s okay if you’re angry at me. You should be angry at me. I was pretty angry at myself. I’m sorry for acting like that towards you.”
It takes Junmyun a while to find the words. “What happened?”
The smile fades away from Sehun’s expression and he takes a deep breath. “I found him.”
Junmyun freezes. “Then-”
“He was right there. I had him in perfect range,” Sehun says quietly, “I could have just taken my gun and shot him. I could have killed him immediately.” He shakes his head, and there’s something shining brightly in his eyes, like a sheen of unshed tears. “But he was walking around with a girl. She kept on calling him appa, and he was making her laugh, even though it was obvious she was sick and freezing in the cold. You said I’m not a killer, and I guess I’m not.”
Breathing becomes easier. “So you…”
“I couldn’t do it. Because of the girl.” Sehun looks at Junmyun and Junmyun understands that it isn’t about the girl, it’s about Junmyun and Kyungsoo and love and acceptance and something called letting go.
“So,” Sehun continues, a half-smile on his face as he laughs shakily, “I’m going to call you hyung now, and I hope you’re not going to kick me out, hyung.”
“No,” Junmyun replies, and suddenly Sehun’s crying and hugging him, shaking as he sobs into Junmyun’s shirt, and Junmyun’s patting his back, whispering “it’s okay,” running his fingers through Sehun’s hair and maybe he’s crying too, because he hasn’t failed, he’s saved Sehun.
And maybe Sehun has saved him too, because as they embrace, Junmyun also begins to let go.
-
Spring comes, with pastel colors and the scent of blossoms as winter’s ice and snow thaw away, melting ghosts of another life, another spring, another love. When Sehun moves closer and rests his head on Junmyun’s shoulder like he used to do, Junmyun remembers about laughing, breathing, living. Time begins ticking again.
“Junmyun,” he says out loud, “I’m Junmyun.” Not Suho.
Sehun gives him a questioning look. “Of course you are. Don’t be silly.”
Spring is the time for love.
-
a/n: slapping myself repeatedly because of this tbh omfg what have i written gah ;;
a million thanks to changdictator for being the awesomest mochi ever and actually taking her time to go over the plot of this with me. infinite love goes to snluckyvillage for betaing asjdkfljasdklfjklsdajfdkfja i’m still wondering if i’m dreaming lol (MYUNG OPPA IS THE BEST <3). credit forever goes to pandataoris for giving the idea of revenge. i’m sorry for butchering your idea LOL. shout-out and eternal gratitude goes toward my irl friends and my twitterlist for coping with me complaining about this fic all day long :3 this was written in between way too many tests and piles of homework and during the two most sleep-deprived weeks of my life. trust me, without myungdae’s amazing betaing skills this would be an infinite times worse ;A;
title taken from demi lovato’s skyscraper, which i still have not listened to the original version of but somehow know how to sing lol
ummmm somehow this fic has magically managed to win first place T_T thanks to everyone who voted! ^^ and i shall forever deny winning so yeah :/
do ashes even fade away lol \o/ i feel like i spent more time trying to figure out the title than writing :P okay off to write the 82390482 fics i owe people gah
Rating: pg-15
Pairing: sehun/suho, broken!kyungsoo/suho
Length: ~9400 words
Summary: And in the end, Junmyun learns it isn’t only Sehun who needs to learn to let go.
Written for aideshou's fifth challenge ^^
prompts used: i + ii
part i
Sehun is still sitting in the kitchen, staring blankly at the half-empty pot of soup when Junmyun walks through the door clutching several bags of groceries. Junmyun pauses as he sets the groceries down on the counter, and Sehun looks up and meets his eyes. They don’t say anything, but Sehun gets out of his seat and walks over to Junmyun. There’s a hint of hesitation in his actions as he stops in front of Junmyun, but it passes, and Sehun reaches over to take a bag of groceries. There’s another pause, then Sehun quietly takes the items out and sorts them, then looks questioningly up at Junmyun.
Junmyun has to think to remember how to speak again. “Anything perishable goes in the fridge. Everything else goes in the cupboards.” His voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, because even though he’s not entirely sure what’s going on, the way Sehun nods and begins putting the groceries away makes him wonder if they’ve managed to establish something along the lines of Sehun staying, of Sehun trusting.
And Junmyun realizes that he’s almost relieved. Almost.
-
“Hey, I can’t make it tonight for the date. Sorry. My mother’s sick and I have to stay at home.” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds cut off and distant, not quite sincere, but it’s over the phone, and he convinces himself that phone calls don’t reflect emotions well. “Don’t come over. It’s kind of complicated and she’s too frail to stand people coming in and out of the house. ”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” he lies. It hurts to lie. “I hope your mother gets better. Get some rest, too. I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
“Tomorrow. I promise.”
He hangs up first, not wanting to hear the click of a call ended and the sudden silence afterwards.
-
Days pass and turn into weeks. Sehun stays and the weather becomes even colder and Junmyun is reminded of another one of his mother’s sayings, something about how it gets worse before it gets better.
He hasn’t figured out what to do about Sehun, hasn’t figured out how to convince Sehun to stop looking for the murderer, hasn’t figured out what to say to make Sehun understand and believe him. He can’t wash away grief and hatred in such a short time, and Sehun continues talking of his plans. Every time Sehun says something about getting back at the murderer, something in Junmyun feels sick, and he thinks Sehun sounds so angry, too angry, and he wants to somehow take that anger away, because no one should go through what Sehun is going through.
Sehun slowly begins to relax around Junmyun, and as long as Junmyun doesn’t make any attempts to convince Sehun to stop talking about the murderer, he’s actually friendly and helpful, washing the dishes for Junmyun without Junmyun asking and holding proper conversations with Junmyun. It becomes a tacit agreement between them-steer clear of sensitive subjects and everything will be fine. Running away from what hurts. It’s what Junmyun has become quite adept at.
They sleep in the same room, now with Junmyun on the floor and Sehun in the bed, and no matter how many times Sehun claims that it’s because he feels nervous if he can’t keep an eye on Junmyun, Junmyun is pretty sure it’s because Sehun feels safer with another person around, and he can’t disagree to that. Sometimes, when they’re sitting on the couch together and watching some film or show on the television, Sehun scoots over and rests his head on Junmyun’s shoulder, and everything feels almost normal and right. As if there’s no one except the two of them in the world, as if life will just continue on like this, with no worries and troubles.
Somewhere in between cooking disastrous meals with Sehun and ending up ordering take out while laughing too hard for the delivery man to understand, and softly singing to Sehun when Sehun is too haunted by his past to fall asleep, Junmyun begins to fall in love again.
-
He glances out of the window, more out of boredom than a genuine curiosity to see what’s going on outside. There’s nothing much to see, merely lone streetlights casting weak beams of light in the darkness, illuminating barely anything, and he begins to turn away when a flicker of movement in the corner of his vision catches his attention. He watches as a figure hurries down the street, passing undr a streetlight, and to his shock, he realizes that the figure is Kyungsoo.
There’s no reason for Kyungsoo to be here. Kyungsoo had told him he was at home, caring for his mother. He hesitates, glancing nervously back and forth from Kyungsoo’s disappearing figure to the couch behind him. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then gives the couch one last glance before slipping out of the door and out onto the street.
He pauses for one last time, then begins following Kyungsoo.
-
They’re sitting quietly on the couch one night, Junmyun tapping away at his cell phone and Sehun gazing blankly off into the distance, eyes unfocused, obviously deep in thought. It’s tranquil, a false lull of calm before Sehun suddenly says, “I’m going.”
Junmyun looks up from the screen of his phone. “Going?” But he knows what Sehun is talking about, has known it for a long time. “You’re leaving to find him, aren’t you? When?”
Sehun looks slightly relieved when Junmyun doesn’t make any sign of protest. “Tomorrow. In the morning. I’ll leave before you wake up so you don’t have to see me off or anything.” He pauses, then says softly, “Thanks. For everything. I’m going to go to sleep now.”
It’s only then that Junmyun finally completely registers Sehun’s words, and he stands up and grabs Sehun’s arm before the boy can walk off. “Stop.”
Sehun looks up at him in confusion and Junmyun is reminded of someone else he couldn’t save because he didn’t love him enough, didn’t show him that he loved him enough. “You don’t understand,” he says quietly, “Don’t go. I’ve been trying to tell you all this time. What you’re doing-stop. It’s not the answer.”
“Not the answer?” Sehun backs away but Junmyun refuses to let go of his arm. “What do you think I should do then? If I’m not going to get my revenge, then what am I going to do?” His words are flat and angry, and Junmyun is reminded of the boy he had first met, the stubborn, suspicious, desperate boy who had grown up too quickly. He hasn’t seen that boy for some time.
“It’s not the answer,” Junmyun repeats, his voice faltering as he realizes that he can’t explain what he needs to with words, that there are no words to make Sehun understand.
“So you want me to stay here. You want me to give up on Jongin. You want me to give up on the only person who understood me for years. I thought you fucking knew and accepted what I need to do.” Sehun’s tone isn’t even angry anymore, it’s emotionless. Calculating. But when Junmyun shakes his head, there’s a flash of pain that crosses his expression.
“Sehun, listen-”
“I don’t want to listen to you,” Sehun cuts in, and it would have been childish if not for the coldness on his face, the betrayal in his eyes. It hurts. Betrayal hurts.
Junmyun lets the rush of anger overwhelm him, burn through his veins as he takes a deep breath and pulls Sehun toward him when Sehun tries to shake him off. He drags Sehun into the bedroom, and forces the boy sit down on the bed. “I know why you want to, and I understand your reasoning,” he begins calmly, but the effort to keep calm takes so much. “But I also understand why you can’t do this. Sehun-ah, you’re not a killer. You shouldn’t do this to yourself. The result-the result is much worse. Do you understand?”
Sehun opens his mouth but Junmyun cuts him off with a kiss, channeling all his desperation through it. He breaks away and they stare at each other for a few moments, Sehun’s eyes wide in shock, before Junmyun trails his fingers down Sehun’s jawline, hardly aware of what he’s doing. He doesn’t consider how Sehun might react, if Sehun will draw back in repulsion or not. All he knows is that somehow, he has to keep Sehun here, has to keep Sehun from leaving.
“Every time,” he whispers, “every time you say something about wanting to kill someone, about getting revenge.” Sehun sits still as Junmyun leans in to kiss him again and when Junmyun draws back, Sehun’s fingers find their way around his wrists, clutching at them so tightly Junmyun nearly winces, “It. Fucking. Hurts. So stop. Please.”
Something bright glitters in the corner of Sehun’s right eye and as Junmyun watches, a tear slides down the boy’s face, leaving a glistening trail behind on his skin. “I didn’t ask for this,” he says, voice thick, and Junmyun isn’t sure what this is. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up every day and remember everything I had and how it’s gone now. Everything.”
“Hey, kid, I’m here for you,” Junmyun murmurs quietly, “I’m here for you.”
“I know,” Sehun replies, voice half-choked, half-sob. He’s shaking, and Junmyun still hasn’t figured out why Sehun is crying, what the boy means by this. “I know,” Sehun repeats again, and he leans forward and kisses Junmyun back, still trembling as Junmyun pushes him into a lying position and wraps his arms around him.
“Just stay,” Junmyun whispers, when they break apart, running his fingers gently through Sehun’s hair, “Stay here. Don’t go. I want to wake up in the morning with you in my arms. Promise me.”
Sehun nods slightly, face tearstained, and Junmyun kisses him over and over again, whispering you mean so much to me, don’t leave in between, as if kisses and words will take away all of Sehun’s sorrows and fears.
And perhaps they do, because when Junmyun wakes up in the morning, Sehun is still there, sleeping peacefully next to him, all traces of crying gone from his face.
-
Kyungsoo makes his way through the city, weaving back and forth through crowded streets and every time he passes under a streetlamp, the dull yellow glow of light washing the sidewalk in scattered beams, Kyungsoo looks around almost nervously, turning his head around as if checking to see if there is anyone around him.
He keeps a safe distance away from Kyungsoo, always ducking or turning halfway around whenever Kyungsoo looks behind him. There’s something wrong about this, something wrong about following Kyungsoo in the dead of the night, because as he walks quickly and quietly behind Kyungsoo, he feels like he’s not trusting Kyungsoo-but then again, he doesn’t know if he can trust Kyungsoo anymore.
Kyungsoo stops in front of a seemingly abandoned building, then looks around. He ducks quickly, blending into the shadows as he watches Kyungsoo shrug and walk past the building, disappearing into a small alleyway behind the building.
He pauses. Hesitates. He can’t turn back if he follows. What sort of relationship are we in if we can’t trust each other?
He takes a deep breath and stares at the spot where Kyungsoo had vanished. His heartbeat races, his breathing quickens, and still, he hesitates, one foot stepping forward, the other holding back. An eternity passes in a blink of the eye, and still he hesitates.
Step once. Then twice. Then thrice.
He reaches the building, steps echoing on the cement in the quiet of the night.
-
“At least stay for a few more days. Just give it a chance. Don’t go yet.”
Sehun watches him with wide eyes, expression blank as Junmyun sits up in the bed. “Give what a chance? I thought about my decision for a long time. I promised you last night,” and he flushes slightly, “that I would be here in the morning. Not for a few more days.”
“So I didn’t manage to convince you.” Junmyun’s question comes out as a statement, emotionless, almost resigned. Tired, and really, that’s what he is. Tired. Tired of everything.
“You convinced me to not leave this morning.”
He reaches out and brushes the fringe of Sehun’s bangs to the side, fingers lingering along Sehun’s forehead. Sehun flinches slightly, and Junmyun draws his hand back, but then Sehun catches his wrist and clasps their hands together. He’s beautiful, Junmyun thinks, the sunlight streaming into the room casting a stark contrast on his face, dark shadows and bright light mixed together. “I thought maybe you understood that I meant to not go for a long time,” he finally confesses, staring down at their hands with a sort of detachment. They fit together perfectly, maybe even more perfectly than with someone else’s.
“I wasn’t aware you felt this way,” Sehun mumbles quietly, not exactly answering Junmyun’s question, and closes his eyes. “I don’t know.” He lets go of Junmyun’s hand and begins getting up, opening his eyes again. “I’ll stay for a little longer. But I’ll go one day. You know that.”
And Junmyun knows, but he can’t accept it, and maybe, maybe when Sehun climbs out of the bed and walks out of the room, there’s a trace of regret on the boy’s face.
He remains in the bed for a few more minutes, staring blankly up at the ceiling, before climbing out and grabbing a few coats, then walking out of the apartment before Sehun asks him what he’s doing. Junmyun runs for about a block in the cold, reveling in the burning sensation of freezing and how the air seems to slice sharply through his lungs with every breath he takes. He finally collapses against the wall of a building, half crying, half terrified as he struggles for breath.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s falling in love, and he can’t control it, but he’s so afraid of falling in love. And maybe Sehun returns his feelings, but he doesn’t want these feelings, he doesn’t want to feel so protective of Sehun, because the last time he fell in love still haunts him, and maybe it’s his fault, all his fault, because he can’t let go either.
When Junmyun gets back to the apartment, Sehun is sitting on the couch in the living room, searching something up on the internet. He almost turns away when the title of the page catches his attention. Court Trials and Verdicts. A vague feeling of panic begins to register. Something begins hurting.
“Hey, did you eat breakfast?” he asks casually despite the dread forming in the pit of his stomach, anything to distract Sehun.
Sehun turns around, eyes angry, and Junmyun steps back, because it’s game over and now the panic really begins settling in as Sehun points at a line of text on the screen of the laptop. “I was searching for Jongin and the trial,” he begins quietly, but his eyes are blazing, “And I found this instead.”
“I don’t-”
“Who are you, Junmyun?” Sehun finishes, even more quietly, the type of deadly calm that’s worse than anger, “Or should I call you Suho?”
-
The first thing he hears as he steps into the alleyway is a sickening crack and a muffled scream cut off abruptly.
The first thing he sees is a figure bent over another, knife in hand, blood still dripping down the blade and handle.
-
Junmyun stumbles back, shaking his head frantically, as if saying it will make it untrue. “No. Not Suho,” he whispers over and over again, “Not Suho.”
And still, Sehun’s voice continues above his whispers, steady and unending, droning on in his mind, “Kim Suho. Aged eighteen. Accused of killing Do Kyungsoo, also aged eighteen. Acquitted of charges due to evidence of self-defense-”
“Stop it.”
They stare at each other, shocked eyes into frantic, and Junmyun’s nearly crying in his panic, because Sehun needs to stop talking, because every word he utters hurts so fucking much, brings back too many memories better left buried in the deep recesses of Junmyun’s mind. Memories he’s running away from but can’t let go.
“You killed someone,” Sehun finally breathes, expression unreadable as he stares at Junmyun. “You were my age. Tell me it’s not true.”
“This is why,” Junmyun begins, voice trembling as he sinks down in a chair, not answering Sehun’s question, “This is why I tell you not to go. Because it’ll haunt you for the rest of your life, even if it’s for revenge. And if it’s someone you love…if it’s for someone you love, then you kill yourself.”
“So you did kill someone.”
There are so many things Junmyun needs to say, wants to say, but he can’t find the strength to answer. He nods instead, not taking his eyes off of Sehun.
Sehun’s expression contorts into something between anguish and hurt and confusion. “I trusted you,” he says quietly, and before Junmyun can react, he runs into the bedroom and slams the door shut, the sound echoing in Junmyun’s mind long after it stops.
He hadn’t thought it was possible for anything Sehun said to be even more hurtful, but somehow, the words seem to pierce his heart and shatter everything. What sort of relationship are we in if we can’t trust each other?
Sehun doesn’t come out of the room for the rest of the day, and Junmyun ends up sleeping on the couch that night, and he learns that it has become too cold to sleep alone.
-
It’s dark, but there’s enough light to see the general features of people’s faces. He screams, unable to contain his shock as the figure turns around, and Kyungsoo looks back at him, startled. “You-”
Flash to the announcements of murders all over the news. Flash to Kyungsoo laughing and telling him to not worry about him, that he’ll be safe. Flash to all the nights Kyungsoo had disappeared off somewhere, and how the announcements of murders came the next morning.
And suddenly, Kyungsoo’s behind him, pressing the knife on his neck, the blood from the previous victim dripping down onto his shirt and running down his throat, wet and sticky and warm. “I’m sorry, Suho-yah,” he says softly into his ear, and for a moment, it feels like they’re just hugging, in love. Time seems to stop again, just pausing in the moment, crystallizing it into eternity. Then Kyungsoo adds, “I can’t have you tell anyone.”
He feels the knife press harder, and as the adrenaline rushes through him, he kicks back, catching Kyungsoo by surprise as he ducks from the knife, reaches up, and snatches the knife from Kyungsoo before Kyungsoo can react. He hesitates for a split second, then stabs in the general direction of Kyungsoo, gasping as the blade meets flesh and Kyungsoo screams out in agony and collapses.
“Why?” He bends over Kyungsoo, choking on his sobs, clutching at Kyungsoo’s hands as Kyungsoo gasps for breath. “Why? Why did you do this?”
Kyungsoo coughs and blood trickles from the corner of his mouth. “Suho-yah…”
“I’ve killed you.” He stares blankly at the patch of blood spreading rapidly across Kyungsoo’s shirt. There must be something he should feel right now. Repulsion. Horror. Regret. Grief. Anything. But he’s emotionless. There’s nothing for him to feel. “I’ve killed you, haven’t I?”
“I love you,” Kyungsoo mumbles, clutching his hand even more tightly, “I have always loved you. I’m sorry…”
The police find him a few hours later, knife in hand and still staring down at the blood-stained figure, I love you unspoken on his lips, too numb to understand anything.
-
Sehun doesn’t speak at all the next morning, just stays in the bedroom and refuses to look at Junmyun. Finally, Junmyun tells Sehun that he’s going to get groceries again, and that he’ll be gone for an hour or so. Sehun doesn’t respond and merely crawls into the bed and stares up at the ceiling until Junmyun gives up trying to talk to him and leaves the apartment.
When Junmyun comes back, there’s no sign of Sehun, and a note on the table, scrawled hurriedly, I left, and I have the gun. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for caring. It’s not signed.
Junmyun stares blankly at the note. The bags of groceries slip from his fingers and drop on the ground, but he doesn’t care, because it doesn’t matter anymore.
In the end, he has still failed.
-
He has never liked the name Suho. He’s always thought that maybe it just didn’t suit him. Junmyun seems like such a better name. A new name, a new start, a new life, a new future. The courts decide that he’s innocent of murder. Life goes on. He changes his name, tries to forget his past. Tries to bury everything beneath other memories.
But the wound in his heart never seems to heal. And it haunts him at night, when he’s trying to think, because he wonders what would have happened if he had shown Kyungsoo that he had loved him enough, if he had given Kyungsoo a reason to stop, for his sake.
Starting over is so much harder than he has ever imagined.
-
He doesn’t call for a search for Sehun. It would bring the police into the investigation, and Junmyun can’t have that happen. He spends his days worrying, because he’s never had the chance to tell Sehun the what if the murderer kills you before you try to kill him. And if the police find out eventually that Sehun, if he manages to, has killed someone-he doesn’t even want to think about it.
And there’s that aching feeling in his heart, because Junmyun has fallen in love and life without Sehun suddenly feels so dull. He’s never truly understood how it felt to have Sehun nearby.
He has failed. Over and over. Again and again.
-
It takes two weeks. Two weeks of waking up and looking up to check if Sehun is still there out of habit, only to realize that Junmyun is the one sleeping in the bed and not on the floor, and that Sehun is nowhere to be seen. Two weeks of turning around to say Sehun-ah, where are the papers? only to realize he’s staring at an empty space and talking to himself. Two weeks to realize that Sehun will probably never come back.
The twentieth day after Sehun leaves, Junmyun spends his morning sitting on his bed, staring down at his hands as if he can read the future in the lines on his palms. He doesn’t react when there’s a knock on his door. It’s probably just a delivery man or someone like that-he doesn’t want to get out of the room at the moment. It’s harder to forget Sehun than he wants it to be.
Another knock. Junmyun contemplates getting up for a few seconds, then shrugs, deciding that the effort isn’t worth it. At least, it isn’t, until there’s another knock, and an all too familiar voice shouts out, “Junmyun! Open up! I’m freezing!”
And then he bolts up from the bed, out of the room, and rushes towards the door, throwing it open-he must be dreaming-and Sehun is staring back at him, the boy’s hand raised partly in the air as if he had been about to knock again.
“Oh. Hey,” Sehun says hesitantly, when Junmyun finally stops gaping in shock. His hair’s been dyed brown and he’s wearing the jacket Junmyun had given him when they had first met. It’s Sehun, but not Sehun, because Junmyun can’t see the angry boy who had grown up too quickly anymore. “I’m back.”
Junmyun doesn’t know how to react. “Sehun…”
Sehun smiles shyly, and Junmyun is taken back by how carefree the boy seems, how relaxed and normal he’s acting. “It’s okay if you’re angry at me. You should be angry at me. I was pretty angry at myself. I’m sorry for acting like that towards you.”
It takes Junmyun a while to find the words. “What happened?”
The smile fades away from Sehun’s expression and he takes a deep breath. “I found him.”
Junmyun freezes. “Then-”
“He was right there. I had him in perfect range,” Sehun says quietly, “I could have just taken my gun and shot him. I could have killed him immediately.” He shakes his head, and there’s something shining brightly in his eyes, like a sheen of unshed tears. “But he was walking around with a girl. She kept on calling him appa, and he was making her laugh, even though it was obvious she was sick and freezing in the cold. You said I’m not a killer, and I guess I’m not.”
Breathing becomes easier. “So you…”
“I couldn’t do it. Because of the girl.” Sehun looks at Junmyun and Junmyun understands that it isn’t about the girl, it’s about Junmyun and Kyungsoo and love and acceptance and something called letting go.
“So,” Sehun continues, a half-smile on his face as he laughs shakily, “I’m going to call you hyung now, and I hope you’re not going to kick me out, hyung.”
“No,” Junmyun replies, and suddenly Sehun’s crying and hugging him, shaking as he sobs into Junmyun’s shirt, and Junmyun’s patting his back, whispering “it’s okay,” running his fingers through Sehun’s hair and maybe he’s crying too, because he hasn’t failed, he’s saved Sehun.
And maybe Sehun has saved him too, because as they embrace, Junmyun also begins to let go.
-
Spring comes, with pastel colors and the scent of blossoms as winter’s ice and snow thaw away, melting ghosts of another life, another spring, another love. When Sehun moves closer and rests his head on Junmyun’s shoulder like he used to do, Junmyun remembers about laughing, breathing, living. Time begins ticking again.
“Junmyun,” he says out loud, “I’m Junmyun.” Not Suho.
Sehun gives him a questioning look. “Of course you are. Don’t be silly.”
Spring is the time for love.
-
a/n: slapping myself repeatedly because of this tbh omfg what have i written gah ;;
a million thanks to changdictator for being the awesomest mochi ever and actually taking her time to go over the plot of this with me. infinite love goes to snluckyvillage for betaing asjdkfljasdklfjklsdajfdkfja i’m still wondering if i’m dreaming lol (MYUNG OPPA IS THE BEST <3). credit forever goes to pandataoris for giving the idea of revenge. i’m sorry for butchering your idea LOL. shout-out and eternal gratitude goes toward my irl friends and my twitterlist for coping with me complaining about this fic all day long :3 this was written in between way too many tests and piles of homework and during the two most sleep-deprived weeks of my life. trust me, without myungdae’s amazing betaing skills this would be an infinite times worse ;A;
title taken from demi lovato’s skyscraper, which i still have not listened to the original version of but somehow know how to sing lol
ummmm somehow this fic has magically managed to win first place T_T thanks to everyone who voted! ^^ and i shall forever deny winning so yeah :/
do ashes even fade away lol \o/ i feel like i spent more time trying to figure out the title than writing :P okay off to write the 82390482 fics i owe people gah