I come back to you.
i keep wanting to cry, but i can't. my eyes can't anymore. but i still try. nothing comes out. it's as if my eyes are having dry heaves. it's painful, but i welcome the pain. anything to make my body feel what the rest of me does.
i miss him.
he's lucky, he gets to go someplace new and explore new things and people. i'm stuck in the same place i was before. with him. he's everywhere. my work. my schools. my bed. everywhere i go, i've been there with him.
i've never felt anything like this before. i've never had to stop being with someone i was happy with.
the last few days we were together we cried every day. we said "i love you" as often as possible because we knew we'd have to stop.
he took me to port authority to catch the bus home. "stay strong" he whispered, tears running down both of our faces. i tell him to hold me, he says "don't leave me just yet" when my bus is boarding. i hug him. i kiss him. i leave him. again. he promises to see me again. i nod and get on the bus. i see him through the tinted windows. i sit there, crying next to the russian man who sat next to me. i sit there, crying.
i can't take it anymore. i get off the bus, go to him, hold him one last time, tell him i love him as many times as i can, i kiss him. then i have to get back on the bus. i do and i sit there, crying, watching him through the tinted windows. i don't wipe away my tears. i don't want to forget. i stay looking out the window, in the same position, for a long time. we leave the city, leave the state, and i'm stuck in the same position. sitting there, crying. a movie was shown but i couldn't tell you which one.
i sat like that until i woke up at south station.
south station. there he was. i saw him having lunch with me. i saw him kissing my neck outside my work. i saw him reaching for my hand at the doors. i was with him when we crossed the street and where the equal signs are graffitied. the equal signs where we stood, one on each side, smiling and holding hands. he was there when i walked to downtown crossing. he was everywhere. i couldn't get away. i got on the t at the same place he often did with me, when he would take me home so i wouldn't be alone. he sat next to me. i sat there, crying, looking out the tinted windows.
i literally feel a pain in my chest. a ripping.
there's a hollowness inside me.
a hollowness in the shape of him.