horrible first draft of something I hope to be great

[swayaway]

God bless the child that could have been, never heard and never seen

Comments

[qod]

i like it. the one line/segment i would change is "even as she knows you fail to exist" the cadence or meter of it is off. it breaks up the rhythm you have working for you in the first four lines thus removing the reader from the work. it's jarring. i really like the in-line rhyming in lines one, two, and four. it reads well - subtle so you don't think "oh, cheesy rhyming" but you know you just read something that read well and flows. i've noticed you tend to rhyme well. rhyming can be a tricky thing, so easy to make overbearing. i can't claim to entirely grasp the meaning of this, but there is a definate mood/tone that it creates. i could say more, but these are the main things.

(i'm suddenly reminded of why i used to consider being an editor)

[swayaway]

Thank you ERin! Your input is greatly appriciated.
I don't really like that line either. It needs a shitload of smoothing...