Insonima

[crazygirl33087]

Insonima
Hear I am, lying in bed
With all of these thoughts running in my head.

Can't get to sleep
I even tried counting sheep.

I counted backwards from 10 to 1
As soon as I started it lost all of it's fun.

I lie in my bed and think of a dream
All of these pictures are not what they seem.

In my head I'm at school,
Where I meets

Comments

[acacia_r]

Okay...I like the general idea of this one, except that the rhyming seems rather forced. I would try reformatting it without the rhyme scheme, and with less rigid structure...just a few li nes here and there, just to see if it makes it flow better. Rhyming couplets- the rhyme scheme that you use here- tend to make everything sound like a mother goose rhyme. That's never ever a good thing. Try to revise it a bit like that and this could be good.