the train departs at 12 o'clock (but I'm still here waiting for you) (2/?)
Title: the train departs at 12 o'clock (but I'm still here waiting for you) (3/?)
Pairing: hunhan
Rating: pg-13
Genre: romance, fluff, mild!crack, angst
Length: ?
Summary: Sehun lives in a world of cycles and repetition, and Luhan lives in one of shattered monochromes.
the train departs at 12 o'clock (but I'm still here waiting for you)
1
“Oh hell no, you’re handing that shit back.”
“Not unless you apologize for stepping on my squirrel’s tail!”
“That wasn’t even your fucking squirrel; that thing’s wild, okay.”
“How dare you call dear Macaroni wild?”
Sehun fidgets uncomfortably in his seat on the bus, eyes fixed on his two classmates, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who are currently fighting over Baekhyun’s Chemistry notebook. He glances sideways at Luhan, who is flipping through a magazine nonchalantly, as if the near fist fight and strangling-fest was an every day occurrence (although it probably is).
“He named his squirrel Macaroni?” Sehun whispers, leaning ever so slightly into Luhan’s side.
“Mhmm,” Luhan replies, turning another page and squealing over the adorable puppy at the corner of the page, sending Sehun’s heart into danger zone. “But it’s not really his, I mean, it runs around his neighborhood, but Chanyeol just claimed it his pet. I’m pretty sure ‘Macaroni’ is actually five different squirrels and Chanyeol is just too stupid to know that.”
He looks up and flashes Sehun a bright smile, the poor boy already hyperventilating.
“But it’s Chanyeol so we don’t say anything about it,” he continues, now closing the magazine and placing it on Sehun’s lap (Luhan has a habit of using Sehun’s lap as a table-he sometimes uses it for support when leaning to talk to someone, and Sehun has to hold his breath so he doesn’t start squeaking and flailing around like an idiot). “Although Baekhyun does find Chanyeol beyond ridiculous, and honestly, it is a bit stupid.”
Luhan continues on about Chanyeol’s strange attachment to the neighborhood squirrel while Sehun stays mesmerized by his sunbae, breaking out of his mini reverie only when Luhan leaned close to him, face inches away, peering into his eyes.
“Hello? Anyone home?” Luhan say, drawling the words, knocking lightly on Sehun’s forehead, eyes crinkling into a small smile.
Sehun blinks once before noticing how close they were (and how similar this was to the first time they met), and he immediately pulls back. This time, however, there is no fleeting look of hurt or disappointment in Luhan’s eyes, but one of amusement and twinkling laughter. Luhan chuckles before reaching out towards Sehun, ignoring his flinch, and patting him on the head, smoothing out his hair.
“Ahh, such an adorable boy,” Luhan coos before settling back into his seat and grabbing the magazine back from Sehun.
Sehun unconsciously touches the patch of hair Luhan had been stroking earlier and couldn’t help but think that the adorable one was Luhan.
Baekhyun obviously doesn’t think so though, because barely half a minute later, Baekhyun stretches his leg across the aisle and nudges Luhan.
“Hey, you ugly dipshit, go get my Chem notebook back from the creepy giant right there,” he says, kicking Luhan a few extra times out of boredom.
“I don’t want to~” Luhan sings as he smiles up at Baekhyun, irritating him even further.
“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do then-do my Chem homework without my damned notebook?” Baekhyun snaps, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms.
“We’re going on a trip, Baekhyun,” Luhan says, almost exasperated as he nearly chucks the magazine at Baekhyun. “A trip. To relax and forget about school that’s about to start in, what, five days. Who brings their Chemistry homework along?”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and glares at Chanyeol who whimpers and hugs the notebook close to his chest, shrinking into the back corner of the bus.
“Why the hell would anyone want to go on a trip with their schools Decathlon team?” Baekhyun says, throwing his arms in the air and giving up on retrieving his notebook.
“You know you love us,” Luhan replies cheekily. “Now keep quiet and don’t let Joonmyun hear you, or else he’s going to start crying and moaning for the next forty-eight hours about how we’re best friends and how much your words hurt him.”
“Too late,” Sehun mutters as Joonmyun sits up in his seat two rows behind Baekhyun and looks at him with large, watery eyes.
“B-but Baekhyun!” He begins, and Baekhyun groans theatrically, making a big show of plugging in his earphones and ignoring Joonmyun even when he climbs into the seat beside him, crying his eyes out and asking Baekhyun what on earth he had done wrong for him to demote him from his best friends status.
Baekhyun merely snorts and ignores him for the rest of the ride.
Sehun, on the other hand, watches the two, thoroughly amused and much too interested to go unnoticed by Luhan.
“What’s so interesting?” Luhan finally asks, having been picking up Sehun’s not-so-subtle looks towards Joonmyun and Baekhyun.
“I was just wondering,” Sehun begins slowly, flushing a little, almost as if he was nervous about what he was going to say next. “Are the two of them really friends?”
“Who? Joonmyun and Baekhyun?” Luhan asks, in which Sehun replies with a brief, eager nod. “Yeah, they are.” He laughs. “Great friends. Baekhyun might hang with Chanyeol most of the time, but he’s known Joonmyun longer-they were friends ever since grade school. In fact, the only reason Baekhyun is even in Academic Decathlon is because they’re friends.”
Sehun nods slowly, mind processing the information like it was the material he needed to study for his next test.
“Why?” Luhan asks suddenly.
Sehun blinks a few times, a bit surprised by the question, before replying, “Because they act like they hate each other. Or at least Baekhyun does.”
Luhan laughs a little. “Baekhyun acts like that to everyone.” He smiles. “He’s just a bit meaner to Joonmyun, because, you know, they’re best friends.”
Sehun cocks his head, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Why be mean to your best friend?”
Luhan looks at Sehun curiously, but Sehun just stares back blankly, truly baffled. Luhan sighs once and scrunches up his face as if it was a hard question, but answers it easily.
“Because,” he starts, eyes curving into sweet crescents as he smiles and reaches to pat Sehun on the head again. “Because he knows that Joonmyun’s his best friend, and best friends will never leave each other and they will always be there.”
Sehun stares at the smile on Luhan’s face, even when he turns away, and ponders about his words, mulling them over for the whole ride.
As they depart their bus-in a chaotic manner, no doubt (Chanyeol tripped over Minseok, who promptly crashed into Baekhyun, who obviously created a loud, dramatic speech over how nobody should ever push him, and pushed Joonmyun into the nearest person, who happened to be Sehun)-Sehun watches the group of nine team members trip over each other and chase each other around, throwing out insults like daily greetings, from afar, head cocked to one side and eyebrows knitting together in concentration.
He watches them grab their luggage from the compartment below and swing them about, trying to hit one another, laughing when one falls from the impact and tumbles into the snow. He watches them bicker and complain about each other, he watches them push each other, and then pick them back up, only to push them again. He watches them laugh as snow gets hurled into their face, and watches them grin evilly as they pack a snowball of their own. He watches the snowball fly towards him and hitting him square in his face, and he blinks from the cold, before breaking out into peals of laughter, shocking everyone.
As they exchange looks from the sudden outburst of emotions from Sehun, they also begin laughing, making even more snowballs and quickly falling into a full blown snow fight, ending with them dripping wet and sweaty as they trudged towards their pension.
While they trudge through the snow, an occasional handful stuffed down someone’s shirt, Sehun smiles and thinks once again about the words Luhan had said.
“Best friends will never leave each other and they will always be there.”
As the words turn over and over again in his mind, he begins to slow down, not noticing until the crowd is yards in front of him. He begins to quicken his pace when Luhan turns around, eyes searching for Sehun and spots him. He begins waving before saying something quickly to Minseok, who also turns and shoots Sehun a smile. Then, Luhan begins running towards Sehun, grabbing his hand when he reaches him.
“Come on, slowpoke,” Luhan says teasingly. “Let’s get to the pension before a blizzard hits.”
Sehun lets himself be dragged away by Luhan, who joins in merrily with the Christmas caroling initiated by Chanyeol, and stares at his hand intertwined with Luhan’s, and wonders to himself why they fit together so perfectly.
Sehun’s lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to Baekhyun’s soft breathing and occasional whimpers, thinking to himself about absolutely every and nothing, and especially about a certain boy with blonde air and doe eyes. He feels tired, and honestly, he’d like nothing more than to just close his eyes and let himself drift off into his nonsensical dreams, but his brain just does not seem to want to do that.
After a large argument over who gets to room with whom (“No, I am not going to sleep in the same room as that stupid giant or that annoying guy-” “but Baek-” “Sehun! Yes, he’ll make a good roommate, okay let’s go to our room now”), Sehun had found himself being dragged away towards a room at the end of the hall upstairs of the pension.
Baekhyun had promptly disposed him on the bed and crossed his arms, glaring daggers at Sehun. Finally, after a couple minutes of tapping his feet and looking Sehun up and down, he blows out a gust of air and flops down onto the bed next to Sehun’s.
“Well, better you than Chanyeol,” he mutters under his breath, suffocating himself with his blankets and pillow.
They didn’t speak another word, not during dinner where everyone was busy trying not to fall asleep and Luhan was being his usual chirpy self, not when Sehun was done showering and motioned for Baekhyun to go use the bathroom, and not when Baekhyun turned the lights out, grumbling under his breath about thieves and chemistry notebooks.
Sehun doesn’t mind it, actually. He likes the silence; although it wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t stressful either. Baekhyun is a surprisingly good roommate, keeping to his side of the room and refraining from making obnoxiously loud noises-unlike the room adjacent to theirs, occupied by Chanyeol and a terrified Minseok. In fact, even though it is nearing one in the morning, Sehun can still hear Chanyeol’s incessant talking, even though he is pretty sure Minseok is already asleep.
“For the love of God, would you just SHUT UP.”
Okay, maybe not.
Sehun blinks to himself and sits up as he realizes that sleep was probably not going to come soon. He looks across the room and sees Baekhyun snoring peacefully, the inviting moonlight through the window dancing on his covers. Sehun makes a spur of the moment decision and shrugs on a fur jacket. He puts on his sneakers, tying them quietly, and shuffles out of the room, making sure to mute the click of the door as much as he can.
He then sticks his hands into his pajama pockets and trudges downstairs, towards the large screen doors at the side of the dining room. Luhan had been delighted to find an outside patio connecting towards the large garden, and had dragged Sehun outside to “admire the snow,” which was apparently code for freezing their butts off. Nonetheless, Luhan hopped back inside with a big smile, rambling away about how happy he was to be able to go on a trip with his friends.
Sehun breaths a content sigh as he sits on the cold, wooden floor of the platform, legs swinging and feet inches away from the wet, dew covered grass. The air is cold, but it feels nice against his skin, and it doesn’t feel suffocating. It stings as it travels down his windpipe and into his nose, but it wakes him up, and his senses begin tingling from the winter cold.
Life doesn’t seem so bad right now, he thinks. Yeah, it really doesn’t.
When he had to move from his old school, he wasn’t sorry to leave it. It wasn’t that he disliked his old school, but it was just that he really didn’t care. Nothing seemed important to him, and he felt no attachment to it whatsoever, not to the teachers, not to the students, not even to the nice lunch lady that occasionally gave him extra cookies. Sehun wasn’t heartless, he was just practical. He knows that moving schools would be better for him and his family, so he agreed to it-no complaints, no arguments-and finished packing his bags the day after the move was announced.
The notion that he would actually like his new life never passed through his mind. He had expected it to be the same as the other numerous schools he had attended-detached and colorless. Sehun couldn’t really remember his days at his other schools; it had all passed in a blur-nothing sticking out, nothing seemingly important. However, after moving to Seoul High, instead of getting up in the morning blankly and going through the motions of life wearily like he had the day before, he feels an unexplainable excitement building in his chest every time he stepped into the school. He feels a calming warmth the minute he steps into B226, and everyone looks at him and simultaneously says “Hi, Sehun, we feel like death, how about you?” He feels his heart swelling when he sits at his seat next to Chanyeol, and Luhan bounds over to greet him and tell him interesting things that happened at school that day, and even though Sehun doesn’t really care, he still listens and nods to whatever Luhan says. It’s a life he hadn’t led before, something vastly unfamiliar to him, but for some reason, he doesn’t mind it. He was scared before, and he might still be scared now, but he’s welcoming it and looking forward to it.
A childish expression appears on his face as he continues swinging his legs about, toes barely touching the ground. The sky is amazingly clear, and he can see the stars twinkling at him, as if they share a secret. The moon is obscured, but bits of it peek out from behind the cloud. Absently, he begins to recall Luhan telling him a story about Chang’e and the moon.
“Do you enjoy being an icicle?”
Sehun starts and glances back, eyes wide as he sees Baekhyun lowering himself next to him. He’s wrapped in coats and scarves, and his eyes look resentful as he shoots evil eyes towards Sehun.
“Pardon?” Sehun asks, not sure if he heard Baekhyun’s question correctly.
“Ugh, nevermind,” Baekhyun huffs. “I woke up to go to the restroom and you disappeared, so I thought I’d come and find you.” He looks pointedly at Sehun, and Sehun squirms a bit under his glare. “So, maknae, what are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Sehun replies honestly, voice quiet and eyes not quite meeting Baekhyun’s.
“Huh. So instead, you thought you’d come here and catch hypothermia?”
“I’m… sorry?”
Baekhyun waves his apology away, and instead hops onto the ground and leans his arms onto the platform, facing Sehun. Sehun backs away discreetly from Baekhyun’s imploring gaze, but he catches the small movement, and a hand shoots out to grip his arm. Sehun yelps.
“D-do you need something?” Sehun stammers, eyes darting away from Baekhyun’s face.
“Yeah.”
“W-what?”
“Do you like Luhan?”
“…What?”
“You heard me,” Baekhyun says casually as he climbs onto the platform again, slinging his arm around Sehun. “So, do you like Luhan-hyung?”
“Y-yes,” Sehun says, unsure of why Baekhyun would ask such a question.
Baekhyun’s eyes grow wide, and his face is inches away from Sehun’s.
“Really?!” He gasps comically, putting a hand on his chest. “No man, really?”
“Yeah? Of course I do; he’s a really nice person, and he always helps me on homework, and-”
“Okay, that was totally not what I meant,” Baekhyun cuts Sehun off and extracts his arm. “I didn’t mean as a friend.”
“I don’t quite understand…”
Baekhyun’s eyes searches Sehun’s face for a few moments before snorting and looking away. A hand reaches up to subconsciously flatten his bed hair.
“Figures,” he mutters, almost angrily. His eyes meet Sehun’s questioning ones. “You’re that type of person.”
“What?”
“Nevermind,” he says haughtily, waving his hand about. “Just keep in mind that deer run from any hint of sudden movement.” His lips curve into a sly smirk and his eyes pierce Sehun’s.
“I-”
“Do you have insomnia?” Baekhyun asks suddenly, interrupting Sehun.
Sehun blinks at Baekhyun. “No?”
“Why are you up so late?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Baekhyun eyes Sehun warily for a moment before stifling a yawn and pushing himself back to lean against the glass doors.
“Shall I keep you company?”
No thanks, do go back to your warm bed covers and leave me alone, pleaseee.
“If you want.”
Baekhyun chuckles and waves Sehun over. Sehun settles himself next to Baekhyun cautiously.
“I know you don’t like me, there’s no need to hide it.”
“I don-”
“Shhpt,” Baekhyun said, holding a hand up in front of Sehun’s face. “Don’t deny it.”
“I-”
“Tell me about yourself,” Baekhyun says, ignoring Sehun’s attempts to speak. “You never talk in class, so we all don’t know much about you.”
Sehun stares at Baekhyun for a moment before sighing.
“I’m almost seventeen,” Sehun begins softly, earning an amused laugh and a “go on, go on” from Baekhyun.
“I moved from a private school at Daegu because my mother transferred to the metropolitan branch of her company,” Sehun continues. “We actually moved a lot, and I constantly switched schools. I was born in Seoul, but my parents left for Busan a when I was two or something. I think the longest I’ve stayed in an area was three years, and that was when I was five years old.”
Sehun pauses for a second and gazes out towards the moonlight, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to recall the times from the past. Dim, decaying memories of him, his mother, and his father laughing while playing catch with a gigantic beach ball in their backyard appear for a split second before fading into oblivion again. How long ago was that? Ten years? No, more than that.
He could barely remember the more recent memories of loud shouting matches between his parents. He faintly recalled broken vases and plates, blood staining the pieces of glass, ripped clothing, and muffled sobs from the master bedroom. The younger Sehun would be standing by the door to his own bedroom, looking down the hall at the closed door.
Then, his father was gone, and he was left with a mother who barely spared him a glance, busy with files and long numbers. The divorce papers came, and Sehun remembered the broken expression on his mother’s face as she signed it, stuffing it back into its envelope and tossing it to the side after. In a week, all of his father’s things were packed into cardboard boxes and mailed to an unfamiliar address, along with the envelope.
“My mother…” Sehun starts again. “My mother’s very hard working. She has to support me by herself, so she’s always working, and she doesn’t spend much time with me, but that’s okay.”
He could almost see Baekhyun’s confused expression, and he knows he’s rambling, but with the sudden surge of unfamiliar feelings, he can’t stop his words, and they begin tripping over each other as they stumble from his lips.
“She never goes to career days at my school, or open house, or back-to-school nights, not even parent conferences, but she always remembers my birthday, even when it’s two weeks late and all she does is mutter a ‘happy late birthday’ to me without glancing at me. She forgets about Christmas and New Years, and her days are measured by the deadlines and number of reports, but that’s okay because I remember, and I celebrate it for the both of us. She never asks me how my day was or if I finished my homework or if I failed my latest Chemistry test, but I’m used to it, and I know she’s busy with work.”
Sehun pauses to suck in a shaky breath, eyes stinging and he keeps them wide open, willing the tears to leave. Sometime during his tirade, Baekhyun had moved closer to him, arm placed protectively around his shoulder, and side pressing against his. Sehun ever so slightly leans into Baekhyun and closes his eyes, swallowing thickly.
“And your father?” Baekhyun asks softly.
“He…” Sehun trails off and frowns for a moment, trying hard to call back some memories of his father. He could only see a faceless man bending down to him, arms outstretched. He couldn’t even remember his voice or the color of his eyes, and he struggles for a second to remember his birthday.
March 3rd.
Or was it the 23rd?
“He left,” Sehun says simply, the last word left hanging in the air. Baekhyun’s arm tightens around him.
“Tell me about your friends.”
Friends.
For a fraction of a second, an image of B226 appears in his mind, complete with Chanyeol’s rumbling laughter and Luhan’s bright smile. Joonmyun’s in the front of the class trying to call it to order, Kris is next to him, laid-back and uncaring. Baekhyun is in the back, head on his arms as he drifts in and out of consciousness, and Kyungsoo and Minseok are the only ones paying any attention to Joonmyun. There’s Jongdae, whom he rarely talks to but always receives a smile from, laughing, feet propped up on his desk and tipping over his chair. Tao is next to him, always brooding and quiet, but unexpectedly bright and cheery when greeting Sehun. Victoria, the only girl in the team, is chatting with her boyfriend, Zhoumi, who would always bring homemade muffins for them. And then there are the underclassmen, the ones that would respectfully bow to Sehun, greeting him with a gentle, affectionate sunbae. Yixing is outside of the classroom, strolling in halfway through practice, earning daggers from Joonmyun and returning them with a cheeky, nonchalant smile as he drops into a seat next to Sehun and Luhan, chewing his gum.
Friends.
Sehun blinks and smiles.
There’s also him.
“I don’t have many friends,” Sehun says. “But his name is Kim Jongin. He went to middle school with, before I moved to Daegu. We kept in touch through e-mails and text messages, but I haven’t seen him in months. In fact, I don’t think I told him I moved to Seoul.”
He pouts a little; a tad bit nostalgic as he remembers rooftop lunches and basketball games where he would always lose.
“He likes dancing,” Sehun continues, voice gaining a sort of conviction and a smile paying along his lips. “A lot. He would always be dancing, whether it was during lunch or after school. And he was the only person who would talk to me.”
He feels Baekhyun squeeze his shoulder, and he goes on. They spend the night like that, sitting side by side with Sehun talking about Kim Jongin in his signature soft murmurs and Baekhyun leaning into Sehun. By the time the sun is peeking out from behind the mountains, Sehun has long stopped talking, and they don’t know how long they’ve been sitting in silence, enveloped in each other’s warmth. When Baekhyun finally lets go of Sehun and stretches, Sehun thinks that maybe Baekhyun wasn’t that bad. And when Baekhyun reaches out a hand to pull Sehun in while muttering about how Sehun kept him up all night and it’s his fault if he has dark circles that day, Sehun smiles and thinks maybe they’re friends.
What had originally been a “study retreat” becomes a vacation, and Sehun isn’t complaining. Though he does not participate much in conversations, preferring to stay in his corner munching on one of the many snacks Kyungsoo makes for everyone, he enjoys listening to the cheerful banter and every present bickering between the team members. But, there are times, even though Sehun does not admit it, when he feels just a tiny bit jealous and wishes, just a little bit, to be part of the conversation as well.
When those feelings do dance into his mind though, they never stay long. Luhan will always appear a few minutes later, holding another plate of freshly baked cookies that he had just begged Kyungsoo for. He will drop down next to Sehun, sliding against the wall and stretching his legs out, balancing the plate on his knees. And although they don’t always talk, Sehun will suddenly feel oddly comforted, having somebody by him.
Luhan never does say much, which surprises Sehun, since he always seems so talkative and so social. When he is with Sehun in that little corner, however, he will shy away from the rest of the chattering members. They will sit for hours in silence, and Sehun never feels awkward or the need to run away and never come back again. It is almost as if Luhan is a completely different person, yet Sehun will feel a sense of familiarity and security, like they’ve met years and years ago.
During those times, Sehun also finds out a lot more about Luhan. He realizes that Luhan often speaks in cryptic sentences, but he never does try to figure out the meaning behind Luhan’s softly muttered words. He is content with just hearing Luhan’s smooth voice floating between small breaths. Often though, when he is lying awake in bed, Luhan’s words will come back to him, and even when he feels himself drifting off to sleep, he can’t seem to forget them.
Even though it’s been a couple of months since Sehun has moved to Seoul High and joined the Decathlon team, he still isn’t close with most of the team mates. His friendship with Baekhyun is just barely established, and usually, he never talks with anyone aside from Luhan. When anyone speaks to him, he’d lower his eyes and mumble a one or two word answer and offer them a nervous smile, hoping that they would leave him alone. They usually would, and Sehun would be alone again. For some reason, he feels more comfortable that way, and never minds the lonely pit in his stomach. He’s so accustomed to that feeling that he’s able to ignore it. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even realize it’s there.
But, Sehun notices things. He notices things others don’t, because he stays away from the tumultuous waves of life, letting them roll pass him as he observes from behind a thick piece of impenetrable glass. And because he’s so detached from everyone else, never caught in their games of life, he notices the way Luhan’s smile would disappear ever so gently when he’s alone and staring out the window. He notices the way his smile would appear, a million times brighter and a million times more forced, when someone calls out his name and pulls him away from his thoughts.
He notices the way Luhan would brush his fingers alongside the keyboard Baekhyun had brought with him for practice, expression unreadable and eyes closed as his finger hangs suspended over a high C. He notices the way Luhan would inhale shakily and drop his hand, letting it hang by his side and never touching the instrument.
Sehun notices all of that, and more, but he can only watch as Luhan falls into one of his deep reveries, a thoughtful look on his face and an unexplainable sadness in his eyes.
“Luhan?” Sehun says hesitantly. “Lu…luhan?”
“Oh!” Luhan’s head snaps towards him, and he smiles. “What’s up, Sehun?”
Sehun swallows and points towards the living room. “Joonmyun’s calling an impromptu meeting. He wants to discuss next year’s expenses, I think.”
“Damn, I hate meetings,” Luhan says cheerfully as he stands from his seat at the kitchen island and stretches. “They’re so boring, and Joonmyun’s the only one who cares.”
Sehun watches as Luhan carefully places his bookmark in his book-he notices that it is turned to the same page as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that-and stores it carefully next to the salt and pepper shakers.
“Come on,” Luhan grins. “You’re going to suffer with me.”
“I-”
Luhan doesn’t give him a chance to finish and grabs him by the arm, dragging him towards the living room.
On the last day of vacation, Sehun grows curious. He’s alone, sitting on a couch in the living room, because he is the first to finish packing. Baekhyun had waved him out of the room impatiently when he offered to help him, claiming that he needed his alone time. So, Sehun ends up in the living room, amusing himself by watching people running around the house screaming where are my socks where’s my mp3 omfg luhan did you take my jacket again?
Luhan’s book lies forgotten on the coffee table in front of him.
His eyes fall on it, and almost on instinct, he reaches for it, turning it over in his hands. It’s neatly wrapped in colored paper, the title Flowers for Algernon printed neatly on the front in Luhan’s characteristic handwriting.
The cover’s worn out, and the pages of the book are dog-eared and bent, and as Sehun flips slowly through the pages, he realizes that Luhan must’ve had this book for a long time. He turns carefully to the page it’s marked, and the bookmark-a piece of paper folded in fourths-flutters out.
Sehun picks it up, and even though there’s a voice telling him that it isn’t his business and that he should leave it the way it is, he unfolds it.
Seoul Music Academy
Dear Mr. Luhan
Congratulations, I am pleased to inform you of your admission to the Seoul Music Academy, a world-renowned music program for the…
He skims the letter quickly, and looks at the registration date. November 21.
“Sehun? What are you doing?” Luhan asks.
Sehun looks up quickly and nearly drops the book. He stands up sheepishly, closing the book and quickly folding the letter and sticking it back into the book.
“I-I just…I didn’t know if it was private-I was bored so I wanted to see what you were reading-the paper just fell out so-”
To Sehun’s relief, Luhan merely laughs, but he could hear the strain on his chuckles.
“It’s okay, it’s the human nature to be curious,” Luhan says lightly as he takes the book from Sehun and flips through it. He takes out the letter and smiles. Sehun feels afraid. He’s never seen a smile so sad before.
“Luhan…” He begins as he takes a step forwards, unsure of what to do next, but feeling that he has to do something all the same.
“I’ve nearly forgotten about this,” Luhan says, ignoring him. Sehun knows he’s lying, he knows that the letter has never left Luhan’s mind. He knows that it’s a dark cloud hanging over Luhan’s life, causing an eternal shadow amidst and cold, harsh rain, and it was what hid Luhan’s smile.
“Do you want to know what it is?” Luhan smiles brightly and looks at Sehun.
Sehun swallows and shakes his head. “I-”
Luhan’s smile falters and his eyes drop. “Of course, you already know.” He laughs. “Well then.”
He stops there, and Sehun warily waits for him to continue, a bit afraid of what was to come.
“Well then,” Luhan repeats, his voice dropping to a hoarse whisper and he takes in a breath. He jams the letter back into the book and stuffs it into his backpack.
There’s a period of silence as Luhan stares at his zipped backpack, and Sehun stares at Luhan.
“Shall we go?” Luhan says suddenly, a false cheeriness coloring his words. “We should get to the bus before them so we can get good seats!”
He takes Sehun’s hand and pulls him out the door, and Sehun wants to ask him what’s the point of getting good seats, since they’re probably going to sleep through the whole ride anyways, but he doesn’t, because he notices the stiffness in Luhan’s smile.
Sehun notices. Even though Luhan thinks no one does, Sehun notices.
As Sehun had predicted, the whole team sleeps through the ride, with the exception of Chanyeol, who never seems tired, and Victoria, who spent the whole time texting her best friend about her trip. Sehun himself takes a half-hour nap, waking up only when Luhan lightly jostles his side.
“Oops,” Luhan says softly when he sees Sehun blinking at him sleepily. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“S’alright,” Sehun mumbles as he rubs his eyes and sits up. “Where are we?”
“On the highway.”
Sehun doesn’t mention how useless that answer was and merely nods.
“I was going to go to sleep, but since you’re awake, I’m going to keep you company,” Luhan says.
Sehun quickly holds up his hands. “No, no, it’s fine. You can go to sleep, I’m fine.”
“Nah, I want to talk with our adorable maknae.”
“I’m not-”
“You’re the youngest, aren’t you?”
Sehun says quiet, and Luhan grins triumphantly. He reaches into his backpack and extracts a huge back of chips.
“Want some?” Luhan mumbles, mouth full of Lay’s.
“Um.”
“Here, have some.” Luhan grabs Sehun’s hand, ignoring the small yelp Sehun gave, and sticks it into the bag. Sehun obediently takes a single chip out and chews it carefully.
Luhan looks at him.
“What?”
“Have some more.”
Sehun gives in and takes a handful this time, eating it slowly as he and Luhan settle into silence.
“Did you buy your parents any souvenirs?” Luhan asks after a while.
Sehun hesitates before answering. “No.”
“Why not?”
“My mother…doesn’t really care. And my father doesn’t live with us, so…” Sehun trails off and shrugs his shoulders, trying to appear casual.
Luhan pats his arm comfortingly.
“Here.” He gives Sehun a small floral printed box, ornamented with a pink ribbon.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a charm bracelet. Give it to your mother.”
“I-”
“Trust me, all parents care.”
Luhan’s tone makes Sehun pause and search his face for a few seconds. Luhan holds his gaze steadily, a small smile present on his face. He pushes the box into Sehun’s hands.
“Thank you,” Sehun says finally. “Thank you.”
The lights are off when Sehun unlocks the door to his house. The bus had dropped him off at his school, and despite Luhan’s offers to give him a ride home, he politely refuses and opts to walk in the cold instead. He has always liked the chill.
He drops his duffel bag on the living room floor and throws his clothes into the washing machine, noticing that the laundry hamper was full. He sighs and begins sorting out the laundry.
After he starts the machine, he makes his way upstairs, flipping on lights as he goes. He knows that he has to turn them all off when he goes to sleep, but he’s never liked the dark. He pauses outside of his mother’s office and plays with the box that was in his pocket. He’s about to turn the door handle when the door swings open, revealing his disheveled and tired-looking mother.
“Oh,” she says. “You’re back.”
“Yeah,” Sehun replies, looking at the floor.
“Did you need something?”
“I-No.”
“Okay. I have to finish a report by Monday, so don’t bother me. I’m going to make some coffee.”
“I made some,” Sehun says quickly. “It’s on the kitchen island.”
His mother pauses on her way down the stairs. “Thank you.”
“Oh, and,” he reaches into his pocket and takes out the box. “This is for you.”
She looks at him oddly, and takes it. Sehun can’t seem to meet her gaze, and he drops his eyes, shuffling his feet.
“Thank you,” she says again, slowly this time. “Thank you.”
There’s an unfamiliar look in her eyes when she looks at Sehun that makes his mouth feel dry and his chest heavy. He hasn’t seen that expression since he was a child.
“You’re welcome.”
She doesn’t move, and stands looking at him for a while. When Sehun finally takes a step towards his room, she opens her mouth.
“Your present.”
Sehun stops.
“Your Christmas present is in your room.”
When Sehun turns back around, she’s already halfway down the stairs.
Sehun sees the small, plainly wrapped box on his desk as he drops into his chair. He pulls it towards him and simply stares at it blankly for a while, mind slowly comprehending what it was. His mother had never bought him a present before.
When he’s finally gathered his wits, he tears the wrapping paper carefully, folding it away to store in his drawer of special stuff later. It’s a generic design, with balloons and sprinkles printed on white paper, but Sehun doesn’t mind. He thinks he might like it more than the fancily designed wrapping paper with cartoon penguins and polar bears.
The box is also plain, cardboard with nothing printed on it except for his name. There’s not even a From: Mother written underneath. He exhales deeply and lifts the lid carefully, not sure of what to expect.
Settled in the cave formed by Styrofoam is a new iPod Touch, the one he had been admiring at the department store when he and his mother last went shopping. It must’ve been months ago, since his mother doesn’t really like going out, and he handles most of the shopping. He takes it out and sees that it’s indeed the new fifth-generation iPod Touch, 64 gb, complete with 4g and songs preloaded into it.
As he scrolls through the short lists of songs, he feels his throat constrict, and there’s a burning behind his eyelids. They are old songs, songs he hasn’t listened to for a long time, but songs he listened to with his family.
They are songs his father would play on the guitar and songs his mother would sing. They are songs his parents would claim to be their song and songs that held a meaning only understood by him, and his mother, and his father.
They are songs that were played on repeat during his childhood, when all of them were together, when his mother and father didn’t fight, and his mother didn’t work all night long, and his father didn’t call once a year. They are songs that were characteristic to a happy family that Sehun thought he wouldn’t be able to see again in his entire life.
But as he presses play for the first song and closes his eyes, he thinks that he could almost see his father’s smile and hear his mother’s laugh.
next
Pairing: hunhan
Rating: pg-13
Genre: romance, fluff, mild!crack, angst
Length: ?
Summary: Sehun lives in a world of cycles and repetition, and Luhan lives in one of shattered monochromes.
the train departs at 12 o'clock (but I'm still here waiting for you)
1
“Oh hell no, you’re handing that shit back.”
“Not unless you apologize for stepping on my squirrel’s tail!”
“That wasn’t even your fucking squirrel; that thing’s wild, okay.”
“How dare you call dear Macaroni wild?”
Sehun fidgets uncomfortably in his seat on the bus, eyes fixed on his two classmates, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who are currently fighting over Baekhyun’s Chemistry notebook. He glances sideways at Luhan, who is flipping through a magazine nonchalantly, as if the near fist fight and strangling-fest was an every day occurrence (although it probably is).
“He named his squirrel Macaroni?” Sehun whispers, leaning ever so slightly into Luhan’s side.
“Mhmm,” Luhan replies, turning another page and squealing over the adorable puppy at the corner of the page, sending Sehun’s heart into danger zone. “But it’s not really his, I mean, it runs around his neighborhood, but Chanyeol just claimed it his pet. I’m pretty sure ‘Macaroni’ is actually five different squirrels and Chanyeol is just too stupid to know that.”
He looks up and flashes Sehun a bright smile, the poor boy already hyperventilating.
“But it’s Chanyeol so we don’t say anything about it,” he continues, now closing the magazine and placing it on Sehun’s lap (Luhan has a habit of using Sehun’s lap as a table-he sometimes uses it for support when leaning to talk to someone, and Sehun has to hold his breath so he doesn’t start squeaking and flailing around like an idiot). “Although Baekhyun does find Chanyeol beyond ridiculous, and honestly, it is a bit stupid.”
Luhan continues on about Chanyeol’s strange attachment to the neighborhood squirrel while Sehun stays mesmerized by his sunbae, breaking out of his mini reverie only when Luhan leaned close to him, face inches away, peering into his eyes.
“Hello? Anyone home?” Luhan say, drawling the words, knocking lightly on Sehun’s forehead, eyes crinkling into a small smile.
Sehun blinks once before noticing how close they were (and how similar this was to the first time they met), and he immediately pulls back. This time, however, there is no fleeting look of hurt or disappointment in Luhan’s eyes, but one of amusement and twinkling laughter. Luhan chuckles before reaching out towards Sehun, ignoring his flinch, and patting him on the head, smoothing out his hair.
“Ahh, such an adorable boy,” Luhan coos before settling back into his seat and grabbing the magazine back from Sehun.
Sehun unconsciously touches the patch of hair Luhan had been stroking earlier and couldn’t help but think that the adorable one was Luhan.
Baekhyun obviously doesn’t think so though, because barely half a minute later, Baekhyun stretches his leg across the aisle and nudges Luhan.
“Hey, you ugly dipshit, go get my Chem notebook back from the creepy giant right there,” he says, kicking Luhan a few extra times out of boredom.
“I don’t want to~” Luhan sings as he smiles up at Baekhyun, irritating him even further.
“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do then-do my Chem homework without my damned notebook?” Baekhyun snaps, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms.
“We’re going on a trip, Baekhyun,” Luhan says, almost exasperated as he nearly chucks the magazine at Baekhyun. “A trip. To relax and forget about school that’s about to start in, what, five days. Who brings their Chemistry homework along?”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and glares at Chanyeol who whimpers and hugs the notebook close to his chest, shrinking into the back corner of the bus.
“Why the hell would anyone want to go on a trip with their schools Decathlon team?” Baekhyun says, throwing his arms in the air and giving up on retrieving his notebook.
“You know you love us,” Luhan replies cheekily. “Now keep quiet and don’t let Joonmyun hear you, or else he’s going to start crying and moaning for the next forty-eight hours about how we’re best friends and how much your words hurt him.”
“Too late,” Sehun mutters as Joonmyun sits up in his seat two rows behind Baekhyun and looks at him with large, watery eyes.
“B-but Baekhyun!” He begins, and Baekhyun groans theatrically, making a big show of plugging in his earphones and ignoring Joonmyun even when he climbs into the seat beside him, crying his eyes out and asking Baekhyun what on earth he had done wrong for him to demote him from his best friends status.
Baekhyun merely snorts and ignores him for the rest of the ride.
Sehun, on the other hand, watches the two, thoroughly amused and much too interested to go unnoticed by Luhan.
“What’s so interesting?” Luhan finally asks, having been picking up Sehun’s not-so-subtle looks towards Joonmyun and Baekhyun.
“I was just wondering,” Sehun begins slowly, flushing a little, almost as if he was nervous about what he was going to say next. “Are the two of them really friends?”
“Who? Joonmyun and Baekhyun?” Luhan asks, in which Sehun replies with a brief, eager nod. “Yeah, they are.” He laughs. “Great friends. Baekhyun might hang with Chanyeol most of the time, but he’s known Joonmyun longer-they were friends ever since grade school. In fact, the only reason Baekhyun is even in Academic Decathlon is because they’re friends.”
Sehun nods slowly, mind processing the information like it was the material he needed to study for his next test.
“Why?” Luhan asks suddenly.
Sehun blinks a few times, a bit surprised by the question, before replying, “Because they act like they hate each other. Or at least Baekhyun does.”
Luhan laughs a little. “Baekhyun acts like that to everyone.” He smiles. “He’s just a bit meaner to Joonmyun, because, you know, they’re best friends.”
Sehun cocks his head, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Why be mean to your best friend?”
Luhan looks at Sehun curiously, but Sehun just stares back blankly, truly baffled. Luhan sighs once and scrunches up his face as if it was a hard question, but answers it easily.
“Because,” he starts, eyes curving into sweet crescents as he smiles and reaches to pat Sehun on the head again. “Because he knows that Joonmyun’s his best friend, and best friends will never leave each other and they will always be there.”
Sehun stares at the smile on Luhan’s face, even when he turns away, and ponders about his words, mulling them over for the whole ride.
As they depart their bus-in a chaotic manner, no doubt (Chanyeol tripped over Minseok, who promptly crashed into Baekhyun, who obviously created a loud, dramatic speech over how nobody should ever push him, and pushed Joonmyun into the nearest person, who happened to be Sehun)-Sehun watches the group of nine team members trip over each other and chase each other around, throwing out insults like daily greetings, from afar, head cocked to one side and eyebrows knitting together in concentration.
He watches them grab their luggage from the compartment below and swing them about, trying to hit one another, laughing when one falls from the impact and tumbles into the snow. He watches them bicker and complain about each other, he watches them push each other, and then pick them back up, only to push them again. He watches them laugh as snow gets hurled into their face, and watches them grin evilly as they pack a snowball of their own. He watches the snowball fly towards him and hitting him square in his face, and he blinks from the cold, before breaking out into peals of laughter, shocking everyone.
As they exchange looks from the sudden outburst of emotions from Sehun, they also begin laughing, making even more snowballs and quickly falling into a full blown snow fight, ending with them dripping wet and sweaty as they trudged towards their pension.
While they trudge through the snow, an occasional handful stuffed down someone’s shirt, Sehun smiles and thinks once again about the words Luhan had said.
“Best friends will never leave each other and they will always be there.”
As the words turn over and over again in his mind, he begins to slow down, not noticing until the crowd is yards in front of him. He begins to quicken his pace when Luhan turns around, eyes searching for Sehun and spots him. He begins waving before saying something quickly to Minseok, who also turns and shoots Sehun a smile. Then, Luhan begins running towards Sehun, grabbing his hand when he reaches him.
“Come on, slowpoke,” Luhan says teasingly. “Let’s get to the pension before a blizzard hits.”
Sehun lets himself be dragged away by Luhan, who joins in merrily with the Christmas caroling initiated by Chanyeol, and stares at his hand intertwined with Luhan’s, and wonders to himself why they fit together so perfectly.
Sehun’s lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to Baekhyun’s soft breathing and occasional whimpers, thinking to himself about absolutely every and nothing, and especially about a certain boy with blonde air and doe eyes. He feels tired, and honestly, he’d like nothing more than to just close his eyes and let himself drift off into his nonsensical dreams, but his brain just does not seem to want to do that.
After a large argument over who gets to room with whom (“No, I am not going to sleep in the same room as that stupid giant or that annoying guy-” “but Baek-” “Sehun! Yes, he’ll make a good roommate, okay let’s go to our room now”), Sehun had found himself being dragged away towards a room at the end of the hall upstairs of the pension.
Baekhyun had promptly disposed him on the bed and crossed his arms, glaring daggers at Sehun. Finally, after a couple minutes of tapping his feet and looking Sehun up and down, he blows out a gust of air and flops down onto the bed next to Sehun’s.
“Well, better you than Chanyeol,” he mutters under his breath, suffocating himself with his blankets and pillow.
They didn’t speak another word, not during dinner where everyone was busy trying not to fall asleep and Luhan was being his usual chirpy self, not when Sehun was done showering and motioned for Baekhyun to go use the bathroom, and not when Baekhyun turned the lights out, grumbling under his breath about thieves and chemistry notebooks.
Sehun doesn’t mind it, actually. He likes the silence; although it wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t stressful either. Baekhyun is a surprisingly good roommate, keeping to his side of the room and refraining from making obnoxiously loud noises-unlike the room adjacent to theirs, occupied by Chanyeol and a terrified Minseok. In fact, even though it is nearing one in the morning, Sehun can still hear Chanyeol’s incessant talking, even though he is pretty sure Minseok is already asleep.
“For the love of God, would you just SHUT UP.”
Okay, maybe not.
Sehun blinks to himself and sits up as he realizes that sleep was probably not going to come soon. He looks across the room and sees Baekhyun snoring peacefully, the inviting moonlight through the window dancing on his covers. Sehun makes a spur of the moment decision and shrugs on a fur jacket. He puts on his sneakers, tying them quietly, and shuffles out of the room, making sure to mute the click of the door as much as he can.
He then sticks his hands into his pajama pockets and trudges downstairs, towards the large screen doors at the side of the dining room. Luhan had been delighted to find an outside patio connecting towards the large garden, and had dragged Sehun outside to “admire the snow,” which was apparently code for freezing their butts off. Nonetheless, Luhan hopped back inside with a big smile, rambling away about how happy he was to be able to go on a trip with his friends.
Sehun breaths a content sigh as he sits on the cold, wooden floor of the platform, legs swinging and feet inches away from the wet, dew covered grass. The air is cold, but it feels nice against his skin, and it doesn’t feel suffocating. It stings as it travels down his windpipe and into his nose, but it wakes him up, and his senses begin tingling from the winter cold.
Life doesn’t seem so bad right now, he thinks. Yeah, it really doesn’t.
When he had to move from his old school, he wasn’t sorry to leave it. It wasn’t that he disliked his old school, but it was just that he really didn’t care. Nothing seemed important to him, and he felt no attachment to it whatsoever, not to the teachers, not to the students, not even to the nice lunch lady that occasionally gave him extra cookies. Sehun wasn’t heartless, he was just practical. He knows that moving schools would be better for him and his family, so he agreed to it-no complaints, no arguments-and finished packing his bags the day after the move was announced.
The notion that he would actually like his new life never passed through his mind. He had expected it to be the same as the other numerous schools he had attended-detached and colorless. Sehun couldn’t really remember his days at his other schools; it had all passed in a blur-nothing sticking out, nothing seemingly important. However, after moving to Seoul High, instead of getting up in the morning blankly and going through the motions of life wearily like he had the day before, he feels an unexplainable excitement building in his chest every time he stepped into the school. He feels a calming warmth the minute he steps into B226, and everyone looks at him and simultaneously says “Hi, Sehun, we feel like death, how about you?” He feels his heart swelling when he sits at his seat next to Chanyeol, and Luhan bounds over to greet him and tell him interesting things that happened at school that day, and even though Sehun doesn’t really care, he still listens and nods to whatever Luhan says. It’s a life he hadn’t led before, something vastly unfamiliar to him, but for some reason, he doesn’t mind it. He was scared before, and he might still be scared now, but he’s welcoming it and looking forward to it.
A childish expression appears on his face as he continues swinging his legs about, toes barely touching the ground. The sky is amazingly clear, and he can see the stars twinkling at him, as if they share a secret. The moon is obscured, but bits of it peek out from behind the cloud. Absently, he begins to recall Luhan telling him a story about Chang’e and the moon.
“Do you enjoy being an icicle?”
Sehun starts and glances back, eyes wide as he sees Baekhyun lowering himself next to him. He’s wrapped in coats and scarves, and his eyes look resentful as he shoots evil eyes towards Sehun.
“Pardon?” Sehun asks, not sure if he heard Baekhyun’s question correctly.
“Ugh, nevermind,” Baekhyun huffs. “I woke up to go to the restroom and you disappeared, so I thought I’d come and find you.” He looks pointedly at Sehun, and Sehun squirms a bit under his glare. “So, maknae, what are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Sehun replies honestly, voice quiet and eyes not quite meeting Baekhyun’s.
“Huh. So instead, you thought you’d come here and catch hypothermia?”
“I’m… sorry?”
Baekhyun waves his apology away, and instead hops onto the ground and leans his arms onto the platform, facing Sehun. Sehun backs away discreetly from Baekhyun’s imploring gaze, but he catches the small movement, and a hand shoots out to grip his arm. Sehun yelps.
“D-do you need something?” Sehun stammers, eyes darting away from Baekhyun’s face.
“Yeah.”
“W-what?”
“Do you like Luhan?”
“…What?”
“You heard me,” Baekhyun says casually as he climbs onto the platform again, slinging his arm around Sehun. “So, do you like Luhan-hyung?”
“Y-yes,” Sehun says, unsure of why Baekhyun would ask such a question.
Baekhyun’s eyes grow wide, and his face is inches away from Sehun’s.
“Really?!” He gasps comically, putting a hand on his chest. “No man, really?”
“Yeah? Of course I do; he’s a really nice person, and he always helps me on homework, and-”
“Okay, that was totally not what I meant,” Baekhyun cuts Sehun off and extracts his arm. “I didn’t mean as a friend.”
“I don’t quite understand…”
Baekhyun’s eyes searches Sehun’s face for a few moments before snorting and looking away. A hand reaches up to subconsciously flatten his bed hair.
“Figures,” he mutters, almost angrily. His eyes meet Sehun’s questioning ones. “You’re that type of person.”
“What?”
“Nevermind,” he says haughtily, waving his hand about. “Just keep in mind that deer run from any hint of sudden movement.” His lips curve into a sly smirk and his eyes pierce Sehun’s.
“I-”
“Do you have insomnia?” Baekhyun asks suddenly, interrupting Sehun.
Sehun blinks at Baekhyun. “No?”
“Why are you up so late?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Baekhyun eyes Sehun warily for a moment before stifling a yawn and pushing himself back to lean against the glass doors.
“Shall I keep you company?”
No thanks, do go back to your warm bed covers and leave me alone, pleaseee.
“If you want.”
Baekhyun chuckles and waves Sehun over. Sehun settles himself next to Baekhyun cautiously.
“I know you don’t like me, there’s no need to hide it.”
“I don-”
“Shhpt,” Baekhyun said, holding a hand up in front of Sehun’s face. “Don’t deny it.”
“I-”
“Tell me about yourself,” Baekhyun says, ignoring Sehun’s attempts to speak. “You never talk in class, so we all don’t know much about you.”
Sehun stares at Baekhyun for a moment before sighing.
“I’m almost seventeen,” Sehun begins softly, earning an amused laugh and a “go on, go on” from Baekhyun.
“I moved from a private school at Daegu because my mother transferred to the metropolitan branch of her company,” Sehun continues. “We actually moved a lot, and I constantly switched schools. I was born in Seoul, but my parents left for Busan a when I was two or something. I think the longest I’ve stayed in an area was three years, and that was when I was five years old.”
Sehun pauses for a second and gazes out towards the moonlight, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to recall the times from the past. Dim, decaying memories of him, his mother, and his father laughing while playing catch with a gigantic beach ball in their backyard appear for a split second before fading into oblivion again. How long ago was that? Ten years? No, more than that.
He could barely remember the more recent memories of loud shouting matches between his parents. He faintly recalled broken vases and plates, blood staining the pieces of glass, ripped clothing, and muffled sobs from the master bedroom. The younger Sehun would be standing by the door to his own bedroom, looking down the hall at the closed door.
Then, his father was gone, and he was left with a mother who barely spared him a glance, busy with files and long numbers. The divorce papers came, and Sehun remembered the broken expression on his mother’s face as she signed it, stuffing it back into its envelope and tossing it to the side after. In a week, all of his father’s things were packed into cardboard boxes and mailed to an unfamiliar address, along with the envelope.
“My mother…” Sehun starts again. “My mother’s very hard working. She has to support me by herself, so she’s always working, and she doesn’t spend much time with me, but that’s okay.”
He could almost see Baekhyun’s confused expression, and he knows he’s rambling, but with the sudden surge of unfamiliar feelings, he can’t stop his words, and they begin tripping over each other as they stumble from his lips.
“She never goes to career days at my school, or open house, or back-to-school nights, not even parent conferences, but she always remembers my birthday, even when it’s two weeks late and all she does is mutter a ‘happy late birthday’ to me without glancing at me. She forgets about Christmas and New Years, and her days are measured by the deadlines and number of reports, but that’s okay because I remember, and I celebrate it for the both of us. She never asks me how my day was or if I finished my homework or if I failed my latest Chemistry test, but I’m used to it, and I know she’s busy with work.”
Sehun pauses to suck in a shaky breath, eyes stinging and he keeps them wide open, willing the tears to leave. Sometime during his tirade, Baekhyun had moved closer to him, arm placed protectively around his shoulder, and side pressing against his. Sehun ever so slightly leans into Baekhyun and closes his eyes, swallowing thickly.
“And your father?” Baekhyun asks softly.
“He…” Sehun trails off and frowns for a moment, trying hard to call back some memories of his father. He could only see a faceless man bending down to him, arms outstretched. He couldn’t even remember his voice or the color of his eyes, and he struggles for a second to remember his birthday.
March 3rd.
Or was it the 23rd?
“He left,” Sehun says simply, the last word left hanging in the air. Baekhyun’s arm tightens around him.
“Tell me about your friends.”
Friends.
For a fraction of a second, an image of B226 appears in his mind, complete with Chanyeol’s rumbling laughter and Luhan’s bright smile. Joonmyun’s in the front of the class trying to call it to order, Kris is next to him, laid-back and uncaring. Baekhyun is in the back, head on his arms as he drifts in and out of consciousness, and Kyungsoo and Minseok are the only ones paying any attention to Joonmyun. There’s Jongdae, whom he rarely talks to but always receives a smile from, laughing, feet propped up on his desk and tipping over his chair. Tao is next to him, always brooding and quiet, but unexpectedly bright and cheery when greeting Sehun. Victoria, the only girl in the team, is chatting with her boyfriend, Zhoumi, who would always bring homemade muffins for them. And then there are the underclassmen, the ones that would respectfully bow to Sehun, greeting him with a gentle, affectionate sunbae. Yixing is outside of the classroom, strolling in halfway through practice, earning daggers from Joonmyun and returning them with a cheeky, nonchalant smile as he drops into a seat next to Sehun and Luhan, chewing his gum.
Friends.
Sehun blinks and smiles.
There’s also him.
“I don’t have many friends,” Sehun says. “But his name is Kim Jongin. He went to middle school with, before I moved to Daegu. We kept in touch through e-mails and text messages, but I haven’t seen him in months. In fact, I don’t think I told him I moved to Seoul.”
He pouts a little; a tad bit nostalgic as he remembers rooftop lunches and basketball games where he would always lose.
“He likes dancing,” Sehun continues, voice gaining a sort of conviction and a smile paying along his lips. “A lot. He would always be dancing, whether it was during lunch or after school. And he was the only person who would talk to me.”
He feels Baekhyun squeeze his shoulder, and he goes on. They spend the night like that, sitting side by side with Sehun talking about Kim Jongin in his signature soft murmurs and Baekhyun leaning into Sehun. By the time the sun is peeking out from behind the mountains, Sehun has long stopped talking, and they don’t know how long they’ve been sitting in silence, enveloped in each other’s warmth. When Baekhyun finally lets go of Sehun and stretches, Sehun thinks that maybe Baekhyun wasn’t that bad. And when Baekhyun reaches out a hand to pull Sehun in while muttering about how Sehun kept him up all night and it’s his fault if he has dark circles that day, Sehun smiles and thinks maybe they’re friends.
What had originally been a “study retreat” becomes a vacation, and Sehun isn’t complaining. Though he does not participate much in conversations, preferring to stay in his corner munching on one of the many snacks Kyungsoo makes for everyone, he enjoys listening to the cheerful banter and every present bickering between the team members. But, there are times, even though Sehun does not admit it, when he feels just a tiny bit jealous and wishes, just a little bit, to be part of the conversation as well.
When those feelings do dance into his mind though, they never stay long. Luhan will always appear a few minutes later, holding another plate of freshly baked cookies that he had just begged Kyungsoo for. He will drop down next to Sehun, sliding against the wall and stretching his legs out, balancing the plate on his knees. And although they don’t always talk, Sehun will suddenly feel oddly comforted, having somebody by him.
Luhan never does say much, which surprises Sehun, since he always seems so talkative and so social. When he is with Sehun in that little corner, however, he will shy away from the rest of the chattering members. They will sit for hours in silence, and Sehun never feels awkward or the need to run away and never come back again. It is almost as if Luhan is a completely different person, yet Sehun will feel a sense of familiarity and security, like they’ve met years and years ago.
During those times, Sehun also finds out a lot more about Luhan. He realizes that Luhan often speaks in cryptic sentences, but he never does try to figure out the meaning behind Luhan’s softly muttered words. He is content with just hearing Luhan’s smooth voice floating between small breaths. Often though, when he is lying awake in bed, Luhan’s words will come back to him, and even when he feels himself drifting off to sleep, he can’t seem to forget them.
Even though it’s been a couple of months since Sehun has moved to Seoul High and joined the Decathlon team, he still isn’t close with most of the team mates. His friendship with Baekhyun is just barely established, and usually, he never talks with anyone aside from Luhan. When anyone speaks to him, he’d lower his eyes and mumble a one or two word answer and offer them a nervous smile, hoping that they would leave him alone. They usually would, and Sehun would be alone again. For some reason, he feels more comfortable that way, and never minds the lonely pit in his stomach. He’s so accustomed to that feeling that he’s able to ignore it. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even realize it’s there.
But, Sehun notices things. He notices things others don’t, because he stays away from the tumultuous waves of life, letting them roll pass him as he observes from behind a thick piece of impenetrable glass. And because he’s so detached from everyone else, never caught in their games of life, he notices the way Luhan’s smile would disappear ever so gently when he’s alone and staring out the window. He notices the way his smile would appear, a million times brighter and a million times more forced, when someone calls out his name and pulls him away from his thoughts.
He notices the way Luhan would brush his fingers alongside the keyboard Baekhyun had brought with him for practice, expression unreadable and eyes closed as his finger hangs suspended over a high C. He notices the way Luhan would inhale shakily and drop his hand, letting it hang by his side and never touching the instrument.
Sehun notices all of that, and more, but he can only watch as Luhan falls into one of his deep reveries, a thoughtful look on his face and an unexplainable sadness in his eyes.
“Luhan?” Sehun says hesitantly. “Lu…luhan?”
“Oh!” Luhan’s head snaps towards him, and he smiles. “What’s up, Sehun?”
Sehun swallows and points towards the living room. “Joonmyun’s calling an impromptu meeting. He wants to discuss next year’s expenses, I think.”
“Damn, I hate meetings,” Luhan says cheerfully as he stands from his seat at the kitchen island and stretches. “They’re so boring, and Joonmyun’s the only one who cares.”
Sehun watches as Luhan carefully places his bookmark in his book-he notices that it is turned to the same page as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that-and stores it carefully next to the salt and pepper shakers.
“Come on,” Luhan grins. “You’re going to suffer with me.”
“I-”
Luhan doesn’t give him a chance to finish and grabs him by the arm, dragging him towards the living room.
On the last day of vacation, Sehun grows curious. He’s alone, sitting on a couch in the living room, because he is the first to finish packing. Baekhyun had waved him out of the room impatiently when he offered to help him, claiming that he needed his alone time. So, Sehun ends up in the living room, amusing himself by watching people running around the house screaming where are my socks where’s my mp3 omfg luhan did you take my jacket again?
Luhan’s book lies forgotten on the coffee table in front of him.
His eyes fall on it, and almost on instinct, he reaches for it, turning it over in his hands. It’s neatly wrapped in colored paper, the title Flowers for Algernon printed neatly on the front in Luhan’s characteristic handwriting.
The cover’s worn out, and the pages of the book are dog-eared and bent, and as Sehun flips slowly through the pages, he realizes that Luhan must’ve had this book for a long time. He turns carefully to the page it’s marked, and the bookmark-a piece of paper folded in fourths-flutters out.
Sehun picks it up, and even though there’s a voice telling him that it isn’t his business and that he should leave it the way it is, he unfolds it.
Seoul Music Academy
Dear Mr. Luhan
Congratulations, I am pleased to inform you of your admission to the Seoul Music Academy, a world-renowned music program for the…
He skims the letter quickly, and looks at the registration date. November 21.
“Sehun? What are you doing?” Luhan asks.
Sehun looks up quickly and nearly drops the book. He stands up sheepishly, closing the book and quickly folding the letter and sticking it back into the book.
“I-I just…I didn’t know if it was private-I was bored so I wanted to see what you were reading-the paper just fell out so-”
To Sehun’s relief, Luhan merely laughs, but he could hear the strain on his chuckles.
“It’s okay, it’s the human nature to be curious,” Luhan says lightly as he takes the book from Sehun and flips through it. He takes out the letter and smiles. Sehun feels afraid. He’s never seen a smile so sad before.
“Luhan…” He begins as he takes a step forwards, unsure of what to do next, but feeling that he has to do something all the same.
“I’ve nearly forgotten about this,” Luhan says, ignoring him. Sehun knows he’s lying, he knows that the letter has never left Luhan’s mind. He knows that it’s a dark cloud hanging over Luhan’s life, causing an eternal shadow amidst and cold, harsh rain, and it was what hid Luhan’s smile.
“Do you want to know what it is?” Luhan smiles brightly and looks at Sehun.
Sehun swallows and shakes his head. “I-”
Luhan’s smile falters and his eyes drop. “Of course, you already know.” He laughs. “Well then.”
He stops there, and Sehun warily waits for him to continue, a bit afraid of what was to come.
“Well then,” Luhan repeats, his voice dropping to a hoarse whisper and he takes in a breath. He jams the letter back into the book and stuffs it into his backpack.
There’s a period of silence as Luhan stares at his zipped backpack, and Sehun stares at Luhan.
“Shall we go?” Luhan says suddenly, a false cheeriness coloring his words. “We should get to the bus before them so we can get good seats!”
He takes Sehun’s hand and pulls him out the door, and Sehun wants to ask him what’s the point of getting good seats, since they’re probably going to sleep through the whole ride anyways, but he doesn’t, because he notices the stiffness in Luhan’s smile.
Sehun notices. Even though Luhan thinks no one does, Sehun notices.
As Sehun had predicted, the whole team sleeps through the ride, with the exception of Chanyeol, who never seems tired, and Victoria, who spent the whole time texting her best friend about her trip. Sehun himself takes a half-hour nap, waking up only when Luhan lightly jostles his side.
“Oops,” Luhan says softly when he sees Sehun blinking at him sleepily. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“S’alright,” Sehun mumbles as he rubs his eyes and sits up. “Where are we?”
“On the highway.”
Sehun doesn’t mention how useless that answer was and merely nods.
“I was going to go to sleep, but since you’re awake, I’m going to keep you company,” Luhan says.
Sehun quickly holds up his hands. “No, no, it’s fine. You can go to sleep, I’m fine.”
“Nah, I want to talk with our adorable maknae.”
“I’m not-”
“You’re the youngest, aren’t you?”
Sehun says quiet, and Luhan grins triumphantly. He reaches into his backpack and extracts a huge back of chips.
“Want some?” Luhan mumbles, mouth full of Lay’s.
“Um.”
“Here, have some.” Luhan grabs Sehun’s hand, ignoring the small yelp Sehun gave, and sticks it into the bag. Sehun obediently takes a single chip out and chews it carefully.
Luhan looks at him.
“What?”
“Have some more.”
Sehun gives in and takes a handful this time, eating it slowly as he and Luhan settle into silence.
“Did you buy your parents any souvenirs?” Luhan asks after a while.
Sehun hesitates before answering. “No.”
“Why not?”
“My mother…doesn’t really care. And my father doesn’t live with us, so…” Sehun trails off and shrugs his shoulders, trying to appear casual.
Luhan pats his arm comfortingly.
“Here.” He gives Sehun a small floral printed box, ornamented with a pink ribbon.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a charm bracelet. Give it to your mother.”
“I-”
“Trust me, all parents care.”
Luhan’s tone makes Sehun pause and search his face for a few seconds. Luhan holds his gaze steadily, a small smile present on his face. He pushes the box into Sehun’s hands.
“Thank you,” Sehun says finally. “Thank you.”
The lights are off when Sehun unlocks the door to his house. The bus had dropped him off at his school, and despite Luhan’s offers to give him a ride home, he politely refuses and opts to walk in the cold instead. He has always liked the chill.
He drops his duffel bag on the living room floor and throws his clothes into the washing machine, noticing that the laundry hamper was full. He sighs and begins sorting out the laundry.
After he starts the machine, he makes his way upstairs, flipping on lights as he goes. He knows that he has to turn them all off when he goes to sleep, but he’s never liked the dark. He pauses outside of his mother’s office and plays with the box that was in his pocket. He’s about to turn the door handle when the door swings open, revealing his disheveled and tired-looking mother.
“Oh,” she says. “You’re back.”
“Yeah,” Sehun replies, looking at the floor.
“Did you need something?”
“I-No.”
“Okay. I have to finish a report by Monday, so don’t bother me. I’m going to make some coffee.”
“I made some,” Sehun says quickly. “It’s on the kitchen island.”
His mother pauses on her way down the stairs. “Thank you.”
“Oh, and,” he reaches into his pocket and takes out the box. “This is for you.”
She looks at him oddly, and takes it. Sehun can’t seem to meet her gaze, and he drops his eyes, shuffling his feet.
“Thank you,” she says again, slowly this time. “Thank you.”
There’s an unfamiliar look in her eyes when she looks at Sehun that makes his mouth feel dry and his chest heavy. He hasn’t seen that expression since he was a child.
“You’re welcome.”
She doesn’t move, and stands looking at him for a while. When Sehun finally takes a step towards his room, she opens her mouth.
“Your present.”
Sehun stops.
“Your Christmas present is in your room.”
When Sehun turns back around, she’s already halfway down the stairs.
Sehun sees the small, plainly wrapped box on his desk as he drops into his chair. He pulls it towards him and simply stares at it blankly for a while, mind slowly comprehending what it was. His mother had never bought him a present before.
When he’s finally gathered his wits, he tears the wrapping paper carefully, folding it away to store in his drawer of special stuff later. It’s a generic design, with balloons and sprinkles printed on white paper, but Sehun doesn’t mind. He thinks he might like it more than the fancily designed wrapping paper with cartoon penguins and polar bears.
The box is also plain, cardboard with nothing printed on it except for his name. There’s not even a From: Mother written underneath. He exhales deeply and lifts the lid carefully, not sure of what to expect.
Settled in the cave formed by Styrofoam is a new iPod Touch, the one he had been admiring at the department store when he and his mother last went shopping. It must’ve been months ago, since his mother doesn’t really like going out, and he handles most of the shopping. He takes it out and sees that it’s indeed the new fifth-generation iPod Touch, 64 gb, complete with 4g and songs preloaded into it.
As he scrolls through the short lists of songs, he feels his throat constrict, and there’s a burning behind his eyelids. They are old songs, songs he hasn’t listened to for a long time, but songs he listened to with his family.
They are songs his father would play on the guitar and songs his mother would sing. They are songs his parents would claim to be their song and songs that held a meaning only understood by him, and his mother, and his father.
They are songs that were played on repeat during his childhood, when all of them were together, when his mother and father didn’t fight, and his mother didn’t work all night long, and his father didn’t call once a year. They are songs that were characteristic to a happy family that Sehun thought he wouldn’t be able to see again in his entire life.
But as he presses play for the first song and closes his eyes, he thinks that he could almost see his father’s smile and hear his mother’s laugh.
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