Fragile 2/4
Title: Fragile
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: ‘I love you’ soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it’s normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
When he wakes up the next day, Yoochun knows something is definitely off. His head is pounding and the blankets seem to weigh him down, suffocating him. He moans softly as he pushes the covers off him, finding his whole body sweating. The small boy tries to walk, to walk downstairs and tell his mother he doesn’t feel well but his head starts spinning after he has taken one step and Yoochun decides it’d be better to lay down and rest.
He returns back to his bed and falls into an uncomfortable sleep. The memories keep haunting him and he keeps seeing the laughing faces of those nameless men. Yoochun wants to struggle but those men are too strong and he knows he can do nothing but be a brave boy and endure this hard task to prove his unconditional love for his mother. Yoochun is old enough to realize that life is not a bed of roses.
“Yoochun? Why are you not at school?” a voice asks, cutting through the heavy mists in his head. Slowly, he’s taken back to reality and Yoochun looks right in the brown and worried eyes of his mother. Before he can say anything, she puts a cool hand on his forehead and he knows that the burning temperature she’s feeling is no good sign. He closes his eyes again after his mother gives him the right medicines and he falls back into a restless sleep.
When he wakes up again, he doesn’t feel anything better. Actually, he feels even worse. Yoochun’s eyelids are heavy with sleep but he’s thirsty and decides to leave his room to drink some water. He gets out of his bed, swaying a little bit, but he manages to regain his balance and he goes to the kitchen where he gets himself a glass of water. “Do you know where my mother is?” he asks the maid, a girl whose name was still unknown to him after all those weeks he’s lived here.
“She’s gone to salsa classes,” the maid answers, her eyes shifting to the floor. She was actually kind of pretty with her small face, her big eyes and her pale complexion but Yoochun couldn’t care less about her appearance at the moment. She continues, “would you like to eat something? I’ve heard you haven’t eaten anything at all and I could make you anything you’d like.”
“No, thank you,” Yoochun answers, the thought of food being too nauseating at the moment. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to stand up straight without vomiting, the dizziness almost overpowering his small frame. “Do you know when my mother will be back? And is my father home already?”
“I wouldn’t know exactly but your mother told me she’d be home in two hours,” the maid speaks, “and your father is home right now. Are you sure you don’t want to eat something? I can make you some porridge.”
After politely declining her offer, Yoochun goes back to bed. He isn’t tired at all but he doesn’t have the energy to lift his heavy head so he just lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. He is scared, too scared that he’d be hunted by his nightmares again when he falls asleep. Yoochun bites his lip, cursing himself for being such a weakling. Everyone had to prove their love and nobody seemed to suffer from the consequences so why did he?
He hated himself for being so weak. His real father wouldn’t have liked it, his real father had always encouraged him to face the obstacles in his life and to fight them like a man. A bitter chuckle escaped from Yoochun’s lips as he realized how his father couldn’t even face his own obstacles and left his family with a great debt. Oh, the irony.
The young boy doesn’t know when he loses consciousness again, when he slips into one dream only to lose himself into another dream. The dreams are an incoherent and unconnected mess, leaping and flowing through each other, and Yoochun doesn’t know what’s reality and what’s fantasy. He only remembers this one dream - no, nightmare - where the door to his room is opened with a lot of squeaking. Yoochun remembers trying to open the heavy lids of his eyes but he isn’t able to.
He feels a gentle hand on his forehead and a soft whimper escapes from his mouth. His head hurts so much. “How are you?” a familiar voice asks and Yoochun realizes it’s his stepfather, “are you still in pain?”
The concern in his voice is obvious and it makes the small boy want to reassure his father, it makes him want to tell him that he’s okay and that there’s no need to worry for him. Yoochun tries to open his mouth, tries to form words with his tongue but his tongue feels like sandpaper and his lips are too dry. So he doesn’t reassure his father but only manages to croak something that sounds like ‘water’ but even he himself isn’t sure.
The sound of footsteps leaving and returning and Yoochun feels a cup put onto his lips. He drinks a little bit before falling back into a restless sleep.
He starts dreaming again. There’s a person next to him but instead of the gentle care he had received earlier from his father, this person is rougher. It takes Yoochun a few seconds to realize that there are hands, hands all over his body. He moans softly, trying to think around the heavy pain in his head but his attempt fails quite badly. It takes him another few minutes before he realizes that there are no longer blankets lying on his form and that he has no shirt on either.
Ah, it’s just a dream after all... Yoochun finds himself thinking and the pain in his head doesn’t make him question the situation anymore.
He doesn’t remember a lot, which does make sense to him since he doesn’t remember most of his dreams, and he isn’t sure about the things he was able to recollect. He vaguely remembers those hands, soft and gentle hands, resting on his heaving and sweating chest. Yoochun could swear remembering that one of those hands wandered off to reach for one of his nipples, twitching it, causing him to moan.
One hand slips under the elastic band of his sweatpants, cupping his balls and massaging it softly with the palm of his hand. Yoochun wants to wake up, wants to wake up so badly, but he can’t. His body refuses to work along and all he can do is lying limp on his own bed, his limbs refusing to function. He hears himself moaning, moans drenched with confusion but also pleasure and Yoochun knows that if this hadn’t been a dream, he would have been embarrassed of himself.
The hand continues stroking him, luring more moans out of his mouth. Yoochun knows his cheeks are flushed but he doesn’t know himself if it’s because of the fever or because of the sensation he’s feeling in his body. He doesn’t think too much of it because it’s a dream after all.
Yoochun doesn’t realize how it happened but before he knows it, he’s lying on his stomach and a cool breeze is brushing past his ass. He shivers against the cold, thinking this dream feels too real. It feels so vivid, so realistic, too vivid, too realistic. Doubt starts to creep into his mind and Yoochun isn’t sure anymore if this dream is real or not. Out of the blue, he feels something on his ass, hands that are cupping his cheeks and fear flares through his body. This disgusting feeling is too similar and Yoochun wants to run, wants to wake up from this nightmare.
His feverish body refuses to work along. When he feels something thin and slender intrude his hole, he finds himself squirming to get away from the touch. A scream leaves his mouth as he arches his back and his eyes flutter open in shock. For a moment, Yoochun is confused; is this a dream or reality? Even though his senses are clouded, the dream seems so vivid and real. It’s too dark in his room for him to be able to see anything except for dark outlines of objects and the person.
The finger is twisting in his body and Yoochun starts to struggle, starts trying to get away from the pain. However, a strong arm is holding him back, is pressing him into the bed and Yoochun knows this scene too well, this scene where he is being overpowered by someone. It’s the feeling as if the whole world is against him: even the stuffy air seems to press him down, making it hard to breathe, suffocating him.
Another finger is added and the fingers start to twist in him, pumping, spreading him. Yoochun whimpers softly. His face is being pressed into his pillow and he feels the fabric dampen under him and he finally realizes that he’s crying, though he doesn’t know for how long he has been sobbing. “Please... please...” he finds himself begging, although he doesn’t even know who he’s begging, who the person is that’s breaking him apart without any mercy, “please... don’t do this, don’t... don’t hurt me.”
A third finger is added mercilessly, the person above him ignoring his pleads. Yoochun is sobbing, sobbing so badly that his whole body is shaking. He had been used so many times, used to fulfill the needs of deprived men and he feels so gross and dirty. The mere thought of someone touching him is so repulsive that it’s clawing at him and threatening to break him apart. “Please... stop,” he moans weakly, his voice filled with tears but the person doesn’t listen to him.
Yoochun wants this nightmare to end so badly. Yet, his unconsciousness is taking him to the deep depths of the sea, showing him his greatest fears, submerging him, drowning him, suffocating him... killing him.
His body is shaking but he doesn’t know if it’s because of the turmoil of emotions inside his body or because of the person intruding him. Yoochun wants to struggle, wants to struggle so badly but the person is so much stronger and he can barely think around the heavy pain in his head.
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you...” the person says and the voice sends jolts down Yoochun’s spine. He starts trashing, struggling, fighting, anything to keep this man away from him. Just then, he feels the fingers leave his ass and a cold wind breezes past him but he doesn’t pay any attention to it. Yoochun grabs this chance to struggle, his arms flailing through the air while his legs are kicking around, trying to keep this person away from him. This person. The only person on the world that Yoochun wouldn’t allow to be inside him, no matter what happened.
This person he had learned to trust and love. This person he had given his world to.
Only to have his faith thrown away carelessly. As if it meant nothing.
He manages to hit his stepfather several times but his weakened and feverish body is no match for the strong man he had learned to love. His hand manages to hit something, something heavy and he’s disappointed that he didn’t hit his stepfather as he hears the item fall to the ground, shattering. “No, please don’t do this!” he screams as he feels a big and heavy lump nudging against his entrance. Silent sobs are leaving his mouth as he continues, his voice breaking, “Please, no, no, not you...”
Another scream leaves his mouth when the cock intrudes him, his body stretching around the length. He’s sobbing endlessly, waiting for the vivid pain to stop, waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
~
When Yoochun wakes up the next day, he isn’t sure if everything had been a nightmare. He fervently hopes so but his confused mind isn’t able to look at his dream objectively and it only increases his confusion. When he finally has enough courage to move his body, to see if his movements are followed by a sharp pain shooting through his spine, he only feels a numb pain. Yoochun isn’t sure if it’s because of his stepfather or because of the fever.
When he examines his body, looking for bruises on strange places, he’s left with nothing.
It doesn’t make him any wiser, only leaves him more confused, and when Yoochun walks downstairs to have his breakfast, sitting as far as possible from his stepfather, there aren’t any abnormal signs either. His stepfather behaves normally, even looking confused as to why Yoochun has placed himself so far from him, and tries to have some small talk with him. “Are you feeling better?” he asks and his gaze is so full of concern that it baffles Yoochun.
“Yes,” he answers courtly though he isn’t sure himself if he’s feeling better. His fever isn’t as bad as it had been for the past two days but just the mere thought of his confusing nightmare sickens him to the core. It confuses him even more that he doesn’t know if it was dream or reality and it leaves him with so much emotions that it feels as if his head is going to explode.
The situation had seemed so vivid. The pain had seemed so real, the humiliation so grave and the feeling of his trust being broken so intense. On the other hand, his feverish mind could have played a trick on him, gathering his memories and showing him scenes so vividly that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Yoochun had heard hallucinations seemed very realistic.
On the other hand, Dongmin acted as if nothing has happened, even asking him if there’s something wrong when he sees the confused and dazed look in Yoochun’s eyes. The little boy quickly answers there’s nothing and they continue eating.
Yoochun doesn’t know if the rape yesterday had been a product of his sick imagination, trying to process his trauma, or if his life really was supposed to be so twisted. He doesn’t know if he was supposed to live his whole life trying to prove his love for his loved ones.
He doesn’t know what to think when he can’t find his alarm clock anymore, the one which had always been standing besides his bedside.
He doesn’t know what to think when he finds the shattered remains of his alarm clock in a dustbin.
~
One day, Yoochun is watching a movie with his stepfather. The lights are off and they’re sitting on the bench, Yoochun on the left side and his father on the right. Their feet are resting on the place where normally a third person would be able to sit. They’re watching a movie, one which the boy doesn’t understands but watches anyway just because he doesn’t feel like sleeping. His mother had told him to sleep early but Dongmin had given him the opportunity to stay up late, telling his wife that they really wanted to watch this movie.
So Yoochun found himself alone in the living room with his father, watching a movie that was too hard for him to understand. The foreign sounds of another language are filling the room and his tired eyes are not able to read the subtitles fast enough. He doesn’t mind though, since he always had to lie in bed before ten o’clock and it was already past eleven now. It made him feel grown up, especially since his mother had already declared that she was going to bed half an hour ago.
His father had pulled out a bottle of red wine with a mischievous smile on his face, telling Yoochun that it was time for some bonding between father and son. He had poured himself a whole glass of wine while he had given Yoochun half a glass even though he had refused. Thinking that he shouldn’t spoil the mood, Yoochun had started to take small sips from the glass even though he didn’t like the bitter taste of the alcohol.
It isn’t until the commercial break that his stepfather opens his mouth, asking him, “Do you think of me as a father?”
Yoochun is scared - no, terrified - of this question so he only continues staring at the television. The moving images flicker before his eyes and he pretends to be emerged into the commercials but he can’t concentrate on the nonsensical and boring commercials about insurances, especially not when his stepfather is asking such questions. He fidgets and bites his lip in worry, the air filled with the thick presence of the awkward atmosphere.
It’s been weeks, months, since the incident has occurred... and Yoochun still doesn’t know if it had been just his imagination or if it had been reality, confused by the contradictory signs from his environment. His stepfather hadn’t behaved differently and thus, the small boy had decided that everything had been just a hallucination. Though he couldn’t be sure.
The uneasy feeling increases when Dongmin changes his position, shifting closer to his stepson. “Of course,” Yoochun mumbles, though his body language says something entirely different. He inches further away from his father, trying to be subtle, as he leans on the arm of the bench. He knows it’s wrong to do when his stepfather is trying to become closer to him especially since his father can’t do anything about his hallucinations but Yoochun can’t help himself. Not when he has been broken so many times before.
“You don’t have to force yourself. Don’t be ashamed, I can understand if it’s still hard to accept me,” A smile appears on Dongmin’s lips and the smile is so sad, so heartbreaking that it haunts Yoochun. He wants to open his mouth, to comfort the man, to tell him that it’s not because of him, but his stepfather continues, “Don’t worry, of course nobody can replace your own father. I’m not intending to do so either.”
“No, it’s not like that...” Yoochun objects. It really wasn’t. He had started to love the man, to love him like a second father and it hurt him that Dongmin was the one who was insecure about himself. He averts his eyes from the man, letting them rest on the flickering scenes from the movie which has started again. He doesn’t know what to say anymore, though he desperately wants to assure the man that he does think of him as a father.
The room goes silent again and Yoochun continues taking awkward sips from his glass of wine, something which he dislikes but he doesn’t know what else he has to do with his hands. He stares at the screen but he doesn’t understand what the movie is about and he has lost his interest and concentrating a long time ago. His eyelids are becoming heavy and his grip on the empty wine glass loosens up, the glass threatening to fall out of his hand. Yoochun isn’t used to drinking, he usually takes a few sips when he’s at weddings and other events, and even though it had been just half a glass of wine, he can already feel the alcohol kicking into his small body. His head is heavy with sleep, his cheeks are flushed and he wants nothing else but to fall asleep on the bench.
“Is there... something we can do?” his father asks, hesitating, causing Yoochun to catch himself from falling asleep. The boy is frowning, wondering where this question came from but his disorientated state doesn’t last long as Dongmin continues, “Something we can do to become closer. I really want to become closer with you.”
And it’s so heartbreaking, so so painful for Yoochun to watch as he sees his stepfather inch closer, discomfort written on his face though the boy understands that everything is said and done with the best intentions. His heart aches and he wants to reach out for his father, to assure him that there’s nothing wrong with him but that the distance between them is more caused by Yoochun himself. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to tell the childish reason behind his behavior. Who would act cold towards people just because of a nightmare?
“I... I don’t know... just give me time,” Yoochun is able to stammer, though he doesn’t know himself what he wants to do to become closer with his stepfather. All he wants now is to find an excuse to escape, a reason to end this awkward and too intimate conversation. He knows that the little alcohol is having an effect on his body when his father moves even closer and his own body remains slack and relaxed, not noticing that there should be alarm bells ringing in his head.
Synchronizing on the background, the movie was playing. The male main character moved closer to the female character lying on the bed, his hand moving closer to grasp her thigh and Yoochun hears the female gasp at the same time that his father’s hand makes contact with his skin. His breath hitches when he looks into the eyes of his stepfather, losing himself into the sadness it’s radiating.
His heart is aching to make everything better but something in him is too scared to act into his impulse of emotions. Yoochun doesn’t want to hurt his loved ones and he knows that it’s selfish of him, but he doesn’t want to get hurt himself either.
But he knows... He knows what he’d choose if he’d be forced to choose between the two options.
“You know that I’m trying, right? I’m giving it my all in order to create our own happy family,” Dongmin says and his hand reaches out, reaches out to cup Yoochun’s cheeks in a loving gesture. Yoochun is sure the gesture wasn’t meant in a bad way, wasn’t meant to hurt him, but he still isn’t able to suppress the urge to flinch when the hand makes contact with his skin.
He doesn’t even know why he’s acting like such a fool when his stepfather only has good intentions. Yoochun really hated himself, this weak and pathetic side of him that could do nothing right.
His stepfather immediately pulls his hand back but their bodies are still close to each other, too close to be called comfortable and Yoochun has to admit that the make-out scene on television isn’t helping to lighten up the awkward atmosphere either. He feels so guilty, so terribly guilty, that he opens his mouth before thinking, his trembling voice leaving his mouth, “I don’t mean it like this. It was never, never, my intention to hurt you. I’ve always wanted to become one big family too.”
He wants to tell his father that it isn’t his fault, that it’s because of Yoochun himself, but he doesn’t want to give a ‘no, it’s not you, it’s me’-talk. He takes a shaky breath and before he can catch any words, he’s blurting it all out, “It’s all my fault. Tell me what I have to do... to make you feel at ease. To make you feel loved.”
But he already knows the answer, or he thinks he knows the answer, and he moves closer to his father, moves closer to the path that will lead to pain. Silent tears start to form in his eyes but Yoochun doesn’t stop himself, only moves closer, and his lips meet his father’s. He kisses him, softly, gently, trying to show his love. He hears the muffled sounds of sex filling the room as the main characters of the movie start to make out and he feels awkward and scared, scared for what’s to come.
But he doesn’t expect the reaction of his father.
His stepfather pulls back and looks at him with an expression filled with shock. “What are you doing?” he asks.
Yoochun ignores it. He moves closer again, his heart jumping out of his chest, as he makes another attempt to kiss his stepfather. His hands are moving, moving to unzip the pants of his father but his hands are trembling so badly that it doesn’t go very fast. Silent tears are running over his cheeks and he’s scared, so scared, but he doesn’t want to disappoint his stepfather. “Showing you my acceptance,” he whispers, the sound barely louder than their breaths. He doesn’t want to think anymore. He wants to act as fast as possible because that’d mean it’d be over faster.
This feels so different than normal. Normally, Yoochun was on the receiving and unwilling end but in this case, he’s the one who is leading. He doesn’t want to, but it’s as if he’s on autopilot, leading his trembling hands to go under the boxers of the man.
He hears his stepfather whimper above him and the weak resistance of his father disappears when Yoochun’s skilled hands start to stroke his stepfather’s penis. Tears are still falling but Yoochun is more determined now, wanting nothing else than to show his father that he is loved, that he is accepted and that they will become one happy family. Even if he has to sacrifice his own sanity for it.
~
After that night, things don’t become more awkward between the two men. Yoochun is confused, too confused to think about things without getting a headache and just lets things come over him. Sometimes, his father touches Yoochun’s body when he teases him and it only leaves his head in a big turmoil of memories, thoughts and emotions.
Dongmin has declared that they once in the week on the Thursday, they’ll do something together to bond with each other. Yoochun agrees, though it’s more half-hearted than truly meant, and it’s only good coincidence that his mother has to leave every Thursday for salsa classes. Yoochun knows what bonding with each other means and every Thursday, he finds himself on his knees with a cock in his mouth. Every Thursday, he finds himself being torn apart.
Every Thursday night, he can’t sleep. His mind keeps wandering back to the events of the day and he feels thoroughly disgusted with himself. Every Thursday night, he finds himself hanging over the toilet. Tears will run over his cheeks but Yoochun doesn’t know if they are tears of sadness or tears of happiness. The feeling of being torn apart every time leaves him nothing than sorrow. But he’s happy. Happy that he can make his father feel accepted in their little family. Happy that he’s someone his stepfather can accept as a second son.
~
When Yoochun is twelve years and four months old, he meets Changmin for the first time.
He’s different from what Yoochun had imagined. Changmin was very distant, moody and he didn’t like to answer in full sentences. However, he was also very handsome, tall, tan and muscular. His stepbrother seemed to have aged so many years since the family picture Yoochun liked to stare at had been taken. The first thing Changmin had said when he had entered the house was, “Don’t think I’ll be staying for a long time. It’s just that Jaejoong isn’t in Seoul right now and while he’s busy fucking all the women in Ibiza and partying his ass off, he knows I have to stay here. I’d rather go to a fucking hotel.”
It had shaken the perfect image Yoochun had of him up.
However, Yoochun wasn’t discouraged by the rude behavior of his stepbrother. He had bowed down deeply, a sign that he respected this man he had heard so many stories about, and he had introduced himself as Park Yoochun. “It’s so nice to finally meet you,” he had added enthusiastically (though it sounded more like exulting if he had to be honest), “I’ve heard so many stories about you. I’m Park Yoochu- oh wait, I’ve already mentioned that, right?”
A nervous hyena-like laugh had escaped from Yoochun’s lips.
How he wanted to hit himself for behaving like such a fool.
But it was such a special occasion for Yoochun. He had waited for this moment to happen ever since he heard about Changmin’s existence; the little boy had always wanted to have a brother. And he had so much respect for his stepbrother who had fought for his country, who had shed his blood in the front lines, who had scrambled through the mud every day. Changmin had became an idol for him, someone who he looked up to and someone he wanted to be like.
“I’m Changmin. I guess there’s no need to say more since you already know so much about me,” the man had courtly replied before barging into the house with his suitcase. He had gone to the room which Yoochun had always believed to be Changmin’s and the door had shut with a loud bang.
“Did I... did I say something wrong?” Yoochun had asked, tears in his eyes. His mother had shaken her head before leaving the room to go to the kitchen, to prepare the meal for the family. Yoochun didn’t know if she had shaken her head as an answer to his question or if she had just shaken her head disapprovingly because of Changmin’s rude behavior. His clueless eyes rested questioningly on the distraught face of his father.
“Don’t worry, he has always been like this. I guess he just isn’t very used to sharing this house with other people. You have to understand that he never had to share me with anyone else,” Dongmin had said, a comforting smile appearing on his face. However, the little Yoochun had enough experience with faking smiles that he knew when one was real and when one was fake. And this one was definitely fake. “I’ll talk some sense into him... how about you go help your mother?”
Yoochun had obediently left to help his mother prepare dinner.
While he was cutting the vegetables into even pieces, he could hear the screaming voice of an angry Changmin from upstairs. Yoochun’s hands were trembling while he tried to decipher the words the son was screaming to his father, scared that he had ruined the relationship between father and son.
“I fucking don’t want to live with... You can’t force me... You think I’d be able to walk around in this house... I’m gone the moment Jaejoong or Kyuhyun... room for me... Say I’m egoistic?! Just calm the shit down... you’re capable of! You even have to ask me for a reason?! I think it was clear enough when...” the angry voice of Changmin sounded. Yoochun was trembling, shivers running down his spine when he heard the anger and hatred in the voice of his stepbrother. He had imagined this day completely different.
He had thought that Changmin would have been accepting of them. He had thought they could finally become one big and happy family, something which Yoochun had fervently wished for. He had thought that their whole family would be happy: his father would be happy to be finally reunited with his son and his mother and he would be happy to finally meet Changmin. Yoochun hadn’t expected that Changmin would be so angry after his absence of two years. He hadn’t expected Changmin to not accept them.
His father was whispering things back, speaking too low for Yoochun to hear. It sounded as if he wanted to calm his son down, to bring him back to his senses.
“Why don’t you understand it? We can never be one big family! Not after... The mere thought of living in the same house with you and your new family disgusts me!” It was too much. Yoochun didn’t want to hear any of it anymore. Why was he even listening to this conversation they were having? He wasn’t supposed to hear this...
His vision became blurry with tears. He had tried so hard to become one big family. He had such high expectations of his stepbrother... and it was all shattered. Yoochun had never expected that he wouldn’t be able to get along with his stepbrother, especially not because Dongmin had always said that their personalities fit together perfectly. His hands were trembling, trembling so badly because he was scared that his wish of being part of a happy family again seemed so far away now.
“Ouch!” he exclaimed when he felt a pain pierce his finger.
He tried to blink his tears away but even through his blurred vision, he was able to see the red dripping out of his finger.
“Yah! Be careful!” the voice of his mother screamed to him. Before Yoochun was able to blink twice, his mother was already next to him, taking care of him. “Don’t cry, shh. The cut must hurt a lot. Where are you with your thoughts, silly boy? Pay more attention!”
“What about... what about Changmin?” Yoochun said, still crying. He didn’t really care about the wound in his finger; the physical pain wasn’t able to get his mind off the emotional terror he was feeling inside. The words his stepbrother had spoken were tearing his dream apart, his wish to be part of a happy family one day. The words were clawing at him, ripping a big and black hole into his body. It was as if he was falling, falling into a never ending nightmare where he wasn’t able to wake up from.
“Don’t worry about him. Even though he’s twenty-three years old, he’s still a little child from the inside. He’s just throwing a tantrum, don’t worry. Now, you go sit there while I continue to cook, okay?” his mother answered him, smiling reassuringly. “Don’t cry anymore!”
Yoochun sat down, looking at the beautiful back frame of his mother. He wanted to stop his running tears so badly but he wasn’t able to. He wanted to remember the feeling of a happy and united family so badly... Was he egoistic for asking?
------------
A/N: I'm not going to update for a while because I have an exam next week and I'm going to die studying for it lol XD There'll be more Yoomin in the next chapters! (Right, chapters, because I think this story will have four chapters in total now lol xD Things always turn out differently than how I intended them to be).
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: ‘I love you’ soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it’s normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
When he wakes up the next day, Yoochun knows something is definitely off. His head is pounding and the blankets seem to weigh him down, suffocating him. He moans softly as he pushes the covers off him, finding his whole body sweating. The small boy tries to walk, to walk downstairs and tell his mother he doesn’t feel well but his head starts spinning after he has taken one step and Yoochun decides it’d be better to lay down and rest.
He returns back to his bed and falls into an uncomfortable sleep. The memories keep haunting him and he keeps seeing the laughing faces of those nameless men. Yoochun wants to struggle but those men are too strong and he knows he can do nothing but be a brave boy and endure this hard task to prove his unconditional love for his mother. Yoochun is old enough to realize that life is not a bed of roses.
“Yoochun? Why are you not at school?” a voice asks, cutting through the heavy mists in his head. Slowly, he’s taken back to reality and Yoochun looks right in the brown and worried eyes of his mother. Before he can say anything, she puts a cool hand on his forehead and he knows that the burning temperature she’s feeling is no good sign. He closes his eyes again after his mother gives him the right medicines and he falls back into a restless sleep.
When he wakes up again, he doesn’t feel anything better. Actually, he feels even worse. Yoochun’s eyelids are heavy with sleep but he’s thirsty and decides to leave his room to drink some water. He gets out of his bed, swaying a little bit, but he manages to regain his balance and he goes to the kitchen where he gets himself a glass of water. “Do you know where my mother is?” he asks the maid, a girl whose name was still unknown to him after all those weeks he’s lived here.
“She’s gone to salsa classes,” the maid answers, her eyes shifting to the floor. She was actually kind of pretty with her small face, her big eyes and her pale complexion but Yoochun couldn’t care less about her appearance at the moment. She continues, “would you like to eat something? I’ve heard you haven’t eaten anything at all and I could make you anything you’d like.”
“No, thank you,” Yoochun answers, the thought of food being too nauseating at the moment. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to stand up straight without vomiting, the dizziness almost overpowering his small frame. “Do you know when my mother will be back? And is my father home already?”
“I wouldn’t know exactly but your mother told me she’d be home in two hours,” the maid speaks, “and your father is home right now. Are you sure you don’t want to eat something? I can make you some porridge.”
After politely declining her offer, Yoochun goes back to bed. He isn’t tired at all but he doesn’t have the energy to lift his heavy head so he just lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. He is scared, too scared that he’d be hunted by his nightmares again when he falls asleep. Yoochun bites his lip, cursing himself for being such a weakling. Everyone had to prove their love and nobody seemed to suffer from the consequences so why did he?
He hated himself for being so weak. His real father wouldn’t have liked it, his real father had always encouraged him to face the obstacles in his life and to fight them like a man. A bitter chuckle escaped from Yoochun’s lips as he realized how his father couldn’t even face his own obstacles and left his family with a great debt. Oh, the irony.
The young boy doesn’t know when he loses consciousness again, when he slips into one dream only to lose himself into another dream. The dreams are an incoherent and unconnected mess, leaping and flowing through each other, and Yoochun doesn’t know what’s reality and what’s fantasy. He only remembers this one dream - no, nightmare - where the door to his room is opened with a lot of squeaking. Yoochun remembers trying to open the heavy lids of his eyes but he isn’t able to.
He feels a gentle hand on his forehead and a soft whimper escapes from his mouth. His head hurts so much. “How are you?” a familiar voice asks and Yoochun realizes it’s his stepfather, “are you still in pain?”
The concern in his voice is obvious and it makes the small boy want to reassure his father, it makes him want to tell him that he’s okay and that there’s no need to worry for him. Yoochun tries to open his mouth, tries to form words with his tongue but his tongue feels like sandpaper and his lips are too dry. So he doesn’t reassure his father but only manages to croak something that sounds like ‘water’ but even he himself isn’t sure.
The sound of footsteps leaving and returning and Yoochun feels a cup put onto his lips. He drinks a little bit before falling back into a restless sleep.
He starts dreaming again. There’s a person next to him but instead of the gentle care he had received earlier from his father, this person is rougher. It takes Yoochun a few seconds to realize that there are hands, hands all over his body. He moans softly, trying to think around the heavy pain in his head but his attempt fails quite badly. It takes him another few minutes before he realizes that there are no longer blankets lying on his form and that he has no shirt on either.
Ah, it’s just a dream after all... Yoochun finds himself thinking and the pain in his head doesn’t make him question the situation anymore.
He doesn’t remember a lot, which does make sense to him since he doesn’t remember most of his dreams, and he isn’t sure about the things he was able to recollect. He vaguely remembers those hands, soft and gentle hands, resting on his heaving and sweating chest. Yoochun could swear remembering that one of those hands wandered off to reach for one of his nipples, twitching it, causing him to moan.
One hand slips under the elastic band of his sweatpants, cupping his balls and massaging it softly with the palm of his hand. Yoochun wants to wake up, wants to wake up so badly, but he can’t. His body refuses to work along and all he can do is lying limp on his own bed, his limbs refusing to function. He hears himself moaning, moans drenched with confusion but also pleasure and Yoochun knows that if this hadn’t been a dream, he would have been embarrassed of himself.
The hand continues stroking him, luring more moans out of his mouth. Yoochun knows his cheeks are flushed but he doesn’t know himself if it’s because of the fever or because of the sensation he’s feeling in his body. He doesn’t think too much of it because it’s a dream after all.
Yoochun doesn’t realize how it happened but before he knows it, he’s lying on his stomach and a cool breeze is brushing past his ass. He shivers against the cold, thinking this dream feels too real. It feels so vivid, so realistic, too vivid, too realistic. Doubt starts to creep into his mind and Yoochun isn’t sure anymore if this dream is real or not. Out of the blue, he feels something on his ass, hands that are cupping his cheeks and fear flares through his body. This disgusting feeling is too similar and Yoochun wants to run, wants to wake up from this nightmare.
His feverish body refuses to work along. When he feels something thin and slender intrude his hole, he finds himself squirming to get away from the touch. A scream leaves his mouth as he arches his back and his eyes flutter open in shock. For a moment, Yoochun is confused; is this a dream or reality? Even though his senses are clouded, the dream seems so vivid and real. It’s too dark in his room for him to be able to see anything except for dark outlines of objects and the person.
The finger is twisting in his body and Yoochun starts to struggle, starts trying to get away from the pain. However, a strong arm is holding him back, is pressing him into the bed and Yoochun knows this scene too well, this scene where he is being overpowered by someone. It’s the feeling as if the whole world is against him: even the stuffy air seems to press him down, making it hard to breathe, suffocating him.
Another finger is added and the fingers start to twist in him, pumping, spreading him. Yoochun whimpers softly. His face is being pressed into his pillow and he feels the fabric dampen under him and he finally realizes that he’s crying, though he doesn’t know for how long he has been sobbing. “Please... please...” he finds himself begging, although he doesn’t even know who he’s begging, who the person is that’s breaking him apart without any mercy, “please... don’t do this, don’t... don’t hurt me.”
A third finger is added mercilessly, the person above him ignoring his pleads. Yoochun is sobbing, sobbing so badly that his whole body is shaking. He had been used so many times, used to fulfill the needs of deprived men and he feels so gross and dirty. The mere thought of someone touching him is so repulsive that it’s clawing at him and threatening to break him apart. “Please... stop,” he moans weakly, his voice filled with tears but the person doesn’t listen to him.
Yoochun wants this nightmare to end so badly. Yet, his unconsciousness is taking him to the deep depths of the sea, showing him his greatest fears, submerging him, drowning him, suffocating him... killing him.
His body is shaking but he doesn’t know if it’s because of the turmoil of emotions inside his body or because of the person intruding him. Yoochun wants to struggle, wants to struggle so badly but the person is so much stronger and he can barely think around the heavy pain in his head.
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you...” the person says and the voice sends jolts down Yoochun’s spine. He starts trashing, struggling, fighting, anything to keep this man away from him. Just then, he feels the fingers leave his ass and a cold wind breezes past him but he doesn’t pay any attention to it. Yoochun grabs this chance to struggle, his arms flailing through the air while his legs are kicking around, trying to keep this person away from him. This person. The only person on the world that Yoochun wouldn’t allow to be inside him, no matter what happened.
This person he had learned to trust and love. This person he had given his world to.
Only to have his faith thrown away carelessly. As if it meant nothing.
He manages to hit his stepfather several times but his weakened and feverish body is no match for the strong man he had learned to love. His hand manages to hit something, something heavy and he’s disappointed that he didn’t hit his stepfather as he hears the item fall to the ground, shattering. “No, please don’t do this!” he screams as he feels a big and heavy lump nudging against his entrance. Silent sobs are leaving his mouth as he continues, his voice breaking, “Please, no, no, not you...”
Another scream leaves his mouth when the cock intrudes him, his body stretching around the length. He’s sobbing endlessly, waiting for the vivid pain to stop, waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
~
When Yoochun wakes up the next day, he isn’t sure if everything had been a nightmare. He fervently hopes so but his confused mind isn’t able to look at his dream objectively and it only increases his confusion. When he finally has enough courage to move his body, to see if his movements are followed by a sharp pain shooting through his spine, he only feels a numb pain. Yoochun isn’t sure if it’s because of his stepfather or because of the fever.
When he examines his body, looking for bruises on strange places, he’s left with nothing.
It doesn’t make him any wiser, only leaves him more confused, and when Yoochun walks downstairs to have his breakfast, sitting as far as possible from his stepfather, there aren’t any abnormal signs either. His stepfather behaves normally, even looking confused as to why Yoochun has placed himself so far from him, and tries to have some small talk with him. “Are you feeling better?” he asks and his gaze is so full of concern that it baffles Yoochun.
“Yes,” he answers courtly though he isn’t sure himself if he’s feeling better. His fever isn’t as bad as it had been for the past two days but just the mere thought of his confusing nightmare sickens him to the core. It confuses him even more that he doesn’t know if it was dream or reality and it leaves him with so much emotions that it feels as if his head is going to explode.
The situation had seemed so vivid. The pain had seemed so real, the humiliation so grave and the feeling of his trust being broken so intense. On the other hand, his feverish mind could have played a trick on him, gathering his memories and showing him scenes so vividly that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Yoochun had heard hallucinations seemed very realistic.
On the other hand, Dongmin acted as if nothing has happened, even asking him if there’s something wrong when he sees the confused and dazed look in Yoochun’s eyes. The little boy quickly answers there’s nothing and they continue eating.
Yoochun doesn’t know if the rape yesterday had been a product of his sick imagination, trying to process his trauma, or if his life really was supposed to be so twisted. He doesn’t know if he was supposed to live his whole life trying to prove his love for his loved ones.
He doesn’t know what to think when he can’t find his alarm clock anymore, the one which had always been standing besides his bedside.
He doesn’t know what to think when he finds the shattered remains of his alarm clock in a dustbin.
~
One day, Yoochun is watching a movie with his stepfather. The lights are off and they’re sitting on the bench, Yoochun on the left side and his father on the right. Their feet are resting on the place where normally a third person would be able to sit. They’re watching a movie, one which the boy doesn’t understands but watches anyway just because he doesn’t feel like sleeping. His mother had told him to sleep early but Dongmin had given him the opportunity to stay up late, telling his wife that they really wanted to watch this movie.
So Yoochun found himself alone in the living room with his father, watching a movie that was too hard for him to understand. The foreign sounds of another language are filling the room and his tired eyes are not able to read the subtitles fast enough. He doesn’t mind though, since he always had to lie in bed before ten o’clock and it was already past eleven now. It made him feel grown up, especially since his mother had already declared that she was going to bed half an hour ago.
His father had pulled out a bottle of red wine with a mischievous smile on his face, telling Yoochun that it was time for some bonding between father and son. He had poured himself a whole glass of wine while he had given Yoochun half a glass even though he had refused. Thinking that he shouldn’t spoil the mood, Yoochun had started to take small sips from the glass even though he didn’t like the bitter taste of the alcohol.
It isn’t until the commercial break that his stepfather opens his mouth, asking him, “Do you think of me as a father?”
Yoochun is scared - no, terrified - of this question so he only continues staring at the television. The moving images flicker before his eyes and he pretends to be emerged into the commercials but he can’t concentrate on the nonsensical and boring commercials about insurances, especially not when his stepfather is asking such questions. He fidgets and bites his lip in worry, the air filled with the thick presence of the awkward atmosphere.
It’s been weeks, months, since the incident has occurred... and Yoochun still doesn’t know if it had been just his imagination or if it had been reality, confused by the contradictory signs from his environment. His stepfather hadn’t behaved differently and thus, the small boy had decided that everything had been just a hallucination. Though he couldn’t be sure.
The uneasy feeling increases when Dongmin changes his position, shifting closer to his stepson. “Of course,” Yoochun mumbles, though his body language says something entirely different. He inches further away from his father, trying to be subtle, as he leans on the arm of the bench. He knows it’s wrong to do when his stepfather is trying to become closer to him especially since his father can’t do anything about his hallucinations but Yoochun can’t help himself. Not when he has been broken so many times before.
“You don’t have to force yourself. Don’t be ashamed, I can understand if it’s still hard to accept me,” A smile appears on Dongmin’s lips and the smile is so sad, so heartbreaking that it haunts Yoochun. He wants to open his mouth, to comfort the man, to tell him that it’s not because of him, but his stepfather continues, “Don’t worry, of course nobody can replace your own father. I’m not intending to do so either.”
“No, it’s not like that...” Yoochun objects. It really wasn’t. He had started to love the man, to love him like a second father and it hurt him that Dongmin was the one who was insecure about himself. He averts his eyes from the man, letting them rest on the flickering scenes from the movie which has started again. He doesn’t know what to say anymore, though he desperately wants to assure the man that he does think of him as a father.
The room goes silent again and Yoochun continues taking awkward sips from his glass of wine, something which he dislikes but he doesn’t know what else he has to do with his hands. He stares at the screen but he doesn’t understand what the movie is about and he has lost his interest and concentrating a long time ago. His eyelids are becoming heavy and his grip on the empty wine glass loosens up, the glass threatening to fall out of his hand. Yoochun isn’t used to drinking, he usually takes a few sips when he’s at weddings and other events, and even though it had been just half a glass of wine, he can already feel the alcohol kicking into his small body. His head is heavy with sleep, his cheeks are flushed and he wants nothing else but to fall asleep on the bench.
“Is there... something we can do?” his father asks, hesitating, causing Yoochun to catch himself from falling asleep. The boy is frowning, wondering where this question came from but his disorientated state doesn’t last long as Dongmin continues, “Something we can do to become closer. I really want to become closer with you.”
And it’s so heartbreaking, so so painful for Yoochun to watch as he sees his stepfather inch closer, discomfort written on his face though the boy understands that everything is said and done with the best intentions. His heart aches and he wants to reach out for his father, to assure him that there’s nothing wrong with him but that the distance between them is more caused by Yoochun himself. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to tell the childish reason behind his behavior. Who would act cold towards people just because of a nightmare?
“I... I don’t know... just give me time,” Yoochun is able to stammer, though he doesn’t know himself what he wants to do to become closer with his stepfather. All he wants now is to find an excuse to escape, a reason to end this awkward and too intimate conversation. He knows that the little alcohol is having an effect on his body when his father moves even closer and his own body remains slack and relaxed, not noticing that there should be alarm bells ringing in his head.
Synchronizing on the background, the movie was playing. The male main character moved closer to the female character lying on the bed, his hand moving closer to grasp her thigh and Yoochun hears the female gasp at the same time that his father’s hand makes contact with his skin. His breath hitches when he looks into the eyes of his stepfather, losing himself into the sadness it’s radiating.
His heart is aching to make everything better but something in him is too scared to act into his impulse of emotions. Yoochun doesn’t want to hurt his loved ones and he knows that it’s selfish of him, but he doesn’t want to get hurt himself either.
But he knows... He knows what he’d choose if he’d be forced to choose between the two options.
“You know that I’m trying, right? I’m giving it my all in order to create our own happy family,” Dongmin says and his hand reaches out, reaches out to cup Yoochun’s cheeks in a loving gesture. Yoochun is sure the gesture wasn’t meant in a bad way, wasn’t meant to hurt him, but he still isn’t able to suppress the urge to flinch when the hand makes contact with his skin.
He doesn’t even know why he’s acting like such a fool when his stepfather only has good intentions. Yoochun really hated himself, this weak and pathetic side of him that could do nothing right.
His stepfather immediately pulls his hand back but their bodies are still close to each other, too close to be called comfortable and Yoochun has to admit that the make-out scene on television isn’t helping to lighten up the awkward atmosphere either. He feels so guilty, so terribly guilty, that he opens his mouth before thinking, his trembling voice leaving his mouth, “I don’t mean it like this. It was never, never, my intention to hurt you. I’ve always wanted to become one big family too.”
He wants to tell his father that it isn’t his fault, that it’s because of Yoochun himself, but he doesn’t want to give a ‘no, it’s not you, it’s me’-talk. He takes a shaky breath and before he can catch any words, he’s blurting it all out, “It’s all my fault. Tell me what I have to do... to make you feel at ease. To make you feel loved.”
But he already knows the answer, or he thinks he knows the answer, and he moves closer to his father, moves closer to the path that will lead to pain. Silent tears start to form in his eyes but Yoochun doesn’t stop himself, only moves closer, and his lips meet his father’s. He kisses him, softly, gently, trying to show his love. He hears the muffled sounds of sex filling the room as the main characters of the movie start to make out and he feels awkward and scared, scared for what’s to come.
But he doesn’t expect the reaction of his father.
His stepfather pulls back and looks at him with an expression filled with shock. “What are you doing?” he asks.
Yoochun ignores it. He moves closer again, his heart jumping out of his chest, as he makes another attempt to kiss his stepfather. His hands are moving, moving to unzip the pants of his father but his hands are trembling so badly that it doesn’t go very fast. Silent tears are running over his cheeks and he’s scared, so scared, but he doesn’t want to disappoint his stepfather. “Showing you my acceptance,” he whispers, the sound barely louder than their breaths. He doesn’t want to think anymore. He wants to act as fast as possible because that’d mean it’d be over faster.
This feels so different than normal. Normally, Yoochun was on the receiving and unwilling end but in this case, he’s the one who is leading. He doesn’t want to, but it’s as if he’s on autopilot, leading his trembling hands to go under the boxers of the man.
He hears his stepfather whimper above him and the weak resistance of his father disappears when Yoochun’s skilled hands start to stroke his stepfather’s penis. Tears are still falling but Yoochun is more determined now, wanting nothing else than to show his father that he is loved, that he is accepted and that they will become one happy family. Even if he has to sacrifice his own sanity for it.
~
After that night, things don’t become more awkward between the two men. Yoochun is confused, too confused to think about things without getting a headache and just lets things come over him. Sometimes, his father touches Yoochun’s body when he teases him and it only leaves his head in a big turmoil of memories, thoughts and emotions.
Dongmin has declared that they once in the week on the Thursday, they’ll do something together to bond with each other. Yoochun agrees, though it’s more half-hearted than truly meant, and it’s only good coincidence that his mother has to leave every Thursday for salsa classes. Yoochun knows what bonding with each other means and every Thursday, he finds himself on his knees with a cock in his mouth. Every Thursday, he finds himself being torn apart.
Every Thursday night, he can’t sleep. His mind keeps wandering back to the events of the day and he feels thoroughly disgusted with himself. Every Thursday night, he finds himself hanging over the toilet. Tears will run over his cheeks but Yoochun doesn’t know if they are tears of sadness or tears of happiness. The feeling of being torn apart every time leaves him nothing than sorrow. But he’s happy. Happy that he can make his father feel accepted in their little family. Happy that he’s someone his stepfather can accept as a second son.
~
When Yoochun is twelve years and four months old, he meets Changmin for the first time.
He’s different from what Yoochun had imagined. Changmin was very distant, moody and he didn’t like to answer in full sentences. However, he was also very handsome, tall, tan and muscular. His stepbrother seemed to have aged so many years since the family picture Yoochun liked to stare at had been taken. The first thing Changmin had said when he had entered the house was, “Don’t think I’ll be staying for a long time. It’s just that Jaejoong isn’t in Seoul right now and while he’s busy fucking all the women in Ibiza and partying his ass off, he knows I have to stay here. I’d rather go to a fucking hotel.”
It had shaken the perfect image Yoochun had of him up.
However, Yoochun wasn’t discouraged by the rude behavior of his stepbrother. He had bowed down deeply, a sign that he respected this man he had heard so many stories about, and he had introduced himself as Park Yoochun. “It’s so nice to finally meet you,” he had added enthusiastically (though it sounded more like exulting if he had to be honest), “I’ve heard so many stories about you. I’m Park Yoochu- oh wait, I’ve already mentioned that, right?”
A nervous hyena-like laugh had escaped from Yoochun’s lips.
How he wanted to hit himself for behaving like such a fool.
But it was such a special occasion for Yoochun. He had waited for this moment to happen ever since he heard about Changmin’s existence; the little boy had always wanted to have a brother. And he had so much respect for his stepbrother who had fought for his country, who had shed his blood in the front lines, who had scrambled through the mud every day. Changmin had became an idol for him, someone who he looked up to and someone he wanted to be like.
“I’m Changmin. I guess there’s no need to say more since you already know so much about me,” the man had courtly replied before barging into the house with his suitcase. He had gone to the room which Yoochun had always believed to be Changmin’s and the door had shut with a loud bang.
“Did I... did I say something wrong?” Yoochun had asked, tears in his eyes. His mother had shaken her head before leaving the room to go to the kitchen, to prepare the meal for the family. Yoochun didn’t know if she had shaken her head as an answer to his question or if she had just shaken her head disapprovingly because of Changmin’s rude behavior. His clueless eyes rested questioningly on the distraught face of his father.
“Don’t worry, he has always been like this. I guess he just isn’t very used to sharing this house with other people. You have to understand that he never had to share me with anyone else,” Dongmin had said, a comforting smile appearing on his face. However, the little Yoochun had enough experience with faking smiles that he knew when one was real and when one was fake. And this one was definitely fake. “I’ll talk some sense into him... how about you go help your mother?”
Yoochun had obediently left to help his mother prepare dinner.
While he was cutting the vegetables into even pieces, he could hear the screaming voice of an angry Changmin from upstairs. Yoochun’s hands were trembling while he tried to decipher the words the son was screaming to his father, scared that he had ruined the relationship between father and son.
“I fucking don’t want to live with... You can’t force me... You think I’d be able to walk around in this house... I’m gone the moment Jaejoong or Kyuhyun... room for me... Say I’m egoistic?! Just calm the shit down... you’re capable of! You even have to ask me for a reason?! I think it was clear enough when...” the angry voice of Changmin sounded. Yoochun was trembling, shivers running down his spine when he heard the anger and hatred in the voice of his stepbrother. He had imagined this day completely different.
He had thought that Changmin would have been accepting of them. He had thought they could finally become one big and happy family, something which Yoochun had fervently wished for. He had thought that their whole family would be happy: his father would be happy to be finally reunited with his son and his mother and he would be happy to finally meet Changmin. Yoochun hadn’t expected that Changmin would be so angry after his absence of two years. He hadn’t expected Changmin to not accept them.
His father was whispering things back, speaking too low for Yoochun to hear. It sounded as if he wanted to calm his son down, to bring him back to his senses.
“Why don’t you understand it? We can never be one big family! Not after... The mere thought of living in the same house with you and your new family disgusts me!” It was too much. Yoochun didn’t want to hear any of it anymore. Why was he even listening to this conversation they were having? He wasn’t supposed to hear this...
His vision became blurry with tears. He had tried so hard to become one big family. He had such high expectations of his stepbrother... and it was all shattered. Yoochun had never expected that he wouldn’t be able to get along with his stepbrother, especially not because Dongmin had always said that their personalities fit together perfectly. His hands were trembling, trembling so badly because he was scared that his wish of being part of a happy family again seemed so far away now.
“Ouch!” he exclaimed when he felt a pain pierce his finger.
He tried to blink his tears away but even through his blurred vision, he was able to see the red dripping out of his finger.
“Yah! Be careful!” the voice of his mother screamed to him. Before Yoochun was able to blink twice, his mother was already next to him, taking care of him. “Don’t cry, shh. The cut must hurt a lot. Where are you with your thoughts, silly boy? Pay more attention!”
“What about... what about Changmin?” Yoochun said, still crying. He didn’t really care about the wound in his finger; the physical pain wasn’t able to get his mind off the emotional terror he was feeling inside. The words his stepbrother had spoken were tearing his dream apart, his wish to be part of a happy family one day. The words were clawing at him, ripping a big and black hole into his body. It was as if he was falling, falling into a never ending nightmare where he wasn’t able to wake up from.
“Don’t worry about him. Even though he’s twenty-three years old, he’s still a little child from the inside. He’s just throwing a tantrum, don’t worry. Now, you go sit there while I continue to cook, okay?” his mother answered him, smiling reassuringly. “Don’t cry anymore!”
Yoochun sat down, looking at the beautiful back frame of his mother. He wanted to stop his running tears so badly but he wasn’t able to. He wanted to remember the feeling of a happy and united family so badly... Was he egoistic for asking?
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A/N: I'm not going to update for a while because I have an exam next week and I'm going to die studying for it lol XD There'll be more Yoomin in the next chapters! (Right, chapters, because I think this story will have four chapters in total now lol xD Things always turn out differently than how I intended them to be).