Nightmare
Title: Nightmare
Pairing: Changmin x Yunho, Jaejoong x Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I wish they were mine so I could lock all five members of DBSK up in a room and force them to reconcile.
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Length: Oneshot
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, lawsuit
The nightmares will always come.
Ever since they have left them, Changmin is scared of going to sleep. When the sky colours a faint glow of blue yellow red, it becomes difficult for him to swallow. When the sun slowly disappears behind the horizon, his hands will start trembling. When the light day finally makes place for the dreadful and dark night, Changmin can’t concentrate on doing anything anymore.
The thought of going to bed scares him. When he closes his eyes, he can feel the suffocating grip of life on his throat and he’s scared of so many things. His mind will start racing around and he’ll start pondering and worrying about everything he could have done to prevent them from leaving him. Thoughts will jump at him, attacking him, and his stomach will clench in unease, his nails will dig into the soft flesh of his arms and there’ll be a squeezing pressure on his throat... because having to look back at his foolishness in the past makes him want to scream out in frustration.
He’s scared that he could have been able to prevent his hyungs from leaving. Just a little bit more persuasion, just a little bit more resistance, just a little bit more...
When Changmin closes his eyes, he’s scared of the next day.
He’s scared of falling into the darkness of nothing where his life has become one boring routine. With his group being put on an indefinite hiatus, with nothing else to do for him but sleeping and eating, Changmin feels the pressure of leading a meaningless life. The possibility of having to lead a retained life leaves his body numb with fear.
He’d rather not sleep. He’d rather not sleep to get the feeling of prolonged time on earth; he’d rather not sleep so the next morning will take more time to come.
However, it’s impossible for a human being to just not sleep. Even though Changmin struggles to keep his consciousness, he’ll always slip into the dream world for a few minutes, sometimes even hours. There’s always the same nightmare. It’s always the same.
And it scares him to death.
Changmin refuses to sleep. He refuses to relive the same nightmare over and over again, refuses to feel the same powerlessness over and over again, refuses to hear the scarily death voice speak the same words over and over again, refuses to not be able to control his body like he wants to. He simply refuses to.
But he can’t conquer the need to sleep. He simply can’t.
”Changmin-ah,” a soft voice intrudes the misty clouds of his brain. The light voice sounds lifeless, tired, exhausted and when Changmin opens his eyes, the worn out expression in the brown doe eyes scare him, “I’m so... so tired.”
He wants to answer, “Me too, hyung, me too...” but he doesn’t even have the energy to open his mouth anymore. His body is drained from all its energy and his legs finally give out on him as he collapses on the floor in exhaustion. His eyelids are heavy and when he blinks, he doesn’t have the energy anymore to open his eyes. The only sign that indicates he’s still alive are the heavy pants escaping from his mouth.
“Can’t you and Yunho change your mind?” the pleading words are like whispers, barely pronounced loud enough to hang in the air for more than the duration of a few intakes of oxygen. However, Changmin feels as if the whispered words are screamed loudly into his ear, echoing through his empty mind.
There’s a silence. The young man feels the discomfort spreading through his body, his hands cold and sweaty but he still opens his eyes and faces his hyung. “Can’t you change your mind?” he pleads instead, “I’m... I’m not ready. I’m not ready to give up this life yet, not when we’re finally standing on top. We’ve dreamed about this... it even exceeds my dreams. Our popularity... I never dared to dream about what we’ve been able to achieve. I’m not ready, hyung, not ready to turn my back to... to everything.”
There’s a silence, the impact of his words still echoing through the room. They’re clear, obvious.
“Are you not able to turn your back to the security of this life or are you not able to turn your back to the company that has helped us achieve our fame?” The voice of Jaejoong is no longer silently pleading him, instead shooting sharp daggers. It makes Changmin shiver in unease because he understands what the older man is trying to imply. Jaejoong is daring him to call them - Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu - traitors, backstabbers, disloyal bastards.
However, he can’t lie, can’t be dishonest in a situation like this. “Both,” he mouths, his eyes avoiding the gaze of Jaejoong. He’s tired of arguing, tired of constantly throwing the same arguments at each other.
“I... I can understand it,” Jaejoong finally says, slowly, thinking carefully about his words. His hands ruffle his hair in frustration and his big eyes reveal nothing but pain and frustration, “I know how you feel... and I’m not going to argue with you anymore. Just, please... think it over. I won’t force you to do things that you don’t want to do.”
When Changmin doesn’t answer, looking at his hands, Jaejoong kneels down to silently grab his cold hand, squeezing it lightly in encouragement, “I just... feel so pressured. We’ve barely gotten any sleep for the past months and it’s killing me... it’s killing me from the inside out. It burns me up. I can’t continue doing this anymore... I’m willing to do so many things for our group and our fans but the lack of sleep is driving me crazy. I feel like I’m on the verge of collapsing all the time and I can barely think around the thick mist in my head.
I feel like I’ve lost myself in this thick mist... I feel like I’ve lost myself when I had to start using all my energy to just be able to function - to breathe, to dance, to sing, to live. I feel like I’ve lost myself because of the exhausting schedules; I feel like a machine who has to reproduce dances, reproduce answers, reproduce exaggerated reactions... I feel like I lost myself in order to entertain other people.
I don’t.... don’t feel real anymore. My body is still breathing, living, functioning... but it isn’t the same anymore.
I’m constantly floating. I barely have any contact with my old self anymore. I’m not able to recall the last time I’ve been able to sleep for more than four hours... My mind is numb. I don’t think about the things I do anymore; they just happen as if someone programmed the reaction in my system.”
Changmin tries to swallow away the tears in his eyes. He completely understands Jaejoong. He feels exactly the same, the numbing tiredness spreading through his body like a virus... but he can’t reply to his hyung, not in the way Jaejoong wants him to. So instead, his eyes remain locked with his own hands, following the soothing motions Jaejoong makes with his fingers. Their hands are intertwined with each other, the kind of entanglement of brothers who refuse to let go of each other in front of the unknown.
“But... I can’t take it anymore. I feel like a living doll.”
Jaejoong’s normally light voice sounds death, lifeless just like the meaning of the words he had just spoken.
Changmin can’t bring himself to response, can only watch helplessly how Jaejoong lets go of his hand and leaves the room after an intense silence. He stares lifelessly at his hand and his cheeks become wet at the thought of having no more protective brother at his side. Of his brother running at the unknown while he stays at the safe side of the road.
~
Changmin startles awake, his hands balled into tight fists, his heart beating into his ears. A quick look on his alarm clock tells him he has lost the battle against sleep for twenty minutes, twenty full minutes of weakness. The only thing that breaks the silence in his room is the sound of his heavy panting and Changmin pinches himself to get himself out of the sleepy daze his mind is in.
His body is trembling uncontrollably and he cries when the feeling of utter loneliness washes over him. He feels so so alone without anyone around him, so so alone not having to wake up next to the breathing form of a body. And he’s scared. So scared he will have to lead the rest of his life without anyone next to him, so scared he’ll die a lonely death, so scared his body will only be found months after his death because his neighbours will start complaining about the smell.
He wants to be held so dearly.
He wants to be loved so badly. He wants to hear the words I won’t leave you ever again so eagerly... but he knows his hopes are idle. He knows they have all made their decision and there’s no way back. He saw it in their eyes, their sad, pleading but determined eyes before they told them their last goodbyes.
Changmin’s eyes are moist when he swings his long legs off his bed, when he walks to the living room of their dorm without no further thoughts. There’s a look of pity in his eyes when he sees the dark figure of a man sitting on the table but he doesn’t voice his pity because the pain he had to go through is nothing compared to the pain of the older man.
Yunho looks up at the sound of approaching footsteps but he soon averts his eyes, a look of shame appearing into his pained eyes. “Go away, Changmin,” he mumbles as he puts a full bottle of soju on his lips, gulping down as much as he can before he puts the bottle back on the table with a loud clang and sighs.
“No,” Changmin stubbornly says. He places his body on the chair next to Yunho’s and he lets out a sigh as he grabs another bottle of soju, joining the older man. He puts the bottle to his lips, tasting the bitter flavor of alcohol on his tongue, before he too takes a few big gulps. The liquid burns the insides of his throat but he doesn’t mind, doesn’t care about anything as long as he doesn’t have to think about anything anymore.
His head has become lighter when he finally puts the bottle down and Changmin lets out a sigh, rubbing his moist eyes. There’s a silence both men do not want to break because they’re too deeply immersed into their thoughts. It’s only occasionally broken by the clattering of bottles making contact with the concrete surface of the table.
“Please tell me this is all just a simple nightmare, Changmin-ah,” Yunho finally sighs, wet trails on his cheeks, “Please tell me it’s all in my head, tell me even if it’s a lie. Tell me I haven’t lost my grip on the group which I was supposed to lead, please tell me it didn’t happen. Tell me DBSK didn’t escape between my fingers like sand. Tell me this is all a dream, pinch me, talk some sense into me.”
Changmin doesn’t say anything, refuses to speak the words he desperately wills to be true. He knows it’d only be deception for both of them, empty words to comfort themselves. Tears trickle down his cheeks silently and he looks at the older man he has always admired, looks at him crumbling down just like he had broken down.
He silently reaches out of his hand, taking Yunho’s in his own, before saying, “I can’t. Even though it’s hard to face reality, I think we should. It’s hard, so incredibly hard to continue fighting but we should. For our fans, for us, even for them. They wouldn’t want to see us like this. They wouldn’t want us to suffer because of them. We... we still have each other.”
He doesn’t even know where these words come from but the glint of hope that appears in Yunho’s eyes is enough to give him hope too.
It scares him but he believes in their uncertain future. Changmin realizes he has never been left alone; Yunho had and will always be there for him. A faint smile appears on his lips as he looks at their hands, entangled like the hands of two brothers encouraging each other when they’re facing the unknown.
Pairing: Changmin x Yunho, Jaejoong x Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I wish they were mine so I could lock all five members of DBSK up in a room and force them to reconcile.
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Length: Oneshot
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, lawsuit
The nightmares will always come.
Ever since they have left them, Changmin is scared of going to sleep. When the sky colours a faint glow of blue yellow red, it becomes difficult for him to swallow. When the sun slowly disappears behind the horizon, his hands will start trembling. When the light day finally makes place for the dreadful and dark night, Changmin can’t concentrate on doing anything anymore.
The thought of going to bed scares him. When he closes his eyes, he can feel the suffocating grip of life on his throat and he’s scared of so many things. His mind will start racing around and he’ll start pondering and worrying about everything he could have done to prevent them from leaving him. Thoughts will jump at him, attacking him, and his stomach will clench in unease, his nails will dig into the soft flesh of his arms and there’ll be a squeezing pressure on his throat... because having to look back at his foolishness in the past makes him want to scream out in frustration.
He’s scared that he could have been able to prevent his hyungs from leaving. Just a little bit more persuasion, just a little bit more resistance, just a little bit more...
When Changmin closes his eyes, he’s scared of the next day.
He’s scared of falling into the darkness of nothing where his life has become one boring routine. With his group being put on an indefinite hiatus, with nothing else to do for him but sleeping and eating, Changmin feels the pressure of leading a meaningless life. The possibility of having to lead a retained life leaves his body numb with fear.
He’d rather not sleep. He’d rather not sleep to get the feeling of prolonged time on earth; he’d rather not sleep so the next morning will take more time to come.
However, it’s impossible for a human being to just not sleep. Even though Changmin struggles to keep his consciousness, he’ll always slip into the dream world for a few minutes, sometimes even hours. There’s always the same nightmare. It’s always the same.
And it scares him to death.
Changmin refuses to sleep. He refuses to relive the same nightmare over and over again, refuses to feel the same powerlessness over and over again, refuses to hear the scarily death voice speak the same words over and over again, refuses to not be able to control his body like he wants to. He simply refuses to.
But he can’t conquer the need to sleep. He simply can’t.
”Changmin-ah,” a soft voice intrudes the misty clouds of his brain. The light voice sounds lifeless, tired, exhausted and when Changmin opens his eyes, the worn out expression in the brown doe eyes scare him, “I’m so... so tired.”
He wants to answer, “Me too, hyung, me too...” but he doesn’t even have the energy to open his mouth anymore. His body is drained from all its energy and his legs finally give out on him as he collapses on the floor in exhaustion. His eyelids are heavy and when he blinks, he doesn’t have the energy anymore to open his eyes. The only sign that indicates he’s still alive are the heavy pants escaping from his mouth.
“Can’t you and Yunho change your mind?” the pleading words are like whispers, barely pronounced loud enough to hang in the air for more than the duration of a few intakes of oxygen. However, Changmin feels as if the whispered words are screamed loudly into his ear, echoing through his empty mind.
There’s a silence. The young man feels the discomfort spreading through his body, his hands cold and sweaty but he still opens his eyes and faces his hyung. “Can’t you change your mind?” he pleads instead, “I’m... I’m not ready. I’m not ready to give up this life yet, not when we’re finally standing on top. We’ve dreamed about this... it even exceeds my dreams. Our popularity... I never dared to dream about what we’ve been able to achieve. I’m not ready, hyung, not ready to turn my back to... to everything.”
There’s a silence, the impact of his words still echoing through the room. They’re clear, obvious.
“Are you not able to turn your back to the security of this life or are you not able to turn your back to the company that has helped us achieve our fame?” The voice of Jaejoong is no longer silently pleading him, instead shooting sharp daggers. It makes Changmin shiver in unease because he understands what the older man is trying to imply. Jaejoong is daring him to call them - Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu - traitors, backstabbers, disloyal bastards.
However, he can’t lie, can’t be dishonest in a situation like this. “Both,” he mouths, his eyes avoiding the gaze of Jaejoong. He’s tired of arguing, tired of constantly throwing the same arguments at each other.
“I... I can understand it,” Jaejoong finally says, slowly, thinking carefully about his words. His hands ruffle his hair in frustration and his big eyes reveal nothing but pain and frustration, “I know how you feel... and I’m not going to argue with you anymore. Just, please... think it over. I won’t force you to do things that you don’t want to do.”
When Changmin doesn’t answer, looking at his hands, Jaejoong kneels down to silently grab his cold hand, squeezing it lightly in encouragement, “I just... feel so pressured. We’ve barely gotten any sleep for the past months and it’s killing me... it’s killing me from the inside out. It burns me up. I can’t continue doing this anymore... I’m willing to do so many things for our group and our fans but the lack of sleep is driving me crazy. I feel like I’m on the verge of collapsing all the time and I can barely think around the thick mist in my head.
I feel like I’ve lost myself in this thick mist... I feel like I’ve lost myself when I had to start using all my energy to just be able to function - to breathe, to dance, to sing, to live. I feel like I’ve lost myself because of the exhausting schedules; I feel like a machine who has to reproduce dances, reproduce answers, reproduce exaggerated reactions... I feel like I lost myself in order to entertain other people.
I don’t.... don’t feel real anymore. My body is still breathing, living, functioning... but it isn’t the same anymore.
I’m constantly floating. I barely have any contact with my old self anymore. I’m not able to recall the last time I’ve been able to sleep for more than four hours... My mind is numb. I don’t think about the things I do anymore; they just happen as if someone programmed the reaction in my system.”
Changmin tries to swallow away the tears in his eyes. He completely understands Jaejoong. He feels exactly the same, the numbing tiredness spreading through his body like a virus... but he can’t reply to his hyung, not in the way Jaejoong wants him to. So instead, his eyes remain locked with his own hands, following the soothing motions Jaejoong makes with his fingers. Their hands are intertwined with each other, the kind of entanglement of brothers who refuse to let go of each other in front of the unknown.
“But... I can’t take it anymore. I feel like a living doll.”
Jaejoong’s normally light voice sounds death, lifeless just like the meaning of the words he had just spoken.
Changmin can’t bring himself to response, can only watch helplessly how Jaejoong lets go of his hand and leaves the room after an intense silence. He stares lifelessly at his hand and his cheeks become wet at the thought of having no more protective brother at his side. Of his brother running at the unknown while he stays at the safe side of the road.
~
Changmin startles awake, his hands balled into tight fists, his heart beating into his ears. A quick look on his alarm clock tells him he has lost the battle against sleep for twenty minutes, twenty full minutes of weakness. The only thing that breaks the silence in his room is the sound of his heavy panting and Changmin pinches himself to get himself out of the sleepy daze his mind is in.
His body is trembling uncontrollably and he cries when the feeling of utter loneliness washes over him. He feels so so alone without anyone around him, so so alone not having to wake up next to the breathing form of a body. And he’s scared. So scared he will have to lead the rest of his life without anyone next to him, so scared he’ll die a lonely death, so scared his body will only be found months after his death because his neighbours will start complaining about the smell.
He wants to be held so dearly.
He wants to be loved so badly. He wants to hear the words I won’t leave you ever again so eagerly... but he knows his hopes are idle. He knows they have all made their decision and there’s no way back. He saw it in their eyes, their sad, pleading but determined eyes before they told them their last goodbyes.
Changmin’s eyes are moist when he swings his long legs off his bed, when he walks to the living room of their dorm without no further thoughts. There’s a look of pity in his eyes when he sees the dark figure of a man sitting on the table but he doesn’t voice his pity because the pain he had to go through is nothing compared to the pain of the older man.
Yunho looks up at the sound of approaching footsteps but he soon averts his eyes, a look of shame appearing into his pained eyes. “Go away, Changmin,” he mumbles as he puts a full bottle of soju on his lips, gulping down as much as he can before he puts the bottle back on the table with a loud clang and sighs.
“No,” Changmin stubbornly says. He places his body on the chair next to Yunho’s and he lets out a sigh as he grabs another bottle of soju, joining the older man. He puts the bottle to his lips, tasting the bitter flavor of alcohol on his tongue, before he too takes a few big gulps. The liquid burns the insides of his throat but he doesn’t mind, doesn’t care about anything as long as he doesn’t have to think about anything anymore.
His head has become lighter when he finally puts the bottle down and Changmin lets out a sigh, rubbing his moist eyes. There’s a silence both men do not want to break because they’re too deeply immersed into their thoughts. It’s only occasionally broken by the clattering of bottles making contact with the concrete surface of the table.
“Please tell me this is all just a simple nightmare, Changmin-ah,” Yunho finally sighs, wet trails on his cheeks, “Please tell me it’s all in my head, tell me even if it’s a lie. Tell me I haven’t lost my grip on the group which I was supposed to lead, please tell me it didn’t happen. Tell me DBSK didn’t escape between my fingers like sand. Tell me this is all a dream, pinch me, talk some sense into me.”
Changmin doesn’t say anything, refuses to speak the words he desperately wills to be true. He knows it’d only be deception for both of them, empty words to comfort themselves. Tears trickle down his cheeks silently and he looks at the older man he has always admired, looks at him crumbling down just like he had broken down.
He silently reaches out of his hand, taking Yunho’s in his own, before saying, “I can’t. Even though it’s hard to face reality, I think we should. It’s hard, so incredibly hard to continue fighting but we should. For our fans, for us, even for them. They wouldn’t want to see us like this. They wouldn’t want us to suffer because of them. We... we still have each other.”
He doesn’t even know where these words come from but the glint of hope that appears in Yunho’s eyes is enough to give him hope too.
It scares him but he believes in their uncertain future. Changmin realizes he has never been left alone; Yunho had and will always be there for him. A faint smile appears on his lips as he looks at their hands, entangled like the hands of two brothers encouraging each other when they’re facing the unknown.