Fragile Epilogue
Title: Fragile
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: 'I love you' soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it's normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5
Six years later
"Thank you so much for the past years... You've done so much for me just by taking care of me and showing me what a real family actually is like," Yoochun says as he pulls the woman in front of him in a suffocating hug. She's crying, crying because she has to let go of the boy - no, man - she had taken care of the past few years.
"It's because of you and dad that I've grown up normally despite my past," Yoochun smiles, his arms wrapped around her body. The woman, his mother, wasn't able to utter any words as the uncontrollable sobs hitched her breath. She just nodded, a sign that she understood.
"Thank you too, dad," Yoochun looks at the man next to his mother. He was so different from Dongmin and so much more like he imagined his real father. He was tiny, old, had a lot of white strands in his hair and there were wrinkles covering his face but the man had one of the most genuine smiles a human could possibly have. "Thank you for... for everything." For teaching me how to love, for helping the mess I was when you decided to take me in, for showing me that it was not bad to love. Yoochun wants to say it all but something in him, probably the awkward side that all men have, prevents him from speaking the words so he just pulls his father into another suffocating hug.
"I'm so proud of you. So happy we could help you... Just look what you have become - tall, handsome, nice," the eyes of his dad are twinkling as they take Yoochun in. Those friendly eyes were the first thing that had broken Yoochun's defense six years ago... those warm eyes had been the first thing in this house that had truly made him feel comfortable.
"I have the ideal role model after all," Yoochun smiles, laughing because he knows his father doesn’t like any jokes about his height.
"Aish, you rascal. Still making fun of me until the very end, right?" but the look in his father's eyes gives away nothing but mischief.
"I'll call you many times and I'll visit whenever I can so please don't worry about me," Yoochun finally says. He grabs his suitcase firmly in his hand and when the doorbell rings, he already knows this is the beginning of his real life. Everything before this had just been an introduction, a prelude; he started living only now.
When he opens the door and stands face to face with the flawless human that had saved him six years ago, he smiles. Changmin looks great, his hair wavy, a smile plastered on his face. He bows in greeting to the two people who had taken care of Yoochun and it’s followed by small talk Yoochun isn’t very interested in.
When he finally is able to leave the house of his family, he feels empty. He gives his parents another hug before he finally leaves. It's funny how he had entered the house reluctantly six years ago, forced by the decision of the judges to find shelter with another family. He would have gladly started living with Changmin instead but that wasn't deemed responsible. For a twenty-two year old guy who just came back from the army and had no house... For such a guy to take care of a twelve year old who was broken to the core. It wasn't responsible.
However, the persons who had become his parents had been so nice to him. When Yoochun had arrived for the first time, he had been too scared to interact. He wouldn't talk unless he had to and even then, he had tried to keep his answers as court and distant as possible. He had been scared, especially of the man, and he'd only let his guard down when Changmin actually came to visit him.
Changmin had not been allowed to visit often - everyone was worried that Yoochun would never learn to move on with his life. However, his dad had refused to let Changmin visit only once a week when he saw how much livelier Yoochun became in the presence of his stepbrother.
"Stop it dear, we should let him see Changmin more often," he had said one day, his eyes stubborn as he reached out for the telephone. After he had asked Changmin to come on over and hung up, he laughed his genuine smile to Yoochun. The child had responded by smiling back - a small, hesitating smile but it was enough for now.
The psychiatrist helped him too. The burden he had been carrying for so long finally fell of his shoulders. At first, he had been reluctant to talk about everything that had happened to him and if he did, he always ended up with shaking shoulders, a hitching breath and tears gliding over his cheeks. It was very hard to realize the true meaning of everything that had happened to him. He felt like giving up so many times; running away from the psychiatrist, running away from school, running away from home, running away from society. Running away from life.
It would have been a lie to say that Yoochun never considered committing suicide. Life was just too hard and he wasn't able to find the strength to move on. Nightmares would be hunting him, forcing him to startle awake with tears in his eyes. Yoochun didn't dare to go to the room of his parents the way he had gone to Changmin and he just ended up staring at the ceiling almost every night.
When he told the psychiatrist about his nightmares, she gave him sleeping pills. They worked, they made his life slightly easier, they made his life slightly more bearable. The thought of committing suicide lingered around for a very long time in his head but Yoochun never gave in - he wanted nothing else but leave this painful world but he could imagine the sad look on Changmin's and Jaejoong's face, could imagine the disappointed look on the faces of his parents.
Life slowly turned from pitch black to gray to light gray to a messy brown until the vibrant colours slowly started to seep in his life. To his own surprise, the vibrant colours didn’t leave him and they became part of his life. Yoochun found his outlet in sports; he actually started going on judo because his parents thought it would be nice if he'd have the sense of security, the feeling of being able to defend himself. Yoochun actually liked it so much that he continued doing it even when he had mastered the basics.
At school, he didn't have many friends. Soon after the lawsuit, he was old enough to go to high school and Yoochun had wanted to start anew. At his old school, the parents had known everything because they had read everything in the newspapers. They had followed the news of a big businessman raping his own stepson, then it had become news that the judge had spoken in favour or the stepson. Netizens had become curious and had started speculating about the identity of the persons involved.
When Yoochun woke up one day, articles were published saying 'Shim' had raped his stepson 'Park' and had been forced to go into prison for four years. The next day, a list appeared on the internet with the names of the few influential businessmen with the surname Shim. It didn’t take long to discover which Shim actually had married a Park and which Shim actually had a son who had just returned from the army. Just like that, Dongmin was discovered.
However, it hadn’t influenced Dongmin’s life in a direct manner. He was stuck in prison, cut off from society. Yoochun never heard anything of his stepfather again after the lawsuit; he didn’t even know what Dongmin’s reaction was when he finally got out of jail and heard that his company was bankrupt. He also didn’t know what the reaction of his mother was when she heard the news as she stayed into prison, occasionally following therapies. She had written to him but Yoochun had refused to open the letters. He wanted to have nothing to do anymore with his past.
At his high school, he had troubles blending in with the rest. Even though nobody, except Junsu, knew he was the stepson of Shim Dongmin, it was hard for him to trust people. He would have been the outsider had it not been for Junsu supporting him through thick and thin; he was the one who always sat next to him, chatted with him and, even though Junsu wouldn’t know, he was the encouraging Yoochun needed to start any form of social contact with others again.
When time passed, Yoochun actually managed to get quite popular at high school. Judo helped him get more confidence and it developed his body. By the time he had reached his 16th birthday, there was nothing left of the fragile boy from four years ago. Thanks to the help of many people, he had learned to deal with his past and with his future. He had learned that, despite his youth, he should reject the negative thoughts in his mind and instead, look forward to the future which only seemed to become brighter and brighter.
“What are you thinking of?” Changmin asks, smiling as he turns his head to Yoochun. The scene is too familiar; how many times had they sat in his car, fingers intertwined with each other, talking to each other? How many emotions had he felt while sitting in this car; fear, pain, nerves, joy, freedom, happiness, utter bliss? It was incredible how much Yoochun had shared with Changmin.
“Nothing,” he replies, his eyes twinkling happily, “I’m just happy.”
“Don’t let your parents hear that,” Changmin laughs, “They might think you’re happy to finally be able to leave them.”
Yoochun laughs. He had started to love his parents; it had taken more time and more difficulty than it had with Dongmin and looking back, he feels bad that they - the people who wanted to help him, the people who truly cared about him - had to go through so many problems while people like Dongmin had won his trust pretty fast. But it was all thanks to him that this trust had been lost later when Yoochun was introduced to unfamiliar people.
They finally arrived at Changmin’s apartment. Ever since the lawsuit, he had tried to find an apartment so he could continue studying. It hadn’t taken him long to find an apartment, though it had been in quite a bad state, but he had refused to go back to the house of Dongmin and Hana where only the maids and the butlers lived after the imprisonment of the two. Changmin had moved a year ago after he had finished his studies and managed to get a job.
“I’ve been here only a couple of times,” Yoochun marvels, looking at the outside of the building. He was wondering how he was going to live now that he had changed his environment once again. He was going to live with Changmin, study at the university, make new friends. Once again, he was standing at crossroads but this time there’d only be good things in his future.
“Is it?” Changmin asks, pulling Yoochun’s suitcase from the car. Yoochun tries to take the suitcase from the man but Changmin is already taking long strides towards his apartment, the suitcase in one hand while his other hand is looking for the house key. “I’ve changed some things so don’t get too surprised.”
When Yoochun enters the house, things had indeed changed but it wasn’t that what surprised him. In the middle of the wall, there was a huge piece of furniture existing from a dozen of photo frames. He looks at the pictures, staring at the happy faces of Changmin with Jaejoong, of Changmin with Kyuhyun, of Changmin with Kyuhyun, Minho and someone else Yoochun didn’t know. The biggest picture was one of him and Changmin, happily smiling, surrounded by a few smaller frames. Yoochun was in every one of them - laughing at the camera, concentrating on a game, eating, stuck in an embrace of Changmin.
“When did you get this?” Yoochun laughs, blushing as he sees how many pictures there are of him.
“Jaejoong got it for me last week. It’s part of his birthday present for me. We should forget that he’s about six months late,” Changmin chuckles. “Anyway, how about we make this moment memorable? Jaejoong got me a polaroid camera as well, we should take a picture of our first day living together after six years.”
Yoochun smiles brightly when Changmin takes the picture.
~
Yoochun had realized a long time ago that what he felt for Changmin was more than just eternal gratefulness and brotherhood. It had kicked in when he had finally started to accept his past; when he had finally realized that sex didn't have to mean feeling pain, when his friends went to the club and lost their virginity. When Yoochun realized he didn't long for a girlfriend like his friends did because everything he was looking for in his soulmate already was right next to him.
Caring. Sweet. Nice. Understanding. Good looking.
But he didn’t have the courage to confess his love to Changmin. Yoochun could already imagine the response of the man: I love you but not in this way; I only see you as my brother; maybe even an it’s all in your head - you think you love me because I have supported you through tough times, you think you need me because I’ve always been there for you. You think you love me because you want this feeling of security to last.
However, Yoochun knew this feeling wasn’t his need to feel secure, to always stay on the safe side of the road. He knew this feeling was love because it absolutely felt like love.
He never had the courage to say ‘I love you’. Not only had the word lost its meaning a long time ago but he was also scared for a possible rejection. Honestly speaking, it would make more sense to Yoochun that he’d be rejected than that his love would be accepted. Though he needed, loved and wanted Changmin more than anything else, he didn’t know if Changmin actually felt more for him than brotherly love.
Yoochun had tried so hard to fall out of love. He had tried to go to the club with his friends but instead of showing any interest in the girls, he ended up drinking a lot in a miserable attempt to forget his problems. He never felt any physical attraction to the girls - not even when the prettiest girl in the room started to dance with him, rubbing her body against his.
He only saw Changmin in his mind. He only wanted Changmin in his mind.
The reason for him loving his stepbrother wasn’t because of his youth. It wasn’t because he needed to have Changmin as an important and protective figure in his life.
It was because of Changmin’s personality that Yoochun had fallen in love with him.
~
It’s hard for Yoochun to concentrate on the movie that’s playing as he’s sitting so close next to Changmin on the bench, Changmin’s arm thrown casually over Yoochun’s shoulder. It gives him an ironical flashback to the first time he had offered his body to Dongmin but Yoochun smiles at how entirely different this situation actually is. He wish something like that would happen!
However, they just sit there, watching, and Yoochun loses track of time. He starts to nod of, sleep seeping into his mind. He blinks only to never let his heavy eyelids flutter open again. It's a peaceful sleep, the strong arm of Changmin weighing protectively on his shoulder and it makes Yoochun unconsciously think of the past where they'd lie together, arms wrapped around each other, until sleep would start to seep in.
Yoochun startles awake when he feels those arms disappear and he looks around in the darkness, disorientated. How did he get into his bed room? "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Gosh, since when did you become this heavy?" Changmin whispers, his breathing a little heavier than normal as he massages the muscles on his arms.
Yoochun stares at Changmin and maybe it's the long and silent glance that makes the man insecure as he quickly says, "I was just kidding," but that's not what Yoochun cares about. Maybe it's because it's dark, maybe it's because the scene from a few hours ago was just too familiar, maybe it's because he can't resist the voice in his head any longer, maybe it's because of all three but Yoochun feels... just feels so real and surreal at the same time.
He knows he'll regret it if he won't do anything right now. However, he also knows he'll regret it later if he will do something right now. He was stuck in a dilemma.
And yet, Yoochun thinks it's better to just live life to the fullest when it's still possible instead of living with regrets and possible what if-scenarios playing in his head.
He gets off his bed and without uttering a single word, a single warning, he kisses Changmin with all his might. When Yoochun's lips crush on Changmin's, there's a spark setting everything in fire inside his body and Yoochun can't think coherently anymore, can only think of Changmin's smell confusing his senses, Changmin's lips on his and just this passionate drive to have Changmin as his.
The response of the man doesn't surprise Yoochun. He gasps in surprise and hands are pushing his body away. Yoochun obediently pulls away, his lips tingling from the sensation, and Changmin mirrors the reaction of his father a few years ago, "What are you doing?!"
Yoochun is already regretting his actions, the whim on which he had handled, the awkwardness of the current situation. He wants to murmur a court goodnight because even he himself doesn't know where this all had come from but there's something that stops him. The small piece inside of him that doesn't want to lie to itself anymore.
"I... I lo-" it's hard. So hard to say the words that seem to have no meaning. So pressuring to say them. His voice is barely audible as he continues, "I like you. I know I shouldn't be saying this but I'll do it anyway. You're not just a stepbrother to me. You're my brother, my father, my best friend, the person that is always standing by my side. I've liked you for all these years but I never had the courage to confess because I know you wouldn't approve of this. I'm sorry for what I did - not because I regret what I did but because I regret how I did it."
Yoochun feels like disappearing through the floor but the concrete doesn't budge for his body, no matter how much he tries to burn holes through it with his eyes. The silence in the room is excruciating and Yoochun wants nothing else than Changmin to brush it all off as an accident but the latter remains silent, lost in thought, and it's killing the young man.
Suddenly, Changmin's fingers are under his chin, gently forcing him to lift his eyes from the floor. The face of the man is close, so close, and Yoochun loses himself in the smoldering eyes, in the sweet scent wrapping around him. "Listen," Changmin whispers softly, his breath brushing past Yoochun's face, "You know I've always tried not to hurt you. I wanted to be the one to protect you when you had nobody to fulfill this role in your life. I still want to protect you and even though... even though my emotions are killing me inside, I can't-can't give in to them, I cannot like you, cannot..."
It hurts. It hurts to be rejected.
But Yoochun realizes there was no need for this hurt. The way Changmin was saying the words sounded more like a mantra, a way to not lose grip on himself, and there was a burning emotion behind every word he said, words contradicting with its meaning.
"You're lying," Yoochun whispers softly, "You're trying so hard to keep this act up but I know you. You never speak in this kind of way, you never-"
Changmin silences him. He leans in without a warning and before Yoochun truly realizes it, they're kissing again. The kiss is sweet and gentle, their lips moving in a slow rhythm, their tongues slipping into each others mouths to dance with each other on this forbidden night. The taste of Changmin is sweet, like apples and cinnamon and another flavour he can't think of, and Yoochun actually doesn't know how long the kiss lasts but Changmin is the first one to pull away, leaving both gasping for air.
"We shouldn't... shouldn't be doing this," Changmin pants and Yoochun knows the same thing but feels something entirely different.
Without saying another word, he crushes their lips together once again, the kiss more passionate and rough now. One hand is in the nape of Changmin's neck, playing with a few lost strands of hair, while his other hand is resting on Changmin's back. Without even thinking, Yoochun is taking steps backwards, forcing the older man to follow him with the hand in the back. They're still kissing even when they fall on Yoochun's bed.
Yoochun is kissing him, his hungry tongue ravishing every part of Changmin's mouth, and at the same time he's already unbuttoning his own clothes. He's already half naked when Changmin finally realizes it.
His eyes widen in shock when he realizes what Yoochun is planning. "What? No! I can't do that, Yoochun-ah."
"Is it because you don't want to or is it because you don't want to hurt me?" Yoochun whispers, not even bothering to stop getting rid of his clothes.
"The latter," Changmin honestly confesses. He breaks their series of kisses, distancing his body from his stepbrother and Yoochun has to use all his power to control the expression on his face, "I can't fuck you like all those men did in the past. I can't do it to you - can't even think of the possibility to inflict any pain on you. I don't want you to hurt because of our rash and momentarily needs."
"It's been six years, Changmin-ah," Yoochun scowls in frustration. His hands drop uselessly to his side, finally giving up on his attempt to unbutton and unzip his pants, "You think I haven't healed from that in those years? You want me to stay untouched for the rest of my life? Should I join a convent, become a monk? Do you really think I'm never going to fuck again just because some bastards ruined my youth?
They ruined my childhood, my youth... but no way I'm going to let them ruin the rest of my remaining life. I'm an adult now, I can do this," Yoochun leans forward, his breath brushing past Changmin's ear as he whispers, "Please... take me."
That broke the last bit of Changmin's resolution. He lurches forward, lips again crushing on each other, and it all becomes one mess in Yoochun's head when his head touches his pillow. The kiss is passionate and needy, so different from the sweet kiss in the beginning, and Changmin's hands are everywhere just like Yoochun's are.
Before he even realizes it, they're both naked. Yoochun finds himself marveling at the body of his stepbrother, his broad shoulders, the strong arms, the six pack. "Are you absolutely sure about this?" the lust in Changmin's eyes disappears for a moment to make place for grave earnestness. Yoochun nods in response, absolutely irked at the teasing, wanting nothing else but feel the man inside of him. "If I hurt you, you should say it and I'll stop immediately."
And Changmin is already working. His tongue is working, licking and wetting Yoochun's entrance, teasing as he dips it in and slips out again. Yoochun arches his back in pleasure, already moaning in heavy desire. He then goes back up again, leaving a trail of kisses from his lower abdomen to his neck and back again.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Changmin asks once again, a worried look in his eyes. Yoochun wants to scream stop teasing already! but he refrains from doing so and instead just nods. Changmin puts his fingers out, an apologetic look in his eyes as he mentions he doesn’t have any lube and Yoochun understands it, already sucking them without thinking. He doesn’t mind. He had been taken raw so many times and he certainly wouldn't mind if it was Changmin who'd take him raw. He sucks obediently, cheeks hollowing, tongue trying to wet everything the best he can.
"Let me... let me coat that too," he blushes when he carefully takes Changmin's manhood in his hand. He knew he had always been able to give great blowjobs but he didn't know if it was something like swimming - something you could still do even if you hadn't practiced it in a long time - or if it was something like having learned the basics of a language and forgetting all of it when it's not maintained.
Yoochun hesitantly puts Changmin's member in his mouth, his cheeks hollowing as he sucks it, a fist pumping the remaining length that he wasn't able to fit in his mouth. He hears the man moan and it makes Yoochun blush but it only encourages him to continue. He hums gently, the vibrations sending new sensations through Changmin and Yoochun has a hard time suppressing the satisfied smile when the cock in his mouth becomes hard.
However, he stops as abruptly as he had began. The whine that escapes from Changmin's lips doesn't go unheard and Yoochun smiles mischievously as he jokes, "I think that's enough coating."
He pushes his body closer to Changmin's, lips brushing his ear as he whispers, "Now... fuck me."
His words don’t go unheard. Changmin carefully pushes one digit in and Yoochun pants, his back arching again at the familiar yet unfamiliar intrusion. "It's okay," he says, assuring the older man. A second finger is added, pumping and twisting inside of him. It unexpectedly didn't feel wrong at all - it felt good to have any part of Changmin inside of him. A third finger was added, Changmin putting butterfly kisses everywhere in an attempt to distract him but honestly, Yoochun didn't mind the pain at all. It was a constant reminder to him that this was all really happening and not just something in his head.
When Changmin intrudes him, slowly, carefully, tenderly, Yoochun can't help but bite his lips in pain. His body wasn't used to this kind of intrusion anymore and there’s a sharp pain down there. The butterfly kisses are still continuing as a type of distraction and it actually helps. The sharp pain slowly turns into sweet pleasure, especially when Changmin's hand closes around Yoochun's own member, pumping it at the same rhythm of his thrusting.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," the words are already escaping from Yoochun's lips before he can stop them. The night is filled with stars, its radiation lighting the path Yoochun is walking on.
With a scream, Yoochun finally comes just as Changmin comes inside of him only a few seconds later. They both collapse on the bed, in the mess of come, sweat and love, and Changmin wraps his arms around Yoochun, their chests heaving at the same time.
"I love you," Yoochun whispers once again, finally daring to say the words out loud, "I love you so much it hurts just to think of a world without you. When I'm tired, you become my strength... When I feel like giving up on everything, you are the one who gets me through it. When I feel powerless, you become my reason to fight.
You... you are my everything. I won't need anyone or anything else as long as I have you."
Changmin leans in to kiss him once again, the sweet and gentle kiss from the beginning is back. Their lips move slowly, rhythmically, warm tongues wrapping around each other, dancing the dance of love.
"I love you too," Changmin simply replies, "I'll never hurt you, I'll never let anyone hurt you. That twinkling in your eyes, that smile... I'll make you smile every day. I need you in my life just as much as you need me... I love you."
Those three words sounded wonderful coming from Changmin's lips. They made Yooochun's heart beat faster, blood flushing to his cheeks and he smiles, hiding his face in the broad chest of the man. Changmin smelled nice.
I love you had finally gotten a meaning for him.
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: 'I love you' soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it's normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5
Six years later
"Thank you so much for the past years... You've done so much for me just by taking care of me and showing me what a real family actually is like," Yoochun says as he pulls the woman in front of him in a suffocating hug. She's crying, crying because she has to let go of the boy - no, man - she had taken care of the past few years.
"It's because of you and dad that I've grown up normally despite my past," Yoochun smiles, his arms wrapped around her body. The woman, his mother, wasn't able to utter any words as the uncontrollable sobs hitched her breath. She just nodded, a sign that she understood.
"Thank you too, dad," Yoochun looks at the man next to his mother. He was so different from Dongmin and so much more like he imagined his real father. He was tiny, old, had a lot of white strands in his hair and there were wrinkles covering his face but the man had one of the most genuine smiles a human could possibly have. "Thank you for... for everything." For teaching me how to love, for helping the mess I was when you decided to take me in, for showing me that it was not bad to love. Yoochun wants to say it all but something in him, probably the awkward side that all men have, prevents him from speaking the words so he just pulls his father into another suffocating hug.
"I'm so proud of you. So happy we could help you... Just look what you have become - tall, handsome, nice," the eyes of his dad are twinkling as they take Yoochun in. Those friendly eyes were the first thing that had broken Yoochun's defense six years ago... those warm eyes had been the first thing in this house that had truly made him feel comfortable.
"I have the ideal role model after all," Yoochun smiles, laughing because he knows his father doesn’t like any jokes about his height.
"Aish, you rascal. Still making fun of me until the very end, right?" but the look in his father's eyes gives away nothing but mischief.
"I'll call you many times and I'll visit whenever I can so please don't worry about me," Yoochun finally says. He grabs his suitcase firmly in his hand and when the doorbell rings, he already knows this is the beginning of his real life. Everything before this had just been an introduction, a prelude; he started living only now.
When he opens the door and stands face to face with the flawless human that had saved him six years ago, he smiles. Changmin looks great, his hair wavy, a smile plastered on his face. He bows in greeting to the two people who had taken care of Yoochun and it’s followed by small talk Yoochun isn’t very interested in.
When he finally is able to leave the house of his family, he feels empty. He gives his parents another hug before he finally leaves. It's funny how he had entered the house reluctantly six years ago, forced by the decision of the judges to find shelter with another family. He would have gladly started living with Changmin instead but that wasn't deemed responsible. For a twenty-two year old guy who just came back from the army and had no house... For such a guy to take care of a twelve year old who was broken to the core. It wasn't responsible.
However, the persons who had become his parents had been so nice to him. When Yoochun had arrived for the first time, he had been too scared to interact. He wouldn't talk unless he had to and even then, he had tried to keep his answers as court and distant as possible. He had been scared, especially of the man, and he'd only let his guard down when Changmin actually came to visit him.
Changmin had not been allowed to visit often - everyone was worried that Yoochun would never learn to move on with his life. However, his dad had refused to let Changmin visit only once a week when he saw how much livelier Yoochun became in the presence of his stepbrother.
"Stop it dear, we should let him see Changmin more often," he had said one day, his eyes stubborn as he reached out for the telephone. After he had asked Changmin to come on over and hung up, he laughed his genuine smile to Yoochun. The child had responded by smiling back - a small, hesitating smile but it was enough for now.
The psychiatrist helped him too. The burden he had been carrying for so long finally fell of his shoulders. At first, he had been reluctant to talk about everything that had happened to him and if he did, he always ended up with shaking shoulders, a hitching breath and tears gliding over his cheeks. It was very hard to realize the true meaning of everything that had happened to him. He felt like giving up so many times; running away from the psychiatrist, running away from school, running away from home, running away from society. Running away from life.
It would have been a lie to say that Yoochun never considered committing suicide. Life was just too hard and he wasn't able to find the strength to move on. Nightmares would be hunting him, forcing him to startle awake with tears in his eyes. Yoochun didn't dare to go to the room of his parents the way he had gone to Changmin and he just ended up staring at the ceiling almost every night.
When he told the psychiatrist about his nightmares, she gave him sleeping pills. They worked, they made his life slightly easier, they made his life slightly more bearable. The thought of committing suicide lingered around for a very long time in his head but Yoochun never gave in - he wanted nothing else but leave this painful world but he could imagine the sad look on Changmin's and Jaejoong's face, could imagine the disappointed look on the faces of his parents.
Life slowly turned from pitch black to gray to light gray to a messy brown until the vibrant colours slowly started to seep in his life. To his own surprise, the vibrant colours didn’t leave him and they became part of his life. Yoochun found his outlet in sports; he actually started going on judo because his parents thought it would be nice if he'd have the sense of security, the feeling of being able to defend himself. Yoochun actually liked it so much that he continued doing it even when he had mastered the basics.
At school, he didn't have many friends. Soon after the lawsuit, he was old enough to go to high school and Yoochun had wanted to start anew. At his old school, the parents had known everything because they had read everything in the newspapers. They had followed the news of a big businessman raping his own stepson, then it had become news that the judge had spoken in favour or the stepson. Netizens had become curious and had started speculating about the identity of the persons involved.
When Yoochun woke up one day, articles were published saying 'Shim' had raped his stepson 'Park' and had been forced to go into prison for four years. The next day, a list appeared on the internet with the names of the few influential businessmen with the surname Shim. It didn’t take long to discover which Shim actually had married a Park and which Shim actually had a son who had just returned from the army. Just like that, Dongmin was discovered.
However, it hadn’t influenced Dongmin’s life in a direct manner. He was stuck in prison, cut off from society. Yoochun never heard anything of his stepfather again after the lawsuit; he didn’t even know what Dongmin’s reaction was when he finally got out of jail and heard that his company was bankrupt. He also didn’t know what the reaction of his mother was when she heard the news as she stayed into prison, occasionally following therapies. She had written to him but Yoochun had refused to open the letters. He wanted to have nothing to do anymore with his past.
At his high school, he had troubles blending in with the rest. Even though nobody, except Junsu, knew he was the stepson of Shim Dongmin, it was hard for him to trust people. He would have been the outsider had it not been for Junsu supporting him through thick and thin; he was the one who always sat next to him, chatted with him and, even though Junsu wouldn’t know, he was the encouraging Yoochun needed to start any form of social contact with others again.
When time passed, Yoochun actually managed to get quite popular at high school. Judo helped him get more confidence and it developed his body. By the time he had reached his 16th birthday, there was nothing left of the fragile boy from four years ago. Thanks to the help of many people, he had learned to deal with his past and with his future. He had learned that, despite his youth, he should reject the negative thoughts in his mind and instead, look forward to the future which only seemed to become brighter and brighter.
“What are you thinking of?” Changmin asks, smiling as he turns his head to Yoochun. The scene is too familiar; how many times had they sat in his car, fingers intertwined with each other, talking to each other? How many emotions had he felt while sitting in this car; fear, pain, nerves, joy, freedom, happiness, utter bliss? It was incredible how much Yoochun had shared with Changmin.
“Nothing,” he replies, his eyes twinkling happily, “I’m just happy.”
“Don’t let your parents hear that,” Changmin laughs, “They might think you’re happy to finally be able to leave them.”
Yoochun laughs. He had started to love his parents; it had taken more time and more difficulty than it had with Dongmin and looking back, he feels bad that they - the people who wanted to help him, the people who truly cared about him - had to go through so many problems while people like Dongmin had won his trust pretty fast. But it was all thanks to him that this trust had been lost later when Yoochun was introduced to unfamiliar people.
They finally arrived at Changmin’s apartment. Ever since the lawsuit, he had tried to find an apartment so he could continue studying. It hadn’t taken him long to find an apartment, though it had been in quite a bad state, but he had refused to go back to the house of Dongmin and Hana where only the maids and the butlers lived after the imprisonment of the two. Changmin had moved a year ago after he had finished his studies and managed to get a job.
“I’ve been here only a couple of times,” Yoochun marvels, looking at the outside of the building. He was wondering how he was going to live now that he had changed his environment once again. He was going to live with Changmin, study at the university, make new friends. Once again, he was standing at crossroads but this time there’d only be good things in his future.
“Is it?” Changmin asks, pulling Yoochun’s suitcase from the car. Yoochun tries to take the suitcase from the man but Changmin is already taking long strides towards his apartment, the suitcase in one hand while his other hand is looking for the house key. “I’ve changed some things so don’t get too surprised.”
When Yoochun enters the house, things had indeed changed but it wasn’t that what surprised him. In the middle of the wall, there was a huge piece of furniture existing from a dozen of photo frames. He looks at the pictures, staring at the happy faces of Changmin with Jaejoong, of Changmin with Kyuhyun, of Changmin with Kyuhyun, Minho and someone else Yoochun didn’t know. The biggest picture was one of him and Changmin, happily smiling, surrounded by a few smaller frames. Yoochun was in every one of them - laughing at the camera, concentrating on a game, eating, stuck in an embrace of Changmin.
“When did you get this?” Yoochun laughs, blushing as he sees how many pictures there are of him.
“Jaejoong got it for me last week. It’s part of his birthday present for me. We should forget that he’s about six months late,” Changmin chuckles. “Anyway, how about we make this moment memorable? Jaejoong got me a polaroid camera as well, we should take a picture of our first day living together after six years.”
Yoochun smiles brightly when Changmin takes the picture.
~
Yoochun had realized a long time ago that what he felt for Changmin was more than just eternal gratefulness and brotherhood. It had kicked in when he had finally started to accept his past; when he had finally realized that sex didn't have to mean feeling pain, when his friends went to the club and lost their virginity. When Yoochun realized he didn't long for a girlfriend like his friends did because everything he was looking for in his soulmate already was right next to him.
Caring. Sweet. Nice. Understanding. Good looking.
But he didn’t have the courage to confess his love to Changmin. Yoochun could already imagine the response of the man: I love you but not in this way; I only see you as my brother; maybe even an it’s all in your head - you think you love me because I have supported you through tough times, you think you need me because I’ve always been there for you. You think you love me because you want this feeling of security to last.
However, Yoochun knew this feeling wasn’t his need to feel secure, to always stay on the safe side of the road. He knew this feeling was love because it absolutely felt like love.
He never had the courage to say ‘I love you’. Not only had the word lost its meaning a long time ago but he was also scared for a possible rejection. Honestly speaking, it would make more sense to Yoochun that he’d be rejected than that his love would be accepted. Though he needed, loved and wanted Changmin more than anything else, he didn’t know if Changmin actually felt more for him than brotherly love.
Yoochun had tried so hard to fall out of love. He had tried to go to the club with his friends but instead of showing any interest in the girls, he ended up drinking a lot in a miserable attempt to forget his problems. He never felt any physical attraction to the girls - not even when the prettiest girl in the room started to dance with him, rubbing her body against his.
He only saw Changmin in his mind. He only wanted Changmin in his mind.
The reason for him loving his stepbrother wasn’t because of his youth. It wasn’t because he needed to have Changmin as an important and protective figure in his life.
It was because of Changmin’s personality that Yoochun had fallen in love with him.
~
It’s hard for Yoochun to concentrate on the movie that’s playing as he’s sitting so close next to Changmin on the bench, Changmin’s arm thrown casually over Yoochun’s shoulder. It gives him an ironical flashback to the first time he had offered his body to Dongmin but Yoochun smiles at how entirely different this situation actually is. He wish something like that would happen!
However, they just sit there, watching, and Yoochun loses track of time. He starts to nod of, sleep seeping into his mind. He blinks only to never let his heavy eyelids flutter open again. It's a peaceful sleep, the strong arm of Changmin weighing protectively on his shoulder and it makes Yoochun unconsciously think of the past where they'd lie together, arms wrapped around each other, until sleep would start to seep in.
Yoochun startles awake when he feels those arms disappear and he looks around in the darkness, disorientated. How did he get into his bed room? "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Gosh, since when did you become this heavy?" Changmin whispers, his breathing a little heavier than normal as he massages the muscles on his arms.
Yoochun stares at Changmin and maybe it's the long and silent glance that makes the man insecure as he quickly says, "I was just kidding," but that's not what Yoochun cares about. Maybe it's because it's dark, maybe it's because the scene from a few hours ago was just too familiar, maybe it's because he can't resist the voice in his head any longer, maybe it's because of all three but Yoochun feels... just feels so real and surreal at the same time.
He knows he'll regret it if he won't do anything right now. However, he also knows he'll regret it later if he will do something right now. He was stuck in a dilemma.
And yet, Yoochun thinks it's better to just live life to the fullest when it's still possible instead of living with regrets and possible what if-scenarios playing in his head.
He gets off his bed and without uttering a single word, a single warning, he kisses Changmin with all his might. When Yoochun's lips crush on Changmin's, there's a spark setting everything in fire inside his body and Yoochun can't think coherently anymore, can only think of Changmin's smell confusing his senses, Changmin's lips on his and just this passionate drive to have Changmin as his.
The response of the man doesn't surprise Yoochun. He gasps in surprise and hands are pushing his body away. Yoochun obediently pulls away, his lips tingling from the sensation, and Changmin mirrors the reaction of his father a few years ago, "What are you doing?!"
Yoochun is already regretting his actions, the whim on which he had handled, the awkwardness of the current situation. He wants to murmur a court goodnight because even he himself doesn't know where this all had come from but there's something that stops him. The small piece inside of him that doesn't want to lie to itself anymore.
"I... I lo-" it's hard. So hard to say the words that seem to have no meaning. So pressuring to say them. His voice is barely audible as he continues, "I like you. I know I shouldn't be saying this but I'll do it anyway. You're not just a stepbrother to me. You're my brother, my father, my best friend, the person that is always standing by my side. I've liked you for all these years but I never had the courage to confess because I know you wouldn't approve of this. I'm sorry for what I did - not because I regret what I did but because I regret how I did it."
Yoochun feels like disappearing through the floor but the concrete doesn't budge for his body, no matter how much he tries to burn holes through it with his eyes. The silence in the room is excruciating and Yoochun wants nothing else than Changmin to brush it all off as an accident but the latter remains silent, lost in thought, and it's killing the young man.
Suddenly, Changmin's fingers are under his chin, gently forcing him to lift his eyes from the floor. The face of the man is close, so close, and Yoochun loses himself in the smoldering eyes, in the sweet scent wrapping around him. "Listen," Changmin whispers softly, his breath brushing past Yoochun's face, "You know I've always tried not to hurt you. I wanted to be the one to protect you when you had nobody to fulfill this role in your life. I still want to protect you and even though... even though my emotions are killing me inside, I can't-can't give in to them, I cannot like you, cannot..."
It hurts. It hurts to be rejected.
But Yoochun realizes there was no need for this hurt. The way Changmin was saying the words sounded more like a mantra, a way to not lose grip on himself, and there was a burning emotion behind every word he said, words contradicting with its meaning.
"You're lying," Yoochun whispers softly, "You're trying so hard to keep this act up but I know you. You never speak in this kind of way, you never-"
Changmin silences him. He leans in without a warning and before Yoochun truly realizes it, they're kissing again. The kiss is sweet and gentle, their lips moving in a slow rhythm, their tongues slipping into each others mouths to dance with each other on this forbidden night. The taste of Changmin is sweet, like apples and cinnamon and another flavour he can't think of, and Yoochun actually doesn't know how long the kiss lasts but Changmin is the first one to pull away, leaving both gasping for air.
"We shouldn't... shouldn't be doing this," Changmin pants and Yoochun knows the same thing but feels something entirely different.
Without saying another word, he crushes their lips together once again, the kiss more passionate and rough now. One hand is in the nape of Changmin's neck, playing with a few lost strands of hair, while his other hand is resting on Changmin's back. Without even thinking, Yoochun is taking steps backwards, forcing the older man to follow him with the hand in the back. They're still kissing even when they fall on Yoochun's bed.
Yoochun is kissing him, his hungry tongue ravishing every part of Changmin's mouth, and at the same time he's already unbuttoning his own clothes. He's already half naked when Changmin finally realizes it.
His eyes widen in shock when he realizes what Yoochun is planning. "What? No! I can't do that, Yoochun-ah."
"Is it because you don't want to or is it because you don't want to hurt me?" Yoochun whispers, not even bothering to stop getting rid of his clothes.
"The latter," Changmin honestly confesses. He breaks their series of kisses, distancing his body from his stepbrother and Yoochun has to use all his power to control the expression on his face, "I can't fuck you like all those men did in the past. I can't do it to you - can't even think of the possibility to inflict any pain on you. I don't want you to hurt because of our rash and momentarily needs."
"It's been six years, Changmin-ah," Yoochun scowls in frustration. His hands drop uselessly to his side, finally giving up on his attempt to unbutton and unzip his pants, "You think I haven't healed from that in those years? You want me to stay untouched for the rest of my life? Should I join a convent, become a monk? Do you really think I'm never going to fuck again just because some bastards ruined my youth?
They ruined my childhood, my youth... but no way I'm going to let them ruin the rest of my remaining life. I'm an adult now, I can do this," Yoochun leans forward, his breath brushing past Changmin's ear as he whispers, "Please... take me."
That broke the last bit of Changmin's resolution. He lurches forward, lips again crushing on each other, and it all becomes one mess in Yoochun's head when his head touches his pillow. The kiss is passionate and needy, so different from the sweet kiss in the beginning, and Changmin's hands are everywhere just like Yoochun's are.
Before he even realizes it, they're both naked. Yoochun finds himself marveling at the body of his stepbrother, his broad shoulders, the strong arms, the six pack. "Are you absolutely sure about this?" the lust in Changmin's eyes disappears for a moment to make place for grave earnestness. Yoochun nods in response, absolutely irked at the teasing, wanting nothing else but feel the man inside of him. "If I hurt you, you should say it and I'll stop immediately."
And Changmin is already working. His tongue is working, licking and wetting Yoochun's entrance, teasing as he dips it in and slips out again. Yoochun arches his back in pleasure, already moaning in heavy desire. He then goes back up again, leaving a trail of kisses from his lower abdomen to his neck and back again.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Changmin asks once again, a worried look in his eyes. Yoochun wants to scream stop teasing already! but he refrains from doing so and instead just nods. Changmin puts his fingers out, an apologetic look in his eyes as he mentions he doesn’t have any lube and Yoochun understands it, already sucking them without thinking. He doesn’t mind. He had been taken raw so many times and he certainly wouldn't mind if it was Changmin who'd take him raw. He sucks obediently, cheeks hollowing, tongue trying to wet everything the best he can.
"Let me... let me coat that too," he blushes when he carefully takes Changmin's manhood in his hand. He knew he had always been able to give great blowjobs but he didn't know if it was something like swimming - something you could still do even if you hadn't practiced it in a long time - or if it was something like having learned the basics of a language and forgetting all of it when it's not maintained.
Yoochun hesitantly puts Changmin's member in his mouth, his cheeks hollowing as he sucks it, a fist pumping the remaining length that he wasn't able to fit in his mouth. He hears the man moan and it makes Yoochun blush but it only encourages him to continue. He hums gently, the vibrations sending new sensations through Changmin and Yoochun has a hard time suppressing the satisfied smile when the cock in his mouth becomes hard.
However, he stops as abruptly as he had began. The whine that escapes from Changmin's lips doesn't go unheard and Yoochun smiles mischievously as he jokes, "I think that's enough coating."
He pushes his body closer to Changmin's, lips brushing his ear as he whispers, "Now... fuck me."
His words don’t go unheard. Changmin carefully pushes one digit in and Yoochun pants, his back arching again at the familiar yet unfamiliar intrusion. "It's okay," he says, assuring the older man. A second finger is added, pumping and twisting inside of him. It unexpectedly didn't feel wrong at all - it felt good to have any part of Changmin inside of him. A third finger was added, Changmin putting butterfly kisses everywhere in an attempt to distract him but honestly, Yoochun didn't mind the pain at all. It was a constant reminder to him that this was all really happening and not just something in his head.
When Changmin intrudes him, slowly, carefully, tenderly, Yoochun can't help but bite his lips in pain. His body wasn't used to this kind of intrusion anymore and there’s a sharp pain down there. The butterfly kisses are still continuing as a type of distraction and it actually helps. The sharp pain slowly turns into sweet pleasure, especially when Changmin's hand closes around Yoochun's own member, pumping it at the same rhythm of his thrusting.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," the words are already escaping from Yoochun's lips before he can stop them. The night is filled with stars, its radiation lighting the path Yoochun is walking on.
With a scream, Yoochun finally comes just as Changmin comes inside of him only a few seconds later. They both collapse on the bed, in the mess of come, sweat and love, and Changmin wraps his arms around Yoochun, their chests heaving at the same time.
"I love you," Yoochun whispers once again, finally daring to say the words out loud, "I love you so much it hurts just to think of a world without you. When I'm tired, you become my strength... When I feel like giving up on everything, you are the one who gets me through it. When I feel powerless, you become my reason to fight.
You... you are my everything. I won't need anyone or anything else as long as I have you."
Changmin leans in to kiss him once again, the sweet and gentle kiss from the beginning is back. Their lips move slowly, rhythmically, warm tongues wrapping around each other, dancing the dance of love.
"I love you too," Changmin simply replies, "I'll never hurt you, I'll never let anyone hurt you. That twinkling in your eyes, that smile... I'll make you smile every day. I need you in my life just as much as you need me... I love you."
Those three words sounded wonderful coming from Changmin's lips. They made Yooochun's heart beat faster, blood flushing to his cheeks and he smiles, hiding his face in the broad chest of the man. Changmin smelled nice.
I love you had finally gotten a meaning for him.