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[sweetestsiren]

 I know I never really post, but I guess I'm feeling particularly introspective with the start of the new year.

My cousin Ryan said something a few days ago about relationships that's been on my mind for a few days: "Movies have ruined relationships for girls. They have this ideal of meeting someone perfect and it all just working out." I started

Comments

[finishthehat]

I know we've talked about this a lot, but for me I think it's a combination of things. I've had experiences where I've hit it off with someone right away, and felt that kind of stuff-of-fantasies instant attraction. And even though I know full-well that that is not always how it goes, I find myself expecting and seeking that. For the most part for me, though, it is nothing more than a fear of putting myself out there. Like I've said to you many times before, it's just that I don't know what to do. I know that I'm a little awkward and a little shy, and it just seems like every time I'm getting hit on or asked out or asked for my phone number, it's by someone to whom I see no attraction, and in whom I have no interest. And even if I know you can't have that kind of serious attraction right away, IF I'm going to be attracted to someone at all, I usually do feel at least a spark of it right away, since I have a pretty definitive type. But I often feel like I'm in this place of having been discouraged, and just being lazy and not wanting

[sweetestsiren]

Yeah, I agree with a lot of this. I think the anxiety about putting myself out there/fear of rejection does in some sense prevent me from pursuing people I do find attractive. Maybe being too passive about it and avoiding risks is something I need to get over. And definitely agreed on the last part.

[brightredday]

I agree with finishthehat. I know I could probably have sex with random guys in clubs if I wanted, but I don't want to just screw some dude I'm not really interested in. And I have met a few guys I've clicked with, but things didn't work out for various reasons, so I know at least that initial feeling is out there, even if I have no proof of a magical happy ever after or whatnot. Such a huge part of attraction for me is intellectual rather than just physical that I've had more success at online dating than in real life, though neither has been super-successful, but that's just me not clicking with that many people, which is true with platonic relationships as well. It's definitely worth trying if you have any interest or curiosity; you can always cut off your account if you hate it or ignore any messages you don't like. It can be super-awkward, but I've had a few really fun dates, and at least I can't complain that I'm not being proactive about it.

I've been trying lately to actually put some work into finding a guy, because I don't expect

[sweetestsiren]

Thanks for the reply! I kind of envy the initial feeling of attraction to someone, because I'm not sure that I've ever really felt that in person. I think that's in part because I'm fairly guarded with new people and haven't met anyone who was able to break through that. I'm sure that it is out there, though, and I really am probably going to have to put more effort into seeking it out. An intellectual connection is hugely important for me, too. I dated a guy somewhat recently who was perfectly nice, attractive, etc., but I didn't feel any sort of chemistry with him and didn't find myself wanting to talk to him or feeling that I was getting anything out of the relationship

[brightredday]

Yeah, I've only felt that chemistry a couple times (and several times I felt it, my hopes were dashed as the date was ending), but it is important. It's terrible when you meet with someone who you think is going to be great and you just don't feel that spark. Totally disappointing.

And you're probably right about the logistics of online dating--I know one person who had a hard time finding very many people online in her area when she tried it, though she found more guys on some of the larger paid sites like match.com. I have actually on occasion had some communications with guys who live nowhere near me (one as far away as Switzerland), and that was fun and a little reassuring that good guys were out there, even if I knew I'd never meet them.

And yes, I'm an INTJ. :) It's probably even harder for perfectionist introverts like us to find connection.

[sylvia_rose]

We should talk about this on Sunday. I would love to pick your brain about it. ^_^