A New Mission (cont.)
1.3
Try as he might, Zuko couldn’t manage to escape the painful and conflicting emotions that had haunted him since witnessing the scene earlier that evening. Nothing, not meditating nor sword practice nor firebending, could seem to distract him from the lump of lead that had settled in his stomach, a dull yet powerful ache that continued to thrum throughout his entire body. As the evening wore on and the pain refused to subside, the Fire Lord grew angrier and angrier with himself. What frustrated him the most was that he couldn’t understand why he felt so hurt seeing his two friends kiss.
Zuko was able to admit to himself that he had always harbored a fairly strong attraction to Katara. Even as enemies, he had admired her stunning beauty, had respected her passion and fierce loyalty, had been amazed by her awe-inspiring waterbending. After joining Aang’s quest and finally being accepted and forgiven for his betrayal, Zuko’s admiration for Katara grew deeper and deeper. Although they only had a short time as friends before Sozin’s Comet arrived, Zuko and Katara formed a profound bond with each other incredibly quickly. Even the gang joked about how close they had become in such a short time.
After journeying together to find closure for her mother’s murder, the two teenagers had been nearly inseparable. When they weren’t training Aang for the upcoming war, they spent their days sparring together, their attacks so fluid and in unison with each other that to an outsider it would have appeared to be a beautiful, well-choreographed dance rather than a battle. Their evenings were spent in each other’s company as well. Some nights they lay on the grass and stared into the stars, exchanging sad stories of motherless childhoods. Other nights were spent huddled around the campfire well after everyone else had drifted off, confessing their hopes for their futures after Ozai’s defeat and their fears for the future if they failed. Although he had grown to love all the members of his new little family, none of them could come close to the trust Zuko held deep in his heart for Katara.
After everything they had been through together, in the end it was only natural that Zuko chose Katara to be at his side in the battle against his deranged sister. As he had lain on the ground writhing in pain after jumping in front of Azula’s blast, he realized that if he made it out of the fight alive he would do anything in his power to protect Katara from ever being hurt, even if that meant sacrificing himself all over again.
However, despite all this, Zuko never allowed himself to consider his love for Katara as anything more than platonic. He forced himself to ignore the fluttering in his chest each time she smiled at him. He smothered the heat that rose on his cheeks every time her hair grazed his skin as she brushed past him. He tried desperately to calm his racing heart whenever she took his hand in hers.
Like everyone else in the group, Zuko was painfully aware of the young Avatar’s feelings for the girl. Regardless of how their relationship had begun, Aang was now one of his best friends, and Zuko would never wish to cause the young boy any more pain than he had already been forced to suffer.
Zuko also fully understood the sad fact that they were headed into a war. Though he knew that his emotions and his bonds with his friends were great assets, he also realized that it was not the time to indulge in any selfish desires that might distract him from his responsibility. His duty was to act as an ally to the Avatar and, if he survived, to help restore peace to the Four Nations as the Fire Lord.
The war was over now. Sozin’s Comet had come and gone, Ozai was locked up and powerless, and Azula was trapped in the prison of her own crazed mind. Although the threat had passed, Zuko knew that a lasting peace throughout the world was still a distant goal, and until it had been achieved his life would not truly be his own. He would always be the Fire Lord, first and foremost. It was a small price to pay for finally being able to restore his honor and right the wrongs of his past.
So, if he knew all of this, why the hell was he so upset?
Zuko gave up pacing the worn floorboards of his room and collapsed onto the small bed. He threw his hands over his face and released a frustrated groan.
It didn’t come as much of a surprise, really. When he thought about it, it was actually quite cliché. Of course the hero gets the girl in the end. Isn’t that how fairytales usually work out? But somewhere, deep in the recesses of his heart, Zuko wondered why he couldn’t have been the hero of this tale.
He slid his arms off his face and stared at the yellowed paint chipping off the ceiling. It shouldn’t feel this way. He had Mai. He cared about Mai deeply. She had been there with him for so long. She was one of the only people in his childhood besides his mother and uncle who had accepted him for who he was. He was happy with her… right? So why shouldn’t Aang and Katara be happy, too? They had earned it just as much as, if not more than, anyone else.
And then Zuko understood why it hurt so badly. For some irrational reason it felt like Katara had betrayed him. He knew this wasn’t really true, of course. He had never had any illusions that she could feel anything more for him than absolute friendship and trust. But that wasn’t what bothered him. What hurt him was the fact that he never believed she could ever truly feel that way about Aang. He had always known that Katara loved the Avatar deeply, but he never sensed a romantic aspect to their relationship. If anything, (though he was loathe to admit it) it seemed as if the Ember Island Players had gotten it right. Katara cared for Aang the way a sister cares for her young brother. Although she had acted as mother to the entire group, she behaved especially maternally towards Aang, always nearby when he needed a reassuring hug and words of encouragement. It was the same way Zuko’s mother had held him during the harshest moments of his own childhood. It was a pure love, but not a romantic love.
Obviously, however, he was wrong. From the brief glimpse he had gotten of their kiss, Zuko could tell it was decidedly not platonic. She did love Aang the way the Avatar loved her.
She loved Aang.
Zuko blinked his eyes rapidly, forcing one small tear to escape and roll down his unscarred cheek. He heaved a deep sigh and turned on his side to blow out the candle near his bed. As he lay back down, he struggled to clear all thoughts from his mind and sleep. He had work to do tomorrow.