This is Our Love - Part 2
Characters: Fernando Alonso, Mark Webber, Jenson Button, David Coulthard, Jessica Michibata,
Pairings: Alonso/Webber, Button/Michibata
Ratings: Blue Flag
Summary: The thing they never expected might just turn out to be the very thing they needed (Sequel to This Is Love)
Warning: MPreg
Disclaimer: Not real, didn't happen.
“Ha! Ooh.” Mark quietened himself. He was watching the race at Silverstone on the television, having put the volume down to avoid disturbing Flynn it mattered little when he decided to scream the house down anyway. It was when Mark leant down to pick him up after he wouldn’t calm down, he gave him a short while to soothe himself but when it was clear it wasn’t going to happen he caught the remote under his arm and the volume shot up. The engines were revving for the formation lap and Flynn was silenced without having to be picked up.
“You little terror, we’re doomed.” Mark rested his foot on the edge of the bouncy seat and jiggled it. “And now I’m Christian.” He turned the volume down marginally so it was comfortable for him to listen to, and sat back to enjoy the race. He had toyed with the idea of going, but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to chill at home with Flynn, especially when Fernando was concentrating on life after racing. The karting track and cycling team were prime opportunities to fill his time, but he anticipated that something else was on the horizon.
Ready the karts, he likes the sound of F1 engines :)
He didn’t expect a reply straight away but he knew it would raise a smile nonetheless, Fernando was probably in a meeting and he was glad he was closer to his normal self once more. Things were far from perfect, but Mark realised it was naive to think it would be anything but, Fernando had been through something monumental and life changing. They both had, but it had happened to Fernando in a brutal fashion, but it made him love him even more.
“Feeling better now?” Mark gazed down at Flynn who cooed back at him in agreement. “Come on, let’s watch Mitch get his first win, yeah?” He scooped him up, but despite showing an interest in the engine noise he was happy to fall asleep against his chest.
“I’m going to get in trouble for letting you nap.” But really he didn’t care, he had racing on the television and his son snoozing on his chest, his tiny hands grasping at his shirt. As he watched Mitch get a brilliant start he felt his temperature rise from the little radiator he was holding, he had the large doors to the garden open wide to let the little breeze about flow into the house. “Bloody hell mate.” He placed the back of his hand to his forehead and although he felt a little hot it wasn’t enough to be too much of a worry.
The summer sun was unrelenting this year, even the dogs were struggling to spend more than a few minutes on the grass, so with one eye on the race and another on his son he just about managed to slip his tee shirt off before tackling Flynn’s. “Ah, that’s better isn’t it?”
“Come on Mitch.” He cheered him on quietly. He was running in third with Lewis and Sebastian battling up ahead. They were taking chunks of time out of each other and he could feel his heart quicken when Mitch finally got on the back of Lewis. “Easy fella, pick your mo...nice.”
“Look at that, your uncle Mitch has just taken Lewis, now it’s Seb’s turn... and you've got spectacular timing yourself matey.” Mark stood up and took them both to the nursery. “Pit stop.” He changed the nappy as quickly as he dared without incident and returned to the lounge to see Mitch square up to Sebastian. “Come on!” Flynn looked up at him with alarm at the loudness of his voice and his face began to scrunch up. “No, no, no...look, it’s uncle Mitch.” Mark pointed at the action and Flynn snivelled as his focus was pulled to the screen. “Aha, he did it!” He bounced up and down a couple of times which made his son relax his face.
“Just has to get to the line now. You want to do that?” Mark watched a hand grab out at the screen. “It’d be a lot easier if you didn’t you know, it’s a bloody hard life, but I wouldn’t have met your papa.” He observed the concentration in Flynn’s face. “Just try and figure things out a bit quicker than me mate.” He kissed his son's forehead.
Fernando had wanted to get home for the race, they had watched most of the others together but today he was happy to skip out on it, Mark needed alone time with Flynn as they had only had limited in his first four months. And now he was treated to a topless Mark cradling their son, but something was off.
“Hello.” Fernando announced his return.
“Hi, I don’t think he’s coping with the heat very well.” Mark had placed a damp towel around his shoulders and was standing near the open doors to catch any breeze that was willing to come through the house.
“Oh.” Fernando dropped his bags and rushed over, placing a hand on his forehead he had to agree. “What should we do?”
“Get the thermometer.” Mark slipped the cloth off of Flynn and dried him with a towel. “What is it?” Fernando was holding it under his armpit and the words were out of Mark’s mouth the moment it beeped.
“Thirty eight point four.” Fernando read the numbers off.
“That’s not too bad, he’s alert enough...what are you doing?” Fernando was looking panicky.
“We need to take him to the doctor.” He picked up the baby bag and was heading towards the front door.
“Fer, it’s only up a little, we just need to keep an eye on him.” His travelling time was spent swotting up with baby books, and he knew that if it crept closer to thirty nine then they could worry.
“But...he, what if he…”
“We’ll keep taking his temperature at regular intervals and keep him cool, there’s no need to worry.” Mark cupped Fernando’s face. It took a couple of hours, but by the time they had watched the rest of the race coverage and squeezed in a phone call to Mitch to congratulate him Flynn was doing better.
“Is back to normal now. Is good you are here, I would have been at the doctors, they would have thought I was stupid.” Fernando finally allowed himself to relax.
“I was worried too Fer, really worried.” Mark admitted quietly.
“Why didn’t you say?” Fernando asked sharply.
“What use would it have been if we were both freaking out?” Mark was bouncing Flynn in his chair again and he was back to his usual happy self.
“This is why I need you, you are calm.” Fernando rearranged himself to lay his head on Mark’s lap, with his legs dangling over the arm of the sofa he felt a little younger than his years. “He’s going to have a massive chin.”
“And enormous eyebrows.” Mark stroked his face.
“And a huge nose.” Fernando reach up to squeeze Mark’s.
“With a big stubborn streak.” Mark patted Fernando’s chest.
“Don’t forget all that competitiveness.” Fernando grinned.
“Probably be short though, can’t win them all.” Mark grabbed at Fernando’s waist to tickle him and adored the way he squirmed with the biggest smile on his face he’d seen in a while.
“Being short is good for drivers.” Fernando yelped as Mark decided not to give up and continued to tickle him until he begged for relief. “Mark, por favor, por favor!”
“You reckon he’ll be a driver then?” Mark finally relented.
“Si, you say he likes engines.” He panted. “I talk to Stefano.”
---
“Flying colours mum.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He’s spot on now.” Mark bounced him on his knee so his mum could see Flynn smile. “Six month check up done and passed. He’s sitting up on his own, rolling about and I think he’s about to say his first word too.” And right on cue Flynn started babbling away determinedly, his brow furrowed in a way that suggested he was frustrated that he wasn’t being understood.
“He looks just like you when he does that.” She wondered. She had no idea whether it was her son or Fernando who was involved with the surrogate, it swung from one to the other each time she saw Flynn, but she wouldn’t ask. The grandparents had all discussed it when they first met Flynn, but promised each other not to tackle their boys on it, but it didn’t stop them bringing it up amongst themselves over the phone.
Mark craned his head to double check Flynn’s expression, and it may have been one he’d used himself on occasion.
“Sorry we couldn’t make it Le Mans this time.”
“It’s alright, I only came second, how is dad anyway?” He had done his back in a week before they were due to fly out.
“He’s enjoying being waited on!” She laughed. “He wanted a bell.”
“Brave man.” Mark chuckled. “Here’s some good news though, we’re all making our way to Oz straight after China. I’ll go from China and Fernando will follow on with Flynn from here.”
“Now that is good news. I hope you can trust us with some babysitting duties, you must need some time to yourselves. How are you two anyway?”
“Alright.” They were getting there. “Fernando is getting back on track, he’s got his business head on at the moment, spending his time going to meetings.” He desperately wanted to tell someone about the silent world they lived in, they chatted about Flynn and normal things but under the surface they were both shutting down.
“It’s hard isn’t it?” She could hear it in his voice, but didn’t choose to press him.
“Yeah, we’ll get there, you know, it’s an adjustment.” Mark tried not to let his mum worry, but he knew she was no fool.
“Bit more than that, talk about a huge upheaval, life altering and brutal. Worth it though.” She loved watching her son adapt to family life and despite the panicky middle of the night calls and dark circles under his eyes, they all knew he was perfect for the job.
“It is. Me and Fernando will get there, maybe some time alone would help.” They hadn’t had any proper alone time yet, although neither of them really wanted to leave the little guy alone, he knew it was vital for their survival. Not being with Fernando wasn’t an option.
“Believe me it’s necessary.” She gave a knowing smile.
---
He couldn’t take much more, he really couldn’t. Mark wasn’t back yet after leaving him yet again and Flynn wouldn’t stop crying. He’d been at it all day and no matter what he did, whether he fed, changed or played with him, he continued to sob. Fernando wasn’t going to leave him in the house alone, but now the dogs were howling to be let into his office, joining in with the unhappy chorus.
He would be crying too if he had the energy after an unexpected sleepless night, and he wanted to blame Mark. Flynn must miss him just as much as he did and he couldn’t be sated with a conversation on the phone, he needed his touch, he needed to be held and Fernando couldn’t do that right now.
Fernando picked up the sound of a car door slamming shut and finally picked himself off of the floor of his office, he had his back pressed up against the door in an effort to barricade himself in and keep the pressure out, and knowing he had a chance to escape he made a move.
Mark could hear Flynn wailing as soon as he approached the front door, he was fairly clued up on the series of cried his son could emit and this one sounded new, he sounded tired and like he’d been at it for a while. Worried about what was going on inside Mark fumbled with his bags as he strained to enter his home. “Hello? Fernando?”
When he didn’t get an immediate response he walked quickly in the direction of Flynn’s room after dumping his bags on the floor, he was screaming and it was clear how rough his throat was. “Fernando?”
“Glad to see you’re finally fucking back!” Fernando yelled. The anger of being left alone finally reaching the surface.
“What’s wrong?” Mark raced up to him to take a hold of the squirming infant being held out at him.
“You deal with him, you can always make him happy!” He spat venomously.
“Fernando.” He tried to stop him from disappearing while simultaneously trying to calm his screaming son down. “What’s going on?” He tried to keep his voice level.
“You’re never here!” Fernando called back as he stood at the front door.
“I always come back as soon as I can, the plane was delayed. I couldn’t do anything about that. I’m sorry.” Flynn was still battling away in his arms and it was distressing.
“Just another excuse.” Fernando gesticulated wildly. “You get it so fucking easy!” Fernando screamed before yanking the door open. “I do all the hard work and you turn up to play, it’s not all about playing!” Slamming the front door violently he jumped into his car and drove hard and fast away from the house, the responsibility and the constant reminder about what was wrong about him.
The sharp noise shocked Flynn into silence but only for a moment, he was in tune to the mood of his fathers and a whimper soon transformed into a sob. “Oh Flynn, shush.” Mark cradled him tightly and rocked his son desperately trying to get him to calm down. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Wandering over to the sink he dampened a piece of kitchen towel before wiping Flynn’s face clear of tears, the cool water helped, but the threat was still there so Mark switched on the television and brought up a pre-recorded race to play the engine noise. Relief.
“I’m so sorry.” Mark breathed quietly. “Your papa is doing such a hard job and he’s doing it so well. But you know that already don’t you.” Relieved that Flynn wasn’t in such a distressed state any more Mark stood up and returned to the kitchen to make up a feed. Able too manage it one handed he placed a scoop of powder into the water before shaking the bottle vigorously, wedging it into his back pocket he called for the dogs and opened the french doors to the garden.
“I think some fresh air will do us all some good.” He could see the dogs were itching for a long walk and as they enjoyed the outdoors Mark sat down on the grass and fed Flynn his bottle, staying silent to listen to the sucking noises he made around the teat. Flynn drank it down hungrily and it didn’t take long for him to start falling asleep, flicking the small towel he picked up over his shoulder he put Flynn in his usual position and patted his back until he heard the expected burp.
“Good boy. How about we talk the dogs out?” He knew Flynn would fall asleep, but the dogs needed to go out and a stroll in his pram wouldn’t do him any harm.
In between calling the dogs back to him and making sure Flynn was okay Mark spent the walk through the local countryside thinking about Fernando and what he had said. He questioned himself, had he really been so blind to miss how much he was hurting, how much he was struggling, how much he had clearly hurt him. Mark tried to call him but his phone was off, and leaving a message wouldn’t have been much use as he had no idea what he was going to say anyway.
“Shadow, Simba!” They’d been out for just over an hour and he was getting the feeling they needed to get back, the dogs were just pacing about and slowing down, a clear indication they were content with the exercise. Pushing the pram back over the same path he had walked earlier he stared down at his son dozing, when did this all happen he asked himself. When did he become a father?
When did he stop being Fernando’s partner?
The dogs stuck close to him and only left his side when the house was in sight, and with Fernando’s car still gone he took Flynn to his sanctuary, his office was the best place for all of them, the dogs followed him in and curled up on their beds but kept an eye on their master.
“See that, that was my first win.” Mark pointed to a picture of him on the podium in Germany all that time ago in 2009. Flynn was awake and trying his best to copy Mark. “That’s it, less of the finger though mate it’s not very cool.” He kissed the top of his head and fell in love a bit more with his scent. “And that there is the best overtake and it was with your papa, I told you all about this when you were a bump.”
He loved falling asleep with his hand resting over Fernando’s stomach, feeling the kicks and flutters, now he was lucky to feel the warmth of Fernando’s body when they slept in the same bed. “But I guess you don’t remember that, how about you hear it again? It was at Spa…” Mark told him it all in detail again.
“He’s not angry with you.” Mark knew Flynn probably didn’t understand but he felt the need to anyway. “He’s angry with me, I’ve dumped way too much on him. I’m so awful. You’re not though, you are perfect.”
Fernando was still driving, the sensation of the engine and taking in corner in sequence soothing him, but there was still an underlying anger within him that was forcing his foot down on the accelerator. Faster and faster he went until he caught a glimpse of the speedo and hastily applied the brake, shocking himself into slowing down he remembered where he was heading. A day late, but he was getting there, just a phone call and they said they were happy to wait, for him they would wait.
---
“Glad to have you on board Fernando, this should get things moving along for us.”
Fernando got out of his chair and shook the other man’s hand firmly, this was a deal for him and him alone and he was glad it had happened. He wasn’t ready to just give up yet, he had been thinking of retiring but it was clear he wasn’t ready yet, he needed more, he needed closure.
But he wasn’t ready to tell Mark even though he was ready to sign the contract, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he felt the need to keep it secret. The kart track was practically running itself after he invested in a talented manager and the cycling team was going from strength to strength, the important meetings he was telling Mark about were to do with this.
“I hope so.”
“Of course, you did not stop being great because you stopped.”
“Is what I think.” He felt bolstered by the compliment.
---
“So no tricks before I go?” Mark asked glumly before he left for Brazil. He has yet to see anything new, Fernando was definitely the testing board for all of his milestones, he did see little things but nothing like sitting up on his own or rolling over. “No? Ah well, you save them up for when I’m back.” He kissed his cheek and received a smile in return. Putting Flynn into Fernando’s arms he kissed his partner harder, there was something in his eyes that made him feel like he was slipping away.
“Bye.” Fernando patted his shoulder awkwardly with his free hand but had to take it back as Flynn wriggled to turn away from his chest.
“Dada.” Flynn’s arms stretched out to reach for Mark.
“What did you...did he?” Mark switched his gaze from Flynn to Fernando. “Did you just say my name?”
“I think he did.” Fernando’s face relaxed into an easy smile.
“Dada.” He scrunched his hands at Mark, wanting his attention.
“Oh god, you little genius.” Mark picked Flynn out of Fernando’s arms and lifted him up so they were face to face, peppering his face with kisses in praise he soaked up the giggle that erupted from him.
“Now you just need to say papa and you’ll be set.” He looked up at Fernando’s stoic face. “Sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry about?” He questioned.
“For moaning about missing things like this, I’ve been unfair to you. I think we need to have some time on our own.” He tucked a strand of Fernando’s growing hair behind an ear. “We’re drifting apart.” He let his fingers thread into his hair. “And I’m really scared.”
“Is it because we’ve not had sex since...”
“No, it’s not about the sex.” He bounced Flynn lightly. “It’s because we don’t spend any time with each other, even with Flynn.” He was recognising his name now too. “Yeah you little guy.” He let him grab a finger. "Not that we did loads before, but we don't talk much and when we do it's baby related."
"I think we shall have some time alone. Will be better then." Fernando nodded. He knew Mark was right, he just felt stuck between having Flynn and finding out why it happened to him. What level of freak was he?
"Maybe we should see if we could get a babysitter in?" Mark fussed over Flynn a little more while he held his phone ready to capture his first word. "Come on say it again."
“He’s not a performing monkey.” Fernando pointed out.
“I just want it with me.” Mark put his phone away, giving up before he missed his flight.
“He’ll do it again.” Fernando took him back after watching Mark take a breath of Flynn’s hair. “You just miss your dada don’t you?”
“Dada.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” Mark returned. “I need to go.” He hovered for a few moments and kissed the top of Flynn’s head before moving onto Fernando’s. “I love you, please remember that.”
---
“You’re...I don’t get it, you’ve spent all this year going on about how you want me at home more and now you’re racing again?” Mark couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
Fernando swallowed thickly. “I need another...win. I need to win again.” He hated himself.
“That’s fine Fernando, I get that.” He stressed. “What I don’t get is you making me feel like shit for wanting the same thing this year.” Mark paced back and forth doing whatever he could to keep his voice down, with Flynn sleeping not far away he didn’t want to stop the conversation to deal with him.
“I didn’t mean…”
“How can you say that, a couple of months ago you were going on about how long I’ve been away for, you’d totalled it up for fucks sake.” He hissed. “How is that not meaning to make me feel guilty?” Bringing up past arguments wasn’t a smart thing to do but he had to here.
“Mark…” He took a few steps away from him to try and find the words, but Mark didn’t give up.
“How long ago did you sign?” Mark’s voice was terse, forced out between gritted teeth.
"A couple of months." He mumbled quietly.
"You've got to be fucking kidding! Why did you keep it from me?" Mark balled his hands into fists to try and keep the anger dampened down.
"I...don't know." He knew.
"Piss off, you do."
"I didn't want you to be angry with me." His voice was getting weaker and weaker.
"I wouldn't have been a couple of months ago, and that’s not the reason.” He could see it in his eyes. “Stop lying to me.” Mark growled.
“You want to know what’s wrong with me?” Fernando challenged.
“That’s not what I’m getting at Fernando.” He sighed, exasperated.
“Is something wrong.”
Mark’s blood ran ice cold, Fernando was using the same tone he used before he dropped the baby bombshell. “Please tell me there’s no video.”
His hand was on the handle for the patio doors, pushing it down he bolted down the garden, but it didn’t take long for Mark to catch him roughly by the arm. “I went to the doctor.” He had finally returned the call.
“Alfredo?”
“Si, he says I…”
“Fer we need to go back to the house, Flynn’s in there alone.” Mark knew it was serious and despite not having any close neighbours he didn’t want to have this sort of conversation in the open.
“I don’t want him to hear.” He stopped at the threshold before sitting on the grass heavily.
“He can’t understand.” Mark rubbed his back. “Please tell me.”
“You won’t want me.”
“Tell me.” Mark’s voice wobbled.
“He says I got pregnant because I did have girl parts, he said it’s complicated how it happened but that’s why. I’m a girl, you can’t want me now.” It had taken some time to go back for the results and he wished he hadn't bothered at all.
“Why can’t I?” Mark slipped an arm around his shoulder, his anger still there but replaced temporarily with the need to reassure Fernando. “As amazing as your dick is mate, I didn’t just fall in love with that part of you.” This was uncharted territory for both of them and shouting now wasn’t going to make things better for the three of them.
“Am a freak.” He whimpered.
“You didn’t think I figured that out when you had a baby kicking inside of you.” Mark laughed quietly to ease the thick tension as he brought their shoulders together. “Fernando I do not think that of you, what I do think is that you are keeping secrets from me and that is something I can’t deal with.” He had faced his fair share of secrets in the past he had to bear; upgrades not going his way, technology never quite making it onto his car, meetings he was never invited to.
And watching Fernando rest his head on his knees, he knew his struggles matched his own at the very least, he couldn’t bear to have things kept from him but he knew Fernando was aware of this. The enormity and weight of what had been forced upon him must have been crushing.
“Do you want to race to feel like a man?” He didn’t get a reply but instead Fernando began to gently sob in his arms. “Oh Nano, having Flynn doesn’t make you any less a man. It’s just a funny little blip, you always said you were magic.” It didn’t make things better but it didn’t make things worse. “He can always sense it can’t he?” Mark pressed his lips against his temple but waited for Flynn to try and soothe himself before leaping up to see to him.
“You still want me?”
“Of course I do, but seriously, the hiding…” Flynn was at a torturous level of screaming by now. “The hiding, the secrets have to stop, I can’t cope with that. You know everything about me.” Fernando was one of the few people he was open with in his final year in Formula One, he knew he was leaving and found it easy to be friends with him in the open and once his title chances disappeared the words flowed easier too.
As Mark hauled himself up Fernando reflected on what he had said, he knew Mark kept no secrets from him, the only ones he did were fun things like coming home early and having dinner waiting for him. But he had kept so many things away from him; the pregnancy, the drive for next year, the fact he was a girl.
“Is it permanent? I mean is there something you can do, or have done?” Mark asked clumsily. “Sorry.”
Fernando looked up to see Mark return without Flynn.
“Just needed a change.” Mark replied to the quizzical face below him.
“Alfredo said he took everything out when I had Flynn, I agreed before for him to do that, but it doesn’t change what I am.” He hugged himself. “I don’t want this.” Fernando had given permission to take anything out that wasn’t supposed to be there as he did not want a second operation to explain.
Mark took up the space next to Fernando on the grass again. “We rarely get everything we want, but that doesn’t mean what we get isn’t what we need.” Fernando blinked a few times before looking at him. “I never thought I would fall in love with you, but it turns out I needed to. I never wanted children, but I need Flynn. I never thought I wanted life to be like this and it turns out it was exactly what I needed.”
“Really?” He’d never seen Mark bear his soul so openly before.
“Yes, god damn it Fernando you’ve turned my whole life upside down and I don’t want it any other way. And if you want to ask if I look at you any differently knowing all this, the answer is no and no matter when you ask me that in the future the answer will be the same.” Mark looked out over their garden and the dogs chewing on a couple of toys in the dying light of the day.
Fernando launched himself at Mark and swamped him with his body. “No secrets, promise.”
“Bloody hope so too mate.” He let himself breathe Fernando in and revelled in the breakthrough.
---
“All strapped in?” Fernando tugged on the straps of the car seat to make sure.
“Where do you want to go?” Mark slipped into the drivers seat and buckled himself in.
Fernando took up the passengers seat beside him and unfurled the list he’d written. “We’ve got to buy quite a bit.”
“Alright.” With the list in the corner of his eye Mark turned left. “How about we get his stuff first and then go to the market?”
“Sounds good.” Fernando craned his neck to look at Flynn, happily chomping on his hand with his cheeks flushed. “I think he might be teething.”
“I thought that the other day, he’s been chewing everything.” With the radio on low they chatted about the photos they’d seen of Jenson’s daughter, the funny article about them in Autosport about Flynn already being signed up to the Red Bull programme, and the funnier article about Stefano fighting to get him to join Ferrari. Tentatively feeling their way back to something close to normal after awkward silences and increasing levels of tension, they kept it light.
The trip to the supermarket was uneventful, as long as Flynn was kept busy with a carrot stick to gum he was content to be pushed around in a trolley while it was slowly filled with nappies and milk powder.
“Guess we need to start thinking about solid food.” Mark picked up a box of baby cereal and flicked it over to read the back. Spanish. He managed well enough to get the gist but handed it over to Fernando to make sure. “Looks like it’s okay for him.”
“Si, is right.” Fernando agreed and put a couple of boxes in the trolley. “It’s going really quickly, he’s growing up fast.”
“Yeah, it’s October, so that makes him eight months. Christ.” Mark was bewildered by the thought.
“Is not long for his first birthday.” Fernando browsed through some more baby food.
“Hold your horses, let’s just get him onto solids first.” He laughed as he left to gather a few more things they needed.
“Is such a sweet boy.”
Fernando turned around to the elderly woman who was squeezing one of Flynn’s cheeks softly, he expected tears or shyness but his son was playing the part perfectly. Gurgling and smiling he acted up for his audience who Fernando had quickly recognised as a neighbour. They chatted about local news for a while with Flynn doing his best to join in.
“He is a very happy boy.”
Mark smiled as he returned with toilet roll and washing powder, the level of domesticity not lost on him, and saw Fernando showing off Flynn. Putting yet more things in the trolley he found himself slipped into the conversation.
“...and this is his other father, Mark.”
“Two papa’s Flynn, is a lucky boy.” They all chatted and cooed over Flynn for a little longer before she waved and shuffled off smiling.
“You should see you face when you talk about Flynn to other people.” He began to push the trolley towards the checkouts. “It makes you happy doesn’t it?”
“Si, am proud of him, of us.” Walking beside Mark he rubbed the small of his back affectionately, which got a strong arm around his neck and a kiss to the head in reply.
“We’ll get there Nano, it doesn’t matter how long, but we will.” Mark was counting on some time alone in Australia with Fernando to consolidate the progress they had made. All the time spent reading baby books he missed some of the post-birth chapters stupidly assuming it was just about recovery for women, but when he did read them he was angry with himself. It became so clear when he read them, post-natal depression.
As the items were scanned through they packed them into bags together, but Mark couldn’t shake the thought, he knew they needed help, Fernando especially. He was doing well but even if they got it Fernando would have to lie about the reason why he was suffering which was counterproductive. The odd day they had spent alone at the beach while Fernando’s sister took care of Flynn were a tonic for them, but as she had her own children it wasn’t an offer they wanted to abuse.
“How about when we all go to Australia together next month, we hang around for Christmas?” Mark piped up as they made their way across the carpark.
“Oh.” Fernando waited for Mark to unlock the car before loading the shopping.
“I just thought my parents haven’t seen Flynn since the first time, and my sister hasn’t seen him at all, nor have my friends. I was thinking if we’re there for a month or so they can all spend some quality time with him.” Mark surmised as he put the bag filled with milk powder into the boot.
It was a hard argument to battle against, he knew his parents were desperate to spend Christmas with the three of them, and had already suggested it. At the time Fernando said he liked the idea and would discuss it with Mark, but it was going to be hard to say yes to them now.
“Thank about it, a hot Christmas. We could go to the beach, wear shorts, drink cold beer, go surfing, and get cooked for.” Mark beamed. “Plus I can show Flynn what it is to be an Aussie. How about that champ? What about some Aussie sand between these toes.” He tugged on Flynn’s foot to be given a confused look. “So what do you think?” Mark asked.
Mark had picked Flynn out of the trolley seat and Fernando saw the opportunity to give himself a little more time. “I’ll take the cart back.” But before he slotted it inside another he had his answer, he loved Mark’s family and he had a point, he hadn’t seen them since March and Flynn had changed so much, his personality was shining through strongly now.
And then there was lazing about the beach with Mark, when they took a couple of hours to themselves it was heaven just to lie in the heat and soak up the sun. Mark was already sat in the car when he returned, taking a breath he filled the passenger seat and replied to the question. “My parents wanted us to go to them this year, but I see why you want us to see yours.”
“What are you saying then?” Mark knew Fernando felt comfortable around his own family, but saw them regularly. Since having Flynn he was missing his own more and more.
“I think it’s time for Flynn to see where his daddy came from.” His parents would understand, they got to see him several times a month at least. “How about that?” Flynn babbled back at them with a smile. “Is important for you, no?”
“It is, don’t take this the wrong way, I love living in Spain with you, but I don’t want him to miss out on things. I want him to be Australian too.”
“Of course he is.” He was half Spanish, half Australian.
“I mean he’s going to have a Spanish accent and speak Spanish, essentially be Spanish, which is fine, really it is. But, I don’t know, I sound stupid, but I’m just aware we can’t just go to Australia whenever we want and my parents are getting older. Sorry to be like this.”
“I didn’t realise you felt this way.”
“It’s only recently to be honest, my dad’s back still isn’t right and it’s just made me think.” He shrugged as he slotted the key into the ignition, his hands lay limply on the steering wheel as he waited for the motivation to get them to the market.
Fernando leant across the gearstick and with a hand he pulled Mark’s face so he could kiss it better, cradling his cheek he gently flicked his tongue across his lower lip to gain access. It was a slow kiss, one born out of years of knowledge and experience, Fernando knew this was what Mark liked the most.
“You can teach him all the Australian words, and then he can tell his friends he is bonza!” Fernando understood what Mark was getting at, he would feel exactly the same if they were living in Australia.
Pairings: Alonso/Webber, Button/Michibata
Ratings: Blue Flag
Summary: The thing they never expected might just turn out to be the very thing they needed (Sequel to This Is Love)
Warning: MPreg
Disclaimer: Not real, didn't happen.
“Ha! Ooh.” Mark quietened himself. He was watching the race at Silverstone on the television, having put the volume down to avoid disturbing Flynn it mattered little when he decided to scream the house down anyway. It was when Mark leant down to pick him up after he wouldn’t calm down, he gave him a short while to soothe himself but when it was clear it wasn’t going to happen he caught the remote under his arm and the volume shot up. The engines were revving for the formation lap and Flynn was silenced without having to be picked up.
“You little terror, we’re doomed.” Mark rested his foot on the edge of the bouncy seat and jiggled it. “And now I’m Christian.” He turned the volume down marginally so it was comfortable for him to listen to, and sat back to enjoy the race. He had toyed with the idea of going, but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to chill at home with Flynn, especially when Fernando was concentrating on life after racing. The karting track and cycling team were prime opportunities to fill his time, but he anticipated that something else was on the horizon.
Ready the karts, he likes the sound of F1 engines :)
He didn’t expect a reply straight away but he knew it would raise a smile nonetheless, Fernando was probably in a meeting and he was glad he was closer to his normal self once more. Things were far from perfect, but Mark realised it was naive to think it would be anything but, Fernando had been through something monumental and life changing. They both had, but it had happened to Fernando in a brutal fashion, but it made him love him even more.
“Feeling better now?” Mark gazed down at Flynn who cooed back at him in agreement. “Come on, let’s watch Mitch get his first win, yeah?” He scooped him up, but despite showing an interest in the engine noise he was happy to fall asleep against his chest.
“I’m going to get in trouble for letting you nap.” But really he didn’t care, he had racing on the television and his son snoozing on his chest, his tiny hands grasping at his shirt. As he watched Mitch get a brilliant start he felt his temperature rise from the little radiator he was holding, he had the large doors to the garden open wide to let the little breeze about flow into the house. “Bloody hell mate.” He placed the back of his hand to his forehead and although he felt a little hot it wasn’t enough to be too much of a worry.
The summer sun was unrelenting this year, even the dogs were struggling to spend more than a few minutes on the grass, so with one eye on the race and another on his son he just about managed to slip his tee shirt off before tackling Flynn’s. “Ah, that’s better isn’t it?”
“Come on Mitch.” He cheered him on quietly. He was running in third with Lewis and Sebastian battling up ahead. They were taking chunks of time out of each other and he could feel his heart quicken when Mitch finally got on the back of Lewis. “Easy fella, pick your mo...nice.”
“Look at that, your uncle Mitch has just taken Lewis, now it’s Seb’s turn... and you've got spectacular timing yourself matey.” Mark stood up and took them both to the nursery. “Pit stop.” He changed the nappy as quickly as he dared without incident and returned to the lounge to see Mitch square up to Sebastian. “Come on!” Flynn looked up at him with alarm at the loudness of his voice and his face began to scrunch up. “No, no, no...look, it’s uncle Mitch.” Mark pointed at the action and Flynn snivelled as his focus was pulled to the screen. “Aha, he did it!” He bounced up and down a couple of times which made his son relax his face.
“Just has to get to the line now. You want to do that?” Mark watched a hand grab out at the screen. “It’d be a lot easier if you didn’t you know, it’s a bloody hard life, but I wouldn’t have met your papa.” He observed the concentration in Flynn’s face. “Just try and figure things out a bit quicker than me mate.” He kissed his son's forehead.
Fernando had wanted to get home for the race, they had watched most of the others together but today he was happy to skip out on it, Mark needed alone time with Flynn as they had only had limited in his first four months. And now he was treated to a topless Mark cradling their son, but something was off.
“Hello.” Fernando announced his return.
“Hi, I don’t think he’s coping with the heat very well.” Mark had placed a damp towel around his shoulders and was standing near the open doors to catch any breeze that was willing to come through the house.
“Oh.” Fernando dropped his bags and rushed over, placing a hand on his forehead he had to agree. “What should we do?”
“Get the thermometer.” Mark slipped the cloth off of Flynn and dried him with a towel. “What is it?” Fernando was holding it under his armpit and the words were out of Mark’s mouth the moment it beeped.
“Thirty eight point four.” Fernando read the numbers off.
“That’s not too bad, he’s alert enough...what are you doing?” Fernando was looking panicky.
“We need to take him to the doctor.” He picked up the baby bag and was heading towards the front door.
“Fer, it’s only up a little, we just need to keep an eye on him.” His travelling time was spent swotting up with baby books, and he knew that if it crept closer to thirty nine then they could worry.
“But...he, what if he…”
“We’ll keep taking his temperature at regular intervals and keep him cool, there’s no need to worry.” Mark cupped Fernando’s face. It took a couple of hours, but by the time they had watched the rest of the race coverage and squeezed in a phone call to Mitch to congratulate him Flynn was doing better.
“Is back to normal now. Is good you are here, I would have been at the doctors, they would have thought I was stupid.” Fernando finally allowed himself to relax.
“I was worried too Fer, really worried.” Mark admitted quietly.
“Why didn’t you say?” Fernando asked sharply.
“What use would it have been if we were both freaking out?” Mark was bouncing Flynn in his chair again and he was back to his usual happy self.
“This is why I need you, you are calm.” Fernando rearranged himself to lay his head on Mark’s lap, with his legs dangling over the arm of the sofa he felt a little younger than his years. “He’s going to have a massive chin.”
“And enormous eyebrows.” Mark stroked his face.
“And a huge nose.” Fernando reach up to squeeze Mark’s.
“With a big stubborn streak.” Mark patted Fernando’s chest.
“Don’t forget all that competitiveness.” Fernando grinned.
“Probably be short though, can’t win them all.” Mark grabbed at Fernando’s waist to tickle him and adored the way he squirmed with the biggest smile on his face he’d seen in a while.
“Being short is good for drivers.” Fernando yelped as Mark decided not to give up and continued to tickle him until he begged for relief. “Mark, por favor, por favor!”
“You reckon he’ll be a driver then?” Mark finally relented.
“Si, you say he likes engines.” He panted. “I talk to Stefano.”
---
“Flying colours mum.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He’s spot on now.” Mark bounced him on his knee so his mum could see Flynn smile. “Six month check up done and passed. He’s sitting up on his own, rolling about and I think he’s about to say his first word too.” And right on cue Flynn started babbling away determinedly, his brow furrowed in a way that suggested he was frustrated that he wasn’t being understood.
“He looks just like you when he does that.” She wondered. She had no idea whether it was her son or Fernando who was involved with the surrogate, it swung from one to the other each time she saw Flynn, but she wouldn’t ask. The grandparents had all discussed it when they first met Flynn, but promised each other not to tackle their boys on it, but it didn’t stop them bringing it up amongst themselves over the phone.
Mark craned his head to double check Flynn’s expression, and it may have been one he’d used himself on occasion.
“Sorry we couldn’t make it Le Mans this time.”
“It’s alright, I only came second, how is dad anyway?” He had done his back in a week before they were due to fly out.
“He’s enjoying being waited on!” She laughed. “He wanted a bell.”
“Brave man.” Mark chuckled. “Here’s some good news though, we’re all making our way to Oz straight after China. I’ll go from China and Fernando will follow on with Flynn from here.”
“Now that is good news. I hope you can trust us with some babysitting duties, you must need some time to yourselves. How are you two anyway?”
“Alright.” They were getting there. “Fernando is getting back on track, he’s got his business head on at the moment, spending his time going to meetings.” He desperately wanted to tell someone about the silent world they lived in, they chatted about Flynn and normal things but under the surface they were both shutting down.
“It’s hard isn’t it?” She could hear it in his voice, but didn’t choose to press him.
“Yeah, we’ll get there, you know, it’s an adjustment.” Mark tried not to let his mum worry, but he knew she was no fool.
“Bit more than that, talk about a huge upheaval, life altering and brutal. Worth it though.” She loved watching her son adapt to family life and despite the panicky middle of the night calls and dark circles under his eyes, they all knew he was perfect for the job.
“It is. Me and Fernando will get there, maybe some time alone would help.” They hadn’t had any proper alone time yet, although neither of them really wanted to leave the little guy alone, he knew it was vital for their survival. Not being with Fernando wasn’t an option.
“Believe me it’s necessary.” She gave a knowing smile.
---
He couldn’t take much more, he really couldn’t. Mark wasn’t back yet after leaving him yet again and Flynn wouldn’t stop crying. He’d been at it all day and no matter what he did, whether he fed, changed or played with him, he continued to sob. Fernando wasn’t going to leave him in the house alone, but now the dogs were howling to be let into his office, joining in with the unhappy chorus.
He would be crying too if he had the energy after an unexpected sleepless night, and he wanted to blame Mark. Flynn must miss him just as much as he did and he couldn’t be sated with a conversation on the phone, he needed his touch, he needed to be held and Fernando couldn’t do that right now.
Fernando picked up the sound of a car door slamming shut and finally picked himself off of the floor of his office, he had his back pressed up against the door in an effort to barricade himself in and keep the pressure out, and knowing he had a chance to escape he made a move.
Mark could hear Flynn wailing as soon as he approached the front door, he was fairly clued up on the series of cried his son could emit and this one sounded new, he sounded tired and like he’d been at it for a while. Worried about what was going on inside Mark fumbled with his bags as he strained to enter his home. “Hello? Fernando?”
When he didn’t get an immediate response he walked quickly in the direction of Flynn’s room after dumping his bags on the floor, he was screaming and it was clear how rough his throat was. “Fernando?”
“Glad to see you’re finally fucking back!” Fernando yelled. The anger of being left alone finally reaching the surface.
“What’s wrong?” Mark raced up to him to take a hold of the squirming infant being held out at him.
“You deal with him, you can always make him happy!” He spat venomously.
“Fernando.” He tried to stop him from disappearing while simultaneously trying to calm his screaming son down. “What’s going on?” He tried to keep his voice level.
“You’re never here!” Fernando called back as he stood at the front door.
“I always come back as soon as I can, the plane was delayed. I couldn’t do anything about that. I’m sorry.” Flynn was still battling away in his arms and it was distressing.
“Just another excuse.” Fernando gesticulated wildly. “You get it so fucking easy!” Fernando screamed before yanking the door open. “I do all the hard work and you turn up to play, it’s not all about playing!” Slamming the front door violently he jumped into his car and drove hard and fast away from the house, the responsibility and the constant reminder about what was wrong about him.
The sharp noise shocked Flynn into silence but only for a moment, he was in tune to the mood of his fathers and a whimper soon transformed into a sob. “Oh Flynn, shush.” Mark cradled him tightly and rocked his son desperately trying to get him to calm down. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Wandering over to the sink he dampened a piece of kitchen towel before wiping Flynn’s face clear of tears, the cool water helped, but the threat was still there so Mark switched on the television and brought up a pre-recorded race to play the engine noise. Relief.
“I’m so sorry.” Mark breathed quietly. “Your papa is doing such a hard job and he’s doing it so well. But you know that already don’t you.” Relieved that Flynn wasn’t in such a distressed state any more Mark stood up and returned to the kitchen to make up a feed. Able too manage it one handed he placed a scoop of powder into the water before shaking the bottle vigorously, wedging it into his back pocket he called for the dogs and opened the french doors to the garden.
“I think some fresh air will do us all some good.” He could see the dogs were itching for a long walk and as they enjoyed the outdoors Mark sat down on the grass and fed Flynn his bottle, staying silent to listen to the sucking noises he made around the teat. Flynn drank it down hungrily and it didn’t take long for him to start falling asleep, flicking the small towel he picked up over his shoulder he put Flynn in his usual position and patted his back until he heard the expected burp.
“Good boy. How about we talk the dogs out?” He knew Flynn would fall asleep, but the dogs needed to go out and a stroll in his pram wouldn’t do him any harm.
In between calling the dogs back to him and making sure Flynn was okay Mark spent the walk through the local countryside thinking about Fernando and what he had said. He questioned himself, had he really been so blind to miss how much he was hurting, how much he was struggling, how much he had clearly hurt him. Mark tried to call him but his phone was off, and leaving a message wouldn’t have been much use as he had no idea what he was going to say anyway.
“Shadow, Simba!” They’d been out for just over an hour and he was getting the feeling they needed to get back, the dogs were just pacing about and slowing down, a clear indication they were content with the exercise. Pushing the pram back over the same path he had walked earlier he stared down at his son dozing, when did this all happen he asked himself. When did he become a father?
When did he stop being Fernando’s partner?
The dogs stuck close to him and only left his side when the house was in sight, and with Fernando’s car still gone he took Flynn to his sanctuary, his office was the best place for all of them, the dogs followed him in and curled up on their beds but kept an eye on their master.
“See that, that was my first win.” Mark pointed to a picture of him on the podium in Germany all that time ago in 2009. Flynn was awake and trying his best to copy Mark. “That’s it, less of the finger though mate it’s not very cool.” He kissed the top of his head and fell in love a bit more with his scent. “And that there is the best overtake and it was with your papa, I told you all about this when you were a bump.”
He loved falling asleep with his hand resting over Fernando’s stomach, feeling the kicks and flutters, now he was lucky to feel the warmth of Fernando’s body when they slept in the same bed. “But I guess you don’t remember that, how about you hear it again? It was at Spa…” Mark told him it all in detail again.
“He’s not angry with you.” Mark knew Flynn probably didn’t understand but he felt the need to anyway. “He’s angry with me, I’ve dumped way too much on him. I’m so awful. You’re not though, you are perfect.”
Fernando was still driving, the sensation of the engine and taking in corner in sequence soothing him, but there was still an underlying anger within him that was forcing his foot down on the accelerator. Faster and faster he went until he caught a glimpse of the speedo and hastily applied the brake, shocking himself into slowing down he remembered where he was heading. A day late, but he was getting there, just a phone call and they said they were happy to wait, for him they would wait.
---
“Glad to have you on board Fernando, this should get things moving along for us.”
Fernando got out of his chair and shook the other man’s hand firmly, this was a deal for him and him alone and he was glad it had happened. He wasn’t ready to just give up yet, he had been thinking of retiring but it was clear he wasn’t ready yet, he needed more, he needed closure.
But he wasn’t ready to tell Mark even though he was ready to sign the contract, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he felt the need to keep it secret. The kart track was practically running itself after he invested in a talented manager and the cycling team was going from strength to strength, the important meetings he was telling Mark about were to do with this.
“I hope so.”
“Of course, you did not stop being great because you stopped.”
“Is what I think.” He felt bolstered by the compliment.
---
“So no tricks before I go?” Mark asked glumly before he left for Brazil. He has yet to see anything new, Fernando was definitely the testing board for all of his milestones, he did see little things but nothing like sitting up on his own or rolling over. “No? Ah well, you save them up for when I’m back.” He kissed his cheek and received a smile in return. Putting Flynn into Fernando’s arms he kissed his partner harder, there was something in his eyes that made him feel like he was slipping away.
“Bye.” Fernando patted his shoulder awkwardly with his free hand but had to take it back as Flynn wriggled to turn away from his chest.
“Dada.” Flynn’s arms stretched out to reach for Mark.
“What did you...did he?” Mark switched his gaze from Flynn to Fernando. “Did you just say my name?”
“I think he did.” Fernando’s face relaxed into an easy smile.
“Dada.” He scrunched his hands at Mark, wanting his attention.
“Oh god, you little genius.” Mark picked Flynn out of Fernando’s arms and lifted him up so they were face to face, peppering his face with kisses in praise he soaked up the giggle that erupted from him.
“Now you just need to say papa and you’ll be set.” He looked up at Fernando’s stoic face. “Sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry about?” He questioned.
“For moaning about missing things like this, I’ve been unfair to you. I think we need to have some time on our own.” He tucked a strand of Fernando’s growing hair behind an ear. “We’re drifting apart.” He let his fingers thread into his hair. “And I’m really scared.”
“Is it because we’ve not had sex since...”
“No, it’s not about the sex.” He bounced Flynn lightly. “It’s because we don’t spend any time with each other, even with Flynn.” He was recognising his name now too. “Yeah you little guy.” He let him grab a finger. "Not that we did loads before, but we don't talk much and when we do it's baby related."
"I think we shall have some time alone. Will be better then." Fernando nodded. He knew Mark was right, he just felt stuck between having Flynn and finding out why it happened to him. What level of freak was he?
"Maybe we should see if we could get a babysitter in?" Mark fussed over Flynn a little more while he held his phone ready to capture his first word. "Come on say it again."
“He’s not a performing monkey.” Fernando pointed out.
“I just want it with me.” Mark put his phone away, giving up before he missed his flight.
“He’ll do it again.” Fernando took him back after watching Mark take a breath of Flynn’s hair. “You just miss your dada don’t you?”
“Dada.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” Mark returned. “I need to go.” He hovered for a few moments and kissed the top of Flynn’s head before moving onto Fernando’s. “I love you, please remember that.”
---
“You’re...I don’t get it, you’ve spent all this year going on about how you want me at home more and now you’re racing again?” Mark couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
Fernando swallowed thickly. “I need another...win. I need to win again.” He hated himself.
“That’s fine Fernando, I get that.” He stressed. “What I don’t get is you making me feel like shit for wanting the same thing this year.” Mark paced back and forth doing whatever he could to keep his voice down, with Flynn sleeping not far away he didn’t want to stop the conversation to deal with him.
“I didn’t mean…”
“How can you say that, a couple of months ago you were going on about how long I’ve been away for, you’d totalled it up for fucks sake.” He hissed. “How is that not meaning to make me feel guilty?” Bringing up past arguments wasn’t a smart thing to do but he had to here.
“Mark…” He took a few steps away from him to try and find the words, but Mark didn’t give up.
“How long ago did you sign?” Mark’s voice was terse, forced out between gritted teeth.
"A couple of months." He mumbled quietly.
"You've got to be fucking kidding! Why did you keep it from me?" Mark balled his hands into fists to try and keep the anger dampened down.
"I...don't know." He knew.
"Piss off, you do."
"I didn't want you to be angry with me." His voice was getting weaker and weaker.
"I wouldn't have been a couple of months ago, and that’s not the reason.” He could see it in his eyes. “Stop lying to me.” Mark growled.
“You want to know what’s wrong with me?” Fernando challenged.
“That’s not what I’m getting at Fernando.” He sighed, exasperated.
“Is something wrong.”
Mark’s blood ran ice cold, Fernando was using the same tone he used before he dropped the baby bombshell. “Please tell me there’s no video.”
His hand was on the handle for the patio doors, pushing it down he bolted down the garden, but it didn’t take long for Mark to catch him roughly by the arm. “I went to the doctor.” He had finally returned the call.
“Alfredo?”
“Si, he says I…”
“Fer we need to go back to the house, Flynn’s in there alone.” Mark knew it was serious and despite not having any close neighbours he didn’t want to have this sort of conversation in the open.
“I don’t want him to hear.” He stopped at the threshold before sitting on the grass heavily.
“He can’t understand.” Mark rubbed his back. “Please tell me.”
“You won’t want me.”
“Tell me.” Mark’s voice wobbled.
“He says I got pregnant because I did have girl parts, he said it’s complicated how it happened but that’s why. I’m a girl, you can’t want me now.” It had taken some time to go back for the results and he wished he hadn't bothered at all.
“Why can’t I?” Mark slipped an arm around his shoulder, his anger still there but replaced temporarily with the need to reassure Fernando. “As amazing as your dick is mate, I didn’t just fall in love with that part of you.” This was uncharted territory for both of them and shouting now wasn’t going to make things better for the three of them.
“Am a freak.” He whimpered.
“You didn’t think I figured that out when you had a baby kicking inside of you.” Mark laughed quietly to ease the thick tension as he brought their shoulders together. “Fernando I do not think that of you, what I do think is that you are keeping secrets from me and that is something I can’t deal with.” He had faced his fair share of secrets in the past he had to bear; upgrades not going his way, technology never quite making it onto his car, meetings he was never invited to.
And watching Fernando rest his head on his knees, he knew his struggles matched his own at the very least, he couldn’t bear to have things kept from him but he knew Fernando was aware of this. The enormity and weight of what had been forced upon him must have been crushing.
“Do you want to race to feel like a man?” He didn’t get a reply but instead Fernando began to gently sob in his arms. “Oh Nano, having Flynn doesn’t make you any less a man. It’s just a funny little blip, you always said you were magic.” It didn’t make things better but it didn’t make things worse. “He can always sense it can’t he?” Mark pressed his lips against his temple but waited for Flynn to try and soothe himself before leaping up to see to him.
“You still want me?”
“Of course I do, but seriously, the hiding…” Flynn was at a torturous level of screaming by now. “The hiding, the secrets have to stop, I can’t cope with that. You know everything about me.” Fernando was one of the few people he was open with in his final year in Formula One, he knew he was leaving and found it easy to be friends with him in the open and once his title chances disappeared the words flowed easier too.
As Mark hauled himself up Fernando reflected on what he had said, he knew Mark kept no secrets from him, the only ones he did were fun things like coming home early and having dinner waiting for him. But he had kept so many things away from him; the pregnancy, the drive for next year, the fact he was a girl.
“Is it permanent? I mean is there something you can do, or have done?” Mark asked clumsily. “Sorry.”
Fernando looked up to see Mark return without Flynn.
“Just needed a change.” Mark replied to the quizzical face below him.
“Alfredo said he took everything out when I had Flynn, I agreed before for him to do that, but it doesn’t change what I am.” He hugged himself. “I don’t want this.” Fernando had given permission to take anything out that wasn’t supposed to be there as he did not want a second operation to explain.
Mark took up the space next to Fernando on the grass again. “We rarely get everything we want, but that doesn’t mean what we get isn’t what we need.” Fernando blinked a few times before looking at him. “I never thought I would fall in love with you, but it turns out I needed to. I never wanted children, but I need Flynn. I never thought I wanted life to be like this and it turns out it was exactly what I needed.”
“Really?” He’d never seen Mark bear his soul so openly before.
“Yes, god damn it Fernando you’ve turned my whole life upside down and I don’t want it any other way. And if you want to ask if I look at you any differently knowing all this, the answer is no and no matter when you ask me that in the future the answer will be the same.” Mark looked out over their garden and the dogs chewing on a couple of toys in the dying light of the day.
Fernando launched himself at Mark and swamped him with his body. “No secrets, promise.”
“Bloody hope so too mate.” He let himself breathe Fernando in and revelled in the breakthrough.
---
“All strapped in?” Fernando tugged on the straps of the car seat to make sure.
“Where do you want to go?” Mark slipped into the drivers seat and buckled himself in.
Fernando took up the passengers seat beside him and unfurled the list he’d written. “We’ve got to buy quite a bit.”
“Alright.” With the list in the corner of his eye Mark turned left. “How about we get his stuff first and then go to the market?”
“Sounds good.” Fernando craned his neck to look at Flynn, happily chomping on his hand with his cheeks flushed. “I think he might be teething.”
“I thought that the other day, he’s been chewing everything.” With the radio on low they chatted about the photos they’d seen of Jenson’s daughter, the funny article about them in Autosport about Flynn already being signed up to the Red Bull programme, and the funnier article about Stefano fighting to get him to join Ferrari. Tentatively feeling their way back to something close to normal after awkward silences and increasing levels of tension, they kept it light.
The trip to the supermarket was uneventful, as long as Flynn was kept busy with a carrot stick to gum he was content to be pushed around in a trolley while it was slowly filled with nappies and milk powder.
“Guess we need to start thinking about solid food.” Mark picked up a box of baby cereal and flicked it over to read the back. Spanish. He managed well enough to get the gist but handed it over to Fernando to make sure. “Looks like it’s okay for him.”
“Si, is right.” Fernando agreed and put a couple of boxes in the trolley. “It’s going really quickly, he’s growing up fast.”
“Yeah, it’s October, so that makes him eight months. Christ.” Mark was bewildered by the thought.
“Is not long for his first birthday.” Fernando browsed through some more baby food.
“Hold your horses, let’s just get him onto solids first.” He laughed as he left to gather a few more things they needed.
“Is such a sweet boy.”
Fernando turned around to the elderly woman who was squeezing one of Flynn’s cheeks softly, he expected tears or shyness but his son was playing the part perfectly. Gurgling and smiling he acted up for his audience who Fernando had quickly recognised as a neighbour. They chatted about local news for a while with Flynn doing his best to join in.
“He is a very happy boy.”
Mark smiled as he returned with toilet roll and washing powder, the level of domesticity not lost on him, and saw Fernando showing off Flynn. Putting yet more things in the trolley he found himself slipped into the conversation.
“...and this is his other father, Mark.”
“Two papa’s Flynn, is a lucky boy.” They all chatted and cooed over Flynn for a little longer before she waved and shuffled off smiling.
“You should see you face when you talk about Flynn to other people.” He began to push the trolley towards the checkouts. “It makes you happy doesn’t it?”
“Si, am proud of him, of us.” Walking beside Mark he rubbed the small of his back affectionately, which got a strong arm around his neck and a kiss to the head in reply.
“We’ll get there Nano, it doesn’t matter how long, but we will.” Mark was counting on some time alone in Australia with Fernando to consolidate the progress they had made. All the time spent reading baby books he missed some of the post-birth chapters stupidly assuming it was just about recovery for women, but when he did read them he was angry with himself. It became so clear when he read them, post-natal depression.
As the items were scanned through they packed them into bags together, but Mark couldn’t shake the thought, he knew they needed help, Fernando especially. He was doing well but even if they got it Fernando would have to lie about the reason why he was suffering which was counterproductive. The odd day they had spent alone at the beach while Fernando’s sister took care of Flynn were a tonic for them, but as she had her own children it wasn’t an offer they wanted to abuse.
“How about when we all go to Australia together next month, we hang around for Christmas?” Mark piped up as they made their way across the carpark.
“Oh.” Fernando waited for Mark to unlock the car before loading the shopping.
“I just thought my parents haven’t seen Flynn since the first time, and my sister hasn’t seen him at all, nor have my friends. I was thinking if we’re there for a month or so they can all spend some quality time with him.” Mark surmised as he put the bag filled with milk powder into the boot.
It was a hard argument to battle against, he knew his parents were desperate to spend Christmas with the three of them, and had already suggested it. At the time Fernando said he liked the idea and would discuss it with Mark, but it was going to be hard to say yes to them now.
“Thank about it, a hot Christmas. We could go to the beach, wear shorts, drink cold beer, go surfing, and get cooked for.” Mark beamed. “Plus I can show Flynn what it is to be an Aussie. How about that champ? What about some Aussie sand between these toes.” He tugged on Flynn’s foot to be given a confused look. “So what do you think?” Mark asked.
Mark had picked Flynn out of the trolley seat and Fernando saw the opportunity to give himself a little more time. “I’ll take the cart back.” But before he slotted it inside another he had his answer, he loved Mark’s family and he had a point, he hadn’t seen them since March and Flynn had changed so much, his personality was shining through strongly now.
And then there was lazing about the beach with Mark, when they took a couple of hours to themselves it was heaven just to lie in the heat and soak up the sun. Mark was already sat in the car when he returned, taking a breath he filled the passenger seat and replied to the question. “My parents wanted us to go to them this year, but I see why you want us to see yours.”
“What are you saying then?” Mark knew Fernando felt comfortable around his own family, but saw them regularly. Since having Flynn he was missing his own more and more.
“I think it’s time for Flynn to see where his daddy came from.” His parents would understand, they got to see him several times a month at least. “How about that?” Flynn babbled back at them with a smile. “Is important for you, no?”
“It is, don’t take this the wrong way, I love living in Spain with you, but I don’t want him to miss out on things. I want him to be Australian too.”
“Of course he is.” He was half Spanish, half Australian.
“I mean he’s going to have a Spanish accent and speak Spanish, essentially be Spanish, which is fine, really it is. But, I don’t know, I sound stupid, but I’m just aware we can’t just go to Australia whenever we want and my parents are getting older. Sorry to be like this.”
“I didn’t realise you felt this way.”
“It’s only recently to be honest, my dad’s back still isn’t right and it’s just made me think.” He shrugged as he slotted the key into the ignition, his hands lay limply on the steering wheel as he waited for the motivation to get them to the market.
Fernando leant across the gearstick and with a hand he pulled Mark’s face so he could kiss it better, cradling his cheek he gently flicked his tongue across his lower lip to gain access. It was a slow kiss, one born out of years of knowledge and experience, Fernando knew this was what Mark liked the most.
“You can teach him all the Australian words, and then he can tell his friends he is bonza!” Fernando understood what Mark was getting at, he would feel exactly the same if they were living in Australia.