Sniffing Cigarettes in the Dark Again (standalone)
Title: Sniffing Cigarettes in the Dark Again
Summary: Sometimes seemingly ruined relationships can be repaired...
Pairing: Ryden
POV: 1st; Ryan
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Language, it's slash so yeah..
Disclaimer: not true, don't sue
Credit: Title to Lustra, cut to me
A/N: First ryden, be gentle please
constructive criticism is appreciated :]
“We need to talk” Is the first thing I say when he picks up.
“About?” Brendon replied
“I think it’s better if we do this in person” I sigh
“Come over then” his voice squeaks a little
“To your house? I- I think it’s better if we meet in public. That way there are witnesses.”, I swallow audibly.
“ I won’t bite….. much.” He chuckles
“Not funny, not in the least bit funny. I’m trying to be an adult and talk to you about things but if you don’t want to then it’s fine, whatever. Goodbye Brendon” I go to click the end button when I hear
“Ryan! Don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m just messing with you. I’ll behave, just come over so we can talk; please? I miss hanging out with you backslash talking to you. ” It’s almost pleading.
“I’ll be there in 15” I hang up the phone without letting him say goodbye
I start the 2 mile trek to Brendon’s from the Starbuck’s I was just at
And then here comes that feeling I thought I’d forgotten
That heart-racing-finger-shaking-ragged-breath-making-feeling
Breathe Ross, breathe
Remember who you are
Say it “I am Ryan Ross, I am in one of the world’s greatest bands” I say out loud
A few people glance at me from the sidewalk café as I pass..
You mean you were
Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Fool
Well I’m in The Young Veins now and everything’s okay
Hiatus bro.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that
Who are you then?
I don’t know any more.
Well why not?
You know you’re supposed to be helpful, that’s why you’re my conscious. A goddamn cricket was more helpful than you are. I’m no Gepetto and you’re sure as hell not Pinocchio. On second thought maybe you are a little like Pinocchio.
How so?
Pinocchio lied a lot
I don’t lie though
You lie to yourself every day, you lied to Brendon, you lied to Jon, you lied to Spencer… Lies, lies, lies
I don’t mean to though, it’s a defense mechanism
What? To lie, some defense mechanism.
Edgar, you’re not helping me
Ryan, I am you. I’m just a voice in the place I like to call ‘Ryan Ross Land’. I am your voice of reason; but all the rationalization is on you.
However you’re hearing this is how you've interpreted it. I’m just here to keep you in check, to keep you sane.
Lie to me then.
What?
Tell me going to Brendon’s is the right thing to do. Tell me everything’s going to be okay.
I can’t tell you any of that. Man up Ross, and just be honest. Don’t be all obscure, tell him straight up what you feel about him, tell him the truth and hope for the best.
Is this the end to our probably unhealthy relationship Edgar?
You don’t need me anymore; you needed someone to force you to take the first step and it wasn’t even me. It was Pete.
One more thing, why do you always call me Ross instead of Ryan?
I don’t fucking know. I’m you remember?
It’s only now that I realize I’ve been standing outside of Brendon’s place.
I move to knock on the door and It’s thrown open to reveal Spencer.
“Sp-sp-Spencer? Hi, how are you?” I stutter
“Ummmm pretty good and you?” he’s surprised
“I’m fine, I’m good, I’m okay, I’m neurotic sorry.”I don’t know how to act around people I haven’t communicated with in over a year.
“Okay cool, I’ll uhh see you later then.” He steps past me
I whisper, “bye Spence”
He stops, back still facing me and I see his fists clench and unclench.
He walks to his car and gets in, eyes front, he drives away.
No wave, nothing… I’ve fucked everything up.
Breathe Ross, breathe
Why do I call myself Ross?
What the fuck?
“Ryan?” Brendon’s in the door way
“Hey B. Sorry I was uhh thinking” I answer
“Always in your head eh?” he pulls the door open more, “ Are you just going to stand there all day or are you going to come in?”
“In, I think? Yeah, definitely in?” My eyes are glued to the floor.I put my jacket on the kitchen table and wander into the living room.
His house is chaos.
Organized chaos no doubt but chaos nevertheless; there are notebooks strewn about, paper everywhere and a few bottle of vodka.
Paintings on the walls and a small black daschund sleeping on the couch.
I sit on the couch opposite of the dog, I’m more of a dust mite person.
Animals don’t really like me.
“I constantly thank god for Esteban” he says walking over to the couch. He picks up the sleeping dog and takes it's spot, he puts it on his lap and the small beast falls back asleep.
“What?” I turn my attention towards him. I notice he’s wearing the shirt I got for him in London, a cotton thing with ‘The Cure’ on it in black letters.
“That’s her name” He scratches the dog’s ears
“You named a female dog, Esteban?” I ask in disbelief
“Yep. Moving on, what did you need to talk to me about?” he gets straight to it.
I get up from the couch in exchange for the kitchen where I put my jacket.
Rummaging through the pockets I find it Vices & Virtues (deluxe edition of course)
He followed me in, Esteban trailing behind him.
“So you bought it then?” he questions
“Actually Pete forwarded it to me, I was going to but then I retreated to the realm of ‘Ryan’s a huge, spiteful asshole’” I try to joke, “Thank you for putting ‘Nearly Witches’ on there by the way”
“I didn’t do it for you” he crosses his arms, shifting his weight from foot to foot
“Oh”, I’m panicking, freaking out. Breathe Ross, breathe...
“Don’t sound so pathetic dude, Bronx wanted it on there.”
“Bronx?” I ask
“Yeah, you’re unofficial nephew or have you forgotten about everyone in your family” Everyone in the Decaydance family is an aunt or uncle to Bronx, Pete’s son.
“Ummmmm, I haven't really kept in good contact”
“Yeahh, Pete says no one’s seen you or Jon in over a year and Bronx missed you. I was just helping out, he’s getting old enough to realize what’s going on you know that right?”
“Yeah I guess”
An awkward silence descends upon us.
Tell him why you’re here
Tell him what you thought of the album
Tell him you love him Lyrics, his lyrics..
“’She paints her fingers with a close precision He starts to notice empty bottles of gin And takes a moment to assess the sin She's paid for….’ Ummmm I’m a perfectionist and a bit of an alcoholic, I’ll admit it now. You always tried to get me to talk to you about it and I wouldn’t.
‘A lonely speaker in a conversation Her words are spinning through his ears again There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you've paid for…. ‘ I’m always in my head and I never let you in except for obscure drunken writings.
‘Say what you mean Tell me I'm right And let the sun rain down on me Give me a sign I want to believe ‘ I’m obscure, I hide behind intricate words and phrases, I hide behind my songs. And you are right, I’m a child, I’m childish. I’m a liar and you just want to know the truth.
‘Woah, Mona Lisa, You're guaranteed to run this town Woah, Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown ‘ You once called me Mona Lisa when we were younger, claiming that I was flawless and a work of art. I started panic! and you always told me that even though you were the lead singer I was like the boss. You wanted emotion from me when Jon and I left and I didn’t show anything. Well not in front of you guys at least. And then ummmm ‘oh I confess, I confess to the rumor of us’…. Jon caught that one, he asked if the rumors were true, you know the ryden ones, and then I got in a fight with him about it. I came here to tell you I caught some of the things in your new songs, and I wanted to tell you how much I love the new album, and that I love you, Brendon. I never stopped actually, it was all a lie. I’ll leave you alone now” I push past him, jacket in hand when I feel his hand wrap around my wrist.
“don’t go”
I nod and set my jacket back on the table.
His hand is still wrapped around my wrist
I look down at the connection
I want to cry
“Was any of that true?” He asks
“Yes all of it, I wouldn’t be here telling you any of it if it wasn’t”
“You love me?” His one little eye brow is cocked up
“With every hipster, floral fiber of my being.” I say with the straightest face possible,
“Then why did you lie to me?”
“I was afraid of it, I was convinced I was perfectly straight and I guess I didn’t want to change that. And the night you told me you loved me, I freaked. And then I told you I didn’t feel anything that it was all an experiment. But you should know, there’s been no one since you. I’ve been alone and miserable and kicking myself every chance I could." I finish
Brendon looks at me then down at his hand, the one wrapped around my wrist
He pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me
At this point we’re both crying
Not heavy ‘Bambi’s mother got shot’ tears but I guess tears of relief.
I pull away first
“I’ve really missed you B.” I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand
“I’ve missed you too Ry.” He whispers and presses our foreheads together
“It was always you Brendon, always.”
“I know. I love you.”
“Brendon, I want back in.”
“In?” he asks
“Panic, I want to come home, I want my family back. I can’t handle this loner thing.” I say
“You never left Ryan, you never left.”
I close the space between our lips and I know that this is where I belong.