Part 3: Balance
Part 3: Balance
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: This part ended up being shorter so I decided not to break it in two. Also just to let you know, there's going to be more parts. Nobody cares about my notes so that is all.
Links to Part 1: ( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 )
Links to Part 2: ( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 )
Tora woke up to find himself alone. As he began to look around in search of his lover he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. Reluctantly he got up and put his pants on, then made his way towards the source. He stopped in the doorway. The sight he was greeted with exceeded all of his expectations. Here was Shou, already fully dressed, his hair slightly wet and wavy, cooking something on the oven. He was humming softly to himself and looked so serene Tora felt a strange stinging in his chest. When Shou noticed his presence Tora was blessed with a radiant smile.
“Good morning!” Shou said cheerfully.
“Morning!”
“Sorry I left you alone. I just woke up and…” Shou’s cheeks turned a little red “I was all sticky and I had to go take a shower and then I decided you would want some coffee when you wake up. Then I thought I might as well make breakfast.”
The smell of fresh coffee invaded Tora’s nostrils and he inhaled deeply closing his eyes.
“Have I told you you’re amazing?” Shou laughed.
“Ok, I’m going to shower. Be right back.” Tora turned away reluctantly and went to the bathroom before he could give in to the temptation. When he returned there was a steaming mug of coffee and a plate with pancakes on the table. He wasted no time.
“Mm, these are pretty good!” Tora said taking another pancake. He found himself really hungry.
“I’m glad.”
Shou was watching him with a dreamy expression, propping his face with his right hand. When Tora met his eyes he looked away slightly embarrassed.
“Sorry. I probably looked creepy.” Shou said looking down. Tora caught his hand over the table.
“Don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I like it when you look at me.” Shou gave him a small smile.
After Tora was done he helped Shou clean up. When everything was taken care of Shou turned to look at him without saying anything. Tora couldn’t help thinking that just a few days back this moment might have felt awkward. But now it didn’t. The night worked its magic.
They stood there in silence for a few minutes just looking into each other’s eyes. Finally Tora took a step closer and slowly leaned in. Shou met him halfway in a slow tender kiss. It wasn’t anything like the kisses they’d shared last night. It wasn’t passionate or needy. It was light and warm and comfortable.
“I would lend you my pants but I don’t think I have anything that would fit.” Shou was looking through his wardrobe impatiently.
“It’s ok. A T-shirt will do.” Tora smiled.
It was then that Tora decided to voice the question that’s been bugging him.
“Shou… ?”
“Yes?”
“Have you…” Tora did not continue.
“What?” Shou asked still buried inside his wardrobe.
“Ah, never mind.” Tora said finally with an awkward smile.
Tora scowled at himself mentally. He was really curious about Shou’s past sexual experience. Surely he wasn’t the first to… But just as he picked up the moment to ask Shou about it he suddenly realized he didn’t want to know. Tora never considered himself a jealous guy but somehow just the thought of someone else touching Shou made him angry. It didn’t make any sense but he couldn’t help it. And either way it didn’t matter now, he told himself. The only thing that mattered was that they were together. In a way Tora felt like all of his own experience was lost, like they were on the same page now and had to find their way from square one. He kind of liked the idea.
In the afternoon all members were to meet to discuss the upcoming tour.
Tora and Shou entered the studio somewhat surprised to find everyone already there. Even Saga who was always late.
As soon as they came in the said man came up to them and began sniffing the air like a hound dog.
“I can smell it. Somebody got some last night.”
“Get away from me.” Tora growled but there wasn't any real spite behind his words. He couldn't even take the grin off his face.
“So, Shou…” Saga spoke to the vocalist consiprationally, “is Tora-shi’s Tora-shi as epic as they say or was it all talk?” Shou was clearly unprepared for the interrogation.
“Never mind him. He’s just jealous because he doesn't get any.” Everyone turned to look in the direction of the smaller guitarist.
“Ouch. That hurt.” The bassist moaned dramatically clutching at his chest.
“It’s your bad influence.” Tora noted. Shou was laughing quietly holding his hand to his mouth.
The scene was interrupted by their manager entering the studio.
“What are you guys talking about?”
“Nothing.” They answered almost simultaneously.
“Alright. I just came to say the meeting was moved by an hour. You can go have lunch or something but be sure to get back on time.” And he disappeared through the door.
“We’re going out for lunch!” Shou announced as he put his hand on Hiroto’s shoulder and proceeded to lead him towards the door.
“And just for the record….” Shou said with a sweet smile turning in the doorway, “Yes, it is.”
And with that they left.
“As expected, everyone is mokkori!” the bassist said looking at the door.
Tora just kept smirking.
“So…” Hiroto tried to sound casual. They went to this really neat ramen shop and Hiroto felt a little happy that some of their rituals remained unaltered.
“How’s it going… you know, with Tora?”
“Good. Really good.” Shou was looking down and smiling into his cup of tea.
“Last night… was so amazing. And this morning too.”
“Judging by the look on your face it must have really good.”
“It was.” Shou’s smile became almost blinding for a few seconds and then slightly fell.
“But…?”
“What do you mean ‘but’?” Shou blinked at him.
“There’s something bothering you.”
“No. I mean, there are things we need to work out but I’m sure we’ll manage.”
“Shou…”
“Ok ok. You know… this is stupid, really.” The young man sighed. “There are so many things I worry about. I just can’t help it. I guess I wanted this for so long I still can’t quite believe it. I’m afraid I’ll freak him out if I’ll be too forward. Also I’m always paranoid that someone will notice something even though we’re really careful. I know it’s stupid, but…”
“It’s not stupid. You’re just too nice for your own good.”
“I’m not…” Shou began to protest.
“I don’t know everything you two are going through so I can’t give you advice on that. All I know is you look happy, both of you. You’re good for each other.”
Shou was listening very carefully.
“Look. I know you are trying to protect us. We all appreciate it. But I don’t want you to feel pressured. You have to relax a little. Try to stop thinking about things so much. Just have a good time. You know we’ll always cover your backs.”
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
Hiroto pretended to think. “I can’t quite remember.”
“Well I do.” Shou said with his warmest smile and Hiroto really hoped Tora realized how lucky he was.
Much like Tora expected, sex did change everything. But if anything, it solidified the foundation that they had. This step took them to a higher level of intimacy. It was amazing how just one night could transform a relationship on so many levels. It was so much more than just the physical aspect. Knowing you are wanted and needed does wonders to one’s confidence and self-esteem. There still was a great deal of awkwardness but Tora knew that now overcoming it was only a question of time.
The tour was hard. Of course they loved playing live, that’s what they enjoyed the most as a band but it was highly frustrating to keep distance just when their relationship got physical. They had to be on guard all the time. Stealing quick kisses at the back of the bus could only satisfy for so long.
Tora wondered how come he never really noticed how incredibly sexy Shou looked with his hair messy and his face covered in drops of sweat. His arms looked toned, he must have been working out. And then there were the leather pants, hugging his long legs in all the right places. During the concerts Tora would often catch Shou’s fiery gaze on him so he tried not to look too often.
But it was the worst after the concerts. With the adrenaline pumping through their blood, it was so easy to give in to the passion. But Tora knew that wasn't even an option.
They agreed it would be better if the two of them roomed separately so Tora roomed with Hiroto as usual while Shou ended up rooming with the manager.
It was late at night and Tora was supposed to be asleep but his head was heavy with thoughts of all kinds. Hiroto was strangely absent considering he was an early riser. There was a soft knock on the door. Tora tried to ignore it but the visitor obviously did not intend to leave. Groaning Tora got up and went to open the door and give the intruder a piece of mind. However as soon as he did, the man on the other side slid in, closed and locked the door behind him and before Tora could even realize what was going on he was being kissed like there’s no tomorrow.
After a few moments Tora recognized his late night guest and relaxed into the kiss. Then his responsible part kicked in.
“Wait, wait. Shou.” Shou leaned away reluctantly not quite letting go. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like?” Shou smirked.
“This is dangerous. We can get caught.”
“By who? The manager is fast asleep and I traded with Hiroto. The door is locked anyway. We just have to be quiet.” Shou said blushing a little.
“But what if…” a thousand scenarios were running though Tora’s head.
“I’m not stupid. I’ll return to my room before sunrise.” Shou looked slightly upset and this wasn't what Tora wanted at all. “Look, if you want to sleep, it’s ok, I’ll just go back to my room.” Shou began to disentangle himself and Tora knew he needed to act fast.
“No!” he said as he brought Shou closer “I don’t want you to go. Just… I can’t help thinking of all the ways things can go wrong, you know. If it was just us, that’d be one thing, but there are so many people who can suffer if we’re not careful enough.” Shou’s expression softened.
“Always the one to care about the others. But Tora, what about us? Now that I can finally have you I don’t think I can keep myself from touching you for weeks.”
“We’ll work it out somehow. Come here.”
That night they made love under the sheets, slow and deep and so hot. Careful not to make a noise they drowned the sounds in each other’s mouths. Shou was holding onto him so tight he would get bruises later but at the moment he didn't care.
When Tora woke up, the bed was empty. For a moment he’d thought he dreamed the whole thing. Only an elegant bracelet on the side table reminded him of the night’s events.
It happened after one of the concerts. It was late so everyone had already gone to bed but here they were standing in the hotel’s dark hallway, goodnight wishes stretched too long.
At this hour the hall was empty and quiet. Tora was whispering something into Shou’s ear when in a moment he felt the man’s body stiffen and his expression change. He looked plain terrified. As Tora looked back he saw their manager standing just a few meters away. Tora took a second to assess the situation. They weren't kissing or even touching but the way their bodies were positioned easily betrayed the nature of their relationship.
Tora’s heart seemed to stop for a few moments. As if in slow motion he saw the manager turning away and walking towards his room. Tora turned back to Shou throwing “Let me” and ran after the manager. Thankfully, the latter didn't make it far.
“Listen, this is not…” he began to explain but was interrupted.
“I am your manager. My job is to make sure your schedule goes smoothly. What you do in your free time is none of my business.” His expression was open and friendly.
“Thank you.” Tora said sincerely.
“Just make sure to be careful.”
“We will.” Tora promised.
Until the end of the tour they tried to keep their distance. Sometimes Tora would catch Shou’s gaze on him, longing mixed with apprehension and it took all of his resolve not to come over and hold him tight. But they both knew what they were in for and that this was just one of the many trials they had to face.
Standing on stage as a band, playing with all they had, seeing people smile and sing along - it was the reason they got into music. Tora really felt that with these people he could do anything. This band meant the world to him and he would never let it fall apart because of his carelessness. He knew Shou felt the same way. That is why they had to endure.
The last concert in Tokyo was amazing, a great ending of a great tour. The venue wasn't very big but it didn't matter. What mattered was that they put on a great show, that the audience danced and sang along happily and everyone had a great time.
Shou sang with all his heart. Standing on stage in his tight red and black suit, illuminated by the lights he looked out of this world. It was mesmerizing how with each song he transformed, tuning from gentle to demonic and back again. Many times during the concert Shou came over to Tora’s side, just brushing past him or even putting a hand on his shoulder and when their eyes met for a few moments Tora felt like everything around them disappeared, like it was just the two of them on stage connected by the supreme power of music.
Tora felt his heart fill with joy. Nothing in the world could beat this feeling. As he gave one final bow to the audience he felt arms gently embracing him from behind. He didn't have to look back to know who they belonged to.
Now they were finally alone in Tora’s apartment. It was quiet but the sound of shouting and cheering still rung in his ears.
“You were amazing tonight.” He said quietly to Shou who also seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.
“Thank you.” Shou said. “You were pretty good too.”
“Although I have to say you still have ground for improvement.” He added with a teasing smile. It was an obvious challenge.
“Oh, really? Come here you…”
Shou turned to run away laughing but he didn't make it far and it was obvious he wasn't trying hard. Tora caught him, lifted him off the floor and spun him around a few times. But then suddenly he stopped and put the vocalist down looking apologetic.
“What’s wrong?” Shou asked.
“Nothing.”
“Does your back hurt?” Shou looked genuinely confused and even worried.
“No. No, I…It’s just that…you’re a man and…” Tora tried his best to explain. Now Shou looked amused.
“So? You think it would hurt my male pride?”
“Well…” Tora tried to pick his words carefully. “It’s just that sometimes I get confused. Before I used to go out with girls and I'm used to dealing with them. But you’re not a girl so I don’t want to treat you like one.”
“Does it bother you that I'm a man?” Shou asked, this time seriously.
“No.” Tora answered without missing a beat. “I don’t know if I can explain it. I don’t think of you as a man or as a woman. Somehow I just think of you as you.”
Tora wasn't sure he was making sense but it looked like Shou understood.
“Listen…” Shou said after a while, “I don’t care what it looks like or how it’s supposed to be. I just want to do what feels good. Remember the time when we were in Givuss?” Shou smiled fondly at the memories. “You would always be so protective of me. If anyone said shit about me you’d get really mad and make them apologize. It’s like I had my own bodyguard. It made me happy, you know. Because it meant you cared about me.”
“I guess I just always wanted to protect the things that were important to me.” Tora said more to himself than to Shou.
“I don’t want someone else’s rules and clichés dictate our relationship. I want us to do what works for us.”
Tora felt like an idiot. Why would he even think Shou could misunderstand? Shou knew him better than anyone, maybe even better than he knew himself. Sometimes it scared him. But right now he felt relief and gratitude and other things he couldn't make sense of just yet.
But he didn't say any of that. Instead he said:
“Ok. Next time I have cockroach problems I’ll call you to come and rescue me.”
“You do that.” Shou laughed. “But right now I'm tired so carry me to bed.”
“Yes, your Majesty.”
After a few more shows the tour came to an end. Tora felt both sad and relieved. A part of him wanted to go on another tour as quickly as possible but another part just wanted to lie on the couch and not do anything. Since the former wasn't really an option Tora allowed himself to get lazy staying in, playing games and watching dramas. Shou wasn't trying to lure him out for which he was grateful.
Every other day they would come visit each other. Though most of the time it was Shou that would come over. He claimed it was because Tora’s place was bigger and he liked to play with Chikin but Tora suspected there was more to it. He didn't mind though. He wasn't the most sociable person but with Shou he always felt relaxed and he didn't have to think of what to say or do.
They didn't need to have sex every time, Tora realized. Sometimes they would make out on the couch for what seemed like hours. Kissing and touching leisurely, exploring and making up for all the time they had lost.
And sometimes there wasn't even that. It felt good just to be close, even just being in the same room. Shou would read a book and he would strum his guitar lazily and they could stay silent for hours but it felt oddly comfortable. Shou seemed to have a calming effect on him easing restlessness and every time the man leaned against him his body seemed to relax on its own.
“Shou?” Tora asked as they were lying in each other’s arms on the sofa.
“Mmhm?” Shou replied sleepily.
“Since when did you…” he struggled for the right word.
“Want you?” Shou offered.
“Yeah.” The bassist’s words from that night kept ringing in Tora’s mind. Shou seemed to contemplate his answer.
“Since a long time ago.” That left the guitarist even more curious so he decided to prod further.
“How long?” once again his question was met with a long pause.
“Since Meguro Rokumeikan.” Shou finally answered.
“Since what?” Tora racked his brains for clues. “Wait, but wasn't that… the first time we met.”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” was the first question that came to Tora’s mind.
“Tell you what? That I was crazy about you? I don’t think it would have been a good idea. I knew I never had a chance with you. You were clearly straight. And very good-looking. Anyone would fall for you. And I was just… me.”
“Don’t say that. I always thought you were cool.”
“Thank you.” Shou smiled weakly. “But, you know, it would have never worked out. And now, I just didn't see the point. I was afraid you’d freak out if you knew.” Tora remained silent still trying to process what he just heard.
“And it looks like you did.” Shou added.
“What? No, no. It’s just… I wish I’d realized sooner.” Shou shifted to face him properly.
“Don't.”
“All these years… How did you…”
“I don't know. I tried to get rid of these feelings. Tried to move on. But it’s pretty hard to fight your feelings for someone who’s next to you all the time.” Shou smiled bitterly. “I went out with… a couple of guys.”
Tora frowned despite himself.
“And they were nice. But…” Shou paused for a moment before continuing “I kept finding myself comparing them to you. I realized I'm just lying to myself. It wasn't fair to them. So I gave up.”
“Shou…”
“I don’t want you to feel obliged and say you are sorry. It’s in the past. Now that we’re together I don’t want to waste a minute on regrets. I don’t regret anything.”
“Me neither. Because it brought us here. And I like where we are now. Very much.” Tora said leaning in for a kiss.
Tora knew there would be many trials to face, many hardships to overcome and many choices to be made. But as he looked at Shou’s sleeping face he felt that somehow they’re going to be alright. He knew that together they’ll figure out a way of dealing with all these things, draw the strength from each other and find the perfect balance.
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: This part ended up being shorter so I decided not to break it in two. Also just to let you know, there's going to be more parts. Nobody cares about my notes so that is all.
Links to Part 1: ( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 )
Links to Part 2: ( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 )
Tora woke up to find himself alone. As he began to look around in search of his lover he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. Reluctantly he got up and put his pants on, then made his way towards the source. He stopped in the doorway. The sight he was greeted with exceeded all of his expectations. Here was Shou, already fully dressed, his hair slightly wet and wavy, cooking something on the oven. He was humming softly to himself and looked so serene Tora felt a strange stinging in his chest. When Shou noticed his presence Tora was blessed with a radiant smile.
“Good morning!” Shou said cheerfully.
“Morning!”
“Sorry I left you alone. I just woke up and…” Shou’s cheeks turned a little red “I was all sticky and I had to go take a shower and then I decided you would want some coffee when you wake up. Then I thought I might as well make breakfast.”
The smell of fresh coffee invaded Tora’s nostrils and he inhaled deeply closing his eyes.
“Have I told you you’re amazing?” Shou laughed.
“Ok, I’m going to shower. Be right back.” Tora turned away reluctantly and went to the bathroom before he could give in to the temptation. When he returned there was a steaming mug of coffee and a plate with pancakes on the table. He wasted no time.
“Mm, these are pretty good!” Tora said taking another pancake. He found himself really hungry.
“I’m glad.”
Shou was watching him with a dreamy expression, propping his face with his right hand. When Tora met his eyes he looked away slightly embarrassed.
“Sorry. I probably looked creepy.” Shou said looking down. Tora caught his hand over the table.
“Don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I like it when you look at me.” Shou gave him a small smile.
After Tora was done he helped Shou clean up. When everything was taken care of Shou turned to look at him without saying anything. Tora couldn’t help thinking that just a few days back this moment might have felt awkward. But now it didn’t. The night worked its magic.
They stood there in silence for a few minutes just looking into each other’s eyes. Finally Tora took a step closer and slowly leaned in. Shou met him halfway in a slow tender kiss. It wasn’t anything like the kisses they’d shared last night. It wasn’t passionate or needy. It was light and warm and comfortable.
“I would lend you my pants but I don’t think I have anything that would fit.” Shou was looking through his wardrobe impatiently.
“It’s ok. A T-shirt will do.” Tora smiled.
It was then that Tora decided to voice the question that’s been bugging him.
“Shou… ?”
“Yes?”
“Have you…” Tora did not continue.
“What?” Shou asked still buried inside his wardrobe.
“Ah, never mind.” Tora said finally with an awkward smile.
Tora scowled at himself mentally. He was really curious about Shou’s past sexual experience. Surely he wasn’t the first to… But just as he picked up the moment to ask Shou about it he suddenly realized he didn’t want to know. Tora never considered himself a jealous guy but somehow just the thought of someone else touching Shou made him angry. It didn’t make any sense but he couldn’t help it. And either way it didn’t matter now, he told himself. The only thing that mattered was that they were together. In a way Tora felt like all of his own experience was lost, like they were on the same page now and had to find their way from square one. He kind of liked the idea.
In the afternoon all members were to meet to discuss the upcoming tour.
Tora and Shou entered the studio somewhat surprised to find everyone already there. Even Saga who was always late.
As soon as they came in the said man came up to them and began sniffing the air like a hound dog.
“I can smell it. Somebody got some last night.”
“Get away from me.” Tora growled but there wasn't any real spite behind his words. He couldn't even take the grin off his face.
“So, Shou…” Saga spoke to the vocalist consiprationally, “is Tora-shi’s Tora-shi as epic as they say or was it all talk?” Shou was clearly unprepared for the interrogation.
“Never mind him. He’s just jealous because he doesn't get any.” Everyone turned to look in the direction of the smaller guitarist.
“Ouch. That hurt.” The bassist moaned dramatically clutching at his chest.
“It’s your bad influence.” Tora noted. Shou was laughing quietly holding his hand to his mouth.
The scene was interrupted by their manager entering the studio.
“What are you guys talking about?”
“Nothing.” They answered almost simultaneously.
“Alright. I just came to say the meeting was moved by an hour. You can go have lunch or something but be sure to get back on time.” And he disappeared through the door.
“We’re going out for lunch!” Shou announced as he put his hand on Hiroto’s shoulder and proceeded to lead him towards the door.
“And just for the record….” Shou said with a sweet smile turning in the doorway, “Yes, it is.”
And with that they left.
“As expected, everyone is mokkori!” the bassist said looking at the door.
Tora just kept smirking.
“So…” Hiroto tried to sound casual. They went to this really neat ramen shop and Hiroto felt a little happy that some of their rituals remained unaltered.
“How’s it going… you know, with Tora?”
“Good. Really good.” Shou was looking down and smiling into his cup of tea.
“Last night… was so amazing. And this morning too.”
“Judging by the look on your face it must have really good.”
“It was.” Shou’s smile became almost blinding for a few seconds and then slightly fell.
“But…?”
“What do you mean ‘but’?” Shou blinked at him.
“There’s something bothering you.”
“No. I mean, there are things we need to work out but I’m sure we’ll manage.”
“Shou…”
“Ok ok. You know… this is stupid, really.” The young man sighed. “There are so many things I worry about. I just can’t help it. I guess I wanted this for so long I still can’t quite believe it. I’m afraid I’ll freak him out if I’ll be too forward. Also I’m always paranoid that someone will notice something even though we’re really careful. I know it’s stupid, but…”
“It’s not stupid. You’re just too nice for your own good.”
“I’m not…” Shou began to protest.
“I don’t know everything you two are going through so I can’t give you advice on that. All I know is you look happy, both of you. You’re good for each other.”
Shou was listening very carefully.
“Look. I know you are trying to protect us. We all appreciate it. But I don’t want you to feel pressured. You have to relax a little. Try to stop thinking about things so much. Just have a good time. You know we’ll always cover your backs.”
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
Hiroto pretended to think. “I can’t quite remember.”
“Well I do.” Shou said with his warmest smile and Hiroto really hoped Tora realized how lucky he was.
Much like Tora expected, sex did change everything. But if anything, it solidified the foundation that they had. This step took them to a higher level of intimacy. It was amazing how just one night could transform a relationship on so many levels. It was so much more than just the physical aspect. Knowing you are wanted and needed does wonders to one’s confidence and self-esteem. There still was a great deal of awkwardness but Tora knew that now overcoming it was only a question of time.
The tour was hard. Of course they loved playing live, that’s what they enjoyed the most as a band but it was highly frustrating to keep distance just when their relationship got physical. They had to be on guard all the time. Stealing quick kisses at the back of the bus could only satisfy for so long.
Tora wondered how come he never really noticed how incredibly sexy Shou looked with his hair messy and his face covered in drops of sweat. His arms looked toned, he must have been working out. And then there were the leather pants, hugging his long legs in all the right places. During the concerts Tora would often catch Shou’s fiery gaze on him so he tried not to look too often.
But it was the worst after the concerts. With the adrenaline pumping through their blood, it was so easy to give in to the passion. But Tora knew that wasn't even an option.
They agreed it would be better if the two of them roomed separately so Tora roomed with Hiroto as usual while Shou ended up rooming with the manager.
It was late at night and Tora was supposed to be asleep but his head was heavy with thoughts of all kinds. Hiroto was strangely absent considering he was an early riser. There was a soft knock on the door. Tora tried to ignore it but the visitor obviously did not intend to leave. Groaning Tora got up and went to open the door and give the intruder a piece of mind. However as soon as he did, the man on the other side slid in, closed and locked the door behind him and before Tora could even realize what was going on he was being kissed like there’s no tomorrow.
After a few moments Tora recognized his late night guest and relaxed into the kiss. Then his responsible part kicked in.
“Wait, wait. Shou.” Shou leaned away reluctantly not quite letting go. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like?” Shou smirked.
“This is dangerous. We can get caught.”
“By who? The manager is fast asleep and I traded with Hiroto. The door is locked anyway. We just have to be quiet.” Shou said blushing a little.
“But what if…” a thousand scenarios were running though Tora’s head.
“I’m not stupid. I’ll return to my room before sunrise.” Shou looked slightly upset and this wasn't what Tora wanted at all. “Look, if you want to sleep, it’s ok, I’ll just go back to my room.” Shou began to disentangle himself and Tora knew he needed to act fast.
“No!” he said as he brought Shou closer “I don’t want you to go. Just… I can’t help thinking of all the ways things can go wrong, you know. If it was just us, that’d be one thing, but there are so many people who can suffer if we’re not careful enough.” Shou’s expression softened.
“Always the one to care about the others. But Tora, what about us? Now that I can finally have you I don’t think I can keep myself from touching you for weeks.”
“We’ll work it out somehow. Come here.”
That night they made love under the sheets, slow and deep and so hot. Careful not to make a noise they drowned the sounds in each other’s mouths. Shou was holding onto him so tight he would get bruises later but at the moment he didn't care.
When Tora woke up, the bed was empty. For a moment he’d thought he dreamed the whole thing. Only an elegant bracelet on the side table reminded him of the night’s events.
It happened after one of the concerts. It was late so everyone had already gone to bed but here they were standing in the hotel’s dark hallway, goodnight wishes stretched too long.
At this hour the hall was empty and quiet. Tora was whispering something into Shou’s ear when in a moment he felt the man’s body stiffen and his expression change. He looked plain terrified. As Tora looked back he saw their manager standing just a few meters away. Tora took a second to assess the situation. They weren't kissing or even touching but the way their bodies were positioned easily betrayed the nature of their relationship.
Tora’s heart seemed to stop for a few moments. As if in slow motion he saw the manager turning away and walking towards his room. Tora turned back to Shou throwing “Let me” and ran after the manager. Thankfully, the latter didn't make it far.
“Listen, this is not…” he began to explain but was interrupted.
“I am your manager. My job is to make sure your schedule goes smoothly. What you do in your free time is none of my business.” His expression was open and friendly.
“Thank you.” Tora said sincerely.
“Just make sure to be careful.”
“We will.” Tora promised.
Until the end of the tour they tried to keep their distance. Sometimes Tora would catch Shou’s gaze on him, longing mixed with apprehension and it took all of his resolve not to come over and hold him tight. But they both knew what they were in for and that this was just one of the many trials they had to face.
Standing on stage as a band, playing with all they had, seeing people smile and sing along - it was the reason they got into music. Tora really felt that with these people he could do anything. This band meant the world to him and he would never let it fall apart because of his carelessness. He knew Shou felt the same way. That is why they had to endure.
The last concert in Tokyo was amazing, a great ending of a great tour. The venue wasn't very big but it didn't matter. What mattered was that they put on a great show, that the audience danced and sang along happily and everyone had a great time.
Shou sang with all his heart. Standing on stage in his tight red and black suit, illuminated by the lights he looked out of this world. It was mesmerizing how with each song he transformed, tuning from gentle to demonic and back again. Many times during the concert Shou came over to Tora’s side, just brushing past him or even putting a hand on his shoulder and when their eyes met for a few moments Tora felt like everything around them disappeared, like it was just the two of them on stage connected by the supreme power of music.
Tora felt his heart fill with joy. Nothing in the world could beat this feeling. As he gave one final bow to the audience he felt arms gently embracing him from behind. He didn't have to look back to know who they belonged to.
Now they were finally alone in Tora’s apartment. It was quiet but the sound of shouting and cheering still rung in his ears.
“You were amazing tonight.” He said quietly to Shou who also seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.
“Thank you.” Shou said. “You were pretty good too.”
“Although I have to say you still have ground for improvement.” He added with a teasing smile. It was an obvious challenge.
“Oh, really? Come here you…”
Shou turned to run away laughing but he didn't make it far and it was obvious he wasn't trying hard. Tora caught him, lifted him off the floor and spun him around a few times. But then suddenly he stopped and put the vocalist down looking apologetic.
“What’s wrong?” Shou asked.
“Nothing.”
“Does your back hurt?” Shou looked genuinely confused and even worried.
“No. No, I…It’s just that…you’re a man and…” Tora tried his best to explain. Now Shou looked amused.
“So? You think it would hurt my male pride?”
“Well…” Tora tried to pick his words carefully. “It’s just that sometimes I get confused. Before I used to go out with girls and I'm used to dealing with them. But you’re not a girl so I don’t want to treat you like one.”
“Does it bother you that I'm a man?” Shou asked, this time seriously.
“No.” Tora answered without missing a beat. “I don’t know if I can explain it. I don’t think of you as a man or as a woman. Somehow I just think of you as you.”
Tora wasn't sure he was making sense but it looked like Shou understood.
“Listen…” Shou said after a while, “I don’t care what it looks like or how it’s supposed to be. I just want to do what feels good. Remember the time when we were in Givuss?” Shou smiled fondly at the memories. “You would always be so protective of me. If anyone said shit about me you’d get really mad and make them apologize. It’s like I had my own bodyguard. It made me happy, you know. Because it meant you cared about me.”
“I guess I just always wanted to protect the things that were important to me.” Tora said more to himself than to Shou.
“I don’t want someone else’s rules and clichés dictate our relationship. I want us to do what works for us.”
Tora felt like an idiot. Why would he even think Shou could misunderstand? Shou knew him better than anyone, maybe even better than he knew himself. Sometimes it scared him. But right now he felt relief and gratitude and other things he couldn't make sense of just yet.
But he didn't say any of that. Instead he said:
“Ok. Next time I have cockroach problems I’ll call you to come and rescue me.”
“You do that.” Shou laughed. “But right now I'm tired so carry me to bed.”
“Yes, your Majesty.”
After a few more shows the tour came to an end. Tora felt both sad and relieved. A part of him wanted to go on another tour as quickly as possible but another part just wanted to lie on the couch and not do anything. Since the former wasn't really an option Tora allowed himself to get lazy staying in, playing games and watching dramas. Shou wasn't trying to lure him out for which he was grateful.
Every other day they would come visit each other. Though most of the time it was Shou that would come over. He claimed it was because Tora’s place was bigger and he liked to play with Chikin but Tora suspected there was more to it. He didn't mind though. He wasn't the most sociable person but with Shou he always felt relaxed and he didn't have to think of what to say or do.
They didn't need to have sex every time, Tora realized. Sometimes they would make out on the couch for what seemed like hours. Kissing and touching leisurely, exploring and making up for all the time they had lost.
And sometimes there wasn't even that. It felt good just to be close, even just being in the same room. Shou would read a book and he would strum his guitar lazily and they could stay silent for hours but it felt oddly comfortable. Shou seemed to have a calming effect on him easing restlessness and every time the man leaned against him his body seemed to relax on its own.
“Shou?” Tora asked as they were lying in each other’s arms on the sofa.
“Mmhm?” Shou replied sleepily.
“Since when did you…” he struggled for the right word.
“Want you?” Shou offered.
“Yeah.” The bassist’s words from that night kept ringing in Tora’s mind. Shou seemed to contemplate his answer.
“Since a long time ago.” That left the guitarist even more curious so he decided to prod further.
“How long?” once again his question was met with a long pause.
“Since Meguro Rokumeikan.” Shou finally answered.
“Since what?” Tora racked his brains for clues. “Wait, but wasn't that… the first time we met.”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” was the first question that came to Tora’s mind.
“Tell you what? That I was crazy about you? I don’t think it would have been a good idea. I knew I never had a chance with you. You were clearly straight. And very good-looking. Anyone would fall for you. And I was just… me.”
“Don’t say that. I always thought you were cool.”
“Thank you.” Shou smiled weakly. “But, you know, it would have never worked out. And now, I just didn't see the point. I was afraid you’d freak out if you knew.” Tora remained silent still trying to process what he just heard.
“And it looks like you did.” Shou added.
“What? No, no. It’s just… I wish I’d realized sooner.” Shou shifted to face him properly.
“Don't.”
“All these years… How did you…”
“I don't know. I tried to get rid of these feelings. Tried to move on. But it’s pretty hard to fight your feelings for someone who’s next to you all the time.” Shou smiled bitterly. “I went out with… a couple of guys.”
Tora frowned despite himself.
“And they were nice. But…” Shou paused for a moment before continuing “I kept finding myself comparing them to you. I realized I'm just lying to myself. It wasn't fair to them. So I gave up.”
“Shou…”
“I don’t want you to feel obliged and say you are sorry. It’s in the past. Now that we’re together I don’t want to waste a minute on regrets. I don’t regret anything.”
“Me neither. Because it brought us here. And I like where we are now. Very much.” Tora said leaning in for a kiss.
Tora knew there would be many trials to face, many hardships to overcome and many choices to be made. But as he looked at Shou’s sleeping face he felt that somehow they’re going to be alright. He knew that together they’ll figure out a way of dealing with all these things, draw the strength from each other and find the perfect balance.