Unbroken
Title: Unbroken
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: Late-night talks are never easy. Set somewhere after Part 5.
“Have you ever... tried to do it with a girl?” Tora asked one evening as they lay in bed watching the Tokyo nightscape.
“Yeah, once.” Shou paused. “I went to an all-boys' school and I never really had the chance to date girls. But I wanted to. At least I thought I wanted it. Because that's what everyone around me wanted. But even as I graduated it wasn't easy. I've always felt that I was weird and unattractive and I didn't really know how to deal with girls. But when I began to sing in a band something seemed to change. Girls began to get interested in me.”
Tora could see it was hard for the man to talk so he listened patiently.
“There was one time... After a concert at some tiny club a girl came up to me and began complimenting me. She was pretty and I wasn't used to that kind of attention. But I was so happy that she liked me. She bought me a drink and I'm terrible with alcohol, you know, but I just couldn't refuse. I thought "what kind of man am I if I can't take a bit of alcohol?" So I drank it and I got all dizzy. She saw that and said I need to get some air, took me outside and somehow we ended up at the hotel district. I can't even remember how we reached the hotel. It was a small and cheap one, a love hotel. I sat on the bed and she kept asking me "Do you like me?" and I didn't know what to say. Then she began to take my clothes off.” Shou shuddered even though it was a warm summer night. “At first I tried to push her off but then I told myself that finally here's a girl who seems to like me and want me and I'm a man, an adult so why would I refuse?” Shou smiled bitterly. “So I let her undress me and tried to do the same for her. But it was so awkward, my fingers were numb and my head was spinning. We kissed but I must have been bad at it, it's not like I had any practice. I touched her but I didn't really know what I was doing. But I was determined to go through with it. And then she took off my underwear and I heard her gasp. My heart skipped a bit. I thought there was something wrong with me. When I looked down I saw that I wasn't hard. At all. She looked really mad, started mocking me and calling me names, stuff like that. Then she left. And I just lied there thinking about it. But the answer was right there on the surface, really. I didn't want her. Or any other girl for that matter. I think it was then that I finally started to accept it.”
Shou was hugging his knees looking down. He seemed smaller somehow. Tora wanted to reach out to him, to hold him tight but he also wanted to hear what Shou had to say so he decided against it.
“I was disgusted with myself, thought I was a freak. My band was going nowhere too. I felt trapped, worthless.” Tora cringed. He was dying for a smoke right now but that would also have to wait.
“So you still wasn't sure?” the guitarist asked softly.
“That I'm gay? No. I was good at lying to myself. I did have urges but I decided that it was all due to the fact that I only had boys around me when I was growing up. I just…” Shou took a deep breath “you know, everyone expects you to grow up and find a girl, and marry and have kids. Nobody ever prepared me that there might be a different scenario. It’s not an easy thing to come to terms with.”
“I think I can understand.” Tora’s case wasn’t nearly as difficult and yet he had a really hard time coming to terms with his feelings.
“But when I thought everything fell apart I saw the light.” Shou turned to look at Tora and by the small smile gracing his lips the guitarist understood.
“Don’t say it like that. It’s not like I was in a much better place at the time. And don’t make me look like a charity. I just picked the coolest vocalist for my band.”
“I wasn’t even that good...” Shou began to protest but was interrupted.
“Do not doubt my judgment. You don’t think I picked you for your pretty face, do you?”
“God, no. I looked weird.” Shou laughed.
“Everyone looked weird at that point.” Tora pointed put. “And hey, you’re talking to the guy who was bullied for being weird since kindergarten. Too white, too fat or too big… there never was a time when I felt normal.”
“I… sorry. I never really thought about it that way since you’re so beautiful. ” Shou said. Tora was amazed at how the man always blushed when he talked about something intimate but could deliver a compliment without blinking. The guitarist had yet to learn how to deal with it. For now he finally gave in to his urge wrapping his arm around Shou’s shoulder and pulling his closer.
“Well, I guess both of us were ugly ducklings.”
The vocalist chuckled but soon relaxed and leaned into him. They both were quiet for a few minutes.
“So… when did you know for sure?” Tora felt the body next to him stiffen slightly. He knew it was a heavy talk but he wanted to know everything, the good and the bad. Shou bit on his lip and seemed to hesitate for a moment.
“Remember that concert when we finally got to perform in a decent club and there were lots of people, well, by our standards? And we were so excited, so high. And after it was over I think I cried and you held me really tight and it just felt so good.” Even in the darkness of the room Tora could tell Shou was embarrassed. “And then… then I felt my body react. Just like that. I was mortified. I was so worried that you’d notice and hate me that I made sure to keep my distance.”
“I could never hate you.” Tora said earnestly.
“I just couldn’t run the risk of losing you.”
For a few minutes they were quiet until Tora said:
“I’m sorry you had to go through this. It must have been tough.”
“I don’t know. Somehow I convinced myself that you were off-limits, that you were family. And for quite awhile it worked.” Tora was quite familiar with that tactic. “But one day I saw you looking at me and it was different from before. From that moment I couldn’t control the stupid feeling of hope that seemed to grow within me.”
“It wasn’t stupid.”
“I guess.” Shou looked up at him with a smile that was a little devious. “Since I did get into your bed.”
Tora smiled admiring Shou’s ability to change the mood so quickly.
“Sorry for bringing all of this up.”
“No, it’s fine. That was long ago. It’s not something I’m proud of but since you really want to know…”
“I want your everything.”
Shou didn’t say anything, just smiled but his eyes revealed more than words ever could.
“But I think that’s enough for today.” Tora said. “We have time. You look tired, let’s go to sleep.”
“Ok. But first I need you to help me clear my head.”
“What?”
Instead of a reply Tora got pulled into a kiss.
“If that’s what it takes then I’m ready” Tora said still panting as they broke for air.
“Just kiss me.” And the man could only comply.
It was later when Shou fell asleep, his back to Tora that the man leaned in to get a good look at his face, so relaxed and peaceful.
“You are beautiful.” Tora whispered. The vocalist couldn’t hear him but for a second Tora thought he saw the corner of his mouth twitch.
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: Late-night talks are never easy. Set somewhere after Part 5.
“Have you ever... tried to do it with a girl?” Tora asked one evening as they lay in bed watching the Tokyo nightscape.
“Yeah, once.” Shou paused. “I went to an all-boys' school and I never really had the chance to date girls. But I wanted to. At least I thought I wanted it. Because that's what everyone around me wanted. But even as I graduated it wasn't easy. I've always felt that I was weird and unattractive and I didn't really know how to deal with girls. But when I began to sing in a band something seemed to change. Girls began to get interested in me.”
Tora could see it was hard for the man to talk so he listened patiently.
“There was one time... After a concert at some tiny club a girl came up to me and began complimenting me. She was pretty and I wasn't used to that kind of attention. But I was so happy that she liked me. She bought me a drink and I'm terrible with alcohol, you know, but I just couldn't refuse. I thought "what kind of man am I if I can't take a bit of alcohol?" So I drank it and I got all dizzy. She saw that and said I need to get some air, took me outside and somehow we ended up at the hotel district. I can't even remember how we reached the hotel. It was a small and cheap one, a love hotel. I sat on the bed and she kept asking me "Do you like me?" and I didn't know what to say. Then she began to take my clothes off.” Shou shuddered even though it was a warm summer night. “At first I tried to push her off but then I told myself that finally here's a girl who seems to like me and want me and I'm a man, an adult so why would I refuse?” Shou smiled bitterly. “So I let her undress me and tried to do the same for her. But it was so awkward, my fingers were numb and my head was spinning. We kissed but I must have been bad at it, it's not like I had any practice. I touched her but I didn't really know what I was doing. But I was determined to go through with it. And then she took off my underwear and I heard her gasp. My heart skipped a bit. I thought there was something wrong with me. When I looked down I saw that I wasn't hard. At all. She looked really mad, started mocking me and calling me names, stuff like that. Then she left. And I just lied there thinking about it. But the answer was right there on the surface, really. I didn't want her. Or any other girl for that matter. I think it was then that I finally started to accept it.”
Shou was hugging his knees looking down. He seemed smaller somehow. Tora wanted to reach out to him, to hold him tight but he also wanted to hear what Shou had to say so he decided against it.
“I was disgusted with myself, thought I was a freak. My band was going nowhere too. I felt trapped, worthless.” Tora cringed. He was dying for a smoke right now but that would also have to wait.
“So you still wasn't sure?” the guitarist asked softly.
“That I'm gay? No. I was good at lying to myself. I did have urges but I decided that it was all due to the fact that I only had boys around me when I was growing up. I just…” Shou took a deep breath “you know, everyone expects you to grow up and find a girl, and marry and have kids. Nobody ever prepared me that there might be a different scenario. It’s not an easy thing to come to terms with.”
“I think I can understand.” Tora’s case wasn’t nearly as difficult and yet he had a really hard time coming to terms with his feelings.
“But when I thought everything fell apart I saw the light.” Shou turned to look at Tora and by the small smile gracing his lips the guitarist understood.
“Don’t say it like that. It’s not like I was in a much better place at the time. And don’t make me look like a charity. I just picked the coolest vocalist for my band.”
“I wasn’t even that good...” Shou began to protest but was interrupted.
“Do not doubt my judgment. You don’t think I picked you for your pretty face, do you?”
“God, no. I looked weird.” Shou laughed.
“Everyone looked weird at that point.” Tora pointed put. “And hey, you’re talking to the guy who was bullied for being weird since kindergarten. Too white, too fat or too big… there never was a time when I felt normal.”
“I… sorry. I never really thought about it that way since you’re so beautiful. ” Shou said. Tora was amazed at how the man always blushed when he talked about something intimate but could deliver a compliment without blinking. The guitarist had yet to learn how to deal with it. For now he finally gave in to his urge wrapping his arm around Shou’s shoulder and pulling his closer.
“Well, I guess both of us were ugly ducklings.”
The vocalist chuckled but soon relaxed and leaned into him. They both were quiet for a few minutes.
“So… when did you know for sure?” Tora felt the body next to him stiffen slightly. He knew it was a heavy talk but he wanted to know everything, the good and the bad. Shou bit on his lip and seemed to hesitate for a moment.
“Remember that concert when we finally got to perform in a decent club and there were lots of people, well, by our standards? And we were so excited, so high. And after it was over I think I cried and you held me really tight and it just felt so good.” Even in the darkness of the room Tora could tell Shou was embarrassed. “And then… then I felt my body react. Just like that. I was mortified. I was so worried that you’d notice and hate me that I made sure to keep my distance.”
“I could never hate you.” Tora said earnestly.
“I just couldn’t run the risk of losing you.”
For a few minutes they were quiet until Tora said:
“I’m sorry you had to go through this. It must have been tough.”
“I don’t know. Somehow I convinced myself that you were off-limits, that you were family. And for quite awhile it worked.” Tora was quite familiar with that tactic. “But one day I saw you looking at me and it was different from before. From that moment I couldn’t control the stupid feeling of hope that seemed to grow within me.”
“It wasn’t stupid.”
“I guess.” Shou looked up at him with a smile that was a little devious. “Since I did get into your bed.”
Tora smiled admiring Shou’s ability to change the mood so quickly.
“Sorry for bringing all of this up.”
“No, it’s fine. That was long ago. It’s not something I’m proud of but since you really want to know…”
“I want your everything.”
Shou didn’t say anything, just smiled but his eyes revealed more than words ever could.
“But I think that’s enough for today.” Tora said. “We have time. You look tired, let’s go to sleep.”
“Ok. But first I need you to help me clear my head.”
“What?”
Instead of a reply Tora got pulled into a kiss.
“If that’s what it takes then I’m ready” Tora said still panting as they broke for air.
“Just kiss me.” And the man could only comply.
It was later when Shou fell asleep, his back to Tora that the man leaned in to get a good look at his face, so relaxed and peaceful.
“You are beautiful.” Tora whispered. The vocalist couldn’t hear him but for a second Tora thought he saw the corner of his mouth twitch.