A Little White Lie: part 1

[signcherie]

I thought I might share this piece I've been working on for the kink meme over here as well. I've got a lot more than this up on the kink meme, but I'm re-proofreading before I repost it here, so this is just the first part.

crossposted to knickerweasels

Title: A Little White Lie (part 1/?)
Author: signcherie
Rating: T
Pairing: Anders/f!Hawke
Summary: Hawke is awkward with men. To get her to loosen up around Anders, Bethany and Isabela tell her that the apostate is only romantically interested...in other men.

“You’ve got it bad,” said Bethany.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hawke replied. Unfortunately, she blushed scarlet, giving away her lie.

“I’m not blind, Sister. That mage, the Grey Warden. I saw the way you looked at him.”

Autumn Hawke turned even redder, and Bethany found herself amused that her big sister, the woman who could face ogres without flinching, could be so undone by one man. “You mean the incredibly good-looking, selfless healer with the free clinic? The one who devotes himself to helping penniless refugees? Yeah, I noticed him. So what?”

“So...what are you going to do?”

“I’ll tell you what. I’m going to help him free his friend from the Templars. Then I’m going to get those maps. And then we’re going into the Deep Roads on that expedition, and that will be the end of it.”

Bethany frowned. “I don’t know why you’re so scared of putting yourself out there. He’s probably lonely.”

“Yes,” Hawke answered dryly. “I’m sure he has a terrible problem meeting women. What with all those desperate, grateful refugees whose lives he’s saved, and all.”

“Sister,” said Bethany, “I don’t want to interfere in your life. But if you don’t make a move, how will you even know what might have been?”

Hawke hesitated. “What do you think I should say?”

Bethany smiled. “Just let him know you like him. That’s all.”

-----

Nothing went as planned.

In spite of herself, Hawke was looking forward to seeing the healer again. Maybe Bethany was right. If she didn’t try, she wouldn’t ever know if she had a chance, right? Not that handsomely scruffy mages had any reason to be interested in beat-up, battle-scarred warriors. But maybe...it was a risk she should take.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him waiting outside the Chantry. There was something...lost about him. Hawke wondered if maybe Bethany was right and Anders really was lonely.

But when she approached, his face took on a determined edge, and Hawke slipped into business mode as well.

From there, everything fell to pieces.

It didn’t matter that she didn’t know the man. When Karl turned to face them, and she saw the Tranquil brand blazing on his forehead, it was like a blow to the face. So many nightmares of that brand had haunted her dreams. Nightmares where Bethany’s face bore that mark, her eyes staring emptily. Hawke would scream and cling to Bethany’s robes, knowing that it was her own fault--that she had failed to protect her baby sister. She awoke from those nightmares gasping and sweating, clutching the sheets.

She had approached Karl expecting...who knows what. A warm smile, a friendly greeting. Instead, she was met with the hollow stare from her nightmares. It was nearly a physical shock, and she didn’t even know Karl.

No, it really couldn’t have gone worse.

-----

When it was all over, and they stood once again in the Darktown clinic, Hawke felt ill. She couldn’t even imagine how it must feel to be the instrument of death for someone you dearly loved. It was the kind of thing she tried very hard to avoid thinking of.

She looked at Anders. He looked exhausted and miserable, his face creased with sorrow. Hawke had to fight the ache to just reach out and hold him.

Great idea.

Instead, she asked him about his glowy display of magic.

His brow furrowed in dismay. “I...this is hard to explain,” he said. “When I was in Amaranthine, I met a spirit of Justice...”

Hawke listened to his explanation in growing horror as she realized what had happened to him--how his compassion and selflessness toward a friend had come back to hurt him. It was exactly the kind of thing she could imagine Bethany doing. She found herself filled with the desire to protect him--to stand between him and the world.

As if to confirm her fears, Bethany said, “You tried to help a friend. Surely no harm can come of that.”

“I wish I still had your innocence,” Anders answered. “There was too much hatred in me. Justice thought he could overcome that. But my anger--when I see Templars now, things that have always outraged me, but I could never do anything about--he comes out. And he is no longer my friend Justice. He is a force of Vengeance, and he has no grasp of mercy.”

He looked so...broken. Hawke remembered what Bethany said, that maybe he was lonely. Maybe she should just suck it up. Let him know she was...interested.

What kinds of things did women say in this situation?

He was looking at her expectantly.

She put on what she hoped was a seductive smile. “So, that explains your whole...sexy, tortured look,” she said, trying her best to sound alluring.

There was an awkward pause. Bethany put her face in her hands.

Hawke realized suddenly just exactly how badly timed her proclamation was. The man had just been forced to kill a dear friend and was confessing his most horrible regrets, and here she was, throwing herself at him. Anders was looking at her with his eyebrows raised.

She wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

“Perhaps I should check a looking glass more often,” Anders said lightly. “I had not thought to find a woman who would look past what I just said.”

Hawke wanted to say something, to apologize, but he was going on, all business. “My maps are yours. As am I, if you wish me to join your expedition. I thought I was done with the Grey Wardens, but if you have any need of me, I will be waiting here.”

She got out of there as quickly as she could.

-----

“I don’t think he was put off,” Bethany said. “Honestly, Sister. You should give it another shot.”

“Sure. Why not? And while I’m at it, I might as well stab myself in the eye. Since I’m going to be a glutton for punishment and all.”

“He likes you,” Bethany insisted. “Okay, yes, you put your foot in your mouth. But it didn’t throw him off at all. Don’t you see? That makes him perfect for you. You’d be crazy to let this one go.”

Hawke sighed. “As it happens, Beth, I did try again.”

Bethany paused, apprehensive. “How...did that go?”

“Terribly. I barely got the words out of my mouth before he was telling me to back off.” Hawke shrugged nonchalantly, trying to show she didn’t care. “He said he didn’t want to see me get my heart broken.”

“What? Why? What did you say to him?”

“I...told him Justice was lucky to have gotten such a nice body.”

“Oh, Sister.” Bethany rubbed her eyes.

“Well, how was I supposed to know what to say? You said to let him know I was interested. That’s what I did, right?”

“I didn’t mean for you to be quite so forward about it. But I can’t believe he shot you down. It’s obvious he’s crazy about you. He looks at you like--like he’s drowning, and you’re his life raft.”

“He does not. And it doesn’t matter. Let’s face it, Sister,” Hawke said. “I’m just not cut out for the whole romance thing. If I’m not killed by raiders or something, I’ll probably die alone, a miserable, old lady. With cats. A miserable, old, cat lady. Best I get used to the idea now.”

-----

A few weeks passed. Anders became an indispensable member of Hawke’s party, though she could barely meet his eyes, let alone hold a conversation with him. In her quest for coin to fund her expedition, she found herself making even more allies, including the sexy pirate, Isabela.

-----

Bethany was beginning to think her sister was beyond all hope.

They were in the Hanged Man, the whole group of them. Merrill, Aveline, and Varric sat at a nearby table, Varric gesturing emphatically as he spun some tale or other, while Merrill watched him with wide eyes, and Aveline gave him disbelieving looks. In the corner, Fenris appeared to be looking for an escape from the pretty pirate wench who had perched herself on the table in front of him.

And then, there were Hawke and Anders.

They sat on the other side of the table from Bethany. Anders was attempting to teach Hawke the game of diamondback, leaning in close to her as he explained the different combinations of cards. His smile, as he gazed at her, was slightly wistful. Hawke, for her part, was staring awkwardly at her cards and turning interesting shades of red.

“Is she always this bad?”

Bethany turned to see Isabela slide into the seat next to her. A quick glance around the room showed her that Fenris had joined the others at their table.

Isabela flashed Bethany a grin. “I wouldn’t have thought Hawke to be the shy type,” she continued.

Nervously, Bethany glanced back at her sister, but she and Anders were in a world of their own. They didn’t even seem to have noticed Isabela’s arrival.

“She’s not shy,” Bethany said. “Not in the least. She’ll stand up to anyone, no concern for what they might think. Always ready with a smart comment.”

Isabela raised an eyebrow and gestured toward Hawke, who had just dropped her cards and was scrambling to pick them up. “So what’s all this?”

Bethany sighed. “Maker only knows.”

Isabela downed the last of her drink. “I could use another,” she said, “and it looks like you could, too. Come to the bar and tell me about it.”

With a nod, Bethany stood. “Sister, I’ll be just over here if you need me.”

Hawke was fumbling to get her cards back in order, with Anders’s help. Neither seemed to hear her.

“Sister?”

“I’m just taking Bethany off to deflower her in numerous and creative ways, then,” Isabela said loudly. “I promise I’ll bring her back mostly unharmed. Unless she asks me not to, that is.”

Bethany could feel herself blushing. “Isabela!”

Hawke blinked and looked up. “Did you say something?” she asked.

“Nothing at all, love.” Isabela grabbed Bethany’s hand. “Come on.”

A few minutes later they had seats at the bar and fresh drinks in hand.

“All right, love. Spill. What’s the deal with your gorgeous sister? Why aren’t she and Anders shagging like rabbits already?”

Bethany sighed. “You’re asking me, but I honestly don’t get it. I’ve never seen a situation Autumn couldn’t handle -- except for men. For some reason, every time she meets a man she’s attracted to, she clams up and can’t open her mouth. And when she tries to get past that and actually make a move, she ends up sounding like a brothel worker.”

Isabela laughed. “Oh, this I’ve got to hear,” she said. “What does she say?”

“Well,” said Bethany, “there was a farmer’s son when we were teenagers in Lothering. He was a couple of years older than her and didn’t know either of us existed. But she had such a crush on him. One day, she got up all her nerve, walked out to his farm where he was working, and asked him if he was looking for a good place to sow his seed.”

Isabela choked on her drink.

“I know,” Bethany said. “The worst part was, she was completely oblivious to the double meaning. Well, until after she said it.”

“I don’t mean to belittle her horror,” said Isabela, “but that actually sounds like a line most men would fall over themselves for. Especially from a woman who looks like Hawke.”

“You’re...not wrong. He took her up on it. Had his way with her in the barn, then told all his friends. The next day, she ran up to him in town, all smiles. He laughed at her. They all laughed at her. Then one of his friends asked her if he could ‘sow his seed,’ too.”

“Andraste’s tits, that’s awful.” Isabela frowned at Bethany. “I was looking for a good laugh, but this is tragic.”

“It was, a bit. Autumn went home and cried for an hour. Then she went back out and broke his nose.”

“That’s the Hawke we all know and love. Pity she didn’t break something a little more dear to him than his nose.”

“She accomplished her goal, anyway. No one in Lothering ever talked about the...incident, again.”

Bethany took a drink. “Then, there was that friend of Carver’s,” she continued. “Braden, his name was. He was Autumn’s age, and he had the biggest crush her. She was completely normal around him until I told her that he fancied her. I thought I was doing her a favor, but she started acting so strangely. Hanging around while Braden and Carver were training, but not saying a word. Just standing there like some kind of statue. Carver and Braden both planned to go into the army, you see, and they had these wooden practice swords they used to train with. One day, Sister blurts out, ‘Braden, I sure would like to see your real sword.’”

Isabela laughed. “Surely that wasn’t so bad? I can’t imagine this Braden didn’t like that.”

“Did I mention it was right in front of his mother?”

“Ooh, you’re right. That is bad.”

“Carver wanted to kill her. Braden stopped training with him after that. Although, as it happens, Braden ended up in the Templars, so I can’t be too sorry it didn’t work out.”

“So your confident, fearless, silver-tongued sister loses all sense of propriety around men?”

“That’s not even it. It’s like she loses her ability to reason. I can’t even explain it properly. It’s not just the things she says, it’s the way she says it. Like she’s afraid if she doesn’t go completely over the top that the man will never know that she’s flirting. And if she’s not making bad attempts at flirting, she loses the capability of speech.”

Both women looked back at the table, where Hawke was dealing out two hands of cards and still not looking at the man beside her. Anders had leaned over and was speaking encouragingly in her ear.

Bethany sighed. “If only there was a way to get her to act naturally around men.”

Isabela drained her glass and set it on the counter with a thunk. “Kitten,” she said, “I think I’ve got an idea.”

-----

“This staff looks really nice,” said Hawke. “Bethany, what do you think?”

Hawke, Bethany, and Isabela were in the Lowtown market, stocking up on supplies. Hawke was appraising a rather handsome staff. She ran a finger along the mahogany wood, admiring its smooth finish. She’d noticed that the staff Anders had been using was a bit worn down. He could probably use a replacement.

“It’s a good staff,” Bethany agreed.

“Do you think it’s nicer than the staff Anders has?”

Isabela chuckled. “Sweet thing, I’d bet that Anders’s staff is much nicer than that.”

Hawke felt her ears getting warm. “Isabela, can’t you ever get your mind out of the gutter?”

“But it’s so much fun there, kitten.”

Hawke deliberately turned her attention back to the merchant’s display. It was a good staff. She could picture Anders using it, his body twisting and lunging as he shot fire or lightning at his foes. Not that she spent a lot of time watching Anders’s body or anything. She was just...looking out for him. Making sure he didn’t get overwhelmed by enemies.

“You have to admit,” Isabela said, perching herself on the merchant’s table, “it is a pity.”

Hawke sighed and opened her purse, fumbling for her coins. “I’m going to regret asking this, but what’s a pity?”

“Anders, of course.” She sighed dramatically. “Why do all the good ones go for other men?”

Hawke’s head snapped up. “Why do--what?”

“Didn’t you know?” Isabela smiled slyly. “Anders plays for the other team.”

“Anders--”

“--is romantically interested in men, yes.” Isabela paused. “Didn’t he tell you about Karl?”

Hawke felt lightheaded.

“I thought they were friends,” Hawke said. “He told me Karl was his friend.”

The pirate shrugged. “If you have a loose definition of the word ‘friend,’ perhaps.”

It couldn’t be true. Surely Anders would have told her something like that. Even Bethany hadn’t noticed; she wouldn’t have encouraged her toward Anders if she thought he might....

Hawke looked at Bethany, who shrugged apologetically.

Her heart turned to lead in her chest. She put her hands on the table, leaning on it for support. “I can’t believe it. Why wouldn’t he tell me? I thought...”

Isabela raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“...that he trusted me,” Hawke finished lamely.

Isabela hopped down from the table. “I’m sure he does, love. Maybe...it just hasn’t come up yet.”

There was absolutely no reason she should feel like this, Hawke told herself. No reason why her chest should feel tight or her breath come with difficulty. No reason her eyes should be stinging.

She wasn’t going to cry.

He was just a friend, after all. He’d told her she didn’t have a chance, that she would just end up getting hurt. She’d already come to terms with that.

So why did this news seem worse than another Blight?

“You’re probably right,” Hawke mumbled as she paid for the staff.

Behind her back and out of her hearing, Bethany whispered to Isabela, “She looks so miserable. Are you sure we did the right thing?”

“Of course, kitten,” Isabela whispered back with a grin. “You just watch and see.”

-----

Hawke hesitated just outside Anders’s clinic. With one hand, she reached back and touched the new staff, which was strapped to her back next to her two-handed sword.

Maybe she should just come back another time.

No. That was stupid. She’d come all the way down here, and this wasn’t going to be any easier if she came back. No point in wasting the trek through Darktown.

She took a deep breath and went in.

Her eyes were drawn to Anders immediately, almost as if she’d known where he would be before she entered. He was bent over a patient, a young man. A rather handsome young man, Hawke noted with annoyance. Anders was holding his arm and pressing it gently, as if testing to see where it hurt. The young man flinched slightly and glanced up at Anders apologetically. Anders patted his hand and said something to him, flashing a rare half-smile at the patient.

Suddenly Hawke wanted to set the man on fire. If only she were a mage.

-----

“It wasn’t a bad break,” Anders told his patient. “I’ve healed the bone, but you may have some tenderness. You should take it easy if possible. Don’t return to the mine, at least not right away.”

The young man shook his head. “I’ve got to, ser. My mother and sister won’t eat if I don’t work.”

“At least a few days,” Anders insisted. “That mine is too dangerous. Talk to Lirene. She may be able to help you out those few days.”

The man hesitated, then nodded. “Of course, ser.”

Anders knew he was being placated, that his patient had no intention of taking it easy, but there was nothing he could do. Deep in his soul, the part of him he associated with Justice rumbled at the inequity--Fereldans forced to work in unconscionable conditions just to avoid starvation--but this was something he saw every day, and there was only so much he could do to make it right. People’s choices remained their own, and he could not take away their free will. Nor would he wish to.

With a sigh, he rose from his patient, turned, and saw Hawke hovering in the doorway.

His heart started thumping in his chest, and the troubling thoughts that filled his mind melted away. She looked beautiful, as always. Even with her hair mussed, dressed in head-to-toe armor, there was something undeniably feminine about her. Maybe it was the curve of her lip, or the sparkle in her eye...

He’d never met a woman like her. She was bold and outspoken, brave and challenging. She dealt with nobles and smugglers with equal assurance.

Yet, somehow, she was different with him, and Anders wasn’t sure what that meant. She rarely met his eyes and hardly spoke except to answer his questions. She wasn’t rude...just distant. Had he offended her by rejecting her earlier advances?

Turning her down had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done. But he’d had to do it. He had nothing to offer her but instability and heartache. If he cared about her, he couldn’t subject her to that. She deserved so much better.

He was no longer sure she’d even been flirting with him, anyway. Maybe that was just her sense of humor. Maybe he’d put her off by assuming she was interested when she was just kidding around.

Maker, wouldn’t that just make him the biggest fool in Thedas.

Hawke smiled and started towards him. Realizing he was just standing there, staring at her like an idiot, he raised a hand in greeting and went to meet her.

“Hawke,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. I hope nothing is wrong?” Stupid, stupid. Now she would think he didn’t want to see her.

“No, everything is fine. I...wanted to give you something.” She reached for her back and removed a mahogany wood staff. As focused as he’d been on admiring her face, he hadn’t even noticed it there.

“You got me a staff?” Anders was shocked--and touched--that she’d thought of him.

She smiled. “Well, you’re no good to me without a decent weapon.”

Her tone encouraged him. She sounded light and unrestrained, and her smile was open. He found himself smiling back.

He took the staff, his hand brushing against hers and sending a little thrill through him. It was polished mahogany, carved in beautiful, intricate detail at the top. He could feel the energy in it when he touched it. Strong, healing energy.

“This is too much,” he murmured. “You shouldn’t have done this, Hawke. I know how much you need the money for your expedition.”

“I can make more money.”

She was dismissing it too easily. “Hawke. I understand what this expedition means for you. It’s your key to keeping your sister safe.”

Anders knew how important Bethany was to Hawke. He saw the protective way she watched her sister, the frightened look in her eyes whenever Bethany got injured, the fiercely determined set of her jaw whenever a Templar’s gaze might linger on her. Bethany was the luckiest mage in Thedas, as far as he was concerned.

“Nothing will happen to Bethany on my watch.” Hawke grinned. “Just take the staff. And maybe a ‘thank you’ would be nice.”

Something had definitely changed--and for the better. Anders couldn’t remember the last time Hawke had smiled so freely at him. If she ever had.

“Thank you,” Anders said simply. “It means a lot.”

Hawke looked at the floor.

Inwardly, Anders panicked. What had he done wrong to break this sudden and unexpected camaraderie?

“Anders,” Hawke said, avoiding his eyes, “can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can. Is--is this about Justice?”

“No. I was wondering--is it true that Karl was your lover?”

Anders felt his heart sink into his shoes. “You know about that?”

He hadn’t been trying to keep it a secret. He was planning to tell her. But he’d been...apprehensive. What if she took it badly that he’d been involved with men? He knew from experience that many women didn’t respond well to that kind of thing.

It shouldn’t matter how she reacted. There was no future for them. But still...he just hadn’t been able to tell her yet.

“Isabela told me,” Hawke said.

Anders mentally cursed Isabela and her big mouth to the Void.

“Yes,” Anders said. “Yes, it’s true.”

Hawke bit her bottom lip. “Why didn’t you tell me? If I had known...”

“I’m sorry,” Anders said. “I wanted to tell you myself. It’s just...I was afraid...”

She shook her head and gave him a sad smile. “It’s okay, Anders. I don’t mind. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Really?” Anders examined her face, looking for some sign of what she was thinking. “You’re okay with it?”

“Of course I am. Don’t be silly. I just--” She stopped.

“Just...what?”

“I wish I’d known sooner. Maker, it’s hard enough to lose a friend like that. But a lover...” She took his hand, and a jolt of electricity went through him.

“Thank you,” Anders murmured. “We hadn’t been together for some time. But it means a lot to me to know you care. You’re a better friend than I deserve.”

For a moment they stood there, looking at each other. Then Hawke leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

Anders was stunned.

“I should go,” she said. “Before it gets dark. Mother worries, you know. But if you need anything, you just have to ask. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Anders said again, still dazed.

Hawke flashed a smile at him, and then she was gone.

Anders raised his hand and touched it to his cheek.

-----

Hawke replayed the conversation in her head as she walked home.

I was wondering--is it true that Karl was your lover?

....Yes. Yes, it’s true.

Why didn’t you tell me? If I had known...

I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you myself. It’s just...I was afraid...

He was afraid that she would be humiliated at having thrown herself at a man who wasn’t interested in women. She understood.

She hoped she’d been gracious about it. He didn’t need to know that her heart was breaking. How silly, falling for a man who preferred the company of other men. She felt like a complete fool.

Feet heavy, Hawke trudged up the steps to her uncle’s house and pushed open the door.

Bethany was sitting at the desk with a book. She looked up when Hawke came in.

“You saw him? What did he say?”

Hawke smiled wryly. “It’s true.”

Bethany let out a breath. “I’m sorry, Sister. I shouldn’t have pushed you towards him.”

“It’s okay, Beth. You couldn’t have known.”

“Are you...how are you holding up?”

“I’m all right. It’s probably for the best. We were never going to happen anyway. Now...I can focus on being a good friend to him.”

“I know that won’t be a problem for you,” Bethany said. She stood up, pulling her sister into an embrace. “He does like you, you know. And he is lonely. I think a good friend is exactly what he needs.”

Hawke hugged Bethany back. “That’s good,” she said. “I know how to be a friend.”

Bethany smiled. “Yes,” she said. “I know.”

Part Two here