2: The Answer
Title: The Answer
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance, non-AU, songfic: VIXX - 대답은 너니까
Summary: A certain song tears open old wounds in Jaehwan's heart, if they ever truly closed to begin with.
Wordcount: 6,427
The more she smiles, the sadder I get
As time goes by, the more I feel like a sinner
At this rate, I think I'll end up alone again today
The more we talk, the lonelier I get, and I'm in danger again
You repeat in every word I say
My grudge-like love story is you
What do I love?
What do I care about the most?
I really hope she doesn't ask me
Because my answer is you
It's a late night after a day spent in practice rooms and the recording studio, but after his shower, Hakyeon waits up for Jaehwan and Taekwoon to return to the dorm. The two main vocals are kept longer in the studio than the rest of them, unsurprisingly, as they have more vocal parts to record.
Hakyeon doesn't stay up because he's worried for them, oh no. He values his few hours of sleep every night much too dearly for that to be the case. No, he waits up because he saw the look in Jaehwan's eyes right before he left, the one he has gotten so used to over the years, and he doubts the younger will ease his mind by bringing it up with Taekwoon. Or anyone else, for that matter. So, Hakyeon concludes - Jaehwan needs him right now.
Jaehwan and Taekwoon come home when the others, barred Hakyeon, are fast asleep. The older of the two pats the other on the shoulder and mumbles a soft: ”I'll shower first,”, hurrying into the bathroom and leaving Jaehwan to wait his turn next to Hakyeon on the living room couch.
He downs almost half a bottle of water as he sits down, giving the older a few questioning looks. ”Why are you still up?” he asks, screwing the bottle cap back on and placing it on the floor. ”It's late.”
”I just wanted to make sure you guys made it back alright,” Hakyeon lies, trying to sound bright.
Jaehwan nods, and the heaviness that encompasses him is tangible. He probably assumes he can pass it off as tiredness, Hakyeon thinks, with how he shies away from opening his mouth at all, but Hakyeon knows that isn't the case. He imagines Jaehwan's heart as a blister, one that hurts to touch, but constantly there, reminding him of his pain.
Jaehwan slumps back against the couch, closing his eyes. If they didn't have to be up so damn early in the morning, what with preparations for their first full album, overseas showcases and their next comeback in full swing at the same time, Hakyeon thinks Jaehwan would just say fuck it and go to sleep, but not tonight. Perhaps he won't be able to get any rest even if he tries, and perhaps he already knows this.
”It's hard for you, isn't it?” Hakyeon says quietly. Jaehwan cracks an eye open to look at him. ”Singing this song.”
”No,” Jaehwan replies, brow furrowing. ”I mean, sure, the chorus part is a little technically tricky, but I managed. It's fine.”
Hakyeon gives him a reprimanding stare. Oh, this guy and his acting skills. ”I know you can sing it perfectly, I'm not questioning that. I just meant because of the lyrics.”
Jaehwan's head falls back at the words he already knew were coming. ”Please, don't. Not this. Not now.”
”Why not?”
”Because I don't want to talk about it.” Jaehwan covers his face with his hand. ”I've done nothing but obsess over the whole thing all day, all night, hell, all fucking week, so please... don't.”
Hakyeon pulls the other's hand away from his face, but Jaehwan doesn't open his eyes. He's just barely holding himself together, Hakyeon knows this, and he feels bad, but he won't stop. ”I thought you might need someone to talk to about it, since you've been keeping it all to yourself.”
”No,” Jaehwan groans. Another lie. ”There's a reason for that, you know.”
”Jaehwan, tell me,” Hakyeon says, deciding to skip right past the usual cat and mouse chase. ”Is it still bad?”
Jaehwan sighs heavily. ”Why do you insist on-” he begins, but stops himself, seemingly realizing that Hakyeon is not the cause of all this. Hakyeon is not the one he is angry with. So instead, he stares mindlessly at the ceiling, eyes reddened and tired. ”I think it's worse than ever.”
The first time Jaehwan met Hongbin, Hakyeon was there. Jaehwan was new at Jellyfish; he became a trainee only four months before VIXX's debut. Their rep gave him a quick introduction to the others, and during their first practice together, Hakyeon noticed how Hongbin kept giving him wide-eyed stares, seeming almost a little taken aback by the other's presence.
Jaehwan was a good laugh from the moment he stepped into their practice room, but he also worked very hard, so Hakyeon assumed Hongbin's glares might have something to do with jealousy or intimidation. He asked him about it when they sat down together during a break.
”What's with you?” He elbowed Hongbin in the side when he noticed him staring, yet again, at Jaehwan, who was stretching in front of the mirror on the other side of the room.
”Uh,” Hongbin said, tearing his gaze away to focus on Hakyeon. ”What?”
”You keep staring at the new kid.”
Hongbin's eyes widened again, and he looked over towards Jaehwan, leaning closer to Hakyeon to whisper: ”I've seen him before. He sang at my school this one time. That's what made me decide to become a singer.”
Hakyeon blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected that. Hongbin wasn't threatened, he was starstruck... by some skinny guy with a large nose and abnormally curly hair. Hm. ”Really? Are you sure?” He had heard the story about the mysterious singer at Hongbin's school before, and to be honest, he was expecting someone a little more... idolly.
”Very sure,” Hongbin nodded.
”So aren't you going to talk to him?”
Hongbin finally looked away. ”I don't dare. It's too weird.”
Hakyeon raised an eyebrow at him. He didn't understand - and, well, to be honest, he still kind of doesn't - so he made a noise of disbelief before calling out to Jaehwan. ”Hey, new kid! Jaehwan!”
Hongbin paled, grabbing onto Hakyeon's arm with surprising, and kind of painful, strength. ”Hyung, hyung hyung hyung hyung-”
Jaehwan turned to look at them, and Hongbin stilled instantly. ”Yes, hyung?”
”Come here for a sec.” Hongbin looked up at him through big, pleading eyes, but Hakyeon simply waved his hand at him. It was ridiculous; how could Hongbin feel so awestruck by such an average guy?
Jaehwan sat down in front of them on the floor and curled his legs beneath him. ”Hi,” he said shifting his gaze between Hakyeon and Hongbin, who felt his ears start to heat up.
”Hey,” Hakyeon replied. ”This is Hongbin, I don't think you two have met properly. Hongbin, this is Jaehwan.”
Jaehwan held up a hand in an almost-wave. ”Hey.”
”Hi,” Hongbin mustered, voice tiny and mouse-like. Hakyeon stared at him, bemused, but decided to ignore him for now.
”Hongbin says he's seen you perform at his school,” he continued. ”Says you were so good it made him decide to audition for this company.”
Jaehwan's mouth fell open slightly in awe. ”Really?” he said, eyes lighting up with excitement and pride. It was adorable, Hakyeon would have to admit, but not as adorable as Hongbin seemed to find it; his cheeks were starting to redden now, too. ”That's so cool!”
Hongbin simply nodded, and Hakyeon nudged him with his elbow again, urging him to actually make words. Honestly, it was a little funny to see Hongbin like this. ”Y-you guys were really good,” Hongbin says when he finds his tongue. ”Obviously.”
”Hey, thanks,” Jaehwan said, leaning over to catch the younger's hand in an awkward high five before he bumped their shoulders together. If Hongbin had ever produced a sound that could be described as a giggle, Hakyeon thought, it was right then. ”What are the odds that we'd end up in the same company, huh?” Jaehwan continued, grinning from ear to ear. ”Maybe even the same group!”
Hakyeon has gone back to those words many times since then, too many to count. Yes, what were the odds that they would end up in the same company? Or in the same group?
Almost like it was meant to happen.
”Worse than ever?” Hakyeon repeats, a sinking feeling in his stomach. ”What do you mean?”
He wonders if maybe there are tears in Jaehwan's eyes now, too. It's hard to tell in the dimly lit living room. ”I mean that with every day, it seems less and less likely that I'll ever get over... this.”
The conversations he has with Jaehwan on this subject are some of the most difficult he's ever had in his life. He doesn't know love like this. He doesn't understand how it works, how it feels or how to face it.
”Every moment I spend thinking of him adds to the time I've spent... wanting him, and the more time passes, the more impossible it seems to close my heart on all of this.”
Hakyeon doesn't miss how Jaehwan avoids using the word love. It's been years, of course he loves him, who is he trying to fool? But he won't push Jaehwan too much. He doesn't deserve that. ”I guess it has to be like that for a while, you know? It doesn't mean you won't get over it.” Jaehwan looks unimpressed, and Hakyeon braces himself, tries again. ”Some people fall out of love even after ten years together. You'll move on eventually, Jaehwan.”
Jaehwan closes his eyes. ”With him around me every day, I don't see how that's possible.”
Near the end of their Rock Ur Body promotions, Jaehwan came to him on a late night, much like the one they're in the midst of right now. They'd had a rare day's rest after months of non-stop work since their debut; Hakyeon's head felt muddled just thinking about it. But when the members started getting ready for bed and Jaehwan came to him with a hushed: ”Hyung, I really need to talk to you,” which was a rarity in itself, Hakyeon decided that sleep could wait.
They fled to the privacy of their empty kitchen, closing the door firmly after making sure the other members were in bed.
”What's up?” Hakyeon asked, genuinely curious. Jaehwan was, and still is, the type to do everything he can to cheer everyone else up, but keep his problems to himself.
Jaehwan leaned against the door. ”I have feelings for Hongbin,” he said quietly, without hesitation, the words hitting Hakyeon like a hurricane. ”I have since practically the first time we met. It's starting to become too much for me to handle, and... I don't know what to do.”
Hakyeon said nothing for a while, too shocked to speak. All he could do was stare at the other boy, images of him and Hongbin whirling through his head; the two of them laughing together, playing together, being silly, clinging onto each other as often as they got the chance, and above all, Hakyeon felt dumb for not having realized it on his own.
Jaehwan grew tired of the silence after a while. ”I hope it doesn't change anything,” he said, cautiously glancing up from the floor to see his hyung's expression.
”You... You like Hongbin?”
Jaehwan nodded. His features were tired, like he didn't have the energy to even worry about Hakyeon's reaction anymore.
”Jaehwan, are you sure about this?”
”More sure than I have ever been of anything in my life.”
Suddenly feeling like he needed to sit down, Hakyeon pulled himself up on the kitchen counter, making sure to avoid slamming his head against the cabinets above. The thoughts hurried through his head too fast for him to be able to make sense of any of them, but one was present above all: this is bad.
”Does he know?” he asked eventually.
Jaehwan shook his head. ”Not as far as I know. I haven't told him.”
Okay. Well, given the circumstances, that was probably a good thing, right?
”So... What did you mean when you said it was starting to become too much for you to handle?”
Jaehwan sighed. ”I've been holding it in for so long, denying it to myself, but... Now it's like, whenever he's around I have to force myself not to... You know.”
”Uhm.” Hakyeon tried to process the words, but it was proving very difficult.
Jaehwan gave him a quick look, seemingly understanding that Hakyeon didn't necessarily want to hear any details. ”I don't know if it's because we've been a little less busy recently so that I've actually had time to think about what I'm feeling, but... I really don't know what to do.” He paused, glancing up at Hakyeon through anxious eyes. ”What do I do, hyung?”
Suddenly there were many things Hakyeon wanted to say. He wasn't homophobic, really - he hadn't spent that much time considering it, but he had been loved enough in his life know that no love is bad or wrong. It was a little peculiar, perhaps, but not just because Hongbin and Jaehwan were both men - they were both in the same group, in each other's pockets day in and day out, seeing every side of each other, the good and the bad.
Firstly, as Jaehwan's friend, his best advice would be to tell Hongbin how he felt, because if the look in Jaehwan's eyes whenever they were together was love, then what shone through Hongbin's was definitely love, as well.
But he stopped himself from saying any of those things, because he wasn't just Jaehwan's friend, now, was he? He was the leader of VIXX. It was his responsibility to do what was best for the group and protect it to the best of his abilities. Was starting a relationship within the group a smart move? Not in the slightest. And no matter how much Hakyeon wished Jaehwan would be happy, he couldn't approve of him risking the band's future like that.
”Jaehwan... You understand that you and Hongbin couldn't never... be a couple, right?”
The younger stared back at him blankly. His words hit hard; maybe Jaehwan had been expecting a softer reaction, especially since Hakyeon was so seldom brutal in his decisions and criticism, but Hakyeon found he needed to be clear about this.
Eventually Jaehwan nodded. ”I... Yeah. I guess.”
”Okay. So, regardless of whether or not Hongbin feels the same, you two can't do anything about it. If you don't want to risk falling for temptation, I would advice you to not tell him how you feel.”
”But-” Jaehwan tried, stuttering a little. Hakyeon felt sorry for him. He must really have been expecting a different answer. ”Isn't it better if I tell him? So that, I don't know, we can work out a clear plan on how to deal with each other?”
Hakyeon gave him a firm stare. ”Is that really the reason why you want to tell him?” Jaehwan opened his mouth, closed it, and looked away. Just as Hakyeon had thought. ”Jaehwan, having you two in a relationship in the group would be way too big of a risk. It'd be insane, I mean, can you imagine what would happen if someone found out?” The younger nodded slowly, biting down on the inside of his lip, probably to stop the flood of protests his heart was coughing up. ”I think your best bet is to try to find somebody else. I'm sorry.”
Jaehwan accepted what he told him but declared the conversation over not long afterwards. His heart had been broken, and it was truly a waste, because Hongbin did feel the same, Hakyeon was almost sure. But it was hardly the first time something like this had happened, they had all been forced to give up things in order to achieve their dreams. So when Hakyeon went to bed that night, he didn't agonize over it too much.
He managed to pretend like he didn't notice Jaehwan's hollow eyes fixed at the ceiling, numb, but very much awake.
He decided to put it out of his mind, but it became increasingly difficult with every touch he witnessed between the two, every innocent backhug and tender fingers through the other's hair. Jaehwan definitely didn't take his words to heart, Hakyeon realized, but he didn't get to focus on his anger towards Jaehwan for very long.
No more than two days after Jaehwan confessed his feelings to Hakyeon, Hongbin found him - well, Hongbin's text message found his phone.
They were in their van, on their way home after yet another day of hectic schedules. Wonshik, Taekwoon and Sanghyuk were all asleep with their heads leaned against the nearest object or person, leaving Hongbin awake alone in the back. Hakyeon was in the front seat, at a safe distance, when Hongbin sent him the first message.
Hongbin
hyung, i think i have to tell you something
Hakyeon rolled his blurry eyes to try and clear them.
Hakyeon
what is it?
Though, of couse, he didn't have to ask to know.
Hongbin
don't kill me, but i think i'm in love with jaehwan hyung.
Hongbin
please delete that last message when you've read it
It was almost funny to him, how synchronized their feelings were. Jaehwan was quicker at figuring his out, as he would, but they seemed to have reached a breaking point in their friendship where they couldn't ignore their feelings any longer.
He sighed, staring out the window into the dark. He was too tired for this. But he would give Hongbin the same advice as he had given Jaehwan and trust that he would listen. They must have been out of their minds if they thought they could be together either way, right? So it was okay. It wouldn't become a problem, even if Hakyeon couldn't deny that he was starting to get worried. VIXX was his first priority, yes, but he loved the members dearly, like his own family, and he didn't want to see any of them get hurt, no matter the reason.
It really was funny, though, how well-timed they were. And that they were both so clueless and overpowered by what they were feeling that they would come talk to Hakyeon about it.
Funny. Almost as if it was supposed to ha- Christ, Cha Hakyeon, shut the hell up.
”So what are you thinking?” Hakyeon asks after listening for the sounds of running water, making sure Taekwoon is still in the shower. ”What are you going to do?”
”I'm not thinking anything,” Jaehwan replies, exhausted. ”There's nothing I can do. Is there?”
Hakyeon considers it. He doesn't do that as much as he should, really, because it's terrifying to think about reasons why the members might someday, or today, want to leave the group. ”No,” he says softly. ”No, I don't think there is. And I know you don't agree, but it's for the best.”
Before he even realizes what's happening, Jaehwan has slid down the backrest, resting his head on Hakyeon's lap, and there are tears pouring out of the corners of his closed eyes. ”But why?” he chokes out. ”Why is it for the best?”
”You know why,” Hakyeon says calmly, pushing his fingers through Jaehwan's hair. ”Jaehwan, you know why.”
Jaehwan cries, hiccups and splutters, but he doesn't try to reply. There's nothing to say.
If he is to be honest, Hakyeon thought that the other boy's crush would have been long over by now. It's touching in a way, the way the other boy's heart seems to have latched on to Hongbin and refused to accept a reality where they can't be together.
Almost as if it's meant to-... Hakyeon might vomit if he goes down that line again, so he doesn't.
Things remained calm for a while, and Hakyeon started thinking that maybe things were working out. Maybe Hongbin and Jaehwan could be happy as abnormally close friends after all, and nothing more than that.
Until, of course, their On & On promotions started. They were given a song named I don't want to be an idol, which seemed to contain every single word Jaehwan and Hongbin had wanted to say, yet never did. If Jaehwan's mood is dark where they're sitting right now on the couch, it is nothing compared to what it was on the day they recorded I don't want to be an idol.
Neither Jaehwan nor Hongbin came to find him that day, but the three of them and Taekwoon still slept in the same room at the time. Jaehwan and Hongbin slept on opposite ends, and the quiet, guilty atmosphere in the room kept Hakyeon awake long enough to hear both of their muffled cries into their pillows that night.
It was a morning not long after that that Hakyeon got up to notice the bottomlessly empty expression on Hongbin's face, and a complimentary blank, tense one on Jaehwan's. The four of them minus Hongbin were sprawled out on the floor, playing some pointless and, most likely, made up game. Hongbin on the other hand was watching them from the couch, and he wasn't playing along, laughing or making comments the way he usually did, so Hakyeon walked over to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said: ”Help me out in the kitchen, would you?”
Hongbin followed him there, looking almost relieved to have a reason to run away from the rest of them, and they closed the door to the kitchen behind them, just like Hakyeon and Jaehwan had done that one day months earlier.
”What's up?” Hongbin asked. He almost managed to make it seem like nothing was wrong.
”That's what I was wondering,” Hakyeon began, and that was all it took for Hongbin to bury his face in hands. ”Hongbin? What's wrong?” Hakyeon said, worried, as he moved coser to the younger, putting his hands on Hongbin's elbows.
”I did something stupid,” Hongbin choked out. ”Something really, really stupid.”
Hakyeon tensed. ”What did you do?”
”I kissed him.” He lowered his hands, and his face was so endlessly full of shame and regret that it seemed not even tears could take its place. ”I kissed him... I know what you said, but I couldn't help it, I just...” He gestured aimlessly with his hands before letting them hit his thighs with a loud smack.
”Hongbin,” Hakyeon gasped, disbelieving. This wasn't supposed to happen, out of all things, anything but this. ”What happened?”
”He pushed me away. Then he asked... what I was expecting when I did that. He said 'what did you think was going to happen?'.”
”What did you think was going to happen?” Hakyeon asked.
Hongbin shrugged. He looked so tired, almost sick, even, like he was close to throwing up. ”I don't know- that he'd kiss me back and everything would be fine.” He shook his head. ”And there was a moment, before he pushed me away, when he put his hands on my waist. I felt it, I swear that I felt it, and why would he do that if doesn't have feelings for me too?” His eyes lit up. Hakyeon still remembers the dread he felt at the sight of it, and how misplaced it felt to be horrified at someone else's happiness - especially someone he loved so much.
”Did he say he doesn't have feelings for you?”
Hongbin froze then, as Hakyeon forced him to remember the one detail, the one moment of his life that he would most want to forget. ”I... I asked, and... yeah, he said no.” Hakyeon sighed in relief, but at the same time his heart hurt. Jaehwan was, and is, so strong. ”But did he really mean that? Isn't he just saying it because it would be difficult for us to be together?”
”I'm sorry, Hongbin, but I don't think so,” Hakyeon lied. He was getting rather used to it by now. Hongbin looked as though his star had been shot from the sky. ”And regardless of why he said it,” he hurried on, ”you know you two can't be together. It's for the best.”
”But why?” Hongbin questioned, sounding defiant and obstinate, like a child. ”Why can't we?”
Hakyeon raised an eyebrow at him. ”It's too risky.”
”It doesn't have to be like that,” Hongbin argued.
Hakyeon felt himself flare up. ”It would be,” he said simply.
Hongbin stared at him with his brow furrowed. ”Why are you being so heartless about this?” he asked, with an expression that said the words left scars on his tongue. ”Don't you have any compassion?”
”Look, this conversation is pointless,” Hakyeon said, trying his best to change the subject. ”It doesn't matter whether or not you think you and Jaehwan could be together, because he said he doesn't have feelings for you.” Hongbin stared at Hakyeon's knees. ”Am I right or am I wrong?”
”You're right,” he replied reluctantly. ”But I still... I don't know if I can believe it.”
”I know it's hard,” Hakyeon said, another complete lie, because he didn't have a slightest idea of how hard it must have been, ”but Jaehwan said no, and you have to accept that.”
Endless emptiness made Hongbin look several years older. ”How?” he asked quietly. ”How do I accept that?”
Hakyeon scratched his head. ”Well, the fastest way to get over someone is to start dating someone else.”
Hongbin gave him a look that was almost disgusted. ”Another way, please.”
Hakyeon wrapped an arm around his shoulders. ”Endure it, Hongbin-ah. That's the only way. But the two of you need to talk things out, okay? You're still on the same team. Just don't... Don't try to convince him to be more than friends.”
”Hyung,” Hongbin said then, staring at him suspiciously. ”You're not uncomfortable with us, are you? That's not why you're saying all of this?”
”Hongbin, no,” Hakyeon denied firmly. And it was true. If it was up to Hakyeon, he would see Hongbin and Jaehwan together when VIXX was over, if that was what they really wanted. Nothing would have made him happier, especially after seeing them both struggle with their feelings so much, but... He couldn't tell them that. He couldn't say ”someday, maybe,” because what if they wanted that someday to be now all too quickly? What then? ”It's not about that. Please believe me when I say that.”
Hongbin seemed to trust him enough to take his word for it, but Hakyeon was really starting to get worried now. While Jaehwan seemed to agree with Hakyeon's mindset, that them being together would be much too dangerous, Hongbin didn't seem to share that view at all. And love is tricky business, Hakyeon knew that much; very unreliable and manipulative. So what could he do?
”Don't cry, Jaehwan,” Hakyeon soothes, feeling like a sinner where he sits, Jaehwan's tears still wetting his pant leg. ”Don't cry.”
”When I start, it's like I can't stop,” the younger stutters. ”This is why I didn't want to talk about this, hyung.”
Hakyeon exhales heavily. ”I know.”
Jaehwan breathes shakily for a moment, but then his face contorts in pain again and he rolls over on his side. ”I just, I can't take watching him play with his phone and always wonder if he's texting her.”
Hakyeon swallows, but keeps quiet.
”I had him, you know?” Jaehwan cries, his nails pressing into the side of Hakyeon's thigh. ”He kissed me, and I pushed him away, and now...”
”Would you have done it any differently if it was today?”
Jaehwan cries softly for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. ”I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I miss him so much.”
”He's right here,” Hakyeon reminds him. ”Every day, he's right here.”
”Sure, he's here, but he's with her,” Jaehwan replies with a thick voice. ”He's with her, so he's not really here, either.”
Hakyeon reaches around to wipe some of the other's tears. ”Jaehwan, Hongbin has moved on,” he says, as softly as he can muster. ”It would be better for you if you tried to do the same.”
He holds his breath as he waits for Jaehwan's reaction. The other's sobs let up, reduced to sudden sharp intakes of air as his body still convulses with tears. ”It doesn't matter if I try,” he says quietly. ”I can't.”
Hakyeon's worries were put to rest a few weeks later, when Hongbin, who had been acting a lot less like his normal playful self, informed them all that he had found himself a girlfriend.
Well - he corrected himself - they weren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but they were dating, which, in Hongbin's world, was more or less the same thing. He told them this over dinner at the dorm, and was met with loud cheers and jealous pouting. Hakyeon made a point of not looking in Jaehwan's direction too much, but decided that the sight of his tired eyes widening in shock was enough to break his heart for one evening. He would comfort him later if that was needed, and one day, Jaehwan would see that this was all for the best.
He was relieved until Hongbin insisted Hakyeon would accompany him to buy groceries, sometime during their GR8U promotions. He saw in the other's eyes immediately that something was wrong, and he wished he could say no, forget the whole thing and stay home, but of course, as a leader, there was no way he could. So, he let Hongbin drag him along, and once they were alone, the younger's mask, that had been strictly happy for two months, faded away.
”Don't you like her?” Hakyeon asked, and prayed to every god that was listening that the answer was yes.
”Of course I like her,” Hongbin replied, and Hakyeon's internal organs fell back into place. ”She's funny, pretty, intelligent... And since she's an idol, too, she's very understanding of me.”
”So that's good then. Isn't it?”
”Yeah,” Hongbin agrees. ”It's just...” Hakyeon was glad they were out walking, not looking at each other. It meant neither of them had to try too hard to hide their worried expressions from each other. ”I keep thinking of him, hyung. I don't know why, but I can't stop, even when I'm with her, I keep missing him.”
Hakyeon hummed. ”It takes a while to get over someone.”
”But we've been together for a long time now, and I thought... I thought it would become easier.”
”It's only been two months, Hongbin, it's hardly decades in relationship time,” Hakyeon said, laughing a little.
Hongbin snorted. ”No, but it's enough to know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone, wouldn't you say?”
Hakyeon hesitated. ”You said you liked her.”
”I do like her, hyung, it's not about that. It just isn't the same.”
”Give it some time, Hongbin,” Hakyeon said impatiently. He didn't like talking about the whole thing anymore, it made him feel like someone else, like much worse of a person than he really was. ”Give her a chance to take over your heart. And one day, you'll look back on all of this and thank your lucky star that you didn't go down that road.”
”So you keep saying,” Hongbin said, shaking his head and looking up at the starlit sky above them. ”But when I think of the future, all I see is myself regretting that I never went after what I truly wanted.”
”There's nothing to go after,” Hakyeon said, and his voice became firmer with every time he had to remind the other boy of this. ”He doesn't feel that way about you, remember?”
Hongbin never replied, and they walked the rest of the way in silence. Maybe Hongbin never really believed Jaehwan's words when he said he didn't feel the same about Hongbin, and maybe the reason was because the younger knew him much too well, could see his heart much too easily to believe in such a blatant lie.
But the last thing Hongbin wanted was to disrespect Jaehwan, or to make him feel pressured. And that, at the end of the day, was what stopped them from putting the group's reputation on the line.
”It'll get better, Jaehwanie,” Hakyeon tries. ”Nothing remains the same forever. Everything changes, and so will your feelings for him.”
Jaehwan has stopped crying, but he still remains with his head in Hakyeon's lap. Taekwoon still isn't out of the shower, and they're both starting to become impatient, the tiredness tugging at their eyelids harsher with every minute that passes. ”Maybe,” the younger replies, sounding far from convinced. ”But if it will, I just wish it would happen now.”
”Change is gradual, you know,” Hakyeon says, patting Jaehwan's neck. ”It may have already started. And, you know, with us being around each other so much, discovering every single annoying little habit in each other...” He laughs a little, shaking his head. ”I don't even understand how you fell for him in the first place.”
Jaehwan looks up at him curiously, and they eye each other's faces upside-down. ”And here I thought that was what love is,” Jaehwan says slowly. ”Knowing everything about each other, both the positives and the negatives, and still loving... whatever that mix becomes. So even though I know that Hongbin doesn't think before he speaks a lot of the time, and then thinks a lot about it later, and even though I know that sometimes he takes his jokes too far... I still love those parts of him, too.”
The unfairness of it all hits Hakyeon like a hammer in the chest. He doesn't allow himself to feel it, normally, too occupied with convincing himself that every aspect of their love would be 100% wrong and out of the question. But never before has he seen two people love each other so selflessly as Hongbin and Jaehwan, and yet they are the ones who are forced to live apart, believing that the other doesn't feel the same.
Maybe it would all change if they had a chance at a relationship. Maybe they would fuck it up, regardless of how much they love each other. That's what people in love normally do, right? Most relationships end in separation rather than until-death-does-us-part. But hell, Hakyeon thinks, he wishes they would at least get the chance to try.
He's so deep in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the sound of the shower stopping. He doesn't wake up from his daze until the door to their room opens and Hongbin walks out, dressed in his pajamas and his hair ruffled in every possible direction. Jaehwan bolts upright, hurrying to wipe the tears that still remain on his cheeks.
”Oh, I'm sorry,” Hongbin says, sensing he has just interrupted something. ”I just heard the shower turn off so I thought... I'd use... the bathroom...” he trails off, seeing the traces of wetness on Jaehwan's face. ”Hyung, are you okay?”
”Just tired,” Jaehwan says curtly. ”That's all.”
”Oh.” Hongbin looks between them both, apparently having forgotten about his need to use the bathroom. ”You sure? Is there anything I can do?”
Hakyeon stares. Yes, he sees them make eyes at each other almost every day when they think the other can't see, it's practically part of his daily routine by now. But it's fascinating to him; sacred, almost, most of the time. But tonight it is simply painful, as if Jaehwan has possessed him and he gets to share part of the heartache that lies between the two of them, all the time, every day.
Jaehwan doesn't reply, and then Taekwoon walks out of the shower, wearing his same old sweatpants and shaking his hair dry with a towel. Maybe, Hakyeon thinks, maybe Jaehwan is strong enough to pretend like he doesn't want Hongbin with every cell of his being in the light of day, and maybe he hides well in the darkness after the sun has gone down, but right now he doesn't seem to have the strength to lie.
”I have to shower,” he says simply, getting up and walking away, almost bumping into Taekwoon as he does so.
Hongbin stares after him, not bothering to hide how much he wishes he could stop him, pull him back and force him to tell the truth. Is he okay? he mouths in Hakyeon's direction.
And Hakyeon sighs in reply. ”Yeah. He's fine. Just tired.”
It's the first time that Hakyeon truly questions whether or not they're doing the right thing by strangling something that is so powerful, so natural and so undeniable. But as he watches Hongbin shuffle back into his room, no doubt getting ready for another night awake, he remembers yet again what could happen to the group if they were to be caught. And that's it, truly, the one thing they all have in common: The group, the love they share for it, and their dream of succeeding. The one thing they can never lose.
And it's terrible, awful, but maybe these two will keep on loving each other until the end of VIXX and longer. Maybe it's a force that can't be stopped. It certainly does seem that way to Hakyeon, when he finally gets into bed, remembering Hongbin's worried eyes and wondering what it must be like to love someone so much that it's enough to make you cry just thinking about it. Perhaps it's better for him that he doesn't know.
But the saddest thing about Hongbin and Jaehwan is, simply, that it's all so well thought out. From their first meeting until now, they've always matched their steps, even though they've tried to push each other away and Hakyeon has tried to come between them.
It's all so synchronized. As if it was meant to happen. Only in a different time, a different place - another world.
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance, non-AU, songfic: VIXX - 대답은 너니까
Summary: A certain song tears open old wounds in Jaehwan's heart, if they ever truly closed to begin with.
Wordcount: 6,427
The more she smiles, the sadder I get
As time goes by, the more I feel like a sinner
At this rate, I think I'll end up alone again today
The more we talk, the lonelier I get, and I'm in danger again
You repeat in every word I say
My grudge-like love story is you
What do I love?
What do I care about the most?
I really hope she doesn't ask me
Because my answer is you
It's a late night after a day spent in practice rooms and the recording studio, but after his shower, Hakyeon waits up for Jaehwan and Taekwoon to return to the dorm. The two main vocals are kept longer in the studio than the rest of them, unsurprisingly, as they have more vocal parts to record.
Hakyeon doesn't stay up because he's worried for them, oh no. He values his few hours of sleep every night much too dearly for that to be the case. No, he waits up because he saw the look in Jaehwan's eyes right before he left, the one he has gotten so used to over the years, and he doubts the younger will ease his mind by bringing it up with Taekwoon. Or anyone else, for that matter. So, Hakyeon concludes - Jaehwan needs him right now.
Jaehwan and Taekwoon come home when the others, barred Hakyeon, are fast asleep. The older of the two pats the other on the shoulder and mumbles a soft: ”I'll shower first,”, hurrying into the bathroom and leaving Jaehwan to wait his turn next to Hakyeon on the living room couch.
He downs almost half a bottle of water as he sits down, giving the older a few questioning looks. ”Why are you still up?” he asks, screwing the bottle cap back on and placing it on the floor. ”It's late.”
”I just wanted to make sure you guys made it back alright,” Hakyeon lies, trying to sound bright.
Jaehwan nods, and the heaviness that encompasses him is tangible. He probably assumes he can pass it off as tiredness, Hakyeon thinks, with how he shies away from opening his mouth at all, but Hakyeon knows that isn't the case. He imagines Jaehwan's heart as a blister, one that hurts to touch, but constantly there, reminding him of his pain.
Jaehwan slumps back against the couch, closing his eyes. If they didn't have to be up so damn early in the morning, what with preparations for their first full album, overseas showcases and their next comeback in full swing at the same time, Hakyeon thinks Jaehwan would just say fuck it and go to sleep, but not tonight. Perhaps he won't be able to get any rest even if he tries, and perhaps he already knows this.
”It's hard for you, isn't it?” Hakyeon says quietly. Jaehwan cracks an eye open to look at him. ”Singing this song.”
”No,” Jaehwan replies, brow furrowing. ”I mean, sure, the chorus part is a little technically tricky, but I managed. It's fine.”
Hakyeon gives him a reprimanding stare. Oh, this guy and his acting skills. ”I know you can sing it perfectly, I'm not questioning that. I just meant because of the lyrics.”
Jaehwan's head falls back at the words he already knew were coming. ”Please, don't. Not this. Not now.”
”Why not?”
”Because I don't want to talk about it.” Jaehwan covers his face with his hand. ”I've done nothing but obsess over the whole thing all day, all night, hell, all fucking week, so please... don't.”
Hakyeon pulls the other's hand away from his face, but Jaehwan doesn't open his eyes. He's just barely holding himself together, Hakyeon knows this, and he feels bad, but he won't stop. ”I thought you might need someone to talk to about it, since you've been keeping it all to yourself.”
”No,” Jaehwan groans. Another lie. ”There's a reason for that, you know.”
”Jaehwan, tell me,” Hakyeon says, deciding to skip right past the usual cat and mouse chase. ”Is it still bad?”
Jaehwan sighs heavily. ”Why do you insist on-” he begins, but stops himself, seemingly realizing that Hakyeon is not the cause of all this. Hakyeon is not the one he is angry with. So instead, he stares mindlessly at the ceiling, eyes reddened and tired. ”I think it's worse than ever.”
The first time Jaehwan met Hongbin, Hakyeon was there. Jaehwan was new at Jellyfish; he became a trainee only four months before VIXX's debut. Their rep gave him a quick introduction to the others, and during their first practice together, Hakyeon noticed how Hongbin kept giving him wide-eyed stares, seeming almost a little taken aback by the other's presence.
Jaehwan was a good laugh from the moment he stepped into their practice room, but he also worked very hard, so Hakyeon assumed Hongbin's glares might have something to do with jealousy or intimidation. He asked him about it when they sat down together during a break.
”What's with you?” He elbowed Hongbin in the side when he noticed him staring, yet again, at Jaehwan, who was stretching in front of the mirror on the other side of the room.
”Uh,” Hongbin said, tearing his gaze away to focus on Hakyeon. ”What?”
”You keep staring at the new kid.”
Hongbin's eyes widened again, and he looked over towards Jaehwan, leaning closer to Hakyeon to whisper: ”I've seen him before. He sang at my school this one time. That's what made me decide to become a singer.”
Hakyeon blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected that. Hongbin wasn't threatened, he was starstruck... by some skinny guy with a large nose and abnormally curly hair. Hm. ”Really? Are you sure?” He had heard the story about the mysterious singer at Hongbin's school before, and to be honest, he was expecting someone a little more... idolly.
”Very sure,” Hongbin nodded.
”So aren't you going to talk to him?”
Hongbin finally looked away. ”I don't dare. It's too weird.”
Hakyeon raised an eyebrow at him. He didn't understand - and, well, to be honest, he still kind of doesn't - so he made a noise of disbelief before calling out to Jaehwan. ”Hey, new kid! Jaehwan!”
Hongbin paled, grabbing onto Hakyeon's arm with surprising, and kind of painful, strength. ”Hyung, hyung hyung hyung hyung-”
Jaehwan turned to look at them, and Hongbin stilled instantly. ”Yes, hyung?”
”Come here for a sec.” Hongbin looked up at him through big, pleading eyes, but Hakyeon simply waved his hand at him. It was ridiculous; how could Hongbin feel so awestruck by such an average guy?
Jaehwan sat down in front of them on the floor and curled his legs beneath him. ”Hi,” he said shifting his gaze between Hakyeon and Hongbin, who felt his ears start to heat up.
”Hey,” Hakyeon replied. ”This is Hongbin, I don't think you two have met properly. Hongbin, this is Jaehwan.”
Jaehwan held up a hand in an almost-wave. ”Hey.”
”Hi,” Hongbin mustered, voice tiny and mouse-like. Hakyeon stared at him, bemused, but decided to ignore him for now.
”Hongbin says he's seen you perform at his school,” he continued. ”Says you were so good it made him decide to audition for this company.”
Jaehwan's mouth fell open slightly in awe. ”Really?” he said, eyes lighting up with excitement and pride. It was adorable, Hakyeon would have to admit, but not as adorable as Hongbin seemed to find it; his cheeks were starting to redden now, too. ”That's so cool!”
Hongbin simply nodded, and Hakyeon nudged him with his elbow again, urging him to actually make words. Honestly, it was a little funny to see Hongbin like this. ”Y-you guys were really good,” Hongbin says when he finds his tongue. ”Obviously.”
”Hey, thanks,” Jaehwan said, leaning over to catch the younger's hand in an awkward high five before he bumped their shoulders together. If Hongbin had ever produced a sound that could be described as a giggle, Hakyeon thought, it was right then. ”What are the odds that we'd end up in the same company, huh?” Jaehwan continued, grinning from ear to ear. ”Maybe even the same group!”
Hakyeon has gone back to those words many times since then, too many to count. Yes, what were the odds that they would end up in the same company? Or in the same group?
Almost like it was meant to happen.
”Worse than ever?” Hakyeon repeats, a sinking feeling in his stomach. ”What do you mean?”
He wonders if maybe there are tears in Jaehwan's eyes now, too. It's hard to tell in the dimly lit living room. ”I mean that with every day, it seems less and less likely that I'll ever get over... this.”
The conversations he has with Jaehwan on this subject are some of the most difficult he's ever had in his life. He doesn't know love like this. He doesn't understand how it works, how it feels or how to face it.
”Every moment I spend thinking of him adds to the time I've spent... wanting him, and the more time passes, the more impossible it seems to close my heart on all of this.”
Hakyeon doesn't miss how Jaehwan avoids using the word love. It's been years, of course he loves him, who is he trying to fool? But he won't push Jaehwan too much. He doesn't deserve that. ”I guess it has to be like that for a while, you know? It doesn't mean you won't get over it.” Jaehwan looks unimpressed, and Hakyeon braces himself, tries again. ”Some people fall out of love even after ten years together. You'll move on eventually, Jaehwan.”
Jaehwan closes his eyes. ”With him around me every day, I don't see how that's possible.”
Near the end of their Rock Ur Body promotions, Jaehwan came to him on a late night, much like the one they're in the midst of right now. They'd had a rare day's rest after months of non-stop work since their debut; Hakyeon's head felt muddled just thinking about it. But when the members started getting ready for bed and Jaehwan came to him with a hushed: ”Hyung, I really need to talk to you,” which was a rarity in itself, Hakyeon decided that sleep could wait.
They fled to the privacy of their empty kitchen, closing the door firmly after making sure the other members were in bed.
”What's up?” Hakyeon asked, genuinely curious. Jaehwan was, and still is, the type to do everything he can to cheer everyone else up, but keep his problems to himself.
Jaehwan leaned against the door. ”I have feelings for Hongbin,” he said quietly, without hesitation, the words hitting Hakyeon like a hurricane. ”I have since practically the first time we met. It's starting to become too much for me to handle, and... I don't know what to do.”
Hakyeon said nothing for a while, too shocked to speak. All he could do was stare at the other boy, images of him and Hongbin whirling through his head; the two of them laughing together, playing together, being silly, clinging onto each other as often as they got the chance, and above all, Hakyeon felt dumb for not having realized it on his own.
Jaehwan grew tired of the silence after a while. ”I hope it doesn't change anything,” he said, cautiously glancing up from the floor to see his hyung's expression.
”You... You like Hongbin?”
Jaehwan nodded. His features were tired, like he didn't have the energy to even worry about Hakyeon's reaction anymore.
”Jaehwan, are you sure about this?”
”More sure than I have ever been of anything in my life.”
Suddenly feeling like he needed to sit down, Hakyeon pulled himself up on the kitchen counter, making sure to avoid slamming his head against the cabinets above. The thoughts hurried through his head too fast for him to be able to make sense of any of them, but one was present above all: this is bad.
”Does he know?” he asked eventually.
Jaehwan shook his head. ”Not as far as I know. I haven't told him.”
Okay. Well, given the circumstances, that was probably a good thing, right?
”So... What did you mean when you said it was starting to become too much for you to handle?”
Jaehwan sighed. ”I've been holding it in for so long, denying it to myself, but... Now it's like, whenever he's around I have to force myself not to... You know.”
”Uhm.” Hakyeon tried to process the words, but it was proving very difficult.
Jaehwan gave him a quick look, seemingly understanding that Hakyeon didn't necessarily want to hear any details. ”I don't know if it's because we've been a little less busy recently so that I've actually had time to think about what I'm feeling, but... I really don't know what to do.” He paused, glancing up at Hakyeon through anxious eyes. ”What do I do, hyung?”
Suddenly there were many things Hakyeon wanted to say. He wasn't homophobic, really - he hadn't spent that much time considering it, but he had been loved enough in his life know that no love is bad or wrong. It was a little peculiar, perhaps, but not just because Hongbin and Jaehwan were both men - they were both in the same group, in each other's pockets day in and day out, seeing every side of each other, the good and the bad.
Firstly, as Jaehwan's friend, his best advice would be to tell Hongbin how he felt, because if the look in Jaehwan's eyes whenever they were together was love, then what shone through Hongbin's was definitely love, as well.
But he stopped himself from saying any of those things, because he wasn't just Jaehwan's friend, now, was he? He was the leader of VIXX. It was his responsibility to do what was best for the group and protect it to the best of his abilities. Was starting a relationship within the group a smart move? Not in the slightest. And no matter how much Hakyeon wished Jaehwan would be happy, he couldn't approve of him risking the band's future like that.
”Jaehwan... You understand that you and Hongbin couldn't never... be a couple, right?”
The younger stared back at him blankly. His words hit hard; maybe Jaehwan had been expecting a softer reaction, especially since Hakyeon was so seldom brutal in his decisions and criticism, but Hakyeon found he needed to be clear about this.
Eventually Jaehwan nodded. ”I... Yeah. I guess.”
”Okay. So, regardless of whether or not Hongbin feels the same, you two can't do anything about it. If you don't want to risk falling for temptation, I would advice you to not tell him how you feel.”
”But-” Jaehwan tried, stuttering a little. Hakyeon felt sorry for him. He must really have been expecting a different answer. ”Isn't it better if I tell him? So that, I don't know, we can work out a clear plan on how to deal with each other?”
Hakyeon gave him a firm stare. ”Is that really the reason why you want to tell him?” Jaehwan opened his mouth, closed it, and looked away. Just as Hakyeon had thought. ”Jaehwan, having you two in a relationship in the group would be way too big of a risk. It'd be insane, I mean, can you imagine what would happen if someone found out?” The younger nodded slowly, biting down on the inside of his lip, probably to stop the flood of protests his heart was coughing up. ”I think your best bet is to try to find somebody else. I'm sorry.”
Jaehwan accepted what he told him but declared the conversation over not long afterwards. His heart had been broken, and it was truly a waste, because Hongbin did feel the same, Hakyeon was almost sure. But it was hardly the first time something like this had happened, they had all been forced to give up things in order to achieve their dreams. So when Hakyeon went to bed that night, he didn't agonize over it too much.
He managed to pretend like he didn't notice Jaehwan's hollow eyes fixed at the ceiling, numb, but very much awake.
He decided to put it out of his mind, but it became increasingly difficult with every touch he witnessed between the two, every innocent backhug and tender fingers through the other's hair. Jaehwan definitely didn't take his words to heart, Hakyeon realized, but he didn't get to focus on his anger towards Jaehwan for very long.
No more than two days after Jaehwan confessed his feelings to Hakyeon, Hongbin found him - well, Hongbin's text message found his phone.
They were in their van, on their way home after yet another day of hectic schedules. Wonshik, Taekwoon and Sanghyuk were all asleep with their heads leaned against the nearest object or person, leaving Hongbin awake alone in the back. Hakyeon was in the front seat, at a safe distance, when Hongbin sent him the first message.
Hongbin
hyung, i think i have to tell you something
Hakyeon rolled his blurry eyes to try and clear them.
Hakyeon
what is it?
Though, of couse, he didn't have to ask to know.
Hongbin
don't kill me, but i think i'm in love with jaehwan hyung.
Hongbin
please delete that last message when you've read it
It was almost funny to him, how synchronized their feelings were. Jaehwan was quicker at figuring his out, as he would, but they seemed to have reached a breaking point in their friendship where they couldn't ignore their feelings any longer.
He sighed, staring out the window into the dark. He was too tired for this. But he would give Hongbin the same advice as he had given Jaehwan and trust that he would listen. They must have been out of their minds if they thought they could be together either way, right? So it was okay. It wouldn't become a problem, even if Hakyeon couldn't deny that he was starting to get worried. VIXX was his first priority, yes, but he loved the members dearly, like his own family, and he didn't want to see any of them get hurt, no matter the reason.
It really was funny, though, how well-timed they were. And that they were both so clueless and overpowered by what they were feeling that they would come talk to Hakyeon about it.
Funny. Almost as if it was supposed to ha- Christ, Cha Hakyeon, shut the hell up.
”So what are you thinking?” Hakyeon asks after listening for the sounds of running water, making sure Taekwoon is still in the shower. ”What are you going to do?”
”I'm not thinking anything,” Jaehwan replies, exhausted. ”There's nothing I can do. Is there?”
Hakyeon considers it. He doesn't do that as much as he should, really, because it's terrifying to think about reasons why the members might someday, or today, want to leave the group. ”No,” he says softly. ”No, I don't think there is. And I know you don't agree, but it's for the best.”
Before he even realizes what's happening, Jaehwan has slid down the backrest, resting his head on Hakyeon's lap, and there are tears pouring out of the corners of his closed eyes. ”But why?” he chokes out. ”Why is it for the best?”
”You know why,” Hakyeon says calmly, pushing his fingers through Jaehwan's hair. ”Jaehwan, you know why.”
Jaehwan cries, hiccups and splutters, but he doesn't try to reply. There's nothing to say.
If he is to be honest, Hakyeon thought that the other boy's crush would have been long over by now. It's touching in a way, the way the other boy's heart seems to have latched on to Hongbin and refused to accept a reality where they can't be together.
Almost as if it's meant to-... Hakyeon might vomit if he goes down that line again, so he doesn't.
Things remained calm for a while, and Hakyeon started thinking that maybe things were working out. Maybe Hongbin and Jaehwan could be happy as abnormally close friends after all, and nothing more than that.
Until, of course, their On & On promotions started. They were given a song named I don't want to be an idol, which seemed to contain every single word Jaehwan and Hongbin had wanted to say, yet never did. If Jaehwan's mood is dark where they're sitting right now on the couch, it is nothing compared to what it was on the day they recorded I don't want to be an idol.
Neither Jaehwan nor Hongbin came to find him that day, but the three of them and Taekwoon still slept in the same room at the time. Jaehwan and Hongbin slept on opposite ends, and the quiet, guilty atmosphere in the room kept Hakyeon awake long enough to hear both of their muffled cries into their pillows that night.
It was a morning not long after that that Hakyeon got up to notice the bottomlessly empty expression on Hongbin's face, and a complimentary blank, tense one on Jaehwan's. The four of them minus Hongbin were sprawled out on the floor, playing some pointless and, most likely, made up game. Hongbin on the other hand was watching them from the couch, and he wasn't playing along, laughing or making comments the way he usually did, so Hakyeon walked over to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said: ”Help me out in the kitchen, would you?”
Hongbin followed him there, looking almost relieved to have a reason to run away from the rest of them, and they closed the door to the kitchen behind them, just like Hakyeon and Jaehwan had done that one day months earlier.
”What's up?” Hongbin asked. He almost managed to make it seem like nothing was wrong.
”That's what I was wondering,” Hakyeon began, and that was all it took for Hongbin to bury his face in hands. ”Hongbin? What's wrong?” Hakyeon said, worried, as he moved coser to the younger, putting his hands on Hongbin's elbows.
”I did something stupid,” Hongbin choked out. ”Something really, really stupid.”
Hakyeon tensed. ”What did you do?”
”I kissed him.” He lowered his hands, and his face was so endlessly full of shame and regret that it seemed not even tears could take its place. ”I kissed him... I know what you said, but I couldn't help it, I just...” He gestured aimlessly with his hands before letting them hit his thighs with a loud smack.
”Hongbin,” Hakyeon gasped, disbelieving. This wasn't supposed to happen, out of all things, anything but this. ”What happened?”
”He pushed me away. Then he asked... what I was expecting when I did that. He said 'what did you think was going to happen?'.”
”What did you think was going to happen?” Hakyeon asked.
Hongbin shrugged. He looked so tired, almost sick, even, like he was close to throwing up. ”I don't know- that he'd kiss me back and everything would be fine.” He shook his head. ”And there was a moment, before he pushed me away, when he put his hands on my waist. I felt it, I swear that I felt it, and why would he do that if doesn't have feelings for me too?” His eyes lit up. Hakyeon still remembers the dread he felt at the sight of it, and how misplaced it felt to be horrified at someone else's happiness - especially someone he loved so much.
”Did he say he doesn't have feelings for you?”
Hongbin froze then, as Hakyeon forced him to remember the one detail, the one moment of his life that he would most want to forget. ”I... I asked, and... yeah, he said no.” Hakyeon sighed in relief, but at the same time his heart hurt. Jaehwan was, and is, so strong. ”But did he really mean that? Isn't he just saying it because it would be difficult for us to be together?”
”I'm sorry, Hongbin, but I don't think so,” Hakyeon lied. He was getting rather used to it by now. Hongbin looked as though his star had been shot from the sky. ”And regardless of why he said it,” he hurried on, ”you know you two can't be together. It's for the best.”
”But why?” Hongbin questioned, sounding defiant and obstinate, like a child. ”Why can't we?”
Hakyeon raised an eyebrow at him. ”It's too risky.”
”It doesn't have to be like that,” Hongbin argued.
Hakyeon felt himself flare up. ”It would be,” he said simply.
Hongbin stared at him with his brow furrowed. ”Why are you being so heartless about this?” he asked, with an expression that said the words left scars on his tongue. ”Don't you have any compassion?”
”Look, this conversation is pointless,” Hakyeon said, trying his best to change the subject. ”It doesn't matter whether or not you think you and Jaehwan could be together, because he said he doesn't have feelings for you.” Hongbin stared at Hakyeon's knees. ”Am I right or am I wrong?”
”You're right,” he replied reluctantly. ”But I still... I don't know if I can believe it.”
”I know it's hard,” Hakyeon said, another complete lie, because he didn't have a slightest idea of how hard it must have been, ”but Jaehwan said no, and you have to accept that.”
Endless emptiness made Hongbin look several years older. ”How?” he asked quietly. ”How do I accept that?”
Hakyeon scratched his head. ”Well, the fastest way to get over someone is to start dating someone else.”
Hongbin gave him a look that was almost disgusted. ”Another way, please.”
Hakyeon wrapped an arm around his shoulders. ”Endure it, Hongbin-ah. That's the only way. But the two of you need to talk things out, okay? You're still on the same team. Just don't... Don't try to convince him to be more than friends.”
”Hyung,” Hongbin said then, staring at him suspiciously. ”You're not uncomfortable with us, are you? That's not why you're saying all of this?”
”Hongbin, no,” Hakyeon denied firmly. And it was true. If it was up to Hakyeon, he would see Hongbin and Jaehwan together when VIXX was over, if that was what they really wanted. Nothing would have made him happier, especially after seeing them both struggle with their feelings so much, but... He couldn't tell them that. He couldn't say ”someday, maybe,” because what if they wanted that someday to be now all too quickly? What then? ”It's not about that. Please believe me when I say that.”
Hongbin seemed to trust him enough to take his word for it, but Hakyeon was really starting to get worried now. While Jaehwan seemed to agree with Hakyeon's mindset, that them being together would be much too dangerous, Hongbin didn't seem to share that view at all. And love is tricky business, Hakyeon knew that much; very unreliable and manipulative. So what could he do?
”Don't cry, Jaehwan,” Hakyeon soothes, feeling like a sinner where he sits, Jaehwan's tears still wetting his pant leg. ”Don't cry.”
”When I start, it's like I can't stop,” the younger stutters. ”This is why I didn't want to talk about this, hyung.”
Hakyeon exhales heavily. ”I know.”
Jaehwan breathes shakily for a moment, but then his face contorts in pain again and he rolls over on his side. ”I just, I can't take watching him play with his phone and always wonder if he's texting her.”
Hakyeon swallows, but keeps quiet.
”I had him, you know?” Jaehwan cries, his nails pressing into the side of Hakyeon's thigh. ”He kissed me, and I pushed him away, and now...”
”Would you have done it any differently if it was today?”
Jaehwan cries softly for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. ”I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I miss him so much.”
”He's right here,” Hakyeon reminds him. ”Every day, he's right here.”
”Sure, he's here, but he's with her,” Jaehwan replies with a thick voice. ”He's with her, so he's not really here, either.”
Hakyeon reaches around to wipe some of the other's tears. ”Jaehwan, Hongbin has moved on,” he says, as softly as he can muster. ”It would be better for you if you tried to do the same.”
He holds his breath as he waits for Jaehwan's reaction. The other's sobs let up, reduced to sudden sharp intakes of air as his body still convulses with tears. ”It doesn't matter if I try,” he says quietly. ”I can't.”
Hakyeon's worries were put to rest a few weeks later, when Hongbin, who had been acting a lot less like his normal playful self, informed them all that he had found himself a girlfriend.
Well - he corrected himself - they weren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but they were dating, which, in Hongbin's world, was more or less the same thing. He told them this over dinner at the dorm, and was met with loud cheers and jealous pouting. Hakyeon made a point of not looking in Jaehwan's direction too much, but decided that the sight of his tired eyes widening in shock was enough to break his heart for one evening. He would comfort him later if that was needed, and one day, Jaehwan would see that this was all for the best.
He was relieved until Hongbin insisted Hakyeon would accompany him to buy groceries, sometime during their GR8U promotions. He saw in the other's eyes immediately that something was wrong, and he wished he could say no, forget the whole thing and stay home, but of course, as a leader, there was no way he could. So, he let Hongbin drag him along, and once they were alone, the younger's mask, that had been strictly happy for two months, faded away.
”Don't you like her?” Hakyeon asked, and prayed to every god that was listening that the answer was yes.
”Of course I like her,” Hongbin replied, and Hakyeon's internal organs fell back into place. ”She's funny, pretty, intelligent... And since she's an idol, too, she's very understanding of me.”
”So that's good then. Isn't it?”
”Yeah,” Hongbin agrees. ”It's just...” Hakyeon was glad they were out walking, not looking at each other. It meant neither of them had to try too hard to hide their worried expressions from each other. ”I keep thinking of him, hyung. I don't know why, but I can't stop, even when I'm with her, I keep missing him.”
Hakyeon hummed. ”It takes a while to get over someone.”
”But we've been together for a long time now, and I thought... I thought it would become easier.”
”It's only been two months, Hongbin, it's hardly decades in relationship time,” Hakyeon said, laughing a little.
Hongbin snorted. ”No, but it's enough to know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone, wouldn't you say?”
Hakyeon hesitated. ”You said you liked her.”
”I do like her, hyung, it's not about that. It just isn't the same.”
”Give it some time, Hongbin,” Hakyeon said impatiently. He didn't like talking about the whole thing anymore, it made him feel like someone else, like much worse of a person than he really was. ”Give her a chance to take over your heart. And one day, you'll look back on all of this and thank your lucky star that you didn't go down that road.”
”So you keep saying,” Hongbin said, shaking his head and looking up at the starlit sky above them. ”But when I think of the future, all I see is myself regretting that I never went after what I truly wanted.”
”There's nothing to go after,” Hakyeon said, and his voice became firmer with every time he had to remind the other boy of this. ”He doesn't feel that way about you, remember?”
Hongbin never replied, and they walked the rest of the way in silence. Maybe Hongbin never really believed Jaehwan's words when he said he didn't feel the same about Hongbin, and maybe the reason was because the younger knew him much too well, could see his heart much too easily to believe in such a blatant lie.
But the last thing Hongbin wanted was to disrespect Jaehwan, or to make him feel pressured. And that, at the end of the day, was what stopped them from putting the group's reputation on the line.
”It'll get better, Jaehwanie,” Hakyeon tries. ”Nothing remains the same forever. Everything changes, and so will your feelings for him.”
Jaehwan has stopped crying, but he still remains with his head in Hakyeon's lap. Taekwoon still isn't out of the shower, and they're both starting to become impatient, the tiredness tugging at their eyelids harsher with every minute that passes. ”Maybe,” the younger replies, sounding far from convinced. ”But if it will, I just wish it would happen now.”
”Change is gradual, you know,” Hakyeon says, patting Jaehwan's neck. ”It may have already started. And, you know, with us being around each other so much, discovering every single annoying little habit in each other...” He laughs a little, shaking his head. ”I don't even understand how you fell for him in the first place.”
Jaehwan looks up at him curiously, and they eye each other's faces upside-down. ”And here I thought that was what love is,” Jaehwan says slowly. ”Knowing everything about each other, both the positives and the negatives, and still loving... whatever that mix becomes. So even though I know that Hongbin doesn't think before he speaks a lot of the time, and then thinks a lot about it later, and even though I know that sometimes he takes his jokes too far... I still love those parts of him, too.”
The unfairness of it all hits Hakyeon like a hammer in the chest. He doesn't allow himself to feel it, normally, too occupied with convincing himself that every aspect of their love would be 100% wrong and out of the question. But never before has he seen two people love each other so selflessly as Hongbin and Jaehwan, and yet they are the ones who are forced to live apart, believing that the other doesn't feel the same.
Maybe it would all change if they had a chance at a relationship. Maybe they would fuck it up, regardless of how much they love each other. That's what people in love normally do, right? Most relationships end in separation rather than until-death-does-us-part. But hell, Hakyeon thinks, he wishes they would at least get the chance to try.
He's so deep in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the sound of the shower stopping. He doesn't wake up from his daze until the door to their room opens and Hongbin walks out, dressed in his pajamas and his hair ruffled in every possible direction. Jaehwan bolts upright, hurrying to wipe the tears that still remain on his cheeks.
”Oh, I'm sorry,” Hongbin says, sensing he has just interrupted something. ”I just heard the shower turn off so I thought... I'd use... the bathroom...” he trails off, seeing the traces of wetness on Jaehwan's face. ”Hyung, are you okay?”
”Just tired,” Jaehwan says curtly. ”That's all.”
”Oh.” Hongbin looks between them both, apparently having forgotten about his need to use the bathroom. ”You sure? Is there anything I can do?”
Hakyeon stares. Yes, he sees them make eyes at each other almost every day when they think the other can't see, it's practically part of his daily routine by now. But it's fascinating to him; sacred, almost, most of the time. But tonight it is simply painful, as if Jaehwan has possessed him and he gets to share part of the heartache that lies between the two of them, all the time, every day.
Jaehwan doesn't reply, and then Taekwoon walks out of the shower, wearing his same old sweatpants and shaking his hair dry with a towel. Maybe, Hakyeon thinks, maybe Jaehwan is strong enough to pretend like he doesn't want Hongbin with every cell of his being in the light of day, and maybe he hides well in the darkness after the sun has gone down, but right now he doesn't seem to have the strength to lie.
”I have to shower,” he says simply, getting up and walking away, almost bumping into Taekwoon as he does so.
Hongbin stares after him, not bothering to hide how much he wishes he could stop him, pull him back and force him to tell the truth. Is he okay? he mouths in Hakyeon's direction.
And Hakyeon sighs in reply. ”Yeah. He's fine. Just tired.”
It's the first time that Hakyeon truly questions whether or not they're doing the right thing by strangling something that is so powerful, so natural and so undeniable. But as he watches Hongbin shuffle back into his room, no doubt getting ready for another night awake, he remembers yet again what could happen to the group if they were to be caught. And that's it, truly, the one thing they all have in common: The group, the love they share for it, and their dream of succeeding. The one thing they can never lose.
And it's terrible, awful, but maybe these two will keep on loving each other until the end of VIXX and longer. Maybe it's a force that can't be stopped. It certainly does seem that way to Hakyeon, when he finally gets into bed, remembering Hongbin's worried eyes and wondering what it must be like to love someone so much that it's enough to make you cry just thinking about it. Perhaps it's better for him that he doesn't know.
But the saddest thing about Hongbin and Jaehwan is, simply, that it's all so well thought out. From their first meeting until now, they've always matched their steps, even though they've tried to push each other away and Hakyeon has tried to come between them.
It's all so synchronized. As if it was meant to happen. Only in a different time, a different place - another world.