6: Little by Little
Title: Little by little
Pairing: Neo
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Psychological, AU, slight romance, angst, songfic: VIXX - On & On
Summary: Taekwoon is afraid, and Hakyeon knows of what.
Wordcount: 4,669
”I don't believe people like you really exist.”
Taekwoon has to strain to speak. He's on his knees on the floor, his chin resting on the armrest of his bedroom couch, staring up at the man above him. Hakyeon is positioned on the armrest, too, his back leaned against the deep red wall, legs curled beneath him, and he stares back at Taekwoon with amusement.
”Are you talking to yourself again?”
Taekwoon frowns. ”No.” It's dark out, and light from the ceiling makes his head pulse with surrealism.
”So then what makes you say that?”
Hakyeon is the only person in the whole world that Taekwoon can tell anything to. He doesn't know how long he has known the other man, but it is not important. As long as Hakyeon stays with him forever.
Taekwoon tries again. ”I don't believe anyone as beautiful as you can be real.”
Hakyeon laughs, his hands on his knees. He is the only true source of light in this room, this room that is much too dark for Taekwoon's liking. Yet, he is the one who decided on the furniture, the one who painted the walls in this dark color, dooming his every morning, every night, to gloom. ”Is that all?” Hakyeon asks, smiling, like he is most of the time.
Taekwoon doesn't understand the question, so he looks away. It happens at least once every time they speak, so he's far past the point of feeling embarrassed about it.
”I am real,” Hakyeon says, but does nothing to prove his point. Never does. So Taekwoon reaches out a hand to put on the other's, still resting on his knee, but Hakyeon pulls his hand away as if burned before Taekwoon has even come close. ”No touching,” he scolds, and Taekwoon feels like he has heard those two words more times than he has heard his own name.
”I want to touch you,” Taekwoon whines. It's all he ever wants nowadays.
”I'll remember that,” is Hakyeon's only response. What he needs to remember it for, Taekwoon doesn't know, and he's not sure he really cares.
The floor is cold, and dusty in the corners. It must be a while since he last cleaned. But there are always more important things that crave his attention - it's not that he's a slob. No, truly, Taekwoon feels the most at ease when things are structured and orderly, clean, organized. It's not his fault that he turned into this mess, even if the irony is amusing.
”I woke up today to the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen,” Taekwoon says, turning his body around and replacing his chin with the back of his head on the armrest. His eyes fall on the window next to his bed, still unmade and unruly since he got up. ”So I stood by the window, watched, waited for the sun to rise higher and illuminate this room again, until I realized the sun wasn't rising, but setting.” He pauses, turning his head to look back at Hakyeon, who watches him carefully. ”I didn't want to watch the darkness fall once more, so I turned on the light and sat down. Now I'm holding onto the knowledge that even though each night is long, another dawn will always come.”
”So that's what you're doing now?” Hakyeon asks, and he sounds angry, suddenly. Taekwoon doesn't worry. ”You're sitting here on the floor, waiting for the sun to rise?”
Taekwoon nods his head feverently, the thought of the sun alone makes him desperate. ”Yes.”
Hakyeon scoffs, shaking his head. ”How very human of you.”
Taekwoon stares at him, though the angle is making his neck ache. ”What's that supposed to mean?”
”You talk about the sun like it rises and sets for your sake,” Hakyeon clarifies, annoyed glint in his eyes. ”As if it's not the Earth that rotates and orbits the sun, as if the sun works because you need it to.”
”I don't understand where you're going with this.”
Hakyeon sighs. ”The sun doesn't live for you.”
Taekwoon knows that Hakyeon gets angry often, and about inexplicable things, but nothing bad has ever happened between them. Taekwoon is safe.
”Neither do I live for the sun.”
”No. You live because of it.”
They stare at each other.
”Fine,” Taekwoon says eventually, giving in. ”I'm waiting for the Earth to rotate enough for me to see the sun again. Happy?”
”Not very,” Hakyeon says, and it's not surprise to Taekwoon. Neither of them are very happy, but that's okay. As long as they're both there together, and neither of them is alone.
Taekwoon lies face down on the floor. Another night is passing like this, and how many that has passed since their last conversation, Taekwoon doesn't know.
The house he lives in enormous. Three floors, old, wooden, seemingly instable, but solid. Most of the rooms on each floor are joined, and Taekwoon can remember chasing his cousins around and around in a circle on each floor while he was growing up, through hallway, kitchen, livingroom, bedroom, guest room, and back into the hallway again. Cousins, yes, when his parents lived here with him, but never friends. He never had many of those. And if he did, they did not come to visit his home. Sometimes, he feels like those old, forgotten souls really did come to visit him, though, and that they never left. Taekwoon is alone here, he knows that, apart from his sporadic visits from Hakyeon, but the house has a life of its own. Be it sudden cracks and creaking in the floor of another empty room or soft taps against the dirty window sills, there is always life here to be heard. The walls whine and sigh heavily whenever the wind breathes too violently on either side of the house, but not today. Everything is still today.
Hakyeon is here. Taekwoon hasn't seen him, because his eyes are closed where he lies, cool carpet against his cheek calming his senses, but the sound of footfalls isn't lost on him. They step around him in a wide circle, carefully, slowly, the floor creaking and the carpet dipping momentarily. Taekwoon wishes the other would just sit down and try tro find some peace instead of roaming around like this, so aimlessly, because even though he knows it is Hakyeon and everything is okay, Taekwoon scares easily.
”Are you all right?” Hakyeon asks suddenly. Taekwoon doesn't open his eyes.
”No, I'm not.”
A slight pause. Hakyeon keeps walking around him in his circle. ”The sun is up.”
”I know that.”
”You don't look like you know,” Hakyeon laughs. ”You should go outside and take advantage of it while you can. Evening is on the way, and you know what that means.”
Taekwoon takes a deep breath, and honestly tries to consider the suggestion. ”No,” he breathes out then.
”Why not?”
Taekwoon shakes his head, keeping his eyes closed. ”I don't want to go outside.”
”Why not?”
”I don't want to see anyone.”
”As if you would see anyone here anyway,” Hakyeon laughs, and Taekwoon knows that he is right. The village is small, with only 200 inhibitants, and Taekwoon's house lies just by the side of the church hill. People pass by the road often, for weddings, baptizings, and most often funerals, but Taekwoon's house is secluded from all of that. They never bother him. And he enjoys the sound of the church bells enough to take their presence in his stride.
”What would be so bad about seeing people, anyway?”
Taekwoon feels his heart beating uncomfortably in his chest, swinging between his spine and the cold surface of the floor like a pendulum. ”It's scary.”
”You're afraid of seeing people?” The ticks of Taekwoon's heart matches the rhythm of Hakyeon's footsteps.
Taekwoon nods, and despite hearing that Hakyeon is currently somewhere beside his feet, he knows the other can see it.
”Don't lie.”
Taekwoon's resolve cracks. He's afraid. ”Stop walking around. And I'm not lying.”
”Okay, let me reprase,” Hakyeon says. His pace doesn't slow. ”You're lying both to me and yourself. Perhaps you don't know it yet, but you need to stop.”
Too aware that Hakyeon has reached his head again and could so easily aim a kick to his scalp, Taekwoon waits for a few more seconds before he speaks, allowing the other man some time to move down the side of his body. ”Hakyeon, stop walking around,” he says then, tries to use his firm voice, but with his stomach pressed against the floor it doesn't come out sounding very threatening. ”You're confusing me.”
Hakyeon keeps walking. ”Are you sure that what you're afraid of is really other people?”
It's getting harder to breathe. ”I'm sure,” Taekwoon says.
Hakyeon rounds his body once more, and the sound of his steps now comes from right beside Taekwoon's left ear. ”Think again,” he mutters lowly, and Taekwoon snaps, breaks into terrified pieces.
”Would you stop fucking walking around!” he yells, pulling himself up on his feet in one swift motion, preparing to shield his eyes from the daylight, maybe even defend himself from Hakyeon's fury, but when he opens his eyes, it's dark. He's alone. And for a trembling moment, Taekwoon wonders if Hakyeon was so upset with his outburst that he just left, but then he hears another step taken behind him, between himself and the window, and he spins around, breathing shallow and heavy in his throat, but he finds nothing.
The sun is not up. That means Hakyeon lied to him, and that Taekwoon himself lied when he agreed.
He hears another step, right beside him, and he stares, wide-eyed, but there's no one there, Hakyeon is gone.
”Hakyeon?” he breathes, cold from his head to his toes, hands held up in front of his stomach aimlessly, perhaps to protect himself from something he can't see. ”Hakyeon?”
There's no reply, and the footfalls circle him quicker now that he's standing up and not taking up quite as much of the floor. They step around him once, twice, and Taekwoon simply stands there, not daring to move in fear of stepping into nothing. When the sound moves in behind him the third time, Hakyeon steps out next to him in synchronization with the footfalls. Taekwoon stares at him as he stands in front of him, hands slowly lowering to relax at his sides, breathing slowly returning to normal.
”Hakyeon?”
Hakyeon smiles, doesn't touch Taekwoon. ”Look how scared you were when you didn't see anybody. If you had seen the person who caused the noise, you wouldn't have been as afraid, would you?”
Taekwoon looks around, panting, fear still coursing through his system in waves. ”What... What are you saying?”
Hakyeon gives him a patient look, though it loses some of its effect through the darkness. ”Are you sure other people is what you're truly afraid of?” he repeats.
A few more quivering breaths, then Taekwoon steps around him and hurries out the door, to run down the stairs and back up again, turning on the light in every room of the oversized house. He hears footsteps on the second floor when he's on the ground floor, and on the third floor when he's on the second. Whatever point Hakyeon is trying to prove to him, he doesn't care. He is not crazy. He knows what he's afraid of.
”This is the last package of your prescription. You'll have to ask your doctor to write you another one before you can pick up any more, alright?”
Taekwoon nods. He knows this procedure by now. ”Yeah. Sure.” His voice is small, the way it always is around other people for a reason he is not clear on - except for when he's with Hakyeon, of course.
”Will that be all?”
Taekwoon nods a yes. The lights of the pharmacy are too bright, and the shelves, floor and ceiling is all too white. He wants to get out of here, and quickly. ”Mm.”
”That'll be $25.”
Taekwoon pays, and while he waits for his credit card to work its magic he looks at the cashier from beneath his eyelashes. She looks tired, but she's friendly and pleasant, not too loud or obnoxious. Maybe, when he thinks about it, standing here with her in the silence is not too bad. He doesn't feel particularly frightened, even though his stomach is tied into a tight knot of nervousness. Given time, maybe he could relax. If he really tried. Perhaps Hakyeon is right.
He receives his little white box in a small plastic bag, and he hurries to shuffle away from the checkout counter. Hakyeon, who walked him there, is perched on one of the chairs in the waiting area, slowly tapping his foot against the floor. He doesn't appear to see Taekwoon when he approaches.
Taekwoon throws the plastic bag down on the chair next to Hakyeon, and the latter jumps a little in his seat. ”Honestly, I think you're right about all of this,” Taekwoon mutters, easing his backpack off his shoulders.
Hakyeon stares at him. ”I'm sorry, what?”
”You know,” Taekwoon replies, opening the zipper on his backpack to stuff the plastic bag inside. ”What you said about pills, that it can mess with all kinds of things in your head and your body?” Hakyeon raises an eyebrow. ”I don't know, I'm just not sure about all of this.”
”Uhm... I'm sorry, do I know you?”
Taekwoon glares at him. ”Come on, Hakyeon, don't play games,” he grunts, staring down at the other man and... the... queue ticket in his hand... And the wet umbrella he balances between his knees. Never before has Taekwoon seen him hold anything in his hands.
He looks away immediately, rushing to put his backpack on. ”I'm so sorry,” he says, voice shrinking again. ”My mistake.”
He's just about to walk away when the man calls out a: ”Wait!” Taekwoon freezes, turning around and watches that familiar face move in such unfamiliar ways. ”How did you know my name?”
Taekwoon shakes his head, and then he runs.
Winter is on the way. That means shorter days, colder temperatures and a whole lot of darkness. Taekwoon hates the thought of it, even though he's suddenly unsure if he's truly afraid of the dark. But that's always easy to say in the daylight, isn't it? Where he's sitting now, in his brightly lit kitchen, by the table with the distasteful, pastel oilcloth, making it through the night doesn't seem like such a challenge. It never truly does.
”So you do exist in real life,” he states, to Hakyeon, who's sitting across from him. Hakyeon smiles knowingly in response, hands folded on the empty table.
”I said so.”
”You say a lot of things.”
Hakyeon nods. ”All of which are important.”
Taekwoon scoffs a little. ”Did you lead me there at that time just to prove to me that you exist?”
Hakyeon tilts his head from side to side, as if he's considering it. ”More or less.”
”You could have just showed me from a distance,” Taekwoon huffs. ”It was humiliating, talking to him as if I knew him.”
”You said you wanted to touch me,” Hakyeon grins. ”You should have taken your chance.”
Taekwoon's mind reels at the thought. It still hadn't occurred to him. ”I don't even know him.”
”Which is the second reason why I brought you there,” Hakyeon says, suddenly serious.
Taekwoon merely blinks at him. ”You wanted me to get to know him?” Hakyeon nods. ”Why?”
”To prove my point to you once and for all,” Hakyeon says matter-of-factly. ”I already know how you feel about him... how you feel about me. And trust me, the real me would feel the same about you.”
Taekwoon takes a deep breath, hand shooting up to comb through his short hair. ”This is insane.”
”If you were normal... If you weren't on these pills... You would have given him a witty, romantic line when he asked how you knew his name. The two of you would hit it off instantly, have your first date that same day under his umbrella. He would take you ice skating a few weeks from now, and by the end of the night, you would share your first kiss.” He smiles softly, full of nostalgia, staring down into the table. ”And from there, your relationship would snowball. You'd want to be together so much that he'd move in here with you after only a few months. Blinded by happiness, he would invite you to meet his parents, only to get disowned by his mother when you confess your relationship. His father, on the other hand, would keep calling, keep coming to visit the two of you when his wife doesn't know.”
Taekwoon stares at him, mouth hanging open as the images play out in his mind.
”Your family, on the other hand, would be kept in the dark, the way you hide everything from them. Until one day, of course, when they would decide that a surprise visit is in order. They'd arrive here late one evening, and quickly realize that the confused man on your living room couch lives here with you. Seeing it as they came such a long way, they couldn't just turn around and go back home, right? So, they'd decide to stay for at least one night. And the weekend would be filled with awkward silences and endless questions, but by the time they'd go back home, your family would be closer to one another than you have ever been.”
Hakyeon falls silent, and Taekwoon doesn't know what to say. His body aches with the yearning for that kind of life, a normal life, a happy life. ”You don't... You can't...” he stutters.
”You think I can't know all this, is that it?” Hakyeon questions, suddenly harsh. ”I do. I know all of this, just like I know how when you were a boy, you were afraid of everything. That you locked it all up inside of you to never look at it again, to the point where thinking, feeling, being alone with yourself became too much for you to bear. Because you carry everything you're afraid of in your heart.”
Taekwoon inhales sharply, looking away, ready to leave the room again. ”Don't act like you know what I'm afraid of,” he bites out. ”I know myself better than anyone else, and-”
”Don't think you can hide your heart from me,” Hakyeon cuts him off, voice loud, firm, sending goosebumps over the skin of Taekwoon's arms. They stare at each other across the table, and Taekwoon tries his hardest not to make himself look as small as he feels. ”Who do you think I am, Taekwoon?”
He doesn't know how to reply, and just as he's about to open his mouth and struggle with his words, he hears the front door open, down on the first floor.
They both freeze. The creaking of the door swinging open seems to drag on forever. ”Did I leave the door open?” Taekwoon asks quietly, more to himself than to Hakyeon.
Hakyeon shakes his head. ”I don't know.”
More creaking flows up the stairs and into the kitchen, followed by a loud bang as the door slams shut again. Taekwoon holds his breath. That is definitely not the effect of the wind.
”Is there...” he tries, fear rising up and attempting to swallow him whole. ”Is there somebody here?” He stares at Hakyeon, not daring to look behind him towards the hallway and the staircase, barely daring to breathe in case he'd miss the tiniest noise.
”Is there?” Hakyeon asks back, emotionlessly. He does not seem afraid. Strangely, it doesn't bring Taekwoon much relief.
The front door opens again, faster this time, creaking loudly. And then it slams back shut.
”Are you scared?” Hakyeon asks, and Taekwoon nods furiously. ”Then we'd better go downstairs and check.”
The sound of the door opening comes once again, along with the sound of it closing. It doesn't stop, but merely repeats at a steady rhythm, as if somebody is downstairs, pushing the door open over and over again just to slam it shut. Taekwoon gets up from the table, staring at Hakyeon until he does the same. ”Don't leave,” he warns, pleads. ”Come with me, and don't you dare leave.”
”I'm right here.”
So they make it down the stairs, as slowly as they can muster, but the house is old, and the stairs are almost as loud as the door. There's no sneaking up on whoever is downstairs, but even as they make their way noisily down to the first floor, the sound of the door doesn't stop. Whoever is there is not put off by their appearance.
When Taekwoon is standing on the last step of the stairs with Hakyeon behind him, the door closes one final time. Taekwoon and Hakyeon exchange a glance before they step down onto the floor; the carpet is nauseating green, and there's a brown wooden sofa opposite the white front door. The hallway is empty apart from the two of them, Taekwoon can see that in the mirror on the dresser to the right of the door, but he doesn't dare to breathe just yet.
”There's nobody here,” Taekwoon breathes, and Hakyeon leaves his side to walk over to the door. The two windows on either side of the front door show him nothing but sunny fields.
”They're outside, aren't they?” Hakyeon says, more a statement than a question. ”I think there's someone out there.”
Taekwoon follows him. He has no idea who would come all the way here, but whoever it is, they shouldn't be here, he knows that much. He stands there for a moment, unmoving, merely staring.
”Look through the key hole,” Hakyeon orders, and Taekwoon wonders why he can't do it himself. ”It's your house,” Hakyeon adds, as if he can hear Taekwoon's thoughts. So Taekwoon gets on his knees, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself before he leans against the door, pressing his eyes against the key hole.
For a moment, all he sees is black. He moves, breath caught in his throat, because this darkness must mean that someone really is standing outside the door, blocking his sight, and he moves, tries to make sense of what he is seeing, until the person on the other side of the door does the same, and he is faced with another eye, staring directly back into his.
The eye he sees is his own.
He yelps, falling backwards onto the floor, scrambling to get away from the door, hand clutching at the side of the wooden sofa, pulling himself away. Hakyeon stands by his feet, laughing loudly, enough so that it echoes through Taekwoon's rooms.
”Look how scared you are of facing yourself,” Hakyeon laughs, and Taekwoon squeezes his eyes shut, nails pressing into the floor. ”Look how you'd rather run than look yourself in the eye.” Taekwoon sucks in a breath, realizing that he's crying, that there are tears collecting in a small pool beneath his face. He wipes at his face, strangely comforted by the warm saltiness on his cheeks while Hakyeon's laughter tears at his mind; he sounds so pleased with himself, so amused, that it makes Taekwoon see red. He stares back at the other, who is too busy laughing to realize Taekwoon's rage, and he aims a firm kick towards Hakyeon's shins, wanting nothing more than to shut his laughter up, and he puts all his strength into it, kicking with everything he has.
He's met with nothing but air. And for a moment, everything stills, before Hakyeon screams, piercingly loud, the sound non-stop stabbing its way into Taekwoon's eardrums, and Taekwoon is the one to laugh this time, mouth open and half pressed against the floor. The screams don't stop, not until the shape of Hakyeon moves at the speed of sound to the door to Taekwoon's laundry room, the door slamming behind him so harshly that the mirror on top of the dresser falls down, and shatters into countless, broken pieces.
Taekwoon keeps laughing even after Hakyeon is gone, even when his screams have stopped resounding through the house and everything has gone quiet again. He laughs because it feels good, so good to finally get some revenge, to come out on top for just once. Eventually, he gets up from where he's lying, and crawls over to the broken mirror, careful not to place his hand on any broken glass. He stares down into the pieces and sees himself look back at him, half expecting Hakyeon to appear behind him in his reflection.
But he doesn't come.
”Hurry up.”
Taekwoon holds his umbrella firmly, because with the way the rain is pouring on top if it he thinks he might lose his hold soon. Hakyeon is walking by his side, but of course not close enough for them to be touching, even an accidental brush of their arms.
”This is mad. I don't even want to go there, Hakyeon, and I don't see why you care so much.”
Hakyeon shakes his head. ”Don't be an idiot. You're blind if you can't see yourself.”
Taekwoon sighs, but walks up to the store Hakyeon is gesturing towards. They stop outside for a moment, Taekwoon shaking off a few droplets of water from his umbrella before closing it. Then he lets Hakyeon usher him inside, into the lights, that are always too bright, and into the crowd, that never pays him much attention.
”Now go find one you like,” Hakyeon says, looking around the place before pointing over to a specific section. ”Doesn't matter which. Any will do.”
Taekwoon sighs again. ”It doesn't matter to me either, Hakyeon.”
”Don't talk,” Hakyeon says simply, and Taekwoon supposes that's the best thing to do when they go out together. So he walks over to the shelves, picking out the first mirror he lays his eyes upon. It's fairly simple, oval shaped, not too big, in a thick, black frame to hang on the wall. He turns it over and looks at the price tag, which is also fairly reasonable.
”Will this do?” he asks, holding it out to Hakyeon, who looks at it with disinterest.
”Sure, that's fine. Now go pay for it.”
Taekwoon shakes his head, not even trying to understand the other anymore. It's a lost cause, he knows that. He holds the mirror securely under his arm and heads over towards the counter, vaguely registering that Hakyeon doesn't follow, but stays behind by the shelves. Taekwoon wonders if the reason Hakyeon forced him out here was because he has something else that he wants to look at, something he wants to look at in secret, but then he looks up at the cashier a few meters ahead of him and comes to an immediate halt.
Behind the counter stands Hakyeon, talking away with an older, female customer as he handles her purchase. His clothes tell Taekwoon that he most definitely works here.
Taekwoon turns around and sees Hakyeon standing where he left him, leaning against a shelf and shrugging in reponse to Taekwoon's disbelieving look. Then he looks back at the Hakyeon behind the counter, smiling and laughing with his costumer, looking so much more alive than Taekwoon has ever seen him.
He stares down at the mirror in his hands before turning back to the Hakyeon he is used to, one last time, giving him an amused grin. ”Now you're just fucking with me.”
Hakyeon's laughter reaches him from two directions.