10: A Bad Person (2/2)
When they get back to the apartment, Jaehwan is afraid that Taekwoon is going to go off on him and tell him how much of a basket case Wonshik is, because he truly doesn't want to hear it. Instead, Taekwoon sits him down on his couch, letting the TV play as a background distraction while Jaehwan composes himself.
”He has some issues, huh?” Taekwoon says. Jaehwan shrugs. He doesn't know. He hasn't realized it until now. ”Is he usually possessive?” A nod, this time, is all Jaehwan can muster. ”And does he make everything about your relationship? Even the things that have nothing to do with the two of you?”
”Yeah.” He doesn't even want to ask how Taekwoon knows all this; he just wants to sober up and go the fuck to sleep.
”Jaehwan, listen,” Taekwoon says, a hand placed on his shoulder. ”He has issues, and that's not his fault, but don't let him take them out on you anymore. Okay?” But Jaehwan simply shrugs in reply, because he doesn't know what that means. How can he withstand someone he is so inexplicably, head over heels in love with? Even now, his whole body is longing for him to come back, to be the person he was until this night. ”I'm worried about you,” Taekwoon says then. ”I want to know that even when I'm not here, you won't let him control you.”
There are three loud bangs on the door. Jaehwan and Taekwoon both jump in surprise, staring at each other in fear. It's late; Hakyeon and Sojin went home already, so who would be here? They get up off the couch and hurry out into the hallway.
”Who is it?” Jaehwan calls.
”It's me,” comes Wonshik's voice. ”I left my jacket here. I need it.” Jaehwan and Taekwoon eye each other for a moment before Jaehwan turns to the coat hanger, and it's true, Wonshik's jacket is right there. So, Jaehwan moves to open the door, but Taekwoon stops him.
”Are you alone?”
”Hongbin is here.”
”Hi,” comes Hongbin's tired voice to prove his point. Jaehwan unlocks the door and pushes it open, and a moment later, in a flash of colors and movement, he finds himself on his back on the hallway floor, with Wonshik straddling his waist, his nails digging into his shoulders harshly.
”What the fuck are you doing?” he hears Taekwoon's voice from somewhere behind him, and he hears Hongbin's weak protests of ”Wonshik, please, come on,” but Wonshik doesn't have eyes for anyone but Jaehwan as his hands travel up towards his neck.
Taekwoon tries to pry his hands away, but it's no use. Wonshik is strong, and he doesn't let up. ”Please,” Jaehwan tries, too shocked to make his muscles obey him. ”What are you doing? Please, Wonshik, stop...”
”Why?” Wonshik chokes out. ”You're fine with treating me however the fuck you want and letting people walk all over me, but you don't like it when I do the same to you, is that it?”
Jaehwan lets out an involuntary scream and throws his head from side to side when Wonshik's hands finally close around his neck. He has time to wonder if this is how he's going to die before Taekwoon snatches one of Wonshik's hands away, Hongbin still pulling and tugging at his other, to no avail.
”I don't care! I don't fucking care!” Wonshik screams, and Jaehwan doesn't know what he's talking about, but then he has pulled his arm out of Taekwoon's grip once more and both his hands grab at his shoulders, lifting his upper body and slamming it back down against the floor repeatedly, and Jaehwan loses his breath, stops trying to fight it, and just hangs, limp, in Wonshik's hands. ”You won't get away with hurting me, do you understand?”
”Hongbin, for christ's sake,” Taekwoon yells, and then he throws himself with all his might on Wonshik, arms wrapping around his middle and pushing him off of Jaehwan, slowly but surely, and when Hongbin seems to collect himself enough he joins him. Eventually, Wonshik hits the floor, but immediately starts kicking and punching, one of his feet hitting Taekwoon in the stomach with precision. Jaehwan pulls himself up off the floor, barely aware of his own movements, and his back hurts with every step he takes, but soon he's on his knees next to Wonshik, his hands pushing him down by his shoulders.
”Calm down, Wonshik, please,” he begs and pleads, over and over, while Wonshik keeps kicking at Taekwoon. Hongbin, who's holding on to his arms tightly, seems to be spared from his rage. ”Stop it, please, please stop it,” Jaehwan chants, and eventually, when Wonshik seems to realize he's been overpowered, his legs still, leaving Taekwoon panting where he sits, clutching his stomach.
Jaehwan gets up, takes the jacket from the hanger and pushes it into Wonshik's hand. Then he sits down next to him again. ”You have your jacket, now please go,” he begs, and Wonshik sits up, staring down at the jacket, disoriented.
”So that's it?” he wheezes. ”You really don't give a shit anymore?” Jaehwan says nothing. It doesn't add up in his head. ”So I guess everything you said, about how much you liked me, was all a lie.”
”Just go,” Taekwoon bites out, leaning against the wall. Wonshik shoots him a dirty look. He gets up, and Jaehwan is scared that he will start kicking again, but he doesn't. Instead, he simply walks out the door, pulling his jacket on.
”Why did you let him come here?” Taekwoon shoots at Hongbin as the latter gets up from the floor to follow his friend.
”I thought he just wanted his jacket, I didn't know he'd do this,” Hongbin replies, skipping over Jaehwan on the floor. ”I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry.”
And with that, the door closes, and Jaehwan and Taekwoon are left sitting on the floor, still trying to catch their breaths. Their whole bodies are warm and aching painfully, and Jaehwan can already see marks forming on Taekwoon's arms where Wonshik's nails cut him. He doesn't want to know what he looks like himself.
It really is like being struck by lightning.
”I knew I shouldn't have let you go home. Goddamnit, what is that guy's problem?”
”Hakyeon,” Jaehwan groans, head tipping onto the backrest of the couch. ”I told you, I'm fine. Stop pacing.”
Hakyeon does stop, just between the couch and the TV, but gives Jaehwan a glare that makes him feel slightly crazy. ”Jaehwan!” he screeches. ”Those marks on your neck beg to differ!”
Jaehwan traces the marks with his hand absent-mindedly. He doesn't need to look anymore to know where they are; he's spent the whole morning staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. ”I'm just saying, it could have been worse.”
Hakyeon jumps down on the couch next to him. ”Yeah, tell that to Taekwoon.”
”Why? What about Taekwoon?” Jaehwan asks nervously. He walked Jaehwan to Hakyeon's place this morning, but they haven't talked since.
”Unless his stomach stops hurting by tomorrow, he's going to go get checked at the hospital,” Hakyeon tells him. Jaehwan's chest burns with guilt. ”Wonshik really got him good.”
Jaehwan leans back, pulling his hands over his face and through his hair. ”God, this is such a mess.” His phone vibrates on the armrest for what might be the fiftieth time today. He takes it, biting back the angry tears that well up again, because he knows exactly who the message will be from. And he's right; it's Wonshik again, changing his strategy to get Jaehwan to talk to him once more.
Look, we should at least talk about last night, we were both drunk and it was just one big misunderstanding. Please Jaehwan, I miss you.
Without even considering a response, Jaehwan puts his phone back down. The message shows another color from the previous ones. Wonshik has sent him everything from Whenever you're ready to apologize, I'm here and You really don't care? Even when one of your friends upset me so much, you don't care? to I was just really sad, you can understand that, right? and Jaehwan is not impressed.
”Was that him again?” Hakyeon asks, anger still splattering out through his voice.
”Yes,” Jaehwan groans, covering his face with his hands. ”He keeps texting me and I don't - I don't know what to do, Hakyeon, I really don't...”
”Hey,” Hakyeon cuts in, placing his arm around Jaehwan's shoulders and pullig him in. ”Don't worry, okay? Just ignore him until he goes away. He can't keep this up forever.”
Jaehwan clings to him, trying to push down everything that comes swirling up from below the surface, all the humiliation, the betrayal, the rupture in his own identity. ”I guess. It's just so scary... One moment he's Wonshik, loving and caring and sweet, and the next... It's like he's this whole other person.”
”I know. He'll go away, I promise you,” the older continues, leaning his head on top of Jaehwan's. ”Even if I have to kill him.”
Jaehwan wants to laugh, because he knows it's a joke, but the words make him uncomfortable. He pushes his face into Hakyeon's shirt and closes his eyes, wishing he could turn back time.
It's another few days before he's alone again. He doesn't feel safe, keeps wondering if Wonshik is going to show up at his door, demanding to be let in, but he does need some alone time. He can't stay at Hakyeon's forever. So he coops up with his laptop in his bed, watching shows, listening to music, does anything to keep his mind busy, and it works, most of the time.
Until, of course, he pauses the music and realizes how quiet and empty his apartment is.
Maybe, he thinks once the adrenaline and the shock has begun to settle, he overreacted a little bit. Yes, Wonshik pushed him onto the floor, but it's not like he hit him. It's not like he abused him. Is Wonshik a person who would ever hit Jaehwan? Of course not. He was upset that night, he was drunk, and, honestly, it's not that hard to understand why he'd be angry. He thought Jaehwan didn't care about him anymore, which is understandable from how Jaehwan treated him earlier in the night - and who wouldn't go a little mad if they thought their significant other didn't care about them anymore?
The guilt comes little by little. Wonshik is the one who was upset, so, really, Jaehwan should have listened to his feelings, not try to push him away. And when he thinks of the conversations they shared up until that night, how they opened up to each other and came to rely on one another so qiuckly, he begins to realize how betrayed Wonshik must be feeling.
And in the loneliness of his empty bedroom, he remembers Wonshik's tender hands on him, the way he was so attentive to Jaehwan's every need and desire, and he realizes how hard Wonshik was trying to take care of him. Despite all that, Jaehwan is going to throw him away over one stupid mistake, one drunken night? The knowledge that Wonshik might never hold him again hits him like a sledgehammer; everything they built up so strongly will go to waste, and never will they laugh together again, never will Jaehwan feel that look of absolute affection on him, and never will the dreams they shared together come true.
The loneliness floors him and shackles him in no time, and he feels cold with fear that he will never be loved, or be allowed to love anyone else again.
It can't happen. He just needs to open his mind a little, that's all.
”I... I'm sorry. It all got so crazy, you know?”
Jaehwan nods, looking back at Wonshik sympathetically over the café table. ”It happened so fast. I didn't even realize what was happening.”
”It did,” Wonshik agrees. ”I mean, I'm sorry about my reaction, back at your place...” He stares down into the table, obviously ashamed. ”That should have never happened. And I would never, ever do something like that again.”
”I know you wouldn't,” Jaehwan agrees, feeling compelled to cover Wonshik's hand on the table with his own. He grabs his mug of tea tighter instead. ”You were upset. It's okay, I understand.”
Wonshik shows him an insecure smile and nods slightly. ”I mean, you heard what he said. When you didn't even say anything about, I thought... I thought you agreed with him. To me, it felt as horrible as if it would have come directly from your lips.”
Jaehwan shakes his head instantly. ”I would never. It was awful, and I would never call you anything like that, Wonshik, please trust me on that.”
Wonshik still smiles, but he looks dejected, still unable to lift his gaze from the table. ”I'm trying...”
Jaehwan can't restrain it anymore, but reaches out and takes Wonshik's hand in his. ”I promise, I would never do that to you.”
To his relief, Wonshik intwines their fingers and finally meets Jaehwan's eyes. ”I don't know,” he says, ”maybe in time I can learn to trust you again.”
Jaehwan exhales in relief, endlessly grateful for this second chance. ”I'll do anything to prove to you that you can trust me.”
Wonshik squeezes his hand. ”Anything, you say?” he says, raising an eyebrow and smiling suggestively. Jaehwan throws his head back and laughs, and it feels like life is returning to him; there's still hope for them, there's still love to be felt, love that will loosen his shackles and keep him warm.
Jaehwan almost stops thinking about that night. Himself and Wonshik have worked through their differences, so everything is okay - there's just one detail he can't get out of his head.
Taekwoon.
Taekwoon, who used such a horrible, derogatory word to insult someone he knew was so important to Jaehwan. Taekwoon, who acted like it was his right to decide who Jaehwan could talk to and not. Taekwoon, who used violence to control somebody who was going through an emotional trauma.
Wonshik helps him see Taekwoon's actions in their true light, but he makes the decision all on his own. It's the first time in his life that he has done this, but he cuts Taekwoon out of his life via a single, simple text message. I don't think we can be friends anymore. Please respect my decision and don't contact me again.
And that's it. He doesn't offer an explanation, because it's true what Wonshik says: Taekwoon should know it on his own. So he doesn't respond to the text he gets back, asking what is going on, what did he do wrong, and neither does he pick up any of the five calls he receives over the coming days.
It's all for the best.
They're at the docks, and the sun is beaming. It's possibly the warmest day of summer so far, and Jaehwan can't remember the last time he felt this tremendously happy.
Wonshik sits down next to him, their feet dangling off the concrete edge with the ocean spread out in front of them. ”This is your favorite flavor, right?” Wonshik asks as he hands him an ice cream cone, even though it's something he has long since imprinted in his memories.
”Yes, thank you,” Jaehwan says, leaning over to press a soft kiss to his lips. ”Ah, this is perfect.”
As Wonshik digs into his own ice cream, squinting in the sun as he gazes out over the calm waters, Jaehwan takes the opportunity to stare and drool a little bit. Wonshik has been dressing more lightly recently in the warm weather, and today he's wearing a white tank top that shows off his muscled arms.
Of course, before he knows it, he gets caught. ”What?” Wonshik says, and Jaehwan stares at up at him in surprise, already too far gone in his fantasies of licking and biting at that soft skin.
”Uhhhh... Nothing.” Wonshik raises an eyebrow at him, so he sighs. ”Okay, fine. I was just thinking that I know it's warm out, but by wearing that you're making it even hotter for the rest of us.”
Wonshik chuckles, his mouth full of ice cream. ”Don't worry,” he says, leaning closer to Jaehwan and cupping his cheek in his free hand. ”I'll take it all off once we get back home.”
Jaehwan bites his lip to stop from smiling too widely, and when Wonshik withdraws his hand he immediately stuffs his mouth full of ice cream to cool down.
”Is it good?” Wonshik asks then, nodding towards the cone in his hand.
”Yeah. Yours?”
”Oh, I could just die,” the younger replies dramatically, giving it another lick. Some of his green ice cream gets smeared over the side of his mouth.
”What is flavor is that even?”
Wonshik turns to him, offering him the cone. ”Wanna taste?”
Jaehwan smirks. ”Sure,” he says, pushing Wonshik's hand away. Instead, he pulls himself closer, his free hand on Wonshik's shoulder, before kissing and licking the excess ice cream from his cheek.
They're both smiling when he pulls back. ”Hm, it's good.”
Wonshik stares at him. ”Jaehwan, I think I love you.”
It's not that he's shocked that Wonshik loves him, but rather that he's surprised to hear the words so suddenly. He smiles wider, taking his boyfriend's hand in his. ”I love you,” he says, confident and secure, because there is no way what he is feeling is anything other than love.
They remain in the sunshine for hours. Jaehwan is happier than he has ever been.
”Jaehwan, are you listening?”
”Hm?”
”Can you please put your phone away for just one second?”
Jaehwan does. He doesn't really want to, since he's in the midst of writing out a message to Wonshik, but he's not one to ignore Hakyeon's requests. ”What?”
Hakyeon sighs. ”You've been staring at your phone constantly since you got here. Can't you be here with me for a moment?”
”Sure, I'm sorry,” Jaehwan hurries, and he almost means it. ”Just... let me just finish writing this message, then I'll stop, okay?”
”Okay.” He sounds annoyed, but it's replaced by relief when Jaehwan sends the message off and puts the phone down next to him.
”There. I'm here.”
”Good,” Hakyeon says. ”You know, I heard about you and Taekwoon.”
”Oh?”
Hakyeon nods, eyeing him carefully. Jaehwan doesn't like it. It makes him feel scrutinized. ”Why did you do it?”
”End our friendship?” Jaehwan asks, and Hakyeon nods. ”You were there that night, too. You heard what he said to Wonshik.”
”What? The 'whore' thing?” Hakyeon questions, frowning.
”Yeah, that. I don't have any need for people like that in my life.”
Hakyeon shakes his head, seemingly trying to make sense of what he's hearing. ”You ended your friendship because of that one comment?”
Jaehwan nods, not bothered by Hakyeon's judging tone. He knows he did the right thing. ”Yep.”
Hakyeon stares at him. ”What about how he comforted you when you were crying? That he stayed with you when you really needed somebody? That he defended you when your crazy boyfriend tried to beat the crap out of you?”
”Hey,” Jaehwan interrupts, feeling the anger build already. ”He's not crazy, and he didn't try to beat me up,” he informs him, making sure to sound as disgusted as possible. ”It was nothing. He was just upset that night.”
”Yeah?” Hakyeon says sarcastically. ”So he didn't kick Taekwoon in the stomach hard enough to send him to the hospital, or slam your back into the floor until you couldn't breathe?”
”That sounds so dramatic,” Jaehwan argues, looking away. ”You weren't even there. And besides, that's not what this is about. We were talking about Taekwoon.”
Hakyeon repositions himself out of pure frustration. ”Jaehwan, he's brainwashing you.”
Jaehwan feels like his heart is going to crack. ”No, he's not!” he almost yells, and watches as Hakyeon's expression doesn't waver. ”Why would you even say that?”
Hakyeon shakes his head at him. ”Have you forgotten everything?”
”Forgotten what?”
”How crushed you were that night when we were at the bar,” Hakyeon hisses at him, ”how you said it's like he's two people at once, how scared you were that he was going to hurt you.” He pauses. ”Do I really have to go on?”
”No, you don't,” Jaehwan says, squeezing his eyes shut in disgust instead of covering his ears. ”We worked things out between us, so why are you bringing that up now?”
They stare at each other. In the silence, Jaehwan realizes how long it's been since they last had a real fight.
”It's scary,” Hakyeon admits in the end, ”seeing you like this. Will you cut me out of your life, too? If I say I don't like Wonshik?”
Jaehwan's eyes cast down. He's not sure when things started hurting so much, and he wishes he was with Wonshik, where he can forget about all of this. ”No, of course not... Just, don't talk about him like that. I'm happy with him. It makes me sad to hear you call him crazy.”
”Okay,” Hakyeon agrees. But he doesn't apologize, which to Jaehwan can only mean he doesn't regret what he said or take it back in any way. Though it hurts him, that will have to do for now. ”It's not just him, you know.”
”What?”
”He's not the only one who acts like he has two personalities,” Hakyeon clarifies. ”You're starting to act that way, too.”
Jaehwan stares. ”He's not a bad person,”
Hakyeon gives him a look, but he doesn't reply.
Jaehwan and Hakyeon wordlessly agree not to talk about Wonshik at all. It's easier that way. But a few weeks later, when Jaehwan is at Hakyeon's place as per usual, playing video games, he realizes how much that has changed their relationship. Knowing that there's something they can't talk about because it would harm their friendship has made it harder for either of them to talk to each other, and as soon as silence falls between them it turns tense, both too aware of the things they aren't saying. Jaehwan lives on the hope that it will get better, because while he doesn't want to lose Wonshik, he's not sure he can live without Hakyeon either.
Their awkwardness peaks when Jaehwan's phone rings while they're playing games. One look between the two of them says they both know it's Wonshik calling, and they both know it annoys Hakyeon to no end. Jaehwan picks up nevertheless, presses the phone to his ear with his shoulder while he keeps playing the football game with Hakyeon.
”Hello?”
”Hi,” Wonshik's voice greets him. ”What are you doing?”
”Uh, I'm at Hakyeon's,” he replies, glancing a little at the other, who keeps his eyes locked on the television. ”I told you that.”
”Yeah, I know. I was just in town and I was wondering if we could go to a café or something.”
Jaehwan clears his throat. ”Love, I'm with Hakyeon.” He feels strangely self-conscious, like he doesn't want Hakyeon to hear even the slightest, smallest little argument between himself and Wonshik. He just wants to prove him wrong.
”I know,” Wonshik says, not bothered in the slightest.
”So, I don't know, maybe we can go later.”
”But Jaehwan,” Wonshik whines, ”I need you. I need you now.”
Jaehwan begins to feel nervous. ”What for?”
”I just do. Will you come?”
”Love, I can't.”
Wonshik sighs. ”Fine. I'll just go see Sanghyuk then.”
Jaehwan blinks. ”Who?”
”Sanghyuk.”
”I don't know who that is.”
”Nah, you've never met him,” Wonshik says casually. ”I met him at the bar the other day.”
”What? You've been to the bar?” Jaehwan notices that Hakyeon gives him a look out of the corner of his eye, but tries to ignore it even as his ears start to feel warm.
”Yeah,” Wonshik says coldly. ”Why? You can see your friends but I can't?”
Jaehwan swallows heavily. He hates the feeling that grows in his stomach, like he's just been stabbed. ”No, you... you can.”
”Good. Then I'll do that. See you around.”
”No, wait,” Jaehwan hurries, standing up from the couch. ”I'll... I'll come. Just don't... don't go meet that Sanghyuk guy.” Hakyeon sighs, pausing the game and quitting immediately.
”Great! I'll come to your place then.” With that, Wonshik hangs up, and Jaehwan stands with his shoulders slouching in Hakyeon's living room.
”I'm sorry,” he says, but Hakyeon gets up too, shaking his head.
”Don't be. I figured this would happen.”
”I just... I think something is up,” he says, tries to explain, wants so badly for Hakyeon to be wrong.
”Yeah, no, I get it,” Hakyeon says, turning off his TV. ”He's upset, right?”
Jaehwan doesn't know what to say, so he settles for not replying at all. ”I have to go.”
”Jaehwan, is everything okay?” Hakyeon asks then. ”Do you want me to walk you anywhere?”
Jaehwan stares at him in surprise. He feels bad, then, for forgetting that they're friends, that they're best friends and that they always have been. They're supposed to look out for each other. Even so, he shakes his head. ”No, it's okay. Thanks, though.”
He leaves feeling more guilty and heavy than he has in a long time, and he doesn't know who to blame it on anymore.
Wonshik seems completely normal when they meet up at Jaehwan's apartment. A little tense, maybe, a little unnatural in his expressions, but the threatening, cold tone he used on the phone has vanished already.
”What are your plans for dinner?” Wonshik asks as they go inside and remove their shoes. ”Because I was thinking, unless you had planned something else, we could go out to eat. Sanghyuk told me about this place down by the docks that's supposed to be great.”
”Wonshik,” Jaehwan interrupts, ”why did you call me here?”
Wonshik stops dead in his tracks and turns around to face Jaehwan. ”I wanted to see you.”
”But I was busy, Wonshik,” Jaehwan says. ”I was with Hakyeon. You said you needed me.”
”I do need you,” Wonshik confirms, and his posture seems to grow heavier by the moment.
”Well, what for?”
The younger closes the distance between them, wrapping his arms around him. ”I need you... to fuck me.”
Jaehwan shakes his head. ”What?”
”Yes,” Wonshik says, placing a wet kiss next to his ear. It quickly grows cold. ”I need you to fuck me, so that I won't have to slice my wrists.”
Jaehwan pushes him away by his shoulders. ”What?”
”What?” Wonshik repeats. ”Haven't you ever felt that way? Like you just need... a rush?”
Jaehwan shakes his head again. Wonshik's eyes suddenly seem a little darker, his breath a little more ragged. ”Why would you... Wonshik, what are you talking about?”
”Just forget about it, it's not important,” the younger replies, pulling Jaehwan closer again. ”Just fuck me, and it won't matter.” He attaches his lips to Jaehwan's jaw, but Jaehwan pushes him away again, stunned and appalled.
”No,” he says, firmer this time, slapping away Wonshik's hands that are already tugging on his shirt. ”What are you doing?”
”No?” Wonshik repeats. ”Then, should I fuck you?”
Not until now does Jaehwan start feeling truly afraid. ”No,” he says, tightening his hold on Wonshik's hands. ”Stop it. You're scaring me.”
”Come on, Jaehwan,” Wonshik pries on before kissing him hard on the mouth. ”Come on, help me with this. You don't want me to get hurt, do you, love?”
”Of course not,” Jaehwan breathes. ”But this...”
”It'll be good,” Wonshik tells him. ”You know it will be. It always is with us, so come on now, Jaehwan, just fuck me.” He makes a questioning sound at the back of throat when he starts backing them towards the couch, and when Jaehwan doesn't complain, he throws himself down on it on his back, dragging Jaehwan along with him. ”That's it,” Wonshik encourages him, throwing his arms around his neck before kissing him deeply, just like on the night they first met, only this time Jaehwan is on top, kissing back with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands trembling on Wonshik's thighs.
Jaehwan pulls away. ”No, I'm sorry, I can't do this.”
Wonshik snorts in frustration. ”Why? Why can't you?”
”Because this is all so fucked up!” Jaehwan yells, unable to stop himself, his hand coming up to wipe at his mouth as if it would help him get the memory of their last kiss out of his head. ”You just said you'd hurt yourself if I don't sleep with you, don't you see how fucked up that is?”
Wonshik pulls himself to the edge of the couch. ”Yeah? It's fucked up that I ask you to help distract me when I feel like shit? Is it fucked up to ask your own boyfriend for support?”
”But it's-” Jaehwan splutters, but before he has managed to find the words, Wonshik has jumped up from the couch and walked right past him.
”That's fine, I get it,” he hisses. ”I guess I was right the first time. You don't care. And you know what? That's fine, because I can just go see Sanghyuk.” He glares at Jaehwan over his shoulder, and Jaehwan runs after him out into the hallway. ”Or I could just go throw myself in front of a bus on my way there. That works too. And I guess it's all the same to you.”
”Wonshik,” Jaehwan calls desperately, watching him put his shoes on.
”No, don't touch me,” Wonshik says, pulling his hand away as Jaehwan reaches out to stop him from leaving. ”Fuck you, you made your choice. Don't follow me.”
He slams the door behind him, and Jaehwan is stuck between colliding thoughts; he should run after Wonshik and stop him, because an argument is nothing compared to suicide, or he should stay where he is and let Wonshik cool down, because he just needs to get away from Jaehwan, Jaehwan is the one who sets him off and as long as they're apart everything will be okay.
He sinks down on the floor, quivering as he brings his hand up to feel the cold sweat on his forehead. The scene that just took place in his living room plays out in his head over and over, and the few minutes it lasted seem to drag on forever, Wonshik's hurried lips pressing against his own, suddenly feeling so wrong and invasive, and his hands around his neck, like they were on that night with Taekwoon, when they closed off his airways and slammed him into the floor.
He doesn't know how much time that passes until his thoughts clear up enough for him to remember Hongbin, but when he does, he hurries to pull his phone out of his pocket and call him, not sparing any room for embarrassment or nervousness. They haven't spoken since the night at the bar, and Jaehwan thought he would never have to revisit the place inside of him that holds the memory of Hongbin.
”Hello?”
”Hongbin,” Jaehwan croaks. There are tears running down his cheeks again, he realizes. ”Hi, it's Jaehwan. Listen, I'm sorry for calling, but it's about Wonshik.”
Hongbin keeps silent for a moment. ”What about Wonshik?”
”H-he said some really worrying things just now,” Jaehwan explains, holding back his sobs and whimpers.” About h-hurting himself and... killing himself. He left just-just now.”
”What?” Hongbin repeats. ”Left where?” He sounds worried, but not paralyzed, which is a relief to Jaehwan's heart.
”He said he was going to see some Sanghyuk guy,” Jaehwan replies, ”or k-kill himself on the way.”
Hongbin exhales sharply. ”Alright, I'll call him. And I'll call Sanghyuk just to be sure. Let me know if he comes back or contacts you in any way, okay?”
”Okay,” Jaehwan agrees. ”Let me know if you find him?”
”Of course. But Jaehwan... You have to help me.”
”Help you?”
”I've been trying to convince him for months to get some help,” Hongbin tells him. ”He gets these moments, moments like this where he's so controlled by his emotions that he thinks clearly. And when he comes to his senses later, he's going to regret everything he has said and done so much that it'll tear him apart. You have no idea how many nights I've spent comforting him when he has done stuff he regretted later.”
Jaehwan sniffles. ”Really?”
”Yes. I convinced him to set up a meeting with a psychiatrist, but he keeps saying he won't go. He doesn't listen to me alone, but if you helped me, maybe we could get him to go, just once, so that he'll see there are people that can help him with this.”
”I-” Jaehwan tries, but it's harder than ever to find the words. He wants to help Wonshik, of course he does, but he can still feel the other's hands on him, and in all honesty he wants to stay as far away from him as he possibly can. ”I mean, I can try? As long as you're there too.”
”Thank you,” Hongbin breathes. ”Alright, I'll keep you updated.”
He hangs up and leaves Jaehwan lying there on the floor, exhausted. He wishes so badly that he would never have left Hakyeon's apartment, that he would have stayed with him and listened to his warnings, because now it feels like something has broken inside of him and he's not sure how to go back to being the person he was before. Perhaps it's better if he doesn't.
It's almost a month later until they see each other again. They're standing outside the entrance to the hospital, and it's another warm day, only this one is a little more cloudy and not nearly as enjoyable. Hongbin is standing down on the parking lot in the distance, smoking. He's probably nervous, Jaehwan thinks. He probably has every reason to be. And it's not like Jaehwan himself is very composed, if the way his voice comes out in high-pitched squeaks is anything to go by.
Wonshik stands in front of him, crying helplessly. People that pass them look away as soon as they see his tears, and Jaehwan feels bad for him, wishes they could be anywhere else for this, but they're still twenty minutes early for Wonshik's appointment, and Jaehwan isn't supposed to come inside.
”I'm so sorry,” Wonshik sobs. ”For everything.”
Jaehwan grinds his teeth and stops himself from saying 'it's okay'. It's not. And it won't be for a long time. ”You need help, and you're about to get it. That's the only thing you can do to make it better, Wonshik.”
Jaehwan told him straight-forwardly before they met that he didn't want Wonshik to touch him, and he's standing by his promise. He keeps his gaze locked at Jaehwan's shoes, and his arms hang limply by his sides. ”I really do love you, you know,” he chokes out, and Jaehwan nods.
”I know. I know you do.”
”I wanted to keep loving you the way I did when it was good,” Wonshik cries. ”Because it was good sometimes, wasn't it?”
”It was.”
Wonshik nods, more tears spilling over his cheeks. ”But then I got so scared that you would disappear that I just... I didn't know what I was doing.”
”There's nothing to explain,” Jaehwan says simply, maybe because he doesn't feel like he has any comfort to offer the person who ridded him of his own security. ”I already understand.”
And he does, to some degree. He doesn't know exactly what it is in Wonshik's brain that causes him to lose control, but once he learns the appropriate word for it, he's sure it'll all make sense.
Wonshik falls silent, wiping at the tears on his cheeks. Finally, he looks up, and the look in his eyes makes Jaehwan want to break their eyecontact, but he strains himself to be strong, just this once. ”Do you think... if I manage to get better quickly... there's a chance we could..?”
Jaehwan smiles sadly. ”Go inside, listen to what they tell you, and focus on getting better for your own sake.”
”Right,” Wonshik sighs. ”I can do that.” He looks towards the doors. ”I guess I should get going.”
Jaehwan nods. ”Yeah. You should.”
Maybe because there's nothing more to say, or maybe because Wonshik doesn't want to say goodbye, he walks away like that, without another word. ”Good luck,” Jaehwan says, and Wonshik turns around, looking like he might say something, maybe apologize again, or tell him he loves him one last time, but he merely gives him a smile before he disappears through the doors.
When he's gone, it's a relief to Jaehwan's heart. He turns around and walks away immediately, waving to Hongbin as he passes the parking lot and hurries down the street.
Yes, Wonshik has issues. Does that make him unworthy of love? Of course not, but Jaehwan isn't prepared to give up his own stability to help somebody else feel a little more secure. Not anymore, he isn't. Not even if it would help him feel less alone.
He doesn't want to become the person that strikes others like lightning.
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