11: Only Good Memories
Title: Only Good Memories
Pairing: Chabean
Rating: PG-15
Genre: AU, angst, romance, songfic: 박효신 - 야생화
Summary: Once in a blue moon, two people grasp each other's hands and walk through the battle with their own minds to come out on the other side together.
Wordcount: 6,849
Warnings: Mental illness
Do you know what the hardest thing about a relationship with a mentally ill person is?
There's a saying about depression: If you allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring very fast. The same is true about romances with people who are just waiting to self-destruct. Once you've fought each battle - each moment that feels like it will never end, every vague comment that results in a waken night filled with tears and anxiety, every time they scream and yell but you can't quite tell if they're yelling at you or simply yelling for the sake of it - and you realize, at the end of the day, winning those battles doesn't mean ending the war. No, because ending the war means ending them.
It is rarely a step-by-step journey. You go to bed one night thinking you've helped them sort out the mess in their head, only to wake up the next morning to find that there was an even bigger mess hidden underneath. And it doesn't get easier. It never stops hurting. In order to survive you numb yourself down until you're so disconnected from the person you used to love that you realize: Wait a minute, this isn't my battle, and I can walk away.
As unromantic and bleak as it sounds, that is the way the story plays out. We know this. But look on the bright side; the broken, hopeless person you leave behind will finally realize that their existence does not depend on you. They can get by on their own. In fact, they have no choice but to.
What's more is... Sometimes that is not at all how it goes. Sometimes, once in a blue moon, you both come out together on the other side, hands clasped tight as you raise them towards the sky to show the world that you won. And when you look back, you take in the path you've travelled so far, and you spit over your shoulder, as if to say: ”You tried, but we made it. We're both here, we beat you. Fucking suck it.”
Once in a blue moon.
Hakyeon stands on the beach, just by the shoreline, pushing his toes deeper into the cooling sand. The sun is just about to disappear by the horizon, and the cold is starting to creep into his skin after a long day in the sunlight. There are no people here, and everything is silent apart from the sounds of the waves crawling up on the shore, repetitive and cleansing.
It makes Hakyeon want to sing. He loves being here, he's always loved being here, and it's been a while since he last had the chance to come. Today is a special occasion, however, and this morning he felt like he practically had no choice, no other place he could possibly go than here.
Arms encircle him from the back. Goosebumps rise on his skin, both from the impending cold and the slight shock of being touched, but he relaxes quickly, leaning back into the warm body embracing his.
”Aren't you cold?” Hongbin asks, pressing a small kiss to Hakyeon's neck. The older of the two feels his eyes flutter shut.
”Kind of.”
Hongbin huffs. ”Told you you should have brought a jacket.”
Chuckling, Hakyeon places his hands on top of Hongbin's. ”You be my jacket tonight.”
Hongbin tightens his hold on him, humming softly. ”I can do that.”
They stand together, Hongbin's head resting on Hakyeon's shoulder, and neither of them say a word for long minutes that make them both stronger. If such a thing is at all possible by now; if they aren't just statues made of stone, undefeatable.
Hongbin shifts behind him when his limbs start numbing. He withdraws his arms, instead placing his hands on Hakyeon's shoulders. ”Hyung,” he says, ”what are you thinking of?”
Hakyeon smiles, shrugging. ”Everything.”
”Everything, all at once?” Hongbin stands on his tiptoes, hooking his arms around Hakyeon's neck and hanging off his shoulders. ”Must be very busy in here,” he adds, leaning his head against Hakyeon's.
Laughing, the older shakes his head. ”No, I'm just... I'm just thankful.”
Hongbin pauses for a moment, listening to the sound of the waves. ”For what?”
”Everything.” Hakyeon shrugs again.
”Everything? Even the panic attacks?”
”Even the panic attacks,” he confirms. He's staring out towards the sea, but his focus is not on calm waters or the gradually darkening, pink sky, or even on Hongbin's warm chest pressed against his back. Scenarios play out in his head like fairytales, as if they're not from his own memories, but from movies he watched growing up. ”I'm just so thankful for everything that has happened, because it has led me here and allowed me to feel what I'm feeling right now,” he says, and tears replace the words in his throat.
Hongbin's arms slide off his shoulders, and Hakyeon turns around to face him. The younger's fingers find his hair, brushing through his fringe, and Hakyeon no longer closes his eyes at the contact. ”I'm sorry for being a sucky boyfriend who can't express himself well,” Hongbin says, though it tugs at Hakyeon's heart it's a fight for another day. ”Even though it's hard for me to say it, you know that I'm proud of you, right?”
Hakyeon nods with a smile. ”I know.” And it's true; Hongbin is anything but quiet, but he tends to keep the most important things inside. He was never like that when they were younger, but it happened gradually as they grew up. Perhaps some of it is Hakyeon's fault, for being so weak that Hongbin had to mind his words very carefully.
Hongbin returns his smile, but it looks sad when it graces his features. ”I've watched you struggle now for so many years,” he says, his voice shaking a little, like it always does when he strains to say what he really feels. ”I know I wasn't there from the beginning, but I saw you at your lowest point. Right?”
”Right,” Hakyeon nods. ”Saw me, heard me, yelled at me, did everything for me.”
Hongbin seems relieved at his playful tone, but quickly returns to his serious expression. ”I watched you take your first staggering steps towards recovery. And I saw you regain your balance, pick up your pace and start running.” His eyes follow his own fingers through Hakyeon's hair, seemingly too embarrassed to meet his gaze as he speaks. Hakyeon has no such shame, but looks up into Hongbin's avoiding eyes, tears brimming in his own. ”You've been so fucking brave, hyung,” Hongbin finishes, hands sliding down to his shoulders. ”And I'm so glad you allowed me to see it happen, to be here with you through it all.”
Hakyeon takes Hongbin's hands off his shoulders, holding them up between their chests and linking their fingers. His throat is clogged with unshed tears, and the gratefulness keeps rising; gratefulness for these feelings, these magical, peaceful feelings he never knew existed. As he can't speak, he leans in and kisses Hongbin, holding his hands tightly and wishing for time to stop right here, right now, because he is happier than he has ever been in his life.
There are tears in Hongbin's eyes when they pull apart, but Hakyeon's has spilled over his cheeks already. ”Thank you,” Hakyeon whispers, neglecting to wipe his own tears in favor of cupping Hongbin's face. ”Thank you.”
The sheer force of it all is overwhelming, and Hakyeon knows there is nothing he can do to express it all. So he takes comfort in the knowledge that from now on, he can be to Hongbin what Hongbin has been to him for so many years. He can play the biggest role in Hongbin's happiness and make sure that he gets to feel all the things Hakyeon has been privileged to experience. Honestly, he can't wait for tomorrow - for their lives to start for real.
”You won,” Hongbin tells him. ”You made it.” Hakyeon laughs and more tears fall with his movements, but Hongbin's hand is there, like so many times before, wiping them away before they've had a chance to grow cold. ”So...” Hongbin starts then. ”What now?”
Hakyeon smiles, unable to stop it from spreading over his lips at the thought of all the times he has asked Hongbin that same question, and all the times the younger has blinked in response, fighting to come up with a solution, with something to say that would calm Hakyeon down, just for the moment.
”Now,” Hakyeon says, wrapping his arms around Hongbin's neck. ”Now we live.”
They kiss again, with Hongbin's arms around Hakyeon's waist in a secure hold. Hakyeon only has space in his mind for the hope that Hongbin knows one thing: that from now on, things will be different. From now on, it will be Hakyeon and Hongbin together, not Hongbin dragging Hakyeon along and hoping for the best. From now on, they will be happy.
When everything has passed, it's easier to only remember the happy memories. Hakyeon doesn't like thinking about the time that led up to their relationship, all the insecurity and the endless doubts - but one of their earliest memories is also one of his favorites. It was the first time Hakyeon started wondering if maybe he didn't need to go through this alone, that maybe there was someone out there who wouldn't mind keeping him company while he sorted himself out.
”Hyung, come on,” Hongbin whined, much younger and much more thoughtless than now, as he chased after Hakyeon down the street. ”What's it going to take for you to believe me?”
Hakyeon shook his head and kept on walking. ”It's not about that, Hongbin.”
”So you do believe me?” Hongbin jumped ahead, standing right in front of him and blocking his way.
Hakyeon glared at him, but reluctantly nodded. ”Kind of. I mean, maybe.”
Hongbin looked like an excited puppy at the words, before he seemed to realize what they indicated. ”But you... You don't feel the same, I guess?”
Hakyeon bit down on the inside of his lip. Hongbin's posture changed as his confidence evaporated, and Hakyeon wanted to scream out a thundering yes, I do. ”I... I don't know...”
”Yeah, you do,” Hongbin argued, daring taking a small step closer. He still appeared unsure, but perhaps he didn't want to give up on Hakyeon quite so easily. ”If you don't think of me that way, just tell me, and I'll stop bothering you.”
Hakyeon stared, unable to do anything else. He could never bring himself to say those words, not when the past few months had consisted of him constantly being torn between the desperate hope that Hongbin felt the same and the irrational but unstoppable fear of what would happen if that did come true.
”Hyung,” Hongbin tried again. ”Do you like me? Even just a little bit?”
Hakyeon nodded wordlessly, bracing himself for whatever was to come. He couldn't bear facing the smile, wide and bashful, that took over Hongbin's face, so he kept his eyes glued somewhere along his collarbone instead.
”Then what's the problem? Why are you running from me? Don't you trust me?”
”It's not about that,” Hakyeon replied, voice small, as it always was, back then. ”There are just... some things... that would make this difficult.”
Hongbin wouldn't let himself be discouraged. ”Well, whatever it is, we can work something out, I know we can,” he insisted, hands coming up to reach for Hakyeon, but stopping in mid-air, arms nervously hanging there without purpose. ”Just- just tell me.”
Hakyeon hesitated, looking up and down the street, partially to stall and buy himself some time. The block was mostly empty, but he felt self-conscious nonetheless. ”We should go somewhere,” he said, and his own words made him cold; they must mean he had finally decided that Hongbin deserved to know. Which, indeed, he did. After all the kindness he had shown Hakyeon, he deserved to know.
”Where?” Hongbin asked, hopeful glint in his eyes.
”I don't know.” Hakyeon stuffed his hands in his pockets.
”A café or something?”
”A café works,” Hakyeon said. ”Purple coffee?”
”Sounds perfect,” Hongbin replied, and they set off together. Somewhere along the way, it occurred to Hakyeon that this might be their first date, and looking back now, he thinks that's where he lost the last of his resistance to Hongbin. The thought of the younger being his was too hard to withstand.
”So tell me,” Hongbin said once they were seated in a corner of the café, each with their own steaming cup of coffee.
Hakyeon pressed his fingers against his mug until they burned, then withdrawing them, repeating the action over and over again to calm his senses. ”It's- it's not that easy for me to say.”
”Hey,” Hongbin said, crouching his back to try and catch Hakyeon's eyes. ”You have nothing to worry about, okay? I'm here for you.”
Hakyeon tried to smile, but all he could manage was a grimace. ”I'm... Yeah, okay. I...”
”Whatever it is, you don't have to agonize over it alone. We like each other, right?” Hongbin questioned, a tilted smile on his face. Hakyeon nodded, cheeks burning at the admission. ”So it will be our battle, not yours alone, hyung.”
Hakyeon wanted to argue with that, but he realized it wouldn't get them anywhere. The only way to get Hongbin to understand that he was wrong was to tell him the truth. So, he took a deep breath, staring down into his mug.
”Here's the thing,” he said slowly. ”I... suffer from something called depersonalization.”
Hongbin blinked at him, wide-eyed. ”Deper-what?”
”Depersonalization,” Hakyeon repeated, heart racing and palms sweating with nervousness.
Hongbin blinked at him again. ”What is that?”
”It's, uh...” Hakyeon swallowed heavily. ”It's hard to explain.”
”Well, please try.”
Fidgeting in his seat, Hakyeon took a sip of too-hot coffee. At least the burn brought him back to reality a little, even if it also brought inconvenient tears to his eyes. ”It means... It means you never feel like anything is real, like you're living in a dream.” He paused, looking up at Hongbin, who looked no wiser from the explanation. He cleared his throat. ”Like when you've gone through something traumatic, and you're in shock. You're just going through the motions, like you're not present in your own body but just watching yourself... go through the motions.”
Hongbin was observing him carefully, brow furrowed and eyes uncomprehending. ”I... see.”
Hakyeon leaned back in his chair. ”I told you, I can't explain it. I'm sorry if it sounds fucked up, but... it is.”
”No,” Hongbin cut in. ”No, it doesn't sound fucked up, and you explained it well, I just can't imagine what it must be like.”
”It's a defense mechanism,” Hakyeon said, relieved to have some way to explain it that didn't make him sound insane. ”In your brain, when you've gone through too much emotional stress. To shield you from anxiety, your brain goes into a state of shock and stays there.”
”For how long?”
”For some people, all their lives.”
Hongbin nodded, eyes wide. ”And how long has it been for you?”
”Four years.”
”Four years?” Hongbin repeated, mouth falling open. ”Constantly?”
”Constantly.”
Hongbin shook his head, seemingly to clear his thoughts. ”Jesus, hyung, I'm really sorry.” He paused, frowning again. ”What set it off for you?”
Hakyeon looked away, arms automatically crossing over his stomach, and Hongbin pursed his lips.
”I'm sorry. That's a private question, I shouldn't have asked.”
Sighing, Hakyeon stared down into the table. ”I don't think I've had much of a harder life than anyone else,” he said slowly. ”Nothing happened to me, if that's what you're asking. There was just... a period of time when I was very... afraid, and anxious. I think some people are more sensitive to stress, or run a higher risk of developing depersonalization than others do.”
Hongbin nodded slowly, and Hakyeon had to admit that he was impressed by how well he seemed to be taking it. ”So what will you do?” the younger asked. ”How do you cure it?”
Hakyeon smiled at him. ”You don't.”
”What?”
”There is no cure.”
”But...” Hongbin tried, voice shrinking. ”You've seen a doctor about it, right?”
”Yes,” Hakyeon nodded. ”The doctors don't know what to do about it. They have no treatment to offer.”
”But there has to be something, right? Something I can do to help you deal with it?”
Hakyeon smiled wider, grabbing his mug again and taking comfort in it's warmth as he held against his chest. ”There's no cure, but there are a few things you can do to ease some of the symptoms.”
”Alright, shoot,” Hongbin said, gesturing with his hands for Hakyeon to go on.
”Well, there's... getting a lot of sleep and getting up early.”
”Sleep, check,” Hongbin replied. ”I will call you every day at 7am sharp.”
”Not that early,” Hakyeon laughed. ”That's inhuman. Then there's... exercise.”
Hongbin snapped his fingers. ”We'll go for a run every day.”
Hakyeon laughed again. ”You're on your own there.”
”A walk,” Hongbin corrected himself. ”I meant to say go for a walk.”
Hakyeon couldn't help but return his warm, wide smile. ”Then there's... no junk food. No candy, no alcohol, drugs or soda.”
”Okay, so a special diet,” Hongbin nodded. ”I'll join you in your depersonal- your deper- shit, I really can't say it.”
Hakyeon had to put his coffee back down on the table in fear of spilling it all over himself as he laughed. ”Depersonalization,” he said slowly. ”Come on, you can do it.”
Hongbin's hand covered his where it rested on the table, warm and secure. ”Give me time.”
Hakyeon's life was, from that moment on and for years to come, a series of accidents which Hongbin saved him from. Not the dramatic kind of accident, no, but when all you want to do is lie down and close your eyes, either to die or just fall asleep, everything else that happens turns into accidents. Quiet, humiliating accidents.
Such as panicking in the middle of a crowded school corridor.
”We should get to class, it starts in 5,” Hongbin said, getting up from the bench they had been sitting at for the past half hour. Hakyeon didn't understand how the younger hadn't noticed, but Hakyeon was drowning within himself that day. He was having a particularly horrible day, where he felt like he was sinking deeper, growing further away from the surface of his own consciousness, as if soon, he would be too far gone to function, leaving his body an empty shell while his soul lay within him in a lifeless pile. Perhaps he would go insane. Perhaps his body would remain active, moving, but on auto-pilot, with someone else taking control of him while Hakyeon stayed unmoving in the passenger seat of his head.
All of it was confusing and difficult to explain, even to himself, but it boiled down to one thing: he did not want to go to class.
”It's geography for you, right?” Hongbin said, extended his hand for Hakyeon to take. ”I'll walk you there.”
”That's okay,” Hakyeon said weakly. ”You go. You'll be late otherwise.”
He felt sick, nauseous, hot with a fever, and Hongbin's heavy gaze on him did not help matters. ”Are you alright?”
”Fine,” Hakyeon insisted.
”You sure?”
Hakyeon glared at up at him. ”Fine enough that I don't need you to walk me to class. Just go, okay?”
”Hyung,” Hongbin said impatiently, sitting down next to him. ”You told me, remember? You can tell me if you're not feeling well.”
Hakyeon felt it coming only a few seconds before it hit. He wasn't new to panic attacks, even if they only struck him in his most stressed out, vulnerable moments - he'd been feeling very vulnerable during those four years that had passed. Suddenly it felt hard for him to breathe, and he felt his eyes open wide, staring ahead without fully seeing, and Hongbin's hand landed on his shoulder. He wanted to speak, and though he probably still had the ability, more than anything he couldn't think of anything at all to say, but the way his breaths came out in shallow exhales spoke for itself.
”Hyung, what's wrong?” Hongbin asked, inching closer to him on the bench.
”Can't breathe,” Hakyeon panted. ”Can't breathe.”
Hongbin's hand found the back of his head, pulling him closer. ”Do you want to go outside? Get some fresh air?”
Hakyeon found himself clutching at Hongbin's shirt, not knowing what else to do. ”Class...”
Hongbin shook his head. ”Don't be ridiculous. Do you want to go?”
Hakyeon nodded, all of a sudden afraid that he might faint. A moment later, Hongbin pulled him up from the bench, arm around his waist to steady him as they walked towards the door. Normally too conscious of other people, Hakyeon felt like he couldn't see them when they walked, and even if he did, he couldn't process the sight of them in his mind. The only reason why he trusted Hongbin's presence was the constant, forceful press of his fingers into his ribs, and he closed his eyes, letting the rest of the world fall away, allowing Hongbin to take control and guide him away from the eye of the storm.
He stood on all fours on the asphalt outside of school, not entirely sure how he ended up there. But Hongbin was there still, one hand on the small of his back, mumbling sweet nothings like everything will be alright and I am here for you, as if any of those things would make any difference, as if Hakyeon wasn't ultimately alone with nothing but his own racing thoughts that ran him over with promises of madness and ruin.
”What's going on here?”
Sweat was running down his face, and he felt it even clearer once he understood there was a third person in their company. Staring back, he saw one of their teachers standing there watching them with a telling frown on his face, and Hakyeon immediately tried his hardest to silence his own panting, feeling the world swirling in front of his eyes.
”He's sick,” came Hongbin's voice. ”He told me felt like he was going to throw up, so I think he has the stomach flu or something.”
”Shouldn't you take him to the school nurse?”
”Look at him, he might throw up at any moment. Seems better to stay out here until he does throw up or feel better.”
”I suppose. Will you make sure he gets home safely afterwards? I'll write a note for your teacher.”
”Uhm, sure. I'm supposed to be in history right now.”
”I'll take care of it.”
”Thanks.”
”Hyung.” Hongbin kneeled on the ground next to him. ”Should I take you home?”
”I can't go home,” Hakyeon said, shaking his head. His breathing was slowly starting to return to normal. ”My parents will want to know why I'm out of class and I just- I can't-”
”Okay,” Hongbin hurried. ”Then let's go somewhere else.”
”Like where?” Hakyeon asked, staring up the younger. He felt disgusting, sweaty and worn out with tears burning in the corners of his eyes, and he had some space left in his heart to be afraid that seeing him like this would scare Hongbin off, but the other's hand remained firm on his back.
”I have an idea,” he said, smiling reassuringly. ”Do you want to go?”
Eventually, Hakyeon nodded. His own mind was so empty, that when traces of Hongbin started seeping in, it took him over fully.
Hongbin brought him to the beach. It wasn't a place that held special meaning to either of them at that point; because of its promiximity to school they had visited there just about twentyfive million times on field trips. Even so, it was a peaceful, quiet and empty place, as it would be in the beginning of May.
Hakyeon threw himself down on his back in the sand as soon as they got there, breathing deeply, eyes fixed on the cloudy sky above him. Finally it seemed the oxygen filled his lungs properly, and he forced thoughts to stay out of his mind, as he knew that the minute he allowed them to form, he would feel unbearably guilty about doing this to Hongbin.
”Feeling better?” the younger asked, standing above Hakyeon, peering down at him cautiously. Hakyeon nodded, grains of sand sneaking into his hair. ”Sorry about all of this.”
”You didn't tell me panic attacks are a part of depersonsonals- fuck.”
Hakyeon smiled, feeling like the tense mask that was his face finally cracked. ”It happens.”
Hongbin sat down in the sand, legs curled beneath him. ”Is there anything else I should know that 'happens'?”
Hakyeon glanced at him, trying to figure out whether or not his almost-boyfriend was angry with him. ”N-not that I can think of.”
”Okay,” Hongbin said seriously. ”I just don't want to have to visit you in the hospital one day and have you say 'oh, yeah, suicidal tendencies are part of deper-fuckall too, it happens'.”
”Hongbin,” Hakyeon interrupted, sitting up. ”You don't have to worry about that. I would never...”
Hongbin shook his head, reaching out to brush the sand off Hakyeon's face. ”I hope you mean that. After seeing you back there...” He trailed off, letting his hand fall back down.
”I'm sorry,” Hakyeon offered, and it was true. He was calming down, and the guilt was coming. ”But you were so calm, you handled it so well.”
”Are you kidding?” Hongbin said, staring at Hakyeon like he was mad. ”I was about to call 911 and let them handle it while my head exploded all over the wall.”
Hakyeon's eyes widened in surprise. ”Why?”
”Why?” Hongbin repeated. ”Because seeing you suffer is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, hyung, that's why. I've only known you for a few months, and yet...”
”Hongbin...” Hakyeon breathed, pulling himself closer to where Hongbin sat, staring down into the sand. ”I'm so sorry. But now you know, right? If this happens when you're around, you know that I just need to calm down and everything will be okay, alright?” Hongbin nodded, but still didn't meet Hakyeon's eyes. ”You're sweet, worrying about me, but you don't need to. I've dealt with this already for four years, you really don't have to worry.”
”It's just unfair,” Hongbin said firmly, finally looking up. ”That you should have to go through all this.”
Hakyeon shrugged. ”I've made my peace with it. Even if I don't know how to deal sometimes, I've come to terms with that this is how life is going to be for me. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better. It's okay.”
Hongbin stared at him thoughtfully. ”I don't believe that.”
”What?”
”That this is what life is going to be like for you. I think you're going to beat it.”
Hakyeon smiled, but shook his head. ”Hongbin, there's no way to beat it.”
”That we know of,” Hongbin insisted. ”But someday, I think there will be.” Hakyeon remained silent, suddenly realizing the sound of the waves behind him. It was sweet how Hongbin was convinced he could get through this, but in a way it reminded him of himself back in the first few months of his disorder. The hope of getting better faded with time, and it would for Hongbin, too, he was sure. Hongbin held his hand again, pushing them both further into the sand. ”I want to be there when you beat it,” he said seriously, without the shame he would learn to attach to his words in time.
Without a second thought, Hakyeon pushed Hongbin down into the sand, climbed on top of him and pressed their lips together firmly, the relief of their first kiss pulsating through them until the decay in Hakyeon's mind was replaced, if only for the moment, with a rush of all the affection for the younger man he had kept hidden since they first laid eyes on each other.
”I know it's hard,” Hakyeon said when they walked along the shoreline later, hand in hand. ”That was the reason why I didn't know if I could accept your feelings at first. And my own, for that matter.”
”It's hard,” Hongbin agreed, ”but not only because it's hard for you. This is not my battle, it's yours, hyung, so don't lose focus of what this is all about. The only way to make it easier for me, is for you to get better, you know?”
Hakyeon smiled, squeezing the other's hand in his. ”I don't know what I did to deserve you.”
Hongbin stopped walking, and Hakyeon stood in front of him, smiling wider as Hongbin's ears turned a bright shade of pink. ”You probably did something terrible in a past life,” he grinned.
Hakyeon glared at him. ”Do you want me to pummel you and push your face into the sand? 'Cause I'll do it.”
Hongbin pressed a quick peck to his lips before he let go of his hand. ”Good luck, love,” he said, before running away, sprinting along the shoreline for all he was worth. Hakyeon remained where he was standing for a moment, mouth slightly open in surprise, and took in the image of Hongbin's hair bouncing in the wind, and the deep footprints he left behind.
He wondered, for a fraction of a second, if it was possible to find happiness like this, before he hurried after his boyfriend, laughter falling from his lips when he realized he would never be able to catch up with him.
Picking out only the happy parts leaves Hakyeon with enormous holes in his story, but he's okay with that. He's done with thinking about the anxiety, the fear and the paralysis it caused in him. He gradually forgets about the times when he was too far gone to form a coherent thought and Hongbin wasn't around to save the day, because there's not much there to remember, either way. Neither does he want to remember the times when he became too overbearing, despite trying so hard not to let that happen, the times when it became too much for Hongbin and the younger ended up yelling and crying just as much as Hakyeon himself did. He has no space for those things in his heart anymore.
Hakyeon lay on his living room couch, blanket over his head, listening to the silence of his apartment. Truth to be told, the silence was just there to be heard, but Hakyeon couldn't recognize it, couldn't take it in. A year, more or less, was bound to have passed since the day on the beach, and despite Hongbin's sincere hopes, he was nowhere near beating his depersonalization - and he still didn't think he would ever be. Especially where he lay on the couch, closing his eyes, trying to trick himself into believing he was asleep, because staying awake in the body of a sleepwalker was too much to bear.
That was, until he heard his phone vibrating somewhere beside him on the couch.
He pulled it in underneath the blanket with him, squinting at the bright light from the screen that showed him Hongbin's message.
hey love, how are you doing?
Hakyeon was sure at this point Hongbin had developed some kind of depersonalization episode radar.
not good
An understatement, of course, but he was tired of being dramatic, and Hongbin would know what he meant. He knew that much.
how 'not good'? do you want me to call? what are you doing?
nothing. i'm lying on the couch cause i can't fucking function.
hyung, you need to get up and do something. you know that. go for a walk or drink some water, okay?
i can't.
will you get up and answer the door if i come over?
no
hyung...
it's unlocked. just come in when you're here.
Hakyeon knew that it wouldn't truly make a difference whether or not Hongbin was there - Hongbin couldn't wake his mind up any better than he could himself - but he still felt himself sigh in relief when he heard the front door open as Hongbin stepped through it. He didn't move, but kept the blanket wrapped around him, wanting nothing but to fall asleep, even as the sound of Hongbin's footfalls reached him and the couch dipped when he sat down.
”You've been binge watching Friends again, have you?” Hongbin said once his eyes fell on the DVDs spread across the table. Hakyeon made a noise of confirmation where he lay. ”Have you been outside today?” Hakyeon shook his head in response, and squeezed his eyes shut in horror when Hongbin lifted the blanket. ”What's that?” the younger said with a playful smile, and Hakyeon shook his head again.
”No, I haven't been outside.”
”Then we're going for a walk right now,” Hongbin said, pushing Hakyeon's messy fringe out of his face. ”Get up, let's go.”
”No,” Hakyeon groaned, shaking his head and crawling closer to the other, placing his head on his lap. ”No.”
”Yes, come on, you know you'll feel better if you do.”
”No, it's too late now. I'm already fucked. Sleep is the only option.”
Hongbin started playing with Hakyeon's hair affectionately. ”You want to sleep?”
”Yeah,” Hakyeon sighed. ”I'm sorry I made you come all the way here. You're free to leave again if you want.”
”No, that's fine,” Hongbin assured him. ”Take a nap if you want. But when you wake up, we're going for a walk, alright?”
Hakyeon wrapped an arm around Hongbin's back, pressing his face into his stomach. ”Thank you. I'm sorry, thank you.”
Hongbin simply hushed him, pushing his fingers through his hair once more. ”Go to sleep.”
Minutes later, Hakyeon was far gone.
And when he woke up again, Hongbin was asleep, too, with his head against the backrest in what looked like a very uncomfortable position. Hakyeon felt guilty again, it was starting to become part of his everyday routine, and for a moment, he merely lay there, unable to express even to his own mind how much he fucking loved the other man, who was always there for him, who gave up everything to help him.
Once he came to, he pulled himself up and climbed onto Hongbin's lap. The younger drew a deep breath and his head lolled to the side, but he showed no other signs of waking up, so Hakyeon began planting careful kisses to the places on Hongbin's neck that looked the most sore. Hongbin's arms suddenly wrapping around his middle was the only thing that told him the younger was awake, but he didn't stop his treatment until Hongbin let out a soft groan.
”You're awake,” Hongbin said when Hakyeon pulled back, head still resting on the couch and sleep still present in his eyes. ”Are you ready for that walk?”
Hakyeon kissed him hard on the lips in response. ”Screw the walk,” he breathed, ”I have another type of exercise in mind for us.”
Hongbin seemed hesitant, but the way he fisted the material of Hakyeon's shirt told him that they were indeed in for an intense work-out.
Picking out only the happy parts of a story, does that make it happier or sadder once you get to the end? Pretending like the times you were hurt, afraid or let down never happened, telling the story like you were always happy, always in love, protected and safe, just to be left with an abrupt, unexplainable hole where the story ends? Will you be happier if you remove all the signs that told you your story might in fact be coming to a close?
Once in a blue moon, two people grasp each other's hands and run through the swamp that is mental illness and come out on the other side together, that much closer to each other, that much more trusting, that much happier than they have ever been before.
But that, truly, is only once in a blue moon - and it goes without saying that Hakyeon never belonged to the lucky crowd.
He sits down in the sand, watching the sun set as well as he can through the thickening darkness. He is happy, yes, because he finally fought back and won against his demons. Even though it didn't happen the way he pictured it would, it did happen, and Hakyeon has no choice but to be endlessly thankful it did.
He just always pictured Hongbin there with him when he came out on the other side.
It's a horrible thing, remembering yourself the way you were when you were sick, when you didn't have full control over your actions (if that's something humans ever have; emotions seem like our disease from time to time). The Hakyeon that Hongbin was with until he finally had enough, until he couldn't deal with him anymore - that Hakyeon was irrational, moody, depressed and unenthustiastic, a truly toxic person who even Hakyeon himself would never have stayed with.
He is none of those things anymore. He has an unquenchable thirst for life now, a strong will to try everything his life has to offer him, and he wishes, above everything, that Hongbin could be there with him and see it. Try all those things with him. Allow Hakyeon to protect him, just like Hongbin protected him through all those years.
But he's not. He doesn't know that Hakyeon had his last therapy session last month before he was given a clean bill of health, and he doesn't know that Hakyeon is sitting on this beach now, happier and healthier than he has ever been before.
It's getting late, and Hakyeon should go home, but he can't. There's a question in his mind that stops him from moving. What would happen if Hongbin saw him now? If he saw how much more stable Hakyeon was, if he saw how independent he had become and how well he could take care of himself? Would he come back then, would he be willing to love Hakyeon again if he saw that everything that pulled them apart was gone?
They are useless questions, because Hakyeon is never going to ask. He isn't going to go back to someone who told him goodbye, because a closed door means don't come in in every language. Maybe, someday, if Hongbin decides to come back, all these questions will be answered. And until then, Hakyeon will get along on his own, because he knows that he can handle that now, and because he has no other choice.
He is happy, despite everything.
”Hyung... It's too hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”
”You're not sorry. Don't fucking apologize.”
”I don't think I'm helping you. Are you listening? I feel like I'm only holding you back.”
”Don't lie. That's not why you're leaving. It's not for my sake, it's for yours. Fucking liar.”
”I'm doing this for you.”
”This isn't going to make it better. I get to decide what's best for me, alright? So don't leave, just please, please don't leave, Hongbin, please, please...”
”I'm sorry, hyung, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.”
”I'm asking you, please-”
No, Hakyeon doesn't want to think of the sad parts of the story, so he doesn't. They are all in the past. He has won his battle, and he has come out on the other side, alone, but alive.
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