16: How are you?
Title: How are you?
Pairing: Navi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, psychological, slight angst, ??? songfic: Nell - 기억을 걷는 시간
Summary: Wonshik tries to make a break from living with the memories of Hakyeon in his mind, and instead fix their broken relationship.
Wordcount: 3,356
”Wait! Hold up, Wonshik, stop!”
Wonshik stops at the side of the road and turns around. He's a little annoyed, because the wind is nibbling at his skin through his shirt; he was too optimistic, putting on such a thin jacket so early in the spring. Even so, he watches with a smile as Hakyeon runs up to him.
”What now?” he says as the older finally reaches him, bending down with his hands on his knees to catch his breath.
”Have you thought this through?” Hakyeon asks, raising his head.
Wonshik sighs. ”We've been over this.”
”I know you've thought about it, that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if you've considered every possible outcome of what you're about to do, and if you're prepared to deal with it.”
Wonshik clicks his tongue as he turns around, continuing down the road. It is bathed in sunlight, and the trees on either side of him are dancing in the wind. ”If I were to consider every possible outcome, I'd still be thinking about it when I'm 71.”
”Maybe that's not such a bad thing,” Hakyeon pants, hurrying to catch up and walk by Wonshik's side. ”Ever thought of that?”
”We'll see what happens. I have to at least try.”
”What if he hates you?” Hakyeon questions, pushing a little at his arm.
Wonshik shrugs. ”If he does, then he does. This won't change that.”
”You'll be hurt, though,” Hakyeon points out. ”You've been hurt enough over the past year.”
Giving the other a pointed glare, Wonshik chews at his lip. ”You worry too much. Just relax. I didn't even ask you to go with me, you know.”
”No,” Hakyeon agrees, ”I'm going with you because you are totally unprepared.” Wonshik clicks his tongue again, annoyed. ”What are you going to do if he slams the door in your face?”
”I don't know,” Wonshik says honestly. ”If it happens, I'll take it from there.”
Hakyeon runs ahead, stopping in front of Wonshik and blocking his way. ”Try it with me once.”
”Come on,” Wonshik groans, but doesn't make to move past him. ”I hate roleplaying.”
”It's not really roleplaying, though, is it?” Hakyeon grins, too smug for Wonshik's liking. ”See it as... practice. The dress rehearsal.”
Wonshik looks around, sighing a little just for show. There's no one around as far as he can tell; only fields, forests and serene houses. Hakyeon looks at him, expectant, waiting. ”Alright, fine,” Wonshik agrees eventually. ”But this is silly. And pointless. There's no way of knowing how he's going to react, anyway.”
”Hush,” Hakyeon says, waving his hands at him. ”Get into character.”
Wonshik stares. ”I am the character, Hakyeon.”
”Method acting, very good,” Hakyeon nods in approval, and Wonshik feels like smacking him. ”Alright, so you've walked up to the front door, and you knock.”
Hakyeon stares back at him, and Wonshik knows he won't be happy until he hears a knock, so he rolls his eyes before hammering one of his fists against his other hand, which he holds up like a pretend door. Realizing that's his cue to enter, Hakyeon takes a few staggering steps backwards, before moving back again and opening an invisible door. His eyes are blank as he looks at Wonshik. ”Wonshik..?” he says, immersed in his role.
”Hi,” Wonshik replies, attempting a small smile. It's easier than he thought it would be to pretend this is real.
”What are you doing here?”
”I was hoping that we could talk.” He looks down as his nerves play up. ”Can I come in?”
Hakyeon chews on his lip while the wind toys with his hair. Wonshik holds back a sigh; there's something about Hakyeon in spring that makes him irrationally happy and calm. The sight before him is nothing short of a work of art, and though he knows it's impossible, he wishes he could immortalize it; burn it on the inside of his eyelids.
”No,” Hakyeon says. ”I don't want to talk. If you have something to say, you can say it right here.”
Wonshik nods, and is annoyed with himself when he can't help but feel hurt. This isn't even real, he tells himself, but his heart still beats faster in his chest in attempts to stop the ache from spreading. ”Okay.” He shifts, wishes he had something to lean against, because Hakyeon is quickly making him lose his balance.
”Well?”
”Uhm...” Wonshik tries, but anything he has planned to say before seems stupid and unimportant now. ”I miss you.”
”Yeah?” Hakyeon says, and the dead look in his eyes burns its way through Wonshik's clothes. ”You should have thought about that before you did what you did.”
”I fucked up,” Wonshik agrees. ”I know that. I've apologized, and I'll apologize no matter how many times it takes for you to forgive me, okay?”
”Not interested.” Hakyeon makes to close the invisible door.
”I fucked up,” Wonshik repeats, louder this time. ”But Hakyeon, you lied to me for months.”
The older freezes in his spot before slowly pushing the door open again. ”What did you say?”
”You hid your true feelings about our relationship for months. You had every opportunity to tell me the truth, but you never did.”
Hakyeon blinks rapidly, as if trying to comprehend the words is giving him a headache. ”Did you come here to tell me our break-up was my fault?”
Wonshik shakes his head with a small smile. ”No. But at least I got your attention now.” Hakyeon stares at him. ”But while we're at it, would you really feel so offended by that if there wasn't some truth in it?”
”If you're just here to make stupid jokes-” Hakyeon starts, but falls silent as he moves to close the door once more.
Wonshik hurries to close the distance between them and catches Hakyeon's wrist in his hand. ”Wait.”
”You've done enough damage,” Hakyeon pleads, trying to push his arm out of Wonshik's grip. ”Please, just leave.”
”You've always been my everything. Long before we were a couple.” The words stop Hakyeon from struggling, but they don't appear to change his heart. ”Our break-up shouldn't have to mean we can't be friends. I really do miss you, Hakyeon.” Tears clog up his voice as if on cue, and his voice breaks at the other's name.
Hakyeon's voice is small when he speaks again. ”You want to just... forget about the last three years I spent as your boyfriend?” His eyes widen in realization. ”Maybe you already have.”
”I couldn't,” Wonshik denies, tears now reaching his eyes. ”I just want you in my life. That's all I'm trying to say.”
Hakyeon sighs. ”You know what I want?”
”What?”
”I want to be kind to somebody without having them take me for granted afterwards,” Hakyeon spits, once again trying to pry Wonshik's hand off his wrist. ”I want to give my everything to the person I love and not have to feel like I'm not good enough when that person is still looking around for something more.”
Wonshik lets go of him. ”That's not what I...” He begins, but falls silent when he realizes his mistake.
”You say you're sorry,” Hakyeon says quietly, ”but you don't even know what you've done.”
”Listen,” Wonshik hurries. ”I know that what I did was fucked up. I know that now. And that means I will never, ever do it again. That has to count for something, doesn't it?”
Hakyeon looks down, shaking his head. ”You really don't get it. If you have to add 'again' at the end of that sentence, it's already too late. Once is enough. Once is too much.”
Hakyeon won't return his gaze. They stand opposite each other in the wind, neither knowing what to say. ”So... what? You're saying you'll never forgive me?” Wonshik reaches for words. ”Once mistake, and I'm out? After everything we had?”
Hakyeon finally looks up at him, his eyes clear and tearless. ”Yes,” he says. ”And I'm not going to apologize for it.” This time, Wonshik knows he's about to close the door before he has even tried, so he launches himself at the older man, holding onto his wrist for all he's worth.
”Wait,” he pants, struggling to keep his grip on Hakyeon as the other stumbles backwards.
”Wonshik, stop,” Hakyeon hisses at him, doing his utmost to escape from Wonshik's tightening fingers. ”Let go of me.” But Wonshik can't think clearly anymore; the thought of watching Hakyeon's door close and meeting their end like this makes him panic.
”We have to talk,” he grunts. ”You can't do this.”
Suddenly, Hakyeon stills. Wonshik stands in front of him, looking from his eyes down to his arm and back up again.
”You do realize this is the point where the neighbors would call the police, right?”
And with that, Wonshik remembers. This is not real. It is just the dress rehearsal. He lets go, ears heating up to the point where he thinks they must look like stoplights, and shoves his hands in his pockets. ”Yeah. Sorry. Got a bit carried away.”
”I don't blame you,” Hakyeon says with a laugh. ”I mean, wow. I never knew I had such a talent for acting!” He pulls a hand through his hair. ”Who's Kim Soohyun again? Put me in a drama with Jun Jihyun and nobody will even remember his name anymore.”
He wants to smile, but his face seems cemented in place through his embarrassment. Instead, Wonshik walks past Hakyeon and continues down the empty street, still intent on getting where he's going.
He's surprised when Hakyeon doesn't try to stop him, but simply walks by his side. ”That's what I was saying, you know,” he says after a few seconds. ”Is that how you want to end things between you two?”
In fear of accidentally admitting that the other is right, Wonshik keeps quiet.
”Do you want your last gift to him to be a bruised wrist?”
”It won't be like that,” Wonshik argues. ”He won't say those things. He's too nice.”
Hakyeon rolls his eyes. ”Three months ago, he was. You broke his heart.” Wonshik clenches his jaw where he walks. ”Besides, it's not very nice of you to take advantage of his kindness like that. Just because he's too nice to turn you away doesn't mean he wants to talk to you.”
”Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.”
”You'll only end up hurting him.”
Wonshik heaves a sigh, glaring at the man beside him. ”You really do worry too much.”
Hakyeon looks back at him. ”What will you do if he cries? Or if he tells you he hates you?”
Giving a frustrated laugh, Wonshik nudges his shoulder against Hakyeon's. ”Why are these the only scenarios you can think of? Why can't we act out the possibility of him missing me so much that he jumps on me and starts kissing my face off?”
”Oh please,” Hakyeon laughs. ”Like we haven't practiced that scenario before.”
Wonshik shrugs. ”Well.”
”We've practiced that... and the five thousand kisses that come after that first one... All the way until your wedding night, haven't we?” Hakyeon shakes his head and laughs again at the thought. ”I think we've practiced some things neither of us should be proud of.”
He knows he should be embarrassed, but it has the opposite effect. He grins, feeling more secure where he walks; he is the owner of his memories, after all, and of his fantasies.
They cross the road and make a turn into a familiar street. They're getting closer, Wonshik realizes with a surge at the pit of his stomach that sends his legs wobbling as he walks. ”What if he asks you to admit you're the cause of your break-up?”
Wonshik shrugs. ”Then I will.”
”But you don't agree. You think half of the blame lies with him.”
”Well, it takes two to tango.”
Hakyeon raises an eyebrow at him. ”And yet?”
”Getting him back means more to me than being right, I guess.”
Hakyeon looks away with a frown. ”That's gross.”
”I never claimed otherwise,” Wonshik replies with a snort. ”Desperation isn't exactly pretty.”
”Well, what if-”
”Hakyeon,” Wonshik cuts him off. Hakyeon looks back at him through wide eyes. ”This is so tiring.”
”I know that,” Hakyeon nods. ”Do you think it'll be any less tiring when it's the real thing?”
Wonshik stops, and Hakyeon stands in front of him, looking back at him over his shoulder. ”Just say what you want to say and stop beating around the bush.”
Hakyeon hesitates for a few moments, but then he turns to face the younger. He doesn't look angry or disgusted with him anymore; just cautious. He draws a deep breath, lips tilted in a dejected grimace. ”Do you think you deserve the love of someone so selfless?”
Wonshik shakes his head. ”Nobody does.”
Hakyeon nods. ”So why-”
”Because he needs it,” Wonshik replies. ”He needs somebody to love him, even if no one can give him what he deserves.”
They start walking again. The wind has begun to die down, and though the sun is hidden by tall roadside trees, the street is warming up by the minute. ”But why should it be you?” Hakyeon asks, and Wonshik feels his patience slipping away.
”Why are you still here?” he asks. ”Why are you asking me all of this?”
Hakyeon looks at him like he's insane. ”You won't let me leave.”
”By all means, go!” Wonshik shouts. ”I don't need you to try to change my mind.”
Hakyeon scoffs. ”You know it's not that simple.”
”It should be.”
”I'm not the one making you doubt yourself,” the older tells him. ”You do that fine on your own. Now tell me: Why should it be you?”
Wonshik kicks at a rock, sends it flying down the road. ”Because,” he mumbles, almost whispers, ”I'm afraid some other idiot is going to come along and do him wrong again.”
Hakyeon squints at him. ”Don't lie.”
”It's true.”
”Well, it's not the whole truth. There's a bigger reason, isn't there?” he pries. ”You care about him, but there's something else, too.”
”Yes,” Wonshik admits with a nod. ”I feel like I might die without him.”
”That's better,” Hakyeon says, placing a hand on his shoulder. ”Much more realistic. But you do realize that he's no safer with you than he is with any other idiot, right?”
”He is.” Wonshik kicks at the ground again. ”I'd give him everything he asked for... if he let me.”
”Unless what he wants is someone other than you.”
Wonshik keeps quiet.
”Or he's too kind to ever ask for anything.”
Wonshik stops in his steps again. ”I'll do everything I can to make him happy. Okay? Is that enough?”
”Nope,” Hakyeon says, shaking his head. ”Is that supposed to justify it if what you give him just isn't enough?”
Wonshik sighs in exasperation before he continues down the street again. He has to fight the urge to run away from Hakyeon - mostly because he doesn't want to turn up at the house all sweaty and disgusting, but also because he wants to be an adult now. One that doesn't run away from problems and responsibilities.
Hakyeon walks by his side, of course. ”When you've broken his heart again, do you think he'll be comforted to know that you ”did your best”, and it still wasn't enough?”
”Hakyeon, shut up.”
”Do you think his pain is going to lessen by knowing you don't love him enough to put his needs before yours?”
Wonshik shakes his head, trying to tune the other's words out, but to no avail. ”Where do you even get this stuff from?” Before he knows it, his pace has increased, and he's walking with long strides while Hakyeon is jogging to keep up.
”Would you be able to walk away if you knew he would be better off because of it?”
”No!” Wonshik yells, turning around to stare Hakyeon in the eye. ”Okay? I can't walk away, because he's the only person in this world I treasure as much as I treasure myself!”
”Fine,” Hakyeon says, walking the last few steps that separate them. ”Fine. I tried, but it's up to you, I suppose.” Wonshik stares at him, taken aback by the older's resignation. ”Don't you see?” Hakyeon continues then, pointing over Wonshik's shoulder. ”Look.”
Wonshik turns around again, and finally sees it. The house is just down the street, right in front of him; the place he has longed to return to for the past three months. So much so that the physical ache in his heart has kept him up at night.
He turns to Hakyeon again, who merely waves him away. ”Go. I have nothing more to say.”
”I'll do it right this time,” Wonshik mumbles, and he's not sure who he's trying to comfort this time. ”I promise.”
Hakyeon purses his lips in a sad smile. ”I just hope it's right for the both of you. Now go.”
So Wonshik does. He hurries down the remaining part of the street, not looking back or sparing Hakyeon another glance. Because this is about to get real - he's about to step out on the stage and give it his everything.
It takes him almost half a minute to walk up the few concrete steps just outside the door, because now that he's here, he feels both nervous and much calmer than before. The owner of the house always had that effect on him, he supposes, and he wants to remember this moment for the rest of his life, regardless of the outcome. He doesn't want to rush it.
Even so, eventually he lifts his hand and knocks on the door. He is relieved when the sound of footfalls reach him from inside; if the man wasn't home, he might not have been able to make his legs carry him home today.
The door opens. Slowly, because the man in the doorway seems like he forgets how to use his arms when he sees Wonshik standing there, smiling cautiously. ”Wonshik,” Hakyeon says. He sounds as breathless as Wonshik feels.
”Hakyeon,” the younger replies, and his voice is quivering. It doesn't matter. It's not the first time it has happened around the other man.
”What... what are you doing here?”
”I, uh...” Wonshik tries, mouth dry. ”I was hoping we could talk. Can I come in?”
The pounding of his heart causes his ears to ring as he waits for Hakyeon's response. The hesitant look in his eyes is much more real than any ghost of him that Wonshik could ever conjure up in his mind.
”Okay,” Hakyeon says, stepping back and leaving room for Wonshik to come in. ”Sure.”
Wonshik's smile grows as the follows the older man. For better or for worse, this is his chance.