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[swung]

after more than a year i still cannot sleep at night because i am too madly in love & superstitious to ever let feelings pass by; to ever fall asleep on a full stomach. my head is in terrible pain but i am longing so hungry, need to be next to him listening to the slurred latin he speaks in his dreams & trying to make sense of it. not moving

Comments

[inamourata]

I can barely ever sleep at night - in fact I find the sunrise has a more lulling effect on me. You are always growing & realizing. I see that constantly in your writing and that is beautiful beyond those words. I hope you find it in your heart to stay a little longer because I fear if not you will break many (though in contrast, do what is best for you, yes. personally I want to leave my journal all the time though). Do you think it is a gift or a curse? - feeling each emotion to it's highest degree of intensity, the alarming impact they have on you? Sometimes I am thankful though, because I realize that if I didn't find myself writhing in pain at times I don't think I'd ever cry because the touch of someone's hand brought me such astounding pleasure. I am still trying to learn, however, that pain isn't necessary to feel, but it's hard. I sometimes find myself dragging a blade over my skin for no reason & it's something that seems to adolecsent to me and something I want to get over, but at times I think I need to check and see if I'm

this place is just so empty when i really try to feel it & it's sad.

[swung]

look into my eyes & speak to yourself.

A gift & a curse.
I agree, the numb shades of six AM sunlight are quite the tranquilizer. I'm always growing but I'm always collapsing as well; I can never find a solid ground to build upon & it is so tiring & even more tiring when my complex effects others, which it does, and in which case i am forced to explain, but my truths are so contradictory and .. my life is just so messy & nobody can help because I can never get myself completely strait no matter how hard I try & no matter how much I shift perspectives. Me and Steve (my <3) were just speaking of how I may just absolutely need pain to feel alive & how much I hate that in myself. The only reason I hate it though, is not because it does not suit me, but because it causes the one I need closest to me so much agony and confusion and I need him to be clear and strong for me but I just overwhelm him & cause his mind to scatter therefore he can provide no help, he gets offended when I tell him that I am getting into therapy. & I would be too,

[swung]

I'm tired & I just woke up. Thank you, You have too many solid attributes to ever really be a willow. Although you are pretty.

[hissy]

this is out of left field, but do you want to hang out tonight?
if so, call me between 11:30 & 1:20, or after 2:30.
or leave a message after the,

x.am

[swung]

Fuck. i wish I was around to recieve this before I went out. Friday was crazy. I saw a girl in Oakland and made eye contact with her when I was sitting in the car. I thought it was you.

[hissy]

well, that's a crying shame.
no matter: still, call me.
i'm thinking of leaving this zip code.

[ex_raining_k769]

god did have a lover. she was a beautiful being- of course she had a lover. i tend to think she was a lesbian though, because although there is so much hate in this world, beauty can be found in the little cracks. & only two womens minds can put that together. put together a rough world, just because they can! & then hide hits of happiness in little corners, just so we keep a reason to live.

[swung]

I agree. I've been scaring myself recently while lying with him, thinking maybe I need a girl to snuggle with, to kiss. I've been with women before but never to the point of complete intimacy & I feel, with a girl, I could be more comfortably understood & I want to feel that.

You should email me your address so that I can sent my long overdue letter to you.

[imaginarylove]

hm. yes. i understand this. &beautifully written.

[swung]

Thank you & make yourself at home with me.