"Suicidal Brittany"---Back By Not-So-Popular Demand!
I'm really, really sorry that I haven't updated lately. I've been barely able to talk in complete sentences without the aid of caffeine, much less string together letters to make words. I compeltely flipped out agian last night. Looking back in my LJ, last time this happened was March20, 2004. It was worse this time. I knew I was going to flip out for about 3 days before that. They left me to watch the boys for a few hours. I think thats what did it. They came home, I was pissed off. I took a book down to my room, planning to read for an hor or so before going to sleep. I put in the Rancid CD (Indestructable) and tryed reading. After a few words, I started crying. I cried the whole CD except for "Arrested In Shanghai" because that song always calms me down. I didn't stop crying until I opened my window and let the rain fall down all over me. I haven't been suicidal for almost 3 years, and I really don't wanna be now, but I just can't take the shit anymore. As always, I have one bitch of a headache now. I think I'm going insane. Literally. I'm paranoid. I don't like people touching me or talking to me or looking at me. My dad sees it but can't do anything about it. If I told him about this, he'd be on the first plane back here. Steve thinks I'm being your average teenaged bitch, and he misses that little girl he met almost 12 years ago on her 2nd birthday, but he doasn't dare say either. My mother sees it, I know she does, but every time I bring it up, she fucking flips out. She yells and screams worse than usual. Mental illness runs on both sides of my family. I know I'm bi-polar. I haven't been diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms and both my parents have been diagnosed. Sunday, I dreamt I beat Storm to death with a huge red baseball bat. It scared the shit out of me, especially because he's been pissing me off so much lately, I could really see myself snapping and killing him.
Sam, I'm sorry I've been such a bitch lately. Really, really, really sorry. You didn't deserve my bitchiness.
None of you will comment, except maybe Sam. None of you ever do when I get like this.
mwa! (m`e)