Allergies Suck
Title: Allergies Suck
Author: cameroncrazed
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1474
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: Definitely not mine. I do not own anything to do with Heroes or Ben and Jerry’s. Obviously.
Written for challenge #13: allergic at sylaire_chall and for prompt #11: chlamydia? for the Ridiculousy Specific prompt table. As you might have already guessed, the combination of allergic chlamydia leads to complete crack!fic. Please forgive me. Oh! The medical condition discussed within actually exists - I did NOT invent it. Don’t ask me how I know about it.
“Claire, please.” Molly gives her friend a hard glare. “Go to the doctor.”
“I don’t get sick. It’s a waste of time and money to go to see someone who’s just going to tell me I’m perfectly fine.” Claire wiggles in her chair again, trying to get comfortable, taking another sip of her iced mocha while trying to ignore the issue.
Molly gives her a picture perfect replica of Mohinder’s bitch, please look. “You’re not fine! You can’t sit still, and it’s more of a ‘ow, my vajayjay’s on fire’ sort of movement rather than a ‘geez, I have to pee’ or a ‘yay caffeine!’ - trust me, I know - and for once, you actually have zits.” She pauses to smile. “And you have no clue how happy that makes me. But still… not normal, especially for you.”
“It’s nothing.” Claire touches one of the sores on her face self-consciously. “I’ve probably just been too… active… lately, that’s all. The soreness will go away.”
“Oh my God.” Molly finally realizes why Claire’s been squirming in her seat. “Who?”
Claire mumbles something that Molly can’t catch. She hadn’t planned on telling anyone, especially not Molly, and not like this.
“What was that?”
She mumbles again, shifting again and looking away.
“Claire, please. You were the first person I told when Micah and I hooked up at my nineteenth birthday party. I tell you everything.” It’s completely not fair that Claire’s getting the nooky and not telling about it, and Molly’s determined to find out. It’s her prerogative as Claire’s best friend for the last six years.
“Sylar.”
Molly doesn’t say a word, absolutely stunned. She wasn’t expecting that; honestly, she thought that Claire was much more likely to end up with Hiro, or Mohinder, or Peter, or a random garbage man or anyone except Sylar.
“Say something!” Claire knew she shouldn’t have told Molly.
“Something.” Molly mechanically takes another sip of her coffee, trying to mentally digest that blockbuster bit of gossip. She’s not sure if she ask about what, when, were, or why first.
“Well, at least you’re not completely freaking out. Peter flipped.” That had not been a good afternoon. She’s still scrubbing blood out of the carpet almost six months later.
“You told him first? Bitch! What happened to telling me everything? You could have Twittered about it or texted me.”
Claire mumbles something else, but Molly’s getting better at her mumble-to-English translation. “He walked in on you?” She starts laughing. “Okay, thanks for letting me be not the first to know. I’d rather hear about it days later than firsthand.”
“Actually…”
“It’s not days is it? How long has this been going on?”
Mumble, mumble, mumble. “One year, five months, twenty three days.”
Molly just wads up a napkin and launches it at Claire’s head. “Okay, so first of all, I’m amazed you managed to keep a secret that long. Second, is that all you have to tell me? I mean, you haven’t gotten engaged or married or bought a house together or had a love child yet, have you? I’d like to think I’d at least get a wedding invitation or a godmothering request or something.”
Claire wiggles in her chair again, and scratches at another one of her facial sores.
“Okay, that’s it! I’m calling Mohinder.”
“What?”
“You’re not right, and that’s not right. What if you’ve picked up some strange form of the Shanti bug?”
“Yes, because Shanti’s evolved to cause yeast infections and acne now.” Claire rolls her eyes.
“At least you’re admitting something’s wrong now.” Molly doesn’t press send on her cell. “And you’re going to be too embarrassed to tell Mo what’s wrong, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
Molly starts digging through her purse, exclaiming “eureka!” when she finds a particular business card in her wallet. “Here. Doc Westheimer’s the best gyn in the city. Will you at least go see her? Tell her I sent you, and I’ll get a discount next time - and she’ll probably take you today instead of making you wait for a couple of months like she does most new customers.”
With raised eyebrows and a slightly scared look on her face, Claire takes the card.
Molly just hopes Claire will call; she’s not enthusiastic about the idea of having to physically carry her friend to the doctor’s office.
- - - - - - - - - -
“Well?” Molly asks as soon as she swings the apartment door open to reveal Claire.
“Tell me you have a large stash of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer.” Still in shock from the doctor’s visit, Claire needs comfort food in large doses.
“Of course.” Molly immediately dashes into the kitchen. “Chubby Hubby, Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz, or Phish Food?” She really hopes that Claire doesn’t make her hand over her beloved Karamel Sutra.
“All of the above. With chocolate sauce and three cherries.” It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than cherries to make things better, but she doubts Molly has a miracle cure hidden away in the kitchen.
Molly almost drops the ice cream when she hears that response. “Are you dying or what? Whipped cream?”
“No! Nothing creamy or white and just no!” Claire realizes she’s overreacting, and tries to calm down. “And, no, I’m not dying of anything other than embarrassment. Did I ever tell you about the time my mom caught me hiding Alex in our house?”
“Yeah.” Molly upheld that story as a testament for being sneakier than her parents during her formative teenage years.
“A thousand times worse than that.” Claire falls onto the couch, stretching out and pulling a pillow over her head.
Molly pulls the pillow away. “No smothering yourself until you finish your ice cream. So, what did she say?”
- - - - - - - - - -
“And then she says ‘well, it could be chlamydia’.”
“Chlamydia?” Molly laughs so hard she snorts ice cream out her nose. “Owww, that burns. So, what did you tell her?”
“I said that my boyfriend and I are both clean, and that there was no way that I had a STD. Then she lectured me about the need to use protection and to not be so naïve to think that men don’t cheat and pick things up from cheap whores.”
Molly continues to laugh. “Chlamydia. I am so glad that you didn’t go see Mo after all. He’d never come up with anything that funny.”
Claire takes another bite of her ice cream, licking the chocolate off her spoon before waving it at Molly in a mockery of a scolding gesture. “Molly, venereal disease is no laughing matter.”
“Says you. I think it’s freaking hilarious. So, are you going to tell Sylar?”
“No, since I tested clean, just like I told her I would.”
“So, what is the problem?”
Claire grabs the ice cream bowl and spoon away from Molly, not wanting her friend to choke when she goes into hysterics. “Well, it’s um…”
“Just tell me.”
“I’m allergic to him.” It still sounds unreal to her.
“What?” Molly thinks she must have misunderstood.
“Have you ever heard of semen allergies?”
“Semen… allergies… nope, that’s a new one for me.” She didn’t even know that was possible. “Wait, why now? You’ve been together for decades, and you weren’t allergic before.”
“A year and half does not a decade make.” Claire takes a bite of Molly’s ice cream; yum, Karamel Sutra - obviously Molly had been hiding the really good stuff. She takes another bite, licking her lips. It would taste even better with some potato chips sprinkled on top.
Molly grabs the bowl back. “Hands off the ice cream, babe. Seriously, you’re allergic to his…” lots of bizarre hand waving follows as Molly tries to find a nicer way of phrasing ‘spunk’, finally setting on “…his, you know? And what does that have to do with your acne… never mind, do NOT answer that question. Someone’s obviously messy and ewwww.”
“You’re so mature.” Claire glares at her. “And before your mind can go to another dark and guttery place, I already got the ‘be safe or your throat could swell shut!’ lecture about systemic anaphylaxis, so I don’t need to hear it from you.”
“I hadn’t even thought of that, and seriously, why now?”
“So, want to go catch a movie?” Claire’s not about to answer that question.
“Nice non sequitor, but I’m not that easily distracted.”
“Want to go window shopping at Tiffany’s? Or, maybe, actual shopping? I’ve got Nathan’s gold Amex.” Claire’s betting that if Molly’s not distracted by movies, she will be distracted by something shiny and sinfully overpriced.
Besides, she’s got to tell Sylar first. She’s hoping he’ll take the news well, since he’d whined like a three year old last time she’d suggested condoms. Oh well, even if he didn’t take it well, they’d only have to wait seven months or so for it to go away naturally, at least, if the doctor’s right about the pregnancy being the root cause of the allergy.
Claire really did want some ice-cream coated potato chips though. Maybe they’d grab some on the way out. She wonders if the cravings are starting early. At least she didn’t have that horrid morning sickness; her new allergy really isn’t that bad in comparison.
Author: cameroncrazed
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1474
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: Definitely not mine. I do not own anything to do with Heroes or Ben and Jerry’s. Obviously.
Written for challenge #13: allergic at sylaire_chall and for prompt #11: chlamydia? for the Ridiculousy Specific prompt table. As you might have already guessed, the combination of allergic chlamydia leads to complete crack!fic. Please forgive me. Oh! The medical condition discussed within actually exists - I did NOT invent it. Don’t ask me how I know about it.
“Claire, please.” Molly gives her friend a hard glare. “Go to the doctor.”
“I don’t get sick. It’s a waste of time and money to go to see someone who’s just going to tell me I’m perfectly fine.” Claire wiggles in her chair again, trying to get comfortable, taking another sip of her iced mocha while trying to ignore the issue.
Molly gives her a picture perfect replica of Mohinder’s bitch, please look. “You’re not fine! You can’t sit still, and it’s more of a ‘ow, my vajayjay’s on fire’ sort of movement rather than a ‘geez, I have to pee’ or a ‘yay caffeine!’ - trust me, I know - and for once, you actually have zits.” She pauses to smile. “And you have no clue how happy that makes me. But still… not normal, especially for you.”
“It’s nothing.” Claire touches one of the sores on her face self-consciously. “I’ve probably just been too… active… lately, that’s all. The soreness will go away.”
“Oh my God.” Molly finally realizes why Claire’s been squirming in her seat. “Who?”
Claire mumbles something that Molly can’t catch. She hadn’t planned on telling anyone, especially not Molly, and not like this.
“What was that?”
She mumbles again, shifting again and looking away.
“Claire, please. You were the first person I told when Micah and I hooked up at my nineteenth birthday party. I tell you everything.” It’s completely not fair that Claire’s getting the nooky and not telling about it, and Molly’s determined to find out. It’s her prerogative as Claire’s best friend for the last six years.
“Sylar.”
Molly doesn’t say a word, absolutely stunned. She wasn’t expecting that; honestly, she thought that Claire was much more likely to end up with Hiro, or Mohinder, or Peter, or a random garbage man or anyone except Sylar.
“Say something!” Claire knew she shouldn’t have told Molly.
“Something.” Molly mechanically takes another sip of her coffee, trying to mentally digest that blockbuster bit of gossip. She’s not sure if she ask about what, when, were, or why first.
“Well, at least you’re not completely freaking out. Peter flipped.” That had not been a good afternoon. She’s still scrubbing blood out of the carpet almost six months later.
“You told him first? Bitch! What happened to telling me everything? You could have Twittered about it or texted me.”
Claire mumbles something else, but Molly’s getting better at her mumble-to-English translation. “He walked in on you?” She starts laughing. “Okay, thanks for letting me be not the first to know. I’d rather hear about it days later than firsthand.”
“Actually…”
“It’s not days is it? How long has this been going on?”
Mumble, mumble, mumble. “One year, five months, twenty three days.”
Molly just wads up a napkin and launches it at Claire’s head. “Okay, so first of all, I’m amazed you managed to keep a secret that long. Second, is that all you have to tell me? I mean, you haven’t gotten engaged or married or bought a house together or had a love child yet, have you? I’d like to think I’d at least get a wedding invitation or a godmothering request or something.”
Claire wiggles in her chair again, and scratches at another one of her facial sores.
“Okay, that’s it! I’m calling Mohinder.”
“What?”
“You’re not right, and that’s not right. What if you’ve picked up some strange form of the Shanti bug?”
“Yes, because Shanti’s evolved to cause yeast infections and acne now.” Claire rolls her eyes.
“At least you’re admitting something’s wrong now.” Molly doesn’t press send on her cell. “And you’re going to be too embarrassed to tell Mo what’s wrong, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
Molly starts digging through her purse, exclaiming “eureka!” when she finds a particular business card in her wallet. “Here. Doc Westheimer’s the best gyn in the city. Will you at least go see her? Tell her I sent you, and I’ll get a discount next time - and she’ll probably take you today instead of making you wait for a couple of months like she does most new customers.”
With raised eyebrows and a slightly scared look on her face, Claire takes the card.
Molly just hopes Claire will call; she’s not enthusiastic about the idea of having to physically carry her friend to the doctor’s office.
- - - - - - - - - -
“Well?” Molly asks as soon as she swings the apartment door open to reveal Claire.
“Tell me you have a large stash of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer.” Still in shock from the doctor’s visit, Claire needs comfort food in large doses.
“Of course.” Molly immediately dashes into the kitchen. “Chubby Hubby, Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz, or Phish Food?” She really hopes that Claire doesn’t make her hand over her beloved Karamel Sutra.
“All of the above. With chocolate sauce and three cherries.” It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than cherries to make things better, but she doubts Molly has a miracle cure hidden away in the kitchen.
Molly almost drops the ice cream when she hears that response. “Are you dying or what? Whipped cream?”
“No! Nothing creamy or white and just no!” Claire realizes she’s overreacting, and tries to calm down. “And, no, I’m not dying of anything other than embarrassment. Did I ever tell you about the time my mom caught me hiding Alex in our house?”
“Yeah.” Molly upheld that story as a testament for being sneakier than her parents during her formative teenage years.
“A thousand times worse than that.” Claire falls onto the couch, stretching out and pulling a pillow over her head.
Molly pulls the pillow away. “No smothering yourself until you finish your ice cream. So, what did she say?”
- - - - - - - - - -
“And then she says ‘well, it could be chlamydia’.”
“Chlamydia?” Molly laughs so hard she snorts ice cream out her nose. “Owww, that burns. So, what did you tell her?”
“I said that my boyfriend and I are both clean, and that there was no way that I had a STD. Then she lectured me about the need to use protection and to not be so naïve to think that men don’t cheat and pick things up from cheap whores.”
Molly continues to laugh. “Chlamydia. I am so glad that you didn’t go see Mo after all. He’d never come up with anything that funny.”
Claire takes another bite of her ice cream, licking the chocolate off her spoon before waving it at Molly in a mockery of a scolding gesture. “Molly, venereal disease is no laughing matter.”
“Says you. I think it’s freaking hilarious. So, are you going to tell Sylar?”
“No, since I tested clean, just like I told her I would.”
“So, what is the problem?”
Claire grabs the ice cream bowl and spoon away from Molly, not wanting her friend to choke when she goes into hysterics. “Well, it’s um…”
“Just tell me.”
“I’m allergic to him.” It still sounds unreal to her.
“What?” Molly thinks she must have misunderstood.
“Have you ever heard of semen allergies?”
“Semen… allergies… nope, that’s a new one for me.” She didn’t even know that was possible. “Wait, why now? You’ve been together for decades, and you weren’t allergic before.”
“A year and half does not a decade make.” Claire takes a bite of Molly’s ice cream; yum, Karamel Sutra - obviously Molly had been hiding the really good stuff. She takes another bite, licking her lips. It would taste even better with some potato chips sprinkled on top.
Molly grabs the bowl back. “Hands off the ice cream, babe. Seriously, you’re allergic to his…” lots of bizarre hand waving follows as Molly tries to find a nicer way of phrasing ‘spunk’, finally setting on “…his, you know? And what does that have to do with your acne… never mind, do NOT answer that question. Someone’s obviously messy and ewwww.”
“You’re so mature.” Claire glares at her. “And before your mind can go to another dark and guttery place, I already got the ‘be safe or your throat could swell shut!’ lecture about systemic anaphylaxis, so I don’t need to hear it from you.”
“I hadn’t even thought of that, and seriously, why now?”
“So, want to go catch a movie?” Claire’s not about to answer that question.
“Nice non sequitor, but I’m not that easily distracted.”
“Want to go window shopping at Tiffany’s? Or, maybe, actual shopping? I’ve got Nathan’s gold Amex.” Claire’s betting that if Molly’s not distracted by movies, she will be distracted by something shiny and sinfully overpriced.
Besides, she’s got to tell Sylar first. She’s hoping he’ll take the news well, since he’d whined like a three year old last time she’d suggested condoms. Oh well, even if he didn’t take it well, they’d only have to wait seven months or so for it to go away naturally, at least, if the doctor’s right about the pregnancy being the root cause of the allergy.
Claire really did want some ice-cream coated potato chips though. Maybe they’d grab some on the way out. She wonders if the cravings are starting early. At least she didn’t have that horrid morning sickness; her new allergy really isn’t that bad in comparison.