part IV
the grandfather paradox
this was initially intended to be in place of the chapter where jaebum discovers yugyeom's diary. I actually didn't want baby yugyeom to die at first T.T but after checking it against the theory I realised there was no other way.
*
Jaebum starts awake what feels like hours later.
His head is pounding when he gets up, the back of his neck prickling, and he fumbles with the blankets before getting out of bed, completely disoriented. What time is it now? He almost trips on the fabric as he stands, flinching at a crack of thunder, before he hears something else.
Someone's crying.
He flicks on the light, heart rate suddenly speeding up, stepping out into the living room. There’s food, getting cold, now, on the table, probably left by Jinyoung in case someone got hungry, and the living room light suddenly seems dim and harsh in the stark emptiness of the place, now.
He’s blinking in the fuzzy light of the room as he totters over to Yugyeom's room, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, muscles taut with tension despite the fact that he’s standing in his own living room.
“Gyeommie?” he opens the door carefully, stomach twisting as the crying continues. He turns on the light, rushing over immediately to where Yugyeom’s lying on his bed, eyes red and puffy, pillow dark with tears. “Hey, hey, Gyeom, it’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he lifts the boy onto his knee, holding him close. “Was it the thunder? You’re never afraid of thunder, what’s wrong?”
“Papa,” Yugyeom bawls, tears soaking through the fabric of Jaebum’s shirt now- Jaebum’s never seen him cry like this before.
“It’s okay, Papa’s just gone to get the car, he’s going to be right back,” Jaebum rocks him softly to calm him down, unable to deny the sudden spike of fear at the bottom of his stomach then, too. “Do you think Papa brought an umbrella? He should, or he might get wet in all this rain, don’t you think?”
Yugyeom’s clinging to him with one arm, then, Jaebum realises, and the other’s clutched close to his chest, around something.
“Gyeommie, isn’t that-…” he gently pries the book from Yugyeom’s grip, sitting properly on the bed, now, so he can get a look at it. “Isn’t this hyung’s book? Why do you have this?”
Yugyeom doesn’t say anything, face still buried in Jaebum’s shoulder, sniffing, and Jaebum reluctantly sets the book aside. Maybe the boy had left it here by accident, or-…
“He wants you to read it.”
“What?” Jaebum looks down at Yugyeom, who’s still clinging to him, averting his eyes.
“He told me to read it, Daddy, then he said to give it to you.”
Dread's pooling in Jaebum's stomach. "Did he say why?"
When the little boy doesn’t reply, still as a statue in his arms, he shifts Yugyeom carefully on his lap to make sure he won’t fall, before opening the book to its first page.
.
this part was roughly the same as before, mostly of jaebum discovering yugyeom's true past/future
.
Yugyeom's cries subside quietly, like the breath's being crushed out of his little lungs, like whatever he exhales, he can no longer breathe in.
A newspaper clipping’s come fluttering down to Jaebum’s feet from the broken book on the floor, spilling out from the chaos of blank pieces of film and scraps of paper.
It remains a mess of fuzzy grey and black ink, until the words finally solidify into a proper sentence. It’s the one of Jinyoung’s accident, and Jaebum’s chest seems to constrict painfully.
The headline’s changed, now, too.
Just like it never happened.
DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT, RELIEF: NONE DEAD
He chokes quietly, shaking the suddenly still child in his arms. The little boy's head lolls onto his chest, tear stains from his cheeks soaking into Jaebum's shirt.
Yugyeom's not crying anymore.
*
there were several endings I was considering for this, the second being the one I eventually put. In the first ending, I wanted to change the circumstances such that baby yugyeom would eventually survive- except he's the only one who remembers his "hyung", the future him that died to save his parents, whom jaebum and jinyoung don't remember because in this timeline, they never met.
for the second ending, I had a different idea for the final chapter- I was thinking of making it more friendly as a show of apology for all the grief and hurt I may or may not have unintentionally caused (huggles all of you) so in this final chapter, it's hinted that jaebum "remembers" his lesson, in a sense. however (and this one is entirely not my fault) a certain precious shell told me that the second ending (aka the one I eventually put out) had a better effect, and made more sense.
*
They go for a special dinner that night, all three of them, after Jaebum gets back with the car, and as Youngjae bounds into the backseat, Pororo knapsack bouncing on his shoulders, Jinyoung stares at the now empty area in front of the complex.
“They removed the benches,” he notes, sliding into the passenger seat, glancing back to make sure Youngjae’s put his seat belt on. Jaebum mutters something about the basketball court in response- the entire car smells of ddeokbokki, and he has half a mind to back out on his barbeque and soju promise to Junho. Then-…
“How sad.”
“Huh,” Jaebum drives out of the parking lots onto the main road, glancing questioningly over at Jinyoung, grinning when Youngjae leans forward to ask them to change the song to one from his new favourite girl group (“Missay! Can we listen to the Missay noonas?” “It’s Miss A, Jae.”) “Why do you say that?”
They’re on the main road now, driving with the sound of Youngjae humming happily at the back, nodding his head to the music, and Jinyoung’s lapsed into silence, but Jaebum’s used to it. He knows the other man just needs time to think, time to remember and reflect, and he’s learned that that’s the most he can let Jinyoung have at times like these.
“Just,” Jinyoung frowns, after a long moment, like he’s thinking hard about something- but then again, Jaebum doubts there’s ever a moment when he isn’t thinking about something. He shrugs, slightly embarrassed. “Some things are nice to remember, you know.”
“Yeah?” Jaebum chuckles as they stop at a red light, leaning over to press a kiss onto Jinyoung’s cheek, feeling the child carefully hidden away at the back of his mind, trembling and fearful at the prospect of remembering, eventually quiesce.
“Well, I think so,” Jinyoung lays a hand over Jaebum’s, and the older man glances over, seeing the hopeful smile on his face. Jaebum chuckles, shrugging.
“Yeah?” The light changes, and they start off again, Youngjae giggling as Jaebum makes a turn and he rolls over in the backseat, as far as his seatbelt will let him. Jaebum sighs.
“I think so too.”