Comments | synchronaut: A Cold Night in a Dead Tree (2 of 2)

synchronaut

A Cold Night in a Dead Tree (2 of 2)

Dec 22, 2007 23:10

a short note - an introduction by way of apology, i reckon:
i made a real effort to avoid any sort of artistic flourishes with this narrative. my instructor cautions against "spiritual inflation," and i tend to fall prey to that. i tried to inject some of the humor of the situation, but, in retrospect, i neglected to accurately capture some of the ( Read more... )

debris hut, gabe, camping, adventure, shelter, outdoors

Comments 16

rwbadger December 23 2007, 07:46:53 UTC

Great narrative. I could feel the turn when you guys watched the sunrise...it showed in your writing. I enjoyed the brief history of the area (whiskey, for example). The discussion of the fire was great, too, though I expected more of the bear. You should mention him near the end again.

"fish water?" That was a bit odd. Fetch, perhaps.

gwynny December 23 2007, 18:19:27 UTC

I thought "fish water" was weird too, but I never said anything about it when I proofed it. I'm a bad editor... but then again, I only had like 10 minutes to proof it before we had to go turn it in.

rwbadger December 27 2007, 23:06:11 UTC

Geez. What do you get paid for, then? :-9

synchronaut January 5 2008, 23:12:27 UTC

It's kind of a strange turn of phrase, but Gabe did say he was going to "fish" water out of the creek. I should probably structure that as dialogue.

Thread 10

rantingranger December 23 2007, 08:32:05 UTC

Love: the steely gaze on the new icon.

Miss: the ancient redwood forest. The stars. I don't get those here. Thanks a lot, asswipe!

Wonder: about this "spiritual inflation" and why one would avoid "artistic flourishes." Please tell me more.

Really?: the ending of the third paragraph, "fortunately for us." Didn't get it. Please explain.

Hits: "sleeping in a Christmas tree," especially when preceded by an oath; the ending.

Happy happy joy joy: see you soon - and will the weekend of 05-06 January find you in Hayward or Humboldt?

gwynny December 23 2007, 18:27:58 UTC

Jim Dodge is of the mind that if you're a good, clear writer, your reader will see the artistry in your work and come away with some kind of spiritual connection on their own. If you try to insert those elements into your writing, it's usually really obvious, like a hipster who spends an hour making his hair look like he never uses a comb.

One of the most egregious examples of "spiritual inflation" is this:

Insolent, the moon caters to my dialogue.

It may very well be the lamest sentence ever written in the English language. The writer is obviously trying really hard to tell the reader that she has a personal relationship with the moon. That may very well be, but all the reader will feel is the pain of being smacked in the face with terrible writing. True artistry is subtle and honest, not contrived as fuck.

rantingranger December 24 2007, 07:10:29 UTC

Wow, what a disgusting quote. I do, however, love the hipster analogy that set up that affront to my beloved language.

rantingranger December 24 2007, 07:07:55 UTC

Oh, and you may have noticed that I simply do not use the passive voice at all - honestly, I think I write that way more out of obsession than anything else, but the passive voice can get mighty boring. You seem to use the passive voice fairly frequently without conjuring Ben Stein nightmares - how do you pull that off?

Thread 6