I have never owned a notebook I was 100% comfortable with

[synergic]

Family vacation is coming up. I have been moodswinging pretty horribly about this out of sheer nerves! Some of it obviously comes from the fact that I have never brought anyone home to my family before, and that is all I'm going to say about that here. But I've been thinking it over, and a lot of the worry is actually from a completely different

Comments

[drazzi]

I'm 100% proud of you because you've DONE collage AND you're holding down a job. AND NOW added to that you want to move up and on and do something creative as well.

You're awesome in my book

[synergic]

You're sweet, my dear. I guess I just question... you know, how much I really want this.

[drazzi]

I think if you're wondering if you want it, then you do. The only time you don't want anything is when you don't think about it.

[synergic]

Fair point ♥

[weatherfairy]

Oh hon. /hugs

I sort of know what you mean. Just because something is less of what you originally planned to learn, don't dismiss it as such! Everything you know how to do and especially things you find fun, are skills. I wouldn't say coding and websites would be something bad? I think you're doing an incredible work with them. And you have a job. And you're successful. That is not "nothing". Now, I barely know what sort of art you're doing, but. What do you think you're absolutely best at, right now?

Just because it wasn't part of the original set of skills, doesn't mean it can't count now. Life takes turns, doesn't it?

...also I hear you about just producing stuff in classes and then losing the will for it outside. I think that, when you use art and do stuff for it like a chore, that is when you lose your inspiration to do it outside of assignments, for your OWN sake, and not for your sake of passing a class...

/UNHELPFUL RAMBLE idk ;; I hope you solve something out.

[synergic]

It's not that I think coding itself is bad, but the only things I use it for? Seriously unprofessional. I cannot tell my family how much time I spend making omgIshipit sites. ......even though my father owns some fanzines and would probably understand the concept. I just. idk about the amount of time I devote to it.

I do think that art became a chore for a while, but it shouldn't be now! It's not like anyone is asking me to produce.

[wafflehearts]

Yes, I... get that. I just use my art skills to make ICONS nowadays. Uhm.

Sometimes you don't have the be perfect and overly successful, but. Do you enjoy your life like it is now? Is it working out?

[synergic]

... I kind of hate my job a lot, hon.

[synergic]

I like challenges! I should try some again. Of course, the other thing is that I am just HUGELY self-conscious about showing my work, even in a non-professional space. Which... perhaps I wouldn't be if I saw it as just for fun, but I still wonder if I couldn't do it professionally someday if I just applied myself?

This isn't to say that your idea about giving creativity a workout is wrong AT ALL. Just means I have issues.

[lady_ganesh]

I think of the creative part of a person as a muscle--the more you exercise, the more you do with it, even if it's painful and ugly and AUGH LET'S SCRAP IT AND NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN for a long time, it does get easier, and more comfortable, and yeah, natural.

Yees this is why I can no longer draw for crap and should probably just cave and start doing it again.

[synergic]

.... ahaha I know I should respond to all of this, but I feel like a tool because people on my flist don't even know this anymore. And it did used to be an integral part of my life. When I say artist, I actually mean illustrator /)_(\

tl;dr

[synergic]

...this is actually very hard for me to explain.

The thing is, I think that illustration is a very grounded to begin with. I'm not sure this is actually what you were asking, but the way I feel about illustration is that it's not a pie-in-the-sky sidebar to the act of creation in the same way that getting into art museums and galleries was for my fine arts peers.

Illustration is a supply and demand industry to begin with. It's not always an easy one to break into, of course you need talent. But... mm, as far as setting goals goes, it's like the difference between wanting to be a reporter and wanting to be an author, maybe? One is very career-based from day one, the other is more about finding yourself first and then selling that(This is, of course, a gross oversimplification, and both disciplines mean you need to have a style and a personal grasp of your individualism, your views and your and self worth... which is something I'm probably lacking in. I do hide my art. This is a terrible trait in somebody who thinks they want to

[alioth]

It's funny, i have that same feeling. But i have even less to show than you do, since i'm not even working, and i don't have the dolls or the websites or sketchbooks or anything else

[synergic]

My family is actually not critical at all, and yet somehow I grew up being super-introverted about pretty much everything I do with my life. I could probably analyze the heck out of that.

.... also YEAH WHAT'S UP WITH THAT LJ RP THING?

[alioth]

O we are so full of neuroses.

RP is like...the dirty little secret hobby of the interwebs. So much judging over something so harmless and fun! Possibly because explaining it often involves the word 'pretend', and pretending is BAD. Or. Something. I don't quite understand my own sense of shame, and no one i've ever asked about it has anything to say other than scoffing and being all 'well that's weeeeird'. Playing pretend has an expiration date, i guess? Oops.

[synergic]

I think there is a bigger stigma on playing around in other people's sandboxes than playing pretend, maybe. I at least am the same way about my fandom websites.... Maybe it comes back to that productivity thing.

And you know, I would like to balance fandom and non-fandom more. And the art with the ... rp-type-writing. Personally, not just because of outside pressure. (I think. Hard to say.)