Fic: Anchor Me 2/2 (Star Trek Reboot; Kirk/Spock)
Title: Anchor Me
Universe/Series: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: PG-13
Relationship status: First Time
Word count: 16391
Genre: hurt/comfort, romance, slight AU (only as far as Kirk's genetical make-up)
Summary: Written for this prompt at the st_xi_kink_meme. Kirk is part Betazoid, he doesn't advertise it because it doesn't define him, but after feeling the terror and the psychic scream from the destruction of Vulcan he starts to break down. He can't block anything anymore and it almost kills him. Spock intervenes.
A/N: This is only my third attempt at K/S, I hope it's decent. Also, this fic was meant to be read in oneshot format but I had to split it in two due to word limit.
The following evening Kirk welcomes Spock in his quarters with a big smile. He's slept through the night, without nightmares, for the first time in months thanks to Spock.
"I went all out for you tonight!" he announces presenting with a flourish an addition to his quarters. It's a cozy and warm-looking meditation mat with two big cushions that seem very comfortable.
"We can still sit on the bed like yesterday if you prefer, but this is a classic, isn't it? And I promise your backside is gonna love that cushion!" his enthusiasm heartens Spock, it's clear the Captain has truly benefited from their previous session.
"Even ignoring the fact that backsides do not have a separate consciousness from that of the being they are attached to, in my case this part of my anatomy is as Vulcan as I am and therefore not prone to emotion." Spock deadpans.
Kirk laughs at that and then retorts "I have now melded with two versions of you and you're still going with that?" he shakes his head at Spock "You're not fooling me, mister!"
A corner of Spock's mouth quirks up almost imperceptibly and he decides to stir the conversation onto safer topics. "Have you experienced much discomfort today?" he asks, then goes to sit on one of the cushions. Kirk smiles and joins him.
"It wasn't a bed of roses but it wasn't as bad as before either. I still had to resort a bit to concentrating on you, though." He makes a face. "Sorry."
"Do not apologize, it is perfectly understandable."
"That felt easier too, actually. Like I could recognize your presence and find it more easily, at least when we are in the same room. I noticed it on the bridge. Do you think it's because we melded? Or was I just deluding myself?"
"I believe your conclusion is correct. Our minds are now more familiar with each other as we have engaged in a deep meld twice. It is something I had not thought of in a long while, but when I lived on Vulcan I was attuned to the presence of my parents' minds."
"You used to meld with them?" Kirk asks, not sure if he's allowed.
"On occasion, yes. I also meditated with my father whenever we were both available." Which wasn't often, but he had deeply missed it after his father disowned him for refusing admission to the Vulcan Science Academy.
Kirk nods "I had sort of forgotten how it was. I had become so used to it being unilateral, you know? With mom gone and my brother on another planet. I hadn't realized until now how much I missed being able to actually share this."
"I must admit to a similar realization."
They look at each other for a moment and Kirk feels a little awkward. He considers Spock a friend but he's not used to share so much with someone, especially this part of himself, but it feels right and if anybody can understand he thinks that's Spock. So he takes a breath and steels himself, reminding himself that he already trusts Spock with everything and this is just one more thing.
"Okay, what do we start with?"
"I believe we should begin with meditating. I will keep my meditation light so as to be aware of you at all times in case you need assistance."
Kirk nods and positions himself comfortably, his eyes falling shut. He concentrates on evening his breath and cleansing his mind of all thoughts, it's hard because he feels the pressure of emotions pushing against his precarious shields. He tries to retreat further into his mind, find his core, peaceful and beautiful where he can order his thoughts and feelings but something shatters and he opens his eyes again.
Spock's eyes fly open immediately after, "Seven point two minutes" he informs.
Kirk groans and drops his head onto his crossed legs "That's even worse than usual."
"What interfered?"
"I'm not sure. I couldn't completely block everything out but I don't think it was that. It felt like I was stuck and just couldn't go deeper. It's been feeling like this since Vulcan, every time I tried to meditate."
Spock then asks permission for a meld and soon finds that Jim's mind has erected a barrier to protect itself from the empathic memory of the destruction of Vulcan. Unfortunately this also means that Jim cannot process those emotions, the barrier is there because he has already been overwhelmed once and probably wouldn't survive it a second time, but unless they are dealt with there will be no true healing either. They both understand this and in the meld Spock can feel all too clearly Jim's reluctance.
A memory comes to the front of Jim's mind, in it he's a kid sitting on a cushion in front of a blond woman, he reaches for her wrist and grabs it, seemingly concentrating on her heartbeat to achieve meditation. The memory fades and a music plays softly, peaceful and soothing, Spock recognizes some of the Terran instruments, flute, violin, piano, maybe small bells. He is mesmerized by the harmony they create. "I used to listen to this at the Academy to keep out all the noise while I was meditating." Jim supplies.
When they slip out of the meld Spock proposes they try meditating again and offers Jim his wrist. Jim hesitates, saying it will distract Spock because of his touch telepathy but Spock argues he was already using his telepathy to monitor him, this will actually be less taxing on him. Kirk relents then.
At first it seems like it won't work, Spock's heart beats faster than that of a human and it's a little disconcerting for Jim. Once he gets past the novelty of it though, he actually manages to concentrate on it so well that it's like it's pulsing directly in his mind, and it's incredibly reassuring. Keeping it as a focus he starts strengthening his shields and doesn't feel any interference.
It lasts forty-three minutes before a communication from the bridge beeps on his terminal breaking the silence and their meditation. Kirk curses under his breath and stands up to answer it. It's nothing that couldn't have waited and he mentally berates himself for not putting the filter for emergencies only up. Still, they have already made progress and Spock says they will meditate again in the morning before their shift, since it seems they found a way that works, and that cheers Jim up a bit.
When Spock leaves his quarters, Kirk realizes with a start that he misses not just his physical presence but his mental one, too. The feeling was dimmed when Spock was still there, but it's undeniable now.
~o~
"You didn't tell me Spock pulled me out of my coma." Kirk says without preamble, dropping in the chair in front of McCoy's desk in his office.
"Sorry, I was busy making sure you wouldn't slip right back into it." The doctor replies sarcastically.
Kirk raises his hands in mock surrender "Fine. No need to get bitchy." He grins at McCoy's scowl. "I was just surprised, is all."
"He said he was gonna talk to you, I figured he'd tell you himself." Kirk nods, confirming it and McCoy asks "So, how's your therapy with the elf going? Is he any good?"
"It's going well. It's not easy but I'm slowly getting some of my control back." He pauses then adds "He's pretty amazing actually. Never felt anything like it."
McCoy's eyebrows hit his hairline "Are we still talking about therapy here?"
Kirk smirks "Are you jealous, Bones? You wanna get in my mind-pants too?"
"Not even if you beg."
~o~
When Spock enters his Captain's quarters he notices immediately that the temperature is warmer than usual. Not quite like Spock's standard setting but significantly warmer than the rest of the ship. Kirk doesn't seem disturbed by the slight change and Spock doesn't mention it, silently appreciating the gesture.
"What you got there, Spock?"
"A scented candle, Captain." He holds it up so that Kirk can see it better. "It is supposed to enhance calm and facilitate meditation. I checked with Doctor McCoy, you should not have any adverse reaction to its components."
Kirk looks amused, "Is it even possible to have an allergic reaction to a candle?"
"I believe you capable of many unusual feats."
"I'll pretend that's a compliment" Kirk grinned at him.
Spock doesn't reply, instead moving to what is becoming their usual spot for meditation, Kirk immediately follows and they settle comfortably. Spock lights the candle and places it next to them, offering his wrist to his Captain as they wordlessly fall in a meditative state. Tonight Spock plans to confront the empathic memories that have been eating at Jim for so long, but he chooses not to tell him before they meld, he doesn't want Jim to be anxious when attempting meditation.
As soon as they meld he can't hide his intent any more.
"Do not resist, Jim."
"I can't. I don't want you to feel this. Not again."
"I am here to help."
"It's not fair. You shouldn't have to relive it."
"I will not be alone this time and neither will you. We will face it together."
Jim is silent, all his energy concentrated on blocking Spock. It's straining him and they both know he won't last much longer, he's too weakened.
"Jim, cease your attempts at resistance. It will increase your pain and destroy you in the end. I will not allow it."
"You're bossy." There's a laugh around that thought and Spock can feel Jim is starting to give in, slowly allowing Spock to deepen the meld.
It's not easy. In fact, apart from the first hand experience they both had, reliving the last moments of the Vulcan people is the hardest thing they've ever done. But Spock was right, together they're stronger and even if at first it seems they will be submerged by the crippling fear so many katras shared in those last moments, they actually manage to shield and sift through the memories at their pace.
There's a paralyzing second though, when Spock has the distinct impression of feeling his mother, that has them almost crumbling under the pressure. Jim is somehow able to separate that feeling and shield it from Spock, who finds his control back. It is illogical, he tells Jim, his mother was not a telepath and there can't be any trace of her in these memories. Still his mind throbs painfully where his parental link with her once was. Jim doesn't remind Spock that his memories are empathic too and therefore there is a trace of Amanda in his mind, he just hadn't been able to distinguish her before. Now that he knows, he holds onto it. He will cherish it for Spock. One day, he promises himself, he will let Spock know that among the fear she also felt happiness because she saw her son one last time, and her love will burn in Jim's mind until Spock is ready to feel it again.
~o~
That night Jim wakes up with tears running on his face, the burning pain that seems to split his head in two must have been building for a while and he barely has time to open his eyes and moan in pain before he is hit by a bout of nausea. He stumbles out of the bed, almost falling, and rushes to the bathroom, dropping on his knees in front of the toilet. He makes it just in time, but between the puking and the splitting headache he feels about to pass out. His vision blurs, black spots appearing at the corners, and he has a flare of panic thinking "Not again".
When the heaving subsides he slowly lies down on the tile floor trying to fight off the loss of consciousness with even breaths. The last thing he remembers thinking is "Spock!" and then nothing.
~o~
Spock wakes up with a jolt, sure that he has heard his Captain call his name. Of course a cursory glance around his quarters confirms what he already knows, Jim is not in Spock's quarters. That leaves only the possibility of a telepathic communication which alarms Spock even more. He doesn't hesitate in leaving his quarters and rapidly reaches Kirk's that are fortunately next door, overriding the code without a second thought. It is the most logical course of action and if he is mistaken he will apologize for the intrusion.
The room is dark and quiet when he enters, Spock slows his pace and orders the light to fifteen percent, enough to see but not too disturbing if his Captain is sleeping. The bed is empty and Kirk is nowhere in sight though, so Spock enters the bathroom and finds him unconscious on the floor. The sight chills him but doesn't stop him, he kneels next to Kirk and rapidly assesses that he is unconscious but has not slipped into a coma again. Relieved, Spock finds a cloth and wets it to dab at Jim's face, who slowly starts to stir.
"Jim?"
Kirk grimaces, the pain from his headache coming back with his senses, "Spock?" he croaks, throat raw from the previous abuse, "What are you doing here?"
"You called for me."
"What?" his face is scrunched up in pain, eyes shut tight against the low lights.
"You are in pain, I should call Doctor McCoy."
Kirk's hand shoots up to grab Spock's arm, "No, don't wake him. I've got what I need for the migraine there." He points to a cabinet. "I just didn't reach it in time."
Spock opens it and finds a small kit with various hyposprays inside, mostly allergy shots as he quickly finds out.
"The blue one." Says Kirk from the floor, then adds "Don't worry, it's all Bones approved."
Spock doesn't doubt it and proceeds to inject Kirk with the right hypo. He carefully helps his Captain up, despite Kirk's protests that he should just stay on the floor, and leads him back to bed, sitting himself on its edge. Fifteen minutes pass in a relaxed silence until Kirk drops his hand from his eyes, the meds finally taking effect.
"How exactly did I call for you?" he asks, confused and bleary eyed.
"Telepathically, Captain."
Kirk groans, unhappy at his lack of control. "Sorry I woke you up."
"There is no need to apologize. Did you experience distress because of the meld?"
"I don't know, I guess we opened up a can of worms last night and these are the consequences."
Spock's eyebrows vanish under his hairline. "We did no such thing."
"It's an expression." Jim says with a weak smile, "It means we chose to do something over which we don't have much control and now we must deal with the mess."
"I see." He pauses, "I should have ensured that you rested peacefully, I can provide that now if you wish."
Kirk sighs and nods "Thanks, Spock."
~o~
They're playing chess in Kirk's quarters after a long boring day of watching stars fly by while they're on route to Xippin III, where they are escorting a delegation of diplomats.
"I have a question," Kirk says after moving his bishop "but you're not gonna like it."
Spock doesn't lift his gaze from the chessboard, intent on studying the situation. "How did you reach that conclusion?"
"Because it's a personal question."
Spock looks up then to grace Kirk with his most skeptical eyebrow.
Kirk rolls his eyes, "Yeah, I know we've been in each other's minds and there's not much more personal than that, but it doesn't mean privacy is out the window either."
Spock nods and lowers his gaze back to the board "I agree. What is your question?"
"Isn't Uhura annoyed that you're spending so much time with me? I feel like I'm taking up all of your free time." He pauses to watch as Spock moves his knight, then finishes "You know I can handle things now."
"Lieutenant Uhura has expressed surprise at our developing friendship" Spock starts and Jim grins, half amused at Uhura's comment half pleased at the implicit admission, "but also satisfaction," Spock continues "she believes it will be beneficial to both ourselves and the running of the ship. I am also aware that you do not necessitate my constant presence but I find your companionship pleasant. Is that acceptable?" He's looking at the board again when he asks that, but there's a telling tightness in his posture that wasn't there before.
"Of course it is!" There's a smile in Jim's voice and it's enough to relax Spock. "I'm having fun, I just didn't want to take advantage. Still, maybe you should spend some time with your girlfriend."
Kirk concentrates on checking the position of every piece, his strategy seems to be working and he has managed to put Spock momentarily on defense but he needs to be careful.
"Lieutenant Uhura and I are not engaged in a romantic relationship."
To hell with concentration.
"What? Since when?"
"Since I chose to join the new Vulcan colony."
Kirk frowns comically "But then you came back!"
"I did, but I had other reasons too. We agreed a friendship would suit us better."
I had other reasons too. Which sounds like she alone wasn't enough to stay. Yeah, Kirk wouldn't have settled for that either. He nods without commenting and moves his queen.
"Spock?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"Checkmate."
~o~
They slip out of the meld and Spock is satisfied with the progress they're managing, it's slow but evident. Jim's shields are stabilizing and even if he still concentrates on Spock's heartbeat to meditate, the Vulcan thinks it is more out of a sense of companionship than necessity. He doesn't mind.
"I have considered what you told me of your encounter with my older self during meditation." He broaches a subject that has been running through his mind for some time now. "It seems illogical to me that he would expose you to such danger performing a mind meld when you were in such a distressed state. Especially since he claimed a friendship with an alternate version of you, he should have known better."
"I don't think he knew the state I was in." Kirk replies, slightly surprised. "He was sure you were compromised but didn't say anything of the sort to me. Maybe he just didn't think of it. He was pretty shaken up himself after all."
"And he did not notice your distress during the meld?" Spock can't help his instinct to dissect every minute detail, especially when he has developed a deep personal interest in the matter.
"I think he attributed it to emotional transference. He said so." Kirk shrugs. "Spock, don't obsess over it. It's not anybody's fault. I already feel stupid, I mean there are Vulcans who have actually heard their families' voices among those screams, whose bonds have been broken. They're out there rebuilding and I'm here," he holds out his arms helplessly "completely unable to even hold my meditation for longer than fifteen minutes without help."
"Jim, you should not think less of yourself for this. Yes, Vulcans are rebuilding because it is necessary and logical to provide immediately for those who survived, but do not think they are not experiencing distress, the level of which is unparalleled in our history. I am also convinced that your empathic abilities have amplified the experience. I admit I wondered how you had survived it, let alone fight it for so long without assistance."
"What about you? You're handling it by yourself."
"You know better than anybody that I was gravely compromised. I have since been examined by a surviving Vulcan healer and engaged in deep meditation with my father. It is still an ongoing grieving process."
"I can't even imagine how the healers are coping then. Dealing with their grief and everybody else's."
"It is certainly a trying task." Spock concedes and they both fall silent for a moment.
Jim looks up at him and says in a low voice, "I could feel it. After you beamed back from Vulcan, those were the only times I ever felt you projecting. It was…" he shakes his head, unable to put it into words, "I'm sorry I had to turn it against you."
"It was necessary. I understood your reasons long ago." When Kirk looks at him, he can spot an intent in his eyes. Spock stays still, waiting, but after a moment Jim seems to shake himself and Spock is left wondering what he has convinced himself not to do.
"There is something else I wished to discuss." Spock says picking up the thread of conversation when Jim turns his gaze to the side.
Jim looks back at him, giving Spock his attention.
"Vulcans have a technique, similar perhaps to the one I used to allow you to sleep restfully, that serves a different purpose. It makes people forget about certain events, or emotions." He explains carefully.
As usual Jim seems to know exactly where Spock is going with his topic, as his eyes widen and he leans slightly back. "What are you saying, Spock?"
"I could make you forget." It's barely more than a whisper.
"No." His answer is categorical, his voice intense. "Never. I couldn't live with myself knowing I choose to forget. It wouldn't be fair to those who died, it wouldn't be respectful."
"I would only erase the empathic memories that flooded your mind, you wouldn't forget the events." Spock replies, even though he understands perfectly what Jim means, and a part of him had expected nothing less from him.
Jim shakes his head, "I know that it hurt me, but we're dealing with it and it's getting better. I can't just erase them, it's like… like I have something of them inside me." His voice cracks but he keeps going, "Emotions give meaning to what happened. We evolve as individuals because of that, I know it's not like that for Vulcans but it is for humans. Even when it hurts it makes us grow, I would never choose to forget just like I would never choose ignorance over knowledge. I'm all about the hard truth, Spock, because that I can face."
Spock considers it for a moment. "I understand." He says, because it's true, and adds this to the fascinating puzzle that is James Kirk.
"I know."
~o~
After almost three weeks of sessions with Spock, Kirk is in Sickbay again to be checked out by McCoy. He went willingly if only to spare himself the humiliation of being sedated on the bridge. He's dressing himself after Bones has thoroughly scanned every inch of him, obviously paying particular attention to his brain even though the doctor still claims it's nonexistent.
"Don't tell him but I think it's hilarious."
"What's hilarious, Bones?" Kirk asks looking up at his best friend after pulling his gold shirt back on.
"The fact that a Vulcan of all people is offering you the emotional support you need. And he's not just offering, he's actually bringing it from what I see. You haven't been this healthy in a while." McCoy explains looking at his readings and making some notes on a PADD.
"Bones, be careful. You sound like you're paying Spock a compliment and being happy about it. Should I call for a red alert?" he jokes.
"Shut up." McCoy grumbles.
"Maybe you've been infected with something. Or it's space madness! 'Cause you know, space is disease and madness wrapped up in darkness!" he grabs his friend by the shoulders "Feel like you're going to puke, Bones?"
"Enough!" he explodes, disentangling himself from Jim's grip. "Out of my sickbay you idiot parrot! Why did I ever talk to you? Why?"
"I think you were drunk, Bones." Kirk's laughing openly now, McCoy is still insulting him in colorful ways while shoving Jim ahead of him to hide the grin that he's barely keeping at bay. It's good to see his friend is back to being himself, but it doesn't mean he can hang around cluttering his Sickbay.
~o~
Their next diplomatic mission is to act like mediators between two neighboring planets who have a long history of on-and-off war. Starfleet wants to secure a peace treaty that will guarantee stability in such a key location of the quadrant and sends the flagship to make their intentions clear. The two races they come across probably have a distant common ancestor because their features have many commonalities and they both have telepathic abilities. Spock is worried at the added pressure these abilities will put on his Captain, who is already facing his biggest diplomatic challenge yet.
He doesn't mention the possible danger to Kirk, but is nonetheless reassured on the matter by his Captain who probably senses Spock's unease despite his attempt at controlling it.
It takes them nine days of strenuous almost non-stop talks to get the parties to agree on a peace treaty, but they also obtain a trade agreement and the foundation of a society that will manage cultural exchanges between the two civilizations, things that will no doubt help the peacekeeping efforts.
Kirk and Spock meet every night as usual to meditate, leaving out melding in favor of strengthening their shields. Those are the only moments Spock sees Jim relax and he finds himself in a similar predicament when alone with his friend.
When they finally depart at the end of their mission, Spock notices that Jim is bursting with energy, his happiness at their success almost palpable. They're walking to his Captain's quarters after dinner in the mess when Spock compliments him on his handling of the situation. Kirk replies "I couldn't have done it without you," stepping closer and moving his arm as if to hug him sideways but rapidly aborting the gesture and walking on. Spock falters in his step but follows him.
That night they meld again and Spock sees Jim's shields are stronger than ever. They end up sharing some memories, Jim laughing and thinking "You do that to test my attention level, don't you?" when Spock's inner voice slips into Vulcan, and Spock realizes for the first time that Jim actually speaks the language. How he did not notice before is beyond him, perhaps it has to do with the effect Jim's mind has on him. Some of the memories are from the last few days, and in them Spock can see Doctor McCoy watching the Captain like an hawk. "He's a mother hen" says Jim but his affection for his friend is clear and an older memory pushes to the front of his thoughts, this time the doctor is all but shouting "Have you been meditating at all?" his face contorted in a manner most hilarious to Jim.
They slip out of the meld to the sound of Jim's bright laughter, he is still holding Spock's wrist in his hand and Spock is so accustomed to the touch that he hadn't even noticed it, but now he is intensely aware of it as he is enveloped in Jim's happiness. Despite the fatigue Spock is sure Jim is feeling, his friend is unusually animated tonight and Spock basks in the pleasant waves emanating from Jim.
As Jim's hilarity subsides Spock asks about the last memory they saw and Jim tells him it's from their first year at the Academy, launching in a retelling of how he met the doctor and how they came to share a dorm room.
"At first sharing a room with Bones wasn't easy. I mean, you've met the guy. He's a firework both verbally and emotionally. I liked him and the verbal part was fun but the emotional side was hard on me the first few weeks. I hadn't been in close quarters with anyone for years, and even then it was with Sam so it was completely different, we were both trained to shield ourselves.
"I didn't tell him I was part Betazoid 'cause it's not all I am, right? And I didn't want him to feel bad. Slowly I got used to it and in a couple of months I had it under control. But then one day I was having lunch with him, eating what I thought was an innocuous piece of cake and my throat suddenly started feeling tight and my tongue was swelling. It turned out there was a stray piece of kiwi, just my luck, and obviously I'm allergic. He started jabbing me with hypos," Kirk mimics stabbing himself in the neck several times "he knew some of my allergies, but wasn't officially my doctor so he'd never seen my records and it was a bit trial and error there for a minute, but he got it right in the end." He grins.
"As soon as he had it under control he hauled me to the hospital and demanded to see my records, and of course as he started reading them he was yelling at me and telling me how I was an idiot. I kept telling him to shut up 'cause my head hurt and everything else too, my shields weren't holding well so he was really hurting me without knowing it. When he did shut up I was a little out of it and kept shushing him, because I could still feel his emotions." He grins again and shakes his head at the memory "He must have thought I was crazy, at least until he read the family history on my records and found out I was part Betazoid."
Jim pauses and his expression turns thoughtful, "He left without a word and didn't come back until three hours later. By then I was lucid and honestly panicking 'cause I thought he was either angry at me for not telling him or full on disgusted with me. What if he wasn't comfortable with a telepathic roommate? Privacy and all that, you know? Some people have problems with that, it's a matter of trust after all and I couldn't exactly present a good defense since I hadn't been honest with him. But then he came back and the first thing he did was asking me if I was shielding fine. I could only nod at him 'cause I was a little stunned, so he proceeded to tell me that he'd signed up for a class that taught doctors how to shield their minds, so they could treat telepathic patients without distressing them. Then he told me he wanted to be appointed as my doctor since obviously I couldn't take care of myself." He laughs then.
"What did you do?" Spock finally asks, even though the answer is quite obvious.
"The only logical thing, Spock." Jim smirks "I hugged him within an inch of his life."
~o~
Whenever they go on away missions, the Captain makes it a habit of scanning the emotions and thoughts of the beings they come across. On more than one occasion this manages to save lives or defuse possible crisis due to cultural misunderstandings.
One time, after they've beamed down to retrieve a team of scientists they will then accompany to the nearest Starbase, and have saluted the small circle of people welcoming them, the Captain steps next to Spock so they're close enough that the back of his hand touches Spock's for a brief moment.
It's not unusual for them to stand so close, they've been doing it practically since day one, without either of them consciously noticing it. The crew of the Enterprise is used to it and strangers wouldn't know the difference, so nobody bats an eye. It's somewhat an intimate touch, especially for a Vulcan, but it's not a kiss. They're familiar with each other in a way they're not with anybody else, so Spock doesn't mind it. It also has a practical purpose, which is for the Captain to subtly share what he knows with his First Officer without alerting anybody else. Of course the Captain doesn't need touch to communicate telepathically, it's just a signal he uses to warn Spock because Jim feels strongly about mind boundaries and that's something Spock respects deeply. It is perhaps due to the fact that he hasn't had much interaction with telepathic beings, while Betazoids normally use their abilities more liberally, Jim is used to the privacy of his mind and is adamant in granting the same respect to those around him.
When he feels the light touch on his hand Spock immediately concentrates on what Kirk is projecting. Mistrust is what he feels. "They're planning something and it's not good" is what Jim tells him. His suspicions seem to be confirmed when, instead of being led to the scientists' location, they are offered refreshments in the locals' council building, with the excuse that the team they're supposed to retrieve is occupied with last minute preparations.
Spock finds himself separated from Kirk but when he sees his Captain hesitate in drinking the traditional tea he's being offered, he doesn't even need the warning Kirk is sending out to understand that their drinks have been spiked either to kill or to incapacitate. He fakes dropping his own cup, something that is so uncharacteristic for him that it's sure to draw the attention of the whole landing party, and uses the distraction to aim his phaser at the leader's head. Everybody follows his lead and they find out the science team is being held hostage, but the locals just couldn't pass up on the opportunity of kidnapping the heroes of the Federation too.
"And you thought tea would get us when a crazy Romulan couldn't?" Kirk sneers at them, "Book 'em, Giotto." He orders and the security officers proceed to cuff all the suspects.
~o~
The mess hall is almost deserted when Kirk and Spock enter it to grab a late dinner after finally having won their battle against paperwork. Jim is almost convinced that even Spock would choose Klingons over paperwork any day of the week by now.
They sit at an empty table with a salad for Spock and a turkey sandwich for Jim, who's rubbing his neck trying unsuccessfully to alleviate the pain that has settled there.
"Captain, may I ask a personal query?" Spock asks after a couple of bites.
Kirk nods his assent, mouth busy chewing.
"I have garnered the impression that you have not had much contact with other telepathic beings. Am I correct?"
Kirk nods again, then elaborates "You're right. When my grandma moved to Earth she had to adapt to life there. Betazoids tend to come off as very blunt, almost rude, to Terrans and they don't really have the same sense of privacy, you know? They're used to their abilities so it's not weird for them to know exactly what those around them feel or think. But it is for Terrans. She took it in stride, but mom had a much harder time."
Spock frowns slightly.
"She was just a kid when she started showing her abilities, I think she was eleven, and while she was used to some teasing because of her black eyes," Spock's chest tightens at the words "that was nothing compared to what she got after. At first she didn't think of shielding or hiding what she knew, because she was used to grandma and it seemed fine. But kids are cruel, they started bullying her, calling her a freak, accusing her of lying only to protect themselves because she could call anybody on their bullshit. It was rough for her."
"Then one day she got so mad that she knocked out one of her teachers, she was projecting so strongly. The guy was fine, he just blacked out for a minute, but she got suspended. She went home and demanded to change school. After that she became adamant about shielding and privacy. She even shielded from her mother for a while, because she blamed her." He shrugs sadly and pauses to finish off his sandwich.
The remnants of Spock's salad are almost forgotten. "Did they resolve their divergence?"
"In time, yes. But mom was uncomfortable with herself for a long time and refused to openly acknowledge that part of her. It got better when she joined Starfleet and met dad. But then she lost him and she didn't want us to go through what she did. Grandma was great back then, I think that's when they really got it back, after the Kelvin. I mean, PTSD and post partum depression? That's a recipe for disaster if I've ever seen one. Grandma was the only one who could get through to her."
"You cannot possibly remember that period."
"No, but I've seen mom's memories." Jim taps his forehead with a smile, "She wanted me to know."
Spock forces himself to finish his dinner, unsure whether to prod further when Jim has already shared so much.
Kirk anticipates him though, "They trained us together, mom and grandma, when Sam and I started showing our abilities, so that's why it's always just been family for me. But they never told us to hide what we were." He pauses, "Not advertising it seemed safer though" he admits.
That night after meditation when Kirk whispers "I miss her" Spock doesn't need to ask who.
~o~
A couple days later Spock can't stop thinking about how isolated and lonely Kirk must have felt after his mother died, not having his brother there either. He knows the feeling and can relate to it, he wants to tell Jim that he understands but doesn't know how. That night he proposes a meld and Jim doesn't hesitate to give his consent. It's not unusual, Spock has been using mind melds to monitor his progress but they've been doing it less frequently now that Jim has regained his control. Spock misses the direct contact with Jim's mind but is able to shield that feeling from Jim when they meld. He can't hide his confusion though and it seeps through to Jim who reads it perfectly, without Spock having to explain.
"I know you understand." Jim says simply and his certainty surprises Spock, his mind flashing back to the Psi2000 incident when he had admitted he had never told his mother he loved her. How can he be understood without words?
"She knew." Jim reassures him.
"How?" Spock just has to ask.
"Because of this."
A flood of Spock's memories are gently evoked then and they see…
Spock as a child closing his eyes while his mother hugs him, a small hand gripping her robe.
Spock hitting his classmate because he cannot stand insults to his mother.
Spock refusing admittance to the Vulcan Science Academy because his mother is NOT a disadvantage.
Spock at the Academy sending messages and talking to his mother on video chats.
Spock holding her hand and protecting her while trying to save her from the destruction of Vulcan.
"She knew." Jim repeats, "Words are important, even necessary, but actions speak for themselves. She knew you, she understood you."
"Like you do." Spock cannot help but think back and he feels Jim's happiness in response.
When they slip out of the meld Jim doesn't comment on the fact that it didn't seem to have any purpose besides sharing something Spock didn't know how to voice. They just go about their routine, playing chess until Spock bids his Captain goodnight and retires.
The morning after, Spock engages in a brief solitary meditation and comes to the conclusion that perhaps Jim wasn't the only one healing during their sessions together.
~o~
They haven't melded in two weeks. Jim doesn't need help anymore, his shields are back full force and he has been controlling and using his abilities smoothly. They still meditate together everyday, it's one more thing they like to share and Jim loves spending so much time with Spock. Tonight when Jim proposes a meld Spock is reluctant. He has experienced a great deal of pain when he melded with the Horta earlier in the day, the creature was hurt and feeling a deep grief, Spock doesn't want to ruin Jim's newly reacquired balance and as he is distressed himself by the experience he can't guarantee a good shielding from it. Jim replies that's exactly why he wants to meld, he wants to help Spock process the pain, just like Spock did with him. He's sure he can do it and argues that Spock knows it too. Spock relents easily, he always cherishes Jim's touch in his mind.
They meld and Spock is immediately enveloped in Jim's presence, his touch is warm and soft while he eases Spock's pain. Spock feels bathed in the sun. Jim's mind pulls him closer and wraps around him with gentleness and care. Spock follows his friend willingly and is led to a place he has never seen in Jim's mind before. From the outside he can't see much except for stone walls and a white gate, there's foliage overflowing from the top of the walls and Spock thinks it's a secret garden. He knows it to be Jim's mind core and he's humbled at being lead here.
They enter and it is, as Spock thought, a beautiful blooming garden, colorful and buzzing with life. Spock turns to the sound of running water and sees it dip into a small pond, where the water is so still that Spock knows nothing could create a ripple in it. He kneels next to it, wondering that he can't see the bottom. "Those are all my memories" Jim explains, standing next to him. Spock stands up then, noticing something he hadn't seen before, a small floating light placidly drawing patterns in the air. "I don't know what that is." Jim says with a small smile, "It wasn't here before, but I really like it."
Spock's gaze follows the light, recognizing it from the first time he had melded with Jim to save him. The small globe flies toward them and swirls excitedly around Spock, "It seems to like you." Jim says with a laugh. The light never leaves them when they sit in the grass to simply revel in the peacefulness.
"Stay imzadi" Jim's mind whispers and in this ethereal place Spock can see Jim reaching for him.
Suddenly though he's being pushed away and the meld is broken. Spock is frozen in his spot, the sudden loss of Jim's presence so shocking that he has to restrain himself not to tremble.
Jim is leaning back as if he wants to physically escape Spock. The sight hurts him even more.
"Jim?" he murmurs.
Jim's face is flushed and his breathing is heavy, "Spock, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" he scrambles to kneel in front of Spock and reaches a hand toward him but he doesn't touch. "Tell me I didn't hurt you." He whispers.
"I was momentarily overwhelmed by the sudden breaking of the meld but I am not harmed." He pauses and Jim starts apologizing again. "Did I upset you in some way?" he asks surprising Jim into silence.
"What? No, of course not! I'm just tired and I think I lost my grip on it for a moment." He pauses not quite knowing how to address the real issue "I'm sorry if what you saw" heard "made you uncomfortable." He finishes lamely.
"Nothing in your mind has ever made me uncomfortable, Jim." He notices Jim's stunned expression and continues "But I am not familiar with a word you used." Spock looks at him and Jim stares back for a moment before averting his eyes, retreating into himself and sitting back on his cushion to further distance himself.
"Yeah, I don't know where that came from. I don't remember what it means."
Human memory is subject to error, Spock knows this. He could believe Jim's statement if he were making a face at Spock and shrugging, as he usually does when he is sincerely perplexed by something. But Jim is looking down to the side and his body is tense, his fake smile is self deprecating. Spock is reassured in some measure that his friend is obviously feeling bad about lying to him, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to know the truth. It doesn't stop him from wishing Jim would stop hiding from him. Does he not realize that Spock accepts him completely?
When Spock leaves his quarters shortly after, Jim walks to his bed, grabs his pillow and throws it at the opposite wall. In his head his own voice screams coward at him.
~o~
Stay imzadi.
The words echo in Spock's mind while he walks the corridors of the Enterprise. What does imzadi mean? It must be a Betazoid word and Spock regrets not being familiar with the language. He should have studied it, especially after learning of Jim. He should have learnt it for his Captain, for his friend.
His t'hy'la.
Stay
Why has he left? Why not insist with Jim to know the meaning of the word?
Stay imzadi.
Spock stops in his tracks. He's just outside the linguistics lab and he can see Uhura sitting at a table, working alone on a PADD. He steps inside and goes to sit opposite her.
"Hi, Spock." She greets him with a smile.
He replies with a nod, "Nyota, I have a query. Are you familiar with the Betazoid language?"
"Yes, what do you need?"
"What is the meaning of the word imzadi?"
"Where did you encounter that word?" Uhura frowns.
"I heard it spoken." Spock answers almost truthfully.
"You heard it? Is there a Betazoid on board? I had no idea! I'd love to meet them, I haven't had a chance to speak the language in a while."
"Perhaps I will introduce you to them if you share the information I need."
She laughs out loud at that "What is it, a bargain? Wait a minute, did this person call you imzadi?"
"Is it relevant?"
"Yes, it is! I thought you and Jim…" a stunned look takes over her face "Is the Captain a Betazoid?" she asks leaning over the table and lowering her voice.
Humans and their leaps of logic. How did they do it?
"He is!" Uhura seems to have taken his silence for a confirmation. "But it doesn't make any sense… how can you be imzadi…" She snaps her fingers. "You've been melding with him!" She recalls. "Do you still do it?"
"On occasion." Spock's completely befuddled by now and he answers almost by mere reflex.
"And melds without a purpose are a very intimate kind of contact. I can't believe it." She breathes the last words. "I never would have thought he had a romantic side."
"Nyota, I admit I do not follow your reasoning. The Captain and I are friends. Melds do not imply a romantic attachment." Spock's becoming exasperated.
"But you want to be more than friends, don't you? Then take him, Spock."
His face flushes furiously.
"Oh, look at you! You dirty minded Vulcan! You're blushing!" She laughs. "I meant you need to tell him how you feel and make it official. So I can tease the hell out of him!" Her grin has an evil edge to it.
"Nyota, I do not find any logic in your statements." He admits.
"Not my problem anymore, sweetie." She replies teasingly. "Just go get your man. Trust me." She winks at him.
~o~
Five minutes later Spock is back in Jim's quarters.
"Is everything okay?" Jim asks, wary.
"I have inquired as to the meaning of the word imzadi." Jim visibly tenses. "I asked Nyota." Spock adds.
"What did she say?" He's sitting on his bed, pointedly not looking at Spock.
"She did not elaborate on the meaning but seemed convinced that I should talk to you. I considered searching the linguistic archives."
Jim looks up at him then. "Did you?"
Spock shakes his head. "I came here after my conversation with her."
Jim takes a deep breath, "Are you okay? You know, after the Horta…" He makes a vague gesture.
"I am fully recuperated. Jim…"
"I'm not trying to derail you. Just checking." He threads a hand trough his hair "Would you be willing to meld again?"
Spock is surprised by the request, but agrees. They sit on their usual spots, cross-legged and close enough to touch. Spock places his fingers on Jim's meld points and Jim reaches for his free hand, gently grabbing his wrist.
The landscape of their joined minds shapes itself in a desert at night, Spock recognizes Vulcan in it but when he looks up at the dark sky he doesn't see its sister planet, there's Terra's moon in its stead. Spock lowers his gaze and is met by Jim's blue eyes, shining with a pure unguarded emotion. Spock can feel it all around him, warm like the desert wind.
"Imzadi means beloved, Spock. It also means first. And while I'm certainly not a virgin, the intimacy I have shared with you goes beyond anything I've ever experienced. I've never allowed anyone in my mind, or in my heart for that matter, the way I did with you." He steps closer, his fingers slowly caressing Spock's cheek, "I've called you my imzadi since that first night." It's only a murmur but with their minds joined Spock feels it reverberate through him with the power of Jim's love, finally revealed.
Everything shifts around them and together they watch Spock's memories of Jim. His soft smile when Spock stepped on the bridge that first day, every look that said so much without words, every time Spock noticed his friend relax when they were next to each other. Spock's surprise at finding out about Jim, his reverence while bringing him back, to him, because Spock wanted him. His need to be near Jim physically and mentally. Jim's gaze after the first time they had truly melded, a sight Spock cherished.
Stay imzadi.
Spock remembers the words and understands them now. He lets his love reach every corner of Jim's mind and soul.
They gently slip out of the meld and Jim pushes Spock on his back, straddling him and kissing him with all he's got, trying to impress with touch everything he feels for him. Their bodies fit perfectly together, just like their minds.
"Stay with me, imzadi."
"You do not need to ask, ashayam. I am and always will be yours."
~ fin ~
P.S. If you're like me and you need music to go with everything what you read, here is my playlist for this fic.
Universe/Series: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: PG-13
Relationship status: First Time
Word count: 16391
Genre: hurt/comfort, romance, slight AU (only as far as Kirk's genetical make-up)
Summary: Written for this prompt at the st_xi_kink_meme. Kirk is part Betazoid, he doesn't advertise it because it doesn't define him, but after feeling the terror and the psychic scream from the destruction of Vulcan he starts to break down. He can't block anything anymore and it almost kills him. Spock intervenes.
A/N: This is only my third attempt at K/S, I hope it's decent. Also, this fic was meant to be read in oneshot format but I had to split it in two due to word limit.
The following evening Kirk welcomes Spock in his quarters with a big smile. He's slept through the night, without nightmares, for the first time in months thanks to Spock.
"I went all out for you tonight!" he announces presenting with a flourish an addition to his quarters. It's a cozy and warm-looking meditation mat with two big cushions that seem very comfortable.
"We can still sit on the bed like yesterday if you prefer, but this is a classic, isn't it? And I promise your backside is gonna love that cushion!" his enthusiasm heartens Spock, it's clear the Captain has truly benefited from their previous session.
"Even ignoring the fact that backsides do not have a separate consciousness from that of the being they are attached to, in my case this part of my anatomy is as Vulcan as I am and therefore not prone to emotion." Spock deadpans.
Kirk laughs at that and then retorts "I have now melded with two versions of you and you're still going with that?" he shakes his head at Spock "You're not fooling me, mister!"
A corner of Spock's mouth quirks up almost imperceptibly and he decides to stir the conversation onto safer topics. "Have you experienced much discomfort today?" he asks, then goes to sit on one of the cushions. Kirk smiles and joins him.
"It wasn't a bed of roses but it wasn't as bad as before either. I still had to resort a bit to concentrating on you, though." He makes a face. "Sorry."
"Do not apologize, it is perfectly understandable."
"That felt easier too, actually. Like I could recognize your presence and find it more easily, at least when we are in the same room. I noticed it on the bridge. Do you think it's because we melded? Or was I just deluding myself?"
"I believe your conclusion is correct. Our minds are now more familiar with each other as we have engaged in a deep meld twice. It is something I had not thought of in a long while, but when I lived on Vulcan I was attuned to the presence of my parents' minds."
"You used to meld with them?" Kirk asks, not sure if he's allowed.
"On occasion, yes. I also meditated with my father whenever we were both available." Which wasn't often, but he had deeply missed it after his father disowned him for refusing admission to the Vulcan Science Academy.
Kirk nods "I had sort of forgotten how it was. I had become so used to it being unilateral, you know? With mom gone and my brother on another planet. I hadn't realized until now how much I missed being able to actually share this."
"I must admit to a similar realization."
They look at each other for a moment and Kirk feels a little awkward. He considers Spock a friend but he's not used to share so much with someone, especially this part of himself, but it feels right and if anybody can understand he thinks that's Spock. So he takes a breath and steels himself, reminding himself that he already trusts Spock with everything and this is just one more thing.
"Okay, what do we start with?"
"I believe we should begin with meditating. I will keep my meditation light so as to be aware of you at all times in case you need assistance."
Kirk nods and positions himself comfortably, his eyes falling shut. He concentrates on evening his breath and cleansing his mind of all thoughts, it's hard because he feels the pressure of emotions pushing against his precarious shields. He tries to retreat further into his mind, find his core, peaceful and beautiful where he can order his thoughts and feelings but something shatters and he opens his eyes again.
Spock's eyes fly open immediately after, "Seven point two minutes" he informs.
Kirk groans and drops his head onto his crossed legs "That's even worse than usual."
"What interfered?"
"I'm not sure. I couldn't completely block everything out but I don't think it was that. It felt like I was stuck and just couldn't go deeper. It's been feeling like this since Vulcan, every time I tried to meditate."
Spock then asks permission for a meld and soon finds that Jim's mind has erected a barrier to protect itself from the empathic memory of the destruction of Vulcan. Unfortunately this also means that Jim cannot process those emotions, the barrier is there because he has already been overwhelmed once and probably wouldn't survive it a second time, but unless they are dealt with there will be no true healing either. They both understand this and in the meld Spock can feel all too clearly Jim's reluctance.
A memory comes to the front of Jim's mind, in it he's a kid sitting on a cushion in front of a blond woman, he reaches for her wrist and grabs it, seemingly concentrating on her heartbeat to achieve meditation. The memory fades and a music plays softly, peaceful and soothing, Spock recognizes some of the Terran instruments, flute, violin, piano, maybe small bells. He is mesmerized by the harmony they create. "I used to listen to this at the Academy to keep out all the noise while I was meditating." Jim supplies.
When they slip out of the meld Spock proposes they try meditating again and offers Jim his wrist. Jim hesitates, saying it will distract Spock because of his touch telepathy but Spock argues he was already using his telepathy to monitor him, this will actually be less taxing on him. Kirk relents then.
At first it seems like it won't work, Spock's heart beats faster than that of a human and it's a little disconcerting for Jim. Once he gets past the novelty of it though, he actually manages to concentrate on it so well that it's like it's pulsing directly in his mind, and it's incredibly reassuring. Keeping it as a focus he starts strengthening his shields and doesn't feel any interference.
It lasts forty-three minutes before a communication from the bridge beeps on his terminal breaking the silence and their meditation. Kirk curses under his breath and stands up to answer it. It's nothing that couldn't have waited and he mentally berates himself for not putting the filter for emergencies only up. Still, they have already made progress and Spock says they will meditate again in the morning before their shift, since it seems they found a way that works, and that cheers Jim up a bit.
When Spock leaves his quarters, Kirk realizes with a start that he misses not just his physical presence but his mental one, too. The feeling was dimmed when Spock was still there, but it's undeniable now.
~o~
"You didn't tell me Spock pulled me out of my coma." Kirk says without preamble, dropping in the chair in front of McCoy's desk in his office.
"Sorry, I was busy making sure you wouldn't slip right back into it." The doctor replies sarcastically.
Kirk raises his hands in mock surrender "Fine. No need to get bitchy." He grins at McCoy's scowl. "I was just surprised, is all."
"He said he was gonna talk to you, I figured he'd tell you himself." Kirk nods, confirming it and McCoy asks "So, how's your therapy with the elf going? Is he any good?"
"It's going well. It's not easy but I'm slowly getting some of my control back." He pauses then adds "He's pretty amazing actually. Never felt anything like it."
McCoy's eyebrows hit his hairline "Are we still talking about therapy here?"
Kirk smirks "Are you jealous, Bones? You wanna get in my mind-pants too?"
"Not even if you beg."
~o~
When Spock enters his Captain's quarters he notices immediately that the temperature is warmer than usual. Not quite like Spock's standard setting but significantly warmer than the rest of the ship. Kirk doesn't seem disturbed by the slight change and Spock doesn't mention it, silently appreciating the gesture.
"What you got there, Spock?"
"A scented candle, Captain." He holds it up so that Kirk can see it better. "It is supposed to enhance calm and facilitate meditation. I checked with Doctor McCoy, you should not have any adverse reaction to its components."
Kirk looks amused, "Is it even possible to have an allergic reaction to a candle?"
"I believe you capable of many unusual feats."
"I'll pretend that's a compliment" Kirk grinned at him.
Spock doesn't reply, instead moving to what is becoming their usual spot for meditation, Kirk immediately follows and they settle comfortably. Spock lights the candle and places it next to them, offering his wrist to his Captain as they wordlessly fall in a meditative state. Tonight Spock plans to confront the empathic memories that have been eating at Jim for so long, but he chooses not to tell him before they meld, he doesn't want Jim to be anxious when attempting meditation.
As soon as they meld he can't hide his intent any more.
"Do not resist, Jim."
"I can't. I don't want you to feel this. Not again."
"I am here to help."
"It's not fair. You shouldn't have to relive it."
"I will not be alone this time and neither will you. We will face it together."
Jim is silent, all his energy concentrated on blocking Spock. It's straining him and they both know he won't last much longer, he's too weakened.
"Jim, cease your attempts at resistance. It will increase your pain and destroy you in the end. I will not allow it."
"You're bossy." There's a laugh around that thought and Spock can feel Jim is starting to give in, slowly allowing Spock to deepen the meld.
It's not easy. In fact, apart from the first hand experience they both had, reliving the last moments of the Vulcan people is the hardest thing they've ever done. But Spock was right, together they're stronger and even if at first it seems they will be submerged by the crippling fear so many katras shared in those last moments, they actually manage to shield and sift through the memories at their pace.
There's a paralyzing second though, when Spock has the distinct impression of feeling his mother, that has them almost crumbling under the pressure. Jim is somehow able to separate that feeling and shield it from Spock, who finds his control back. It is illogical, he tells Jim, his mother was not a telepath and there can't be any trace of her in these memories. Still his mind throbs painfully where his parental link with her once was. Jim doesn't remind Spock that his memories are empathic too and therefore there is a trace of Amanda in his mind, he just hadn't been able to distinguish her before. Now that he knows, he holds onto it. He will cherish it for Spock. One day, he promises himself, he will let Spock know that among the fear she also felt happiness because she saw her son one last time, and her love will burn in Jim's mind until Spock is ready to feel it again.
~o~
That night Jim wakes up with tears running on his face, the burning pain that seems to split his head in two must have been building for a while and he barely has time to open his eyes and moan in pain before he is hit by a bout of nausea. He stumbles out of the bed, almost falling, and rushes to the bathroom, dropping on his knees in front of the toilet. He makes it just in time, but between the puking and the splitting headache he feels about to pass out. His vision blurs, black spots appearing at the corners, and he has a flare of panic thinking "Not again".
When the heaving subsides he slowly lies down on the tile floor trying to fight off the loss of consciousness with even breaths. The last thing he remembers thinking is "Spock!" and then nothing.
~o~
Spock wakes up with a jolt, sure that he has heard his Captain call his name. Of course a cursory glance around his quarters confirms what he already knows, Jim is not in Spock's quarters. That leaves only the possibility of a telepathic communication which alarms Spock even more. He doesn't hesitate in leaving his quarters and rapidly reaches Kirk's that are fortunately next door, overriding the code without a second thought. It is the most logical course of action and if he is mistaken he will apologize for the intrusion.
The room is dark and quiet when he enters, Spock slows his pace and orders the light to fifteen percent, enough to see but not too disturbing if his Captain is sleeping. The bed is empty and Kirk is nowhere in sight though, so Spock enters the bathroom and finds him unconscious on the floor. The sight chills him but doesn't stop him, he kneels next to Kirk and rapidly assesses that he is unconscious but has not slipped into a coma again. Relieved, Spock finds a cloth and wets it to dab at Jim's face, who slowly starts to stir.
"Jim?"
Kirk grimaces, the pain from his headache coming back with his senses, "Spock?" he croaks, throat raw from the previous abuse, "What are you doing here?"
"You called for me."
"What?" his face is scrunched up in pain, eyes shut tight against the low lights.
"You are in pain, I should call Doctor McCoy."
Kirk's hand shoots up to grab Spock's arm, "No, don't wake him. I've got what I need for the migraine there." He points to a cabinet. "I just didn't reach it in time."
Spock opens it and finds a small kit with various hyposprays inside, mostly allergy shots as he quickly finds out.
"The blue one." Says Kirk from the floor, then adds "Don't worry, it's all Bones approved."
Spock doesn't doubt it and proceeds to inject Kirk with the right hypo. He carefully helps his Captain up, despite Kirk's protests that he should just stay on the floor, and leads him back to bed, sitting himself on its edge. Fifteen minutes pass in a relaxed silence until Kirk drops his hand from his eyes, the meds finally taking effect.
"How exactly did I call for you?" he asks, confused and bleary eyed.
"Telepathically, Captain."
Kirk groans, unhappy at his lack of control. "Sorry I woke you up."
"There is no need to apologize. Did you experience distress because of the meld?"
"I don't know, I guess we opened up a can of worms last night and these are the consequences."
Spock's eyebrows vanish under his hairline. "We did no such thing."
"It's an expression." Jim says with a weak smile, "It means we chose to do something over which we don't have much control and now we must deal with the mess."
"I see." He pauses, "I should have ensured that you rested peacefully, I can provide that now if you wish."
Kirk sighs and nods "Thanks, Spock."
~o~
They're playing chess in Kirk's quarters after a long boring day of watching stars fly by while they're on route to Xippin III, where they are escorting a delegation of diplomats.
"I have a question," Kirk says after moving his bishop "but you're not gonna like it."
Spock doesn't lift his gaze from the chessboard, intent on studying the situation. "How did you reach that conclusion?"
"Because it's a personal question."
Spock looks up then to grace Kirk with his most skeptical eyebrow.
Kirk rolls his eyes, "Yeah, I know we've been in each other's minds and there's not much more personal than that, but it doesn't mean privacy is out the window either."
Spock nods and lowers his gaze back to the board "I agree. What is your question?"
"Isn't Uhura annoyed that you're spending so much time with me? I feel like I'm taking up all of your free time." He pauses to watch as Spock moves his knight, then finishes "You know I can handle things now."
"Lieutenant Uhura has expressed surprise at our developing friendship" Spock starts and Jim grins, half amused at Uhura's comment half pleased at the implicit admission, "but also satisfaction," Spock continues "she believes it will be beneficial to both ourselves and the running of the ship. I am also aware that you do not necessitate my constant presence but I find your companionship pleasant. Is that acceptable?" He's looking at the board again when he asks that, but there's a telling tightness in his posture that wasn't there before.
"Of course it is!" There's a smile in Jim's voice and it's enough to relax Spock. "I'm having fun, I just didn't want to take advantage. Still, maybe you should spend some time with your girlfriend."
Kirk concentrates on checking the position of every piece, his strategy seems to be working and he has managed to put Spock momentarily on defense but he needs to be careful.
"Lieutenant Uhura and I are not engaged in a romantic relationship."
To hell with concentration.
"What? Since when?"
"Since I chose to join the new Vulcan colony."
Kirk frowns comically "But then you came back!"
"I did, but I had other reasons too. We agreed a friendship would suit us better."
I had other reasons too. Which sounds like she alone wasn't enough to stay. Yeah, Kirk wouldn't have settled for that either. He nods without commenting and moves his queen.
"Spock?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"Checkmate."
~o~
They slip out of the meld and Spock is satisfied with the progress they're managing, it's slow but evident. Jim's shields are stabilizing and even if he still concentrates on Spock's heartbeat to meditate, the Vulcan thinks it is more out of a sense of companionship than necessity. He doesn't mind.
"I have considered what you told me of your encounter with my older self during meditation." He broaches a subject that has been running through his mind for some time now. "It seems illogical to me that he would expose you to such danger performing a mind meld when you were in such a distressed state. Especially since he claimed a friendship with an alternate version of you, he should have known better."
"I don't think he knew the state I was in." Kirk replies, slightly surprised. "He was sure you were compromised but didn't say anything of the sort to me. Maybe he just didn't think of it. He was pretty shaken up himself after all."
"And he did not notice your distress during the meld?" Spock can't help his instinct to dissect every minute detail, especially when he has developed a deep personal interest in the matter.
"I think he attributed it to emotional transference. He said so." Kirk shrugs. "Spock, don't obsess over it. It's not anybody's fault. I already feel stupid, I mean there are Vulcans who have actually heard their families' voices among those screams, whose bonds have been broken. They're out there rebuilding and I'm here," he holds out his arms helplessly "completely unable to even hold my meditation for longer than fifteen minutes without help."
"Jim, you should not think less of yourself for this. Yes, Vulcans are rebuilding because it is necessary and logical to provide immediately for those who survived, but do not think they are not experiencing distress, the level of which is unparalleled in our history. I am also convinced that your empathic abilities have amplified the experience. I admit I wondered how you had survived it, let alone fight it for so long without assistance."
"What about you? You're handling it by yourself."
"You know better than anybody that I was gravely compromised. I have since been examined by a surviving Vulcan healer and engaged in deep meditation with my father. It is still an ongoing grieving process."
"I can't even imagine how the healers are coping then. Dealing with their grief and everybody else's."
"It is certainly a trying task." Spock concedes and they both fall silent for a moment.
Jim looks up at him and says in a low voice, "I could feel it. After you beamed back from Vulcan, those were the only times I ever felt you projecting. It was…" he shakes his head, unable to put it into words, "I'm sorry I had to turn it against you."
"It was necessary. I understood your reasons long ago." When Kirk looks at him, he can spot an intent in his eyes. Spock stays still, waiting, but after a moment Jim seems to shake himself and Spock is left wondering what he has convinced himself not to do.
"There is something else I wished to discuss." Spock says picking up the thread of conversation when Jim turns his gaze to the side.
Jim looks back at him, giving Spock his attention.
"Vulcans have a technique, similar perhaps to the one I used to allow you to sleep restfully, that serves a different purpose. It makes people forget about certain events, or emotions." He explains carefully.
As usual Jim seems to know exactly where Spock is going with his topic, as his eyes widen and he leans slightly back. "What are you saying, Spock?"
"I could make you forget." It's barely more than a whisper.
"No." His answer is categorical, his voice intense. "Never. I couldn't live with myself knowing I choose to forget. It wouldn't be fair to those who died, it wouldn't be respectful."
"I would only erase the empathic memories that flooded your mind, you wouldn't forget the events." Spock replies, even though he understands perfectly what Jim means, and a part of him had expected nothing less from him.
Jim shakes his head, "I know that it hurt me, but we're dealing with it and it's getting better. I can't just erase them, it's like… like I have something of them inside me." His voice cracks but he keeps going, "Emotions give meaning to what happened. We evolve as individuals because of that, I know it's not like that for Vulcans but it is for humans. Even when it hurts it makes us grow, I would never choose to forget just like I would never choose ignorance over knowledge. I'm all about the hard truth, Spock, because that I can face."
Spock considers it for a moment. "I understand." He says, because it's true, and adds this to the fascinating puzzle that is James Kirk.
"I know."
~o~
After almost three weeks of sessions with Spock, Kirk is in Sickbay again to be checked out by McCoy. He went willingly if only to spare himself the humiliation of being sedated on the bridge. He's dressing himself after Bones has thoroughly scanned every inch of him, obviously paying particular attention to his brain even though the doctor still claims it's nonexistent.
"Don't tell him but I think it's hilarious."
"What's hilarious, Bones?" Kirk asks looking up at his best friend after pulling his gold shirt back on.
"The fact that a Vulcan of all people is offering you the emotional support you need. And he's not just offering, he's actually bringing it from what I see. You haven't been this healthy in a while." McCoy explains looking at his readings and making some notes on a PADD.
"Bones, be careful. You sound like you're paying Spock a compliment and being happy about it. Should I call for a red alert?" he jokes.
"Shut up." McCoy grumbles.
"Maybe you've been infected with something. Or it's space madness! 'Cause you know, space is disease and madness wrapped up in darkness!" he grabs his friend by the shoulders "Feel like you're going to puke, Bones?"
"Enough!" he explodes, disentangling himself from Jim's grip. "Out of my sickbay you idiot parrot! Why did I ever talk to you? Why?"
"I think you were drunk, Bones." Kirk's laughing openly now, McCoy is still insulting him in colorful ways while shoving Jim ahead of him to hide the grin that he's barely keeping at bay. It's good to see his friend is back to being himself, but it doesn't mean he can hang around cluttering his Sickbay.
~o~
Their next diplomatic mission is to act like mediators between two neighboring planets who have a long history of on-and-off war. Starfleet wants to secure a peace treaty that will guarantee stability in such a key location of the quadrant and sends the flagship to make their intentions clear. The two races they come across probably have a distant common ancestor because their features have many commonalities and they both have telepathic abilities. Spock is worried at the added pressure these abilities will put on his Captain, who is already facing his biggest diplomatic challenge yet.
He doesn't mention the possible danger to Kirk, but is nonetheless reassured on the matter by his Captain who probably senses Spock's unease despite his attempt at controlling it.
It takes them nine days of strenuous almost non-stop talks to get the parties to agree on a peace treaty, but they also obtain a trade agreement and the foundation of a society that will manage cultural exchanges between the two civilizations, things that will no doubt help the peacekeeping efforts.
Kirk and Spock meet every night as usual to meditate, leaving out melding in favor of strengthening their shields. Those are the only moments Spock sees Jim relax and he finds himself in a similar predicament when alone with his friend.
When they finally depart at the end of their mission, Spock notices that Jim is bursting with energy, his happiness at their success almost palpable. They're walking to his Captain's quarters after dinner in the mess when Spock compliments him on his handling of the situation. Kirk replies "I couldn't have done it without you," stepping closer and moving his arm as if to hug him sideways but rapidly aborting the gesture and walking on. Spock falters in his step but follows him.
That night they meld again and Spock sees Jim's shields are stronger than ever. They end up sharing some memories, Jim laughing and thinking "You do that to test my attention level, don't you?" when Spock's inner voice slips into Vulcan, and Spock realizes for the first time that Jim actually speaks the language. How he did not notice before is beyond him, perhaps it has to do with the effect Jim's mind has on him. Some of the memories are from the last few days, and in them Spock can see Doctor McCoy watching the Captain like an hawk. "He's a mother hen" says Jim but his affection for his friend is clear and an older memory pushes to the front of his thoughts, this time the doctor is all but shouting "Have you been meditating at all?" his face contorted in a manner most hilarious to Jim.
They slip out of the meld to the sound of Jim's bright laughter, he is still holding Spock's wrist in his hand and Spock is so accustomed to the touch that he hadn't even noticed it, but now he is intensely aware of it as he is enveloped in Jim's happiness. Despite the fatigue Spock is sure Jim is feeling, his friend is unusually animated tonight and Spock basks in the pleasant waves emanating from Jim.
As Jim's hilarity subsides Spock asks about the last memory they saw and Jim tells him it's from their first year at the Academy, launching in a retelling of how he met the doctor and how they came to share a dorm room.
"At first sharing a room with Bones wasn't easy. I mean, you've met the guy. He's a firework both verbally and emotionally. I liked him and the verbal part was fun but the emotional side was hard on me the first few weeks. I hadn't been in close quarters with anyone for years, and even then it was with Sam so it was completely different, we were both trained to shield ourselves.
"I didn't tell him I was part Betazoid 'cause it's not all I am, right? And I didn't want him to feel bad. Slowly I got used to it and in a couple of months I had it under control. But then one day I was having lunch with him, eating what I thought was an innocuous piece of cake and my throat suddenly started feeling tight and my tongue was swelling. It turned out there was a stray piece of kiwi, just my luck, and obviously I'm allergic. He started jabbing me with hypos," Kirk mimics stabbing himself in the neck several times "he knew some of my allergies, but wasn't officially my doctor so he'd never seen my records and it was a bit trial and error there for a minute, but he got it right in the end." He grins.
"As soon as he had it under control he hauled me to the hospital and demanded to see my records, and of course as he started reading them he was yelling at me and telling me how I was an idiot. I kept telling him to shut up 'cause my head hurt and everything else too, my shields weren't holding well so he was really hurting me without knowing it. When he did shut up I was a little out of it and kept shushing him, because I could still feel his emotions." He grins again and shakes his head at the memory "He must have thought I was crazy, at least until he read the family history on my records and found out I was part Betazoid."
Jim pauses and his expression turns thoughtful, "He left without a word and didn't come back until three hours later. By then I was lucid and honestly panicking 'cause I thought he was either angry at me for not telling him or full on disgusted with me. What if he wasn't comfortable with a telepathic roommate? Privacy and all that, you know? Some people have problems with that, it's a matter of trust after all and I couldn't exactly present a good defense since I hadn't been honest with him. But then he came back and the first thing he did was asking me if I was shielding fine. I could only nod at him 'cause I was a little stunned, so he proceeded to tell me that he'd signed up for a class that taught doctors how to shield their minds, so they could treat telepathic patients without distressing them. Then he told me he wanted to be appointed as my doctor since obviously I couldn't take care of myself." He laughs then.
"What did you do?" Spock finally asks, even though the answer is quite obvious.
"The only logical thing, Spock." Jim smirks "I hugged him within an inch of his life."
~o~
Whenever they go on away missions, the Captain makes it a habit of scanning the emotions and thoughts of the beings they come across. On more than one occasion this manages to save lives or defuse possible crisis due to cultural misunderstandings.
One time, after they've beamed down to retrieve a team of scientists they will then accompany to the nearest Starbase, and have saluted the small circle of people welcoming them, the Captain steps next to Spock so they're close enough that the back of his hand touches Spock's for a brief moment.
It's not unusual for them to stand so close, they've been doing it practically since day one, without either of them consciously noticing it. The crew of the Enterprise is used to it and strangers wouldn't know the difference, so nobody bats an eye. It's somewhat an intimate touch, especially for a Vulcan, but it's not a kiss. They're familiar with each other in a way they're not with anybody else, so Spock doesn't mind it. It also has a practical purpose, which is for the Captain to subtly share what he knows with his First Officer without alerting anybody else. Of course the Captain doesn't need touch to communicate telepathically, it's just a signal he uses to warn Spock because Jim feels strongly about mind boundaries and that's something Spock respects deeply. It is perhaps due to the fact that he hasn't had much interaction with telepathic beings, while Betazoids normally use their abilities more liberally, Jim is used to the privacy of his mind and is adamant in granting the same respect to those around him.
When he feels the light touch on his hand Spock immediately concentrates on what Kirk is projecting. Mistrust is what he feels. "They're planning something and it's not good" is what Jim tells him. His suspicions seem to be confirmed when, instead of being led to the scientists' location, they are offered refreshments in the locals' council building, with the excuse that the team they're supposed to retrieve is occupied with last minute preparations.
Spock finds himself separated from Kirk but when he sees his Captain hesitate in drinking the traditional tea he's being offered, he doesn't even need the warning Kirk is sending out to understand that their drinks have been spiked either to kill or to incapacitate. He fakes dropping his own cup, something that is so uncharacteristic for him that it's sure to draw the attention of the whole landing party, and uses the distraction to aim his phaser at the leader's head. Everybody follows his lead and they find out the science team is being held hostage, but the locals just couldn't pass up on the opportunity of kidnapping the heroes of the Federation too.
"And you thought tea would get us when a crazy Romulan couldn't?" Kirk sneers at them, "Book 'em, Giotto." He orders and the security officers proceed to cuff all the suspects.
~o~
The mess hall is almost deserted when Kirk and Spock enter it to grab a late dinner after finally having won their battle against paperwork. Jim is almost convinced that even Spock would choose Klingons over paperwork any day of the week by now.
They sit at an empty table with a salad for Spock and a turkey sandwich for Jim, who's rubbing his neck trying unsuccessfully to alleviate the pain that has settled there.
"Captain, may I ask a personal query?" Spock asks after a couple of bites.
Kirk nods his assent, mouth busy chewing.
"I have garnered the impression that you have not had much contact with other telepathic beings. Am I correct?"
Kirk nods again, then elaborates "You're right. When my grandma moved to Earth she had to adapt to life there. Betazoids tend to come off as very blunt, almost rude, to Terrans and they don't really have the same sense of privacy, you know? They're used to their abilities so it's not weird for them to know exactly what those around them feel or think. But it is for Terrans. She took it in stride, but mom had a much harder time."
Spock frowns slightly.
"She was just a kid when she started showing her abilities, I think she was eleven, and while she was used to some teasing because of her black eyes," Spock's chest tightens at the words "that was nothing compared to what she got after. At first she didn't think of shielding or hiding what she knew, because she was used to grandma and it seemed fine. But kids are cruel, they started bullying her, calling her a freak, accusing her of lying only to protect themselves because she could call anybody on their bullshit. It was rough for her."
"Then one day she got so mad that she knocked out one of her teachers, she was projecting so strongly. The guy was fine, he just blacked out for a minute, but she got suspended. She went home and demanded to change school. After that she became adamant about shielding and privacy. She even shielded from her mother for a while, because she blamed her." He shrugs sadly and pauses to finish off his sandwich.
The remnants of Spock's salad are almost forgotten. "Did they resolve their divergence?"
"In time, yes. But mom was uncomfortable with herself for a long time and refused to openly acknowledge that part of her. It got better when she joined Starfleet and met dad. But then she lost him and she didn't want us to go through what she did. Grandma was great back then, I think that's when they really got it back, after the Kelvin. I mean, PTSD and post partum depression? That's a recipe for disaster if I've ever seen one. Grandma was the only one who could get through to her."
"You cannot possibly remember that period."
"No, but I've seen mom's memories." Jim taps his forehead with a smile, "She wanted me to know."
Spock forces himself to finish his dinner, unsure whether to prod further when Jim has already shared so much.
Kirk anticipates him though, "They trained us together, mom and grandma, when Sam and I started showing our abilities, so that's why it's always just been family for me. But they never told us to hide what we were." He pauses, "Not advertising it seemed safer though" he admits.
That night after meditation when Kirk whispers "I miss her" Spock doesn't need to ask who.
~o~
A couple days later Spock can't stop thinking about how isolated and lonely Kirk must have felt after his mother died, not having his brother there either. He knows the feeling and can relate to it, he wants to tell Jim that he understands but doesn't know how. That night he proposes a meld and Jim doesn't hesitate to give his consent. It's not unusual, Spock has been using mind melds to monitor his progress but they've been doing it less frequently now that Jim has regained his control. Spock misses the direct contact with Jim's mind but is able to shield that feeling from Jim when they meld. He can't hide his confusion though and it seeps through to Jim who reads it perfectly, without Spock having to explain.
"I know you understand." Jim says simply and his certainty surprises Spock, his mind flashing back to the Psi2000 incident when he had admitted he had never told his mother he loved her. How can he be understood without words?
"She knew." Jim reassures him.
"How?" Spock just has to ask.
"Because of this."
A flood of Spock's memories are gently evoked then and they see…
Spock as a child closing his eyes while his mother hugs him, a small hand gripping her robe.
Spock hitting his classmate because he cannot stand insults to his mother.
Spock refusing admittance to the Vulcan Science Academy because his mother is NOT a disadvantage.
Spock at the Academy sending messages and talking to his mother on video chats.
Spock holding her hand and protecting her while trying to save her from the destruction of Vulcan.
"She knew." Jim repeats, "Words are important, even necessary, but actions speak for themselves. She knew you, she understood you."
"Like you do." Spock cannot help but think back and he feels Jim's happiness in response.
When they slip out of the meld Jim doesn't comment on the fact that it didn't seem to have any purpose besides sharing something Spock didn't know how to voice. They just go about their routine, playing chess until Spock bids his Captain goodnight and retires.
The morning after, Spock engages in a brief solitary meditation and comes to the conclusion that perhaps Jim wasn't the only one healing during their sessions together.
~o~
They haven't melded in two weeks. Jim doesn't need help anymore, his shields are back full force and he has been controlling and using his abilities smoothly. They still meditate together everyday, it's one more thing they like to share and Jim loves spending so much time with Spock. Tonight when Jim proposes a meld Spock is reluctant. He has experienced a great deal of pain when he melded with the Horta earlier in the day, the creature was hurt and feeling a deep grief, Spock doesn't want to ruin Jim's newly reacquired balance and as he is distressed himself by the experience he can't guarantee a good shielding from it. Jim replies that's exactly why he wants to meld, he wants to help Spock process the pain, just like Spock did with him. He's sure he can do it and argues that Spock knows it too. Spock relents easily, he always cherishes Jim's touch in his mind.
They meld and Spock is immediately enveloped in Jim's presence, his touch is warm and soft while he eases Spock's pain. Spock feels bathed in the sun. Jim's mind pulls him closer and wraps around him with gentleness and care. Spock follows his friend willingly and is led to a place he has never seen in Jim's mind before. From the outside he can't see much except for stone walls and a white gate, there's foliage overflowing from the top of the walls and Spock thinks it's a secret garden. He knows it to be Jim's mind core and he's humbled at being lead here.
They enter and it is, as Spock thought, a beautiful blooming garden, colorful and buzzing with life. Spock turns to the sound of running water and sees it dip into a small pond, where the water is so still that Spock knows nothing could create a ripple in it. He kneels next to it, wondering that he can't see the bottom. "Those are all my memories" Jim explains, standing next to him. Spock stands up then, noticing something he hadn't seen before, a small floating light placidly drawing patterns in the air. "I don't know what that is." Jim says with a small smile, "It wasn't here before, but I really like it."
Spock's gaze follows the light, recognizing it from the first time he had melded with Jim to save him. The small globe flies toward them and swirls excitedly around Spock, "It seems to like you." Jim says with a laugh. The light never leaves them when they sit in the grass to simply revel in the peacefulness.
"Stay imzadi" Jim's mind whispers and in this ethereal place Spock can see Jim reaching for him.
Suddenly though he's being pushed away and the meld is broken. Spock is frozen in his spot, the sudden loss of Jim's presence so shocking that he has to restrain himself not to tremble.
Jim is leaning back as if he wants to physically escape Spock. The sight hurts him even more.
"Jim?" he murmurs.
Jim's face is flushed and his breathing is heavy, "Spock, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" he scrambles to kneel in front of Spock and reaches a hand toward him but he doesn't touch. "Tell me I didn't hurt you." He whispers.
"I was momentarily overwhelmed by the sudden breaking of the meld but I am not harmed." He pauses and Jim starts apologizing again. "Did I upset you in some way?" he asks surprising Jim into silence.
"What? No, of course not! I'm just tired and I think I lost my grip on it for a moment." He pauses not quite knowing how to address the real issue "I'm sorry if what you saw" heard "made you uncomfortable." He finishes lamely.
"Nothing in your mind has ever made me uncomfortable, Jim." He notices Jim's stunned expression and continues "But I am not familiar with a word you used." Spock looks at him and Jim stares back for a moment before averting his eyes, retreating into himself and sitting back on his cushion to further distance himself.
"Yeah, I don't know where that came from. I don't remember what it means."
Human memory is subject to error, Spock knows this. He could believe Jim's statement if he were making a face at Spock and shrugging, as he usually does when he is sincerely perplexed by something. But Jim is looking down to the side and his body is tense, his fake smile is self deprecating. Spock is reassured in some measure that his friend is obviously feeling bad about lying to him, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to know the truth. It doesn't stop him from wishing Jim would stop hiding from him. Does he not realize that Spock accepts him completely?
When Spock leaves his quarters shortly after, Jim walks to his bed, grabs his pillow and throws it at the opposite wall. In his head his own voice screams coward at him.
~o~
Stay imzadi.
The words echo in Spock's mind while he walks the corridors of the Enterprise. What does imzadi mean? It must be a Betazoid word and Spock regrets not being familiar with the language. He should have studied it, especially after learning of Jim. He should have learnt it for his Captain, for his friend.
His t'hy'la.
Stay
Why has he left? Why not insist with Jim to know the meaning of the word?
Stay imzadi.
Spock stops in his tracks. He's just outside the linguistics lab and he can see Uhura sitting at a table, working alone on a PADD. He steps inside and goes to sit opposite her.
"Hi, Spock." She greets him with a smile.
He replies with a nod, "Nyota, I have a query. Are you familiar with the Betazoid language?"
"Yes, what do you need?"
"What is the meaning of the word imzadi?"
"Where did you encounter that word?" Uhura frowns.
"I heard it spoken." Spock answers almost truthfully.
"You heard it? Is there a Betazoid on board? I had no idea! I'd love to meet them, I haven't had a chance to speak the language in a while."
"Perhaps I will introduce you to them if you share the information I need."
She laughs out loud at that "What is it, a bargain? Wait a minute, did this person call you imzadi?"
"Is it relevant?"
"Yes, it is! I thought you and Jim…" a stunned look takes over her face "Is the Captain a Betazoid?" she asks leaning over the table and lowering her voice.
Humans and their leaps of logic. How did they do it?
"He is!" Uhura seems to have taken his silence for a confirmation. "But it doesn't make any sense… how can you be imzadi…" She snaps her fingers. "You've been melding with him!" She recalls. "Do you still do it?"
"On occasion." Spock's completely befuddled by now and he answers almost by mere reflex.
"And melds without a purpose are a very intimate kind of contact. I can't believe it." She breathes the last words. "I never would have thought he had a romantic side."
"Nyota, I admit I do not follow your reasoning. The Captain and I are friends. Melds do not imply a romantic attachment." Spock's becoming exasperated.
"But you want to be more than friends, don't you? Then take him, Spock."
His face flushes furiously.
"Oh, look at you! You dirty minded Vulcan! You're blushing!" She laughs. "I meant you need to tell him how you feel and make it official. So I can tease the hell out of him!" Her grin has an evil edge to it.
"Nyota, I do not find any logic in your statements." He admits.
"Not my problem anymore, sweetie." She replies teasingly. "Just go get your man. Trust me." She winks at him.
~o~
Five minutes later Spock is back in Jim's quarters.
"Is everything okay?" Jim asks, wary.
"I have inquired as to the meaning of the word imzadi." Jim visibly tenses. "I asked Nyota." Spock adds.
"What did she say?" He's sitting on his bed, pointedly not looking at Spock.
"She did not elaborate on the meaning but seemed convinced that I should talk to you. I considered searching the linguistic archives."
Jim looks up at him then. "Did you?"
Spock shakes his head. "I came here after my conversation with her."
Jim takes a deep breath, "Are you okay? You know, after the Horta…" He makes a vague gesture.
"I am fully recuperated. Jim…"
"I'm not trying to derail you. Just checking." He threads a hand trough his hair "Would you be willing to meld again?"
Spock is surprised by the request, but agrees. They sit on their usual spots, cross-legged and close enough to touch. Spock places his fingers on Jim's meld points and Jim reaches for his free hand, gently grabbing his wrist.
The landscape of their joined minds shapes itself in a desert at night, Spock recognizes Vulcan in it but when he looks up at the dark sky he doesn't see its sister planet, there's Terra's moon in its stead. Spock lowers his gaze and is met by Jim's blue eyes, shining with a pure unguarded emotion. Spock can feel it all around him, warm like the desert wind.
"Imzadi means beloved, Spock. It also means first. And while I'm certainly not a virgin, the intimacy I have shared with you goes beyond anything I've ever experienced. I've never allowed anyone in my mind, or in my heart for that matter, the way I did with you." He steps closer, his fingers slowly caressing Spock's cheek, "I've called you my imzadi since that first night." It's only a murmur but with their minds joined Spock feels it reverberate through him with the power of Jim's love, finally revealed.
Everything shifts around them and together they watch Spock's memories of Jim. His soft smile when Spock stepped on the bridge that first day, every look that said so much without words, every time Spock noticed his friend relax when they were next to each other. Spock's surprise at finding out about Jim, his reverence while bringing him back, to him, because Spock wanted him. His need to be near Jim physically and mentally. Jim's gaze after the first time they had truly melded, a sight Spock cherished.
Stay imzadi.
Spock remembers the words and understands them now. He lets his love reach every corner of Jim's mind and soul.
They gently slip out of the meld and Jim pushes Spock on his back, straddling him and kissing him with all he's got, trying to impress with touch everything he feels for him. Their bodies fit perfectly together, just like their minds.
"Stay with me, imzadi."
"You do not need to ask, ashayam. I am and always will be yours."
~ fin ~
P.S. If you're like me and you need music to go with everything what you read, here is my playlist for this fic.