Writing
So someone recommended to me that I should start writing more and be more honest. So I did.
So, apparently, I need to start writing more again. Perhaps that is why my head is so fucked up. Well, apparently I am in the top 3 worst servers category. I'm not too surprised. It was pretty easy to see coming. So, now I need to get this mental health thing going in order to keep my job. My therapist always seems to think I'm fine until I argue with him some. This is some proof as to how terrible things really are. People always just say the same old bullshit, but no one listens to the evidence:
1. My job is at stake
2. I am making continuous errors that time is not fixing
3. My manager agrees that it involves my being distracted by other problems
4. My miserable life is a giant distraction, even though I can't concentrate on it
Such is the way of anxiety. It's not that I am distracted by anything specific, but in general my mind is too uptight to allow itself to think because it is too busy being on guard. Work has been a very hostile environment. I'm afraid of some of the managers and made nervous by the rest. I am made uncomfortable by the indifference of the other employees. I can't deal with the customers. I can't think straight right now, even. My friends do distract me and some people bother me in good and bad ways. I'm so bipolar at work. I get very upset very easily. Any shift can instantly turn bad. I don't even know how I am supposed to behave. For some reason it is impossible to know what I'm doing. I don't know how to return to this state of mind. I think the reason I always run to my friends (especially Sarah) is because they can make me feel comfortable and make things feel right so I can better function. Unfortunately, this is not efficient. While it may grant me the power to survive, I will still be distracted. This sucks. But I know this for sure.
1. I cannot turn to my friends for comfort, even if I have nowhere else to go.
Also, we know I need to act better. How do I do this? I know I need a persona. I need to play the part. I don't know hot to get the energy to do so, though. I used to act and I used to be a joker. I still joke around with my friends and can fake parts and act as crazy as need be with many friends. However, I'm not sure what I have forgotten. I am sure that I have largely forgotten how to act but this should technically be somewhat simple to remember. What is this persona? Why do I come off as an asshole? What do I need to do differently? I can't even figure out how to get to 2. Perhaps I need to practice acting. Maybe read some etiquette. Maybe watch other people. I need to get assisstance with acting somehow. Maybe figure out what I'm doing wrong. Or do more research into how others think I am condescending.
2. When slow, I should try to write down or make a rating system for each table. I can measure hostility, my treatment, and their reaction.
I really fucking hate this shit. I had my fears confirmed that I am one of the lowest-ranking servers. I can't do shit about it though because I was right the whole time. It's a personal problem. I am neurotic. I am a nightmare growth of outrageous fight-or-flight responses. I don't even know what to. I have honestly forgotten why I am anxious. I feel depressed all the time. When I look at why my life sucks, the cause is anxiety. But, as the more positive recent events show, reducing one does not reduct the other. For some reason, even if I am suffering less anxiety, my feelings of depression are unchanged. If this job thing is fixed, will I still feel depressed? Were positive things from freedom from anxiety just distractors from depression?
I'm really tired but I can't stop worrying. This is mostly because I can't stop feeling like shit. I hate my life. I really, really wish I were to die. Life is not worth living. It sucks. There is nothing really attainable to make this life worth it. Maybe life could someday be good, but that is nearly impossible to achieve in practicality and all this past trauma has left me permanently scared. I've gained such a closer relationship with the Tao from my suffering, and it looks like Wu. There's nothing good waiting for me anyways. Potential is one thing and life seems to keep me moving with that but for some reason the core values of my being never do. It's like 'failure' and 'sub-par' are some lesser personality traits while 'fruitless', 'essence-less', and 'gullible rat who is incapable of learning' are some of my more major points. I wish I could just die, then. Anything good is meaningless and doesn't stop me from feeling the bad things at all. I can be distracted for just a little bit of time, maybe, but even during that time it still is plagued with the suffering of some kind of self-doubt.
New view: I condone the evil. I praise my suicide. I somehow have an unregistered and unmarked gun. Now, under the old problems, I can't do shit. I might be able to kill someone else because that would have no non-self-invoked consequences, but I can't do myself in because that takes action that requires meaning which requires some degree of happiness, even if it is a very small bit. Proportionately, there would be little benefit in the murder of someone (aside from the fun of it and the flaunting of dominance and feeling of power). So I think and try to concentrate. This gun is super-powerful on this existential level because it kicks essence's ass. I don't really need to think things out because I do have enough will (technically from happiness) so that I can stare off and shoot myself in the mouth or temple or aim it up at the brainstem or whatever. If I had enough will, if I was happy enough, I could do it. Pretty much guaranteed death. It would be so patheticly sad and ironic if it didn't work, but that's why I'm using a gun in such an ideal circumstance.
So I kill myself. I abandon all that is good out into the world like karma, but much of it would turn to bad karma - for someone else, not me. The bad works in a similar manner but I can argue that it just flows into the wheel of bad karma that dominates today's world. Essentially everything stops. I don't have feelings of feeling like shit as now everything is total void. I for some reason wasn't having essential feelings of goodness before so I suppose nothing changes there. And I'm fucking dead. It's not attractive. People who love me or care about me on a personal level will now kind of despise me for what I've done to them. No one will understand completely. Even the nicest and closest people to me will be personally hurt. If they care about me, they will feel abandoned, betrayed, neglected, or just hurt. Some people will claim to be closer to me than they were. Some people may show care, authentic or not, who I would've hated. But it's not my problem because I'm dead. None of it matters. So my loved ones hate me, the ones I hate love me, my act of glory and honor is presented as an act of cowardice and arrogance. This all sounds great to me, though. People can say these things AND I am above that? It's like suicide is some kind of divine act of transcendence. Become neutral, become better than everyone else because you don't get wrapped up in their bullshit. Still, I lack what it takes to commit suicide. Why? My reasoning is great. Better than any reasoning against it, at least. The relation between existence and essence is still too obscure maybe. Next time I will wonder about the existential reasons against self-killing.
So, apparently, I need to start writing more again. Perhaps that is why my head is so fucked up. Well, apparently I am in the top 3 worst servers category. I'm not too surprised. It was pretty easy to see coming. So, now I need to get this mental health thing going in order to keep my job. My therapist always seems to think I'm fine until I argue with him some. This is some proof as to how terrible things really are. People always just say the same old bullshit, but no one listens to the evidence:
1. My job is at stake
2. I am making continuous errors that time is not fixing
3. My manager agrees that it involves my being distracted by other problems
4. My miserable life is a giant distraction, even though I can't concentrate on it
Such is the way of anxiety. It's not that I am distracted by anything specific, but in general my mind is too uptight to allow itself to think because it is too busy being on guard. Work has been a very hostile environment. I'm afraid of some of the managers and made nervous by the rest. I am made uncomfortable by the indifference of the other employees. I can't deal with the customers. I can't think straight right now, even. My friends do distract me and some people bother me in good and bad ways. I'm so bipolar at work. I get very upset very easily. Any shift can instantly turn bad. I don't even know how I am supposed to behave. For some reason it is impossible to know what I'm doing. I don't know how to return to this state of mind. I think the reason I always run to my friends (especially Sarah) is because they can make me feel comfortable and make things feel right so I can better function. Unfortunately, this is not efficient. While it may grant me the power to survive, I will still be distracted. This sucks. But I know this for sure.
1. I cannot turn to my friends for comfort, even if I have nowhere else to go.
Also, we know I need to act better. How do I do this? I know I need a persona. I need to play the part. I don't know hot to get the energy to do so, though. I used to act and I used to be a joker. I still joke around with my friends and can fake parts and act as crazy as need be with many friends. However, I'm not sure what I have forgotten. I am sure that I have largely forgotten how to act but this should technically be somewhat simple to remember. What is this persona? Why do I come off as an asshole? What do I need to do differently? I can't even figure out how to get to 2. Perhaps I need to practice acting. Maybe read some etiquette. Maybe watch other people. I need to get assisstance with acting somehow. Maybe figure out what I'm doing wrong. Or do more research into how others think I am condescending.
2. When slow, I should try to write down or make a rating system for each table. I can measure hostility, my treatment, and their reaction.
I really fucking hate this shit. I had my fears confirmed that I am one of the lowest-ranking servers. I can't do shit about it though because I was right the whole time. It's a personal problem. I am neurotic. I am a nightmare growth of outrageous fight-or-flight responses. I don't even know what to. I have honestly forgotten why I am anxious. I feel depressed all the time. When I look at why my life sucks, the cause is anxiety. But, as the more positive recent events show, reducing one does not reduct the other. For some reason, even if I am suffering less anxiety, my feelings of depression are unchanged. If this job thing is fixed, will I still feel depressed? Were positive things from freedom from anxiety just distractors from depression?
I'm really tired but I can't stop worrying. This is mostly because I can't stop feeling like shit. I hate my life. I really, really wish I were to die. Life is not worth living. It sucks. There is nothing really attainable to make this life worth it. Maybe life could someday be good, but that is nearly impossible to achieve in practicality and all this past trauma has left me permanently scared. I've gained such a closer relationship with the Tao from my suffering, and it looks like Wu. There's nothing good waiting for me anyways. Potential is one thing and life seems to keep me moving with that but for some reason the core values of my being never do. It's like 'failure' and 'sub-par' are some lesser personality traits while 'fruitless', 'essence-less', and 'gullible rat who is incapable of learning' are some of my more major points. I wish I could just die, then. Anything good is meaningless and doesn't stop me from feeling the bad things at all. I can be distracted for just a little bit of time, maybe, but even during that time it still is plagued with the suffering of some kind of self-doubt.
New view: I condone the evil. I praise my suicide. I somehow have an unregistered and unmarked gun. Now, under the old problems, I can't do shit. I might be able to kill someone else because that would have no non-self-invoked consequences, but I can't do myself in because that takes action that requires meaning which requires some degree of happiness, even if it is a very small bit. Proportionately, there would be little benefit in the murder of someone (aside from the fun of it and the flaunting of dominance and feeling of power). So I think and try to concentrate. This gun is super-powerful on this existential level because it kicks essence's ass. I don't really need to think things out because I do have enough will (technically from happiness) so that I can stare off and shoot myself in the mouth or temple or aim it up at the brainstem or whatever. If I had enough will, if I was happy enough, I could do it. Pretty much guaranteed death. It would be so patheticly sad and ironic if it didn't work, but that's why I'm using a gun in such an ideal circumstance.
So I kill myself. I abandon all that is good out into the world like karma, but much of it would turn to bad karma - for someone else, not me. The bad works in a similar manner but I can argue that it just flows into the wheel of bad karma that dominates today's world. Essentially everything stops. I don't have feelings of feeling like shit as now everything is total void. I for some reason wasn't having essential feelings of goodness before so I suppose nothing changes there. And I'm fucking dead. It's not attractive. People who love me or care about me on a personal level will now kind of despise me for what I've done to them. No one will understand completely. Even the nicest and closest people to me will be personally hurt. If they care about me, they will feel abandoned, betrayed, neglected, or just hurt. Some people will claim to be closer to me than they were. Some people may show care, authentic or not, who I would've hated. But it's not my problem because I'm dead. None of it matters. So my loved ones hate me, the ones I hate love me, my act of glory and honor is presented as an act of cowardice and arrogance. This all sounds great to me, though. People can say these things AND I am above that? It's like suicide is some kind of divine act of transcendence. Become neutral, become better than everyone else because you don't get wrapped up in their bullshit. Still, I lack what it takes to commit suicide. Why? My reasoning is great. Better than any reasoning against it, at least. The relation between existence and essence is still too obscure maybe. Next time I will wonder about the existential reasons against self-killing.