Problems to therapy
This is something I wrote I believe on Wednesday night. It was the last of what I had before I would go totally crazy. Yeah, sure enough, I couldn't save myself. God, how I depress myself.
Tonight is pretty similar to last night, only without the panic part. I should be. This is actually really absurd. That's the point of this, though.
In therapy, the two issues (this has been throughout three or so years) I have had constantly, started to understand pretty well, but have not even gotten close to dealing with successfully are the downward spiral (also known as catastrophizing or stinkin' thinkin') and on a more professional level proactivity vs. reactivity. To catastrophize is a pretty simple process: something bad happens, you think something bad, this forces the thought into something bad, and it all goes downhill very fast. My manager at work pointed this out to me as the main cause of why I could lose my job. An example is when he would be moody or angry or whatever, I would take it personally. There are a variety of reasons: his personal psychohealth problems, his moodiness, me doing something to actually piss him off, me reacting defensively, and so on. Nonetheless, these things build up and bad events and bad thoughts just lead to more worse thoughts and next thing I know I think that manager is out to get me. Then he really helps me out by talking to me about this shit in a positive way. This is something we can all begin to somewhat identify with or at least understand. A bunch of people have noticed this and some people even knew the jargon for it. With proactive vs. reactive thoughts, I knew there was some sort of psychotheraputic theory for it, but apparently it originates in Murray's trait theory, which I just took a test on and had to guess on questions related to this subject. Proaction is easy to understand. You have a problem and you take action. Any sort of dissonance will be faced with a self-initiated behavioral solution to the problem. Being reactive is kind of complex but the simple version is that it (in this example) means behavior occurs or action is taken, but only in a pre-coded response to stimuli. It can also mean the opposite of proaction, which is regressing, but we'll ignore that for now. Proaction is something like getting a new job because your current job makes you less money than you like. Reaction is like drinking when depressed or avoiding people due to social anxiety or being a pacifist until attacked. Drug dependency is often seen in the eyes of the addict as the only response to negative situations. Alcoholics get depressed, and the only thing that can help them is alcohol, so they instinctively drink when they feel this depression at all, which is why it becomes out of control. In social anxiety, you feel like shit when around people that allegedly cause evaluation apprehension (judging) so you avoid new people instinctively. If you have a moral conviction as a pacifist, you may still become ultraviolent and fuck someone up if they start shit. This point to reactivity is that it is unconscious and instinctual and above all preprogrammed, but you still usually have to program it consciously on your own. Alcoholism starts by a person refusing to fix their problems on anything but alcohol, so they lose conscious control over choosing anything else. Social anxiety is kind of innately programmed from genetics or childhood or whatever you want to say will cause shyness or even introversion. If you have a moral conduct, you might regulate your conscious behavior (from the superego even, which controls morals anyways) so that you strive for pacifism but may still react violently as long as it is not conscious (thus 'isn't your fault').
So what we've learned is that I catastrophize. My way of dealing with depression or very general negative feelings is with some sort of striving to overcome. If my own lazy reactions can't overcome problems, things are bad enough that I need to be proactive. But I try to be reactive still. So I start thinking of ways around situations and use some sort of deductive logic skills to judge the essence of things so I come up with abstract situations that make sense but only in an abstract way. Existence precedes essence, so that does not work. Since it does not work, I keep trying. I keep trying to think my way out of my problems. So it ends up being this run from becoming too anxious, which fails, and ends simply in self-defeating delusions, which all are one as 'catastrophizing'. I can tell you the complexities of this, ranging from the contrast of anxiety vs. depression, different steps, different categories, and so on, but I can't really stop it because it is the only logical choice. Depression must be dealt with, and the only way to do that is with stimulation, which leads to anxiety if it fails. It shouldn't fail and instead I should be proactive. I understand this pretty damn well too. In fact, I'm very skilled at being reactive, way more than most, I'd even say. However, I can't do anything without some kind of hint. If I get a job, I force it through the help of friends (OfficeMax was an exception). I can't socially approach anyone without reason. This is what confuses people about my social anxiety. If I have no reason to talk to someone or have nothing to say, I will not be able to say anything, I will stutter, and I will make an idiot of myself. Still, if I don't know them but I do have something to say, I will (as long as I have confidence in what I say) be very outgoing and sometimes intimidating. It can be charming, funny, or I might just come off as an ass, but one that amuses many people. With girls I've learned a lot but there is still confusion. It always used to be that I could never do anything at all unless I knew a girl liked me. Sometimes, even if I had good evidence, I would not be able to do anything if I did not have enough evidence. Once I did have enough evidence, however, everything always moves fast. I could do a whole bunch of stuff tonight, so what did I do? Message a couple of nonreactive people, watch some TV-on-DVD, and just wait for something to happen I could react to. Five hours of Sopranos later and not talking to anyone, I still can't be proactive. I know what I want to do and I know the rates or proportions of what I want to do. I just can't do shit unless I have some reason for me to respond to. I could have taken some meth and started on my studies which I am way behind in, which would be harmless and very productive. I could've started programming which would've been fun but I didn't want to turn on the computer. I could've called someone else up to hang out but they would've distracted me from my HW. So after having few options I reacted to the recommendation/expectation I write more, which usually makes me feel better. So I turned on my computer and started writing. I still have my reading which won't get done even though I am way behind in that class (maybe not that behind, I might be catastrophizing, but I actually don't know).
So I'm just sitting here writing. I can't be proactive. I can't take initiative to fix things. I can't take initiative to my HW or decide I won't do my HW. For some reason, what I am doing will guarantee I don't do my HW, but I'm doing it anyways. I put off paying any attention in my Personality class until the review period. I never study German unless I have a quiz or I am working on my FlashCard program. I can't even do CS stuff whenever I want. I can't clean my place entirely (I did some, the signs were getting really annoying). I can't do basic tasks. I've learned some skills, such as when to cross the street. It was terrible before. I was so unproactive that I couldn't cross the street. I've sometimes walked whole blocks past my destination because I can't figure out when I should cross the street. That hasn't been a problem at all anymore but only because I have gained the skill to mostly work reactively. Being low in proactivity, besides being a trait in introverts (which is debatable if I even am an introvert), is very common in those with low self-esteem or some sort of depressive issues. Still, the skills should be learnable. I should be super proactive and capable of acting on the moment, but I don't have the ability anymore because of some low mood that holds me down. I can't stop it, either. I may never be able to learn to be proactive, but I can at least hope to learn skills that allow me to react to situations in a more reactive manner.
However, I have no clue how to fix this shit. I just am like this. There is no known way to make me proactive. How do I get up and get a new job? How do I stop sucking at this one? How do I do my HW? How do I talk to people? I don't know at all. When people tell me to do simple tasks and I say I don't know how, it's because I can't get it to fit into any reactive schema but I am still not proactive enough to do it.
Tonight is pretty similar to last night, only without the panic part. I should be. This is actually really absurd. That's the point of this, though.
In therapy, the two issues (this has been throughout three or so years) I have had constantly, started to understand pretty well, but have not even gotten close to dealing with successfully are the downward spiral (also known as catastrophizing or stinkin' thinkin') and on a more professional level proactivity vs. reactivity. To catastrophize is a pretty simple process: something bad happens, you think something bad, this forces the thought into something bad, and it all goes downhill very fast. My manager at work pointed this out to me as the main cause of why I could lose my job. An example is when he would be moody or angry or whatever, I would take it personally. There are a variety of reasons: his personal psychohealth problems, his moodiness, me doing something to actually piss him off, me reacting defensively, and so on. Nonetheless, these things build up and bad events and bad thoughts just lead to more worse thoughts and next thing I know I think that manager is out to get me. Then he really helps me out by talking to me about this shit in a positive way. This is something we can all begin to somewhat identify with or at least understand. A bunch of people have noticed this and some people even knew the jargon for it. With proactive vs. reactive thoughts, I knew there was some sort of psychotheraputic theory for it, but apparently it originates in Murray's trait theory, which I just took a test on and had to guess on questions related to this subject. Proaction is easy to understand. You have a problem and you take action. Any sort of dissonance will be faced with a self-initiated behavioral solution to the problem. Being reactive is kind of complex but the simple version is that it (in this example) means behavior occurs or action is taken, but only in a pre-coded response to stimuli. It can also mean the opposite of proaction, which is regressing, but we'll ignore that for now. Proaction is something like getting a new job because your current job makes you less money than you like. Reaction is like drinking when depressed or avoiding people due to social anxiety or being a pacifist until attacked. Drug dependency is often seen in the eyes of the addict as the only response to negative situations. Alcoholics get depressed, and the only thing that can help them is alcohol, so they instinctively drink when they feel this depression at all, which is why it becomes out of control. In social anxiety, you feel like shit when around people that allegedly cause evaluation apprehension (judging) so you avoid new people instinctively. If you have a moral conviction as a pacifist, you may still become ultraviolent and fuck someone up if they start shit. This point to reactivity is that it is unconscious and instinctual and above all preprogrammed, but you still usually have to program it consciously on your own. Alcoholism starts by a person refusing to fix their problems on anything but alcohol, so they lose conscious control over choosing anything else. Social anxiety is kind of innately programmed from genetics or childhood or whatever you want to say will cause shyness or even introversion. If you have a moral conduct, you might regulate your conscious behavior (from the superego even, which controls morals anyways) so that you strive for pacifism but may still react violently as long as it is not conscious (thus 'isn't your fault').
So what we've learned is that I catastrophize. My way of dealing with depression or very general negative feelings is with some sort of striving to overcome. If my own lazy reactions can't overcome problems, things are bad enough that I need to be proactive. But I try to be reactive still. So I start thinking of ways around situations and use some sort of deductive logic skills to judge the essence of things so I come up with abstract situations that make sense but only in an abstract way. Existence precedes essence, so that does not work. Since it does not work, I keep trying. I keep trying to think my way out of my problems. So it ends up being this run from becoming too anxious, which fails, and ends simply in self-defeating delusions, which all are one as 'catastrophizing'. I can tell you the complexities of this, ranging from the contrast of anxiety vs. depression, different steps, different categories, and so on, but I can't really stop it because it is the only logical choice. Depression must be dealt with, and the only way to do that is with stimulation, which leads to anxiety if it fails. It shouldn't fail and instead I should be proactive. I understand this pretty damn well too. In fact, I'm very skilled at being reactive, way more than most, I'd even say. However, I can't do anything without some kind of hint. If I get a job, I force it through the help of friends (OfficeMax was an exception). I can't socially approach anyone without reason. This is what confuses people about my social anxiety. If I have no reason to talk to someone or have nothing to say, I will not be able to say anything, I will stutter, and I will make an idiot of myself. Still, if I don't know them but I do have something to say, I will (as long as I have confidence in what I say) be very outgoing and sometimes intimidating. It can be charming, funny, or I might just come off as an ass, but one that amuses many people. With girls I've learned a lot but there is still confusion. It always used to be that I could never do anything at all unless I knew a girl liked me. Sometimes, even if I had good evidence, I would not be able to do anything if I did not have enough evidence. Once I did have enough evidence, however, everything always moves fast. I could do a whole bunch of stuff tonight, so what did I do? Message a couple of nonreactive people, watch some TV-on-DVD, and just wait for something to happen I could react to. Five hours of Sopranos later and not talking to anyone, I still can't be proactive. I know what I want to do and I know the rates or proportions of what I want to do. I just can't do shit unless I have some reason for me to respond to. I could have taken some meth and started on my studies which I am way behind in, which would be harmless and very productive. I could've started programming which would've been fun but I didn't want to turn on the computer. I could've called someone else up to hang out but they would've distracted me from my HW. So after having few options I reacted to the recommendation/expectation I write more, which usually makes me feel better. So I turned on my computer and started writing. I still have my reading which won't get done even though I am way behind in that class (maybe not that behind, I might be catastrophizing, but I actually don't know).
So I'm just sitting here writing. I can't be proactive. I can't take initiative to fix things. I can't take initiative to my HW or decide I won't do my HW. For some reason, what I am doing will guarantee I don't do my HW, but I'm doing it anyways. I put off paying any attention in my Personality class until the review period. I never study German unless I have a quiz or I am working on my FlashCard program. I can't even do CS stuff whenever I want. I can't clean my place entirely (I did some, the signs were getting really annoying). I can't do basic tasks. I've learned some skills, such as when to cross the street. It was terrible before. I was so unproactive that I couldn't cross the street. I've sometimes walked whole blocks past my destination because I can't figure out when I should cross the street. That hasn't been a problem at all anymore but only because I have gained the skill to mostly work reactively. Being low in proactivity, besides being a trait in introverts (which is debatable if I even am an introvert), is very common in those with low self-esteem or some sort of depressive issues. Still, the skills should be learnable. I should be super proactive and capable of acting on the moment, but I don't have the ability anymore because of some low mood that holds me down. I can't stop it, either. I may never be able to learn to be proactive, but I can at least hope to learn skills that allow me to react to situations in a more reactive manner.
However, I have no clue how to fix this shit. I just am like this. There is no known way to make me proactive. How do I get up and get a new job? How do I stop sucking at this one? How do I do my HW? How do I talk to people? I don't know at all. When people tell me to do simple tasks and I say I don't know how, it's because I can't get it to fit into any reactive schema but I am still not proactive enough to do it.