Risky Roles
Today was the first time I have ever cut a class.
There really was no going around it. I arrived back in UP at 1515H, and I didn't want to go in the room any more, considering that class, Socio10, started at 1430H. I only hung around to submit my journal entry to Sir. In fact, amusingly enough, when I gave him my work, he said, "Oh, what happened to you?" Apparently, he remembers me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not at this point. And I feel bad 'coz I found out that was our last Socio10 class before Christmas break. :( But... no regrets.
Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? So, the question is, why did I cut that class?
When we watched the musical "Hairspray", there was an ad in the program about the auditions for another musical, "Spring Awakening". I heard of this musical through kitsunemoonstar's Royai fics - go figure. XP ANYWAY, the moment we saw said ad, everyone was encouraging Tim to try out. I encouraged him too. After all, I know he's the thespian among us. However, even then, I was already thinking that... this was an opportunity for me. J practically dropped it in my lap. I mentioned in a previous post how it is one of my dreams to star in a play. Well, the word "star" is not exactly... I mean, I don't have to be the lead, although I'd want to be. Point of the matter is, I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass me by just like that.
So, I planned, and didn't tell anyone what I was doing. I looked for the full ad with details on the site they provided. I got together the list of requirements such as a resume, a photo and a piece to sing. And then, I even made "random" inquiries of Kuya on how to get to Makati from UP. I knew I would have to cut a class, and I was thinking I'd cut my PE, Social Dance, but since we were going to pick our partners for the exam this Thursday today, and my class from 1300-1430 was a free cut, I decided I'd just leave after Social Dance.
Anyway, in the end, Patty, my blockmate, managed to pry it out of me why I was practicing a song. Since I already told her, I thought I might as well tell one other person, and I chose hellomikki. Why didn't I want to tell anyone in the first place?
Well, let me explain first my reasons for auditioning in the first place. That's a lot of "firsts". Anyway, moving on, I already mentioned one reason which was to fulfill one of my life dreams. The second reason is a lot more selfish, honestly. I wanted to prove myself, that I could sing - no, that I was good enough at singing.
All my life, it's always been my brothers who were prided on their singing prowess. Given that among the three of us, only I didn't get an ear for music is one thing. Still, every time, my mom would tell others to listen to Kuya sing, blah blah blah. I felt a bit left out. I mean, I could sing too! I know I'm not that good. As with a lot of things, I never had the talent for singing, but I liked doing it. Then, there was that one time with my mom.
I was singing in the car as is my wont. My little brother was asleep, and my parents were in front. My mom suddenly turns to my dad and goes, "Can you turn on the radio?" That hurt. Okay, okay, so I'm not good at singing, but that was low! My dad tried to say that I was singing, but I was like, "That's okay, I'm done anyway. You can turn on the radio."
Yesterday even, I kept practicing the song I was planning to sing, and my brothers, Tim in particular, were indirectly heckling me about my singing... as usual. <-rolls eyes-> Then, lo and behold, my mom actually says that my singing has improved. Hah, funny how she never told me that before. I know my dad thinks so. I've heard him talk to my mom about it in the car when he doesn't think I'm listening. My mom is such a let-down. That is why I wanted to prove myself. Also... I have friends who can sing, and I know that they don't think that highly of my singing as well. I guess, I just wanted to prove that I can sing, because... I believe I can.
In any case, so, why didn't I tell anyone? Well, I wanted to save myself the embarrassment in case I didn't pass, and I also wanted to avoid unnecessary let-downs. I didn't need people discouraging me. I wanted to do this, and I didn't want to let anyone give me a chance to just give it up. I get enough discouragement as it is without an audition, how much more with one? Yes, yes, I already know I suck, so you can stop telling me.
I was really happy though when Patty and hellomikki were more than supportive of my decision. Patty was very helpful, and she never laughed at me or mocked me or let me down. She just gave me a few tips and wished me the best of luck. hellomikki was all for encouraging me to pursue the idea, impulsive as it was on my part.
So, what happened? I managed to leave after Social Dance, took the MRT to Buendia then took a jeep to Jupiter St, Makati. I actually did get lost and ended up walking quite a bit, but it was an adventure - asking people for directions, trying to find my way around, and hoping my mom didn't happen to pass by in her car and see me. After all, her office is in Makati! XP
When I finally found the place, I got a form, filled it up and waited - a looooong time. XP I got there at about 1215, but I only auditioned at 1430. Yeah, that long. I was scared, as hellomikki would tell you, considering I was texting her. There were all these people around me, and I bet they were all relatively "professionals". Besides, they all seemed familiar with each other. Then, in the form, there was the part about the roles, and I was worried I needed to fill it up with something specific. Unfamiliar with the play as I was, and besides I had lots of time, I went off in search of an internet cafe. Mind you, that was my first time at an internet cafe, here in the Philippines anyway, and it wasn't a bad experience, although I did walk quite a bit and asked several times for directions just to find it. XP But! That was all part of the adventure! XD
Anyway, after all that, what was the verdict? Oh, I didn't pass. XD Haha! Yes, after all the trouble I went through, nothing happened. I didn't lose anything, that much is certain. And, I did say that if J deems it not for me, then I'll have to accept that. Perhaps... no, most certainly, He's prepared something better for me down the road.
So, I cut my first ever class in my life, the last Socio10 class of the year, but... no regrets. If ever, I'll do my best to make up for what I missed. One of the things that really surprised me about this was the reaction I got from people, namely hellomikki and jkmp923.
When I told jkmp923, since after all, I did kinda ditch her during Socio10 class -.-, she actually told me she was proud of me. It was... a welcome surprise. I really didn't expect to hear that from her. Also, hellomikki kept telling me how "brave" it was of me to risk it.
Yes, it was a risk... a rather big one actually. Although I wouldn't lose anything by it, as people who know me know, it isn't something I'd do. I guess, I did feel rather empowered in a way. I mean, here I am, stepping up to life, risking, putting myself out there with no guarantees. Even moreso that I didn't tell anyone when I planned this out and actually did it. It's... a rather satisfying feeling.
I may not have gotten a role, but I'm not gonna stop there. Perhaps the play just wasn't for me. After all, it's rather... haha! Go research what it's about and you'll see what I mean. XP But honestly, if I got the role, I'd give it all I got. :) Since I didn't, I'll just go find another play and another auds to try. I've done it once, and I'm willing to try again. I'm sure another chance will come.
I feel good. I did what I wanted, regardless of how other people thought of me. I think that was the biggest success for me. And, thinking about the reactions I got from hellomikki and jkmp923, I can't help but think each of us is like that. We're so... afraid to break out of this box our society, our family, our peers and the people around us put us in. We're scared to take a risk, to do something we normally don't do and something people don't expect us to do. We worry about what others may think of us. But then, I've learned that there's nothing to be gained by following the norms. Yes, it's risky. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it may not go as well as we hope. But what's life without a little risk?
Ohmigosh, I skip Socio10, yet I'm still going on about it. In Socio10, we discussed and debated on all these beliefs on beauty. Who decided that what's beautiful is beautiful? Who decided that what's "baduy" is "baduy"? What amused me about this topic was that people have told me, and I believe so too, that I don't dress like the "normal" people do. The adjective used to describe my way of dressing was "eccentric", and honestly, I have no problems with that. I like the way I dress. It makes me happy and proud to know that I'm different, unique, original.
In a way, you could also say that the way I dress is a risk. People may think badly of me for how I dress, just like people might look down on me for trying out for the play. I'm not going to say I don't care what people think, because as a matter of fact I do. Despite this, it's a liberating feeling to live my life the way I want to, regardless of how other people dictate my life should be lived.
I guess, all I'm trying to say is... no regrets. I'm happy for this chance, and I'm ready to jump at the next opportunity that comes my way.
Will I risk it?
...
Why not?
Much love! <3
Syv
P.S. To believe I didn't sleep last night finishing my two journal entries for Socio10 - the core journal entry and the bonus coursework - as well as helping my little brother with his own project. I felt like my eyes were all swollen, but it's a good thing the feeling went away when I had my auds. I didn't need the extra stress that would bring. XP